Tag: relationships

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Why does he cheat?

Posted on by KerryLouise

It is impossible to sum up everything in just one blog post. However it can all be found in my blog but what I’m finding particularly difficult and I tend to relive in my mind daily, is the abuse I experienced regarding my abusers infidelity. This isn’t a man who would cheat on odd occasions or cheat and leave because he felt like he fell in love with someone else. This is a man who would lie deceit and have other relationships making out to whoever the poor girl was that they were in fact the chosen one. He lied and cheated to them too. There is something highly destructive vile and cruel about these types of men. They don’t fall in love, they see women as objects. Not caring about who will get hurt in the process, so desperate disgusting and needy.

I used to feel so embarrassed and ashamed by this. What was wrong with me? Why wasn’t I enough? Or good enough? I had blamed myself for gaining weight when I was pregnant. Not getting rid of the weight quick enough, accepted that I was nasty to him at times so I pushed him away. I listened to his excuses about how my infidelity when he was in prison (the first time) messed with his head and much much more. Accepting and justifying his infidelity

Finally a year later after finding out about the first ‘affair’ I was ready to get completely rid. As mentioned I was ready months ago but this time it gave me the strength to make everything final. I needed a court order, no contact is the ONLY way. He’s a vile cruel narcissist and I’ll be damned if he ever disrespects me again.

Without re writing history the cycles were always the same. I suspected, I confronted, he would lie scream and beg till he was blue in the face that I was wrong. Turned it all back round on me, told me I was weird and paranoid. In fact used it as an excuse to go through my phone, all my social media and question me over very innocent situations. So so convincingly told me I was everything to him, his world. How he’s nearly lost me before and over his dead body would he ever risk it again. He swore on his mother’s life, on his baby’s life and in that given moment I doubted myself. He looked me straight in the eye, held me, wouldn’t let me go. Even though my gut and head knew, it was like I was given no choice but to believe him. You can’t doubt a man like this or question him too much, it was too exhausting and it ended in a fight where I would be left bruised, confused and no better off since an argument would only end by me having to tell him I loved him and we were still together. Completely impossible.

The only way to EVER get him to admit was to play detective. Without talking to the girl in question he would just carry on the cycle. Carry on lying, cheating, coming and going as he pleases. Expecting love, affection and sex when he returned and I was anxious, lonely, distraught and TRAPPED!

The first time was the most hurtful, now I look back it was completely so obvious but he controlled me so much my head wasn’t in gear. Acceptance … Also let’s not forget I was pregnant and emotions were everywhere anyway. He disappeared, often days at a time, heavily pregnant and so lonely and ashamed. I couldn’t admit to anyone how much of my pregnancy I did on my own. What an idiot I was for believing in him. Standing by a man in prison. Thinking he would change. There was a whole heap of abuse surrounding that too- that too was of course all in my head until he needed to use it as an excuse. He blamed his drug dealing life (which I never supported until I was desperate for my family) as to why he had to be away at times. I was not allowed to dispute, question or argue it. He ALWAYS had the upper hand and I was ALWAYS the one left crying, broken, devastated and alone.

One time he left me all night with our 4 day old baby after a c-section unable to get out of bed. I called him around 50 times, I was traumatised, devastated and felt completely worthless. It happened a few more times after that, each time begging and promising it wouldn’t happen again! LYING IS ABUSE. He had no intention to never do it again he just wanted to make sure I wasn’t going anywhere! When I found out he had in fact been cheating I had never ever felt pain like it. The girl was young, she had been fed lies about how we wasn’t together. He had met all her family and she told me he was pretty much living at hers with her grandparents. My life just wasn’t my life, how did I let this happen I thought! My beautiful baby being born into such negative bullshit, a time of my life that should have been so happy was in fact the lowest I have ever ever been. I felt sick at the thought that after my labour , after he showered my just given birth naked body, acting like the proudest dad in the world he went to another girl! Just vile. Obviously after I found out, he lied more, told me she was lying about how involved they were, told me he was glad I found out because he didn’t know how to stop it. Fucking hell the lies he told were incredible. I believed he loved me and he just made a mistake. A man like this are , he would lie about things where the truth isn’t even a problem. So addicted to living a lie, convincing and I am sure he must just must believe his own lies. He didn’t stop abusing there, he then continued to go between us both. I kicked him out so he used her home, laughing with me about how she was just his landlord. Coming back to me promising me he would leave her soon and that he just needed to sort his head out. We would have sex and I would allow him to go back to her. So vulnerable desperate and ashamed. It needs to be goodbye …Narcissists always promise and never deliver. He did that in many many areas of his life. I became used to being cheated on , used to be disrespected, he went back to her one night after he did come back and I just accepted it. He in front of us both this time made out she was lying. I knew she wasn’t, it was him, I had been on the receiving end of that before and I knew how much of a cold lying heartless cheating bastard he was but at least this time it was her being made to look out to be a liar and not me. I wanted her to feel how I felt the times she would ring me saying ‘can I have my man back now’, and I just knew she swallowed all his lies about me being just a bitter baby mum , that we hadn’t had sex for months and oh that I was just intimidated by her. Give me strength!

The second time was Christmas/new year 2016/2017. For this reason I’m suffering bad in the lead up to Christmas. Just as I was feeling around my baby’s birthday in September, reliving all the trauma from the year before. I have never ever been treated the way he treated me last Christmas and I sure as hell will never ever ever be treated like that again. This wasn’t JUST about his cheating but many things but it always ended the same. I found a girls number, she wouldn’t talk to me until my friend spoke to her and yes he had been cheating again. Like what the fuck is wrong with him!! Imagine he called me a snake for finding out, I was jealous, embarrassing and I was meant to be a big woman but just looking dumb in front of young girls. Something very psychotic about someone who can be found out for cheating and then blame you for finding out! Very psychotic indeed. Before finding out I experienced sleepless nights, I’d wake up and he would have disappeared. He would even text me saying ‘on my way home baby all I want is you’ and not fucking come home. Who actually does that!? His response would be ‘something came up.’ I was so trapped, why wouldn’t he just leave me alone. I didn’t beg him this time, ‘just go’ I screamed! Be yourself as an unemployed drug dealing cheat who gets his self worth from sleeping with multiple women! ‘Just GO!’

Before I found out about this 2nd one I confronted him, I have never seen someone so fucking desperate. He was adamant that I was just paranoid because of last time, he had no reason this time and before was just revenge ! Genuinely believing it was his right to cheat since I had too. I had everything turned back round on me, holding me down telling me I was the cheat, telling me I had men in my phone because I was an attention seeking whore. I was going insane! I cut my arm in front of his eyes so desperate for him to stop. I needed to just get him to shut up! It finally ended when he calmed me down, again I had no choice but to believe there was no one else. He left and didn’t come home. The cycle continued. Finding out number 2

This time I was adamant I was not going to get caught up in another love triangle. Of course he carried on the same, begging me, yet telling her I was lying. Despite us both having a conversation , her seeming actually like she was just as sickened by him too and he had even lied about his name, she fell for his lies too. Why wouldn’t she? I did. He’s a professional liar! It was from this time the police became involved, he was initiating sex whilst I had a man fitting my boiler and my 2 children awake (Another thing abusers do – demand sex at inappropriate times) and I was very stern on my no. You can’t say no to an abuser and it escalated so bad, he hid my phone and the shit coming out his mouth was breaking me some more. I needed him out and I messaged my sister on fb. ‘Call the police’. I NEVER thought I could ever call the police on him, EVER! I was desperate !!

We then separated for a while, we were still being intimate though I was just not allowing him to live with me. He manipulated it all. Eventually after lies and bullshit I was willing to give us another shot, he swore on his daughters life that there had been no one else. I obviously found out different. Another poor woman who he actually met when I was pregnant, confronting him with this one initiated the worst violence from him. Same cycle , denying denying denying! Abused for not believing, hit for accusing, turned back round on me for talking to men and having flowers bought for me during our separation. Then when it was confirmed I had my phone smashed, hit some more, and I was literally a prisoner in my own home! This one he called in front of me, told her how he loved me, he was sorry but she didn’t mean anything to him. This didn’t make me feel good I felt sorry for her, he literally doesn’t care about anyone but himself. The events from this meant I went to the police again, I was bruised all over my body which he made a point of kissing each bruise before he left. Told me that it wasn’t him and he was sorry. I had once again got no phone because he completely smashed it and I was so bruised my body felt tired and sore. He could still go on his day though, not caring about how I was feeling. He did 28 days in jail.

When in jail he got to me again. The words he wrote in the letters, manipulation and I just wanted to go on the family holiday that had been booked for a year. It was all my focus was. One holiday for my baby to experience. Upon his release I couldn’t believe the change in him, he was doing a course to actually get some work and he was so calm, loving and the man I always thought he was. Four weeks that lasted and if I’m completely honest that devil in him appeared even on our holiday in May 2017. A Greek security guard from the airport even came up to me and said ‘I’m here if you need me.’ My abuser wouldn’t even give me a euro for some water and made me stand in the que with all the suitcases whilst incredibly hungover and faint. A stranger had to help me move my suitcases whilst he just sat down occasionally glaring at me like he hated me. What had I done wrong? I sobbed.

June 2017 and I started a new job. From this point I KNEW I wanted out. I wasn’t hoping or expecting change. He was bringing me down daily and all I can thank is that I finally saw that. I was spoken to like a child, told what I could wear, blamed for dirty marks found on his clothes and hit when things were not going his way. He used our daughter to control me. He was her primary carer and if things didn’t go his way he would threaten me and say how he couldn’t look after her. I was NOT going to allow him as a reason I couldn’t go to work and so quickly enrolled her in nursery. I was fortunate enough to start seeing that I deserved more just by the Work I was doing, the people I was surrounded by and the friendships I was building. He said that he knew when I got a job I wouldn’t want him anymore, he was losing control. He didn’t like that! That only meant he got more vile, more controlling, and it increasingly became harder to get out of. The charm to harm stuff was chronic. Yes vile but also insanely over the top nice too, for that I convinced myself I wanted him in our baby’s life, that I had to face facts he would always be in my life. I wanted to at least co-parent and told myself that eventually maybe I just wouldn’t care anymore and he’d no longer get to me. I even considered just meeting another man and being the one to ‘cheat’ , but I couldn’t get another man involved in this, he made it very clear what would happen should that be the case. If I had done that that would have been used against me for the rest of my life.

More recently I became suspicious again, it wasn’t as often though. I think it was because I cared a lot lot less. I even begged him to go find someone else, I hoped he had. I did not want him, we had no future together and I couldn’t see one at all. When we was together he was either abusive and rude or overly loving and desperate. Obviously he wouldn’t admit to another woman and he actually spent the majority of the time going over and over how ashamed he felt, how badly he’s treated me, how he was going to spend the rest of his life proving it to me and that he loved me so much. Again the convincing lying, the manipulation, the desperate words of a man scared of losing the ‘love of his life.’ I’m a lot wiser to all this now but I still needed to catch him in the act to get him to admit it. He would kiss my forehead whilst I was falling asleep and whisper how much he loved me yet be sleeping with another woman. He is not sane! I think men like him MUST believe their own shit. Maybe he felt an element of guilt when around me so over compensated. I doubt it though. His shit got more convincing but I got a lot wiser and stronger and that’s all that is to it. His pleasantries no longer made me feel good, mostly just angry and sick. Actions speak louder than words was all I thought of!

It still hurt though. Not for the other girl, I know she means shit to him but the countless times he got so angry with me for doubting. The abuse he gave me for going to Ibiza just 2 weeks prior and can you imagine having a conversation with a man you love on the telephone whilst he has another girl by his side and hear him say ‘stop being weird we haven’t been together for months, this is my new girl now’. So so damaging all to the mother of his child knowing the state he got me in by doing this. I had to deal with that with three different women. Cruel isn’t even the word.

Even this time, as usual at every opportunity he’s had since. he’s begged cried and told me he loved me. He has been so disrespectful about her (of course) and so convinced I would have him back one day. Not this time mate, no way! I have a court order on him, and that is the way I hope it will stay. I am moving so he doesn’t know where I am, and I will be dammed if I listen to any more lies. He has already breached his order by talking to me and in the short time he was breaching he somehow still managed to get inside my head. I believed that he misses me and loves me, even though I know he doesn’t he just hates that his control over me has gone. When I’m in his presence I feel hypnotised it’s fucking MENTAL.

For all these reasons and many many more I will keep it being ‘no contact.’ He won’t be seeing his daughter until he does everything social services asks of him. I gave him plenty of opportunity to be a Dad, co-parent and be involved and he proved time and time again he would let her down just as much as he was me. I do feel worried still that given the opportunity he would get inside my head again. That’s the control he has on me, and that’s what I am working on and making sure I am never ever that girl again.

I feel so grateful that domestic abuse is spoken more of these days, the law got stricter in 2015 and I can only hope more and more continues to be done. I speak to women who have suffered abuse for years. I am proud that I got out when I did. Nearly 2 years was long enough and it would have only got worse. My inbox is ALWAYS open for anyone struggling, unsure on what they are experiencing or needing some extra support. My best support has come from those who understand and get it and I am adamant that I will use my experience to help others.

I have been strong, others can too!

Posted in DomesticAbuse, Girltalk, Heart, Heartbreak, Mistakes, prisonwives, relationship, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum

The Truth will Conquer

Posted on by KerryLouise

I’ve had a good day today. Well better than still can be expected. It really is always a rollercoaster of emotions. Spoke to M last night for ages. It’s so nice to actually chat with someone and just get on. He makes jokes about me being his girl and we talk about life before. I guess I find him comforting as he’s followed the process since I’ve know him since 2015. He is also highly complimentary and there’s something more satisfying getting that from someone who you’ve actually known. Like you can chat with guys online but generally they will be complimentary since they are trying to smooth talk and charm. From M it seems more real.

It’s when I’m driving in my car alone I get most of my flash backs (apart from yesterday morning in the shower). I was driving back from MK today and I just thought about her letter again. To think I even screen shotted her proof that he text saying how much he loved me just the day before. So blind, so foolish. What bothers me is the fact he makes out to anyone who listens that he can’t see his daughter because I’m basically jealous and bitter! That’s what fucking bothers me because that is so so far from the truth. I know the truth will conquer but until that time I can’t help but have how the conversation would go in my head. I feel so sorry for her writing this letter when he was begging me on Monday, begging me prior to that and slagging her off to me. Continuing to deny her and telling me he fucked her off. How he ruined everything for a stupid mistake with an ugly old coke taker. It’s crazy how he thinks that’s the only reason but hey. Apparently he isn’t sleeping (he did look a mess) and every time he sees a buggy and a family it kills him. Heard this before, shame he kept forgetting that feeling ey! He had enough chances at it.

Anyway when I got home I pulled up my statement that was written for the non molestation order (you know the one I’m supposedly manipulating the services with). It’s brutal. It dates right back to march 2016 where he punched me in the stomach and I had a bleed when pregnant. I mention the smashing up on my phones x3. The bruises, the fat lips and the fact he’s bit my face before. I talk about the bad innocent in January 2017 and then also the most recent with the hard punch in my rib. Then it explains how I suspected another woman but he was denying it and wouldn’t leave me alone. It’s all in there. Furthermore every fucking thing is backed up with evidence. June 2016 when I went into the hospital crying and high blood pressure. My maternity notes had safeguarding warnings, when I was in labour I was asked repeatedly if I was ok him being there. I guess my midwife knew more than she let on! The evidence of all the pictures that were taken by the police. I have holes in my walls! Then the most recent one was witnessed by my 9 year old daughter who told a teacher at the school ! My social worker has seen bruises and all my tears. Other health professionals have been trying to warn me and one in particular I’ve kept in contact with and she has her own batch of evidence. Why the hell am I still finding myself trying to justify myself. HE FUCKING ABUSED ME! I am manipulating NO ONE! He hadn’t seen my statement until Monday, I bet he didn’t show her it. He has been instructed to issue a statement by 8th December, the thought of his response is making me so anxious! The lies are real killers.

I was with my friend today who is also on her own and her baby doesn’t see her dad. We both agreed that yeh our girls may want to find their dads in the future but they’ll soon learn that their mummy’s did the right thing. I love my baby with all my heart and my eldest of course. They are simply my world and I spent so long chasing something that was never going to happen thinking that was for the best. It wasn’t , he isn’t and he doesn’t deserve his daughter or me and my eldest either.

I was looking through photos tonight I want to get some printed for My baby to look back on and see that daddy was in her life at one point. I screenshotted a meme that made me sad and highlighted how much shit I’ve put up with.

28th September 2016 that was on my camera roll. How fitting , and I felt like that from March 2016 – June 2017. Then I just knew I needed to somehow get away. June 2017 on the hen do he tried to sabotage then got angry because I wore a dress I shouldn’t of I did actually get drunk and cry and just said ‘I deserve better.’ I was no longer wanting or hoping for change. He had done too much!

This whole time I’ve had too much empathy, felt bad when he ‘felt bad.’ Didn’t like the thought of him hurting and feeling sorry for himself. Not anymore! He never cared for me, not really. He only loved me when he was in the mood to be nice. He didn’t care when I was sitting up all night waiting for him, threatening suicide or more recently telling him I was lonely and I wanted someone new. How dare I want a new relationship though, of course that made me a slag or I heard more empty promises how things were soon changing.

Typical narcissist, promising amazing stuff it doesn’t happen and all they care about is them!!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Aftermath of trauma..

Posted on by KerryLouise

I am struggling. It’s all a process and ok I don’t feel as angry (apart from with the stupid interfering skank who thinks she knows the man I’ve known 4 years) but I am suffering with my own thoughts.

I spoke with M again last night. It’s nice to talk to him but even that bought back memories of my abuser. I remember him calling me July 2016 and I admitted I was pregnant. That day my abuser was terrible I had to run out of my own home with my daughter. He was on a mad one and just being vile. Telling me the baby probably wasn’t his, being cold and distant. Told me he doesn’t fancy me anymore and going mad about an incident that happened with his vile cousin. He had not came home all night after promising he wouldn’t ever do it again just 6 hours prior and I didn’t want to let him in. Not sure why I did. When I try and explain my story I actually can’t even describe how he abuses me the only way I can explain it is … at the time I could EASILY stick a gun in my head to end it all. Anything to not feel or hear what was going on at that given time.

Another time he rang me it was Father’s Day 2017 and it was the day after I have a voice recording of him stopping me from wearing a certain item of clothing. (Which btw someone from a woman’s aid type institute couldn’t believe how abusive he was) . His behaviour was again so so unreasonable, all week I had been explaining that I needed some money towards bills. He was promising me £60. I explained that without it I simply couldn’t pay for us to go out to eat for Father’s Day. I had to walk out, I walked out and rang his mum. His mum was very supportive and agreed he was being outrageous and needed to grow up. I wrote in my notes on my iPhone of what he was saying… ‘Joke mans gonna have to pay for my own Father’s Day .. like what did you pay for my birthday and what did you get for your birthday .. exactly .’ My response was ‘What this dickhead fails to see is!!! If he fucking contributed to my bills I could pay for stuff but money doesn’t grow on f’ing trees! Also back in September he was an awful awful person .. lying cheating scumbag and cheating on me so why would I buy him ANYTHING!!

So ungrateful, so unappreciative and where was he on Mother’s Day!! Oh yeh that’s right JAIL!! ‘ When he is like this I literally CANNOT DO ANYTHING right! Instead of saying ‘babe I’m going to take our baby to my nans’ he talks indirectly and I’m tiptoeing around him hoping he doesn’t fly off the handle and asking something wrong. Muttering constantly how things are a joke. Omg I can still feel the feelings, I watch myself being so pathetic and scared. He then controls everything, the time we leave, the fact I have to take him, he dictates when I pick him up and he is a fucking selfish asshole animal!! He thinks he’ll one day get me back!! OVER MY DEAD FUCKING BODY!! I am angry that he still thinks this, angry that the cunt writing letters doesn’t even realise how he was STILL adamant he loves me!! They need to both fuck off out my head!!

Don’t get me started on what he did on his birthday in 2016. Makes me sick and anxious and my own thoughts send me insane thinking of that day too! I can watch my own life like a film. I’m not coping! I have a doctors appointment on Monday, I need help! I drove to a meeting this morning and at 2 points in one of the roads I saw a film of me and re-lived the feelings ! What the fuck is this , I actually could avoid certain roads ! Too many raw awful disgusting memories. Christmas last year was AWFUL! I wasn’t as strong as I am now and if I’m honest the most traumatic events are older ones and I just need January here! Actually February that’s when I move, right now I cannot see me EVER being able to be amicable with him. I tried so so hard to but as explained countless times it wasn’t possible.

I fucking HATE him!! HATE him so so much!!!!!!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

I am better than this

Posted on by KerryLouise

I can’t shake it from my head I want to badly to ring this fool and tell her to get her pointy nose out of my business! 2 months you’ve known him and he was sleeping with me the whole time yet you call him your ‘partner’. You messed up individual!

I am so so angry that she even had the audacity to think that her shitty words on a piece of paper would even stand anywhere against all the mountains of evidence I have. He told me she loves the cocaine maybe that’s what it was for. Extra drugs from him. He told me she was constantly asking him if he’s seen me, whether he still loves me, questions after questions. I intimidate her clearly!! She told him about her ex and how she has trust issues so kept asking him to confirm their relationship. Obviously he told me he got annoyed by her and fucked her off but that ain’t in his nature. He won’t have. He told me he admitted he still loves me to her, that’s no doubtably bullshit too and clearly this ‘letter’ is her desperate needy pathetic attempt at trying to make her look like his guardian angel. Dumb bitch all you’ve done is make it worse because I will NOT be made out to be a liar and I will NOT allow my daughter around someone like him nor someone like you! Coke loving abuser sympathiser! This is highlighted how toxic, how manipulative and how much of an abuser he really is. Already got his next supply he’s love bombing, already disrespecting, since EVERY opportunity he has it has been about me. He’s fed her a pack of lies and I will be dammed if I even allow contact in a contact centre. He isn’t safe, he isn’t sane and he will ruin my baby girl too just like he ruins everyone else !

She mentioned in her letter how he’s never intimidated her. I’m glad you think your small experience of him overpowers my 4 years of knowing him. Abusers only turn abusive when they don’t get their own way, maybe you’ve just been a wet lettuce and allowed all his disrespect. Well that’s evident since he was sleeping with both of us at the same and you CLEARLY know about that. Also he obviously doesn’t give two toots about you, he has no need to be jealous, controlling or intimidating. It’s been 2 months, you’re just a bed to sleep in , a body to fuck you have NO right to tell me that my ex partner is not abusive.

But I will not rise to her. The reactive person in me wants to react and go for her. Tell her to mind her own business and tell her how desperate he was for me yesterday. But no the smart me will refrain, she will learn, I will just give the evidence to the police and carry on. I don’t want that disgusting human and I hope you get pregnant and get beaten up again!! Then we’ll see how strongly you feel that ‘he is not this man I make him out to be.’

Nearly day 1 again of no contact and I even sent my daughter with his number on the ripped up piece of paper to school so she could give it to the family support worker I’ve been working with. I didn’t want it in my presence ! It’s evidence to the police and his ‘I don’t care about being arrested’ can be put into practice now. Hopefully the police are coming to take my statement tonight .

Posted in DomesticAbuse

This is just a rant ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

At times I can take a step back and analyse the situation. There is no doubt in my mind that my abuser is a extreme narcissist. It is so deep rooted that I don’t even have to feel concerns that to everyone else he is respectful and honest because he isn’t. He has no consideration for anyone else, whether that be a taxi driver, a friend, a family member, his child or his lover. In his world, it’s him who comes first!

Other times all I need to do is one big rant!! This morning was the child protection conference I am only thankful in every sense of the word that I have professionals who believe me. Imagine fighting this where no one believes you, it would drive me to complete destruction. Suicide even! Luckily he isn’t credible, always being arrested, letting people down and even today when he was told to stay in a room he ignored that request and came out. Following simple instructions isn’t ok for him, unless he’s the one in control then he can’t function right. Just him walking out that room and me having to walk past him was enough for me to STILL feel controlled!!

My rant goes like this … it came to light today that he has raised concerns over the fact he believes I neglect my baby! Him and his dysfunctional poor excuse of a woman Mother. As far as I am concerned that is it they won’t ever have any contact. His mother KNOWS what he’s like and the very fact he has now gone against me means she has no place in my baby’s life. She’s disgusting and she should take one hard look at herself, you raised this man. You help mould him, and despite you being well aware of everything he does you have defended him. Scumbag!! Why would I want my daughter ANYWHERE near you, I will protect my girls till the day I die and make sure they are never ever disrespected by a single vile human being in a relationship ever in their life!

It’s laughable that they actually think that would get them anywhere. LAUGHABLE!! I wonder if he will turn up at court on Monday and appeal my non molestation order. I wonder indeed!!!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Empower me..

Posted on by KerryLouise

Only a quick one tonight, I had many thoughts going through my head today so I wanted to record them somewhere. Mostly some pointers for future blogs as right now I don’t really have the time to go into them in depth.

I wanted to talk about the ‘other’ side of my abuser. My previous blog (unless you’ve been involved in a similar relationship) really screams ‘why!!’ I think to many! Why stay !? What was I doing? I need to explain all the charm side to this harm to make that understandable too because the truth is… even professionals do not understand. I have spoke to a police woman who really really got it, unfortunately she had experienced it too but she got it. It’s namely those professionals in social services and from my child’s school and that is worrying, that is something that NEEDS changing and NEEDS recognising! My social worker told me today that he’s now saying that I’m lying and trying to ruin his life, not only is that incredibly laughable but it is also incredibly stupid on his part. Better for me but stupid for him. He’s given me more ammunition to clear my fucking name and prove that what he’s done has been nothing but a constant cycle of manipulative lengthy disgusting abuse. So for that I thank him, he’s helped break his control HIMSELF! Let’s not forget that my last conversation he owned up to everything, pleaded sorry and I even felt ‘guilty’ about his arrest. Truth is you cannot believe a word he ever fucking says , NOTHING he EVER says is the truth and that is so destructive. He’s only acting this way now because he can’t actually handle the fact I now FINALLY have a boundary, he cannot cope with how alien this feels to him and how he has well and truly lost me. He’s clutching on to anything he can to try and protect himself as that’s all that matters in his mind. Him!

Another point worth mentioning is .. my social worker said ‘you’re doing good you’re out of it now’ , that is SO far from the truth, it’s worrying that these people actually think this is the way it works. I corrected her ‘no I am getting better but I am under no circumstances ‘out of it’. The fact he’s calling me a liar doesn’t phase me, I expected it. If he saw me tomorrow he would do EVERYTHING he could to hoover (another term professionals should educate themselves on) me back up, and would do that without a second thought. It’s inevitable. Maybe not tomorrow, but 6 months , 2 years whenever I need to prepare for that time… because he will.

She then said ‘ok but I will help you’ again I had to correct her ‘no you will not!’ You have done a pretty shoddy job of doing anything so far and that isn’t a reflection on her but a reflection on the resources available. The sunflower centre is an organisation that helps women who have suffered domestic abuse. I ask the same questions to the police, social services and even to them … what can you do to help me? The truth is .. yes they can arrange an injunction (done that) help me into a refuge (don’t need that) help put safety facilities in place (my flat is secure) but they do absolutely fuck all with the stuff that really keeps me hooked. Securing my flat is only as good as I let it, even an injunction is the same unless my mind is where it needs to be, there is nothing any one of these professionals can do. This got me thinking, my book ‘I mean it this time’ I can and I will help empower women, help them mentally break that cycle. I will use my experience to help make a difference and get rid of that stigma that still is attached to women who are victims of domestic abuse. I can run workshops I can find tools that will really work because currently there isn’t anything like it available. My local council have something called the freedom programme , there’s MUCH better literature out there and there is a gap in the market. I will win, and I will show anyone who has looked down their noses at me what domestic abuse really means and how advice of ‘don’t let him in’ really just doesn’t cut it. If my experience helps at least one woman in the future they I will feel like I have achieved.

I end on a positive. I have a bloody brilliant job which I love, everyone I meet speaks highly of me and everyday I am healing. Dips are normal but I am healing! I made the decision that I would attend the child protection conference in the morning. I am not going to ‘like’ it, the majority of people in the room are so uneducated on this subject it’s scary but you know what. Who cares! I know what I’ve been through, I know what is real and what isn’t , life isn’t just about ticking boxes and following protocols. I could have hidden ALL this from every single one of them but I spoke up! I have proof of that. Instead of judging me they should be praising me. I am me, I will never ever be made to feel less adequate than anyone else in my life so bring it on!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Reminding myself …

Posted on by KerryLouise

Today is a weird fucking day.. felt anxious and weird for most of it! It didn’t help that I fell asleep early last night and woke up unable to sleep until like 2am! 5:45am my alarm was set and just got back in at 9:45pm!! Day in London on a course for work, traffic was crazy on the way home which saw a junction be completely closed. Toooo much thinking time!

I found out the police are still doing their investigations. Surely this means they believe there is something there? Or is it just their obligation to follow up a complaint. The DCI was meant to call me on Sunday and find out my thoughts if I still wanted to go ahead, she didn’t call but is still investigating. Ahh I feel so sick and so anxious. On the one hand I feel relieved that something is being done, someone is taking me seriously and actually glad that something CAN be done with regards to the law. This time last year even longer ago I never thought it would be taken so seriously.

Last night when I couldn’t sleep I re-listened to 4 voice recordings I had on my phone. I often recorded him to prove to him that his behaviour was unacceptable, or I would listen to them when I questioned myself. I’m gutted I only have 4, there has been many more from earlier on but since he’s smashed so many phones it’s deleted that evidence. One of the first ones I did he was telling me ‘I hate you’ and ‘you make me sick’ so cold, nasty and cruel. Screaming how I had a choice and should of not stayed with him whilst he was in jail. There’s was screams of Courtney shouting ‘get off my mummy’ and he would just continue verbally attacking me. This one particular incident I remember managing to leave the house, I had Courtney with me too. Fuck sake forgot my car key!! He chased me up the road with no shoes on, screaming at me how I was making a scene and that he only cared about the thing in my stomach. Someone who knew me from doing my promotional work saw me and asked if I needed a lift anywhere. A neighbour then saw his volatile behaviour and began screaming out his window ‘get off her.’ It was INSANE! I just thought it was because he was drunk. If only I still had that one as evidence now.

It’s mad how much I STILL have to remind myself !! HE WAS ABUSIVE he emotionally TORTURED me and I mean that from every bone in my body. The times when he was bad I could have easily smashed my own head in just to STOP him going on, gone even worse than that time I cut myself. The times he disappeared I would rather of been dead than carrying his baby, so so scared of what she was being born in to. Then when he disappeared when she was born I never ever ever felt so low, unloved, unappreciated and like a worthless piece of shit than how he made me feel! NOBODY should EVER make anyone feel like that, that is abuse in itself, to feel like they would rather be dead that have to continue living a life with a certain person. I guess from this it may seem insanely crazy as to why I even entertained him anymore, should have cut him off way way sooner BUT with this harm obviously came the charm. His manipulation made me forget the pain he caused, made it seem like no big deal. His promises ALWAYS seemed sincere and it was a LOT easier to accept his apologies than not! I blamed myself, I felt like it wasn’t his fault .. you name it I thought it. Even now I think ‘it’s not his fault’ he’s just been bought up that way, BUT whoever’s fault it is …. it certainly wasn’t mine!

From the 4 voice recordings I picked out ALL forms of abuse.

Gaslighting – Telling me something didn’t happen when I KNOW it did. He didn’t just say it once though.. oh no he continued and continued … and continued to discredit me. Tell me I can’t accept when I’m wrong and that there is no way this said thing happened. Thing is any NORMAL person would say ‘sorry babe you must have misunderstood me’ … not him … I was a liar and anything else which the argument veered off too.

Projection – he accuses me of things HES guilty off. Saying to me that I’m like talking to a brick wall, I never listen to him. Mentioned how I never go out with him anymore, (because he’s never around!) I just listen to it and shake my head thinking ‘that’s what you do!! Not me’

Verbal abuse – he said he hates me, that I make him feel sick. I piss him off and act dumb. He mimics my crying and says how all I do is play the victim. That it’s all crocodile tears and no one feels sorry for me. He goes on and on about how it’s really sad that he can’t talk to me and that as the mother of his child he should be able to talk to me about anything (funny how he doesn’t see that the same should go for me)

Physical abuse- although in these recordings he doesn’t hit me! He flicks my ears when he is telling me I don’t listen. He’s sitting very close to me to which I say ‘why are you sitting so close to me’ and he punches his hands in rage all very intimidating and all abusive!

Sexual abuse – despite our sex life being probably the reason the drug is so addictive and at times was literally incredible. There were times I didn’t want it, whether because my children were in the room (that time was shocking – at his mums house) or I was busy, tired or I just did not know where else he had been. However he wouldn’t take no very well. I was either told things like ‘don’t want your dead sex anyway’ and tell me some other personal stuff that I nearly wrote but can’t bring myself too. Any recent conflict would be bought up to have a row, he’d tell me that clearly I couldn’t keep up with his sex drive (which is laughable!!) or that he should just go and pull anyone. He would say things like ‘can’t believe my own woman won’t give me sex’ and just anything really. Tell me is it any wonder he would go elsewhere and make up ficstiousis or ‘real’ women he was going to go on a date with. It would be all that or just one hell of a strop. In fact the FIRST ever time I called the police on him was because he turned so nasty BECAUSE I wouldn’t sleep with him. Let’s not forget I had caught him cheating AGAIN and my eldest daughter was off school sick AND I had a boiler repair man in my flat and the disgusting creature wanted sex! Saying no to him then and the repercussions of that was enough for me to call the police to get him removed from my flat. I couldn’t take anymore. Well I messaged my sister on fb to do it because he hid my phone!! I had a massive bruise on my leg that time from a previous incident, and he was locked up. Despite bail he still came straight to me, I let him in as he told me he would tell me where my phone was. Like a cruel game he had me searching round the flat, ‘I put it in the washing bin’ , ‘I put it under the mattress’ .. none of the places were correct but he got off by watching me hunt and beg for the location. He again that night even said sorry and because I said ‘too late’ he assaulted me again before he left. Pushed me so I hit my head on the radiator and I still was without my phone. The voice recordings didn’t show any of that but he did make an awful comment about how he only came to me to ‘get his leg up’, he honestly sees women as objects at times. It’s vile. The other 80% of the time in the sex department he was the most loving, most affectionate, charming, beautiful, emotive person ever. I just had to be prepared if I ever said no. Then the abuse started.

Talks to me like a child- I can’t believe how much it clearly shows from the recordings that he speaks to me like a child. There is no two way conversation. He tells me off , he sits me down and makes me listen. He tries to tell me how I won’t ever learn, asks how old I am and that I will always have these problems with any other man unless I listen. I often tell him he talks AT me rather than with me. He doesn’t get the difference, now mate , that’s what is ‘sad’ not your assumption that you can’t talk with me! The fact you have no idea how to address the mother of your child!

He calls me ungrateful for suggesting I needed to buy a bag and I couldn’t wait for the one he was going to buy me (a narc loves a fantasy that never materialises). Ungrateful ?? Hmmm says him for living in a property rent free for months!

Tells me off that the baby bottles are not clean but when I go to wash up he stops me by saying I don’t wash up properly.

He stopped me from leaving my house in what I was wearing. Denies he stopped me, denies that it is control. Completely adamant he’s never stopped my free will GASLIGHTING GASLIGHTING! He’s done it fucking LOADS of times whether that’s by hiding my keys or physically not letting me leave. This time he did both. He was so sure my jumpsuit was too short. That it wasn’t control, but he was teaching me to have self worth and respect. That how our girls watch everything we do and will copy (pot kettle black!) so it’s wrong for me to wear a short outfit in 29 degrees but ok for you to be physically intimidating in front of our baby because she may not have self respect when she’s older! Hmmm! He goes on I’m not a proper lady apparently and I beg for attention. He still to this day does not see this as control!!! Just help and guidance! The man is deluded!!

I could go on! I really fucking could … but I’ve satisfied myself again. He’s an abusive asshole with an extreme narcissist personality disorder. He deserves everything he gets since he has made me feel so worthless without a care in his world so so so sooooo many times! He only ‘cares’ when something is effecting him! That’s when he fake cares, his sorry’s and his promises come out in full force.

I wish he wasn’t this way, I really really do. My illusion of him is still what makes it hurt so bad. The fake dream he sold me – (yet I was always the one who sold him a fake dream lol- projection.)

He was my soul mate, a piece of my world and he crumbled that all with his bare hands. It will take time. ALL I want to finish this post off with is … ‘I miss him!’ I know how crazy that sounds!!!

7 days narc CLEAN!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Party Day !!

Posted on by KerryLouise

Tonight is my birthday party that I’m having with my sister. I can’t wait to dress up and drink and have some fun!!

It’s now day 4 with no contact at all (again) and when things are drama free, calm and tranquil it’s bloody confusing for me! It feels alien and it’s these early stages is where that hits me the most. I have been talking to a guy who via the phone and texts it got me excited. Not necessary with him but the fact that there are men out there who have great conversation, can be good looking, not show any red flag signs and be interested in me! I met with him last night and a major problem is I just don’t really fancy him… my mind just ticks back and thinks of the very person I shouldn’t be thinking about. He’s normal, he has a good job, he gets life yet I simply just don’t see it going anywhere. Women must be programmed wrong I swear … well some women! My friend was texting me last night, she had lined up 2 dates in 1 night, her baby was born in February. She hasn’t had as much crap as me but she defo has had her fair share with the father of her baby. The first date she simply said was too nice and the 2nd was an hour late meeting her. Which one does she want?? Yep the arsehole!

Times like this it’s important I remind myself exactly how bad it was. How bad he was. The above meme summed up every day of my life in one way or another, from the minor ‘I didn’t say that’ to the ‘You drove me to it.’ Seeing memes like this really help my understanding of it. When trying to explain emotional abuse it is very very difficult to someone who doesn’t understand. The violence yes, no one can tolerate but it’s the emotional abuse that cuts deeper and is harder to explain. If it’s through tears then it feels warranted, not crying and showing strength the explanations seem minor and I start doubting myself again (He’s helped with that over the years). Was it even that bad!? Maybe I did over react. But YES it really really was that bad!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

So strange ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

The meme is right , it will take a long time to actually get to grips with the fact that this is what we’ll be. Strangers! Well almost! Until April 2018 the non-molestation order is in place and I can’t even speak to him. Will that even happen? I doubt it, I bumped into him in Asda for goodness sake. I guess I look at it like he’s back in side. The difference being that that aching feeling where I’m longing for my soul mate has been replaced with an anxious grieving feeling where I just wish everything was so different.

After the police called me ALL I could think of was the good times our holiday, our laughs, our family, prison visits, our letters, our past and the way he made me feel even just one month ago has vanished! I looked back at my Instagram where there are posts upon posts about how he was my true love and how we would be together forever despite the fact he was locked up. I was completely besotted by him and that’s ALL I can think off! How the fuck does that happen?? Where’s my feelings of hate? Resentment? Why can’t I remember the amount of emotional and physical abuse he’s put me through? Well that’s a lie, I do remember it I just don’t feel it the way I felt it at the time. This is a man who emotionally tortured me so much to the point where I was screaming for him to shut up and leave me alone, when he didn’t I took a knife and cut myself in front of him to get him to STOP. He dragged me to the bathroom to wash my wound and yet still didn’t stop, telling me I wasn’t well and that he was sure I would tell people that he did it. That was never my intention I just needed him to STOP! I have the scar, I can see that everyday yet I still fucking miss him!! That was nearly a year ago now and I can see the film of it in my head, my phone was in my bra and he was trying to get it. All this abuse was around my infidelity when he was in prison and how I attention seeked on social media. He could take a small bit of reality and turn it into something so crazily toxic and damaging, it was clever though because I did blame myself. That was his intention, make me feel like I deserved it and so when he was charming again it was minimised and it was me apologising for making him that way. He apologised too, of course he did! ‘It’s ok’ .. I comforted.

I now need to decide if I can go to court, I don’t think I can. I guess I just have to see, he ‘no comment’ed his whole interview. What is he thinking now?! 36 hours ago he was telling me how much he loved me, how he’s fucked up his whole life now and that he’ll do whatever he can to support me as the father of my child. Why do I care how he’s feeling? He never cared when I was feeling distraught and devastated!

I am angry with social services. I begged for their help back in June, as part of the plan back in May he was required to do the domestic violence perpetrator course. By end of June I had wrote a letter of complaint surrounding the lack of support by Social Services. I explained how things were better but he needs that help! Nothing changed and by July I had made the decision we didn’t have a future together, whenever he did engage with our social worker he said the same ‘I want us to be a family’ bullshit. Accepting he would take the help! Why wasn’t he fucking given it?? I don’t believe it would have saved our relationship but with more support and involvement we would not be here today with police and non molestation orders. We just wouldn’t be !!

Once I give the go ahead then the CPS will decide if there is enough evidence. I doubt there will be, it’s all my word against his. Initially I felt like I would feel like ‘my abuse wasn’t really abuse’ if the CPS said insufficient evidence but no I’m stronger than that. The DCI is ringing me Sunday, my current feelings are to do it. If it’s NFA’d then good I don’t have to deal with all the shit court will bring and I will show that I’ve done everything I can. If by miracle he is charged … then I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Posted in DomesticAbuse

The time has come ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

I just got the phone call. He’s in custody, he’s been arrested and he’s about to go in for interview. I feel sick.

Monday night my baby woke up at 11pm and by 2:30am I was so beside myself with tiredness and anger I called him to release that stress. It helped, he took everything I said and offered to come and help with the baby. I was so so tired but I knew that couldn’t happen. I was awful to him telling him how much I hated him for everything he’s done, how he’s going to live a miserable life and whatever else I felt appropriate. All he said what that he loved me and agreed he’s been an awful person. I broke the seal again and felt the need to update him the next day too. All I hear is how much he loves me, how much he was just stuck in his ways and that he’ll do everything to be a good father. Understands he’s lost me but believes he has what it takes to put it right?! I categorically do not believe this is the case but in years to come and these feelings have diminished then what! Will I be a fool and get caught up again? I just can’t I really can’t! I HOPE I can get to a place where I’m just not interested at all but how does someone get there ?! He’s a part of me, we’ve gone through so so much and my beautiful baby is a product of him! I pity him, I feel sorry for him, I don’t want to see him suffer, he’s not cared about me but I can’t help that I care. How does someone stop caring?!

I look at my beautiful baby and she has no idea what is happening. Her daddy who she loves so much is in a police cell, a cell for what he did to her mummy. If only it ended there, but it won’t. I’ll be expected to go to court. How the hell do I get through that? My friend had to do this just a few weeks back after a very violent attack with her partner. He beat her hard, sliced her finger with a knife to the point where she needed an operation, he has history of domestic violence where he’s served prison time before and he got a measly 2 and a half years! The defence called my friend a liar and she said it was awful! I can’t do that, I just can’t. Difference is she NEVER has to see him again, I do and I want too. I want my baby to know who he is, she deserves that and when my daughter has a mind of her own I can’t still be so hung up on this situation that I’m bitter and unsupportive of her. I witnessed that with my mum, 25 years on and she will avoid anywhere my dad will be. Teenage girls are hard, what if she uses it against me, blames me for not having a relationship with her dad, blames her self because it was the pregnancy that sent everything so crazy, or what if she leaves me to go be with her dad. My ex mother in law lost her daughter for a few years and that would KILL me! I’m not just thinking about me , I’m thinking practically. If he went to prison for this then all the above could happen if he gets found not guilty that would question everything I believe it.

What the actual fuck do I do ??

The DCI is going to update me after his interview ..