Category: DomesticAbuse

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Why does he cheat?

Posted on by KerryLouise

It is impossible to sum up everything in just one blog post. However it can all be found in my blog but what I’m finding particularly difficult and I tend to relive in my mind daily, is the abuse I experienced regarding my abusers infidelity. This isn’t a man who would cheat on odd occasions or cheat and leave because he felt like he fell in love with someone else. This is a man who would lie deceit and have other relationships making out to whoever the poor girl was that they were in fact the chosen one. He lied and cheated to them too. There is something highly destructive vile and cruel about these types of men. They don’t fall in love, they see women as objects. Not caring about who will get hurt in the process, so desperate disgusting and needy.

I used to feel so embarrassed and ashamed by this. What was wrong with me? Why wasn’t I enough? Or good enough? I had blamed myself for gaining weight when I was pregnant. Not getting rid of the weight quick enough, accepted that I was nasty to him at times so I pushed him away. I listened to his excuses about how my infidelity when he was in prison (the first time) messed with his head and much much more. Accepting and justifying his infidelity

Finally a year later after finding out about the first ‘affair’ I was ready to get completely rid. As mentioned I was ready months ago but this time it gave me the strength to make everything final. I needed a court order, no contact is the ONLY way. He’s a vile cruel narcissist and I’ll be damned if he ever disrespects me again.

Without re writing history the cycles were always the same. I suspected, I confronted, he would lie scream and beg till he was blue in the face that I was wrong. Turned it all back round on me, told me I was weird and paranoid. In fact used it as an excuse to go through my phone, all my social media and question me over very innocent situations. So so convincingly told me I was everything to him, his world. How he’s nearly lost me before and over his dead body would he ever risk it again. He swore on his mother’s life, on his baby’s life and in that given moment I doubted myself. He looked me straight in the eye, held me, wouldn’t let me go. Even though my gut and head knew, it was like I was given no choice but to believe him. You can’t doubt a man like this or question him too much, it was too exhausting and it ended in a fight where I would be left bruised, confused and no better off since an argument would only end by me having to tell him I loved him and we were still together. Completely impossible.

The only way to EVER get him to admit was to play detective. Without talking to the girl in question he would just carry on the cycle. Carry on lying, cheating, coming and going as he pleases. Expecting love, affection and sex when he returned and I was anxious, lonely, distraught and TRAPPED!

The first time was the most hurtful, now I look back it was completely so obvious but he controlled me so much my head wasn’t in gear. Acceptance … Also let’s not forget I was pregnant and emotions were everywhere anyway. He disappeared, often days at a time, heavily pregnant and so lonely and ashamed. I couldn’t admit to anyone how much of my pregnancy I did on my own. What an idiot I was for believing in him. Standing by a man in prison. Thinking he would change. There was a whole heap of abuse surrounding that too- that too was of course all in my head until he needed to use it as an excuse. He blamed his drug dealing life (which I never supported until I was desperate for my family) as to why he had to be away at times. I was not allowed to dispute, question or argue it. He ALWAYS had the upper hand and I was ALWAYS the one left crying, broken, devastated and alone.

One time he left me all night with our 4 day old baby after a c-section unable to get out of bed. I called him around 50 times, I was traumatised, devastated and felt completely worthless. It happened a few more times after that, each time begging and promising it wouldn’t happen again! LYING IS ABUSE. He had no intention to never do it again he just wanted to make sure I wasn’t going anywhere! When I found out he had in fact been cheating I had never ever felt pain like it. The girl was young, she had been fed lies about how we wasn’t together. He had met all her family and she told me he was pretty much living at hers with her grandparents. My life just wasn’t my life, how did I let this happen I thought! My beautiful baby being born into such negative bullshit, a time of my life that should have been so happy was in fact the lowest I have ever ever been. I felt sick at the thought that after my labour , after he showered my just given birth naked body, acting like the proudest dad in the world he went to another girl! Just vile. Obviously after I found out, he lied more, told me she was lying about how involved they were, told me he was glad I found out because he didn’t know how to stop it. Fucking hell the lies he told were incredible. I believed he loved me and he just made a mistake. A man like this are , he would lie about things where the truth isn’t even a problem. So addicted to living a lie, convincing and I am sure he must just must believe his own lies. He didn’t stop abusing there, he then continued to go between us both. I kicked him out so he used her home, laughing with me about how she was just his landlord. Coming back to me promising me he would leave her soon and that he just needed to sort his head out. We would have sex and I would allow him to go back to her. So vulnerable desperate and ashamed. It needs to be goodbye …Narcissists always promise and never deliver. He did that in many many areas of his life. I became used to being cheated on , used to be disrespected, he went back to her one night after he did come back and I just accepted it. He in front of us both this time made out she was lying. I knew she wasn’t, it was him, I had been on the receiving end of that before and I knew how much of a cold lying heartless cheating bastard he was but at least this time it was her being made to look out to be a liar and not me. I wanted her to feel how I felt the times she would ring me saying ‘can I have my man back now’, and I just knew she swallowed all his lies about me being just a bitter baby mum , that we hadn’t had sex for months and oh that I was just intimidated by her. Give me strength!

The second time was Christmas/new year 2016/2017. For this reason I’m suffering bad in the lead up to Christmas. Just as I was feeling around my baby’s birthday in September, reliving all the trauma from the year before. I have never ever been treated the way he treated me last Christmas and I sure as hell will never ever ever be treated like that again. This wasn’t JUST about his cheating but many things but it always ended the same. I found a girls number, she wouldn’t talk to me until my friend spoke to her and yes he had been cheating again. Like what the fuck is wrong with him!! Imagine he called me a snake for finding out, I was jealous, embarrassing and I was meant to be a big woman but just looking dumb in front of young girls. Something very psychotic about someone who can be found out for cheating and then blame you for finding out! Very psychotic indeed. Before finding out I experienced sleepless nights, I’d wake up and he would have disappeared. He would even text me saying ‘on my way home baby all I want is you’ and not fucking come home. Who actually does that!? His response would be ‘something came up.’ I was so trapped, why wouldn’t he just leave me alone. I didn’t beg him this time, ‘just go’ I screamed! Be yourself as an unemployed drug dealing cheat who gets his self worth from sleeping with multiple women! ‘Just GO!’

Before I found out about this 2nd one I confronted him, I have never seen someone so fucking desperate. He was adamant that I was just paranoid because of last time, he had no reason this time and before was just revenge ! Genuinely believing it was his right to cheat since I had too. I had everything turned back round on me, holding me down telling me I was the cheat, telling me I had men in my phone because I was an attention seeking whore. I was going insane! I cut my arm in front of his eyes so desperate for him to stop. I needed to just get him to shut up! It finally ended when he calmed me down, again I had no choice but to believe there was no one else. He left and didn’t come home. The cycle continued. Finding out number 2

This time I was adamant I was not going to get caught up in another love triangle. Of course he carried on the same, begging me, yet telling her I was lying. Despite us both having a conversation , her seeming actually like she was just as sickened by him too and he had even lied about his name, she fell for his lies too. Why wouldn’t she? I did. He’s a professional liar! It was from this time the police became involved, he was initiating sex whilst I had a man fitting my boiler and my 2 children awake (Another thing abusers do – demand sex at inappropriate times) and I was very stern on my no. You can’t say no to an abuser and it escalated so bad, he hid my phone and the shit coming out his mouth was breaking me some more. I needed him out and I messaged my sister on fb. ‘Call the police’. I NEVER thought I could ever call the police on him, EVER! I was desperate !!

We then separated for a while, we were still being intimate though I was just not allowing him to live with me. He manipulated it all. Eventually after lies and bullshit I was willing to give us another shot, he swore on his daughters life that there had been no one else. I obviously found out different. Another poor woman who he actually met when I was pregnant, confronting him with this one initiated the worst violence from him. Same cycle , denying denying denying! Abused for not believing, hit for accusing, turned back round on me for talking to men and having flowers bought for me during our separation. Then when it was confirmed I had my phone smashed, hit some more, and I was literally a prisoner in my own home! This one he called in front of me, told her how he loved me, he was sorry but she didn’t mean anything to him. This didn’t make me feel good I felt sorry for her, he literally doesn’t care about anyone but himself. The events from this meant I went to the police again, I was bruised all over my body which he made a point of kissing each bruise before he left. Told me that it wasn’t him and he was sorry. I had once again got no phone because he completely smashed it and I was so bruised my body felt tired and sore. He could still go on his day though, not caring about how I was feeling. He did 28 days in jail.

When in jail he got to me again. The words he wrote in the letters, manipulation and I just wanted to go on the family holiday that had been booked for a year. It was all my focus was. One holiday for my baby to experience. Upon his release I couldn’t believe the change in him, he was doing a course to actually get some work and he was so calm, loving and the man I always thought he was. Four weeks that lasted and if I’m completely honest that devil in him appeared even on our holiday in May 2017. A Greek security guard from the airport even came up to me and said ‘I’m here if you need me.’ My abuser wouldn’t even give me a euro for some water and made me stand in the que with all the suitcases whilst incredibly hungover and faint. A stranger had to help me move my suitcases whilst he just sat down occasionally glaring at me like he hated me. What had I done wrong? I sobbed.

June 2017 and I started a new job. From this point I KNEW I wanted out. I wasn’t hoping or expecting change. He was bringing me down daily and all I can thank is that I finally saw that. I was spoken to like a child, told what I could wear, blamed for dirty marks found on his clothes and hit when things were not going his way. He used our daughter to control me. He was her primary carer and if things didn’t go his way he would threaten me and say how he couldn’t look after her. I was NOT going to allow him as a reason I couldn’t go to work and so quickly enrolled her in nursery. I was fortunate enough to start seeing that I deserved more just by the Work I was doing, the people I was surrounded by and the friendships I was building. He said that he knew when I got a job I wouldn’t want him anymore, he was losing control. He didn’t like that! That only meant he got more vile, more controlling, and it increasingly became harder to get out of. The charm to harm stuff was chronic. Yes vile but also insanely over the top nice too, for that I convinced myself I wanted him in our baby’s life, that I had to face facts he would always be in my life. I wanted to at least co-parent and told myself that eventually maybe I just wouldn’t care anymore and he’d no longer get to me. I even considered just meeting another man and being the one to ‘cheat’ , but I couldn’t get another man involved in this, he made it very clear what would happen should that be the case. If I had done that that would have been used against me for the rest of my life.

More recently I became suspicious again, it wasn’t as often though. I think it was because I cared a lot lot less. I even begged him to go find someone else, I hoped he had. I did not want him, we had no future together and I couldn’t see one at all. When we was together he was either abusive and rude or overly loving and desperate. Obviously he wouldn’t admit to another woman and he actually spent the majority of the time going over and over how ashamed he felt, how badly he’s treated me, how he was going to spend the rest of his life proving it to me and that he loved me so much. Again the convincing lying, the manipulation, the desperate words of a man scared of losing the ‘love of his life.’ I’m a lot wiser to all this now but I still needed to catch him in the act to get him to admit it. He would kiss my forehead whilst I was falling asleep and whisper how much he loved me yet be sleeping with another woman. He is not sane! I think men like him MUST believe their own shit. Maybe he felt an element of guilt when around me so over compensated. I doubt it though. His shit got more convincing but I got a lot wiser and stronger and that’s all that is to it. His pleasantries no longer made me feel good, mostly just angry and sick. Actions speak louder than words was all I thought of!

It still hurt though. Not for the other girl, I know she means shit to him but the countless times he got so angry with me for doubting. The abuse he gave me for going to Ibiza just 2 weeks prior and can you imagine having a conversation with a man you love on the telephone whilst he has another girl by his side and hear him say ‘stop being weird we haven’t been together for months, this is my new girl now’. So so damaging all to the mother of his child knowing the state he got me in by doing this. I had to deal with that with three different women. Cruel isn’t even the word.

Even this time, as usual at every opportunity he’s had since. he’s begged cried and told me he loved me. He has been so disrespectful about her (of course) and so convinced I would have him back one day. Not this time mate, no way! I have a court order on him, and that is the way I hope it will stay. I am moving so he doesn’t know where I am, and I will be dammed if I listen to any more lies. He has already breached his order by talking to me and in the short time he was breaching he somehow still managed to get inside my head. I believed that he misses me and loves me, even though I know he doesn’t he just hates that his control over me has gone. When I’m in his presence I feel hypnotised it’s fucking MENTAL.

For all these reasons and many many more I will keep it being ‘no contact.’ He won’t be seeing his daughter until he does everything social services asks of him. I gave him plenty of opportunity to be a Dad, co-parent and be involved and he proved time and time again he would let her down just as much as he was me. I do feel worried still that given the opportunity he would get inside my head again. That’s the control he has on me, and that’s what I am working on and making sure I am never ever that girl again.

I feel so grateful that domestic abuse is spoken more of these days, the law got stricter in 2015 and I can only hope more and more continues to be done. I speak to women who have suffered abuse for years. I am proud that I got out when I did. Nearly 2 years was long enough and it would have only got worse. My inbox is ALWAYS open for anyone struggling, unsure on what they are experiencing or needing some extra support. My best support has come from those who understand and get it and I am adamant that I will use my experience to help others.

I have been strong, others can too!

Posted in DomesticAbuse, Girltalk, Heart, Heartbreak, Mistakes, prisonwives, relationship, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum

The Truth will Conquer

Posted on by KerryLouise

I’ve had a good day today. Well better than still can be expected. It really is always a rollercoaster of emotions. Spoke to M last night for ages. It’s so nice to actually chat with someone and just get on. He makes jokes about me being his girl and we talk about life before. I guess I find him comforting as he’s followed the process since I’ve know him since 2015. He is also highly complimentary and there’s something more satisfying getting that from someone who you’ve actually known. Like you can chat with guys online but generally they will be complimentary since they are trying to smooth talk and charm. From M it seems more real.

It’s when I’m driving in my car alone I get most of my flash backs (apart from yesterday morning in the shower). I was driving back from MK today and I just thought about her letter again. To think I even screen shotted her proof that he text saying how much he loved me just the day before. So blind, so foolish. What bothers me is the fact he makes out to anyone who listens that he can’t see his daughter because I’m basically jealous and bitter! That’s what fucking bothers me because that is so so far from the truth. I know the truth will conquer but until that time I can’t help but have how the conversation would go in my head. I feel so sorry for her writing this letter when he was begging me on Monday, begging me prior to that and slagging her off to me. Continuing to deny her and telling me he fucked her off. How he ruined everything for a stupid mistake with an ugly old coke taker. It’s crazy how he thinks that’s the only reason but hey. Apparently he isn’t sleeping (he did look a mess) and every time he sees a buggy and a family it kills him. Heard this before, shame he kept forgetting that feeling ey! He had enough chances at it.

Anyway when I got home I pulled up my statement that was written for the non molestation order (you know the one I’m supposedly manipulating the services with). It’s brutal. It dates right back to march 2016 where he punched me in the stomach and I had a bleed when pregnant. I mention the smashing up on my phones x3. The bruises, the fat lips and the fact he’s bit my face before. I talk about the bad innocent in January 2017 and then also the most recent with the hard punch in my rib. Then it explains how I suspected another woman but he was denying it and wouldn’t leave me alone. It’s all in there. Furthermore every fucking thing is backed up with evidence. June 2016 when I went into the hospital crying and high blood pressure. My maternity notes had safeguarding warnings, when I was in labour I was asked repeatedly if I was ok him being there. I guess my midwife knew more than she let on! The evidence of all the pictures that were taken by the police. I have holes in my walls! Then the most recent one was witnessed by my 9 year old daughter who told a teacher at the school ! My social worker has seen bruises and all my tears. Other health professionals have been trying to warn me and one in particular I’ve kept in contact with and she has her own batch of evidence. Why the hell am I still finding myself trying to justify myself. HE FUCKING ABUSED ME! I am manipulating NO ONE! He hadn’t seen my statement until Monday, I bet he didn’t show her it. He has been instructed to issue a statement by 8th December, the thought of his response is making me so anxious! The lies are real killers.

I was with my friend today who is also on her own and her baby doesn’t see her dad. We both agreed that yeh our girls may want to find their dads in the future but they’ll soon learn that their mummy’s did the right thing. I love my baby with all my heart and my eldest of course. They are simply my world and I spent so long chasing something that was never going to happen thinking that was for the best. It wasn’t , he isn’t and he doesn’t deserve his daughter or me and my eldest either.

I was looking through photos tonight I want to get some printed for My baby to look back on and see that daddy was in her life at one point. I screenshotted a meme that made me sad and highlighted how much shit I’ve put up with.

28th September 2016 that was on my camera roll. How fitting , and I felt like that from March 2016 – June 2017. Then I just knew I needed to somehow get away. June 2017 on the hen do he tried to sabotage then got angry because I wore a dress I shouldn’t of I did actually get drunk and cry and just said ‘I deserve better.’ I was no longer wanting or hoping for change. He had done too much!

This whole time I’ve had too much empathy, felt bad when he ‘felt bad.’ Didn’t like the thought of him hurting and feeling sorry for himself. Not anymore! He never cared for me, not really. He only loved me when he was in the mood to be nice. He didn’t care when I was sitting up all night waiting for him, threatening suicide or more recently telling him I was lonely and I wanted someone new. How dare I want a new relationship though, of course that made me a slag or I heard more empty promises how things were soon changing.

Typical narcissist, promising amazing stuff it doesn’t happen and all they care about is them!!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Aftermath of trauma..

Posted on by KerryLouise

I am struggling. It’s all a process and ok I don’t feel as angry (apart from with the stupid interfering skank who thinks she knows the man I’ve known 4 years) but I am suffering with my own thoughts.

I spoke with M again last night. It’s nice to talk to him but even that bought back memories of my abuser. I remember him calling me July 2016 and I admitted I was pregnant. That day my abuser was terrible I had to run out of my own home with my daughter. He was on a mad one and just being vile. Telling me the baby probably wasn’t his, being cold and distant. Told me he doesn’t fancy me anymore and going mad about an incident that happened with his vile cousin. He had not came home all night after promising he wouldn’t ever do it again just 6 hours prior and I didn’t want to let him in. Not sure why I did. When I try and explain my story I actually can’t even describe how he abuses me the only way I can explain it is … at the time I could EASILY stick a gun in my head to end it all. Anything to not feel or hear what was going on at that given time.

Another time he rang me it was Father’s Day 2017 and it was the day after I have a voice recording of him stopping me from wearing a certain item of clothing. (Which btw someone from a woman’s aid type institute couldn’t believe how abusive he was) . His behaviour was again so so unreasonable, all week I had been explaining that I needed some money towards bills. He was promising me £60. I explained that without it I simply couldn’t pay for us to go out to eat for Father’s Day. I had to walk out, I walked out and rang his mum. His mum was very supportive and agreed he was being outrageous and needed to grow up. I wrote in my notes on my iPhone of what he was saying… ‘Joke mans gonna have to pay for my own Father’s Day .. like what did you pay for my birthday and what did you get for your birthday .. exactly .’ My response was ‘What this dickhead fails to see is!!! If he fucking contributed to my bills I could pay for stuff but money doesn’t grow on f’ing trees! Also back in September he was an awful awful person .. lying cheating scumbag and cheating on me so why would I buy him ANYTHING!!

So ungrateful, so unappreciative and where was he on Mother’s Day!! Oh yeh that’s right JAIL!! ‘ When he is like this I literally CANNOT DO ANYTHING right! Instead of saying ‘babe I’m going to take our baby to my nans’ he talks indirectly and I’m tiptoeing around him hoping he doesn’t fly off the handle and asking something wrong. Muttering constantly how things are a joke. Omg I can still feel the feelings, I watch myself being so pathetic and scared. He then controls everything, the time we leave, the fact I have to take him, he dictates when I pick him up and he is a fucking selfish asshole animal!! He thinks he’ll one day get me back!! OVER MY DEAD FUCKING BODY!! I am angry that he still thinks this, angry that the cunt writing letters doesn’t even realise how he was STILL adamant he loves me!! They need to both fuck off out my head!!

Don’t get me started on what he did on his birthday in 2016. Makes me sick and anxious and my own thoughts send me insane thinking of that day too! I can watch my own life like a film. I’m not coping! I have a doctors appointment on Monday, I need help! I drove to a meeting this morning and at 2 points in one of the roads I saw a film of me and re-lived the feelings ! What the fuck is this , I actually could avoid certain roads ! Too many raw awful disgusting memories. Christmas last year was AWFUL! I wasn’t as strong as I am now and if I’m honest the most traumatic events are older ones and I just need January here! Actually February that’s when I move, right now I cannot see me EVER being able to be amicable with him. I tried so so hard to but as explained countless times it wasn’t possible.

I fucking HATE him!! HATE him so so much!!!!!!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Blast from the past

Posted on by KerryLouise

Go back far enough in my blog and you’ll read about the ‘other man’, the man I didn’t even admit to my friends for so long, the man that I got involved in whilst my abuser was in jail. I don’t want to or need to go over old ground with explaining the situation or my thoughts and feelings around that time but it’s worth mentioning how much my abuser never ever let it go. Even recently he bought him up, so sure that he would come and find me when he got out of HMP. Yes that’s right he’s in jail. I know I know I don’t half pick them but the difference with this one is I had absolutely no idea what he was playing at. I remember thinking how he had his shit together, slightly concerned that I would be facing a tough decision when it came to it but that didn’t last long as it came to light he was involved in fraud on quite a large scale. 8 years and 10 months he got. Isn’t it funny how even the length of sentence intimidated my ex, saw it as a competition. Felt that his jail time was inadequate, and that I would see the fraudster as bigger and better, yes this is really the mentality of these people.

I did contact him when I shouldn’t have, but it was after the first violent episode back in early 2016 and I just wanted to reach out to a man who I knew would never do that to me. Problem with me I was always too honest , and when I started experiencing disrespect from my ex I admitted that I had done the same at times. Admitted that he had called me whilst I was with the other guy. Admitted we had spoke since. Admitted that I had emailed him and he had sent me a letter. We really barely spoke at all, but considering his disrespect I kind of saw it as a payback knowing how much it would hurt him if he ever knew. I guess this is also how he got away with so much I accepted fault because of my dishonesty! Eventually I learnt that none of my actions were deserving of abuse especially on his scale but he fooled me long enough thinking it was. I even went to see him once, that one I never admitted too. It actually was none of his business considering he was on to girlfriend number 2 at the time anyway. Despite me not even mentioning him I was abused chronically for this ‘affair’ he would continue to tell me I had another man in jail and it wasn’t fair because he was always that person. Tell me I was a joke for giving out my address and I’ve got mans laughing at him. Considering the amount of cheating he did, I think a couple of phone calls when I was in a really dark and lonely place isn’t on the same level. To him though and his level of double standards, boy it was unforgivable.

When I changed my number again recently I updated my number with him via the prisoner email service. Too much of a soft touch and I thought how I would quite like to speak to him again. He was a friend, a familiar voice and a distraction right.

Last Saturday he rang me. It’s mad how you never forget a voice he actually said ‘hi’ and then said ‘do you know who it is.’ I knew from the word hi who it was. Madness. We spoke a bit and I updated him. I think the last time we spoke was June, and I remember it being Father’s Day and I had had a bad weekend with my ex. Like really bad. Speaking to him was refreshing. No drama, no bullshit, no rudeness just a conversation. That is exactly what it is. On Saturday he finished by saying call you soon. In the past that’s never happened so took it as gospel. Well tonight he called again and we were talking for over an hour. All day I’ve been reliving bad memories in my head, watching and reliving traumatic times like a movie and not like it’s real life, a tight dead knot constantly in my stomach. Talking to him changed that, I actually only reminisced good times. We both did. Like don’t worry I’m not about to confess my love to him, wait for him or even think we’ll ever be anything. (Never ever will I be in that situation again) but the point is, I can be distracted and I can and will get over the trauma I’ve experienced. Relationships can be positive, and calm and enjoyable and I often need a reminder of that.

He made me feel good, and the familiarity was nice. I’m on dating sites but sometimes the conversation is always so dead. Exhausting starting from scratch with someone especially as the majority are only out for one thing.

I doubt I’ll hear again from him for a while but it doesn’t matter. He served a purpose for this evening and tomorrow I will continue feeling positive.

Posted in DomesticAbuse

I wish I didn’t feel so sorry for him ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

But that’s how he’s managed to get me for so long. That’s how he nearly got me on Monday, telling me he has no one to talk to, he’s such an emotional mess and misses me. I’ll never fall for his bullshit again in an emotional relationship way but I would allow him to have contact with his daughter. He said he thinks about us every day and plays over times in his head when he knows he wasn’t a good person to me. Even after the dumb letter from her, yes I was angry and it continued to show how manipulative he is but I felt sorry for him some more when we sat in the court room. All I need to remember is , I did EVERYTHING I could, I was ALWAYS there for him. I REPEATEDLY gave him chance after chance and he should have expected that one day it would blow up in his face. I threatened this injunction long enough before I actually got it. Something ironic about being told that he’ll break my jaw if I stop him seeing his daughter.

Police came last night I have to do everything social services have said. The contact was there so I reported it to the police. I told the full story and initially the officer said he can’t arrest him for it because he was placed in a situation at court and I engaged with him too. He was completely understanding though and accepted how difficult his presence is but fair enough I thought, but at least I had done my bit and had it recorded. It wasn’t long later and the officer called me back and said in fact his Sgt disagrees and he is in breach so he came back to take my statement. He is now wanted for breach of order. Why do I feel bad again!!?? He had a choice he knows the implications. He saw how many witnesses there were and just did not care. That is him all over pushing boundaries and when he’s losing control he doesn’t care at all what he does.

I need to get that letter out my mind. She’s so stupid I can’t even deal. 38 years old and cannot see that I just simply wouldn’t ‘make all this up’ , that even infidelity is abuse and he’s done it to YOU, he’s denying you to me and me to you! Wake up sweetheart before he really gets in your head because believe me it’s a dark and dangerous place. It’s EXACTLY the same pattern and that is what is so obvious about these scenarios. She’s trying to Mother him, help him exactly what I tried to do 4 years ago. One thing I do remember saying and actually meaning was if he had child or an ex on the scene I would NEVER EVER have got involved. I remember thinking how sad it was how lost and unsupported he was, but it would have been a VERY different story if he had a child he wasn’t supporting. His cousin has 2 kids he wasn’t allowed to see and I didn’t blame the women I blamed him and knew to the bottom of my stomach that if that was him in that situation I would have ran a mile. The fact he had no money and no job for himself was one thing but if he wasn’t working for a child that’s something else, and also the jealousy element on my part. I wouldn’t have got so involved. I only got so entwined because I had ALL his love. That’s how I got so hooked! I feel sorry for this woman 13 years his senior, (yet he called me old) I know I’ve got angry but she is only another pawn in his game and she will lose. Hopefully she sees the light before it gets bad but that isn’t my problem either. There would have been MANY times she didn’t hear from him during their ‘relationship’. That to happen so early on and she just accepts it, she’s got NO CHANCE.

I just need to hold my head high, not let him in to my mind and NEVER EVER allow him or anyone else to down play my situation. It’s been hell!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

I am better than this

Posted on by KerryLouise

I can’t shake it from my head I want to badly to ring this fool and tell her to get her pointy nose out of my business! 2 months you’ve known him and he was sleeping with me the whole time yet you call him your ‘partner’. You messed up individual!

I am so so angry that she even had the audacity to think that her shitty words on a piece of paper would even stand anywhere against all the mountains of evidence I have. He told me she loves the cocaine maybe that’s what it was for. Extra drugs from him. He told me she was constantly asking him if he’s seen me, whether he still loves me, questions after questions. I intimidate her clearly!! She told him about her ex and how she has trust issues so kept asking him to confirm their relationship. Obviously he told me he got annoyed by her and fucked her off but that ain’t in his nature. He won’t have. He told me he admitted he still loves me to her, that’s no doubtably bullshit too and clearly this ‘letter’ is her desperate needy pathetic attempt at trying to make her look like his guardian angel. Dumb bitch all you’ve done is make it worse because I will NOT be made out to be a liar and I will NOT allow my daughter around someone like him nor someone like you! Coke loving abuser sympathiser! This is highlighted how toxic, how manipulative and how much of an abuser he really is. Already got his next supply he’s love bombing, already disrespecting, since EVERY opportunity he has it has been about me. He’s fed her a pack of lies and I will be dammed if I even allow contact in a contact centre. He isn’t safe, he isn’t sane and he will ruin my baby girl too just like he ruins everyone else !

She mentioned in her letter how he’s never intimidated her. I’m glad you think your small experience of him overpowers my 4 years of knowing him. Abusers only turn abusive when they don’t get their own way, maybe you’ve just been a wet lettuce and allowed all his disrespect. Well that’s evident since he was sleeping with both of us at the same and you CLEARLY know about that. Also he obviously doesn’t give two toots about you, he has no need to be jealous, controlling or intimidating. It’s been 2 months, you’re just a bed to sleep in , a body to fuck you have NO right to tell me that my ex partner is not abusive.

But I will not rise to her. The reactive person in me wants to react and go for her. Tell her to mind her own business and tell her how desperate he was for me yesterday. But no the smart me will refrain, she will learn, I will just give the evidence to the police and carry on. I don’t want that disgusting human and I hope you get pregnant and get beaten up again!! Then we’ll see how strongly you feel that ‘he is not this man I make him out to be.’

Nearly day 1 again of no contact and I even sent my daughter with his number on the ripped up piece of paper to school so she could give it to the family support worker I’ve been working with. I didn’t want it in my presence ! It’s evidence to the police and his ‘I don’t care about being arrested’ can be put into practice now. Hopefully the police are coming to take my statement tonight .

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Tomorrow is a new day!

Posted on by KerryLouise

I’m feeling calmer now, red wine and talks with a good friend helped that. I carry on as I was and start tomorrow as my new day 1 of no contact. I am going to ask and see if I really need to go to the next court date. I really do not want to be anywhere near him. It has absolutely no benefits at all. I just get sucked in. I believed him when he said he loved me and missed me. Believed him when he said he feels so alone and has no one, pitied him and felt sorry for him. Seeing how desperate he was to speak to me, he told me straight that getting arrested didn’t scare him and he just had to talk to me. That is the weirdest situation, you feel like ‘well he must love me then’ the energy is so powerful from him that all I wanted to do was calm him down myself. The ONLY way I can calm him down though is by showing him love and I just cannot do that anymore. He handed me his number as he walked by my side down the court stairs, he wrote it on a ripped piece of paper he clearly just did it in the court waiting area. I took it like someone on auto-pilot and put it in my pocket. I hate seeing him so desperate, I see the nice side of him. The side that really does want me, he continues to say he loves me with a soft tone and I get angry! ‘No he fucking doesn’t.’

I wanted to keep the number for evidence since when he wasn’t getting his own way he blamed me. Told the usher how I showed him a video. Yes I did, when we was at the other court. I’m proud of my baby girl and wanted him to see her walking, he asked to see a picture. Yes I should have just walked away, as I tell him he never cared when I was hurting but I didn’t want to seem bitter. Then when he followed me outside again he was asking me if he could just say one thing. I said no and told him he needs to stay away. The ushers, my solicitor AND security told him so many times. I don’t know what he was trying to say but he then turned nasty again saying I’m only doing this because things haven’t gone my way!! PROJECTION! Lol.

He was excused before me from the court room but waited some more. Caused a commotion because my solicitor asked him to leave first. In the commotion I got away completely traumatised about the mornings events. How is this all even allowed ? We should never be in the same court room. When he was having his say in the court I felt sorry for him. I saw that lost boy in him, the lost boy I always tried to help. It hurts.

He even waited for me outside the wrong court I told him not too but the magnetic force just allowed me to continue walking by his side. Listening to everything he was saying, how he doesn’t understand why he’s like this. How he was so happy and only ever wants me to be the mother of his children – yes plural (he’s mental) and that if he never has another child with me he’s just happy with one. I know why he’s like this! He’s never had a decent man as a role model.

I did call him. I tried so so hard! I’ll admit it to everyone too. This is the power he has on me. But by accepting it and not hiding it is better for me to draw a line under it and move on. I only heard the same stuff he said he is so upset with himself, always thinks about the times he did me wrong. Wishes he could turn back the clocks. Said he couldn’t sleep last night knowing it was my birthday and wishing he could have took me out. Told me he didn’t even have that girls number anymore and he actually had changed his but I’m not stupid, she won’t have wrote that for a guy who hasn’t even been in contact. He told me he was going to get hold of her and tell her to back off. Lol. Well he’s her problem now, you can put up with his lack of respect, drug dealing and cheating. He did get me today for about 20 minutes where I was again thinking ‘maybe he’ll change now’ and that was scary. So all I can do is thank that girl for being so foolish because I am using her foolishness to empower me.

I didn’t even fancy him today. He looks tired, aged and unhappy. He’s lost his spark. He looks me up and down like I know how he sees how good I’m looking and I just need to remember that. I am strong and powerful and I do not need negativity in my life. He won’t ever change, he won’t be true to anyone and I will NOT be told by any dumb bitch that my blog is all lies. What crazy psycho would make up everything I’ve wrote since 2014. Certainly not me. I feel sorry for her, he’s dangling her like a carrot and my communications with him prior to the order being served shows that their ‘relationship’ is not intense at all. She’s desperate and this is just her screaming ‘look I’ll help you’. For a real life adult she isn’t very intelligent. How she thinks that one letter will overpower all my evidence, blogs, voice recordings, witness statements from health professional and social services who have seen the bruises. The police have more than enough evidence and she’s protecting a man she’s known 2 months!! Laughable really! Big fat LOL!

Peace out. This was just one day that ruined my energy. NO MORE!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

What a fucking fool!

Posted on by KerryLouise

Sat here in court wait for him to appeal the non molestation order. I went to the wrong court in the first instance and it turns out so did he. That was his opportunity, he loves me, he misses me, he feels sick to the stomach that he’s lost me. Then when we get to the right court my solicitor hands me a statement from her ! What an absolute idiot ! He’s now adamant he didn’t know she was gonna do it, adamant he wants nothing to do with her, adamant it’s me he wants. Saying he hasn’t even seen her in like 6 weeks, that he admitted to her she still loves me. My solicitor has had to tell him REPEATEDLY to step away from me, he followed me outside and he looked over at me. The way he looks at me all I want is to rewind and wish it never got this bad. When we’re in the court room I feel bad for him. Like what is that!!!

She’s mentioned my blog and said it’s caused him emotional trauma. Haha!! She is an absolute fool! Babe he wants me, not you and you will always always be second best. Comments that I’ve tarnished the reputation of a man! What reputation??? Hahahaha he’s a drug dealing knife carrying abuser you fool! She also says how I turned like this when I found out about their relationship … ummmm!! We were still together , well on his side and if you REALLY think he was being faithful to you then you really are more dumb than you look.

She’s saying that I have caused nothing but chaos since I got her number. That was one night!! How dare she say I have not been abused and I’m making it all up? How fucking dare she !!! Telling them all the information is incorrect, how the fuck does she know??? .. she’s saying that she believes this is a situation where I’m manipulating the system. Omg you know what you deserve him, you will have a massive egg on your face when you realise that you’ve been well and truly made a mug out of. She says she has proof where I’ve said that we’re still been intimate and if this was the case then how is he the man that I’m claiming him to be !! Because you dick that is control ! That is what happens in these types of relationships. I have never denied the intimacy we still have, and sweetheart there’s a whole timeline of events that your little poxy statement does not have a chance in. You are just making yourself look foolish!! If he’s your new partner ask him where he was 2 weeks ago ! Ask him! Thursday 2nd November before the order was served on him! He wasn’t in your bed was he?!? She goes on about how she was in an abusive relationship for 3 years and can’t stand it when someone is lying about such claims, what a disgrace to women she is!

You pathetic weak woman you’ll be abused and abused and abused forever in your life when you’ve clearly learnt nothing! He preys on the weak and he’s loved bombed you!

You are welcome to him!!

Posted in baby, DomesticAbuse, relationships, Singlemum, Strength, Women

A letter to my ex ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

I am so incredibly tired but tonight I have more on my mind that has been on my mind in a while. Well I say a while but that only means longer than I am used too. I am now 9 days clean! Clean of him .. clean of his bullshit and clean of his control.

Problem is, he still has control now, by not allowing me to sleep and be peaceful that is still control. Previous events are popping into my head too much and I’m dealing with post traumatic stress I just know it.

It’s times like this I would ring him, just to shout and swear and tell him how insanely awful he is. It made me feel better, he’d apologise and make empty promises but it was just for a fix, it was still his hook.

He doesn’t realise the damage he has caused, but he will. Oh he will. Why should I ever care how much he is hurting? He never did me! Why should I care that he won’t see his daughter? He was never bothered anyway unless it was about me. That last time I saw him and allowed him to stay over, why did I care at all how sick he was feeling?? I had a fucking caesarean and he didn’t care and disappeared. I should not ever care! So …

To my ex,

I know deep down you know I deserved better, I know deep down you wanted everything you promised to be but there is something so innately toxic and negative about everything you do, that your promises and love was never ever sustainable. You’ll do everything you could to blame me, but I wasn’t to blame I never was. You are a true narcissist, every definition of narcissist describes you down to a T. You are a text book abuser and it’s amazing how a known personality disorder actually makes me feel pretty darn good about myself. It wasn’t me it was you! It was fucking you!!

When things are not going your way you tell the world that I abused you. Funny! You do not know what love is or what a real relationship is. I pity you and feel sorry for you. Your mother, can say what she likes about me but I have evidence she has always told me I deserve better than you and I can sleep well at night knowing she will take this to her grave that she defended a son she can never turn round and say. ‘I am proud of him.’ I understand she should be there for you and blood is thicker than water but calling me a liar and lying about me to social services is ABUSE! She knows the number of times she’s told me I deserve better than you, the hours of conversations where she was supportive of ME, sympathising with ME, she helped me hide my Ibiza trip from you knowing how you would react, was disgusted when she saw how you reacted, she’s felt just as hurt and upset as me knowing you turned back to the very things that put you in prison in the first place. She can visit you in prison in the future because your criminality is only destined for one place and that isn’t the fantasy you tried to sell me with. What was it ‘I’m retiring the streets soon and I’m going to whisk you off your feet’ .. been hearing that for 10 months. At least the time got more realistic, it went from stopping next week to soon. Lost count how many times you said ‘next week’. Breaking promises is ABUSE. Saying one thing and doing another is ABUSE. When I questioned your statements since they never delivered before, I was then emotionally tortured for not ‘trusting you’ or ‘believing you’. ABUSE! Are we understanding better?

I don’t believe you understand exactly how much you put me through. You felt like all your actions were justified and that I was just as bad and you know what, if that really makes you feel better about all this now carry on. By not accepting what you’ve truly done to me you will never ever ever be any good for anyone and I am glad about that.

You will never be truly happy and you don’t deserve to be. You do not deserve our beautiful sweet smart kind innocent little baby. You had endless chances to be a father, I begged with you and pleaded you for support and help. Yes you love her but only when it suited you. Where was you when we needed you? When I was recovering from a c-section, when I had mastitis and when I just wanted to go to the gym! You played the best dad in the world, only when it suited you! I could never rely on you, you even forced me to drive 140 miles just so I could go to work. You made me not put her in nursery but let us down and could never be relied on to watch your OWN daughter. You criticised me for taking her on walks, you told me you felt sorry for her having a mother like me and you told me I didn’t love my own flesh and blood. Are you well?

You slipped up, many hide their true colours from others. You were incapable of that. Social services, our daughters nursery all see you for what you really are. Promising  you ‘will do what it takes to be a family’ but never ever sticking to your word. You couldn’t even do it for your daughter!

I had to hear you say ‘I will tell her what you did when she is old enough’ no sweetheart I will tell her what YOU did. What did I actually do ? Really? The only thing you would say is ‘you don’t work with me’ and you ‘don’t talk to me correctly.’ Once again leaving me to unpuzzle what the hell I was doing wrong.

How is someone like me meant to work with you? You’re a criminal!  Yet you called me lazy, a fat plum who does fuck all. You screamed how respect needed to be earned, wow just wow. Funny how that got to me so much, made me want to explode even when I knew the truth! ABUSE!

I tried to help you change, I believed you were ready for change over 100 times. I believed I was the reason for this abuse, believed I deserved it. You told me once I lost my baby weight ‘you’d have me back’, told me I was too fat for you, told me that I pushed you to it all! Oh I believed you, believed you for so long.

You always promised a fairytale but delivered nothing but nightmares, pain and torture. ABUSE.

You would promise days out, dinners, even a bath time with our baby and either not turn up completely or be insanely late and shout at me for being upset! ABUSE!

Shout at me for buying the wrong bin bags! Shout at me for not washing up right! Shout at me when you noticed a dirty mark on your clothes! Remember that time I got all dressed up ready for my first night out after our baby was born and you promised you would come watch your own baby and just didn’t turn up. How cruel! How vile! Keeping me isolated! ABUSE!

Promise me money and then never give it to me ABUSE! Blame me and my ‘actions’ as to why you are not paying your way or for your daughter ABUSE! You’d scream and shout about how you hated me, I made you sick, I was a joke and you couldn’t stand my voice. Tie me up in knots so bad I could have shot my self in the head just to untangle them ABUSE!

Be sulky or moody because of something that’s happened in your day and that meant you could say ‘I don’t want to talk to you right now’ or ‘get off my fucking line you Dickhead.’ ABUSE! Lying constant is ABUSE. You would lie about things that there was no reason to lie about and when I dug deeper and challenged you you would flip out , ABUSE.

You smashed up my phones – multiple times. Punched 3 holes in my walls. Punched my face!! , ABUSE. How many fat lips did I get? You bit my face, punched my legs, that time you punched me hard in my ribs. Oh no I walked into a door didn’t I ?! ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE!!

Physical abuse you understand, well to a certain extent , what did you say to me most recently ‘baby we had a fight.’ No baby you drove me so far with your degrading emotional torture that I was pushed to retaliate. Knowing that once I retaliated I would get hit harder and then the words would stop. You would be sorry. You think mine was in anger, you’re mistaken, mine was in fear of my mind. I needed to get you to stop and a punch from you usually did the trick. Remember the time I cut my arm? Even that didn’t make you stop.

You live in a world where you think men have automatic rights. Rights to tell me what to wear ‘it’s not control’ you say ‘I’m teaching you.’

Listen I’m not a child for you to teach or punish. How many times did you sit me down to ‘talk’, your idea of ‘talking’ was you telling me what you didn’t like about me.  What you felt that I had done wrong, you did it in intimidating way and got close to my face so I couldn’t move. You were impossible.

You also think you have rights to my body, admit it, you did, if I said no I was abused some more. You’d sulk, you’d swear and you’d say whatever you could to mentally and emotionally hurt me. Remember that time at your mums when you wanted sex in your sisters bed, My daughters were awake!!! I said no and you reacted by telling me I made you sick and that you didn’t want my dead sex anyway. You went mental and when your mother heard the shouting and found out what was going on she told me I could have gone in the bathroom with you, no!! I said no!!! You then continued by saying I wasn’t on your page, screaming shouting at me. Your sister witnessed this all and was disgusted but no you continued! I remember crying so hard just staring at myself in the mirror not having a clue why you was being so mean. ABUSE! Then you almost let us down with winter wonderland and caused issues there because we had to wait for you! CONTROLLING ABUSE! Remember the other time I said No when you had been cheating again. You thought it was ok to just tell me the other girl was lying, you wasn’t at hers and I should believe you. I’m ALLOWED TO SAY NO!!!

Narcissists feel entitled to peoples trust despite how many things they’ve done to lose that trust. That’s you! Me saying no doesn’t make me a slag, remember that! Me saying no doesn’t mean I had someone else! Me saying no does not give you any right to make me feel the way you have done in the past. Your abusive nature that day was enough to get the police called, that’s how far you pushed me! I’m ALLOWED to say NO! When I give you my body BECAUSE I want no more of your abuse , that is wrong and that is ABUSE!!! You need schooling! You need to understand, it’s my body and by me not wanting to share that with you does not mean I don’t love you enough or I am not good enough or gives you a reason to threaten me with other girls! Doing that is SEXUAL ABUSE.

My phone , is my phone! Scrolling through my phone book. Looking at my social media, smashing it up, hiding it, fighting me for it, forcing me to hide it when you came over ABUSE. How many fucking times did you fight me for my phone?? You fucking absolute weirdo psycho mess… asking me who people are because they are a new contact in my phone book. Didn’t matter that you disappeared for 2 days prior, and I was telling you I didn’t want you, you felt the right to go through my phone. What did you say ‘men can do things women cant’ .. that is wrong and you are an ABUSER!!

Telling me I am only good for one thing and that men will only want me for what is between my legs is ABUSE. Laughing how I’ll end up alone is abuse. Telling me I’ll always have these problems with men unless I sort myself out is abuse. To tell me you love me, you can’t ever lose me, that you’ll never find better than me but then show signs of disrespect and that you hate me is ABUSE! To promise and swear I am your world but be cheating and lying is ABUSE!!

The fact you can go to sleep at night knowing the states you get me in to is ABUSE! Knowing I had no clue where you were and would be going out of my mind especially since we had discussed the way it made me feel many times. How many fucking times did you do that? Disappeared !! Told me ‘on my way baby’ and DID NOT FUCKING COME that is vile ABUSE!! The infidelity was fucking chronic, even when I begged you to leave me alone you would just do what you want with whoever would have you, but never ever let me go. ABUSE.

How many other girls were there?? How many times did you run between me and another, begging my forgiveness but making out I was a psycho to whatever new one you had! Abuse! Something very dark and twisted about a man who wants to live a double life. You went out your way to do it, not giving a shit who you hurt in the process as long as your ego was good. It was only ever about you!!

Not only manipulating my mind but others too, ‘I haven’t touched you in months’ you screamed, humiliating me in front of others ‘you need to move on’ GOSH. Do you hear yourself? … yet less than 24 hours prior you was in my bed!! Promising me your world! You’d then get me on my own again and you say ‘sorry about that, let’s go for a drink.’ What is wrong with you? You are not well! You can’t be! A drink, are you crazy?

I’m expected to accept it, accept it was my fault, I pushed you to it you apparently and you think I should just be ok about it. I had flowers and texts from another man whilst we were fucking separated and I was left with a smashed phone, cut up flowers, bruises and a hole in my wall. Do we see the double standards here?? Good!

You would tell me you would kill any man who would touch me but chose to only be around when it suited you to touch me yourself. You are a pathological liar, so convincing, so definite and if I doubted you, you got angry. When I found you out, you got angry again and called me jealous and a snake. Something so cruel and twisted about a person who can cheat on another person then instead of apologising you’d torture them some more. ABUSE.

The sorrys always came later, the sorrys you felt obliged to be accepted and If I didn’t accept them you abused me some more. You had no regard for me at all, with that first one you had me hanging on a bit of string, promising me you was leaving her, that you loved me. I had your newborn baby for god sake and you treated me like a fucking toy. ABUSE.

You think by me saying ‘I want to meet someone else’ was abuse, but no my friend you can’t call something abusive when it is a product of your actions!! Why would I not want too? You made me feel that way. Truth is I was ashamed, ashamed at how badly you treated me, but not now. You wouldn’t treat an animal the way you treated me.

I want a man who would spend time with me and not deal drugs. I want a man who doesn’t use any excuse to go fall in another girls bed. I want a man who makes me feel good, not worthless not alone and not trapped. A man who would never say ‘I will break your fucking jaw’ just because you got angry about me questioning why you wasn’t sticking to your promises. Yes at times you were amazing, we connected, what do you say ‘best sex of your life’ ‘there’s just no emotion with anyone else’ ‘soul mates’ ‘ying and yang’ but that’s all fucking fake. The nice you is fake. The nice you is only when it suits you and when you want to feel good. The hypocrisy when you called me fake, or told me I sold you a dream. Your double standards are rife ! You gaslight, use projection, hoover and other abusive traits that everyone should educate and read up on. Like I said text book abuse!

God I really could go on! Are you even getting the picture yet!? The last time we spoke I heard all the same lies and promises. You miss me, you are broken, alone and can’t lose me. You even mentioned me having another baby with you! ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY???

I actually thank you.

You told me that your most recent ‘mistake’ has fucked up your life. I’m fucking thankful, without your infidelity the best I would have from you is a faithful abuser and funnily enough I don’t want that either.

I thank you for being that damaging. I am thankful for all that this has taught me, I won’t EVER be disrespected again. I know what is acceptable now! I’m thankful you gave me enough hell in a short space of time, stopping me wasting more years of my life.I also thank you for my daughter, my girls kept me going when you made me feel like I no longer wanted to live. She will learn how powerful and strong her mummy is. Whilst dealing with the stuff you called ‘love’, I kept my fucking shit together and was the best mum I could possibly be.

I am better off with out you. Our 14 month old is too. You can carry on your life knowing you destroyed the only woman who will ever love you the way I did. You ruined your own life, and believe me darling it wasn’t just your ‘mistake’ !! But you’ll carry on blaming anyone you can because that’s exactly what narcissists do!

No longer yours,

The girl who finally had enough!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

This is just a rant ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

At times I can take a step back and analyse the situation. There is no doubt in my mind that my abuser is a extreme narcissist. It is so deep rooted that I don’t even have to feel concerns that to everyone else he is respectful and honest because he isn’t. He has no consideration for anyone else, whether that be a taxi driver, a friend, a family member, his child or his lover. In his world, it’s him who comes first!

Other times all I need to do is one big rant!! This morning was the child protection conference I am only thankful in every sense of the word that I have professionals who believe me. Imagine fighting this where no one believes you, it would drive me to complete destruction. Suicide even! Luckily he isn’t credible, always being arrested, letting people down and even today when he was told to stay in a room he ignored that request and came out. Following simple instructions isn’t ok for him, unless he’s the one in control then he can’t function right. Just him walking out that room and me having to walk past him was enough for me to STILL feel controlled!!

My rant goes like this … it came to light today that he has raised concerns over the fact he believes I neglect my baby! Him and his dysfunctional poor excuse of a woman Mother. As far as I am concerned that is it they won’t ever have any contact. His mother KNOWS what he’s like and the very fact he has now gone against me means she has no place in my baby’s life. She’s disgusting and she should take one hard look at herself, you raised this man. You help mould him, and despite you being well aware of everything he does you have defended him. Scumbag!! Why would I want my daughter ANYWHERE near you, I will protect my girls till the day I die and make sure they are never ever disrespected by a single vile human being in a relationship ever in their life!

It’s laughable that they actually think that would get them anywhere. LAUGHABLE!! I wonder if he will turn up at court on Monday and appeal my non molestation order. I wonder indeed!!!