Tag: life

Posted in life, pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, singlemum

Who knew … cabbage leaves !?

Posted on by KerryLouise

How is my baby 6 days old already ? These days are so precious and yet are going so fast. I’ve even looked at my beautiful baby and felt bad for moaning about being pregnant so much. I grew her , I kept her safe and look at how much joy she now brings.


I know I’m bias but she’s beautiful, I feel so blessed and daddy is absolutely still besotted by her. Yesterday at my mums comments were made on how you don’t know she’s here and my sister even said ‘when will she cry?’ She often fidgets like she’s about to but it never develops only when she’s hungry. It helps that she gets lots of cuddles too. 

My niece who is 4 held her for the majority of the day. She didn’t want to give her up , it was so lovely to see. So she has a big cousin AND a big sister … 


I got a bit emotional last night, my first daughter hasn’t spent the night here since I was admitted into hospital. As me and my mum dropped her back at her dads last night I did realise how much I’m missing her. All my attention has been on Ariana and I feel bad, but then I realise how much love I have for both of them and I well up. I have been so lucky that my daughters dad is a really good father he’s been very supportive in a time where many men may not have been. He’s been taking her to school, picking her up and his sister too has been great. All this support, I am so lucky! I really wonder how new mums do it who are not so lucky. I also couldn’t imagine having children close together, hats off to those mamas! My friend is off work tomorrow so she is happy to take me to do the school run. I am so excited to have her tomorrow night. My two babies ❤️

So the cabbage leaves!! Day 6 and I’m still exclusively breastfeeding, there’s still been tears and cries. Pain that makes you hold your breath. During the night last night I had thought again about just getting a bottle (luckily I do not have this option to tempt me in the middle of the night ) as even Dominic said should we just go to bottles. I know it’s not what I want but when she’s fighting the latch and then latching on and I feel the excruciating pain, whilst super tired! I feel it’s the way forward.

She latched really well this morning, but my left breast has been out of order for most of the day. As I was feeding, the health visitor called me and reiterated what others have said about cabbage leaves. I have instantly felt like it has made a difference, they are not as engorged and I don’t feel like I need to hold them for some relief. The health visitor recommended (although admitted that she shouldn’t be) nipple shields. I’ve used them today too and that has also provided some comfort . I haven’t always kept them on for the entire feed but it certainly helps with getting my nipple into the right shape with less uncomfortableness. Here’s hoping we are seeing the finish line in this pain!!


When she’s on me it really is the best feeling and my focus is that end goal! 

10:15pm and I’m dropping asleep already! The half a packet of biscuits haven’t helped and that’s very naughty of me! I weighed myself yesterday .. 4 stone up even still! 

Oh well! I’ll lose it 💪🏼

 

Posted in Birth story, life, pregnancy, pregnant, Women

My beauty born 16/09/16 ❤️ Birth story 👶🏽🍼 8:12am 8lb 3oz 

Posted on by KerryLouise

My baby is now over 72 hours old and I’m actually besotted by her. I finally have the energy to update my blog and tell my story. Although I’m feeling pretty emotional this morning.

Ok so that all important birth story! I had a pessary put in for 24 hours which came out at 6:10pm on Thursday 15th September. I thought that was uncomfortable being inserted, that was nothing compared to what was to come.

By 8pm I was contracting ever 7 minutes which was something!! Completely manageable mild ones just like period pains. I was pleased my body had done something after the pessary and I was quite comfortable sat in the TV room with Dom rather than being on the hot ward. He bought me chicken nuggets as I hadn’t eaten but knew I should try something!


At 10pm labour ward was ready for me and my midwife Sam was absolutely amazing. I was so pleased she was by my side the whole time talking me through it all.


The next step was to have my waters broken. OMG that was soooo uncomfortable .. I do not remember it being like that with Courtney. My midwife explained she couldn’t get to them because cervix was still so high. I had my legs in stirrups and bum in the air and I was squeezing Doms hand sooo much . Not pleasant!!

My waters eventually went during contractions and I was given a 2 hour time frame to be put on drip if contractions were not at least a frequency of 3 in 10 mins. So at 02:30am I went on the drip and it was by then I had to start on the gas and air. I knew sat down I would need pain relief. I had managed previously by standing, deep breathing and Dom Rubbing my back etc. I wanted to hold off on the gas and air for as long as poss. Knowing I didn’t want an epidural I was pacing myself so it would remain effective. I will still only 2cm!
Anyway the contractions were painful yes but I was doing so well with the gas and just breathing!! They got to a point where I was making noise during each one too tho. I still could picture Dominic dosing off at times and in between contractions I screamed ‘get that boy a coffee’. He told me I seemed OK making elephant noises with the gas and air in my hand 😂. I could still see in his face how he was happy it was me not him going through this lol.

Contractions started to come thick and fast .. Every half hour the drug was increased for the contractions and boy did I know it. I remember Dom, my mum and midwife stood up round my bed. I was completely out of it and then all of a sudden they got Dom to hit panic button and I just remember being wheeled into theatre so quick !  Like a million people! I later learned that this was at about 6am. The head rest on the bed came down, my gas and air was taken off me, I just saw the lights on the ceiling and people dressed in blue whilst I was rapidly being pushed into a big open scary room. It makes me emotional thinking about it. I was so so scared. My mum was crying, I was balling. Dom looked like he had seen a ghost and I was so scared and disappointed I was about to have a c-section. I was just begging them to help me! They got Dom gowned up and they were struggling to get spinal in me for the anaesthetic. He had to wait outside for this bit but I kept asking where he was. Twice I had people tell me how he was outside and has told them to tell me that I can do it and to stay brave. That made me cry.

The spinal wasn’t going in. Contractions with no gas and air were complete hell. In that time her heart rate had increased and so I was given the option to go back to the room and attempt a natural delivery again. I said yes please. It was like music to my ears! I felt like someone was by my side and I knew  I could do it. I was then confronted with another question ‘did I want an epidural’ .. As I was already in theatre. I was wondering that if I had one maybe I could cope with the pain more and my baby wouldn’t suffer. I was saying yes then saying no, Dominic told me that someone said to him he may need to make the decision for me to which he replied saying ‘she’s always said no.’ My amazing midwife came to the rescue I heard her say how she feels I am being pressurised into something I have said I absolutely didn’t want to do and that we would all make the decision when we got back to the room. What a star.

We got back to the room and finally I could see my mum and Dom again. My mum had been crying and Dom just kept saying how proud he was of me.

I had been taken of the serotonin drip and so they wanted to see if I still needed it, half hour went by … And I did. The contractions then got soooo ridiculous, this is when I first started feeling them in my back. It was becoming increasingly more difficult to remain calm but I was trying. Trying so hard! Being told I was no longer allowed pethedin because of babies heartbeat only made me worse and my body just over took. On every contraction I wanted to push, internals showed that still not ALL my waters had gone and I was only 8cm so totally not ready to be pushing! The pain in my back was out of this world and pushing seemed the only thing I could do. It’s like an uncontrollable urge , unexplainable. Everyone was saying Kerry you can’t push she’s getting distressed but omg I literally couldn’t help it’ soooo fucking crazy. I told everyone they didn’t understand and they should stop talking to me because I was getting angry. 🙈My midwife just said ‘OK darlin’. I did feel bad.

It wasn’t long before the doctors were back in the room and I knew it wasn’t going to end well. I pleaded with them that I just couldn’t do it anymore !! Begging them to help me. Omg the pain. I tried all fours where I did lose more waters but I still wanted to push. I could not stop it just could not!! So once again I was rushed into theatre and even then the trauma didn’t end. Once again they just couldn’t get the spinal in me. It was the longest 20 Mins (if even that long) of my life as was still contracting (and body was pushing like I needed a poo) and I couldn’t cope. My midwife had changed but I could see in her eyes she was just as caring and I even sensed she wanted to cry with me! Holding my hands through contractions listening to my pleas. I no longer cared how the baby was coming out of me I needed that pain to stop! All these people in blue scrubs around me telling me I needed to stay dead still , and Dom,  Who wasn’t allowed in the room again at this point could hear me just screaming’ ‘just put me to sleep I can’t do this anymore’ .. Eventually spinal went in and instantly I felt nothing then the gutted feeling took over me again …  I didn’t do it naturally. 😢

It turns out she got stuck too so was our only option. My mum said she was so emotional and she felt like she couldn’t cope and Dom said he’d never been so scared in all his life. If pregnancy hasn’t put me off for another one then labour defo has.

When she was cut out of me I could hear her little cries. Dominic then was just crying uncontrollably , I was still in shock, panic and feeling too overwhelmed over the whole ordeal. I was shaking like mad too which apparently is normal. We felt like she wasn’t being brought over to us in quick enough time either and I couldn’t believe it would take 30 minutes to be stitched back up. Still laying there so gutted! I even made that 2nd attempt and failed .. Felt so sorry for myself .


Delivering vaginally is 100% a nicer experience , I still remember pushing Courtney out and seeing her before I heard her. Instant skin on skin contact, the pain gone and love just feels your body instantly. My experience this time was I felt almost a little detached from my baby. Gutted Dom didn’t get to cut the court but I didn’t even get to hold her until I was stitched up. I could see Dom though, he felt that love. Enough love for both of us. He showed me her face and I felt unsure  ‘was she my baby’ .. It didn’t feel real.

When I was wheeled on to the ward it was then I felt that love. Still disappointed yes but I was coming to terms with it. She was absolutely beautiful after all and I had made her. My special little princess. ❤️👶🏽

Posted in life, pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, Women

40+4 and still waiting … 

Posted on by KerryLouise


I was hoping the pessary would have got me going , no such luck. It’s been in 22 hours now, 2 more hours and it’ll be labour ward time for a drip and to have my waters broken!  Well at least when they are free for me!! I’ve had a few tightenings but nothing to get excited about and all I can think about is how bloody hot it is! Literally sweating, how am I meant to give birth in this heat ?? 

My mum is bringing my eldest daughter to come see me, can’t wait to give her a hug. Can’t lie I feel scared about going through labour again, especially knowing once again my baby is back to back and I’m being induced. Last time without an epidural and apparently that makes me a tough cookie! I want to go without again!! 

It’s bloody boring laying here. No energy to do anything else tho. 

I just want my baby in my arms! 

Posted in pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, Singlemum, Uncategorized

ONE WEEK TO GO!!!

Posted on by KerryLouise

I go from wanting her here like ASAP to being ok about there still being time left. I am getting the odd tightenings but nothing major still.

I went for breakfast this morning with two other pregnant women, we spoke about men and their dealings with pregnant women. On a whole yes they are rubbish, they don’t get it.. they continue their care free life of going out and getting drunk whilst us women have to be a mother as soon as we get that positive pregnancy test. It is hard work. I found my self almost blaming myself for not handling this right. Justifying all his actions, my screaming and shouting maybe made him behave the way he has. I found an old diary I had my made when I was pregnant with my first and it was pretty similar. I don’t do pregnant well and unless I want who doesn’t have a life then this is never going to work. There is a happy medium though right?

After last night I thought we had it sorted. We don’t. We really don’t. As he held me in his arms and asked if he could stay over the following night, telling me I have nothing to worry about, how he’s handled all this wrong and I’m going to see such a difference when the baby is here. He also told me he’ll cook for me and spend the afternoon together the following day. I told him ‘we’ll see’ to the staying over but agreed to being cooked for.

I knew his timing of midday was never going to materialise. I also assumed he was never going to cook for me. I called him at half 1 and was cool and cheery. Explained I would cook and asked if it was ok if he bought some grated cheese with him. He replied saying ‘probably not, I’ll just forget’ … I just laughed and said oh ok I’ll get it. At 10 to 6 I called to find out when he was coming and he answered saying babe let me call you back, again I bit my tongue and accepted it. 6:30 I called back as still no return call. He explained he would be with me at 8:30… again I was pleasant and didn’t react. Often I’ve reacted in the past and it does nothing other than get me so wound up I could burst. Well it’s now midnight and not so much of a text. When will I fucking learn??? I don’t even get angry anymore… I just feel hurt. Hurt and ashamed. So thankful this nightmare is almost over, I honestly don’t think he realises what he has done. He talks about all this love he has for me, but lets face it what bullshit. Complete and utter bullshit. You don’t treat someone you love like this. The only person he loves is himself.

This kind of thing has happened on a weekly basis. One would just assume he was cheating on me, he is so convincing when I ask him. I have no reason to doubt him since I know his lifestyle.

Please give me that strength to not say things like ‘I miss you’… because what the hell do I miss? …. I should not say ‘I love you too’…. he is not worthy of my love. He doesn’t deserve this child I am carrying and when he finally wakes up and realises this I hope his heart breaks just as much as mine has. He says I did that when he was inside, BUT this kind of behaviour went on long before he even went to prison. He’s been like this since day 1. Why the fuck did I ever stand by him??

You live and learn and at least I get another gorgeous little baby girl ❤

 

Posted in pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, Uncategorized

8 days to go!!

Posted on by KerryLouise

After my post last night I felt quite strong, I had laid it all out and felt positive I could get through it no matter the outcome. Then I wake up…. I try call him around 10am and no answer so instantly I feel shit again. I want to send him a message just going mad but I just need to realise that that doesn’t get me anywhere. I knew he’d be sleeping but it still gets to me as i’m thinking ‘what if I was in labour.’ My friend said I do need to chill, and I agree. When he finally got back to me about 12:30 you could tell he was expecting a reaction from me, but I didn’t give it… I was calm.

This evening we spoke abit before we went to the cinema, he’s assured me that all the wild crazy thoughts of what he gets up to is just that. Crazy and wild. My fear of him returning to prison has made me into someone he rather not be around and his thoughts of me with someone else has made him want to hurt me the way he felt hurt. It’s all been a mess.

Anyway obviously I understand that this can all be words. I’m under no illusion that he may still continue like this when she’s here but I have to just see what happens. My focus is and still will be me and my girls. Although I am gagging for a night out , a bit of party therapy may stop me from being so bitter about other people being able to drink haha.

Feet feel swollen tonight… having a few tightening’s and lower cramps but I’m not getting my hopes up. Still full of a cold, Doctor told me it would be cleared up by weekend. Well Doc ….. its still here!! MEH!!

I found my old Slimming World book today during some more nesting as they call it. Basically my waist when Courtney was 6 weeks old is the same size it is now at 39 weeks pregnant. I cannot believe how different this pregnancy has been. I’m excited for her to be here and for the weight loss challenge.

 

Posted in pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, Singlemum, Uncategorized

9 days to GOOO!!

Posted on by KerryLouise

It’s after midnight so i could technically say 8 even, although I’m pretty sure she won’t be coming early. With scan bringing me forward anyway by 4 days and well just my luck really to end up going over and have to be induced. 23rd September is my date for that joyous event, so any thing between now and then is just a waiting game.

I haven’t wrote in a good while. To be honest I feared this blog would turn into just one big moan and whinge about my relationship. It would highlight things that I really needed to do and I wasn’t quite ready. I even still don’t want to go in to everything because that isn’t why I started this blog but I need to get this down. We’ve been through a lot as a couple, a prison sentence being the main obstacle, then upon his release I got pregnant very quickly. It hasn’t been enjoyable at all and I am half the person I was this time last year. Well double in terms of weight of course.

I’ve given him the benefit of the doubt on numerous occasions, numerous being an understatement! Yet he’s persistently treated me badly with disappearing acts, being unreachable, going out for an hour and ending up a drunken mess at my door at 4/5/6am. His attitude has stank and more often than that he blames me for everything. Despite me being completely honest about a man I met during his prison sentence, and him even knowing before he came out he still told me he meant everything he said whilst inside. I was his world, he wanted to marry me and other things he promised. It didn’t last long, I’ve listened to how I don’t deserve to be treated well because of what I did to him and how I’m a slag basically. Unforgivable words if I’m completely honest and they still play on my mind now.

What has made this all the more difficult is that after every argument, every disappearing act, or times he has been mentally vile to me I get the real nice side. He’s sorry, he can’t lose me (I’ve begged for him to let me go) , he’s going to change, it won’t ever happen again…. and rather than us taking some time apart to start again within minutes he’s forgotten exactly what he’s done and said and we go back to the nice normal. Until the next episode that is… which is never long! Now I’m no angel, I don’t pretend to be… he says these things… I see red. I use words to hurt him back and it’s just been completely toxic. He’s just betrayed me so much, can’t hold a job down and I fear he will end up back in jail and that is something I put my complete faith into not doing when I stuck by him. I’ve supported him as much as physically possibly but he throws it back in my face.

I also hold my hands up I’ve been weak, he’s made me feel so low, SO SO low but due to the situation (mainly me being pregnant) when he’s making it up to me I have to embrace it to cling on to that happiness. The love is still insane, I’m sure anyone from the outside can tell me why put up with all that ? But when you love someone THIS much you cling on to every word and believe them and even at the times I HATE him … like hate him so much I just want to protect him and try and guide him. It’s a mess, I wish I hadn’t met him at times, I’ve often thought ‘what the hell have I done’ in terms of the pregnancy and I hate how he’s made me feel, but then on the other side he’s my best friend. He does have such a good heart and no one has ever made me feel as loved as he has. The extremes are too much.

It has made no sense why he would spend the hours talking to me, always getting to the ‘root’ of the problem for it to just happen again and before we know it were having the same chat again. I honestly believe him leaving me would have been easier. Yes hurt at first but this constant up then heartbreak, has broken me. Each time he does something it breaks my heart a little more. Since 2013 (when I’ve met him) during his arrest, court case, prison sentence and now this I could easily go the rest of my life without a single tear. I’ve cried enough!

Anyway more recently enough has been enough, we are apart. To be honest weekends feel no different as he barely spent any with me anyway, he’d tell me he would but then get ‘tied up’ and stumble in at stupid o clock often me being awake all night. Half expecting him to try tomorrow morning, he did last Saturday morning. Putting my buzzer on private doesn’t work, he just throws things at my window to either wake me up or get my attention. I then let him in like a weak fool!

I know many men can go crazy when girlfriends/wives get pregnant, we are also a massive exception to any rule since we’ve had no time to be ‘US’. He got his freedom back, I lost mine…. he’s taken full advantage that he knows I’m not going anywhere and I’m wondering if all this is even something I can forgive?!

His promises has now changed to when baby is here, I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt AGAIN. I will see how he is when she is here, if he continues like this he does not deserve a relationship with this baby. He will say I’m bitter and using her against him, I say it’s me protecting my daughter from a man who may or may not be in her life or it is as when he chooses. Babies don’t need part time dads who want to be out on road all the time, or partying all weekend, or even risking their freedom, they need stability, love and lots of involvement!

In terms of our relationship, this week he has been a bit colder. Hasn’t been his usual self in trying to ‘make it up to me’, he’s taken a step back but he still stands by that he wants me, he wants us to try. We haven’t spoke in great detail, but has made comments about how I’m crazy. Does he still fail to see that it’s been him? Treat me like this… I get crazy…. It’s not rocket science.

I go from wanting him so bad to thinking I just possibly couldn’t forgive him for all what has happened. Knowing his charm though I think as long as he does change and do as he says when she’s here then he’ll have me smitten again. I am ADAMANT in the fact that anymore of this fuckery then it’s over. I love him, but I love myself and my baby girls more. Only so many life lines you can give someone and it won’t be long until I’m back to the old confident me and it will be him who wakes up and realises what he has done. Maybe not in a few weeks but one day. Everyone who knows the situation (not many) but they all say the same…. including his mother. He won’t get better than me, and even if I do see him with someone else… I’ll know she’ll just be putting up with the same shit I did and honestly if he couldn’t be a better man for me and his daughter he won’t do it for anyone.

It’s so hard admitting you was wrong about someone, or even admitting that the man you were so in love with could possibly treat you like this during pregnancy. I’ve often felt ashamed, felt like maybe it was me, felt like an idiot for even getting pregnant by such a douche in the first place and seriously NO ONE has known how bad its been…. NO ONE!

What doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger and ok I didn’t plan my life to be single with two children by two different dads but that does not mean I can’t find happiness one day. Definitely put off men for a long long time though, and pregnancy well NO WAY! Just NO!! I’ll have my two girls, I have my independence and I have my career and life to focus on. I’m 30, it’s still young really. It’s going to be ok.

 

 

Posted in pregnancy, pregnant, relationships

35 day countdown! 

Posted on by KerryLouise


Today marks me at 35 weeks pregnant! Eeeek! We are sooo nearly there now. I am SO ready , yet our home really isn’t ! 
The weekend has been a good one but I must admit I feel like I’ve just done a week in Ibiza! I’m exhausted !! 

I was up early Saturday morning all set to drive to London with the boy to see his family. It was his sisters birthday and so their was a family BBQ. I didn’t sleep great on Friday night after being woke by one of the stupid neighbours in the street at 2am but Dominic had just worked a night shift so him sleeping in the car didn’t make me mad and in fact it was quite nice to have some peace. He’s the worst back seat driver ever and honestly if he was sleeping due to being out on the lash it would have made my blood boil!!! Luckily that wasn’t the case so it was a calm drive , until we reached London THEN I get wound up with the traffic. Dom had the right idea by sleeping to avoid my traffic induced mood. I continually mutter how much I hate London and that never bodes well with a London boy apparently! I’m also unsure whether I got done by a red light camera. God dammit! Will have to wait and see on that one but yeh I’m sure if he was awake I would have been vile company after that. 

He then had a sleep when we got to his mums and I chilled with his mum for a bit and had my laptop. I then agreed to go to Victoria to pick up his Grandma. She’s a sweet lady, love her strong Jamaican accent and it was interesting hearing her views on many things in the car on the way back to Camberwell. 

I started to feel a little bitter when Dom was drinking his alcohol and all I could enjoy was a Pineapple KA. However I still bit my tongue to avoid me starting anything due to me being miserable jealous and pregnant! He was a nice drunk though, that I can handle. Started talking a lot of rubbish still but it was nice rubbish (if that is possible) and he was very loving. So I soon accepted that women just have the raw end of the deal, bloody men! 

Acid reflux was bad last night. Made me sick again. I rather just get it up than feel it in my throat. My friend and I joked today about how many anti-indigestion tablets I’ve purchased this pregnancy. She suggested about 100, Emily does like to exaggerate … But it could well be close. 

Dom was upset when I left him in London this morning, but I had to be back for my baby shower. The roads were so much clearer this morning, I like London like that. I get to my destination for the right time and I remain calm. We like calm Kerry. Calm Kerry is positive. I even remained super calm when we had 45 minutes to make all the sandwiches and cook the mini pizzas. Why do I remain so calm in stressful situations and even see the funny side with my friends but with my boyfriend I turn into the devil?! Hmm I need to work on that. Everything came together though and I couldn’t feel more lucky and happy this evening. 


Dom’s still in London though and I miss him, oh and my feet are defo beginning to swell now! Maybe that’s more due to the hot weekend and lack of sleep. 


I’ve had friends drive from London and from Birmingham today and some of the words written for me really made me well up. I’m so lucky and baby Ariana is already so loved! 

Now an overload of pictures:


Me and my 3 younger sisters. Using the baby balloon to cover the baby bump. 


Just a selection of the wonderful gifts from my amazing friends. 


35 week bump and my 7 year old daughter, who when filled out my prediction card wrote that I would be in labour for 7 days ! Cheers kid! 

35 days to gooooo! 💗

Posted in Uncategorized

6 weeks to go !! 

Posted on by KerryLouise

I keep seeing pictures of newborn babies and I think ‘Awww I want one’, crazy to think I only have 6 more weeks and my own one will be due. Maybe she’ll be here, please don’t let me go over little girl!! 

Had a great day at the Christening, it was lovely to do my hair and make up for an occasion. For someone who was so used to getting dressed up every weekend and who now barely even brushes her hair it was definitely a treat. I had a bit of a meltdown before we left and decided the heels were a no go. I’m tall anyway so when I feel this size I rather not stand out too much. We slept in quite late, 10:45am I woke and thought shiiitttt! These school holidays and no work is making me lazy, but hey ho I must enjoy this whilst it lasts. 

I do not understand for the life of me how I can get ready before the man. He’s so bloody slow, ‘you had a shower before me’ he says … Yes maybe but then I had to dry my hair and put on make up. What does he actually need to do?! I watch him painfully putting on his boxers, I swear that takes nearly 2 minutes. I huff a lot, I’m soooo impatient. Yet we still managed to get there without any real blows. Progress. 

Posted in Uncategorized

The joys of pregnancy .. 

Posted on by KerryLouise

I can’t believe I’m 34 weeks tomorrow .. It has gone so quick when I think about it but certainly not too quick.

Third trimester sickness is here , I was actually sick on myself whilst driving on Thursday. Then again when I had to pull over at the side of the road, at the same time being sick I genuinely wondered if my waters went. Other half confirmed it may just have been urine (gross) and I accepted that I’ve just become incontinent at this late stage of pregnancy. How attractive !! I kept an eye on it yesterday and I had noticed it feeling quite wet. Today I mentioned it to a couple of people and they suggested it is best to get checked out. I had an afternoon sleep and then monitored movements when I woke. She wasn’t as active as she has been so this made me more concerned and so I gave triage a call.

We are so lucky with our national health service, not made to feel unwelcome at all. They encourage women to go when they are concerned about anything! Very reassuring. 

Everything was completely fine, looks like little miss has moved and she is even more back to back now so maybe the reason for lack of movements. Waters haven’t gone but just normal pregnancy discharge was the culprit. Oh these joys!

The boy just cooked a prawn stir fry. It was spicy. Usually I can handle spice more than him but my mouth is on fire! It was nice though, baby is moving crazy now. Typical.

We have a christening tomorrow, I have a maternity dress to wear and I’m actually going to do my hair and make up. A complete rarity these days. I’m actually excited ! Xx

Posted in Uncategorized

The unreasonable man..

Posted on by KerryLouise

After studying law and hearing the reference to the reasonable man on many many occasions I am left wondering if this man really exists. My man is not reasonable, he is even that unreasonable he does not even know himself what he expects of me to acommodate his unreasonableness.

Let me explain…. so he’s been on nights this past week and it does work quite well. I’m not wondering where he is every evening, wondering what time he’s going to come in and wake me up, constantly being let down on a time, whilst I wait to go to bed. It will work well too when the baby is here, it always did when I had my first with my ex anyway.

Yesterday all hell break lose because at approximately 5pm I shouted something in the bedroom, baring in mind he was moaning about the workmen outside anyway so had already been disturbed. I immediately apoligised and left him alone. I then had to endure about 15 minutes of his poor attitude. Muttering how I was weird, how I was selfish… oh and not to mention how he should just go to his nans because at least he’d be able to sleep there. He’s kissing his teeth, saying I’m so strange, theres nothing to eat and just all sorts of stuff I just feel so unapprecaited and like a worthless piece of shit at this point. I’ve got better at not reacting but I do find I have to let my emotions out somehow so I cry. I then hear how ‘here we go again’, ‘always fucking crying’, ‘stessing out my daughter’, ‘crocodile tears’… eventually I do snap… breaking point. I attack. I get violent, it’s wrong and I know this but he pushes me sooooo far I just cannot cope with his words anymore. His silence would be ok, but he just continues… keeps pushing me and pushing me with his vile words and I just sit there and expected to take it all?

So of course after I’ve hit him, then I’m the bad one, I have a problem, I bring this all on my self. I’m vile and posion. How he can’t wait to watch me fail on my own as a single mum, and some other stuff that I just HAVE to try block out. He does slap me back, and he does get on top of me and holds me tight so I can’t hit out anymore. The same time his face so close to mine whilst he continues to scream heart breaking things in my face.

He won’t let me leave, he snatches my phone to call his mum and my God the lies and his ‘side of the story’ is far different to the events that had just occured. Apparently all he said was ‘babe that was a bit selfish’ and I flipped, then apparently after I flipped he held my hand and told me to calm down. HA fucking HA!! Its worrying because he genuinely believes his own lies and his version of events. Drives me even more insane. Telling his mum how I beg him to come here, how I’m moaning I am lonely without him. Must be someone else because that certainly is not me.

After he didn’t accept my apoligy he told me it was because I didnt mean it. I also made a point that he hadn’t sleep that late all week, he told me thats irrelevant and I shouldn’t be justifying that for shouting. I also reminded him how many times he has in the past 7 months, woke me up, allowed me not to sleep due to me not knowing where he is, and came in at 2/3/4/5 even 6 o clock in the morning. ‘That’s been the weekend’ he screams, I work fucking weekends so that makes no odds to me and equally it hasn’t only been the weekend. One wednesday night which is still very memorable  and I had an exam the next day!!!! His selfishness is so unreal, all because I shouted a few lines at 5pm on Tuesday evening.

Before he went to work he tried to kiss me and then questioned whilst I was being distant. If that isn’t bipolar I don’t know what is. I then send him a text telling him to go to his nan’s after work in the mornin. How I wasn’t anyones pity girlfriend,I also explained about the numerous times he hasn’t thought of me when rocking up at what ever time o’clock in the morning.

What a surprise, he didn’t listen. He was here at 6:40am kissing my face, touching my bump, telling me he loves me and to sleep some more. I slept in this morning, 10:20 I woke and quietly informed him I was off out at about 11:30. Told him to sleep well.

THEN…. I get ‘oh great you’re out again’, ‘I never see you’, ‘I work all week and you just go out all the time.’ This isn’t the first time he’s said stuff like this… He’s once moaned because I worked saturdays and realistically that’s the best day he can spend with me. He brings up on numerous occasisons how he’s tried to make plans with me but I’m ‘too tired.’ In my defence he’s asked about 4 times and I was tired as I have worked all day and I am fucking pregant. He does not let me live that down though, so it’s my own fault why we never do anything together. Does he think of me when he’s in the nightclub all night?!? Does he fuck! So I am not about to feel bad when I am doing things in the school holidays with my daughter when he’s meant to be sleeping anyway!!!

The joke is he even then tells me he’ll be up the same time as yesterday, oh God! So I tell him I’ll be back then so we can spend some time together before he goes to work. Surely someone working nights that is normal. I think he expects me to just sit in the flat all day until he wakes. Make him food for when he wakes, shower him and wash all his clothes too. For him to then just go out anyway!!

I was later coming back from my mums then I thought I would be but he wasn’t in. He then tells me on the phone he’ll be back at 9pm (he’s picked up for work at 9:30) so I am left wondering what his little hissy fit was about earlier. He’s either proving a stupid point or he honestly just moans at me for the sake of moaning.

From where I see it, he wants everything on his terms. He wants a wifey, a woman with no life, one that’s always around. Where he’s the priority and he wants me around when he’s free but when smoking and drinking and everything else is an option thats when he isn’t interested. I must try not to react. I’ve told him enough times I don’t want a life like this. He has insecurities about me leaving him in the future but he certainly isn’t going the right way around for that to not happen. Times like this I actually daydream about a man who appreciates me, a man who does little gestures to show me he cares, going back to dating and getting those butterflies. Not this constant anxious feeling of hate and resent because I’m treated like a burden on someones life. He’s missed his lift for work like 4 times out of 7, I’m then the mug he relies on to take him. I’ve also taken him money on two occasions because he’s forgotten it. He wants a mother as well as a wife, that just is not me!

Fuckin hell its 9pm and he’s here ……