Author: KerryLouise

It’s hard to blog when your identity is no longer hidden. Whilst typing this opening sentence I decided to take the web address to this blog down from across my social media. I want to be real as possible again .. my current settings meant that the men I have been seeing (if you could call it that) may stumble across this and that’s awkward AF. Twitter is ok right? Twitter can stay.

It is no coincidence I am watching ‘You’ as writing this, but if I get my own stalker. Twitter will have to go too. Sorry!

I know I had a similar goal last year, to blog more but let’s go with it again. Yes I was abused, yes I still want to write a book of my experience but since the abuse has stopped I want to go back to blogging about everything going on in my life.

Dating, sex, and all things man but also my new found love for cooking (going a bit far) and my love of the gym.

2018 saw me generally wasting time on the same men. I did not date one single new man! There was Ibiza, and a random one night stand, I call him ‘Bouncer boy.’ He doesn’t bounce or anything, I just met him working the doors.

Anyway, M… remember him? My distraction, my support when I got the non molestation order. Yes risky business with him being in prison and with him being the man I saw whilst my abuser was first in jail but at the time I needed him. He helped me massively. He got ROTL over Christmas, release on temporary licence and despite feeling a bit distance prior to his pleas of going to see him, I went to see him. Now me and him go through stages, we talk a lot, even tell each other ‘I love you’ and it feels sincere. Then I go distant and have to shake myself, I absolutely cannot jump into a relationship with this man upon release … like hellllloooo. Or he’ll go distant and we don’t talk for him to later say he has to protect himself because of where he is. I believe him. Christmas was the 3rd time I have physically seen him since non-mol time. The 2nd time I left thinking Fuck, I want him home properly.. now I don’t know if it’s me coming to my senses and realising that someone serving a nearly 9 year sentence really isn’t potential husband material or what … but this time, it wasn’t the same. We are like a married couple, I feel so comfortable around him. We’ve been close for years and I really believe he will always be there for me but I need more. My next relationship I don’t want to be the person that has to motivate and push a man to do better and be better. M won’t struggle, I have no concerns there. But will he be 100% straight? That I am not so sure about. To be inside for £750,000 worth of fraud I highly doubt he’s going to settle for minimum wage when he’s home. I am sure anyone reading this would be like WTF!!! … but he’s not a nasty, greedy person.. well on face value. He’s fun, kind, supportive and interested in me. I mean genuinely interested about how my day went, what I did at work etc etc. That stuff I miss discussing with someone. He would never ever abuse me or hit me, however that isn’t the credentials of my future husband. There are millions of men that wouldn’t ever be violent or abusive, ones not in jail! So after sensing lack of compatibility I left his the next morning and barely even said goodbye. I made up some shit that I didn’t hear him say ‘wait’ but since that day I haven’t heard from him. I sent my ‘closure’ message because that’s what girls do right and I NEED to stick to that. Asshole for not replying anyway … and when he does … well I’ll deal with that then. Pretty sure I will, this isn’t THAT out of character.

Anyway, man number 2, he had the name chicken boy originally so I’ll go with that for the purposes of this blog. To be honest he may need his own post, I don’t think I’ve mentioned him before. In summary, matched on tinder January 2017 which was obviously a very low point for me. I didn’t reply and randomly months later would and then it continued. In July 2018 I thought ‘fuck it’ and had him over, mostly as a ‘big fuck you to my ex’! I last saw him weekend before Xmas, one of the reasons I was distant with M was because chicken boy seemed to be a bit keener again. Juggling 2 men is hard work.. don’t have the emotional capacity for that lol. However he is not giving me what I want and deserve. When we’re together, it feels right (mostly) but in between which has in the past been weeks on end it’s a pointless booty call. Nothing more! I go through stages of 8 missed calls at silly o’clock in the morning to spending 2 Sunday’s in a row with him. He’s inconsistent and at 26 years old I know he won’t be ready anytime soon. He comments that he wants me forever, he notes that if it wasn’t for him we wouldn’t communicate, but can still go weeks not checking in!

2020 word is consistency!

I want consistency and deserve consistency.

So today saw me go on my first date/internet dating meet since him. Before then was M. So I have really taken a back seat since my POF hey days! Let’s just say … it was a no from me. BUT, that doesn’t matter right. I did it, that’s the important thing.

Not only did this guy lie about his height, no way is he 6ft… he was wayyy more forward than I wanted right now. Within 20 minutes he was questioning whether I’d see him again, made some sexual jokes and then made me promise at the end of the date I would see him again. He certainly didn’t want that to be the end of the date, I think he was more thinking he’d be saying goodbye the next morning! Now I’m no prude but a) I needed to be back for sitter and b) man needs to be a hell of a lot taller and sexier than him to get me on first night. Oh well as I said, I did it… I can do it again. Here’s to 2020 🍻

I wonder who will be my next date …. hmmmm

Xxx

Someone said to me this week ‘I know it’s easy to forget and you remember the good times’, it came from a good place but they honestly could not be more wrong.

When you are free from the hell and your life is pretty silent, you still never ever forget. I told the ex who called me from jail after hearing his promises and clearly still having no regard for my boundaries that I could possibly forgive but I could never ever forget. He took that as progress because well he would, he hears what he wants to hear.

I wish I could forget. I took a journey today that triggered me bad. It was the journey I regularly took when I lived at my old flat and when my daughter was at her old nursery. I was anxious, I felt sad. Screams in my head, fearing the evening ahead, remembering every single thing I was put through. I was actually going to the hospital, I had an MRI scan appointment and as I walk into radiology I get the flashbacks again. The exact same place I went for my daughters scan when pregnant. Memories of being pregnant are not positive and I resent him for that. My daughter is 3 and this experience is still so vivid .. will it ever go away?

I still really want to write my book. I really do. I just feel like the journey has not ended yet. How can I write when there are still chapters that have not been lived yet?

.. I love reality TV. My escapism, my date night. Being single can get kinda lonely and investing your time in complete strangers actually strangely has a positive effect to my life.

When I saw Anna and Jordan grow close and saw them falling for one another I felt happy, felt like there was hope. I even started to feel like I wanted to find love again. Weird that a TV programme can do that to someone. He seemed genuine, caring, loyal and smitten. If he fooled strangers imagine how he fooled the girl he had been sharing a bed with!!

Now this series has seen many dickish moves and behaviours and I could be here all night actually talking about them all but tonight really hit home. Triggered me. Uncomfortable viewing.

Since I haven’t blogged in absolute ages and I now am shows how much it did trigger me.

What I witnessed tonight was textbook gaslighting. Textbook.

Two days after he had asked Anna to be his girlfriend Jordan had confided in a friend that he had feelings for another girl. Anna had noticed that ‘something wasn’t right’ and subsequently her actions reflected that. She was quieter and put it in his words ‘moping’ and ‘negative’. Not only was it HIS standoffish behaviour and his vibe that made her behave this way, he then used this as an excuse as to WHY he has been distant. Red flag 1. – making her feel like she is in the wrong for being upset.

Hands up who has ever got that vibe ? Trust me , it’s usually right. Never feel that expressing those feelings is the wrong thing to do. No matter how the other person reacts. In fact if they react badly. Get rid! Someone who genuinely cares or even someone who actually has an ounce of decency would never accuse you or tell you your feelings are wrong! No one can tell you how to feel!

Then when they finally spoke about what was happening he accused her of overreacting and that it was all in her head. Despite ALL us viewers knowing that it isn’t in her head at all. Red flag 2- making her feel like she is wrong for reacting to his dishonesty. Making her feel like she is going crazy and her gut is wrong.

He also then proceeded to tell her that she embarrassing and is just screaming and shouting. She wasn’t. Again this is his actions that have made her feel like this.

As time went on he then pulled said girl for a chat, he was 100% telling her he was falling for her right under his girlfriends nose.

When Anna confronted him he blatantly denied ever saying he liked her. He was saying things then looking confused asking ‘When did I say that?’ Anna’s friends who had witnessed it screaming ‘you just said it!’ Red flag 3- saying something and denying he ever said it.

His face, the genuine confused look on his face. Spitting image of my ex. Those words!! Those words reminded me of all the times I felt myself having to say those words. ‘YOU JUST SAID IT.’ The times my ex would say something and then deny it minutes later. The frustration in Anna’s face, the emotion … I felt that. I really felt that. ‘YOU JUST SAID IT!’ You want to explode, you want to rip out your own brain.. you want proof.

When his lies were not getting him anywhere he then turned it around and tried to shift the blame. ‘Let’s not focus on my lying , let’s concentrate on you!’ Yep been there too, the ‘well maybe if you wasn’t so negative’ and the ‘you’re boring.’ Why the hell can these men not own their behaviour?! It brought a tear to my eye and I am so glad these girls are not standing for it.

Luckily they have others and a load of tv cameras to support them. When this happens behind closed doors it’s damaging, dangerous and literally terrifying. You doubt yourself, you think you’re going mad. This stuff turned me into a person I no longer even recognise and I sure as hell would never stand for it again.

Please if any of tonight’s episode gave you a lightbulb moment. Get out. You will lose yourself and no one deserves that over a man.

I am SO pleased that the majority of the public see this. It shows that awareness really is being raised and this can only be a positive thing.

Emotional abuse is not OK!

When you want to cry but there are no tears, your heart feels heavy, your mind feels stuffy. This is my current state.

I feel like I want to shout so hard, but I have no words. I am numb. My past feels like just a nightmare that I didn’t really live.

I sometimes feel like I am healed, I can forgive. When I don’t feel like that I wonder if I am just kidding myself.

We went to go see him on Sunday, back to the prison he spent majority of his sentence at before. It felt so weird, this time I can sit in silence and feel so cold against him. I grieve the relationship we HAD, I feel resentment that it was him that ruined it all. Yet maybe I did? Maybe my behaviour when he was inside was what tipped him over the edge. I am very empathetic of other people’s feelings hence why I put up with so much shit from him, but I need to think about me! Look after me!

He attempted to distort my reality again when he was convinced he watched our daughter for 6 weeks whilst I was on a course. There was no course!! I had to tell him 5 times he had this wrong. My voice raised and I was very coherent in expressing how wrong he had this.

In his head ‘an amazing dad who looked after his child for 6 weeks whilst mummy went on a course’

The reality ‘3 weeks of anxiety, hell and no sleep when I started my new job. If I was late home he would threaten that he wouldn’t watch his own daughter the next day. I even had to drive all the way to London for childcare because I had ‘upset him’ and he wanted to punish me. One night I stayed at my nans because of a threat. Knowing how much my new job meant to me he would use his presence as power. Told me nursery wasn’t an option, he would look after our baby, he abused this. Couple of nights he fell asleep in the crack dens he would deal drugs from. I would call him at all hours and he’d scream at me for not trusting him. Ignoring my phone calls and pushing my buttons by showing up late. THAT is what happened. THAT was the reality!

He hung his head in shame on Sunday, maybe it clicked but this conversation isn’t new. I wonder when he tells me again I went on a course?

I watch Teen Mom UK and get triggers. The lying, the other women, the mind games. I remember what I went through. The feelings come back. I sympathise with these mums.

He tells me he’s doing lots of courses in prison. Courses about empathy and abuse. It helps when we talk, I hear him apologise. I hear him tell me how when I learns certain things it makes him think about me. He tells me he openly talks with the others about how badly he treated me. Other time I have no energy to talk to him. I can easily ignore his call, treat him the way he once treated me. What a mess.

I am going to make a conscious effort to read more, do some personal development and start to love myself. It’s been over 12 months! How long does it take ??

Well over half way through January and I haven’t done what I said. Blog more!!

I feel a bit flat. Work is amazing. Work is busy and I absolutely love it. It gives me purpose. My children give me purpose and love. Sometimes I lack the other love though and that’s natural.

I do spend too much focusing on the lack of it, law of attraction says to not confuse my desires. How can I not? It’s obvious I have no one here, no one to spend my weekends with or watch films with. I want that. I want it but I want it properly. I’ve dodged men who are not serious, they are just a distraction to what I really desire. I rather no man to that man.

I have booked a trip to Las Vegas. This makes me happy. I am lucky my life gives me that opportunity although I am stressing over paying for it. Nothing new there though.

Since before Christmas I have been speaking with a guy. Well educated, good job, great conversation that is deep and meaningful. He respected I wanted to take things slow but now it seems to slow, no action no lead taking! He did show me a red flag which I took a step back but he then went out of his way to apologise and we sorted that out. I felt proud my boundaries were strong but after the initial buzz of his apology it is now flat again.

Ex calls a lot from jail, M still calls also believing he loves me. I suspect that not to be true. I fear October 2020 will be here and me still not moved on. (This will happen as I believe it to be true).

This weekend I will most likely mope. Next week is a new start x

2019 is not far away. Recently I’ve been ok, but only ok. The ex is still in prison and I have visited him. I feel it’s the best thing to do for our daughter and a small part of me still feels like it is my place to make sure he doesn’t feel alone and unhappy.

On Saturday he told me he got sentenced. 4 years he got. That triggered me, visions of the time before. The pain it caused when we were ripped apart back in 2014. Hearing all his promises and pleas, just like before but this time I know different.

He rang this morning wishing he was with his daughter on Christmas Day, seeing her excited etc. Angrily I reminded him of Christmas 2016, again flashbacks of the vile ill treatment and I calmly tell him how he wasn’t bothered then!

Tonight I’ve realised even more so that I am not healed and I am not ok. For a few months I am not sleeping well and my dreams are vivid and I wake up throughout the night. Dreams are standard stuff like him going AWOL, infidelity and even death. The episode of Eastenders tonight has left me close to a panic attack. The vile shouting, the pushing and shoving .. the history of Kat and Alfie being thrown back on each other like it’s a competition on who could hurt the most. I felt Kat’s pain, luckily my ex didn’t have a baby with a family member, he didn’t have a baby with anyone. That infidelity though, cuts … cuts so deep. I remember how it felt, the days I found out. Knife in my heart.

How Alfie has tried to manipulate everyone around him. The emotions running so so high. It was a really tough watch.

2019 I will blog more again, continuing to work on myself. I told a friend tonight how until I am happy within myself I will not be dating or meeting any men. I will not seek happiness via a man, I will not.

However apart from the most depressing episode of Eastenders, I have had such a lovely day. I am so blessed with my two beautiful children and I am closer to where I want to be than this time last year.

This time two years ago I was being called a fucking prick and being threatened and bribed just for him to stay in with me and his baby on Christmas Day.

Every day is a step closer to where I want to be xx

Again a few weeks have passed and my life has not stopped.

His last disappearance actually had an explanation and something happened that possibly should of meant we could say goodbye but in fact it only bought us closer together. He hasn’t been particularly abusive since, or controlling and apart from the last blog post he has been ‘manageable’ all year, like I explained in that post.

The route cause however is still the problem in his life. He has begged me back, he has promised me things, he’s cried, he’s said sorry, he accepts and owns up to the ill treatment but yet still fails to see the problem with everything. My tolerance levels are not good with him and I am quick to get angry, quick to call him bad names, all because I see flashbacks in my head. Reminders of the awful times before. Resentment and pain. He says he wishes he could rewind time to when we first met, his mum even said that possibly the lifestyle he chose is the reason me and him just did not work. I was NEVER going to accept the life he lived, EVER and the patterns of our relationship would continue to happen unless he just stopped. More recently when he was making his pleas for a relationship with me again and promising with his life he wouldn’t touch another woman ever in his life. He believes it, he does, but it’s inevitable when I am getting on at him he’ll find a female that won’t care about his illegal activity. I will go on tinder in the hope to find someone and history just repeats. He believes during the time he was cheating and being nasty that that wasn’t him, that he was in a trance and brain washed by the people around him. Yet he doesn’t remove him self. I have been seeing someone, very casual.. he went through my phone and flipped but still so desperate to not lose me. It’s like role reversal, if he doesn’t hear from me he says he feels sick.. the thought of me with him, and I hear in his voice the pain I felt so many times when it was me wondering where he was and who he was with. I shouldn’t care, I should want him to feel this way right? I don’t. I feel bad.

Thursday evening I get a withheld caller, it’s the police… asking me if it’s ok if I speak with him. He had been arrested, remanded till court and we got to speak for way over 20 minutes. He was emotional, he could hear the little girl we both brought into the world shouting ‘daddy daddy’ and he was adamant if he got out he was done. He was going straight, repeating that he wants me, he loves me and he wants a real life. I know different… if he got out he wouldn’t stop. He’s like a fish, forgets how adamant he is and at the time of being shook with the prospect of jail. Earlier this year when he was on tag for carrying a knife (that they couldn’t fully prove was his in the end)he said he would never carry one again… he did. He begged me to go to court, to hear his bail plea the next day. I was tempted but I knew it’s not my place anymore. I can’t keep being there for him. I did the next best thing and when his mates girlfriend messaged me on Facebook I told them he had been charged and also another friend so they could be there. His friend said he told him to ring me straight away after the decision had been made, he’s been remanded.

It doesn’t feel as devastating as last time, I haven’t shed a tear, and like I said to him it wasn’t a case of if… it was when. This was ALWAYS going to happen and I have waited for this for way over a year. I wanted it to happen, the only chance he’s got to turn his life around, for me to get real space. I cannot shake that a small part of me wants him to come good. I love him, that won’t ever change, when I’m with him I still feel hugely ‘in love’ but distancing myself helps that massively. I feel gutted for him, but he bought it on himself. He’s devastated that he will miss babas birthday and we planned to go Peppa Pig World. His friends girlfriend was telling me it’s all he talks about and he’s so proud. I tried, I had the same conversation daily with him for months but nothing helped. I did all I could and had a pretty rough time in the process.

3rd October is his plea hearing, from the conversation we had on the phone he’s pleading not guilty. His friend and brother got off after being remanded earlier this year, the police are pretty useless in catching these people properly. The evidence needs to be proven to the extent that there could be no reasonable doubt in a reasonable persons mind that he is guilty. His brother and mates case didn’t even get to trial, came back to the court for a bail hearing and it was decided that the evidence was not enough. Trial was pointless. I’m no criminal lawyer but it doesn’t seem tight, his previous is what has got him remanded not the case. In 2014 he didn’t get remanded despite concrete evidence and no hope in anything but a guilty plea. Regardless of what happens he’s there now, he’s answerable to himself and I get some breathing space.

.. and I’m still battling.

Months have passed since my last blog post and I felt like I had my control back. The ex was ‘manageable’ shall I say and other than just believing that my only hope of ever moving on properly was when his lifestyle finally caught up with him, I was doing ok. I had some freedom when he took his daughter to his family in London. He was always contactable if I needed him and he gave me money.

I had convinced myself I had no time for a man anyway, and to keep the peace and get his support I had to play ‘nice.’

It is hard to sum up the past 3 months but let’s just say … he takes up STILL too much of my headspace. I am not healed, I am not living my life to it’s full potential and I am still very much allowing him to control too much in my life.

Today marks the 8th day that he has disappeared. 8 days of absolute silence, I should be enjoying it but it’s deeper than that. It brings back memories (even though he’s never gone this long before), I feel anxious not knowing when he’s going to turn up, and I feel ANGRY he feels that this is acceptable! Not only that it’s acceptable but that he can still spill lies about how much I mean to him but he can do this?!? His daughter has actually stopped asking for daddy now and you know what, good. It’s easier for her to learn now that daddy is an absolute degenerate of society than later in her life.

This disappearance has prompted me to really make a decision. The support is good but it’s constantly on his terms and it’s slowly got worse. He’s hit me again since he’s been back to the point I struggled to walk and I’ve had to hear bullshit about how I’m a racist for dressing up our daughter as Moana. He tells me he loves me, that his current lifestyle is only to secure our future and it’s all stuff I ALWAYS heard before. The good thing is, this time I don’t care what he has to say, I don’t care even if he come good.. I do not want to be romantically involved with him at all!

That being said my emotions are still being played with as the more these lies spill out of his mouth, I still want him to be held accountable. The honest kind person in me just cannot understand how another human person functions in this way. No compassion, no remorse and just believes it’s his right that I believe every single thing he says. If I don’t? Then I am just weird and in the wrong.

His mum reached out to me the evening of the last time I saw him, I think she was just concerned of his whereabouts. Earlier on in that week he had got arrested which regarded a firearm and some other stuff. They let him go, but his phone was taken. That week I didn’t see him for 4 full days, when he made an appearance, he was kind, affectionate but he looked a state. Before he was arrested he asked me to get back together, do things ‘properly’ my response wasn’t what he liked and I was the one left in a state when I endured so much verbal abuse and manipulated into feeling like I had made the wrong decision. I knew then I needed space again, I was close to be deeply hurt again.

Of course it wasn’t the wrong decision, of course, in his head he’s done everything he can to prove he’s sorry. Why can’t he see that the person who came back into our lives end of January desperate needy and sorry is miles apart from the person who he is living as now!? Dealing drugs is all he cares about and has no intention of stopping (despite what he says.)

So… Saturday I’m making the journey to visit his mum. The first time since everything happened. No idea how that will go but I will stay true to me. This behaviour is disgusting, it doesn’t matter what anyone says. Someone who lives a normal honest life would never see this as acceptable. It’s emotionally abusive and on his daughter too.

I will not allow her to believe that this is ‘normal’ she’s worth a million times more than that and so do I.

I have never felt so betrayed by a group of people in my life. So betrayed and angry that I actually fell for the bullshit. I worked out for myself along time ago social services could not be trusted but I thought I had support with some others. Especially since to my face they are all in support of me, they all openly speak of the failings of social services.

However, it appears not.

I will cast back to the first time he made contact during the non molestation order. It was a shock and I didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t sure how to move forward but all I knew was, I couldn’t go to court anymore. It was only damaging me further, I had no real support in regards to what was said. No one could really understand how devastated it made me feel reading those nasty words on paper and despite me calling my social worker she didn’t know what to do or say either. I called the DCI who was in charge of my case and she got me in contact with a women’s aid department. Again they are just a listening ear, no one was making him accountable for this and that’s what got to me more. I can talk and talk till I’m blue in the face but he still gets away with everything he said. How is that right?

I remember around that time I spoke with my SW and she cancelled once on me and another time seemed almost relieved I said I was going to see a friend as I was so upset, so she couldn’t see the children. (Later it was used against me.) Before Christmas she asked me if my ex could pass on Christmas presents, she sowed the seed in my mind that she would meet with him with baby if I was ok with it. After much deliberation and it all I thought about… I said no. Even the thought made me anxious. Really the SW shouldn’t have even asked this question, there shouldn’t of been any indirect contact either.

So then on the last weekend in January, he shocked me by making contact. He was in my home when I woke up, I had been on a night out and I was so confused. I wasn’t scared, I was just shocked. He cried to me, he was indeed lovebombing me but I knew all this at the time too. I was in control of my emotions. If I’m honest my mental health needed this, the letter from court had been playing over and over in my head. I was desperate to hear from his own mouth ‘course it isn’t true.’ I needed that closure. He asked to see his daughter, I agreed. Baby was away at a friends and I went to pick her up, she remembered him. Her eyes went big and she put her arms out for him to pick her up. He cried some more, so happy to see her. As a mother we always want to do what’s right, I never want them to witness fights, but it has always been very important to me that my baby knows who her daddy is. He told me how he had seeked legal advice, and after reading many stories I knew he would always be awarded contact. It became clear that his family (who were behind the letter) are as equally as manipulating and I feared for my life that if we went through court I’d be MADE to give her away on set weekends. Those set weekends not having a clue how she was, fearing his family poisoning her little head about why it had to be like this. Worrying about her beautiful little self wondering why ‘mummy and daddy hate each other’ just as I did as a child. They bang on about ‘future significant emotional harm’ when hearing raised voices but yet absent fathers can be equally as damaging, as can parents who can’t even be in the same room. There’s even studies to suggest even families where mother and father show no emotion can be damaging on a child’s upbringing… where do we draw the line?

I have even had conversations with mothers who lose residency due to judges accusing them of being hostel to contact and parent alienation syndrome. I just can’t lose my beautiful baby girl, she’s made this nightmare worth it.

I told the lady I had been working with from my eldest daughters school. I could have lied, I could have just made out there was no contact but I didn’t. I wanted the help they promised.

A core group meeting was finally arranged, at at this meeting my SW listened to what I said and nodded in agreement with me. Even said ‘yes he’ll get contact, yes he legally has rights, yes a judge will over rule.’ I felt like I had done the right thing. I felt positive. I felt supported. However, well aware that the last plan was to not have contact I raised this issue too as I don’t want it going against me. I was told ‘plans can be changed’ and they are there to help the family … SW had said she would help with supervised contact and would draw up a written agreement. This has not been done! I have today found out that instead of this agreement being put in place it’s just pretty much got a black mark on the report (parents have not stuck to non mol order as both had contact.) This is an unfair and untrue representation of what actually happened. The report is construed in a way that looks like we’ve just ignored the plan. Not fair.

Since that core meeting we had another. I felt like it was a joke since the SW hadn’t even seen me or spoke to me since the last one. I clearly made the mistake of showing the lady I saw as a friend, the voice recording of the ONE argument my ex and I had over contact. It says how I was shouting and how baby witnessed it, and that my ex said ‘you need me and that’s all there is to it.’ That is NOT TRUE! I said ‘I need you to have her’ and he said ‘I know you do.’ Very different! Apparently from this ONE time it is CLEAR the children are witnessing DV and I am still being controlled. Don’t you just love that people who do not know me at all can make these decisions about me. Yes baby shouldn’t hear arguments but I’m only fucking human. If social went round interfering in every families life that has a row they’d be more swamped than they already are. I only recorded it to show how manipulative he is, to prove to myself that he does manipulate situations and not because he intimidated me or scared me! Equally lets not forget … it was a phone call!!

The report goes on to say I admitted ex is smoking cannabis and taking other drugs and that I was advised of the risks but still leave my daughter in his care. Implying I am putting her at risk. HE admits he smokes cannabis and in fact I remember SW right at the beginning saying it wasn’t an issue. He never ever does it around the children or in my home, I hate the stuff. Never ever ever did I say he takes other drugs, he does not. Straight up lie! SW EVEN said her self at last core that he isn’t a risk HERSELF yet the report is suggesting he is. Let’s also add in here that he’s had her THREE times on his own in just over 2 months. He’s her dad!

Clearly me calling the police the other week is also going to be made into a massive issue when no one was hurt, I was just pissed off and I won’t tolerate any bad behaviour. So the two times there has been an issue they know about it. I should have just kept my mouth shut, I should have done this a year ago. Led into a false sense of security, told I would be helped when in reality they have made things worse.

This blog post could go on forever about all the little lies, lack of support and other failings along the way over the past year but it isn’t relevant right now. The report is suggesting PLO which is basically the last chance for me to stop them from going to court to look at making an order to protect the child.

When the core group just shrugged their shoulders and looked at me in silence at the last meeting and said ‘seek legal’ I said what does that mean!? They denied that it meant anything regarding court order , they ALL lied to me. I was led to believe it was just further help because my SW didn’t know what to do but no, liars! PLO I saw it in black and white.

‘Professionals are concerned about the safety of the children’ it reads, this is very different to what they tell me! I am so hurt and angry. This is my children they are messing around with, this is me as a mother they are criticising and I don’t take that lightly! It is also repeated throughout that I don’t allow SW to see the children and that I am always making excuses. I invite them to evidence this. Prove this has happened. I said ‘no’ to her visiting the time after the 2nd core this year simply because I was so annoyed she hadn’t bothered with me since the last one. I just KNEW she’d play on that.

All this time my ex isn’t even invited to the meetings and my health visitor has pulled this up too. How can you accuse him of not engaging but you don’t contact him either. I once again feel like I have no control, I feel gaslighted, I feel emotionally bullied and I feel like my kindness has been mistaken for weakness. Should victims of domestic abuse feel like this?? Haven’t I been through enough!

Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic which a person uses to gain more power over an individual.

It is a form of emotional abuse which takes lying to a different level. A pathological liar is equally as dangerous but gaslighting is one of the most harmful forms of mental and emotional abuse.

The aim is clear, it is to confuse and manipulate so the perpetrator can gain full power of their victim.

Eventually the victim becomes so fearful of questioning what happened and pulling that person up on anything that ‘just doesn’t make sense’ that they become silent and an easier target for a perpetrator to manipulate and control.

Not only will they do things that just do not make sense like in my Pathological Liars post but they will deny things you KNOW happened.

It may start very subtle. For example an agreement for you both to do something Saturday but then later they say different ‘um no I never said that, I said Sunday.’

It hardly seems a big deal at the beginning of a relationship and if it rarely happens and maybe you did mishear or they got confused themselves then it might not be gaslighting. If it is a regular thing then it’s a major red flag.

Other scenarios to look out for:

‘I really like Chinese’ they may say, you later book a Chinese restaurant only for them to be uninterested and be adamant you got it wrong and they are not fond of Chinese food.

‘Yes I’m excited to go out with your friends on Sunday’, Sunday comes and they then say ‘no we agreed we weren’t going to go. It was your idea to not go.’ They can literally fabricate a whole story, by saying ‘you said something’ which you know you didn’t! If you question them they continue more lies, getting angry and accusing you of going mad. I had to hear ‘joke’ muttered under his breath, ‘as if I said that’ whilst mocking laughing at me. It is a very dangerous place for your mind to be.

Over time the denying blame and lies get more frequent. They will deny something they said just 5 minutes before hand. ‘No I didn’t say that’ again with laughing. It is completely exhausting and with someone this manipulative that perhaps could be mistaken for a misunderstanding by a normal person, it just doesn’t stop there. He would continue to deny, and lie. Even if I had dropped it, he would go on for a period of time muttering how wrong I got it. Guilt maybe or maybe feeling like he hadn’t done enough to ‘convince me I was wrong.’

They twist reality and they lie so well. Look you straight in the eye and you start to think that maybe YOU have got it wrong. They cannot ever take responsibility and if they do realise that they are in the wrong and they can’t get out of it it suddenly it becomes ‘no big deal’. The topic is dropped and then something will be bought up concerning something you did wrong to throw you off track ‘well last week you didn’t do the washing up like you said you would’ for example. A distraction tactic to forget what has been said.

Sometimes they will be charming and calm when gaslighting you, other times they can be disgusting and vile. Pull them up on disrespectful behaviour and suddenly you are over sensitive. They didn’t say it the way you took it and once again it’s you going mad.

They can also project their behaviour onto you. This is known as projection where they will accuse you of the very thing they are guilty of. ‘You have a split personality,’ ‘you have no manners or respect’ and his favourite ‘I’ve asked you to do something as a couple but you are just not interested.’ Of course it was him who blew hot and cold, him who spoke to me with complete disrespect and him who left me isolated and not interested in doing anything together in the relationship. Yet he is convinced it’s all me and I am a bad person. This is why he is never around because I lie and I will never have anyone treating me good when I behave like this.

I really lost count of the number of times we had conflict like this, it was regular. At least once a day would not be an exaggeration. ‘But you said’, I would cry ‘That didn’t happen’ I would scream, ‘You’re sending me mad.’ Even with that I was told I was sending myself mad. These conversations leave you completely confused and you often question your own self about what even happened. Unable to recite what was said or even how you ended up in the state you are in. You are the one who looks crazy!

Despite knowing what happened, and standing your ground it is still very very exhausting and draining. Like I said, events in his head were ALWAYS completely different to reality. Even though often I KNEW, I still questioned reality and I was so adamant I wanted to hear the truth from him. I wouldn’t get it though. He even invented in his head that last year I did a 6 week course where I got a certificate at the end of it. It did not happen!! He failed in convincing me it did but it sure as hell still bothers me that he honestly sees that as reality!

Gaslighting is a HUGE topic and I will write more about it in my book but it is important to remember you are not going mad.

Educate yourself, knowledge is power!