Category: pregnancy

Posted in baby, breastfeeding, life, Newborn, Parenting, pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, singlemum, Uncategorized, Women

Acceptance … 

Posted on by KerryLouise

I don’t even know where to start .. but I need to get this down in my blog. Admitting what has gone on to the world is my next step in acceptance. Accepting he is never going to change, accepting he just isn’t the man I thought he was and accepting I am not getting that perfect family. I’ve wrote posts previously but kept it on a separate blog .. a blog that isn’t associated with me but now it is time.

Me and my new babies father met in December 2013, seems so long ago now yet in such a short space of time SO much has happened!! In may 2014 he was arrested and charged with drug charges , he spent what felt like forever on bail where the courts really proved they couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery! In August 2014 he was finally sentenced, and that was it he went off to prison for 16 months. My world crashed, I missed him so much , me and his mother describe the pain like as if he died. We were grieving, it was ridiculously hard. Visits were the highlight of my life and looking back they were actually lovely. Just kissing, laughing, joking and talking. All we longed for was to be able to start our life properly ! Endless amounts of letters and phone calls and we were so in love . After about 9 months my own thoughts got over me and I did meet someone else. I was building a resentment for Dominic, I was crazy lonely and I felt so bitter that his crime had put a stop on my life too. I feared we wouldn’t work out anyway and remembered his behaviour before he went and worried that he just would never change. My fling went on a couple of months and yes I got feelings but always knew it was Dom I really wanted. Little did I know my honesty would be be used against me for the last 10 months.

So yes I did a bad thing and I even had a small amount of doubt on who the babies father was, which is awful I know but I was completely honest and gave him the choice. However the honesty and the talking and him saying he forgave me would never last long.

From around March time he began his drinking, him staying out till 4/5/6 in the morning, not answering his phone at times. Began doing things that were risking his freedom and just being an absolute selfish animal.

I fell pregnant literally the week he came out of jail. He regained his freedom and I lost mine. He loved that, he loved the control he had. He often made comments that I did enough going out when he was locked up. The conversations we would have were like a broken record. I can only describe the last 10 months as HELL. Regular occurrences of him calling me a prick and a dickhead. I’ve slapped him, he’s hit me. Disappearing. Popping to the shop yet ending up in town and coming in at 5am smashed out of his head. Not answering his phone , or having no battery on his phone. I’d feel stressed about him holding down a job, (he’s got through a few) turning up on time , calling in sick and arguing with team managers. All this time carrying his baby!

Early on I never did worry about him getting with another girl. Yes he’d disappear but he’d always end up with me at the end of a night out. It was the illegal activity, the disgusting mental abuse and just leaving me on my own all the time that I had to deal with. He told me I deserved all this for not standing by him properly. How I broke his heart , so he was breaking mine. I’m actually finding it a lot more difficult to sum up these months than I thought. After each outburst I would beg him to leave me alone, telling him to just admit he couldn’t get over what I did and just let me move on with my life. But no … with every episode of disgusting and vile anger from him it was then followed with how much he loves me and how much he’s going to make it better. How he wants a proper family , and that he was going to be the man I wanted ! Famous last words 🙄

I would say at LEAST once a week I would deal with some kind of heartache, heartbreak and stress from his words and actions. I was crumbling daily and began to just start listening to what he had to say rather than react. This stopped the fights but it was still chipping away at my self esteem. This is a man who can call me a cheap slag and walk out a room, then because of no reaction he would come back and say sorry less than 5 minutes later. I judged this behaviour from a far and then came to the conclusion that he needs mental help. The cannabis smoking was making him mentally insane. Again trying to make sense and justifying this disgustingness.

As my due date got closer he got worse. I accepted he didn’t really fancy me and I had got out of him that something had happened with someone a couple of times. I accepted this as karma and with his sorrys I was going to move on with it. We were still having sex though so I never imagined it was that bad. All I’ve been wanting is my baby here, so sure it would change his ways. Now she’s 3 weeks old tomorrow and he’s actually been worse than ever. I’ve also found out that the girl who was just a couple of times has been many more and not only was he with her when I was heavily pregnant but also since I brought his baby into the world. He makes me sick! A night I couldn’t get out of bed due to the c-section , yes in a hormonal outburst I said ‘don’t come back’ but after 49 missed calls he bloody should have. Again I said if you have someone else GO!! I’m not stupid I know how it looks. He got angry screaming how he don’t need no pussy he’s making money and just other vulgar justifications for why he wasn’t with me when we both needed him!

Now I found all this out by snooping and approaching the girl. Sunday through to Wednesday of this week he was so convincing that he was sorry. His head was fucked it’s me he wants and she’s lying about how he had told them they were together! I am amazed at how this human can lie so convincingly to me yet has also clearly gone back to her and told her I’m lying and that we’re not together. I had thought we were both wiser than him but realistically she’s a 20 year old child. Despite us both saying he needs to get in a room with all 3 of us she has accepted his lies and deceit. The cheek of her has even said to me that she feels like he had cheated on her with me!! Sorry what?!? 😳 oh and also called me a slag and that I’m using my baby as a weapon. I can’t fight with imbulsils especially childish ones. Go ahead believe him but she best know that he won’t ever stop trying to tell me he wants me, nor will he be any different to her and actually be a decent boyfriend. We’ve been together nearly 3 years and despite all our SHIT there has been ALOT of love there so I’m not threatened in the slightest in thinking she’ll get everything I ever wanted from him. He’s incapable of being that person!

Early on this week as I said I was accepting his sorry. I was hurting so bad but I felt like I just needed him around me, listening to him grovel and try and plead and beg!! Then yesterday I was having her call me stressing me out and confusing me even more. Dom and I spoke and agreed that we needed to separate for a while. He was still adamant it was me he wanted and not her, why not be honest?! It makes no sense to me. I had to accept that if he’s not with me he’ll be with her, his promises mean nothing.

At 8pm on Wednesday night he called, he was shocked at my positive attitude and he told me he loved me, how he was off to work (he works nights) and would be with me at 6:15am after work. I knew different,  he thinks I believe he has work stuff in his locker and so didn’t need to come home .. but I let him believe he had fooled me! I didn’t care anymore , lose your job and it will just sum up everything you’ve done this whole year. Go spend night with her cos you don’t want to lose your ‘side chick’ .. I don’t care. She can have my sloppy seconds since we had sex just yesterday morning .. I’m done now!

It’s now gone midnight on Thursday night and obviously he hasn’t gone to work again! He may have attempted to come to my flat but he hasn’t called. His phone is probably still dead (since his charger is here) but I’m not calling him. I want him to stay as far away from me as possible. He’s going to need a change of clothes soon though, a bag out the window will have to be it.

Today he has shown me even his daughter or more promises will not make him stop being so selfish. Today is the first day he hasn’t seen her since she was born and he hasn’t even had the decency to call!! It highlights exactly the type of behaviour I’ve put up with since he came out of jail and I know I deserve better. My children deserve better and it’s about time I make sure that happens.

Health visitor visited today , my baby isn’t gaining weight. My breast milk isn’t as rich as it should be .. due to stress and not eating well. This has made me even more determined to fuck him off! He’s effecting our baby by treating me this way and he deserves absolutely no happiness from her at all. She is literally perfect and amazing and he’s already let her down countless times. 

Him being around me will go 1 of 2 ways he’ll charm me and get in my head or he’ll attack me for anything he sees fit. Most probably how I’m a bad mum and using our baby against him. He will not be getting in my flat .. he can fight me to see his baby and I cannot wait for the day he is genuinely crying and regretting every last single lie he’s told me and every time he laid a hand on me and every single vile word he has said to me!! I know he will, I know he’ll hate to see me move on and like I said I also know he won’t treat her any better than he did me. I can feel free!

For now yes I’m broken, devastated, hurt and gutted but I know I’m stronger than this. Stronger than him. I can move on knowing that he’s gone to her for the simple reason she’s believed his bullshit and I haven’t!! He can live with himself for the rest of his life for treating the mother of his child and his new baby this way and when he’s back in jail and has ALL that time to think he will realise and he will be the devastated one!!

I am a strong woman and I have 2 beautiful girls and I will be damned if they see anymore of this vile man. They will both look at me and be proud.

Super strong power mum! 😘

 

Posted in baby, breastfeeding, life, Newborn, Parenting, pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, Women

2 weeks old ❤️

Posted on by KerryLouise

My beautiful baby is now 2 weeks old. She is on a whole an absolute angel. Broken sleep is hard going but ‘touchwood’ each night I usually get at least a 4 hour sleep period. 

Monday night she didn’t settle until 5:30am I was an absolute zombie and everytime I heard from Dominic ‘babe she wants feeding again’ .. I could have hit him. Apparently around the 10 day old mark this happens .. growth spurt .. I was shocked!! Where had my good baby gone ?! Luckily she went back to her usual self the following evening and I even got 5 hours of continuous sleep. She will feed then go back to sleep with little fuss. It’s a dream! 


Last Friday I got my eldest back home. She’s been a gorgeous help to have around and she’s taken to being a big sister so well. They both just bring me so much joy ! Sunday was chill day and finding my two babies like this melted my heart.


14 days and my baby is still exclusively breastfed, feel so proud of myself especially since it’s been so difficult with sore nipples and fire boobs. I’ve began using the nipple shields, not on every feed but majority, this was on recommendation from a health visitor. They do help and a visit to the breastfeeding clinic also helped. Many nights have I felt like I wanted to grab a bottle but as soon as she’s latched on and feeding I absolutely love it! I’m not ready to give up yet! 

I have really suffered with fire boobs , I put it down to being engorged but after reading the internet I realised I needed a doctors appountment. I have mastitis, the anti-biotics have done wonders already and even knowing the pain was coming to an end soothed me. They constantly ached, I would feel shooting pains and now looking back I experienced chills and headaches, doctor confirmed I also had a temperature. I would walk around nearly crying with the pain and I’m adamant my boobs hurt more than my tummy that’s recovering from a c-section. Any of the symptoms ladies and make sure you get yourself to a doctors! Cabbage leaves did give me some relief 😉

Posted in life, pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, singlemum

Who knew … cabbage leaves !?

Posted on by KerryLouise

How is my baby 6 days old already ? These days are so precious and yet are going so fast. I’ve even looked at my beautiful baby and felt bad for moaning about being pregnant so much. I grew her , I kept her safe and look at how much joy she now brings.


I know I’m bias but she’s beautiful, I feel so blessed and daddy is absolutely still besotted by her. Yesterday at my mums comments were made on how you don’t know she’s here and my sister even said ‘when will she cry?’ She often fidgets like she’s about to but it never develops only when she’s hungry. It helps that she gets lots of cuddles too. 

My niece who is 4 held her for the majority of the day. She didn’t want to give her up , it was so lovely to see. So she has a big cousin AND a big sister … 


I got a bit emotional last night, my first daughter hasn’t spent the night here since I was admitted into hospital. As me and my mum dropped her back at her dads last night I did realise how much I’m missing her. All my attention has been on Ariana and I feel bad, but then I realise how much love I have for both of them and I well up. I have been so lucky that my daughters dad is a really good father he’s been very supportive in a time where many men may not have been. He’s been taking her to school, picking her up and his sister too has been great. All this support, I am so lucky! I really wonder how new mums do it who are not so lucky. I also couldn’t imagine having children close together, hats off to those mamas! My friend is off work tomorrow so she is happy to take me to do the school run. I am so excited to have her tomorrow night. My two babies ❤️

So the cabbage leaves!! Day 6 and I’m still exclusively breastfeeding, there’s still been tears and cries. Pain that makes you hold your breath. During the night last night I had thought again about just getting a bottle (luckily I do not have this option to tempt me in the middle of the night ) as even Dominic said should we just go to bottles. I know it’s not what I want but when she’s fighting the latch and then latching on and I feel the excruciating pain, whilst super tired! I feel it’s the way forward.

She latched really well this morning, but my left breast has been out of order for most of the day. As I was feeding, the health visitor called me and reiterated what others have said about cabbage leaves. I have instantly felt like it has made a difference, they are not as engorged and I don’t feel like I need to hold them for some relief. The health visitor recommended (although admitted that she shouldn’t be) nipple shields. I’ve used them today too and that has also provided some comfort . I haven’t always kept them on for the entire feed but it certainly helps with getting my nipple into the right shape with less uncomfortableness. Here’s hoping we are seeing the finish line in this pain!!


When she’s on me it really is the best feeling and my focus is that end goal! 

10:15pm and I’m dropping asleep already! The half a packet of biscuits haven’t helped and that’s very naughty of me! I weighed myself yesterday .. 4 stone up even still! 

Oh well! I’ll lose it 💪🏼

 

Posted in Birth story, life, pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, singlemum, Women

The boobs are in … 

Posted on by KerryLouise

And omg they hurt today!! I’ve managed to hand express for relief of some pressure but I’ve been breastfeeding with tears, gasps and a lot of ouchies this evening. 

I wrote a post previously on breastfeeding and how I hoped to do it. Not going to lie after that labour, my thoughts on that operating table were ‘I cannot be bothered.’ That sounds awful but I meant in the sense that I was physically emotionally and mentally drained. My previous experience of breastfeeding sparked the fears that that pressure and heartache would only continue, luckily I was wrong and the little dream took to me like straight away. She continued to amaze me all day with her minimal cries and long lengths of continuous sleep. Wow! Is this really a newborn?! My first was so colicky, sicky, unsettled and demanding this one left me thinking I needed to watch her sleep!!

I spent the weekend in hospital .. Saturday morning the thought of going home made me cry. Dominic spent the day with me until other visitors were allowed . He showered me and helped me with Ariana, I felt I could sleep better that way. I mean I know I said she was amazing but Friday night she made up for all those hours with a lot of feeding. I was up till about 4:30am feeding and cuddling.

Saturday night was worse. I was definitely more tired and she didn’t settle till about 5:30! I do usually (I say usually but she is only 3 days old) then get a 4/5 hour sleep from her. Dom went out Saturday night, it doesn’t bother me .. but I was texting him saying how he needed to come same time next day as I was so exhausted. He promised! That didn’t happen! He kept falling asleep or missing my calls.. 1pm he showed. Not good enough 😡 … he tells me he didn’t even stay out late, and I fully understand he hasn’t had much sleep either over last few days but I needed him. He needs to prioritise. 

Even by Sunday afternoon I was still in a bad way. I wanted to go home to have more help during the night but I was scared of how little I couldn’t get around. By 7:30pm I was on my way home .. not without tears tho. Still unable to cough or laugh without feeling a deep pain in my stomach and I was having a lot of after labour pains too. 

When I woke this morning I knew I had done the right thing. Dominic was like a dream come true , we shared the load during the night (obviously minus the feeding) and I got some proper sleep and felt more comfortable all round. 

Tonight Dominic has been a different story but my blog isn’t about his up and downs of extreme behaviour it’s about me and my baby. All we need to say here is one night won’t make him a father. I did tell him not to come back tonight but that doesn’t make it ok for him to not answer his phone!! I still find it difficult to get out of bed ffs! 

I’m going to attempt a walk tomorrow. My stomach has gone down slightly .. on Friday I felt fatter than I did at full term pregnancy ! So this is progress! 

Her last feed went ok apart from initial latch .. I’m dredding the next feed. I do hope she gives me few hours 😩, literally falling asleep as I type 🙈

I leave with a picture of my world .. and really they are only who matter ..

Posted in Birth story, life, pregnancy, pregnant, Women

My beauty born 16/09/16 ❤️ Birth story 👶🏽🍼 8:12am 8lb 3oz 

Posted on by KerryLouise

My baby is now over 72 hours old and I’m actually besotted by her. I finally have the energy to update my blog and tell my story. Although I’m feeling pretty emotional this morning.

Ok so that all important birth story! I had a pessary put in for 24 hours which came out at 6:10pm on Thursday 15th September. I thought that was uncomfortable being inserted, that was nothing compared to what was to come.

By 8pm I was contracting ever 7 minutes which was something!! Completely manageable mild ones just like period pains. I was pleased my body had done something after the pessary and I was quite comfortable sat in the TV room with Dom rather than being on the hot ward. He bought me chicken nuggets as I hadn’t eaten but knew I should try something!


At 10pm labour ward was ready for me and my midwife Sam was absolutely amazing. I was so pleased she was by my side the whole time talking me through it all.


The next step was to have my waters broken. OMG that was soooo uncomfortable .. I do not remember it being like that with Courtney. My midwife explained she couldn’t get to them because cervix was still so high. I had my legs in stirrups and bum in the air and I was squeezing Doms hand sooo much . Not pleasant!!

My waters eventually went during contractions and I was given a 2 hour time frame to be put on drip if contractions were not at least a frequency of 3 in 10 mins. So at 02:30am I went on the drip and it was by then I had to start on the gas and air. I knew sat down I would need pain relief. I had managed previously by standing, deep breathing and Dom Rubbing my back etc. I wanted to hold off on the gas and air for as long as poss. Knowing I didn’t want an epidural I was pacing myself so it would remain effective. I will still only 2cm!
Anyway the contractions were painful yes but I was doing so well with the gas and just breathing!! They got to a point where I was making noise during each one too tho. I still could picture Dominic dosing off at times and in between contractions I screamed ‘get that boy a coffee’. He told me I seemed OK making elephant noises with the gas and air in my hand 😂. I could still see in his face how he was happy it was me not him going through this lol.

Contractions started to come thick and fast .. Every half hour the drug was increased for the contractions and boy did I know it. I remember Dom, my mum and midwife stood up round my bed. I was completely out of it and then all of a sudden they got Dom to hit panic button and I just remember being wheeled into theatre so quick !  Like a million people! I later learned that this was at about 6am. The head rest on the bed came down, my gas and air was taken off me, I just saw the lights on the ceiling and people dressed in blue whilst I was rapidly being pushed into a big open scary room. It makes me emotional thinking about it. I was so so scared. My mum was crying, I was balling. Dom looked like he had seen a ghost and I was so scared and disappointed I was about to have a c-section. I was just begging them to help me! They got Dom gowned up and they were struggling to get spinal in me for the anaesthetic. He had to wait outside for this bit but I kept asking where he was. Twice I had people tell me how he was outside and has told them to tell me that I can do it and to stay brave. That made me cry.

The spinal wasn’t going in. Contractions with no gas and air were complete hell. In that time her heart rate had increased and so I was given the option to go back to the room and attempt a natural delivery again. I said yes please. It was like music to my ears! I felt like someone was by my side and I knew  I could do it. I was then confronted with another question ‘did I want an epidural’ .. As I was already in theatre. I was wondering that if I had one maybe I could cope with the pain more and my baby wouldn’t suffer. I was saying yes then saying no, Dominic told me that someone said to him he may need to make the decision for me to which he replied saying ‘she’s always said no.’ My amazing midwife came to the rescue I heard her say how she feels I am being pressurised into something I have said I absolutely didn’t want to do and that we would all make the decision when we got back to the room. What a star.

We got back to the room and finally I could see my mum and Dom again. My mum had been crying and Dom just kept saying how proud he was of me.

I had been taken of the serotonin drip and so they wanted to see if I still needed it, half hour went by … And I did. The contractions then got soooo ridiculous, this is when I first started feeling them in my back. It was becoming increasingly more difficult to remain calm but I was trying. Trying so hard! Being told I was no longer allowed pethedin because of babies heartbeat only made me worse and my body just over took. On every contraction I wanted to push, internals showed that still not ALL my waters had gone and I was only 8cm so totally not ready to be pushing! The pain in my back was out of this world and pushing seemed the only thing I could do. It’s like an uncontrollable urge , unexplainable. Everyone was saying Kerry you can’t push she’s getting distressed but omg I literally couldn’t help it’ soooo fucking crazy. I told everyone they didn’t understand and they should stop talking to me because I was getting angry. 🙈My midwife just said ‘OK darlin’. I did feel bad.

It wasn’t long before the doctors were back in the room and I knew it wasn’t going to end well. I pleaded with them that I just couldn’t do it anymore !! Begging them to help me. Omg the pain. I tried all fours where I did lose more waters but I still wanted to push. I could not stop it just could not!! So once again I was rushed into theatre and even then the trauma didn’t end. Once again they just couldn’t get the spinal in me. It was the longest 20 Mins (if even that long) of my life as was still contracting (and body was pushing like I needed a poo) and I couldn’t cope. My midwife had changed but I could see in her eyes she was just as caring and I even sensed she wanted to cry with me! Holding my hands through contractions listening to my pleas. I no longer cared how the baby was coming out of me I needed that pain to stop! All these people in blue scrubs around me telling me I needed to stay dead still , and Dom,  Who wasn’t allowed in the room again at this point could hear me just screaming’ ‘just put me to sleep I can’t do this anymore’ .. Eventually spinal went in and instantly I felt nothing then the gutted feeling took over me again …  I didn’t do it naturally. 😢

It turns out she got stuck too so was our only option. My mum said she was so emotional and she felt like she couldn’t cope and Dom said he’d never been so scared in all his life. If pregnancy hasn’t put me off for another one then labour defo has.

When she was cut out of me I could hear her little cries. Dominic then was just crying uncontrollably , I was still in shock, panic and feeling too overwhelmed over the whole ordeal. I was shaking like mad too which apparently is normal. We felt like she wasn’t being brought over to us in quick enough time either and I couldn’t believe it would take 30 minutes to be stitched back up. Still laying there so gutted! I even made that 2nd attempt and failed .. Felt so sorry for myself .


Delivering vaginally is 100% a nicer experience , I still remember pushing Courtney out and seeing her before I heard her. Instant skin on skin contact, the pain gone and love just feels your body instantly. My experience this time was I felt almost a little detached from my baby. Gutted Dom didn’t get to cut the court but I didn’t even get to hold her until I was stitched up. I could see Dom though, he felt that love. Enough love for both of us. He showed me her face and I felt unsure  ‘was she my baby’ .. It didn’t feel real.

When I was wheeled on to the ward it was then I felt that love. Still disappointed yes but I was coming to terms with it. She was absolutely beautiful after all and I had made her. My special little princess. ❤️👶🏽

Posted in life, pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, Women

40+4 and still waiting … 

Posted on by KerryLouise


I was hoping the pessary would have got me going , no such luck. It’s been in 22 hours now, 2 more hours and it’ll be labour ward time for a drip and to have my waters broken!  Well at least when they are free for me!! I’ve had a few tightenings but nothing to get excited about and all I can think about is how bloody hot it is! Literally sweating, how am I meant to give birth in this heat ?? 

My mum is bringing my eldest daughter to come see me, can’t wait to give her a hug. Can’t lie I feel scared about going through labour again, especially knowing once again my baby is back to back and I’m being induced. Last time without an epidural and apparently that makes me a tough cookie! I want to go without again!! 

It’s bloody boring laying here. No energy to do anything else tho. 

I just want my baby in my arms! 

Posted in pregnancy, pregnant

My baby is coming !! 

Posted on by KerryLouise

Well I never expected this today. 

After a really healthy pregnancy this time compared to one with my 8 year old, I had hoped on a natural birth. I wanted a water birth in the midwife led unit. I wanted to experience what it felt like to go into labour at home and time my contractions on the app I had downloaded. 

No such luck ! 

Stretch and sweep this morning wasn’t as uncomfortable as I expected but with my cervix still so high I don’t think it was done as well as the midwife thought! It has once again been a stifling day, 30 degrees I believe and the community midwife was not happy with my increased blood pressure of 156/82. I put it down to the weather and didn’t think the visit to the maternity day unit would see me in a hospital bed tonight!  

Blood pressure was increasing at day unit and so they were quite quick to just recommend an induction. My initial reaction wasn’t a good one, my dream was shattered BUT it means less anxiety about WHEN it’s going to happen. No more waiting and soon my beautiful baby girl will be here.

My best friend and boyfriend worked well together today to get me sorted. Couldn’t have asked for better ❤️. My bags weren’t packed and even though I had intentions to do it before I came here the heat just put me off and I thought ‘I’ll just do it later.’ 

It’s 10pm now and I’m in a room on my own , 3 other empty beds, but have just witnessed a lady leave for labour ward. They’ve stuck the monitor on me for a bit again and then can try get some sleep. 

It’s still a waiting game,  they inserted the pessary at about 6pm. Boy that was uncomfortable … And now I just wait to see if anything happens. Unlikely tonight though I’m pretty sure about that. 

Eeeek baby is coming! 

Posted in pregnancy, pregnant

40 + 2 

Posted on by KerryLouise

Excuse the unmade bed but here I am still pregnant! Comments about how high I still am are not helping either ! Meh! 

Sex again last night , and had a walk this evening (not far but a bit) in bloody 30 degree heat! 

I even had a glass of presecco at a friends bbq this evening as alcohol has been commented on to help relax. Nothing as of yet! Discharge has increased and tightenings continue but still nothing REAL.

Stretch and sweep tomorrow morning .. Dominic is coming with me which I am pleased about. Not looking forward to it but I am in the sense of what could happen after. 

Come on baby girl I want to meet you!!! 👶🏽

Posted in pregnancy, pregnant, relationships

40 + 1

Posted on by KerryLouise


I knew it just knew it, I would go over! 

Saturday night I got some pains that scared me, made me feel not ready. Reminder of what’s to come! They bloody hurt , it was 8 years ago I did it but I still remember !! 

They didn’t develop. 

I didn’t sleep too well last night. Woke numerous time then at about 3 I actually got up to watch a bit of TV. It’s nice having a cuddly sleeper in my bed but he does have a habit of laying right in the middle of the bed .. And when I’m this size I need more blimming room!! Restless legs were bad through the night too! 

Trying to just take each day as it comes. I have a stretch and sweep booked for Wednesday so hopefully that may get things moving. 

Dominic has started a new job today, they have cleared 2 weeks paternity as soon as baby as arrived but he’s on training this week so would be nice for him to get this week out the way before she is here. 

Laying on the sofa this morning just chilling I do think how nice it is for me to do this knowing I’m still growing my baby but when it comes to just normal tasks it’s pretty hellish! Breathless, aching and my face is very swollen! 

Oh baby girl when are you coming ??? 

Posted in pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, Singlemum, Uncategorized

ONE WEEK TO GO!!!

Posted on by KerryLouise

I go from wanting her here like ASAP to being ok about there still being time left. I am getting the odd tightenings but nothing major still.

I went for breakfast this morning with two other pregnant women, we spoke about men and their dealings with pregnant women. On a whole yes they are rubbish, they don’t get it.. they continue their care free life of going out and getting drunk whilst us women have to be a mother as soon as we get that positive pregnancy test. It is hard work. I found my self almost blaming myself for not handling this right. Justifying all his actions, my screaming and shouting maybe made him behave the way he has. I found an old diary I had my made when I was pregnant with my first and it was pretty similar. I don’t do pregnant well and unless I want who doesn’t have a life then this is never going to work. There is a happy medium though right?

After last night I thought we had it sorted. We don’t. We really don’t. As he held me in his arms and asked if he could stay over the following night, telling me I have nothing to worry about, how he’s handled all this wrong and I’m going to see such a difference when the baby is here. He also told me he’ll cook for me and spend the afternoon together the following day. I told him ‘we’ll see’ to the staying over but agreed to being cooked for.

I knew his timing of midday was never going to materialise. I also assumed he was never going to cook for me. I called him at half 1 and was cool and cheery. Explained I would cook and asked if it was ok if he bought some grated cheese with him. He replied saying ‘probably not, I’ll just forget’ … I just laughed and said oh ok I’ll get it. At 10 to 6 I called to find out when he was coming and he answered saying babe let me call you back, again I bit my tongue and accepted it. 6:30 I called back as still no return call. He explained he would be with me at 8:30… again I was pleasant and didn’t react. Often I’ve reacted in the past and it does nothing other than get me so wound up I could burst. Well it’s now midnight and not so much of a text. When will I fucking learn??? I don’t even get angry anymore… I just feel hurt. Hurt and ashamed. So thankful this nightmare is almost over, I honestly don’t think he realises what he has done. He talks about all this love he has for me, but lets face it what bullshit. Complete and utter bullshit. You don’t treat someone you love like this. The only person he loves is himself.

This kind of thing has happened on a weekly basis. One would just assume he was cheating on me, he is so convincing when I ask him. I have no reason to doubt him since I know his lifestyle.

Please give me that strength to not say things like ‘I miss you’… because what the hell do I miss? …. I should not say ‘I love you too’…. he is not worthy of my love. He doesn’t deserve this child I am carrying and when he finally wakes up and realises this I hope his heart breaks just as much as mine has. He says I did that when he was inside, BUT this kind of behaviour went on long before he even went to prison. He’s been like this since day 1. Why the fuck did I ever stand by him??

You live and learn and at least I get another gorgeous little baby girl ❤