Category: Recovering from abuse

Posted in baby, Diet, DomesticAbuse, exercise, Heartbreak, Journey, Recovering from abuse, relationship, Singlemum, weightloss

“Lovebombing”

Posted on by KerryLouise

There was a post from a lady on one of the domestic abuse groups I’m in. I could so relate “I’ve told him it’s over, but he’s in prison and he’s ringing me telling me he loves me and he will change.” Been there done that! The way the do it is soooo convincing. Every bloody time I genuinely thought well this time is different because of this this and that. It’s crazy insane when I look back.

Throughout my relationship with my babies father I was so confused as to why he made out so badly that he loved me. Couldn’t let me go. After every vile row, every promise he broke, every time he disappeared and every time he cheated. Even the last time I saw him at court! He acted so sincere, so desperate, so scared, so so in love, he seemed angry with himself and he made me feel incredibly loved. Everyone on the post was saying “he’s love bombing you” and the descriptions of lovebombing repeated throughout.

It’s a manipulation tactic to make you feel charmed, loved and a way to reel you back in. It’s their way to hook you. When they lovebomb it’s virtually impossible to not get sucked back in. It was like a drug. I always described it as an alcoholic having a bottle of vodka screaming saying ‘drink me’, it was like far too easy to get sucked back. My head would be screaming no but my body doing differently.

I genuinely believed him. More recently when he was in my presence I loved him, believed him, (apart from when he was shouting at me) but my head would be screaming ‘no he’s lying’, ‘he’s done this before’ but I was given no choice. All four women I outed him on, even before me finding out and he would swear. He would be so convincing, he would lovebomb me to the point where I would question my own integrity, my own sanity and have no choice but to just ‘go with it’ then as soon as he left again, I hated him. I didn’t believe him. I didn’t trust him AT ALL. This time round he seemed even more bothered that I didn’t believe him, so of course that sent my mind in overdrive some more. When all the time he was lying, lying so well and so coldly. A narcissist never feels guilty about his lies but only turns them back round on you. “Bet you’re happy now you can open your dirty legs to the men in your phone” and “what did you expect” and oh his favourite “all I know is if you hadn’t of wronged me when you was in jail I would have given you my world.”

I went on a long walk today and still so many vivid scenarios in my head. The lovebombing, then the lies being revealed, they go over and over. I get angry, I feel pure anger. It’s awful. I still wonder what he’s thinking and what’s going through his head. I’m sure he doesn’t feel bad for how he’s treated me, or how he’s destroyed every bone in my body, no course not. Asshole.

Anyway aside from my long walk and the bad feelings, I’ve had a good day. I got my nails done, bought some new items and chilled with friends in the evening. My daily glads!

I’m glad my nails look so nice with the heat colour changing nail polish.

I’m glad my Timberlands were £122 from £175

I’m glad I chose my daughter some trainers and they were also reduced when I paid for them

I’m glad my eldest daughter now has a phone after a bad person stole hers

Posted in alone, baby, Challenge, DomesticAbuse, exercise, Fitness, Girltalk, Heart, Heartbreak, Holiday, Journey, Marathon, Recovering from abuse, relationships, Singlemum, Strength, training

Oops I did it again …

Posted on by KerryLouise

…. I signed up to the half marathon in September! This time no one can get in the way of my training. It did actually pop into my head earlier about how unreliable he was.

“Baby I got you, were a team, you are my world. 100% I will be there in the morning so you can go gym. I promise you. On my life. Fully supporting you. Have faith in me man’ , morning came no sign of him. ‘yeh so what, I overslept, I can’t help it when I do the job I do my body just shuts down. I didn’t ask it too. It’s hard work you know.’ Suddenly his promise from the night before does not hold for anything, he turns aggressive and angry that anyone would dare question why he has gone back on his promise. This damages his ego, he is no longer the person he was making out to be the night before! This is a form of abuse, it’s power play, he gets someone fully reliant on him and then has no regard for that person. This complete lack of respect and control made me feel so damaged. He is an asshole. He is an abuser.

Good! Right! Needed to remind myself of them after I had just seen pics of our baby with him on our holiday. Although he was an asshole there too. I’m so tired though so will talk about that tomorrow.

So yes! Half a marathon!! It’s on. I did day 2 of the training programme app and actually hit 16,000 steps on my fit bit for the first time in months!!

I aim for a big walk tomorrow.

Watch this space

Xx

Posted in Diet, DomesticAbuse, exercise, Fitness, Girltalk, Heart, Heartbreak, Journey, life, Lonely, love, Recovering from abuse, relationships, Singlemum, weightloss, Women

What ifs ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

Once again I fell asleep in the evening and have woke up feeling meh. I’ve been awake an hour and I’ve just been feeling really negative. So I need to switch that up! The negatives is of course him, and also the thinking of ‘what ifs’. I would never ever wish my daughter away, I literally cannot even describe my love for the 2 baby girls I have sleeping in the room next to me. BUT when you’ve been all through I have it’s hard to not think about how different things could have been. These two do make it all worth it though.

He was literally so disgusting to me pregnant, so so vile. The asshole took all my beautiful experience away from me because he was wrapped up in his own fuckery. I hate him for that. I doubt I will have anymore children and he ruined it! I never ever ever want to be that vulnerable again, that person again. I look back and see me pregnant, see me holding my new baby and I can feel the pain I was feeling. I can still feel it all. How fucking dare he make me feel like that. When I think like that I wish nothing more than him to just disappear forever. I never want to ever see his disgusting self again. EVER!

However my promise to myself in 2018 was to do my “daily glads” especially if I am feeling low….

I am glad for what he put me through as I won’t ever stand for ANYTHING like it ever again.

I am glad that I have my beautiful charming sweet funny baby girl and her amazing kind big sister

I am glad I got to the gym today and operation “be the best version of me” is on

I am glad I got to speak to M even though his battery died, he listens to all my feelings and in fact encourages me to speak

I am glad for POF 😂 – I met M on there and also a new guy I have been speaking too.

I am glad for my job, which with only 2 days in I have hit half my target for the month.

I am glad for the extension uni gave me for my assignments

I am glad for being me- no really I am!

The new guy I have been talking too is a personal trainer, he told me I am very critical of myself but also understands why that is. However I did tell him that I was the same before I met my ex, he believes he can help change that. He tells me I am stunning, he even watched my Facebook live video (and I looked hideous ha). I am quite interested in where this one is going to go, however I must not read too much into anything. I have learnt you can’t trust anyone however I shouldn’t shut people out or write them off as liars and narcissists just yet. He knows what I have been through so that makes a difference, I think. I hope! I’ve been speaking to a woman who has had a very similar experience as me and she said the new guy she is seeing is very supportive so there is hope.

I took photos today of myself. I want my toned self back 💪🏼

Posted in alone, DomesticAbuse, exercise, Fitness, Recovering from abuse, Singlemum, Strength, Weight, weightloss, Women

Back to reality!

Posted on by KerryLouise

Omg it hurt. It was dark when I woke, and I felt so tired all day. I have won at no caffeine ✅ but my steps are low – less than 5,000 ! Bad! I need to get back to loving the gym. It’s hard when it’s so dark, and so so cold.

I have not eaten any complex carbs either, for the second day but I need to be stricter. I stepped on the scales. 9 bloody pounds! Gross! I have to get focused and look like 2015 me! Although my dude from Saturday night told me he thinks I look better now, more meat apparently. But oh well, I don’t like it. Saying that, and being shocked at 9lbs, I don’t feel that huge and my pics from New Year’s Eve I’ve been told I looked hot soooo it could be worse.

I want my fitness back. Summer 2018 I will feel amazing! 👌🏼

I wanted to talk today about the stigma that is attached to single mums and also when women are judged for using their ‘child as a weapon.’ Someone shared an article today, this individual is a man who is very pro ‘men should see their children,’ his experience has prompted his business to help others. Which is great but sometimes there is a good reason children do not see their fathers and it certainly isn’t because the mother is being an asshole. I saw that exact comment

‘I hate my ex but I’m not an asshole, children are people not possessions to withhold and play with.’ I did write a comment but deleted it, it isn’t worth the confrontation.

I have had a disagreement with this man before over the same thing so he knows my views. I also read how difficult the courts are on men, funny how another group I’m in is highlighting how bad the courts are in supporting men who have been a perpetrator of domestic violence. If only life was so black and white.

I will hold my hands up I encourage my ex to seek legal advice for contact (on recommendations of social services), I would love nothing more than to him to just leave us alone. I have considered a contact centre but with provisions which he can’t stick too.

A father is important yes but an article stating that single parent families children are more likely to end up in prison, pregnant early, low IQ and some other crap is a load of shit. Well with my daughters father in her life she’ll be more damaged than without. He abuses me in front of her, makes promises to her he already can’t keep, carries drugs and weapons, he’s unstable and not well, so tell me what benefit would he be for my beautiful daughter. Also let’s not forget, the chances he’s had to be in her life but chose to cheat, not come home when he said he would and deal drugs. His 2 week paternity leave was a joke! He was barely here and I was recovering from a c-section! What a complete fucking arsehole, I hate him!

It was hard leaving my baby today. She got so used to being with mummy at home she cried hard and put her arms out to come with me. It brought a tear to my eyes. Being a working mum has its challenges. I love and look forward to picking her up each day, and I used to just never understand how her dad could go as long as he did without seeing her even though he COULD! He chose to do those things I mentioned rather than be a family.

He won’t be kicking himself though because narcissists never reflect. They are incapable of looking back over what they have done wrong. They live for the now, and blame everyone else and that’s difficult for someone like me to accept.

All I want is a real sorry, a genuine sorry and him to admit what HE’S done!