Category: relationships

Posted in life, pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, singlemum

Who knew … cabbage leaves !?

Posted on by KerryLouise

How is my baby 6 days old already ? These days are so precious and yet are going so fast. I’ve even looked at my beautiful baby and felt bad for moaning about being pregnant so much. I grew her , I kept her safe and look at how much joy she now brings.


I know I’m bias but she’s beautiful, I feel so blessed and daddy is absolutely still besotted by her. Yesterday at my mums comments were made on how you don’t know she’s here and my sister even said ‘when will she cry?’ She often fidgets like she’s about to but it never develops only when she’s hungry. It helps that she gets lots of cuddles too. 

My niece who is 4 held her for the majority of the day. She didn’t want to give her up , it was so lovely to see. So she has a big cousin AND a big sister … 


I got a bit emotional last night, my first daughter hasn’t spent the night here since I was admitted into hospital. As me and my mum dropped her back at her dads last night I did realise how much I’m missing her. All my attention has been on Ariana and I feel bad, but then I realise how much love I have for both of them and I well up. I have been so lucky that my daughters dad is a really good father he’s been very supportive in a time where many men may not have been. He’s been taking her to school, picking her up and his sister too has been great. All this support, I am so lucky! I really wonder how new mums do it who are not so lucky. I also couldn’t imagine having children close together, hats off to those mamas! My friend is off work tomorrow so she is happy to take me to do the school run. I am so excited to have her tomorrow night. My two babies ❤️

So the cabbage leaves!! Day 6 and I’m still exclusively breastfeeding, there’s still been tears and cries. Pain that makes you hold your breath. During the night last night I had thought again about just getting a bottle (luckily I do not have this option to tempt me in the middle of the night ) as even Dominic said should we just go to bottles. I know it’s not what I want but when she’s fighting the latch and then latching on and I feel the excruciating pain, whilst super tired! I feel it’s the way forward.

She latched really well this morning, but my left breast has been out of order for most of the day. As I was feeding, the health visitor called me and reiterated what others have said about cabbage leaves. I have instantly felt like it has made a difference, they are not as engorged and I don’t feel like I need to hold them for some relief. The health visitor recommended (although admitted that she shouldn’t be) nipple shields. I’ve used them today too and that has also provided some comfort . I haven’t always kept them on for the entire feed but it certainly helps with getting my nipple into the right shape with less uncomfortableness. Here’s hoping we are seeing the finish line in this pain!!


When she’s on me it really is the best feeling and my focus is that end goal! 

10:15pm and I’m dropping asleep already! The half a packet of biscuits haven’t helped and that’s very naughty of me! I weighed myself yesterday .. 4 stone up even still! 

Oh well! I’ll lose it 💪🏼

 

Posted in Birth story, life, pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, singlemum, Women

The boobs are in … 

Posted on by KerryLouise

And omg they hurt today!! I’ve managed to hand express for relief of some pressure but I’ve been breastfeeding with tears, gasps and a lot of ouchies this evening. 

I wrote a post previously on breastfeeding and how I hoped to do it. Not going to lie after that labour, my thoughts on that operating table were ‘I cannot be bothered.’ That sounds awful but I meant in the sense that I was physically emotionally and mentally drained. My previous experience of breastfeeding sparked the fears that that pressure and heartache would only continue, luckily I was wrong and the little dream took to me like straight away. She continued to amaze me all day with her minimal cries and long lengths of continuous sleep. Wow! Is this really a newborn?! My first was so colicky, sicky, unsettled and demanding this one left me thinking I needed to watch her sleep!!

I spent the weekend in hospital .. Saturday morning the thought of going home made me cry. Dominic spent the day with me until other visitors were allowed . He showered me and helped me with Ariana, I felt I could sleep better that way. I mean I know I said she was amazing but Friday night she made up for all those hours with a lot of feeding. I was up till about 4:30am feeding and cuddling.

Saturday night was worse. I was definitely more tired and she didn’t settle till about 5:30! I do usually (I say usually but she is only 3 days old) then get a 4/5 hour sleep from her. Dom went out Saturday night, it doesn’t bother me .. but I was texting him saying how he needed to come same time next day as I was so exhausted. He promised! That didn’t happen! He kept falling asleep or missing my calls.. 1pm he showed. Not good enough 😡 … he tells me he didn’t even stay out late, and I fully understand he hasn’t had much sleep either over last few days but I needed him. He needs to prioritise. 

Even by Sunday afternoon I was still in a bad way. I wanted to go home to have more help during the night but I was scared of how little I couldn’t get around. By 7:30pm I was on my way home .. not without tears tho. Still unable to cough or laugh without feeling a deep pain in my stomach and I was having a lot of after labour pains too. 

When I woke this morning I knew I had done the right thing. Dominic was like a dream come true , we shared the load during the night (obviously minus the feeding) and I got some proper sleep and felt more comfortable all round. 

Tonight Dominic has been a different story but my blog isn’t about his up and downs of extreme behaviour it’s about me and my baby. All we need to say here is one night won’t make him a father. I did tell him not to come back tonight but that doesn’t make it ok for him to not answer his phone!! I still find it difficult to get out of bed ffs! 

I’m going to attempt a walk tomorrow. My stomach has gone down slightly .. on Friday I felt fatter than I did at full term pregnancy ! So this is progress! 

Her last feed went ok apart from initial latch .. I’m dredding the next feed. I do hope she gives me few hours 😩, literally falling asleep as I type 🙈

I leave with a picture of my world .. and really they are only who matter ..

Posted in life, pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, Women

40+4 and still waiting … 

Posted on by KerryLouise


I was hoping the pessary would have got me going , no such luck. It’s been in 22 hours now, 2 more hours and it’ll be labour ward time for a drip and to have my waters broken!  Well at least when they are free for me!! I’ve had a few tightenings but nothing to get excited about and all I can think about is how bloody hot it is! Literally sweating, how am I meant to give birth in this heat ?? 

My mum is bringing my eldest daughter to come see me, can’t wait to give her a hug. Can’t lie I feel scared about going through labour again, especially knowing once again my baby is back to back and I’m being induced. Last time without an epidural and apparently that makes me a tough cookie! I want to go without again!! 

It’s bloody boring laying here. No energy to do anything else tho. 

I just want my baby in my arms! 

Posted in pregnancy, pregnant, relationships

40 + 1

Posted on by KerryLouise


I knew it just knew it, I would go over! 

Saturday night I got some pains that scared me, made me feel not ready. Reminder of what’s to come! They bloody hurt , it was 8 years ago I did it but I still remember !! 

They didn’t develop. 

I didn’t sleep too well last night. Woke numerous time then at about 3 I actually got up to watch a bit of TV. It’s nice having a cuddly sleeper in my bed but he does have a habit of laying right in the middle of the bed .. And when I’m this size I need more blimming room!! Restless legs were bad through the night too! 

Trying to just take each day as it comes. I have a stretch and sweep booked for Wednesday so hopefully that may get things moving. 

Dominic has started a new job today, they have cleared 2 weeks paternity as soon as baby as arrived but he’s on training this week so would be nice for him to get this week out the way before she is here. 

Laying on the sofa this morning just chilling I do think how nice it is for me to do this knowing I’m still growing my baby but when it comes to just normal tasks it’s pretty hellish! Breathless, aching and my face is very swollen! 

Oh baby girl when are you coming ??? 

Posted in pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, Singlemum, Uncategorized

ONE WEEK TO GO!!!

Posted on by KerryLouise

I go from wanting her here like ASAP to being ok about there still being time left. I am getting the odd tightenings but nothing major still.

I went for breakfast this morning with two other pregnant women, we spoke about men and their dealings with pregnant women. On a whole yes they are rubbish, they don’t get it.. they continue their care free life of going out and getting drunk whilst us women have to be a mother as soon as we get that positive pregnancy test. It is hard work. I found my self almost blaming myself for not handling this right. Justifying all his actions, my screaming and shouting maybe made him behave the way he has. I found an old diary I had my made when I was pregnant with my first and it was pretty similar. I don’t do pregnant well and unless I want who doesn’t have a life then this is never going to work. There is a happy medium though right?

After last night I thought we had it sorted. We don’t. We really don’t. As he held me in his arms and asked if he could stay over the following night, telling me I have nothing to worry about, how he’s handled all this wrong and I’m going to see such a difference when the baby is here. He also told me he’ll cook for me and spend the afternoon together the following day. I told him ‘we’ll see’ to the staying over but agreed to being cooked for.

I knew his timing of midday was never going to materialise. I also assumed he was never going to cook for me. I called him at half 1 and was cool and cheery. Explained I would cook and asked if it was ok if he bought some grated cheese with him. He replied saying ‘probably not, I’ll just forget’ … I just laughed and said oh ok I’ll get it. At 10 to 6 I called to find out when he was coming and he answered saying babe let me call you back, again I bit my tongue and accepted it. 6:30 I called back as still no return call. He explained he would be with me at 8:30… again I was pleasant and didn’t react. Often I’ve reacted in the past and it does nothing other than get me so wound up I could burst. Well it’s now midnight and not so much of a text. When will I fucking learn??? I don’t even get angry anymore… I just feel hurt. Hurt and ashamed. So thankful this nightmare is almost over, I honestly don’t think he realises what he has done. He talks about all this love he has for me, but lets face it what bullshit. Complete and utter bullshit. You don’t treat someone you love like this. The only person he loves is himself.

This kind of thing has happened on a weekly basis. One would just assume he was cheating on me, he is so convincing when I ask him. I have no reason to doubt him since I know his lifestyle.

Please give me that strength to not say things like ‘I miss you’… because what the hell do I miss? …. I should not say ‘I love you too’…. he is not worthy of my love. He doesn’t deserve this child I am carrying and when he finally wakes up and realises this I hope his heart breaks just as much as mine has. He says I did that when he was inside, BUT this kind of behaviour went on long before he even went to prison. He’s been like this since day 1. Why the fuck did I ever stand by him??

You live and learn and at least I get another gorgeous little baby girl ❤

 

Posted in pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, Uncategorized

8 days to go!!

Posted on by KerryLouise

After my post last night I felt quite strong, I had laid it all out and felt positive I could get through it no matter the outcome. Then I wake up…. I try call him around 10am and no answer so instantly I feel shit again. I want to send him a message just going mad but I just need to realise that that doesn’t get me anywhere. I knew he’d be sleeping but it still gets to me as i’m thinking ‘what if I was in labour.’ My friend said I do need to chill, and I agree. When he finally got back to me about 12:30 you could tell he was expecting a reaction from me, but I didn’t give it… I was calm.

This evening we spoke abit before we went to the cinema, he’s assured me that all the wild crazy thoughts of what he gets up to is just that. Crazy and wild. My fear of him returning to prison has made me into someone he rather not be around and his thoughts of me with someone else has made him want to hurt me the way he felt hurt. It’s all been a mess.

Anyway obviously I understand that this can all be words. I’m under no illusion that he may still continue like this when she’s here but I have to just see what happens. My focus is and still will be me and my girls. Although I am gagging for a night out , a bit of party therapy may stop me from being so bitter about other people being able to drink haha.

Feet feel swollen tonight… having a few tightening’s and lower cramps but I’m not getting my hopes up. Still full of a cold, Doctor told me it would be cleared up by weekend. Well Doc ….. its still here!! MEH!!

I found my old Slimming World book today during some more nesting as they call it. Basically my waist when Courtney was 6 weeks old is the same size it is now at 39 weeks pregnant. I cannot believe how different this pregnancy has been. I’m excited for her to be here and for the weight loss challenge.

 

Posted in pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, Singlemum, Uncategorized

9 days to GOOO!!

Posted on by KerryLouise

It’s after midnight so i could technically say 8 even, although I’m pretty sure she won’t be coming early. With scan bringing me forward anyway by 4 days and well just my luck really to end up going over and have to be induced. 23rd September is my date for that joyous event, so any thing between now and then is just a waiting game.

I haven’t wrote in a good while. To be honest I feared this blog would turn into just one big moan and whinge about my relationship. It would highlight things that I really needed to do and I wasn’t quite ready. I even still don’t want to go in to everything because that isn’t why I started this blog but I need to get this down. We’ve been through a lot as a couple, a prison sentence being the main obstacle, then upon his release I got pregnant very quickly. It hasn’t been enjoyable at all and I am half the person I was this time last year. Well double in terms of weight of course.

I’ve given him the benefit of the doubt on numerous occasions, numerous being an understatement! Yet he’s persistently treated me badly with disappearing acts, being unreachable, going out for an hour and ending up a drunken mess at my door at 4/5/6am. His attitude has stank and more often than that he blames me for everything. Despite me being completely honest about a man I met during his prison sentence, and him even knowing before he came out he still told me he meant everything he said whilst inside. I was his world, he wanted to marry me and other things he promised. It didn’t last long, I’ve listened to how I don’t deserve to be treated well because of what I did to him and how I’m a slag basically. Unforgivable words if I’m completely honest and they still play on my mind now.

What has made this all the more difficult is that after every argument, every disappearing act, or times he has been mentally vile to me I get the real nice side. He’s sorry, he can’t lose me (I’ve begged for him to let me go) , he’s going to change, it won’t ever happen again…. and rather than us taking some time apart to start again within minutes he’s forgotten exactly what he’s done and said and we go back to the nice normal. Until the next episode that is… which is never long! Now I’m no angel, I don’t pretend to be… he says these things… I see red. I use words to hurt him back and it’s just been completely toxic. He’s just betrayed me so much, can’t hold a job down and I fear he will end up back in jail and that is something I put my complete faith into not doing when I stuck by him. I’ve supported him as much as physically possibly but he throws it back in my face.

I also hold my hands up I’ve been weak, he’s made me feel so low, SO SO low but due to the situation (mainly me being pregnant) when he’s making it up to me I have to embrace it to cling on to that happiness. The love is still insane, I’m sure anyone from the outside can tell me why put up with all that ? But when you love someone THIS much you cling on to every word and believe them and even at the times I HATE him … like hate him so much I just want to protect him and try and guide him. It’s a mess, I wish I hadn’t met him at times, I’ve often thought ‘what the hell have I done’ in terms of the pregnancy and I hate how he’s made me feel, but then on the other side he’s my best friend. He does have such a good heart and no one has ever made me feel as loved as he has. The extremes are too much.

It has made no sense why he would spend the hours talking to me, always getting to the ‘root’ of the problem for it to just happen again and before we know it were having the same chat again. I honestly believe him leaving me would have been easier. Yes hurt at first but this constant up then heartbreak, has broken me. Each time he does something it breaks my heart a little more. Since 2013 (when I’ve met him) during his arrest, court case, prison sentence and now this I could easily go the rest of my life without a single tear. I’ve cried enough!

Anyway more recently enough has been enough, we are apart. To be honest weekends feel no different as he barely spent any with me anyway, he’d tell me he would but then get ‘tied up’ and stumble in at stupid o clock often me being awake all night. Half expecting him to try tomorrow morning, he did last Saturday morning. Putting my buzzer on private doesn’t work, he just throws things at my window to either wake me up or get my attention. I then let him in like a weak fool!

I know many men can go crazy when girlfriends/wives get pregnant, we are also a massive exception to any rule since we’ve had no time to be ‘US’. He got his freedom back, I lost mine…. he’s taken full advantage that he knows I’m not going anywhere and I’m wondering if all this is even something I can forgive?!

His promises has now changed to when baby is here, I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt AGAIN. I will see how he is when she is here, if he continues like this he does not deserve a relationship with this baby. He will say I’m bitter and using her against him, I say it’s me protecting my daughter from a man who may or may not be in her life or it is as when he chooses. Babies don’t need part time dads who want to be out on road all the time, or partying all weekend, or even risking their freedom, they need stability, love and lots of involvement!

In terms of our relationship, this week he has been a bit colder. Hasn’t been his usual self in trying to ‘make it up to me’, he’s taken a step back but he still stands by that he wants me, he wants us to try. We haven’t spoke in great detail, but has made comments about how I’m crazy. Does he still fail to see that it’s been him? Treat me like this… I get crazy…. It’s not rocket science.

I go from wanting him so bad to thinking I just possibly couldn’t forgive him for all what has happened. Knowing his charm though I think as long as he does change and do as he says when she’s here then he’ll have me smitten again. I am ADAMANT in the fact that anymore of this fuckery then it’s over. I love him, but I love myself and my baby girls more. Only so many life lines you can give someone and it won’t be long until I’m back to the old confident me and it will be him who wakes up and realises what he has done. Maybe not in a few weeks but one day. Everyone who knows the situation (not many) but they all say the same…. including his mother. He won’t get better than me, and even if I do see him with someone else… I’ll know she’ll just be putting up with the same shit I did and honestly if he couldn’t be a better man for me and his daughter he won’t do it for anyone.

It’s so hard admitting you was wrong about someone, or even admitting that the man you were so in love with could possibly treat you like this during pregnancy. I’ve often felt ashamed, felt like maybe it was me, felt like an idiot for even getting pregnant by such a douche in the first place and seriously NO ONE has known how bad its been…. NO ONE!

What doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger and ok I didn’t plan my life to be single with two children by two different dads but that does not mean I can’t find happiness one day. Definitely put off men for a long long time though, and pregnancy well NO WAY! Just NO!! I’ll have my two girls, I have my independence and I have my career and life to focus on. I’m 30, it’s still young really. It’s going to be ok.

 

 

Posted in pregnancy, pregnant, relationships

35 day countdown! 

Posted on by KerryLouise


Today marks me at 35 weeks pregnant! Eeeek! We are sooo nearly there now. I am SO ready , yet our home really isn’t ! 
The weekend has been a good one but I must admit I feel like I’ve just done a week in Ibiza! I’m exhausted !! 

I was up early Saturday morning all set to drive to London with the boy to see his family. It was his sisters birthday and so their was a family BBQ. I didn’t sleep great on Friday night after being woke by one of the stupid neighbours in the street at 2am but Dominic had just worked a night shift so him sleeping in the car didn’t make me mad and in fact it was quite nice to have some peace. He’s the worst back seat driver ever and honestly if he was sleeping due to being out on the lash it would have made my blood boil!!! Luckily that wasn’t the case so it was a calm drive , until we reached London THEN I get wound up with the traffic. Dom had the right idea by sleeping to avoid my traffic induced mood. I continually mutter how much I hate London and that never bodes well with a London boy apparently! I’m also unsure whether I got done by a red light camera. God dammit! Will have to wait and see on that one but yeh I’m sure if he was awake I would have been vile company after that. 

He then had a sleep when we got to his mums and I chilled with his mum for a bit and had my laptop. I then agreed to go to Victoria to pick up his Grandma. She’s a sweet lady, love her strong Jamaican accent and it was interesting hearing her views on many things in the car on the way back to Camberwell. 

I started to feel a little bitter when Dom was drinking his alcohol and all I could enjoy was a Pineapple KA. However I still bit my tongue to avoid me starting anything due to me being miserable jealous and pregnant! He was a nice drunk though, that I can handle. Started talking a lot of rubbish still but it was nice rubbish (if that is possible) and he was very loving. So I soon accepted that women just have the raw end of the deal, bloody men! 

Acid reflux was bad last night. Made me sick again. I rather just get it up than feel it in my throat. My friend and I joked today about how many anti-indigestion tablets I’ve purchased this pregnancy. She suggested about 100, Emily does like to exaggerate … But it could well be close. 

Dom was upset when I left him in London this morning, but I had to be back for my baby shower. The roads were so much clearer this morning, I like London like that. I get to my destination for the right time and I remain calm. We like calm Kerry. Calm Kerry is positive. I even remained super calm when we had 45 minutes to make all the sandwiches and cook the mini pizzas. Why do I remain so calm in stressful situations and even see the funny side with my friends but with my boyfriend I turn into the devil?! Hmm I need to work on that. Everything came together though and I couldn’t feel more lucky and happy this evening. 


Dom’s still in London though and I miss him, oh and my feet are defo beginning to swell now! Maybe that’s more due to the hot weekend and lack of sleep. 


I’ve had friends drive from London and from Birmingham today and some of the words written for me really made me well up. I’m so lucky and baby Ariana is already so loved! 

Now an overload of pictures:


Me and my 3 younger sisters. Using the baby balloon to cover the baby bump. 


Just a selection of the wonderful gifts from my amazing friends. 


35 week bump and my 7 year old daughter, who when filled out my prediction card wrote that I would be in labour for 7 days ! Cheers kid! 

35 days to gooooo! 💗

Posted in pregnancy, pregnant, relationships

If you need a job doing ..

Posted on by KerryLouise


… Then do it yourself !! 

I’ve adopted a new tactic. I no longer get on at him I just make back up plans ha.

Yesterday I needed him back for a certain time to watch Courtney. I decided to have a back up babysitter in case he was late so it would avoid any arguments. Bloody called my bluff didn’t he and he was on time. Today I rang him and said ‘is painting today a myth’ , he laughed and said ‘is that the only reason why you rang.’ I remained calm and said it was all ok. 

I then went and done it myself haha, not going to lie I did feel the pain once I was reaching high and low and I was glad when the wall was done but pretty proud of my self now ! 


Ok so it needs another coat .. But that’s normal right?! Hmm maybe the picture highlights it’s flaws more haha. But Dominic was impressed and said he’ll do the second coat first thing in the morning when he finishes work. (We’ll see) I feel confident in doing the other walls now though since they are just ‘Almond Crush’ … I’ve got this!! 

I’m feeling less anxious about him holding a job down this week. It was silly of me before to get myself so worked up about him getting to work on time. He is an adult! I must remember this. He also seems very enthused about work this week and happy. When he’s happy his vibe is happy , before he went to work he said ‘Can’t wait to meet that beautiful little girl’ and ‘ I love you both so much.’ 

Is all our past finally behind us ?! I hope so! ​

Posted in pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, Uncategorized

40 days to go! 

Posted on by KerryLouise

Mood: Irritable as hell 

Seriously I’ve been in a foul mood today! Foul! The boyfriend doesn’t help because he rises to it, and makes it worse. Why can’t he just understand that days like today .. ‘I’m allowed to be this way!’ Courtney was a good girl all day, it’s just the evening she becomes a bit much sometimes and I am out of breath with the amount of times I’ve screamed at her to tidy her room! 

The boy did start the painting and I didn’t even have to say anything, only had the paint 3 weeks like. I did moan at him for using my brand new towel to kneel on though and also pointed out the paint on the floor. I wish I could bite my tongue and not interfere but I can’t help it. But with me and him it’s fire with fire , instead of him saying ‘sorry babe here’s your towel’ and ‘the paint won’t stay there I’ll get it up’ it’s ‘I’ll just buy a new towel’ and ‘it’s straight enough’ ‘the floor is dirty anyway’ and ‘I don’t have to do this you know.’ 

Just accept I’m heavily pregnant, accept I’m going to moan and we can all just get on with it. I’m also a woman… It’s inevitable we will get involved! 

I also do not know HOW many times I’ve explained to him what ‘Rennie’ is … Ok I buy morrisons own indigestion tablets (cheaper) so it doesn’t actually say Rennie on the packet but neither do the Co Co Pops in my kitchen. Aldi own brand have some other name for them, but we all still call them Co Co Pops right ?! OK this all sounds so stupid but it’s bloody infuriating when he acts stupid and can’t pass me a pissing indigestion tablet without a row!! Especially since I get through about 6 a day sometimes more !! 

Motivation for anything has been lacked today. I need to get to the post office. Register the business. Start my independent project and complete a training document for a volunteer role. I only left the house to take Courtney to her swimming lesson and that was a mission. The walk used to take me 5 minutes now it’s closer to 15 and it’s hell!! I should get back on my iron tablets. Only myself to blame. 

When Courtney is in bed and the boyfriend is at work I finally feel peace … I enjoy ‘Me’ time.