Tag: heartbreak

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Sleepless nights are the worst …

Posted on by KerryLouise

When will this end? All I can think about tonight is the situation .. I was so tired earlier and as soon as I try and sleep it’s bam!! Him!! What is wrong with me?

I wonder what he’s thinking, I wonder what’s going to happen next, I imagine how I’d react if he has another baby. I get annoyed that he may potentially never realise the damage he has caused. If I get the injunction it’s only a year and then what ?! It could only be 6 months. I’m not sure that is long enough, would I fall straight back into his trap should this happen.

I wish he would move away. I wish the police would do their fucking job and catch him for drug dealing. If he was locked up then I could heal better. I wouldn’t have to worry about where he is, what he’s doing and whether I will bump into him whilst I’m out. Just being in Asda earlier I felt sketchy and on edge. I cannot explain enough how just seeing him will put me back! He’d put on the charm, he’d beg and he would plead. Or would he? Maybe this time he’s actually feeling genuine hate for me?! Why does that even bother me!

Now I am standing on the outside I realise more and more really how abusive he is. It frustrates me that I ever gave him ammunition to throw back at me. How different would it have been if I hadn’t of? He would have still carried on drug dealing, that’s in his blood, although he says he wouldn’t have. He still would have cheated, again he denies but he cheated before he even went to jail so that’s still inevitable. He still shows true traits of someone who suffers with narcissistic personality disorder and I’m realising this more and more each day. Memes across Instagram highlight the things I could not deal with on a daily basis. I found my self explaining basic elements of human respect to a full grown adult. He never saw a problem with not being contactable or going AWOL telling me that he is a grown up man and can do what he likes. He used my emotions against me, emotions he intentionally provoked yet cussed and teased at how over sensitive I was. If he promised a meal out and then last minute he said no, instead of consoling my hurt he would explain that my attitude is exactly why he doesn’t want to be around me. Then he would never listen to me, I don’t remember the last time we had a proper conversation. Most probably when he was in prison. Narcissists are so self centred that even though they claim to be interested they don’t listen to anything you have to tell them. If a question was asked he’d ask me to repeat what I said and he never had a real interest in my life. Not really! He’d easily go long lengths of time not asking how I am, and if I didn’t text first he was quick to say how he hadn’t heard from me all day. If I didn’t reply to him then again I would be questioned but it was always ok for him. He was aggressive in nature when he wanted to be, if something wasn’t going his way he would sit me down and talk at me like I was a child. Every single thing that came out of his mouth was fabricated and not sincere. He’s spoke for months about how he’s getting his driving licence sorted, he would try and make me feel like ‘I was going to miss out on change’ explaining that he had work lined up.

I couldn’t rely on him. I was a full single mum dealing with the stresses of a relationship. He would say he wants to bath baby and put her to bed but turn up at 11pm. I would ask him to watch her whilst I went out and he said that he didn’t know. Times he did say yes he would use it as an element of control, if I breathed too deeply then it was his green card to say ‘find someone else.’ Every single bit about the relationship was truly awful.

He’d blame me for the fact we did nothing together, yet that was all his doing. I would hear him deal drugs whilst I was on the phone to him and he’d just hang up without a second thought. He’d tell me to ring back in 5 minutes and not answer in 40. His timing was ALWAYS horrific! Even right at the start. You don’t tell someone you’ll be 5 minutes and be 5 hours, you just don’t.

What am I worrying about? What do I fear! I know I do not want him, I know I will meet someone else who will show me exactly how a relationship should be. I KNOW for certain he won’t be no saint for any woman and it’s them that can deal with the shit and not me! He’s already disrespected this one by sleeping with me, and texts on his phone showed he asked another girl out for a drink. He would have disappeared for days at a time from her too especially when he had no phone so more fool her for not getting out sooner. He’ll get bored of her soon, he’ll bide his time for a bit whilst he’s trying to move in and then he’ll not give her a second thought. Narcissists don’t!

You really cannot trust ANYONE who can kiss you whilst you’re sleeping and whisper ‘I love you so much’ whilst knowing what I was accusing him of was true. Look me in my eyes and hold me so I can’t go, feeding me lie after lie after lie. Believing his own lies.

There’s clearly nothing wrong with me, it’s him!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

I have a great life ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

When I erase him out of the equation my life is truly great. I have an amazing job which I absolutely love, and I have 2 beautiful children who are my motivation for everything.

I do feel ashamed. Ashamed I’ve let him take over, he’s got me so under a spell I potentially haven’t been the best mum I could have. They have seen and heard too much and I honestly feel like the last year has been a blur. I’ve loved being a mum again but I do feel some of the enjoyment has been over shadowed by this black cloud.

Tonight I’m at the hospital with my youngest baby, she’s not been very well and has had bleeding from her ear. My sister is with me and it’s got me thinking.

When baby was just 6 weeks old I ended up here with her. I had to wake him up from his ‘girlfriends’ bed by calling her phone.. after spending the previous day with me and filling my head full of lies. He didn’t even have parental responsibility at this point as I had already registered her birth without him, I wish I had the strength back then to not allow him near us. The day was spent with more mind games, verbal abuse then love , verbal abuse and love again! Promising that his ‘fling’ was going to end soon, he was confused, I had hurt him and it was his ‘revenge.’ He left the hospital and went to hers, he was chilling watching TV with her whilst I was sat in the hospital!

Whilst in rage I rang his cousin… ‘he should fucking be here.’ He needed another man to explain this to him!! When he finally came I thanked him, I THANKED him! Who should thank the father of their child for just ‘being a dad.’ All evening I was just talking to him about ‘being a family’ and I begged him to stay the night. He did spend the night with us, lied to his girlfriend saying baby had to stay in hospital. What the fuck was I doing?! Now it is clear, such a manipulator!

I will also never forget the day I was admitted into hospital before giving birth to my baby girl. He was so nasty. SO SO nasty! He was disinterested , moaning he was hot and I was the only woman without a partner by her bed for the majority of the day. When he finally got there he was angry my friend was there. Told me he didn’t need to have bothered. I remember sitting outside and he was firing words at me, with a look of hatred in his eyes. I did nothing but sob, sob and sob some more whilst I listened to everything he disliked about me. Pregnant and overdue yet he still managed to make it all about him! Why have I continued allowing him in my life ?

Unfortunately I had another weak moment today and called him. There is NEVER a positive from these phone calls. I will learn this eventually. He tells me he’s gonna come see me I tell him no f’ing way and it gets nasty ! ‘What did you expect Kerry?’ He screams ‘Every day you tell me you hate me so what did you expect!’

Oh yes I forgot it is my fault you continued to lie and sleep around, it’s my fault!

Posted in alone, baby, cheat, Deceit, Heart, Heartbreak, life, Lonely, love, Mistakes, relationship, relationships, sex, Singlemum, Strength, Uncategorized

Finally I’ve done it. I’ve made the cut off!

Posted on by KerryLouise

Finally I’ve done it. I’ve made the cut off. I have to be honest I still hope for a life with him. What is wrong with me? But yes a good life ! No more talking can fix this now and yesterday I made the decision that I really well and truly can no longer be around him! Thursday he was lovely .. (as he is around me) and asked if he could stay the night.

The evening came and he was adamant in the fact that I was right , he has realised on his own. He can’t imagine anyone else having me. We deserve another chance. I felt content in the fact that he was spending the night, so surely this was progress, although still had my doubts in thinking he could have told her anything to get away for the evening. I made it clear that if he still had seeds to sow then he should do it , but said I wasn’t prepared to not move on just so he can go out and do what ever he pleases. He on numerous times said that that wasn’t what he wanted, he wanted me, he wanted us.

Friday he was still saying the same, held me and told me I had nothing to worry about. Friday night came and he agreed to stay in with our baby whilst I went to Milton Keynes for a few drinks for a friends birthday. I got all ready and felt positive, 9:30 and I rang and he said ’20 mins’ .. did he answer his phone after that?! Did he fuck!! How calculated and cruel does one person get. I wake to 3 messages all around 40 minutes apart and all saying sorry. He wasn’t that sorry because his phone doesn’t go on until 2:30pm. I was calm , he was off! He told me ‘he was coming,’ an hour later I wanted to find out what time he was coming. No answer!! He then texts ‘y u keep ringing me?’ .. is he serious ?? Obviously he lives in a world where it isn’t normal to ring their partner and find out a time I would be seeing him. I asked him what time and he sent ‘don’t no.’ This shitty behaviour is fucked up, clearly he was around her ! Does he not remember what he was saying just 24 hours previously ?!?

Enough was enough … I did what I said I was going to do all those days ago. I changed my number !! Not only that but I sent his little a girlfriend a VERY long message explaining how disrespectful he is towards her around me. How he is still sleeping with me and continued to tell me it’s me he wants!

Maybe I did the wrong thing, I had no proof he was with her and many would disagree in me ‘getting involved’ but I am involved. Why shouldn’t she know all this. I do stand by how she would learn for herself eventually that he won’t ever be a true boyfriend to her but the bitter side to me wanted her to know that it’s me that has walked away this time! I also wanted to make sure that he ended up with no one. Show him what it’s like to lose me and me ruining anything with her means he’d notice it a lot sooner.
This evening my sister called him to let him know he could arrange to see baby through her. He wasn’t happy about that! Charlotte told him I was completely done with the situation and how I couldn’t be around him when he behaves how he does. I’m immature apparently for not even speaking to him. What does talking do ?? Other than get inside my head. He explained he was at his grandmas so maybe the little girl has listened to what I said, she’ll probably let him back again but I know 100% she will wish she never did.

Posted in baby, cheat, Deceit, Diet, Heart, Heartbreak, Uncategorized

Man up!!

Posted on by KerryLouise

Baby woke me up as she needed feeding. Last night she woke every 2 hours but we both went back off straight away. It’s 2:30am and I’m now wide awake. I’m starving! A banana will have to do.

I’ve worked out that it’s now been 4 weeks. 4 weeks on Friday of Dom telling me how he doesn’t want her, and how he needs to get rid of her. I read back to the first post when I wrote how I knew he wouldn’t do it straight away but 4 weeks is taking the piss! I know a good chunk of that time he was saying he didn’t want me either but still! 

He come in tonight and again kissing me, telling me it’s me he wants. (He was bloody early too.) How it was just a situation where he was getting back at me but he’s not doing that anymore. I believe him at the time but when he’s not around I don’t. I really don’t. Then I try and think logical here, why put up with the stress from both of us? Surely he’s fucking tired of it too. Having her moan about being with me (well sorry love but you should have seen that coming) constantly whining about comments he makes like how he’s buying me a birthday present and me telling him I AM NOT WAITING around forever. Tonight I said how I will go with someone else if I find out he’s still sleeping with her, he held me and said to please not do that to him. As he left after our playfulness and love he promises he’s going to stay over tomorrow night to which I said he has a week to get his shit out of hers and get rid of her properly or I’m gone. He once again said ok.

Now at silly o’clock in the morning I’m thinking no! Not a week! Why should I give him a week?! He’s had long enough. She may not have respect for herself but allowing this man to walk all over her, and I certainly too haven’t shown that respect for myself but I will. To be honest this is the first time since Friday I’ve questioned his commitment to us again, obviously I’ve been waiting for it to happen. I can imagine what he’s said to her since he didn’t answer my phone call or text tonight after he left. ‘Ahh I’m so sorry babe for the pictures of me playing happy families with my baby mum I’ll stay with you tonight’ 🙄 roll eyes. 

Even if he’s not with her I’m going to continue having this feeling until he finally moves home. It’s not healthy. She did share some new bullshit quote tonight about ‘never finding another her’ so have to try and take that as comfort that he’s not acting all lovey Dovey with her still. 

This is ridiculous!! 

Posted in cheat, Deceit, Heart, Heartbreak, prison, prisonwives, relationship, relationships, singlemum, Strength, Uncategorized, Women

Tiny steps ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

After a lazy morning just blogging, merging my two blogs and reading over the old posts I’ve made I totally feel like Dominic should read them. Especially the ones of when he was inside. He could see how I was always saying ‘he was the one’ , how in love I was, how at times I was angry and got mad about the situation. I know he suffered but he needs to realise I did too!! 

I then made the mistake of reading over some of the letters he sent me whilst he was inside, it made me cry. Maybe it was all me, maybe I have completely fucked his love for me… but then I remind myself of all the love he’s still shown me since his release and even after I told him whilst he was still inside. It’s still there, it is definitely still there ! This blog may not show that love but remember people only tend to blog when things are going badly! 


The bit that gets to me is that he does talk of loyalty a lot. There’s many letters saying how he can’t share me, he talks of our children and how he’s going to let them know how their mummy is his queen. That word loyal , it stings me. It really does. I’m annoyed with myself for being as weak as I was. 


Throughout this year when we have been getting on he has admitted that I was always there for him mentally and that’s what was important. 



Then I read the above and realise, okay the other woman stuff may not have happened if I hadn’t off met that other guy but he still would have done all the other stuff. The cheating has only been the icing on the cake, the rest of the year was nothing to do with girls! 

I have a box full of letters like this. The letters only stopped when he managed to get hold of a mobile a lot more and he had it over night a lot. He forgets this and was last night screaming at how the emails stopped coming. How I went so long without visiting him, (genuinely due to money and work) and how he just knew something was up. I remember speaking to him loads on the phone, why would I send emails when we speak on the phone daily?! We had phone sex whenever he had the phone over night and he was still so amazingly loving even AFTER I told him about the little fling I had. Last night the anger and hate in his eyes devastated me thinking he literally couldn’t get over it but I’m adamant that all this love can’t just be dead and buried. 

I called him this evening as was expecting him. I told him we should leave it till tomorrow since he was running late and I had some friends to see. Progress! He was calling me baby and said how he’s been thinking about us all day. I briefly tell him about the blog posts and the letters. Once again he tells me he loves me and we can make it work. 

I didn’t call again, which is also progress for me. Often no contact is better than contact if he’s cold and distant on the phone so it makes sense. I try not to think too much about what he’s up too, even if he is with her, I know he’ll be thinking of me. 

In future I won’t be the one making any sexual advances or asking for a cuddle. I need to try and not bring ‘us’ up and just let him enjoy being with his daughter. Rather than talk about the bad stuff and where we went wrong which usually just annoys him and reminds him. I’ll let him enjoy his daughter and be a nice person to be around. He promised straight from work (again) and would bring a change of clothes so he can shower here. Then spend the whole evening with us. I must not kick of when that doesn’t happen, and certainly not have bloody sex with him!! 

If he doesn’t show, that’s when I will change my number. Changing my number would certainly make him happy too since he has asked repeatedly since we first met!! He mentioned today again how he wants me to get rid of any men I’m chatting too since he saw my WhatsApp yesterday. Bit rich considering he’s doing what he’s doing but I literally don’t want to give him anymore ammunition. 

Why the hell does he have me like this? I can’t imagine life without him. 😩 It’s bloody pathetic !!!!

Posted in Uncategorized

Writing is The Best Therapy

Posted on by KerryLouise

Growing up, I used to write a lot, pages and pages of thoughts, feelings and real life events. It helped me get everything off my chest. No matter how small the problem was , I would sit in my room and just write for hours. As an adult I have hardly wrote, not since it got me in to trouble that is. I kept a small diary when I was pregnant, complaints of tiredness, weight gain and an other half who had the worst time keeping known to man, but nothing worth reading and sharing. I began a blog when I was 26, May 2012 it was, I wanted to talk of the life as a single mother on the dating scene looking for love. It should have been wrote in more but pulling back snippets I can still paint a picture. It is still an interesting read.

Now my man is in prison, writing is something that helps me now too. I remember the first day he went, that very first evening I started a letter to him. I emailed alot, it has died down now as we can talk on the phone and see each other more. Today I received 3 letters from him, it really must help him too. He really does love me, writing is his therapy too.

26th May 2012 I wrote :-

I am a 26 year old single mum,  who has been separated from my daughters father for well over a year. I intend to get my whole life story written about in this blog, whilst letting it flow, making it an interesting read and enjoyable to write. There will be no holding back, somethings I write about I have regretted, been embarrassed about but then others have moulded me into who I am today. This blog is 100% secret, therefore allowing me to talk about personal and even intimate encounters without holding anything back.

I have always been an over thinker, always will be. The mind constantly analysing every situation imaginable and if something doesn’t go my way Lord help me.  It does not switch off, which brings me to this. Why I am here, why I decided to write this ,  and why I need to do it for my own sanity.

…… Heartbroken…….

When I look at the situation and summarise, I think “what the hell woman” …. heartbroken over a man (if you can call a 23 year old a man) who I saw a total of 11 times, YES 11 times. Its ridiculous isn’t it!? This needs an explanation.

I met golfer on a dating website. Ironically I was feeling down about another man who also left me disappointed and deflated. Nothing compared to this though, he was easy to move on from, this is proving very difficult. I first messaged golfer (yes I made the first contact) on the 6th February , we talked all day everyday for weeks and weeks. He was amazed I messaged him first, he even gave him self the label “lucky”. If I am honest his keenness at the start concerned me, I was not sure I wanted a boyfriend, a holiday with the girls was being planned, my close friends were all single. I have just been so used to my life as a single woman. I decided to go with it and saw no harm in dating and having some fun. I know why Chris is different, how he got me wrapped around his finger, he wasn’t all about sex. He never even mentioned it, in fact it was me who prompted our first time which wasn’t until date four, this is completely unusual for me. Especially my experience of the men on plenty of fish. The last time that I remember things being great between us was Good Friday. I went to his in the evening, he lives at home, so meeting the parents was necessary. Everything was great, he gave me a teddy bear wrapped up which included an Easter egg, he was very affectionate making me fall for him even more. Inviting me to his even included the suggestion of eating dinner with his parents. Alarm bells… this is serious.

I was so wrong!

Since then his texts were short, non interested, with no real urgency to see me. Not like previous weeks, I put it down to me possibly over analysing as I really liked him but I knew deep down something was not right. I did not want the “where is this going” conversation, fear of rejection or commitment not quite sure. I just put up with the horrible feeling for 5 weeks, in those 5 weeks I saw him once. He still text me daily but I just knew it was not the same. Eventually I decided enough was enough, I asked him if he had lost interest in me. It took him half a day to respond with a simple “I haven’t Ive been busy” text. Which I felt did not deserve a reply after I had spent the morning in complete tears, completely baffled as to why he did not feel a text explaining how he had made me feel rubbish deserved a quicker if not more a convincing response. Followed from that text was a weekend of no contact, nothing at all… the first time in 3 months we went without a day texting. It was horrible. After me confronting him again saying clearly you have lost interest , blocking him on facebook and twitter, and then deleting his number, we went nearly a week without talking. I missed him so much, the thought of never seeing him again pulled at my heart, tears were randomly spontaneous and more than anything I was just so confused. No explanation just something so great ended for no reason at all. This left me to make a very stupid judgement on someone (that’s for another time) and having sex with this person. I went to the bathroom afterwards and sobbed, all I wanted was to be in that hotel room with golfer, laying naked in his arms cuddling, kissing and laughing. But I wasn’t I was with a hideous man in a hideous situation. Driving home the next day I decided I had to talk to him again, I called my network provider and got his number back (yes it got that dramatic). I was over the moon when we had a conversation. I was drunk and I was excited about the prospect of seeing him once a week with ‘no emotional attachment’. Did not really think of the realisation of those words until the next day. Why does he not what ’emotional attachment’? What the hell changed?! For someone who made so much effort and genuinely enjoyed my company why would he not want something more? All I knew is this way he was still in my life, I knew it would most probably end in disaster, me more hurt than ever but still that happy thought of contact with him was far too appealing than being honest and have him walk away. This was last weekend. Since then he text me first for a few days asking me how my day was, we ended up having sex text (my power) on one of those days, a pointless conversation on another and our last conversation was when he questioned my parenting skills…. and after him saying he was joking, I have heard nothing from him since Thursday..

Why oh why am i still so hung up on him. I remember the man I knew for the first two months, the sweet kind caring made me laugh man. Who took me out and would text me saying “hurry up” when I was on my way to see him, instead I am lumped with a chump who sounds pretty miserable most of the time, had absolutely no right to even mention my parenting skills, and has not complimented me in weeks. I just cannot get the old one out of my head, I remember dates with him and my heart aches. I just want that back, I miss my “good morning gorgeous” texts. I just want to rewind to a day he was sitting on this sofa with me and he couldn’t keep his hands off me. I figured as I text him last on Thursday he should text me… he hasn’t. Its Sunday evening. I am lonely. I am now awaiting a response to my “how was your weekend” text. Despite being so strong all weekend, despite my head telling me this is the best thing to cut all ties, each day will get easier… my heart overpowered my head….

….. oh god what have I done?!?!

26th November 2014

Reading this present day does not shock me, the male involved shocks me but the emotions I felt do not. Forgetting my current boyfriend, and tequila who I spoke of in last post there has been other men who have made me feel like this since this post in 2012. Why do us women let it get like this? He was no way perfect?! We did by no way at all suit. I latched on to a man who showed me a different interest, and that is all there is to it. He wasn’t sexy, he wasn’t cool, comparing him to who I am with now think he’s Prince William and hubby 50 Cent.

AND he had a small penis. GOD!