Category: single mum

Posted in Abuse, relationships, alone, baby, DomesticAbuse, relationship, relationships, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum, Strength

Monday 25th December 2017

Posted on by KerryLouise

It’s only another day really and to be honest I have coped quite well. I am not looking forward to my eldest going to her dads in a bit but I do feel super tired so hopefully I just sleep. M will probably ring me so that does help but I’ve not been feeling good about that situation recently. He’s being nice, a tad erratic at times though and he doesn’t always think before he speaks but his heart is in the right place. He text me earlier too to say merry Christmas and when he knew I was going out Friday he text then too. Other times he just calls. He’s not right for me. I need to break the cycle of falling for emotionally unavailable or just simply unavailable because of where they are men!

My mind has been going over drive again of course! I feel sick about how happy I felt Christmas Day morning, how in love I felt, despite the ill treatment the two evenings prior! I was so under his spell it is scary! Christmas Day evening and he was so nasty, played with my emotions telling me he would just go out as ‘no point being here.’ All because I had been waiting around for him all day and his mum decided it was too late to go by the time HE has finished doing his drug dealing duties. It was all my fault once again. Obviously I later found out he had been cheating on me too so that deceit is hard to get over. I hate him.

I tell you something it is so so hard to even describe his actions this time last year. Nothing I ever said was right, he was moody, he was nasty, cruel and evil at times. He then made me feel amazing and protected and in love at other times, this would be in the space of a few hours. Constant state of confusion. Everything had to be on his terms, he would fight me for my phone, deny till he was blue in the face there was no one else but just turn it all back round on me. It was around this time I self harmed, I took a knife to my own arm to just get him to shut up with his torture. His words were torture. Being called a slag, being told I begged for it when his cousin sexually assaulted me and that I was always the problem.

Promising someone you are coming home and then disappearing is emotional abuse. His mother normalises it and so he has absolutely no idea about respect. He wouldn’t even be sorry! I would have been up all night, I still feel that feeling now. Telling me that I make him sick is emotional abuse. Kicking off because I wouldn’t have sex in his sisters bed in front of my 2 awake children is emotional abuse. Why did I allow this all to happen and it would be me apologising to him! Begging him to come home. He is truly mentally ill. To treat another human being the way he did me is not ok and it is not right and more importantly now it is illegal!

His sister watched on whilst he just kept going on and on and on and on at me whilst I just stared at myself in the mirror crying my eyes out looking at my still slightly plump figure! My baby was only 3 months old, I look back in time at me! I can see me, crying, hurt, broken and so so confused. I want to inject me with self worth, I want to tell me that I was never ever ever the problem, it was always him. A waste of space drug dealing cheating vile human that even comparing him to the devil is mild.

I spent today glad I don’t have him number. I would call him if I could! I’m feeling like this a lot recently, I want to hurt him the way he has me. I feel so bitter, something I never ever wanted, something that actually by not wanting to be, kept me under his nasty spell some more. But I am bitter and I do want to see him hurt. I want to hear him cry, cry out that deafening heart breaking cry that he inflicted on me so many times. Yet could just walk out and go and sleep easily next to some other girl. Doing that to a pregnant woman or one with a newborn is deranged and I will not EVER EVER forget.

However going in to self pity is just what he does. Poor him, dealt drugs because his dad wasn’t around type of person. God the crap he would come out with. I won’t do that, I will turn my bad experience with the lowlife scum into something very very fucking positive.

Watch me look the best I have ever done in 2018, watch me be successful in my job, watch me publish a book, watch me do great at uni and watch me meet a man who treats me better than he ever fucking could.

I won’t forget that when I found out about his 4th and final affair he said ‘she’s just a distraction, she means nothing, I know you, you’ll meet someone and do it properly’ sounding desperate and scared at the thought! YES I FUCKING WILL. No doubt it’ll just send you further into your own pity party and as a defence mechanism be crying out ‘she never loved me anyway.’ Well unfortunately for you. I did, I fucking did!!

Posted in Abuse, relationships, alone, baby, Birth story, Challenge, DomesticAbuse, Heart, Heartbreak, Mistakes, mother, Parenting, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum

They do more harm than good…

Posted on by KerryLouise

… in some situations.

Like I don’t want to knock the whole service as I completely understand how over stretched and over worked they are but in my case and for my family they have done absolutely nothing. They have been completely no benefit at all.

Social Services!

The scary thing is I spoke up, I was honest, I admitted how unhappy I was. Showed them bruises and was very open to the fact he came and went as he pleased. Yet I still was drowning and being ignored. As much as he and his family (now say) think that his actions were acceptable it completely is not. What kind of stability is that for a child. When he let me down, he let them down too. When he disappeared and was uncontactable, he did that to them too. What kind of man does that let alone a father! One that genuinely believes it is ok and has been taught that it is ok that’s who. Looking back at the 100’s, yes 100’s of times he either came late, or not at all, he literally angers me so much. Who taught him basic human respect because he certainly does not have any. He wasn’t just late, he tormented me with it too. So so cruel, would either sweet talk me and say he would make it up to me (still waiting), shout and scream at me for even daring to question his wear abouts, would simply tell me ‘something came up and to stop over-reacting’, threaten that if I carried on he wouldn’t come home at all. He loved me crying and begging him, loved it! If he promised to come round (more recently) and I said ‘not tonight’ simply because I was not up for his lateness games he screamed some more. Accused me of having someone else, told me that this is why he didn’t treat me good and he isn’t going to bother even trying. Sometimes he would tell me he was on his way and not come at all. If you don’t think that that is emotional abuse then there is something deeply wrong with you too! It’s disgusting, someone so desperate as a new mum like I was and he thought it ok to treat me like that. He’s an animal. I feel angry today. I want to scream at him, scream at his mother too and put that dumb letter writing bitch in her place. All these thoughts still going on in my head, how do I get past it? When do I get closure?

I’m waiting for my social worker. I haven’t seen her in a month. She needs to follow protocols and procedures which when my children are on plan purely because of witnessing his behaviour then what are ad-hoc visits going to achieve? As I said I even utilised my visits by telling her what was going on and STILL nothing moved forward. There has never been any concerns of the welfare of my children other than when it came to him. They can’t see their mummy with bruises on her face, or upset and anxious, or experiencing him not coming when he says he would (this is all in the report). They need peace and love and support. Him dealing drugs and answering drug calls in front of them or telling me stories of him getting beat up. Who will they come after next? Exactly why his mother sent him to Northampton. It’s dangerous for drug dealers and the loved ones too. He didn’t care though, he just thought he was putting in the work ready for a future (whilst shagging about in the process). I literally never thought I could have so much hate for him and I do. But with hate comes love (he used to say that) and it’s true. I loved him SO much. He made me so weak, I would have done anything for him. All I wanted was a good honest future for him. I knew he had a good heart and I repeatedly let him disrespect me in the hope we could be a family. Be in love! Fucking prick, shoved it back in my face all the time. Made me feel worthless, and for that I hate him!

I don’t dislike my social worker I just think she’s pointless. I also find it slightly difficult as right now she is my only connection with my ex. Technically it’s a breach as it is indirect contact. I am itching to know though. He is living in London, that was confirmed. Obviously him and his new ‘partner’ are going strong then! Highlights completely how much I fucking did for him here, without my home he has nothing here. Shame he didn’t ever appreciate it. He asked for contact with his daughter, he has asked to pass on presents. Presents I am ok with, the contact makes me feel nervous. It would be so easy to bump into him, I’ll listen to his sorrys. To me he’ll say what I want to hear and act like he admits the ill treatment. I asked the social worker ‘is he even sorry, or just sorry for himself.’ She confirmed just sorry for himself, still adamant I am making it out to be lot worse than it was.

ADMIT IT YOU ASSHOLE. ADMIT IT!!! No one gets to decide how he made me feel only me!

 

Posted in DomesticAbuse, Mistakes, mother, relationship, relationships, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum, Strength

She set her boundaries and rebuilt her life

Posted on by KerryLouise

A week on Monday I am presenting my presentation on boundaries to a group of fellow networkers. I’ve distanced myself from reading all about narcissism and abuse for a few days. It got too much, and I felt I was reliving too much of the abuse. He’s an abusive man there are no two ways about it I didn’t need to keep finding proof of that.

I’ve been in a better place recently. Like mentioned before realising more and more how a person should be treated by a sexual partner or even a close friend. It’s mad how much I put up with and how much I justified and considered normal.

I’ve been preparing my presentation and the more I am away and out of the abuse I can literally tick the majority of any lists that are about abuse available. Like the Stuff that is considered as emotional abuse and not just awful vile name calling.

• living in your home, and not contributing to the bills (boy yes. Always promised money but withheld it when I did something wrong)

• damaging your property – punching walls/smashing phones (3 holes in my wall and 3 phones)

• serial cheating and then blaming you for doing so (ALWAYS)

• threatening to cheat when sex is denied (he would tell me ‘you think I need your dead sex anyway’)

• cheating to prove that they are more desired than you are & telling you you will never find better (I can picture him now touching his face , saying how handsome he was and how I was old and ‘past it’)

• attempting to control what you wear – YES I have a voice recording of evidence of this

• Sexual coercion !!

~ making you feel like you owe them

~ continue to pressure you after you say no

~ playing on the fact you’re in a relationship – ‘if I don’t get sex from you I’ll get it elsewhere’ and his favourite ‘what a joke, can’t even get sex from my own woman’ oh and ‘you just can’t keep up with me’

~ trying to normalise their sexual expectations ‘I need it, I’m a man’

~ reacting negatively with sadness, anger or resentment if you say no or don’t immediately agree

This was all taken from an American domestic violence website. There were obviously many more abusive traits I just kept ticking off in my head. An abusive man to the very core, and for so so long I didn’t see it! I remember feeling mad with my old health visitor ‘he’s controlling’, she told me! I got my back up, convinced myself he wasn’t as I was allowed to go about my business. But the truth is ALL these things are about control, controlling the way I feel about myself, respect myself, things I do! I could go on, but I have a lot in this blog already.

I’m so excited about my presentation and I have booked in 5 more slots for next year around the East Midlands area. I will talk about these personal boundaries and then also the boundaries business owners should have. With that it links with my work and what my services are whilst networking.

We have court again next week, I feel petrified. I am also worried I won’t have even sorted legal aid in that time due to the fact I am giving up my mortgage. I shall not worry myself, it isn’t something I can change. However what I can remind myself is that I am now in control. I now have boundaries in place. I’ve evidenced that within new relationships (I use the word relationship loosely) but I know what it is to be respected now and what not to put up with. Lack of consideration for my feelings, ignoring blatant questions I have asked, anything verbally abusive, making me feel anyway other than content … then no! He’s got to go!

Posted in Abuse, relationships, DomesticAbuse, Heartbreak, Journey, life, Mistakes, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum, Strength

A Queen will always turn pain into power

Posted on by KerryLouise

I can’t even explain how good it feels to not have that constant awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. It was wearing me down, wearing me down so bad.

Imagine hearing the bull shit I love you’s whilst still being disrespected and still hoping for the man to step up and be a father. I think about where he might be and I don’t care. Trap yard no doubt or with the ‘partner’ he denied and also disrespected. Having no contact completely was literally the only way. The longer it goes on the clearer I see. He wasn’t letting me go for shit, despite what any bullshit he tells anyone else he was not!! Constantly promising me a dream and should I deny that dream abused me some more.

Reading my old blogs from pregnancy, even BEFORE I found out about ANY infidelity I wrote about how I couldn’t forgive him. This post back in September 2016 9 days to gooooo ! When I didn’t even realise I was being abused. All that nice him is an abusers trait called ‘love bombing’ or ‘hoovering’ . I will do a chapter on that in my book. July 2016 1st July ! Another post where I’m clearly so miserable and so unhappy. All because of him. I don’t want to be bitter but I dislike him to my core. Love pfft, I love the dream he faked, the promises he never kept. I pity his pathetic existence on this earth, so young yet so evil.

It all really shows how unhappy I was. I wasn’t even fully honest, so scared of what people would say! If I ever see him again it will be too soon. I’m so fucking proud of myself. Look at me, look what I’ve achieved! I allowed some low life abusive asshole shadow my life. Treat me so poorly, made me believe I was worthless and deserved it. Wrong mate! Wrong!

My distraction agreed to see me last night after his night out since I wanted to go to my friends instead. After I had to convince him that I would wake up, I began feeling anxious he wouldn’t come. He text saying ‘can’t wait to see you’, I felt uneasy and remembered times my abuser did that and then didn’t show. He didn’t do that though, that’s because he actually respects other people. He isn’t a narcissist sociopath like my ex, he’s sweet, caring and just a shame he’s a little young 🤭

The pain that has been caused by my ex is unmeasurable. I just knew that one day I would find that inner strength from somewhere. I kinda hoped I could get to a stage where I was not affected by his cold unpleasant words and actions. Hoping I could break free naturally without the need of court intervention but like even his mother said, if I waited until he no longer wanted me. No longer wanted to control me, I could be waiting forever. I remember that talk she had with me, ‘I had the strength and I just know you have it too.’ Funny how now she has accused me of ‘making it all up’. There is something VERY wrong with people like her!

Posted in DomesticAbuse, Girltalk, Heart, Heartbreak, Mistakes, prisonwives, relationship, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum

The Truth will Conquer

Posted on by KerryLouise

I’ve had a good day today. Well better than still can be expected. It really is always a rollercoaster of emotions. Spoke to M last night for ages. It’s so nice to actually chat with someone and just get on. He makes jokes about me being his girl and we talk about life before. I guess I find him comforting as he’s followed the process since I’ve know him since 2015. He is also highly complimentary and there’s something more satisfying getting that from someone who you’ve actually known. Like you can chat with guys online but generally they will be complimentary since they are trying to smooth talk and charm. From M it seems more real.

It’s when I’m driving in my car alone I get most of my flash backs (apart from yesterday morning in the shower). I was driving back from MK today and I just thought about her letter again. To think I even screen shotted her proof that he text saying how much he loved me just the day before. So blind, so foolish. What bothers me is the fact he makes out to anyone who listens that he can’t see his daughter because I’m basically jealous and bitter! That’s what fucking bothers me because that is so so far from the truth. I know the truth will conquer but until that time I can’t help but have how the conversation would go in my head. I feel so sorry for her writing this letter when he was begging me on Monday, begging me prior to that and slagging her off to me. Continuing to deny her and telling me he fucked her off. How he ruined everything for a stupid mistake with an ugly old coke taker. It’s crazy how he thinks that’s the only reason but hey. Apparently he isn’t sleeping (he did look a mess) and every time he sees a buggy and a family it kills him. Heard this before, shame he kept forgetting that feeling ey! He had enough chances at it.

Anyway when I got home I pulled up my statement that was written for the non molestation order (you know the one I’m supposedly manipulating the services with). It’s brutal. It dates right back to march 2016 where he punched me in the stomach and I had a bleed when pregnant. I mention the smashing up on my phones x3. The bruises, the fat lips and the fact he’s bit my face before. I talk about the bad innocent in January 2017 and then also the most recent with the hard punch in my rib. Then it explains how I suspected another woman but he was denying it and wouldn’t leave me alone. It’s all in there. Furthermore every fucking thing is backed up with evidence. June 2016 when I went into the hospital crying and high blood pressure. My maternity notes had safeguarding warnings, when I was in labour I was asked repeatedly if I was ok him being there. I guess my midwife knew more than she let on! The evidence of all the pictures that were taken by the police. I have holes in my walls! Then the most recent one was witnessed by my 9 year old daughter who told a teacher at the school ! My social worker has seen bruises and all my tears. Other health professionals have been trying to warn me and one in particular I’ve kept in contact with and she has her own batch of evidence. Why the hell am I still finding myself trying to justify myself. HE FUCKING ABUSED ME! I am manipulating NO ONE! He hadn’t seen my statement until Monday, I bet he didn’t show her it. He has been instructed to issue a statement by 8th December, the thought of his response is making me so anxious! The lies are real killers.

I was with my friend today who is also on her own and her baby doesn’t see her dad. We both agreed that yeh our girls may want to find their dads in the future but they’ll soon learn that their mummy’s did the right thing. I love my baby with all my heart and my eldest of course. They are simply my world and I spent so long chasing something that was never going to happen thinking that was for the best. It wasn’t , he isn’t and he doesn’t deserve his daughter or me and my eldest either.

I was looking through photos tonight I want to get some printed for My baby to look back on and see that daddy was in her life at one point. I screenshotted a meme that made me sad and highlighted how much shit I’ve put up with.

28th September 2016 that was on my camera roll. How fitting , and I felt like that from March 2016 – June 2017. Then I just knew I needed to somehow get away. June 2017 on the hen do he tried to sabotage then got angry because I wore a dress I shouldn’t of I did actually get drunk and cry and just said ‘I deserve better.’ I was no longer wanting or hoping for change. He had done too much!

This whole time I’ve had too much empathy, felt bad when he ‘felt bad.’ Didn’t like the thought of him hurting and feeling sorry for himself. Not anymore! He never cared for me, not really. He only loved me when he was in the mood to be nice. He didn’t care when I was sitting up all night waiting for him, threatening suicide or more recently telling him I was lonely and I wanted someone new. How dare I want a new relationship though, of course that made me a slag or I heard more empty promises how things were soon changing.

Typical narcissist, promising amazing stuff it doesn’t happen and all they care about is them!!

Posted in DomesticAbuse, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum

Seeing things more clearly ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

I’ve had a good day and I’m even feeling ok about being alone tonight. I went into town earlier and I bought a few items. Crazy how just shopping can bring back nasty vile memories of the man I was insanely in love with.

Bin bags! Yes bin bags … I remember buying a cheaper brand and they weren’t very good. Despite explaining that he should put less rubbish in them, every single time he realised it was a crap bin bag I was blamed for buying cheap shit. Huffing and puffing and aggressive in nature whilst he spills rubbish all over the floor. Even if he wasn’t directly blaming me he sure as hell did a good job in indirectly making me feel like I had done something wrong yet again! Same with washing up gloves, they were thrown in the bin for being disgusting and he often told me I couldn’t wash up. I didn’t ever do it right. Then when the washing up built up he would scream out that clearly he’s the only one who ever washes up around here. Anything he could find to abuse me he would.

I also bought baby a pumpkin outfit for Halloween. It’s just a bit of fun. Last year I bought her a witch outfit, phoning her dad to tell him was never my intention to end in a row. I was screamed at for never listening to him and that his daughter can’t celebrate Halloween. He told me to get off his fucking phone and somehow the conversation developed into a slamming match regarding me not putting him on her birth certificate. A new mum excited about a little outfit I had bought ended in tears pain and anger. Everything that reminds me of him is literally poison. Any happy memory will also correlate with a bad one. Why did I put up with it so much??

I had a conversation with a graphic designer today, I am really excited about my book. I actually spoke to her about my situation without any tears. This is so positive. I am healing!

Posted in Abuse, relationships, alone, baby, cheat, Company, Deceit, DomesticAbuse, Journey, single mum

Focus on the Freedom!

Posted on by KerryLouise

This time it’s going to happen!

I have changed my number. I have the police coming round this evening and an injunction is in the process of being served.

This is done!

The past 5-6 weeks have been very much like my last post. My head has been done for a very long time but my heart takes over … I feel sorry for him?! I see the bond he has with our baby! The times he is nice is like a rush of euphoria that I crave! Abuse is a drug! Times he would arrange to come see baby but then come by when she was asleep, if we spoke before hand I would tell him not to bother (he never likes that) but a handful of times he slipped the net. My loneliness ruled my head in that one!

We are back on the same cycle of multiple woman that he tries to deny, accusing me of going mad! Swearing on his mother’s life that he is not about to risk losing me again, he needs me, I’m his world blah blah! Stroking my face as I sleep, kissing me and saying those meaningless words ‘I love you so much’ !!

It’s all been too much ‘red flag’ … This is EXACTLY what he said last time ! I’ve had a rough time trying to get him to just leave me alone. He will say everything he can but I’m not stupid. Controlling everything calling me his wife, seeing our baby but making me his priority. There were many times he disappeared for 4 days and come back stinking like a homeless person, he needed a girls house to shower. That’s inevitable, so when the stinking stopped I knew!! His vindictiveness made me evil, I would scream at him how he’s dumb if he thinks this is a relationship, tell him how much of a tramp he was being, carrying knives again, dealing drugs texting me rarely only when it suited him. Again it was promises of spending more time and making everything amazing! I do not want his promises I just want to be my own person again!

He just would not accept… WE WERE OVER!

The unpleasantries would exchange then a few hours later it was like he had forgotten and he carried on calling me his beautiful wife ! Trapped!!

He’s been arrested twice in the past month, the first time was a high profile case in Northampton. I thought his time was done but nope the police have still failed to catch him doing the very thing that has destroyed him. He is so fixed on being a gangster, carrying a knife, dealing drugs, violence all what he calls ‘work’. He has really lost sight of what is important.

Then when I catch him red handed with some poor unfortunate girl! ‘You drove me too it’, ‘telling me we’re not together’ ‘telling me you hate me’ and let’s not forget his favourite ‘I would have given you everything had you not cheated on me when I was in jail.’ Again EXACTLY like last time .. sorry last 2 times!! Let’s not forget the ‘why are you embarrassing yourself , we haven’t had sex for months , this is my new girlfriend’ bullshit he screams at me whilst the poor girl is in the room with him!

The difference this time, I didn’t expect any different. I didn’t want a future with him, I lay next to him and think how much I despise him. Flashbacks of historical situations where he treated me so bad, there is no way I could forget .. maybe forgive but never forget! Furthermore , I do not want a drug dealer as a boyfriend. I don’t want someone who talks AT me , when something bad as happened with his road life I would bare the brunt ‘I don’t want to fucking talk right now I’m in a mood’.

On the 14th September he woke me up by throwing stones, again I was weak! Looking down at him he looked harmless, he pleaded for me to help him, how he had been beaten up and all he wanted was me. I let him in but forced him in the shower. He stank! The morning came, I was off out early and he slowed up this process. I wasn’t feeling great and he expected the upmost gratitude for being there to ‘help me’. I was ungrateful and a Dickhead apparently. He complained that I didn’t care he had been attacked …. why would I ? It’s like he suddenly expected me to want him … telling him I didn’t only caused more abuse. I got a punch in the leg that morning and I remember covering my face fearing a mark. He took my glasses off ready! I tried to leave but he pulled me back and stole my keys off me. I didn’t fight it. I should have called the police then.

16th September and our babies first birthday. I think most recently I’ve been more emotional thinking about this time last year. The pain he caused and the happiness he stole from me! I had not seen him since the evening of the 14th where he begged me to be able to come back and stay…. I said no and didn’t react to his pleas or strops! When he showed up at her party I wanted him gone .. he took me out the back… poked me in my stomach. Told me he didn’t give a shit what my family thought and I was playing the victim. The ONLY way I knew how to calm him down was cuddle, kiss and say ‘were together’, he then played a big charade. I was again being controlled, if I didn’t kiss him he would kick off. I had to ride it out! For the sake of our baby. Then the thought of spending her birthday evening alone made me weak again , he then didn’t leave my side and did not leave my flat until the following Tuesday morning. Saturday night and Sunday was nice I can’t lie. I explained that Sunday’s like that was all I wanted. Not his drug dealing and leaving me all alone!! The 36 hour fairytale didn’t last obviously and on Monday morning he assaulted me bad, again he wanted to keep my keys. He had no phone, and I wanted so bad to keep my control with my own property keys!! I lost that control and also received an excruciating pain in my left rib! Never has he ever hit me that hard!! Why didn’t I go to the police then ?

Monday night he was a saint! He watched Ariana in the evening and ‘took care of’ me whilst I struggled to do the basics due to my injury. He left me Tuesday morning and I was so glad to see the back of him!

I didn’t care he had no phone! I didn’t care he didn’t contact me. This just gave me more ammunition to cut him OUT! Thursday he called, I hung up! He messaged on his friends snapchat with his new number I deleted it! Friday I missed a call and again Saturday ! I was doing well! Sunday came and I seeked out his new number, like a addict seeking money for their next fix!

I heard his voice. I heard his pleas and his words of ‘you are so beautiful Kerry like really beautiful, no one in Northampton compares to you. You are special.’ There was my fix, he wanted to come see me..I had the control. I declined, I actually didn’t want to see him just wanted to hear that!

Monday I had texts to the same effect and then on Tuesday when he found out I was going to Ibiza he was VILE. I knew he was hurting, I knew he was jealous. His mum heard everything he was saying on speakerphone and she even spoke to him where he was like a lost little damaged hurt boy. He’d lost control over my actions and that PAINS him! Despite him screaming he would never touch me again after my trip he ended up in my bed the night I got back and then again the following night which was his birthday. Fuck sake I had given in again! I had to get some distance again !!!

All week he had made plans with himself to come over. Let’s have a nice evening he would say .. I politely declined and then I was abused ! Vile nasty words that are unexplainable. The effect they have on me are more damaging than any punch or slap! By Wednesday he turned up at my door and the company was all I wanted .. not him. I was then too tired for the abuse and we had a nice evening. He then got it in his head he was moving back in.. we would do more together and it would all be ok. Asked me when I would next see him. Saturday.. ffs !! All day Saturday I spent telling him to not come, I hated him, I didn’t trust him. We were over… then when he turned nasty I gave in again!

That’s when I went through his phone. Him laying next to me reminded me of the last time it kicked off hard.. the time I went to the police and had multiple injuries which subsequently saw him serve 28 days in jail. My gut was screaming he’s slept with someone else and my gut is ALWAYS right! He held me tight! So tight I couldn’t breathe! Screaming I was mad! Screaming that I was his everything. I didn’t believe him I knew! I didn’t care , I just wanted him to admit it and stop torturing me! Why keep lying? Why try so hard to keep me!?

I cried a lot that night and morning, my phone was hidden in case something came up that he disliked and I longed for the moment he left! Initially I declined sex and the stuff that came out of his mouth was insane. I was so tired I didn’t react, almost numb to it now. He let me sleep and watched Ariana and then he tried again. I didn’t want to but I did not want a repeat of earlier! Equally when we’re together and doing that.. I feel so in love. We connect so stupidly well and that drug has peaked again. As soon as it’s over my bitterness and hatred is back!

When he finally left he carried on texting , ringing ..promising me the world! I had to find away to get away! I just have too!

Luckily it came when my friend saw him with another girl the following day! This was my get away!! ‘Hi baby’ he answered the phone all cheery. He has some front! He tried to deny it! Course he did! I was smart and I took the suspect number from his phone and found out for myself. Away from her he was sad ‘I don’t know what’s wrong with me’ ‘she doesn’t compare to you’ which would soon turn into a slanging match where he was adamant I was to blame! I pushed him away!

Case closed.

All the last few months have proven are .. we cannot be amicable for our baby. His interest isn’t her, it’s me. He is dead set on making me his again and I cannot be anywhere near him. He can’t handle my standoffish ‘mind games’ he calls them and his need for a place to stay takes over. It’s not hard prick stop mentally torturing me!

This morning was hard, the screams of him saying I was embarrassing myself in front of his new woman! Swearing blind he never had sex with me Sunday! Laughing at me saying we haven’t had sex for months! This is mental abuse! I was in bits!! I need closure and I need to make him pay!

Once I’ve given the police his number I will delete it. It’s too tempting! Like an alcoholic with a bottle of vodka. I called him this evening on withheld! He never answers withheld, so he obviously knew it was me!! Said he was wrong for this morning, wanted to see me, come and see me! I told him straight come anywhere near me and I’m calling 999! I heard what I needed, he isn’t ok! I know he won’t be ok. But this time I do not care!

I plan to write a statement that sums up the past almost 2 years. These statements can be used in court. Section 76 of the serious crimes act 2015 created a new offence of a controlling or coercive behaviour in an intimate relationship. He needs to be held accountable. I will make sure of it!

These past 2 days have done wonders for my diet 😉

Posted in DomesticAbuse, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum

Day 1

Posted on by KerryLouise

So I’m back at Day 1 on that rollercoaster that is dieting ! I’ve gained 7lb since May and it’s purely down to the fact I can’t just eat in moderation. If I have 1 cookie I see it as a failure so eat 6. It’s a mad mentality. It needs to come back down, I need that confidence back.

Went and let idiot into my life again this weekend, I wanted a night out and out of babysitting options I called on him. Something has got to give … 2 hours late on Saturday for his daddy duties and then Sunday morning picked a fight for no reason. I don’t want bitterness, I don’t want the bad feeling but I really don’t want to be with him either!

Sunday morning he sat and went through my phone told me ‘men can do certain things women can’t.’ I feel like I go blank when he starts now , I got upset. His passive aggressiveness is too much , then made the mistake of having him come back Sunday night too. This morning was even worse, got the bruised gripped hand marks on my top left arm to prove that. Then he goes on like it’s completely normal and carries on with his ‘I love you’ bullshit!!

He honestly is the only person I know who could have a row with himself in an empty room. Any chance he gets! On Saturday he even showed me some dirt on his jumper and asked me like I am a child ‘what the fuck is that?’ I don’t know where he learnt how to talk to people but it certainly wasn’t in a good place. Equally how am I meant to know why his jumper has a stain.. oh sorry I forgot it was because I had packed all his stuff up and he’s living out of the suitcases and bags! My fault .. of course it’s my fault.

This morning was one of those times I longed for a button. A button I could press to just get him out ! Get him to disappear. It started because baby picked something up and put it to her mouth. It then becomes this massive deal where he blames everyone else for this happening and how she could have died. Funny thing is .. he’s barely around and I’ve kept her alive so I’m pretty sure he didn’t save her life today. Then when he’d stopped having his hissy fit over that it was then over something else. He makes me sit on the bed to ‘talk’ yet all he does is shout bullshit at me , doesn’t let me say a word and then complains how ‘he can’t even talk to me.’ He holds me on the bed I try push him off , kick him off too but I get a back hand to the top of my bare leg. God he’s evil, like a bad bad parent from the days when violence was ok on your own children. I much rather be on my own I rather loneliness than this. Unfortunately it isn’t rare, his stroppy moods, his sulking and his just bad bad negative vibe is constant.

I used to long for him to come places with me, wished he’d spend more time with us … now I want him to go. I would love him back in prison. A place where he has little control and I can feel at peace. We can watch a film together, chill but that’s about it anything else is World War 3. Oh and let’s not forget how slow he is at getting ready.. and I’m meant to just wait around for him. There was no reason today he had to leave with us but instead stressed us all out , took my car key and took baby off me after grabbing my arm. I was left with no choice but to wait.

He left me being the sweet side of him (which I believe is why he wanted me to wait) , stayed with us in town for a bit and went on his way.

I need a distraction, someone I can call when I feel to call him. I had 2 texts today the 2nd saying ‘I love you so much.’ Then just now he was rude, obnoxious, arrogant and uninterested with me on the phone. Hung up on me without saying goodbye, standard procedure for him with then a message saying ‘sorry beautiful mad busy tonight.’

God sake police … just catch him. Get him locked up!

Posted in alone, baby, Beauty, book, Company, Deceit, DomesticAbuse, Heartbreak, single mum, Singlemum, Strength

4 months on!

Posted on by KerryLouise

So it has been 4 months since my last post. I had almost forgot about my blog, maybe I tried to forget everything that was in it. In denial… telling myself ‘that didn’t happen’ kind of situation.

But I am now truly in a place where I want to reach out to other women who may have battled with domestic abuse like me or maybe others who are currently going through it. I know I still am.

My last post wasn’t a lie, it was great. We got on so well and everything finally felt like it was all ‘worth it’… but it didn’t last long. We went away on holiday in May and if I am really honest with myself I noticed that devil in him a few times whilst we were away.

My baby girl is nearly 1 and she truly is amazing. She does have a really good bond with her dad but that is slowly diminishing since she is in nursery full time now and I know longer rely on him for childcare whilst I am at work. Well I couldn’t rely on him.

I started my new job in June and he was adamant he wanted to have her whilst I worked. It caused far more stress than it was worth and now she is in nursery full time.

Let’s get this straight I do not love him, he no longer makes me feel special, I spend most of my time despising him yet I just cannot seem to shake off the fact he still gets under my skin so much.

Take the past 12 hours for example, promised he would come by and ‘spend some time with us’… this is all his doing since I tell him countless times I do not want a relationship like this. I live life as a single mum yet have the stresses of a unsupportive man in a nasty relationship. I had a hint of hope of being able to go to boot camp, and then spin this morning plus who turns down company right? It got to 6pm and I started convincing myself I didn’t want to go to boot camp, much to his happiness. He was all ‘oh thank god baby. I didn’t want to let you down but I’ve got to stay in the spot as my mate has gone to London, but I will come by straight after.’ 10pm came… what a surprise… no where to be seen, he then does this thing where we be on the phone he’ll say ring me back in 5 minutes and doesn’t answer until 40 minutes later. Those 35 minutes I am a woman possessed with constant ringing and abusive text messages. It’s torture and exhausting. We spoke again at 00:45am where he 100% promised to be at mine at 6am to watch my girls whilst I went to a spin class. ‘100%, I got you, I adore you, this is all for our family’ … he needs some new lines he really does.

Did he show?? Did he fuck!!

He’s completely incapable of accepting his faults. ‘I didn’t do it on purpose’… ‘my line of work means I go days without sleep and if my body decides to shut down I can’t help it’… Like I have never heard such a crock of shit in my life… well I have but only ever from him. He then has a habit of turning it all back round on me. Projection!! Accuses me of everything he is fucking guilty of….

I will talk of Projection in my next blog. Right now I am at work and must get on 🙂

Posted in single mum

Half marathon training has begun!

Posted on by KerryLouise

Now I’m in a good place it’s time to really focus on my goals. I signed up for the Northampton half marathon a few months back, now I need to really focus. 

Map my run has a training plan which I shall follow until race day on 3rd September 🏆

This is day 1!


I’m also on day 2 of a VLCD , not completely wise since I am running too but needs must since we have a holiday planned. That’s been a big stress, hoping I get little baby’s passport back on time otherwise the holiday I booked a year ago will not be going ahead. 

After the Mr’s 2nd stint in jail he has come out a completely different person. We are getting on so well and rarely even had a cross word (only over passport stresses) but at least it’s over something with substance! Ok we had split up since January but I think by us not living together it did more harm than good. The arguments were more so because I didn’t trust what he was saying like EVER, we were both so bitter about certain things and so far it really is so good. I will talk more of that another time.

Applying for jobs galore. I seemed to have been getting no where but I am now getting interviews lined up which is promising. It is super hard for a law graduate to get their foot in the door, that’s all I need! A bloody break!! I am definitely excited to get my teeth into something that will aid my career but equally feeling super anxious about the prospect of working full time. Eeeek! 

Right now I feel stupidly hungry but it’s nearly half past 10 at night … day 3 tomorrow . I’ve got this 💪🏼