It hasn’t been an easy decision and I did ignore the health visitors advice for a week. The breastfeeding gurus on Monday told me to just feed more but realistically with this current set up it’s pretty impossible. I don’t have the support a woman needs who wants to exclusively breastfeed, I still get pain and I need to start trying to sort a routine.
So today she had her first bottle with formula. I’ve also given her expressed in a bottle and she has fed on me since too so it hasn’t gone too bad. Hopefully she now gains some weight. It also gave me a sense of freedom already.
She’s such a good baby , she’s literally amazing 😍
Yesterday afternoon I struggled. I hit a low again , sobbing out loud with that heart wrenching pain. He went to hers after work at 6am and although I thought I’d be ok with it I really wasn’t!! All his betrayal makes me sick and the fact he’s still going there makes me so angry and hurt! Wednesday afternoon his texts were pleasant and he even felt the need to text ‘xx’ . We spoke in the morning and I still felt positive like we could sort it out eventually. He ended the call saying ‘love you too.’
Evening came and he text saying ‘can I make it up to you I feel ill’ if it was his first excuse and he’d been brilliant for past 4 weeks I would have accepted it. But no … it’s not on. I made a comment about how he’s making excuses just to be with her … THEN he said ‘listen stop bringing my girl into our arguments.’ Is he fucking serious ??? His girl ?? Yet he has been with me for 3 days , stroking my face, kissing me, holding our baby talking about how he’s going to win me back. All done in front of his brother at times! Then he has the cheek to disrespect me like that! Mugging me off in front of a 20 year old girl. NO! This is where this stops!! What was I thinking anyway allowing him to continue with two lives. Even before this I had made the decision it had to stop. I had to be stronger … he needs to miss us now and lose us for even a chance of him fixing up and stop being such a selfish prick!
A phone call to his bro and a suitcase and 5 bin bags later I took all his stuff to his dad’s house. I sent messages with abuse and he still text saying ‘I will always love you.’ No matey you fucked up. Showing off in front of someone who is half the person I am! He also text saying he was going to come straight from work. Again I told him no! He can’t just pop by whenever he pleases anymore! That girl child is welcome to him. He won’t change for anyone and I felt good for the first time in a long time!! I know he’ll regret this. I know he’ll be back. I know this little set up he has with blondie won’t last and he’s only enjoying the fact she’ll take his shit!
He had gone to work and at 3am I woke to messages saying ring me and also saying ‘I know you’re awake!’ I did what I said I wouldn’t do but called him, same old SHIT! About how I hurt him, how he wants a woman he can trust. Who will support him no matter what. The boy is deluded. I’ve given him the chance of a proper life and he throws it back in my face. I’ll give it to him he does manipulate the situation so I’m apologising , I’m still saying after everything I’d still be willing to give us a chance. To that he just says how he doesn’t think I’ll mean it and as soon as I’m myself again I’ll just leave. He continues to go on about how well I was looking when he was in jail and how it hurts so bad that someone else had me. It’s all very childish and it’s all the same stuff we talk of. I need to leave him to it now. No amount of talking will make him see sense, he needs to realise for himself and it’s very likely I won’t still be around when he does realise. End of the day … if he REALLY didn’t care, didn’t want me and had ‘moved on.’ He wouldn’t spend hours talking to me about this stuff. He wouldn’t want to confuse situations by having sex with me. He would just say ‘I’ve left, I love Ariana and can we not make it about us anymore but only her’ .. the talking is frustrating ! Why bother if he knew 100% we were never going to work.
Today I woke up feeling sad. Thinking maybe it is all my fault , how maybe I shouldn’t have told him my mistakes (as he suggested) and how gutted I was. That was until I read a few entries of an older blog of when he was in prison. It was hard reading the posts about how in love we were, and how strong it was making us and how he was my soul mate. Then I read a post where I was questioning my loyalty to him anyway. It was deep it was raw .. pretty much summed up how much of a prick he was before he went too.
Reality is … he’s never treated me right. Only time he did was when he was behind bars, and of course he would then. I’ve given nearly 3 years of my life to him, had his baby and he still questions my commitment!? What a messed up boy!
By this afternoon I again was thinking how maybe me keeping a distance would make him come good. I have to have a little hope, even if it’s not for a relationship but for our daughter! She doesn’t deserve a pop by dad who only wants her when it suits him.
He wasn’t interested in organising seeing her through a mutual person so I suggested he has her on his own at mine. Suggesting this Saturday night only put me under the spotlight with questions! Where am I going? Who with? What am I doing? He was clucking all ready!
This afternoon he text asking how we both were, then said how he missed Ariana, asked where I was then finally said ‘please don’t ignore me’. I replied with ‘yeh we’re cool thanks’ nearly 2 hours later and nothing more! His reply 
See!! He’s not well! He’s a very confused boy and if he doesn’t sort himself out he will lose far too much and then regret this for the rest of his life !
I didn’t reply. He’ll be at work now, and I can’t lie I rather think about him being at work during the night than being with her. I know I cross his mind, we both will. He admits how it’s bloody constant, I literally think of nothing else at the moment either and even the most selfish person in the world wouldn’t be able to block all this out.
I need to stay this strong. This time it can’t just be days .. it needs to be weeks. Months even! When he wants to see Ariana I need to leave him to it with her, I can’t be around him as he just makes me weak. It won’t be a daily thing either and I won’t be the one asking when he wants to see her. He knows what he needs to do.
I’m just taking each day at a time xxx
Behind These Bluest Eyes 
