That’s the problem with train journeys it gives you time to think.. it is even worse when 3 trains get cancelled so you have been sat at the train station just getting upset. Thinking and more thinking. I just wanted to get home!
My head is all over the place at the moment, this morning I felt so positive about everything. Tonight though, there’s a difference and I can’t really put my finger on it. The train journey got me thinking about my relationship, I miss him so much that there’s a physical pain. It’s deeper than a normal emotion, I struggle to think how it will ever get better. When will this pain be healed?
Since meeting him I cannot say that it has all be daisies and butterflies because it really really hasn’t and this evening has got me thinking … Why have I stuck around? Why have I put up with so much? Is it and will it be all worth it? On positive days I think yes, that all this was meant to happen, that the fights we have had previously are just an explosion of how much we each care, the passion that we both feel and we will one day have a very good life where we could take on the world if needs be. A life where we are that in love, we never ever under appreciate each other again. I think positively about the times he disregarded my feelings, it was all just the greed he had for what he was doing, he wasn’t respecting me or us because he had different goals. Different aims. It changed when he got arrested, he stopped doing what he was doing and spent more evenings inside with me. That is when our love grew. I even told him that I am glad he got caught because he is a much nicer person to be around, however this wasn’t always the case. He still went out, all night on some occasions. He still chose drink and cannabis over me and I felt a constant battle to compete with these things. There was times I was so hurt, angry, worried, scared, miserable, disappointed, unhappy that I just wanted to walk away. I would build up the strength, telling myself it was the best thing to do but as soon as I saw him I became weak. Weak by his touch, by his words, and by his promises. I justified the bad behavior after his arrest because he had a lot going on in his head. He was, I guess living his final evenings like it was his last. It was hard on our relationship beings he was on bail pending a custodial sentence, it isn’t a situation I would wish on anyone. A constant dark cloud moving around following us, we would laugh, smile but it would always be there. The worry of the unknown.
Let me give you a snippet of what life was like pre-arrest…
Sunday 19th January 2014
Sat here once again on a Sunday evening crying and for the umpteenth time in just over a month waiting on the person who is meant to be my boyfriend! He went to London last Monday and I have missed him so much. Tuesday I was hurt after absolutely no contact from him at all. I found myself constantly thinking about him and yet I obviously did not even cross his mind. Him and I are different to what I have had in the past , we are together more often than not but rarely have conversation via texting when not together, but a ‘good night’ message wouldn’t go a miss. I even saw he was online on Tuesday evening but I guess whoever he was talking too was more important than me. Wednesday came and I had a suspicion he may have ran out of battery without a charger, but that’s no excuses for the evening before. I hate game playing but equally I hate not hearing from him in over 24 hours. I made a point by ignoring him when he finally did get in contact, he sensed I was doing that and I finally caved in. I didn’t want to make a big issue out of it, wanted it to be one of those things we just don’t discuss because we don’t need to. For us both to know that in future a little bit of contact isn’t too much to ask. Hopefully me showing him how I felt the day before was enough to not experience it again. But No, it ended in a row… His smoking weed and being with his mates was far too important to speak to me on the phone. Arguments with him are always pointless and yet they seem so regular, tonight has really showed me that I just cannot put up with it anymore. I have had far too much hurt this past year or 2 I cannot let me self set up for anymore! I change when he talks to me, I’m like I was when me and my ex was splitting up. I get so angry, I feel my blood pressure rising and I actually want to hit someone or something. Most of his argument when he’s talking over me makes absolutely no logical sense and he just doesn’t learn!! Tonight’s argument is once again about his actual lack of being able to tell the time or even know what a minute is in relation to an hour. It also began because he cannot be specific and he treats me like a drop in centre. He tells me he’s coming back on Sunday, with talk of me cooking Dinner, one would only assume he means at least before tea time. I have to ask him what time and after not accepting an answer of ‘tonight’ he gives me a time of 8:30 -9. I’m angry, I tell him I’m busy now. That I will see him Tuesday! Of course that’s not what I really want, but deep down I KNEW 8:30-9 wasn’t a normal persons 8:30-9 it would most definitely be a lot later than that. His argument was that I should trust what he’s saying and he’ll prove it to me. See how I feel like a drop in centre or a sidey, story of my life!! How many men have come to see me at times past 10pm, I thought he was different. I thought this was different. He is then telling me to calm down and I need help, only angers me more. That’s exactly what my mother used to say when I was growing up, looking down on me like I’m some psychotic. He does that thing as well where he repeats a question, Is that just all men?? ‘Well stop asking the same question repeatedly and let me fucking answer’ Jheez …. Is it any wonder I am the way I am when someone cannot have a proper conversation with me. Anyway after a pointless argument he promises me he’ll get the 7:50pm train ! I gave him the benefit of the doubt and I had calmed down and figured if he does that he would still get to me for 9:15pm. I ring him, he’s not on it, he acts and plays dumb. Apparently he didn’t realise I meant that train, then he changes his story and says ‘you know man has had to wait’ … Um NO how was I meant to know. He promised me, and I made it clear if he wasn’t on it we would be over. Obviously not enough to get him on that train or at least text me when he knew he wouldn’t be on it to say sorry. The argument then was horrific, I get so angry… I want to chuck my phone, I want to do something that will hurt him exactly the way he is me. He then proceeds to ask me ‘what is your problem?’ , nice move, just nice move. I want him around me I really do, but I cannot put up with this! If he had woke up this morn and said ‘babe got some things to sort out won’t be with you till late’ I would be cool, so cool. It’s the fact my whole day has been wasted and I’m angry!! ANGRY!! Most recent conversation was he was getting the 8:34 , well it’s 8:52 and I bet he ain’t on it! What grown woman seriously puts up with this?! He needs to grow up and get some structure in his life !!”
Unfortunately this all happened oh so regularly .. on wednesday 16th April 2014, I explained another situation. “Apparently he’s getting the 10pm train. It won’t happen! I know it won’t. What kind of relationship is that? He assumes he is just staying at mine and then this comes with consequences. Nights like tonight for example, I have no idea what time he’ll be ringing the buzzer to get in. It’s not fair. In just the 4 months we have been together so much has already happened. We argue regularly and they are fiery and recently have been violent. Then on the opposite end of the scale the love we have and the passion we share just cannot be described. He angers me so much, I would ring him and its excuse after excuse how its not his fault. How I should trust what he says, but its hard to trust when he constantly lets me down. He hangs up on me, talks to me like shit. Literally in tears, so angry and upset that he thinks it is ok to treat me like this. I feel like this at least once a week. I HAVE to be strong, I just HAVE too. About time I met a real man, with a real job and career prospects. Loving this one has left me nothing but hurt. I wrote more the next day .. Thursday 18th April, so he got the last train home which got him into the town for 2am. He still went elsewhere till 3am, didn’t even come straight to me. This then left me unable to sleep till 4am, he then woke up late for work and I ended up taking him. He tried to cuddle me, apologise, but I didn’t want to hear it. A stressful horrible evening and it happens far too much. I go on about how I imagine life without him, no stress, no worries, no fears of him ending up in Prison for something or another. Haha I just knew didn’t I.
Another occasion that sticks in my mind was the weekend I met his mother, the week before he had promised me ‘a night in’, in fact had told me to cancel any plans I had so we could spend the night together. He went out! Left me home alone, once again treating my like a drop in center. I could not believe the audacity of him, his behavior was completely unacceptable. It showed me how childish he really was. Yet he was the one who got angry WITH ME when I would not let him in at silly o’clock in the morning. I gave in in the end after he through stones at my window to get my attention. So he then decided he wanted to say sorry to me and we made the decision to go to London the following weekend where ‘he would make it up to me’, ‘this weekend is all about you’ he said. Pfft that weekend was a DISASTER!! The friday night he went out for just an hour, came back at 2am and drunk! Let’s not forget here that I’m in his mothers house of whom I have just met. I didn’t get too upset, I tried to understand that he was just catching up with friends etc. The next evening though was UNFORGIVEABLE!! He goes to the shop, I asked him to be quick so we could leave at 9:15pm to meet my best friend and her boyfriend by the Thames for a drink. At 9:45pm I call him and he tells me ‘5 minutes’, we wait, I drink, his mum is apoligising. He doesn’t turn up. In the end I go on my own, I get silly drunk and end up being very sick. Who does that to another human being?! What actually goes through his mind? It is definetly acts of selfishness and that night he completely let me down and embarrassed me. I am glad his mum saw his behaviour and I admitted that this happens all the time.
When I read over older posts I think of so many separate occasions he did this to me, nights I would ring him repeatedly like a woman possessed. He changed me, he had me wrapped around his finger and there was nothing I could do about it. I wanted him to leave me alone but could not bare the thought of him doing that. I was that infatuated with him, I believed everything he said when he told me it wouldn’t happen again. We would argue about him not being on time, before he was even late, I just knew it would happen. I would be awake all night petrified of what could have happened to him, where he could be? what he was doing? and he would just come back when it pleased him apoligising once again. The weekend we went to Brighton was a big weekend, I couldn’t believe he even wanted to go out the evening before, after I had just had his brother threaten me in my street. But he did, and he said he wouldn’t be out late, he promised me a time and it got to 1am and he was no where to be seen. His phone was off, I was sick with worry and panicking massively that he would not be back in time for our day trip to the beach. These days out were crucial, creating memories before the day he went to prison. CRUCIAL. It meant far too much to me to just be able to sleep. He came back at 6am, I had had no sleep and once again he managed to make me the one feel bad. Anyway the day in Brighton was so brilliant. It was a really great family day out, with my sister and her family. It is still a day that today we all talk about and reminisce about. That evening he nearly went out again, I felt sick. I was so tired from the night before and just wanted to sleep next to him in my bed. He told me he would go when I had fell asleep but that just wasn’t good enough. Thankfully we didn’t get back till real late and so he stayed with me. The next night he changed again, he was like the devil, not like him at all. Left me anxious and angry once more, 40 missed calls for him to answer 1 and say ‘You dont fucking give up do you’ and then hang up on me. Why?! Why was he talking to me like this? When will my luck change? When would a man respect me for me, and treat me right?! It was then after this weekend it all got a lot better. It was like something clicked in his head, he spent most nights with me, came over the times he said he would and it was obvious we are very much in love.
Re-living all that was hard, but it has felt good to get it all down. I remember saying to him a couple of times when things were real bad that I was actually looking forward to the time he was going. Knowing that all that would end. No more ringing him constantly, no more feeling sick and anxious whenever he wasn’t with me. Just an end to all that waiting around, not knowing what was going to happen on sentence day. At least now he is in there we can draw a line under it all when he comes out, start afresh, live a proper life like a real relationship.
All this sounds like a horrific relationship but something kept me close to him. It must be his eyes, his smile, his beautiful face and that gorgeous dark skinned body. How much I can see that deep down he bloody loves me, that sometimes we both just react too quickly. I remind myself of his age, 7 years my junior and maybe sometimes he just does not think. Not that he is selfish, or that he doesn’t care because I know deep down this man is a sensitive soul. He is not afraid to share his feelings with me, not afraid to tell me he would literally die for me. He can easily make me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world, and feel more in love and happy than I have ever felt before. I forgive him easily after an ‘episode’, we would have great passionate sex and all the bad stuff would just be forgotten and I just could never imagine my life without him.
Maybe that train journey wasn’t so bad after all…
Behind These Bluest Eyes 