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Positive positive ! 

Posted on by KerryLouise


I realised last night how negative my blog always is. It’s true from what my midwife says that people only tend to blog when things are bad.

I promised myself today I would have a better day. I didn’t sleep too well though and I was already stressed out before 11am when my daughter wouldn’t get dressed! I have no energy and I struggle with simple tasks. Dominic tells me I need to take it more easy but I don’t actually even do a lot , just getting ready I struggle. 

I felt better by about 1am and agreed to go into town with my mum sister niece and daughter. I got a new dress to wear for Sunday (my baby shower) nothing fancy but at least I have something. Then I sat in a deckchair at the market square artificial beach with the girls whilst mum and sis went off shopping.


Tonight me and my friend decided to take the next step in trying to get in touch with a life long friend who has cut us off for the past 2/3 months. Basically back in May this particular friend came to mine at 3am and made a statement to the police about her ‘boyfriend’ of two years. The statement was horrific, the violence that girl had endured made me physically sick. I knew the relationship was toxic but ALOT more went on than she ever made out. She was sorry, she was thankful for us being there and she felt ashamed for not getting away sooner. Only days later it came to light she retracted her statement and then decided she didn’t want our friendship anymore. Without explanation she cut us off and got back with him. We’ve been friends since we were 11 years old!! 

Tonight we went to speak to her mum, we are too good of friends to accept that that is it. She’s back with an abusive man and what’s more WHEN it goes wrong again she has no one! Her mum didn’t have a clue, she knew the police were involved but she assumed she has got away. She was very thankful we had told her and she said how she is lucky to have friends like us but is biding her time to talk it all out with her until after her brothers wedding. 

She messaged us both via a group on whatsapp since and has basically told us she is thankful for us being there but she just wants to put everything behind her. We’ve questioned why that means we can’t be friends still and she’s just chosen to ignore us again. It does hurt, I miss her loads but I do go through days where I think ‘selfish stubborn bitch’ to other days where I think ‘she needs us, she’s confused vulnerable and unsure.’ We still can’t give up though, no way. 

My positives for today :

  • Our friend actually communicating. Saying ‘thankyou’ when we said hope she was ok and she did also say ‘hope you’re ok too’. This is progress from having no response from a text and she even hung up on my friend too! 
  • My top picture is a snap of what my nan had made for me. How cute!! So much stuff there that I will need for my baby. I can pack my hospital bags now, seems so real! 
  • I saw on a baby group how women feel upset about their men who are not interested in their bump at all. I don’t have that problem. Dominic talks to her, kisses my bump, loves feeling her move, tries to wake her up and will talk about his love for her. Ok he can be bloody selfish, and can say hurtful things but he is also very very loving. I guess I should give him more praise for that. PLUS he was actually on time today!! SHOCK!! 

Even though everything isn’t resolved with said friend as explained with my positive point 1, I can feel content this evening that we made progress. 

I go to sleep feeling happy … I just hope these restless legs don’t disturb my sleep too much tonight ! 

Posted in pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, Uncategorized

40 days to go! 

Posted on by KerryLouise

Mood: Irritable as hell 

Seriously I’ve been in a foul mood today! Foul! The boyfriend doesn’t help because he rises to it, and makes it worse. Why can’t he just understand that days like today .. ‘I’m allowed to be this way!’ Courtney was a good girl all day, it’s just the evening she becomes a bit much sometimes and I am out of breath with the amount of times I’ve screamed at her to tidy her room! 

The boy did start the painting and I didn’t even have to say anything, only had the paint 3 weeks like. I did moan at him for using my brand new towel to kneel on though and also pointed out the paint on the floor. I wish I could bite my tongue and not interfere but I can’t help it. But with me and him it’s fire with fire , instead of him saying ‘sorry babe here’s your towel’ and ‘the paint won’t stay there I’ll get it up’ it’s ‘I’ll just buy a new towel’ and ‘it’s straight enough’ ‘the floor is dirty anyway’ and ‘I don’t have to do this you know.’ 

Just accept I’m heavily pregnant, accept I’m going to moan and we can all just get on with it. I’m also a woman… It’s inevitable we will get involved! 

I also do not know HOW many times I’ve explained to him what ‘Rennie’ is … Ok I buy morrisons own indigestion tablets (cheaper) so it doesn’t actually say Rennie on the packet but neither do the Co Co Pops in my kitchen. Aldi own brand have some other name for them, but we all still call them Co Co Pops right ?! OK this all sounds so stupid but it’s bloody infuriating when he acts stupid and can’t pass me a pissing indigestion tablet without a row!! Especially since I get through about 6 a day sometimes more !! 

Motivation for anything has been lacked today. I need to get to the post office. Register the business. Start my independent project and complete a training document for a volunteer role. I only left the house to take Courtney to her swimming lesson and that was a mission. The walk used to take me 5 minutes now it’s closer to 15 and it’s hell!! I should get back on my iron tablets. Only myself to blame. 

When Courtney is in bed and the boyfriend is at work I finally feel peace … I enjoy ‘Me’ time.

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6 weeks to go !! 

Posted on by KerryLouise

I keep seeing pictures of newborn babies and I think ‘Awww I want one’, crazy to think I only have 6 more weeks and my own one will be due. Maybe she’ll be here, please don’t let me go over little girl!! 

Had a great day at the Christening, it was lovely to do my hair and make up for an occasion. For someone who was so used to getting dressed up every weekend and who now barely even brushes her hair it was definitely a treat. I had a bit of a meltdown before we left and decided the heels were a no go. I’m tall anyway so when I feel this size I rather not stand out too much. We slept in quite late, 10:45am I woke and thought shiiitttt! These school holidays and no work is making me lazy, but hey ho I must enjoy this whilst it lasts. 

I do not understand for the life of me how I can get ready before the man. He’s so bloody slow, ‘you had a shower before me’ he says … Yes maybe but then I had to dry my hair and put on make up. What does he actually need to do?! I watch him painfully putting on his boxers, I swear that takes nearly 2 minutes. I huff a lot, I’m soooo impatient. Yet we still managed to get there without any real blows. Progress. 

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The joys of pregnancy .. 

Posted on by KerryLouise

I can’t believe I’m 34 weeks tomorrow .. It has gone so quick when I think about it but certainly not too quick.

Third trimester sickness is here , I was actually sick on myself whilst driving on Thursday. Then again when I had to pull over at the side of the road, at the same time being sick I genuinely wondered if my waters went. Other half confirmed it may just have been urine (gross) and I accepted that I’ve just become incontinent at this late stage of pregnancy. How attractive !! I kept an eye on it yesterday and I had noticed it feeling quite wet. Today I mentioned it to a couple of people and they suggested it is best to get checked out. I had an afternoon sleep and then monitored movements when I woke. She wasn’t as active as she has been so this made me more concerned and so I gave triage a call.

We are so lucky with our national health service, not made to feel unwelcome at all. They encourage women to go when they are concerned about anything! Very reassuring. 

Everything was completely fine, looks like little miss has moved and she is even more back to back now so maybe the reason for lack of movements. Waters haven’t gone but just normal pregnancy discharge was the culprit. Oh these joys!

The boy just cooked a prawn stir fry. It was spicy. Usually I can handle spice more than him but my mouth is on fire! It was nice though, baby is moving crazy now. Typical.

We have a christening tomorrow, I have a maternity dress to wear and I’m actually going to do my hair and make up. A complete rarity these days. I’m actually excited ! Xx

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The unreasonable man..

Posted on by KerryLouise

After studying law and hearing the reference to the reasonable man on many many occasions I am left wondering if this man really exists. My man is not reasonable, he is even that unreasonable he does not even know himself what he expects of me to acommodate his unreasonableness.

Let me explain…. so he’s been on nights this past week and it does work quite well. I’m not wondering where he is every evening, wondering what time he’s going to come in and wake me up, constantly being let down on a time, whilst I wait to go to bed. It will work well too when the baby is here, it always did when I had my first with my ex anyway.

Yesterday all hell break lose because at approximately 5pm I shouted something in the bedroom, baring in mind he was moaning about the workmen outside anyway so had already been disturbed. I immediately apoligised and left him alone. I then had to endure about 15 minutes of his poor attitude. Muttering how I was weird, how I was selfish… oh and not to mention how he should just go to his nans because at least he’d be able to sleep there. He’s kissing his teeth, saying I’m so strange, theres nothing to eat and just all sorts of stuff I just feel so unapprecaited and like a worthless piece of shit at this point. I’ve got better at not reacting but I do find I have to let my emotions out somehow so I cry. I then hear how ‘here we go again’, ‘always fucking crying’, ‘stessing out my daughter’, ‘crocodile tears’… eventually I do snap… breaking point. I attack. I get violent, it’s wrong and I know this but he pushes me sooooo far I just cannot cope with his words anymore. His silence would be ok, but he just continues… keeps pushing me and pushing me with his vile words and I just sit there and expected to take it all?

So of course after I’ve hit him, then I’m the bad one, I have a problem, I bring this all on my self. I’m vile and posion. How he can’t wait to watch me fail on my own as a single mum, and some other stuff that I just HAVE to try block out. He does slap me back, and he does get on top of me and holds me tight so I can’t hit out anymore. The same time his face so close to mine whilst he continues to scream heart breaking things in my face.

He won’t let me leave, he snatches my phone to call his mum and my God the lies and his ‘side of the story’ is far different to the events that had just occured. Apparently all he said was ‘babe that was a bit selfish’ and I flipped, then apparently after I flipped he held my hand and told me to calm down. HA fucking HA!! Its worrying because he genuinely believes his own lies and his version of events. Drives me even more insane. Telling his mum how I beg him to come here, how I’m moaning I am lonely without him. Must be someone else because that certainly is not me.

After he didn’t accept my apoligy he told me it was because I didnt mean it. I also made a point that he hadn’t sleep that late all week, he told me thats irrelevant and I shouldn’t be justifying that for shouting. I also reminded him how many times he has in the past 7 months, woke me up, allowed me not to sleep due to me not knowing where he is, and came in at 2/3/4/5 even 6 o clock in the morning. ‘That’s been the weekend’ he screams, I work fucking weekends so that makes no odds to me and equally it hasn’t only been the weekend. One wednesday night which is still very memorable  and I had an exam the next day!!!! His selfishness is so unreal, all because I shouted a few lines at 5pm on Tuesday evening.

Before he went to work he tried to kiss me and then questioned whilst I was being distant. If that isn’t bipolar I don’t know what is. I then send him a text telling him to go to his nan’s after work in the mornin. How I wasn’t anyones pity girlfriend,I also explained about the numerous times he hasn’t thought of me when rocking up at what ever time o’clock in the morning.

What a surprise, he didn’t listen. He was here at 6:40am kissing my face, touching my bump, telling me he loves me and to sleep some more. I slept in this morning, 10:20 I woke and quietly informed him I was off out at about 11:30. Told him to sleep well.

THEN…. I get ‘oh great you’re out again’, ‘I never see you’, ‘I work all week and you just go out all the time.’ This isn’t the first time he’s said stuff like this… He’s once moaned because I worked saturdays and realistically that’s the best day he can spend with me. He brings up on numerous occasisons how he’s tried to make plans with me but I’m ‘too tired.’ In my defence he’s asked about 4 times and I was tired as I have worked all day and I am fucking pregant. He does not let me live that down though, so it’s my own fault why we never do anything together. Does he think of me when he’s in the nightclub all night?!? Does he fuck! So I am not about to feel bad when I am doing things in the school holidays with my daughter when he’s meant to be sleeping anyway!!!

The joke is he even then tells me he’ll be up the same time as yesterday, oh God! So I tell him I’ll be back then so we can spend some time together before he goes to work. Surely someone working nights that is normal. I think he expects me to just sit in the flat all day until he wakes. Make him food for when he wakes, shower him and wash all his clothes too. For him to then just go out anyway!!

I was later coming back from my mums then I thought I would be but he wasn’t in. He then tells me on the phone he’ll be back at 9pm (he’s picked up for work at 9:30) so I am left wondering what his little hissy fit was about earlier. He’s either proving a stupid point or he honestly just moans at me for the sake of moaning.

From where I see it, he wants everything on his terms. He wants a wifey, a woman with no life, one that’s always around. Where he’s the priority and he wants me around when he’s free but when smoking and drinking and everything else is an option thats when he isn’t interested. I must try not to react. I’ve told him enough times I don’t want a life like this. He has insecurities about me leaving him in the future but he certainly isn’t going the right way around for that to not happen. Times like this I actually daydream about a man who appreciates me, a man who does little gestures to show me he cares, going back to dating and getting those butterflies. Not this constant anxious feeling of hate and resent because I’m treated like a burden on someones life. He’s missed his lift for work like 4 times out of 7, I’m then the mug he relies on to take him. I’ve also taken him money on two occasions because he’s forgotten it. He wants a mother as well as a wife, that just is not me!

Fuckin hell its 9pm and he’s here ……

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Fat Friday

Posted on by KerryLouise

Diet: Bad   Relationship: Good   Mood: OK

Another hot stuffy day, I was promised rain and it did not deliver. Looking at the forecast there is no rain for the forseeable future either. I want rain, I need it to be cooler. I’m still super lucky that I havent had any swelling. My feet still look normal sized, amazing since I’m now nearly 33 weeks pregnant and I had bad feet from around 25 weeks last time.

I do feel fed up every now and again. When I’m thinking about how long left and how much bigger I will get. I just avoid mirrors and that helps the situation. I saw an old work friend today and she was shocked at how little time I had left so I took that as a positive.

My sister and I took our little girls to an American diner today where one of my other sisters works. I did eat alot, starters which included mozzerella sticks, breaded chilli peoppers and breaded mushrooms. My main was a chicken, chips and coleslaw, then of course a hot chocolate fudge cake with cream for dessert. I couldn’t move for a while after and I swear I grew in size. In my defence other than that all I had was a bowel of frosted shreddies, good job really as even now 7 hours laer I still couldnt eat again.

I had sex this morning when Dominic got in from work. We’ve gone from every day to like maybe once a week if he’s lucky. My sex drive was insane at the beginning, now I actually have no desire. I do look at it him and think corrr but I just enjoy admiring him from a distance, my growing bump and inability to move quickly just makes sex feel like a chore rather than an enjoyable past time. When we hit 37 weeks though, I’ll do it ALL the time!! I’ll want this baby out!! We actually had no arguments today, he did get funny about me going out to eat earlier, tried to make me feel guilty but he doesn’t think of me when he’s spent all night in a night club so I wasn’t going to buy into his sob story. He soon got over it, he needs his sleep anyway working nights.

The flat across the road is becoming a real problem. This week alone I’ve told them at 11pm to keep music down. Then Dominic has told them twice, once last night at 9:30pm just before I took him to work and once this evening at 7:30pm. I just heard music again at nearly midnight. Tried to get their attention but failed, luckily it has stopped now. I MUST call enviromental health on Monday, I actually wonder how they even ever got planning permission for these flats. When we bought this flat over 9 years ago I was told the building opposite was listed and flats would never be built because they were too close…surely I can sue someone somewhere! Getting pissed off now, wouldn’t be so bad if the flats were like ours but they are clearly all housing association. Just last night there were 4 police cars in the street, an ambulance and a stupid woman crying drama, then the issue the other week with all the kids in the street. Hmmmm. I shall do my research.

 

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No breasts … No opinion! 

Posted on by KerryLouise

The topic on breastfeeding can always be a heated one. I remember it previously when I was a member of a forum, it would go out of control. Bottle feeding mums would feel shamed whilst breast feeding mums may have put themselves on a pedestal. It does seem now that society are adapting more so to the ‘a fed baby is a happy baby,’ rather than ‘breast is best’ comments. 

However when your own boyfriend has strong feelings around the subject that can prove difficult ! I’m so tired right now to even go into any coherent explanation but let’s just say he’s assuming breastfeeding is easy and me saying I don’t imagine myself going longer than 6 months is me only caring about me. Grrr! Maybe grow your own breasts with milk and see how you get on mate !! I remember with my daughter how hard it was, she didn’t latch on very well and it does make you concerned. I’m going into this with my mind open. If it doesn’t work out, I won’t feel ashamed and all I ask is my boyfriend supports me with that too. I have a breast pump and some bottles to express. I have no intention to buy formula in ready but all I can do is my best! Maybe me saying that I won’t be doing it after 6 months does make me sound selfish and maybe even a little hypercritical since I don’t know how it’s going to go or feel if I am breastfeeding exclusively. Oh well I can’t change my thoughts , I just hope he doesn’t judge if it doesn’t go to plan as that will be very upsetting !!

I flipped out again too, earlier tho and that again was due to his unnecessary comments regarding the decorating. I need to calm down but he needs to reign in his comments ! Men!! They don’t think before they speak I swear. 
Breakfast – frosted shreddies

Lunch – cheese and ham toastie

Dinner – jacket potato cheese & beans

Snacks – popcorn and sweets & cinema. Strawberries 

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Current Mood: Meh 

Posted on by KerryLouise

I went to my consultant appointment this morning in high spirits. Dominic being back at work really does reduce some stress for me and he is being lovely at the minute. I was asked about my mood and I said that I was completely fine. I do have a phone consultation tomorrow afternoon for counselling and I need to be as honest as possible. The 3rd year medical student commented that I am clearly in tune with my mood and that is a good thing. Today I’ve felt fed up and miserable …. I’m in tune with my mood yes but I can’t even explain why I felt like this. Hot, fat and bothered I think. 

Baby is doing well, she’s measuring bigger again still but nothing to be concerned about. The scan today said an EDC of 31/08/2016 … My actual date is 11/09/16 and even that was brought forward at original dating scan! I’m hoping it’s a sign she will come early and not hang about in there. She’s head down too which is good but potentially another back to back labour like my eldest. Ouch!

Luckily I haven’t had any of the ‘enjoy it whilst you can‘ or ‘get your sleep in now‘ comments. I’m guessing it’s only first time mums that people try and use those lines with. Sorry guys but I don’t sleep now (too fucking hot, always need a wee or wake with cramp) and what the hell is there to enjoy? I do also have a 7 year old that requires my attention. In fact feeling this swollen, and out of breath I worry I will actually do less with her over these summer holidays. I have no plans for day trips, nothing that involves walking too much that’s for sure and we may stay in ALOT. Today was last day of year 3, can’t believe how we are here already. I am also very thankful for getting lay ins in the morning now and no more school waddles ! 

I made a promise yesterday I would be more careful with what I’m eating. I drank about 4 pints of water today, I need to keep that up. My bread intake was high though and that is something I will definitely stop when baby is here. 

Breakfast – (which was at 4am) 1 slice of toast 

Lunch– Pate on some French stick (yes I know .. PATE! Naughty me) 

Dinner– bbq food with salad & rice with 2 burgers in rolls .. Yes TWO! 

Supper – 3 crackers & cheese with Branston pickle 

Snacks – nectarine, cherries and 2 lemonade ice lollies 

Head hurts now and struggling to keep eyes open. I will wake with a positive mental attitude … I will! 

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‘I love a good heatwave’ .. Said no pregnant woman ever! 

Posted on by KerryLouise

OMG !! I cannot cope. Walking from the car to the school is like a military operation and the chafing on my inner thighs is actually a real problem.

I miss my toned long legs .. They have been replaced by thighs that have dimples and knees that look like elephant knees!! I think it reached 33 degrees today, stupidily uncomfortable for someone who is 32 weeks pregnant. I used baby powder to ease the chafing, it helped slightly. My underwear is uncomfortable too! I do feel I need to have some damage control now! 7 weeks left and I cannot get any bigger ! Bump is ok yes .. But legs and arms .. No! It’s uncomfortable and unattractive! I have been a bit reckless recently .. Like 3 cookies today ! WHOOPS! 

I sat in my underwear with the fan on me whilst looking at how gorgeous my man is and thought ‘how the fuck does he still fancy me’ .. He doesn’t go a day without calling me beautiful .. I wish I felt it! As beautiful as a rhino!! 

Tomorrow is healthy eating/limit on junk mission. I have another scan tomorrow too, can’t wait to see how big she is now. 

I’ve not wrote as much this week. I got my uni results last Friday and they were worse than expected .. I knew I still had to do ‘well’ in my final project to receive that commendation I had been working towards. However after the results I worked out I basically have to do ‘super well’ now. Pissed off with myself for letting things get in the way this year , pissed off I had ‘just want to pass’ attitude and pissed off that Dominic doesn’t take any responsibility. Hey ho such is life and he did say he is proud of me no matter what. Like many have also said how most would have probably dropped uni with everything I dealt with too so should be proud.

I had some good news though and my tutor worked out I need to get 69% rather than the 73% I initially thought. I can do that! I need to do that! Or else I will forever let it get to me that I didn’t receive that commendation. 

Well .. Think I may have a snack before tomorrow is here. I will blog my food diary and it won’t include 3 Cadbury flakes in a row .. No.. No it won’t! (That was last Friday) 

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DFS made me happy…

Posted on by KerryLouise

It is crazy the difference 24 hours can make. The day started off badly, a normal pre school run row with the boyfriend over his selfishness and his ability to wind up my 7 year old daughter. I swear I often feel like there are 2 children already under this roof. He fails to see how his moaning and huffing and puffing is acceptable in the mornings just because he will struggle to get back to sleep. It’s not like it’s 6am and he is working afternoons or something. He’s just being lazy and selfish! I do remind him of the times I’ve had no sleep, or the times I would take him to work and be awake a lot earlier than usual and even the most recent time of venturing out to Milton Keynes in the middle of the night!

Anyway luckily I had midwife and health visitor this morning so it gave him some time to reflect after he admitted he has been a bit lazy these past 2 weeks. I really really like my health visitor, my midwife is ok but I’m happy that it will be my health visitor who keeps in touch after the pregnancy. The conversation flowed a lot better and she had a genuine interest in my life. I felt positive coming out of that appointment. She made me feel good. I’m pretty amazing you know what with my studies and my business I am trying to build, well she praised me anyway haha.

I then met my sister and step sister after, it felt good to rant about men. Luckily my sister is feeling much better today, her and my brother in law had a good talk and as expected I knew it was deeper than him just needing a quick tug on his man region every now and again. She still says they are a long way off building anything back up but she is feeling better within herself which is the main thing. She should no way be feeling like she isn’t good enough here.

We then managed to tick one important thing off our list of ‘things to do’, we ordered a new sofa. Obviously we had initial arguments in DFS but luckily Dominic did back down and said he wants to make me happy. GOOD!! Because a corner sofa would just look stupid in our living room… STUPID!! I didn’t plan on us getting a recliner so we did compromise on that and these new power recliners are fabulous and so answers Dominic’s argument that they just end up breaking. They last a lot longer. It is nerve racking making such a big purchase with such a big commitment. Total cost is around £2,000 and we will pay it off over 4 years but I’ve looked for a second hand one and when I was so specific on what we needed (a 3 and a 1) it is so hard to find just that. Everyone sells corner sofas or 3 seaters on their own. Plus, we have the guarantees, we’ve sat on it (I’m totally in love) and it’s something we have both chose together. A decent sofa is important in making my flat as homely as possible since it hasn’t been for so long. Funny how such an adult purchase has made me feel so happy..

Then this evening I also had a conditional offer for the masters I applied for. The disappointment after yesterdays grades totally do not matter now, this was my aim anyway and I only need a pass. Oh and I need to pay off the £880 I owe. I need to pay the half I have really, otherwise I can see that disappearing !! It will be fine.

Pregnancy going ok, apart from this bloody restless leg syndrome thingy a bob. It’s just unbearable!! Maybe paracetamol will help tonight!