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Fitting right ? Well I think so! I was killing some time in Waterstones in the Self Help section and this book screamed out to me. I don’t need to buy it, the title says enough, and this photo has found it self permanently stuck to my phone. It helps. It makes me smile, it reminds me of my focus and my aim and that’s a positive.

Today is Sunday, 40 weeks exactly until I take part in the half marathon and the day I had planned to start my healthier lifestyle and get back in to training. As I mentioned Christmas has a lot to answer for right now, I maintained my weight last year without too much effort and focus. I trained regularly because it fitted my life style but with a busy December, lots of food and Dominic coming home it has slacked and I am now more motivated than ever to be in my best shape ever. 30 and fabulous darlin’ …

As anyone will tell you when you plan a ‘diet’ or ‘lifestyle change’, for some silly reason we tell ourselves we need to eat everything in sight plus more the night before. Which is stupid. Most women will start a new diet every month, and these ‘final binge days’ do absolutely nothing but just make you gain unnecessary weight. I have to be honest, I haven’t done it in a while. Losing the weight I have lost, I learnt a lot and I’m a strong believer that weight control is ALL about mindset. Even now I am not promising I won’t ever have a burger again, or I won’t eat Chocolate until Christmas, that isn’t healthy nor is it feasible. All in moderation. Moderation is key! Recently there has been no moderation, and this has been my problem.

My final binge night didn’t go as planned, I had visions of Chinese food. Spring rolls, prawn crackers, chicken balls .. The works! My binge partner in crime was late home, Chinese had closed and he thinks he did the right thing by bringing me left over Carribean food his nan had cooked! Curried goat is NOT chicken balls!!! He learnt the hard way… 😉

Today I have felt tired, but I refrained from using caffeine and sugar to keep me going. I will sleep well tonight, if restless legs allow and be ready for the first run in the morning..

Litres of water- 1     Caffeine – 0     Gluten – none      5 a day – 5

The ‘affair’ officially ended over 2 weeks ago. I had seen him again, it went back to ‘normal’ for about 3 days. I realised quite quickly I didn’t feel the same, too much had happened and he just bored me. Even the sex bored me. It still hurts that he never responded to my message that outed him regarding the birth of his child. I had worked it all out, it all made sense. His son was born during the time we had been seeing each other. Like why not just be honest with me, like I had been the whole time. It still hurts and I do miss him, well no I miss what we had. If my man was home it would be him I wanted. No one else would get a look in, it felt so natural with him though. It’s upsetting to think it’s done, but it’s for the best.

The drug dealer guy got blocked tonight, he made some unnecessary comments regarding childcare for children pre-school and instead of apologising for offending me he acted like a complete child. Again, it’s better I don’t have him in my life. I never got that feeling about him, the one I got with the other one, the ‘what if’ feeling. I didn’t fancy him like I do my man, or even the affair guy for that fact. He was just handy for company. Could easily chill with him, and I definitely wouldn’t want to have sex with him. No one can please me like my man can…. I also worked out that I’ve been blocked, no idea why!!! It’s shit like this makes me realise I am better off where I am! I just want him home.

The ‘affair’ has come to an end. I knew it had too, I knew I wanted it too but doesn’t mean it makes it any easier. My mind is still doing over time but my ultimate feeling is that it is for the best. It needed to end anyway, he would never compare to my man.  In the past 2 weeks  he needs to see my beautiful face and I’m still his ‘dirty bitch’.  He was the guy who would call me in the morning, call me to make sure I got home ok, call me whilst he was at work and call me for hours in the evening. I remember even wondering whether he was a bit of a loner as he was always in. It was this company I needed, this company that made me weak when all I really wanted was my actual man home. Last Friday he rings me and was shocked to hear I was at the cinema alone, I should of gone to him apparently. Saturday he did text me but then was so long about it I didn’t reply to his last message in the evening. On Sunday I tried to call him and then again Monday morning. No response. I then sent a long arse crazy message. I had had enough just because I didn’t want to see him again in that way didn’t mean we couldnt be friends. He finally gets back to me on Tuesday evening, I ignored his first call of course and then I let him have his say. He was totally oblivious to even my message, it’s just so bizarre!! He understood what I saying though, brought up something I had said when drunk and told me he didn’t want me to get out his life! He then did the usual ‘I’ll call you back’ …

Anyway when I think positively about it I know it’s my actual boyfriend I want. I saw him Thursday and nobody ties my tummy in knots like he does. I can just stare into his eyes and feel a sense of warmth, security and passion. He has no ex’s or kids to come between us. No distance. His criminal activity will have stopped and it can just be me and him forever. I can scream and shout and wish I had never met this one, but it’s told me a lot. I can never say ‘what if’ .. I’ve attempted to try someone new.. And I still just want him. He was always second best, someone to pass my time. I honestly didn’t want it to end like this, we could have been friends, but maybe the idea I was never going to stay forever just got to him too much.

I’ll await his text, because there will be one, but in the meantime I need to let it go. He’s not important!

Two months have passed since my last post, I was even hiding this bad thing then but I couldn’t come to terms with what I was doing just then. I was hiding it from everyone even my closest friend but it felt right and felt ok. If I didn’t admit to it that is. He’s been on the scene since the middle of May.

I tell myself that it’s ok, I’m still there mentally for my incarcerated loved one and it is him who I love but I need physical love and attention. I did so well without but I caved. Would he of been so loyal? No. Were we in a strong relationship? No. In fact he’s been locked up longer than the time we’ve actually spent together. That’s just madness. I do love him, very much, but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life resenting him for this time. If he comes home and it doesn’t work then so be it but it’s my life and it’s there to be enjoyed. Sex is to be enjoyed. I need sex. I love sex. And with my current track record it seems I’m pretty good at it.

However it’s nights like tonight I do just want my boo home. I know where I stand. We are friends. The sex is on point and the connection we have is electric. There’s no games, we understand one another. The guy I have been seeing was really full on at the beginning, we were seeing each other quite a bit as he lives near where I go to uni (a good 60 miles away from me) and the feelings were growing. I knew I would leave as soon as release day came. Then we have the guy who broke my heart years ago! Yup he’s piped up again, I proudly tell him I have a boyfriend and he responds saying ‘good you deserve to be happy’. I was also in a very uncomfortable position with my boyfriends cousin, yes the one I hated somehow ended up in my bed and he was trying it on with me!! So vile.. I was screaming at him to stop and was showing him pictures of me and my man. Telling him if he did it it was rape. He stopped! Now he’s just messaged me asking what I’m up too! He knows it’s NEVER gonna happen right ?!?

So much has happened in the past 2 weeks and I don’t even know what to think anymore. I don’t have time to go through it now but right now I feel more anxious, more hurt, more confused than I ever have prior to a visit. My god I am glad I am going, we really do not to talk but I have no idea which way it will go. I know how I want it to go but is that even for the best ?! 

It’s going to be a long morning …