Tag: domestic abuse

Posted in DomesticAbuse

What is wrong with people?

Posted on by KerryLouise

So on Monday I’m presenting on the importance of boundaries yet I still have to question where the hell mine are!

I bought myself an iPad today, my mum put towards it and I’ve done the right thing. Not opened it up yet. I got my girls some matching Christmas pyjamas today too and that’s as far as I got with my Christmas shopping. I’ve had a good day, I put on a great front. No one would know that at 5am this morning I was struggling to sleep.

As I only got my WhatsApp back today (well early hours this morning) I had a message from a number I had not saved. It was the dude I met out last Saturday night. He asked when he was going to see me again. His WhatsApp status mentioned a wife. So I asked him out right and yes he’s married ! Apparently she knows what he gets up too. He’s a decent human, a CEO of a business but not content with his wife and boy. I’m not disappointed about it, it was never going to go anywhere. Surprised he even text but it just makes me think! I find it hard to believe any woman would be ‘ok’ with it. I believe many know their men stray but shut up. Especially if they are reliant on the mans money, how awful. I guess in one sense at least he was honest with me, he hasn’t done what my ex has done, lied about his other life and tried to manipulate me so I fall for him. He’s been completely upfront and that is what separates a man like him to a man like my ex. His wife would always come first, and his son… I am just a bit on the side. That isn’t what I need right now at all! He finished the conversation by saying ‘I guess I won’t be seeing you again then’ … hmmm probably not pal, probably not!

The conversation with the young one did die but today I noticed he had added a new pic on his tinder. Ok hands up I had done it before him but still, gosh the amount of bullshit he was chatting. He served me a purpose and that is ok but when will men STOP CHATTING BULLSHIT! First sign of an abusive relationship, a man acting like you are the best thing to ever walk into his life … red flag. Red flag!

This now brings me to the long term one. The one who was meant to be coming to see me today. As I said he’s been pretty rude for about the last 6 weeks far different to the man I knew at the beginning of the year. He’s been pushing my boundaries and today he has. Told me at 12 that he was waiting to hear from his sister so he knew what time he was going to leave, it’s now nearly 9. Originally when we planned this he said he would leave at 4pm. I need to tell him that it’s too fucking late now.

Yes I ask what is wrong with people! But me being me… I then ask am I just not good enough?

Oh well my cheese board is getting demolished then!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Never good enough

Posted on by KerryLouise

…this is how I feel. This is how I felt pre abuse too. People like me are like gold mines for people like him. Low self esteem, low self worth, easy to get entangled inside our minds.

I’ve had no iPhone all week and now it’s gone off for repair. I have a replacement now and oh my life it took security and a half to get it back sorted with all my stuff.

Having no phone has been pretty disastrous on my mental space. No distractions, no communications just my own thoughts. Why did he do that stuff to me? Why is he still denying the severity of it? I know just know I shouldn’t be thinking like this but I cannot shake it at all.

I’m almost adamant that my ‘date’ if I can even call it that will cancel today. I assumed I would have at least a snap from him when I got my phone back but no. I should stick to my guns, he’s already pushed my boundaries enough. He’s been rude at times, and he clearly no longer feels the same way as when we first spoke back in jan through to March. I agreed to meet him as I really want this conversation face to face but it’s making me uneasy. Even if he does come, he’s going to hurt me, going to lose interest it is inevitable.

I didn’t start today in a good place (well yesterday considering it’s now 5 in the morning). My baby was up during the previous night and when she gets on one boy she screams so bad! I swear the neighbours think I must be doing all sorts. I even got paranoid thinking next door called the police on me! People doubting I am a good mum. Once I stopped trying to leave her in her cot she was wide awake and giggling and saying ‘mumma ‘ … melts me!

Then my eldest had barely any pack up for school because she ate it night before, and went to school without her Christmas jumper all things I felt bad for. 2018 will be about organisation and that goes for my eldest daughter too.

Finally spoke to M he was concerned as my phone had been off. My mind is telling me today to stop being a fool he’s only talking to me because he’s in jail and got no one else. I’m also telling my self that despite the young one having personal issues I still fell for a lot of bullshit there too and that needs to be cut off. I need to work on this as it will only keep happening. My head is not good today, I’m questioning all the recent friendships I’ve made. What’s their alternative motive? It can’t be the reasons they are saying.

I am going to try and sleep some more and hope I wake in a better mood.

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Working on me

Posted on by KerryLouise

Obviously the meme is a joke but I do really need to get myself back in the gym! Realistically it will probably be new year now but I am going to focus on making small changes until then.

When I go through all that stress I barely eat then when I feel relatively content again I eat! Not eating I feel slim then I bloat and yes typical the night before a night out I feel FAT!

I have recently be receiving an insane amount of compliments regarding my physical appearance. ‘Gorgeous’ ‘stunning’ ‘amazing.’ It does feel very nice and it feels even better coming from people who are not fake, not a fraud and do not want anything from me. I should use this as more reason to focus on getting myself in the best possible shape. Be the best version of me that is possible.

Exercise! What’s that? I used to be such a keen gym goer and I was in great shape. I need that back!

My baby has suffered again with a perforated ear drum. Her nursery called me at 1:30pm today and I had no choice but to leave work. It’s hard for a working mother to juggle everything but luckily my work are very understanding. Poor little soul, apparently she was screaming like mad. When I picked her up she was in great spirits but that’s what happens. Once its burst then they feel better. She is so beautiful, I am so blessed to have her.

Today my ex was meant to produce a statement to my solicitors in response to mine. The fact they haven’t called me does not necessarily mean he hasn’t done it. Legal aid is great but it isn’t the best at the same time. I’m having issues with proving I qualify for legal aid due to my mortgage and the more I think about the more I think they were completely in the wrong for even showing me that letter from the interfering loser. It was very insensitive and considering my state of mind after 22 months of abuse it wasn’t exactly helpful. That being said, it was helpful as without knowing that I would have eventually allowed contact between my daughter and the monster. In a contact centre though of course.

My eldest daughter is having 1-2-1 work with an agency who help children that have witnessed domestic violence. Both to her and our social worker she has said that she is happy she is not seeing my ex anymore. She expressed her concerns that she is worried he will hurt her mummy again and she is finally opening up about things she has witnessed. So proud of her, yet I am ashamed I allowed it to happen for so long. If my ex’s ‘fans’ choose to believe I’m a liar and ‘making it up’ then believe a 9 year old. Why would she lie?

I have chips in the oven and then I really must eat better!

Posted in DomesticAbuse, Mistakes, mother, relationship, relationships, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum, Strength

She set her boundaries and rebuilt her life

Posted on by KerryLouise

A week on Monday I am presenting my presentation on boundaries to a group of fellow networkers. I’ve distanced myself from reading all about narcissism and abuse for a few days. It got too much, and I felt I was reliving too much of the abuse. He’s an abusive man there are no two ways about it I didn’t need to keep finding proof of that.

I’ve been in a better place recently. Like mentioned before realising more and more how a person should be treated by a sexual partner or even a close friend. It’s mad how much I put up with and how much I justified and considered normal.

I’ve been preparing my presentation and the more I am away and out of the abuse I can literally tick the majority of any lists that are about abuse available. Like the Stuff that is considered as emotional abuse and not just awful vile name calling.

• living in your home, and not contributing to the bills (boy yes. Always promised money but withheld it when I did something wrong)

• damaging your property – punching walls/smashing phones (3 holes in my wall and 3 phones)

• serial cheating and then blaming you for doing so (ALWAYS)

• threatening to cheat when sex is denied (he would tell me ‘you think I need your dead sex anyway’)

• cheating to prove that they are more desired than you are & telling you you will never find better (I can picture him now touching his face , saying how handsome he was and how I was old and ‘past it’)

• attempting to control what you wear – YES I have a voice recording of evidence of this

• Sexual coercion !!

~ making you feel like you owe them

~ continue to pressure you after you say no

~ playing on the fact you’re in a relationship – ‘if I don’t get sex from you I’ll get it elsewhere’ and his favourite ‘what a joke, can’t even get sex from my own woman’ oh and ‘you just can’t keep up with me’

~ trying to normalise their sexual expectations ‘I need it, I’m a man’

~ reacting negatively with sadness, anger or resentment if you say no or don’t immediately agree

This was all taken from an American domestic violence website. There were obviously many more abusive traits I just kept ticking off in my head. An abusive man to the very core, and for so so long I didn’t see it! I remember feeling mad with my old health visitor ‘he’s controlling’, she told me! I got my back up, convinced myself he wasn’t as I was allowed to go about my business. But the truth is ALL these things are about control, controlling the way I feel about myself, respect myself, things I do! I could go on, but I have a lot in this blog already.

I’m so excited about my presentation and I have booked in 5 more slots for next year around the East Midlands area. I will talk about these personal boundaries and then also the boundaries business owners should have. With that it links with my work and what my services are whilst networking.

We have court again next week, I feel petrified. I am also worried I won’t have even sorted legal aid in that time due to the fact I am giving up my mortgage. I shall not worry myself, it isn’t something I can change. However what I can remind myself is that I am now in control. I now have boundaries in place. I’ve evidenced that within new relationships (I use the word relationship loosely) but I know what it is to be respected now and what not to put up with. Lack of consideration for my feelings, ignoring blatant questions I have asked, anything verbally abusive, making me feel anyway other than content … then no! He’s got to go!

Posted in Abuse, relationships, DomesticAbuse, Heartbreak, Journey, life, Mistakes, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum, Strength

A Queen will always turn pain into power

Posted on by KerryLouise

I can’t even explain how good it feels to not have that constant awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. It was wearing me down, wearing me down so bad.

Imagine hearing the bull shit I love you’s whilst still being disrespected and still hoping for the man to step up and be a father. I think about where he might be and I don’t care. Trap yard no doubt or with the ‘partner’ he denied and also disrespected. Having no contact completely was literally the only way. The longer it goes on the clearer I see. He wasn’t letting me go for shit, despite what any bullshit he tells anyone else he was not!! Constantly promising me a dream and should I deny that dream abused me some more.

Reading my old blogs from pregnancy, even BEFORE I found out about ANY infidelity I wrote about how I couldn’t forgive him. This post back in September 2016 9 days to gooooo ! When I didn’t even realise I was being abused. All that nice him is an abusers trait called ‘love bombing’ or ‘hoovering’ . I will do a chapter on that in my book. July 2016 1st July ! Another post where I’m clearly so miserable and so unhappy. All because of him. I don’t want to be bitter but I dislike him to my core. Love pfft, I love the dream he faked, the promises he never kept. I pity his pathetic existence on this earth, so young yet so evil.

It all really shows how unhappy I was. I wasn’t even fully honest, so scared of what people would say! If I ever see him again it will be too soon. I’m so fucking proud of myself. Look at me, look what I’ve achieved! I allowed some low life abusive asshole shadow my life. Treat me so poorly, made me believe I was worthless and deserved it. Wrong mate! Wrong!

My distraction agreed to see me last night after his night out since I wanted to go to my friends instead. After I had to convince him that I would wake up, I began feeling anxious he wouldn’t come. He text saying ‘can’t wait to see you’, I felt uneasy and remembered times my abuser did that and then didn’t show. He didn’t do that though, that’s because he actually respects other people. He isn’t a narcissist sociopath like my ex, he’s sweet, caring and just a shame he’s a little young 🤭

The pain that has been caused by my ex is unmeasurable. I just knew that one day I would find that inner strength from somewhere. I kinda hoped I could get to a stage where I was not affected by his cold unpleasant words and actions. Hoping I could break free naturally without the need of court intervention but like even his mother said, if I waited until he no longer wanted me. No longer wanted to control me, I could be waiting forever. I remember that talk she had with me, ‘I had the strength and I just know you have it too.’ Funny how now she has accused me of ‘making it all up’. There is something VERY wrong with people like her!

Posted in Abuse, relationships, DomesticAbuse, Heartbreak, relationship, Singlemum, Women

Starting to feel at peace

Posted on by KerryLouise

There has been times where I have dredded the weekends. Even when he was half in my life, the chaos and loneliness was mad. I definitely felt more lonely when he was in my life than now he isn’t. I speak to M on the phone every evening and I have another for company too. I don’t always NEED someone with me but communication with the outside world is always nice, rather than an asshole promising you his time, then bailing out last minute or even worse ignoring you when it suits him. Even when he did stick to his word it never happened without drama, without his phone going off as he was needed to go deal drugs or he’d be rude and nasty to me. Abusers like him will treat you bad then expect no backlash from that, expect it to just be taken and then use the emotions he’s created against you. If I felt let down, lonely or sad there was never any responsibility taken by him (only fake when it suited him) there was just more fake promises, more emotional torture and a feeling of ‘never fucking getting out!’ I used to tell him he was pushing me to meet someone else, I of course was a slag and a dirty whore. It’s ok when he uses the reverse as an excuse for his infidelity ‘she was nice to me’ ‘you pushed me to it.’ Double standards ALWAYS! On the other hand he would try and promise that it was all coming to an end and when he was done with the streets he would come back. Never let me go. Treat me like the queen I deserved. Always unrealistic dreams, I was living a nightmare.

More recently it’s became apparent he has stolen my daughters phone. What a disgusting human. There is literally no other explanation. She did not take it out the house and the last time we saw it was 29th September 2017! His birthday , he was here the night before and before I left the house he caused a scene because his mobile had been misplaced. Of course it was everyone else’s fault, and tried hard to not let me leave until it was found. Gosh he was so fucking vile in every way, shape and form. A nice evening spoilt because he misplaced his phone! In fact I say nice evening but I actually remember him being so late. I kept telling him to not bother coming but he begged me, put the ‘I want to wake up with you all on my birthday’ card on me. Despite being late he was very affectionate and loving that evening (weird since I had just got back from Ibiza.) Anyway since then we’ve searched everywhere in this flat. It’s not here. I did ask him when we were communicating between getting the order and the order being served and of course he said ‘baby I promise you.’ But I don’t believe him, he’s just a scumbag thief as well as a violent abusive drug dealer. So I will replace my daughters phone. The 3rd one I’ve replaced the 5th one he’s interfered with in the space of 18 months! 3 smashed up, 1 ‘accidentally lost’ (despite me telling him to not let it leave my flat) and now this 1 suspected theft! Yuck! What an awful human! Never again!

The more I speak to M the more I realise how abusive he really was. M opened up to me about how I had hurt him when I went to Ibiza and did what I did with another man. There was no name calling, no hitting, no nothing in fact he just went quiet on me. My abuser over used my actions whilst he was in prison, over used to the max and felt that worthy of the most venomous words and actions. Why did I believe I deserved it all? He had a choice! I told him whilst he was still behind bars what I had done, he still came out 3 months later telling me it was ok and he wanted me. Telling me he even understood! He should have left, not abused me for 22 months!

I also remember how me and M would have disagreements. Differences in opinions are ok, it NEVER ever EVER ended by him bad mouthing me or undermining me or making me feel like I was going crazy. I am realising more and more how I actually got so so used to being called a Dickhead (that was his favourite one). Used to being tied up in knots and verbally abused repeatedly until I felt worthless and unloved. Used to being called bruv, slag or how I made him sick. None of this is normal. Too much I took, and I tell you something I won’t EVER be disrespected like that by a man ever again.

I’ve had a real positive weak. Looks like from next year myself and 3 other very inspirational women will be coming together to form a group to put a stop to abuse. We also what to provide services for women (and men) who don’t think they can leave. Who need support, as currently what is on offer is inadequate. If it wasn’t for my work and the people I was meeting I’d still be in it now. That’s a given!

I had a moment yesterday thinking about his ‘partners’ letter. You know the partner he calls a mistake to me. The partner he has denied since I found out. The partner who is completely deluded and thinks I’m just a bitter ex. The partner who thinks everything I’ve put in my blog is a lie. I came to realise that so fucking what. She’s irrelevant, one person who has known him for a few months whilst being his ‘side chick’ has no fucking idea. If she wants to lay down next to a man who deals drugs, has no job, carries a knife, hits women, cheats on her (cos he has already) and take him into her home for no financial gain then go for it love. The day I found her number there was another girl he was texting too ‘want to go for a drink!’ LOL so laughable!

I have new interest now, something I thought I would never ever do! I thought I would ALWAYS want him, ALWAYS crave that nice side of him. I thought I could never ever love someone the way I did him. So desperate for him to just act fucking right. I’m healing, I will never allow him to touch me ever again for as long as I live. If a man doesn’t respect me, he isn’t having my body SIMPLE AS THAT!

Posted in DomesticAbuse, Girltalk, Heart, Heartbreak, Mistakes, prisonwives, relationship, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum

The Truth will Conquer

Posted on by KerryLouise

I’ve had a good day today. Well better than still can be expected. It really is always a rollercoaster of emotions. Spoke to M last night for ages. It’s so nice to actually chat with someone and just get on. He makes jokes about me being his girl and we talk about life before. I guess I find him comforting as he’s followed the process since I’ve know him since 2015. He is also highly complimentary and there’s something more satisfying getting that from someone who you’ve actually known. Like you can chat with guys online but generally they will be complimentary since they are trying to smooth talk and charm. From M it seems more real.

It’s when I’m driving in my car alone I get most of my flash backs (apart from yesterday morning in the shower). I was driving back from MK today and I just thought about her letter again. To think I even screen shotted her proof that he text saying how much he loved me just the day before. So blind, so foolish. What bothers me is the fact he makes out to anyone who listens that he can’t see his daughter because I’m basically jealous and bitter! That’s what fucking bothers me because that is so so far from the truth. I know the truth will conquer but until that time I can’t help but have how the conversation would go in my head. I feel so sorry for her writing this letter when he was begging me on Monday, begging me prior to that and slagging her off to me. Continuing to deny her and telling me he fucked her off. How he ruined everything for a stupid mistake with an ugly old coke taker. It’s crazy how he thinks that’s the only reason but hey. Apparently he isn’t sleeping (he did look a mess) and every time he sees a buggy and a family it kills him. Heard this before, shame he kept forgetting that feeling ey! He had enough chances at it.

Anyway when I got home I pulled up my statement that was written for the non molestation order (you know the one I’m supposedly manipulating the services with). It’s brutal. It dates right back to march 2016 where he punched me in the stomach and I had a bleed when pregnant. I mention the smashing up on my phones x3. The bruises, the fat lips and the fact he’s bit my face before. I talk about the bad innocent in January 2017 and then also the most recent with the hard punch in my rib. Then it explains how I suspected another woman but he was denying it and wouldn’t leave me alone. It’s all in there. Furthermore every fucking thing is backed up with evidence. June 2016 when I went into the hospital crying and high blood pressure. My maternity notes had safeguarding warnings, when I was in labour I was asked repeatedly if I was ok him being there. I guess my midwife knew more than she let on! The evidence of all the pictures that were taken by the police. I have holes in my walls! Then the most recent one was witnessed by my 9 year old daughter who told a teacher at the school ! My social worker has seen bruises and all my tears. Other health professionals have been trying to warn me and one in particular I’ve kept in contact with and she has her own batch of evidence. Why the hell am I still finding myself trying to justify myself. HE FUCKING ABUSED ME! I am manipulating NO ONE! He hadn’t seen my statement until Monday, I bet he didn’t show her it. He has been instructed to issue a statement by 8th December, the thought of his response is making me so anxious! The lies are real killers.

I was with my friend today who is also on her own and her baby doesn’t see her dad. We both agreed that yeh our girls may want to find their dads in the future but they’ll soon learn that their mummy’s did the right thing. I love my baby with all my heart and my eldest of course. They are simply my world and I spent so long chasing something that was never going to happen thinking that was for the best. It wasn’t , he isn’t and he doesn’t deserve his daughter or me and my eldest either.

I was looking through photos tonight I want to get some printed for My baby to look back on and see that daddy was in her life at one point. I screenshotted a meme that made me sad and highlighted how much shit I’ve put up with.

28th September 2016 that was on my camera roll. How fitting , and I felt like that from March 2016 – June 2017. Then I just knew I needed to somehow get away. June 2017 on the hen do he tried to sabotage then got angry because I wore a dress I shouldn’t of I did actually get drunk and cry and just said ‘I deserve better.’ I was no longer wanting or hoping for change. He had done too much!

This whole time I’ve had too much empathy, felt bad when he ‘felt bad.’ Didn’t like the thought of him hurting and feeling sorry for himself. Not anymore! He never cared for me, not really. He only loved me when he was in the mood to be nice. He didn’t care when I was sitting up all night waiting for him, threatening suicide or more recently telling him I was lonely and I wanted someone new. How dare I want a new relationship though, of course that made me a slag or I heard more empty promises how things were soon changing.

Typical narcissist, promising amazing stuff it doesn’t happen and all they care about is them!!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Aftermath of trauma..

Posted on by KerryLouise

I am struggling. It’s all a process and ok I don’t feel as angry (apart from with the stupid interfering skank who thinks she knows the man I’ve known 4 years) but I am suffering with my own thoughts.

I spoke with M again last night. It’s nice to talk to him but even that bought back memories of my abuser. I remember him calling me July 2016 and I admitted I was pregnant. That day my abuser was terrible I had to run out of my own home with my daughter. He was on a mad one and just being vile. Telling me the baby probably wasn’t his, being cold and distant. Told me he doesn’t fancy me anymore and going mad about an incident that happened with his vile cousin. He had not came home all night after promising he wouldn’t ever do it again just 6 hours prior and I didn’t want to let him in. Not sure why I did. When I try and explain my story I actually can’t even describe how he abuses me the only way I can explain it is … at the time I could EASILY stick a gun in my head to end it all. Anything to not feel or hear what was going on at that given time.

Another time he rang me it was Father’s Day 2017 and it was the day after I have a voice recording of him stopping me from wearing a certain item of clothing. (Which btw someone from a woman’s aid type institute couldn’t believe how abusive he was) . His behaviour was again so so unreasonable, all week I had been explaining that I needed some money towards bills. He was promising me £60. I explained that without it I simply couldn’t pay for us to go out to eat for Father’s Day. I had to walk out, I walked out and rang his mum. His mum was very supportive and agreed he was being outrageous and needed to grow up. I wrote in my notes on my iPhone of what he was saying… ‘Joke mans gonna have to pay for my own Father’s Day .. like what did you pay for my birthday and what did you get for your birthday .. exactly .’ My response was ‘What this dickhead fails to see is!!! If he fucking contributed to my bills I could pay for stuff but money doesn’t grow on f’ing trees! Also back in September he was an awful awful person .. lying cheating scumbag and cheating on me so why would I buy him ANYTHING!!

So ungrateful, so unappreciative and where was he on Mother’s Day!! Oh yeh that’s right JAIL!! ‘ When he is like this I literally CANNOT DO ANYTHING right! Instead of saying ‘babe I’m going to take our baby to my nans’ he talks indirectly and I’m tiptoeing around him hoping he doesn’t fly off the handle and asking something wrong. Muttering constantly how things are a joke. Omg I can still feel the feelings, I watch myself being so pathetic and scared. He then controls everything, the time we leave, the fact I have to take him, he dictates when I pick him up and he is a fucking selfish asshole animal!! He thinks he’ll one day get me back!! OVER MY DEAD FUCKING BODY!! I am angry that he still thinks this, angry that the cunt writing letters doesn’t even realise how he was STILL adamant he loves me!! They need to both fuck off out my head!!

Don’t get me started on what he did on his birthday in 2016. Makes me sick and anxious and my own thoughts send me insane thinking of that day too! I can watch my own life like a film. I’m not coping! I have a doctors appointment on Monday, I need help! I drove to a meeting this morning and at 2 points in one of the roads I saw a film of me and re-lived the feelings ! What the fuck is this , I actually could avoid certain roads ! Too many raw awful disgusting memories. Christmas last year was AWFUL! I wasn’t as strong as I am now and if I’m honest the most traumatic events are older ones and I just need January here! Actually February that’s when I move, right now I cannot see me EVER being able to be amicable with him. I tried so so hard to but as explained countless times it wasn’t possible.

I fucking HATE him!! HATE him so so much!!!!!!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

I am better than this

Posted on by KerryLouise

I can’t shake it from my head I want to badly to ring this fool and tell her to get her pointy nose out of my business! 2 months you’ve known him and he was sleeping with me the whole time yet you call him your ‘partner’. You messed up individual!

I am so so angry that she even had the audacity to think that her shitty words on a piece of paper would even stand anywhere against all the mountains of evidence I have. He told me she loves the cocaine maybe that’s what it was for. Extra drugs from him. He told me she was constantly asking him if he’s seen me, whether he still loves me, questions after questions. I intimidate her clearly!! She told him about her ex and how she has trust issues so kept asking him to confirm their relationship. Obviously he told me he got annoyed by her and fucked her off but that ain’t in his nature. He won’t have. He told me he admitted he still loves me to her, that’s no doubtably bullshit too and clearly this ‘letter’ is her desperate needy pathetic attempt at trying to make her look like his guardian angel. Dumb bitch all you’ve done is make it worse because I will NOT be made out to be a liar and I will NOT allow my daughter around someone like him nor someone like you! Coke loving abuser sympathiser! This is highlighted how toxic, how manipulative and how much of an abuser he really is. Already got his next supply he’s love bombing, already disrespecting, since EVERY opportunity he has it has been about me. He’s fed her a pack of lies and I will be dammed if I even allow contact in a contact centre. He isn’t safe, he isn’t sane and he will ruin my baby girl too just like he ruins everyone else !

She mentioned in her letter how he’s never intimidated her. I’m glad you think your small experience of him overpowers my 4 years of knowing him. Abusers only turn abusive when they don’t get their own way, maybe you’ve just been a wet lettuce and allowed all his disrespect. Well that’s evident since he was sleeping with both of us at the same and you CLEARLY know about that. Also he obviously doesn’t give two toots about you, he has no need to be jealous, controlling or intimidating. It’s been 2 months, you’re just a bed to sleep in , a body to fuck you have NO right to tell me that my ex partner is not abusive.

But I will not rise to her. The reactive person in me wants to react and go for her. Tell her to mind her own business and tell her how desperate he was for me yesterday. But no the smart me will refrain, she will learn, I will just give the evidence to the police and carry on. I don’t want that disgusting human and I hope you get pregnant and get beaten up again!! Then we’ll see how strongly you feel that ‘he is not this man I make him out to be.’

Nearly day 1 again of no contact and I even sent my daughter with his number on the ripped up piece of paper to school so she could give it to the family support worker I’ve been working with. I didn’t want it in my presence ! It’s evidence to the police and his ‘I don’t care about being arrested’ can be put into practice now. Hopefully the police are coming to take my statement tonight .

Posted in DomesticAbuse

This is just a rant ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

At times I can take a step back and analyse the situation. There is no doubt in my mind that my abuser is a extreme narcissist. It is so deep rooted that I don’t even have to feel concerns that to everyone else he is respectful and honest because he isn’t. He has no consideration for anyone else, whether that be a taxi driver, a friend, a family member, his child or his lover. In his world, it’s him who comes first!

Other times all I need to do is one big rant!! This morning was the child protection conference I am only thankful in every sense of the word that I have professionals who believe me. Imagine fighting this where no one believes you, it would drive me to complete destruction. Suicide even! Luckily he isn’t credible, always being arrested, letting people down and even today when he was told to stay in a room he ignored that request and came out. Following simple instructions isn’t ok for him, unless he’s the one in control then he can’t function right. Just him walking out that room and me having to walk past him was enough for me to STILL feel controlled!!

My rant goes like this … it came to light today that he has raised concerns over the fact he believes I neglect my baby! Him and his dysfunctional poor excuse of a woman Mother. As far as I am concerned that is it they won’t ever have any contact. His mother KNOWS what he’s like and the very fact he has now gone against me means she has no place in my baby’s life. She’s disgusting and she should take one hard look at herself, you raised this man. You help mould him, and despite you being well aware of everything he does you have defended him. Scumbag!! Why would I want my daughter ANYWHERE near you, I will protect my girls till the day I die and make sure they are never ever disrespected by a single vile human being in a relationship ever in their life!

It’s laughable that they actually think that would get them anywhere. LAUGHABLE!! I wonder if he will turn up at court on Monday and appeal my non molestation order. I wonder indeed!!!