Posted in DomesticAbuse

The night before Christmas 🎄

Posted on by KerryLouise

I feel like my anxiety is getting worse. The flashbacks are getting stronger and my mind won’t just bloody shut up!

I just saw a pampers advert which had many women in labour. The hospital, the machines, the vivid memories shot back to me and my heart aches bad! The abusive moody man whilst I was waiting to be induced, the man who cried uncontrollably when he held our daughter for the first time, the trauma I went through with an emergency c-section and to then later find out he had a whole other relationship and would have went to her the night I gave birth! Cheating scumbag! I just want good memories of my baby being born, my beautiful little baby.

I did some walking today, again the memories of the times I was on maternity leave. The times it was oh so raw, my mind going overdrive thinking of all the bad negative stuff he put me through and how much I want to scream in his face. I can imagine him playing victim this weekend. Well Mr Abuser remember this, last year I woke up on Christmas Eve not knowing where you was! Christmas Eve night you kept popping out and playing games completely ruining my evening. Promising an evening of Chinese food and games but your road life was far more important. You chose last year and you chose to not be a family, you deserve nothing but loneliness and pain!

So I may be sad I don’t have my little family this Christmas but I have something real! No chaos, no hurtfulness, no lies, no deceit and he can play victim all he likes but this is ALL his fault!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

The alcohol made me sick

Posted on by KerryLouise

.. so so sick!

I wasn’t even out long either and I came home to throw up everywhere. Gosh what a mess!

Luckily I had plans today with my nieces birthday but now it’s evening and I’m sat on my own I am struggling with these emotions. I have such an urge to speak to him it’s so insane!

I know it’s his mums birthday today, this time last year brings back raw nasty feelings for me. This time last year we were meant to be going to see his mum! He disappeared and did not contact me till 4pm Christmas Eve. Despite how fucking crippling that was on me, the conversation with his mum normalised it. I said he was probably with another girl and she told me I shouldn’t think the worst. Hilarious since I later found out he fucking was! It infuriates me that his behaviour that night was just ‘normal’ his mum wasn’t bothered, I had to just accept it and the whole time he was in some other girls bed whilst I had no sleep wondering where he was! Fuck sake, I thought this was meant to get easier and all I want to do is call him to make him accountable for all this disgusting abusive behaviour. She normalises it because that’s how she’s always been treated by men. It’s fucking wrong on so many levels. I want to tell him I hate him. I really fucking do!

I sorted out some of my book tonight. I will definitely get a proof reader to help me with it. I could do with someone to sort out the structure too as when I write with such emotion I am unsure how it all flows. I need to try get rid of these emotions in 2018 but how when even the first week brings back memories. When New Year’s Eve he promised that 2017 was going to be about me and him and our little family then later finding out he went to another girls house party. He really makes me fucking sick. I need help to get these thoughts dead and buried I really do!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Control

Posted on by KerryLouise

It’s only 9:30am but I do have the urge to write. We all had a lovely lay in this morning and are all still in our pyjamas. I will get us all ready soon so I can go out and finish my Christmas shopping!

So my urge to write is after a conversation with someone which reminded me about a lot of situations I found myself in. These situations sent me crazy, he had all the control and he knew it.

I cast my mind back to August the last time he ‘babysat’ his own daughter whilst I went out! The lead up was awful, I felt anxious constantly that he would just not show up or say he couldn’t do it at the last minute. I had actually made plans long before for an alternative sitter but that fell through 2 weeks before. The point is, I tried everything to find a replacement and relying on him was my worst case scenario! My daughters own father and he’s worst case, yes that really was the life I was living.

I couldn’t find another sitter and yes the lead up to it was awful. He used it against me all week, ‘well you best find another sitter then’ and when I wanted confirmation he would scream at me that I was doing his head in, wouldn’t give me a time and another time back in June when this happened he got me in such a state I wanted to commit suicide and told him that too. It was fucking awful.

When I knew I was getting picked up at 7pm on the August bank holiday, I then kept re-iterating that time to him. The day was a Saturday and he had actually said he would come in the afternoon to spend the day with us. He after all needed to spend some time with his own daughter too. I wasn’t overly excited about the idea but once again the promise fed into my desire for him, I figured well at least I wouldn’t be calling him all afternoon. Well the afternoon didn’t happen and I then found myself ringing him every 15 -30 mins, each time him saying he was on his way and won’t be long. Can you imagine that from 2pm right up until I was being picked up at 7pm! Hell is putting it mildly! What kind of person does that for over 4 hours??? He does, I was used to this kind of behavior!

Then at 6:30pm he was ‘baby this, baby that’ and said ‘just get your friend to wait.’ NO FUCKING WAY! Luckily I had already spoke to my neighbour and she came to my flat to sit whilst waiting for the incompetent man who was unfortunately my daughter’s father!

The stress didn’t stop there for an hour and a half he wasn’t answering my calls! I had to put on a false face to all my girls and not relax knowing I had a temporary babysitter until the absolute prick stepped up and got home! It’s these reasons I will deny contact. He should have been with us all day, not eventually turn up at 9pm!! What bonding happens with a baby after that time!? If I hadn’t had my neighbour that night I would have been absolutely beside my self sat at home knowing my night was absolutely ruined and that’s what he wants!

It still didn’t stop there. He was then constant with the calls and texts and I don’t even remember what was being said. What was evident was that I had the control, I was out! He was stuck at home and he could not fucking bare it! He kept ringing after I sent texts threatening to not come home. He was asking how long I was going to be. Went from calling me every name under the sun, like bad Mother for being out and potentially staying out all night (double standards). Then he’d obviously think better of that and call back being sweet, soft and sorry. How all he wants is his family and me home and a good future together.

I opened up to my friends friend that night who is a social worker. ‘I am being domestically abused.’ I still was wondering how I was going to get out but the force of going home to him and knowing he was at home with the baby was so powerful. It’s funny isn’t it when I was asked who has the baby and I said my ex.. people automatically say ‘that’s good!’ It’s what looks good, without all the shit that was thrown at me it did feel nice too! My man with his baby whilst I was out having some drinks.. how nice ey! If only I hadn’t nearly had two nervous breakdowns in the process.

When I got home he admitted he tried to call his brother to come watch out baby because he wanted to come find me! That isn’t normal! That is him losing control and desperate to keep me at home.

After then I NEVER asked him again to ‘babysit’ whilst I went out! But has since had a cheek to say I just leave my baby with strangers. He would rather I just didn’t go out and that is the TRUTH! He didn’t come home all  night the night before I was going to my friends hen party back in June, I had to call on my first daughters family to watch our baby otherwise I would not have been able to go. THAT’S WHAT HE WANTS! He ignored my calls all day until finally that evening he gave some bullshit calm excuse that of course I was just meant to accept. It was this very weekend I decided, I can NO LONGER LIVE LIKE THIS.

He would promise an hour or two whilst I went to the gym, this man couldn’t even do that!! Scenerio went like this “baby I’ve got you, you two are my world.” … “You have let me down before though.” I would say. “Have some faith in man please, I know how important this is for you. I swear on my life I will be there”. He’s not…… he’s not that sorry, thinks it is acceptable to just say ‘something came up.’

These are not the actions of somebody normal. Someone with a conscience. Someone who is meant to be in love with you. These are the actions of a narcissist.

When I planned Ibiza it was his mum and sister who babysat. They helped me hide it from him too. When he found out he was abusive to the core. He said he would go to London to help them out and of course spend time with his baby. Did he? Did he fuck? This is what I mean when I say he abuses his family too! Promised he would but doesn’t go. That’s how important his daughter is to him so now it is for him to prove otherwise!

Something else also came up in my conversation this morning. He always used to tell me when whatever his argument was at the time was failing that our baby was ‘half black and had other family too.’ Making out it was my responsibility to keep her involved in his side of the family. Literally made out it was all my fault she didn’t see them! I don’t see them calling me or asking and equally TAKE HER YOUR FUCKING SELF! These comments would drive me insane, no normal sane person would use this against someone. She’s your daughter, spend some real time with her and TAKE HER YOURSELF. I actually spoke to his sister daily!! Which his comeback was then ‘yes because you are a beg friend’…. LOL couldn’t win see.

The first time he got arrested after I called the police was his grans birthday obviously I never heard the last of it. Doesn’t matter that this time last year on 23rd December when we had planned to go see his own mum on her birthday he rang saying we would leave at 11pm and then he didn’t contact me again till 4pm the next day! Christmas fucking eve! The sick dirty cheating bastard! He chose a girl who didn’t even know his real name over being a family and visiting his mum on her birthday! He still denies it of course! Letting his sister down too! I hate him, I really fucking hate him! I really really could go on! There are so many times he controlled, so much manipulation! He used control ALOT, storming out and not coming home, leaving me in an hysterical state either pregnant or with a new baby. Hanging up the phone, telling me to call back in 10 mins and then not answer for 40 minutes. EVERY FUCKING THING HE CONTROLLED.

Leaving the house every morning, I had to wait for him. Even though he had no intention to stay with me or come with me. He would make me late to so many things. Tell me what to wear. Make me feel like I couldn’t talk about my opinions and beliefs. I couldn’t even tell him his baby had a bump at nursery because that would somehow be my fault.

God I am so pleased I never have to be controlled like that again. The man needs help!

 

Posted in DomesticAbuse

On reflection

Posted on by KerryLouise

Today was my last working day of the year. I am so thankful for the amazing business I am part of. The director is open and honest in the fact she believes she has a great team and 2018 will be an amazing year for all of us. I am lucky that they know what I have been through and are fully supportive. We even spoke of donating to a charity for next year and it well could be the charity/not for profit that I have in the pipeline.

I am looking forward to seeing the back of this year. I’m still so affected by his toxic behaviours. I still wish to talk to him, to shout and scream and him and his family! Normalising his disgusting behaviour! His sister has no chance in finding a decent man! No surprises that he didn’t follow up his requests to pass on xmas presents or a visit. All that anxiety and stress for no reason. Sounds exactly like him!

Talking to M too much. It’s dangerous. There’s love there and he’s admitted that too. It’s NEVER going to go anywhere and well definitely not until 2020! Tonight he’s in a mood, it’s over something really silly and my initial thought was ‘ok it’s my fault.’ Then my boundaries come into play and I realise that no he’s in a strop, he started it and that the way he ended the call isn’t acceptable. Now don’t get me wrong it is NO WHERE near ANYTHING like my ex abuser was but I still have no time for dolls being thrown out of prams. So when he next calls me I won’t answer, well I’ll try not too. He can’t tell me I’m acting like a bit of bacon and not expect to be called a pig repeatedly. Ok we’re children, yes actual children lol. Fuck sakes!

I have big plans for 2018! 100% health and fitness is going to get smashed! My sales targets are going to be doubled! My book is going to be completed and I am going to keep empowering myself and hopefully other women along the way!

Bring it on mutha fuckers!!!

Ok he called me .. and I answered! His strop lasted all of an hour! My boundaries are a work in process!

Damn!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Time management..

Posted on by KerryLouise

I believe it’s a skill that I don’t have the hang of very well. I’m laying in bed flicking between my social media platforms, staring at the most recent book I’m reading for personal development, a printed copy of my book so far laying next to it and my business law text book is on the floor.

I have so much to do!!

I guess I should put them into order of preference or at least have some type of plan. I have two essays due in January. That should take precedence, certainly not Facebook and Twitter.

I spoke to M last night on the phone for quite a while. It was such a fun conversation, he really makes me laugh. The good thing is I make him laugh too. He’s not overly complimentary which is good and moving forward is going to be a major red flag for me! It’s normal to say ‘your eyes are beautiful’ , it’s not normal to say ‘you’re perfect in every way.’ Chill out man! It is so mad how chilled our ‘relationship’ is , well compared to what I am used to anyway.

I have now said no to my social worker for Christmas presents being passed on by my abusive ex to my baby. Reason being the anxiety has already drove me crazy, and the likelihood it won’t even happen is extremely high. It is also so evident this isn’t about my baby this is about how HE is perceived as a person. ‘Ahh what a great dad’ he wants to hear. It’s all fucking show, keep your presents and when you get contact do it then. I used to say ‘I don’t want to see you tonight’ as a defence mechanism. Protecting my own feelings for the fear of being let down. It never worked though, that used to make him absolutely fly off the handle and I’d be called a fucking prick and told that he isn’t going to bother trying anymore. ‘Get off my line man’ he’d say and hang up on me leaving me beside myself at the sheer disrespect. He fails to remember the two previous nights he’s promised to come over yet tied me up in knots whilst I’m calling him every hour waiting for his narcissistic self.

Yes I’m doing it again relating to past incidents. I can’t fucking think about anything else.

I have an urge to talk to him. I want to hear his bullshit. I’m missing the chaos, the drama, the head fuckery clearly.. I still feel so so hooked!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Who has the answers?

Posted on by KerryLouise

I’m not sure anyone does in how to combat domestic abuse in households but I sure as hell know we have more chance at doing so with the help of domestic abuse survivors than those who have never experienced it.

I have a friend who works for social services, very knowledgeable on the subject but very much social services trained in the sense of it’s quite outdated. For example she mentioned how statistically high it is when a child has witness domestic abuse growing up they are more likely to be in an abusive relationship when older. The thing is with statistics is you can make them look any way you want them too and most often based on bullshit! What about ALL the victims who never report? What about those with out any children? My report says I witnessed it as a child and despite me repeatedly telling them that is crap it remains on my file to add to their dumb statistics.

She also said how it’s difficult for SS to get to the truth as victims lie and the truth can be hidden. This isn’t about hearing the truth for social services intervention. I asked for help and I still had no help. This is about educating the fucking world about what is abuse, what isn’t ok and what constitutes a healthy relationship right from a young age. Even as a social worker and the mother admits to them yes they are being abused then what? What do social services do then!? Nothing in my case.

She also told me that not all DV (domestic violence) cases are the same! Ummm that’s also wrong, the fundamental aspects of ABUSE are all the fucking same! Textbook! All the women I speak to and it’s so refreshing it’s like we are talking about the same man! To be honest this is the same friend who told me that the latest incident is just a ‘normal cheating situation’ and that most men will do what they can get away with. That it didn’t make him a narcissist! Infidelity is abuse in itself especially when that said man will convince you you are the one going fucking crazy!

Anyway going off track now my point is that NO ONE has the right to tell you that it is easy to leave (yes she said that too) unless they’ve been in it. Worryingly it’s people like this that will not help change the stigma that is attached to it all. It’s victims and survivors who NEED to do something about it.

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Focus and succeed

Posted on by KerryLouise

I feel shattered, I feel lonely and I feel sad. I miss him. The nice him. I resent him. The devil him! I just can’t get it out my head. The healing process is rough!

My presentation didn’t go exactly the way I would have liked where I got a little emotional and cut out some of what I wanted to say. That being said it had a positive reaction, I just need to make sure the next one is better.

I have so much I need to achieve next year. So much I should be doing daily and so many different ideas floating around in my head.

I have my book! I want to get it completed. I have my uni work! I must put it full commitment. I have this blog! I want to blog daily! I want to read all the personal development books I have. I have a Facebook group I have began where I hope women join who are struggling to leave or struggling to heal. When I attempted an online forum previously it didn’t end well and I was judged and slated for not leaving sooner. There needs to be a safe haven where someone isn’t judged! https://m.facebook.com/groups/1844609462491853

I

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Tomorrow is the day

Posted on by KerryLouise

When I booked this presentation at a networking meeting I felt incredibly nervous. Now it’s the night before I feel completely fine.

I know what I am talking about, it’s something I feel incredibly passionate about it and in fact I am quite excited. I want to do some final notes tonight just for structure and then all is good. I had a bad morning and even when driving back from my friends house so much going through my head. I have so much to say. No one will ever understand how this type of relationship can affect you. All these words in my head, all the visions and sceneries and my voice screaming all my feelings. It’s mentally draining.

Tomorrow will be good for me. Surrounding myself with fabulous people. Talking about my experience and being heard! It’s a positive it really is.

I’ve eaten far too much this weekend. This doesn’t help my mood. If I feel fat I feel miserable. Looking forward to the week ahead however, weekend I have good plans and the trick is to keep busy. No sitting in on my own dwelling about how bad he made my life. Christmas Eve he messed about all evening after promising an early finish (from his drug dealing) he came back silly late. Christmas Day he was fucking vile to me in the evening after he wanted me to drive him to London to his mums but he was longing everyone’s life out and expected us to leave at silly time. His mum actually said it was too late, but yet I was blamed. Screaming at me in the car and when I rang his mum so she could confirm it was actually her who said to not come, he abused me some more. He threatened to go out saying he didn’t want to be around me. He expected EVERY FUCKING thing on his terms! Looking back it is insane how much I put up with.. there are no words to describe the way he treated me. No words at all and I’ll be damned if anyone ever treats me like that again!

Wish me luck for tomorrow! Exciting!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

This time last year

Posted on by KerryLouise

Really bad week this week, like a weird crazy emotion in my head. I keep imagining being hit by a man, a different man to my ex. I imagine and feel how that would feel, then I remember the times I was hit for real. The most recent time was one of the worst, hit so hard I dropped a little as my knees sunk. I engage in conversation with a man and half expect him to turn round and call me a fucking dickhead for any reason. Il

This time last year was truly awful. I was being cheated on constant, could never say anything right, tip toeing around him like I was so desperate for him to not kick off and leave me again. He would attack me repeatedly until I snapped. The states I got into were truly horrifying, he was miserable most of the time and when I even mentioned that I was buying his Christmas present he actually laughed down the phone and called me a liar. I felt so happy that I was in a relationship and buying my man a present but his reaction was absolutely heartbreaking and unnecessary. How pathetic I was!

I remember going to Bicester shopping for the day, the whole day he was in a foul mood and he kicked off at me for acting weird or something like that. He loved to tell me I was embarrassing him or making a scene but the only person ever making a scene was him. I was trying to buy him a hat and scarf set on the sly but since he verbally attacked me and completely belittled me it didn’t happen. Once we got back to Northampton and I was explaining what I was doing he mocked me some more and laughed in my face and told me lying wasn’t a good thing. It went on for about 20 minutes, I had made plans to meet my friend but he ordered me to take him to pick ‘something up’, trying to explain to him that I was late anyway and so I would drop him off wasn’t going down too well. He stayed in the car for a further 10 minutes explaining that I needed to wait for him, he wasn’t taking no for an answer, wouldn’t let me drive off. When he finally got out the car I had to go, he threw his whole coffee at my car. Later, it was me then apologising to him. He was just so so nasty. There are so many more scenarios like this just going round and round my head. When will it stop? When will I stop thinking about it all.

This is all because he’s asked for contact. I feel so fucking angry, no you can’t see your daughter. How dare you! When you’ve done all you’ve done, rather be dealing drugs and in another girls bed than being with your daughter. You deliberately wanted to destroy me and carried on destroying me when you should have been with your daughter. Chose another girl over me , three times! When just a few hours prior to this was telling me we were your world. I hear the words he spoke constantly in my head, one most recently when I suspected he had someone else which of course he point blank refused he told me he only went elsewhere before because I was too fat for him! God he’s so fucking vile.

‘I hate you’ ‘you make me sick’ ‘you will never be more than just a beat’ ‘slag’ . I need these words to stop! I want to talk to him! I want to say so much! I need help.

I just told M that if he never went to jail I would have left him long time ago. Maybe that’s true, maybe it isn’t. I remember having the conversation with my friend (who my ex hated me being friends with and now I’m not). She said if he was out you’d go see him and I agreed. I would have. I cried on the phone call, he told me I am strong. Even that reminds me of the narcissistic ex. Praising me for being so strong, telling me he doesn’t know how I coped with a new baby and knowing he wasn’t coming home. EVERYTHING is stuck there in my head I need help. If it wasn’t for my girls I would rather not be here, rather not deal with all this, rather not try and heal. Just not be here would be good!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

What is wrong with people?

Posted on by KerryLouise

So on Monday I’m presenting on the importance of boundaries yet I still have to question where the hell mine are!

I bought myself an iPad today, my mum put towards it and I’ve done the right thing. Not opened it up yet. I got my girls some matching Christmas pyjamas today too and that’s as far as I got with my Christmas shopping. I’ve had a good day, I put on a great front. No one would know that at 5am this morning I was struggling to sleep.

As I only got my WhatsApp back today (well early hours this morning) I had a message from a number I had not saved. It was the dude I met out last Saturday night. He asked when he was going to see me again. His WhatsApp status mentioned a wife. So I asked him out right and yes he’s married ! Apparently she knows what he gets up too. He’s a decent human, a CEO of a business but not content with his wife and boy. I’m not disappointed about it, it was never going to go anywhere. Surprised he even text but it just makes me think! I find it hard to believe any woman would be ‘ok’ with it. I believe many know their men stray but shut up. Especially if they are reliant on the mans money, how awful. I guess in one sense at least he was honest with me, he hasn’t done what my ex has done, lied about his other life and tried to manipulate me so I fall for him. He’s been completely upfront and that is what separates a man like him to a man like my ex. His wife would always come first, and his son… I am just a bit on the side. That isn’t what I need right now at all! He finished the conversation by saying ‘I guess I won’t be seeing you again then’ … hmmm probably not pal, probably not!

The conversation with the young one did die but today I noticed he had added a new pic on his tinder. Ok hands up I had done it before him but still, gosh the amount of bullshit he was chatting. He served me a purpose and that is ok but when will men STOP CHATTING BULLSHIT! First sign of an abusive relationship, a man acting like you are the best thing to ever walk into his life … red flag. Red flag!

This now brings me to the long term one. The one who was meant to be coming to see me today. As I said he’s been pretty rude for about the last 6 weeks far different to the man I knew at the beginning of the year. He’s been pushing my boundaries and today he has. Told me at 12 that he was waiting to hear from his sister so he knew what time he was going to leave, it’s now nearly 9. Originally when we planned this he said he would leave at 4pm. I need to tell him that it’s too fucking late now.

Yes I ask what is wrong with people! But me being me… I then ask am I just not good enough?

Oh well my cheese board is getting demolished then!