Category: Birth story

Posted in Abuse, relationships, alone, baby, Birth story, Challenge, DomesticAbuse, Heart, Heartbreak, Mistakes, mother, Parenting, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum

They do more harm than good…

Posted on by KerryLouise

… in some situations.

Like I don’t want to knock the whole service as I completely understand how over stretched and over worked they are but in my case and for my family they have done absolutely nothing. They have been completely no benefit at all.

Social Services!

The scary thing is I spoke up, I was honest, I admitted how unhappy I was. Showed them bruises and was very open to the fact he came and went as he pleased. Yet I still was drowning and being ignored. As much as he and his family (now say) think that his actions were acceptable it completely is not. What kind of stability is that for a child. When he let me down, he let them down too. When he disappeared and was uncontactable, he did that to them too. What kind of man does that let alone a father! One that genuinely believes it is ok and has been taught that it is ok that’s who. Looking back at the 100’s, yes 100’s of times he either came late, or not at all, he literally angers me so much. Who taught him basic human respect because he certainly does not have any. He wasn’t just late, he tormented me with it too. So so cruel, would either sweet talk me and say he would make it up to me (still waiting), shout and scream at me for even daring to question his wear abouts, would simply tell me ‘something came up and to stop over-reacting’, threaten that if I carried on he wouldn’t come home at all. He loved me crying and begging him, loved it! If he promised to come round (more recently) and I said ‘not tonight’ simply because I was not up for his lateness games he screamed some more. Accused me of having someone else, told me that this is why he didn’t treat me good and he isn’t going to bother even trying. Sometimes he would tell me he was on his way and not come at all. If you don’t think that that is emotional abuse then there is something deeply wrong with you too! It’s disgusting, someone so desperate as a new mum like I was and he thought it ok to treat me like that. He’s an animal. I feel angry today. I want to scream at him, scream at his mother too and put that dumb letter writing bitch in her place. All these thoughts still going on in my head, how do I get past it? When do I get closure?

I’m waiting for my social worker. I haven’t seen her in a month. She needs to follow protocols and procedures which when my children are on plan purely because of witnessing his behaviour then what are ad-hoc visits going to achieve? As I said I even utilised my visits by telling her what was going on and STILL nothing moved forward. There has never been any concerns of the welfare of my children other than when it came to him. They can’t see their mummy with bruises on her face, or upset and anxious, or experiencing him not coming when he says he would (this is all in the report). They need peace and love and support. Him dealing drugs and answering drug calls in front of them or telling me stories of him getting beat up. Who will they come after next? Exactly why his mother sent him to Northampton. It’s dangerous for drug dealers and the loved ones too. He didn’t care though, he just thought he was putting in the work ready for a future (whilst shagging about in the process). I literally never thought I could have so much hate for him and I do. But with hate comes love (he used to say that) and it’s true. I loved him SO much. He made me so weak, I would have done anything for him. All I wanted was a good honest future for him. I knew he had a good heart and I repeatedly let him disrespect me in the hope we could be a family. Be in love! Fucking prick, shoved it back in my face all the time. Made me feel worthless, and for that I hate him!

I don’t dislike my social worker I just think she’s pointless. I also find it slightly difficult as right now she is my only connection with my ex. Technically it’s a breach as it is indirect contact. I am itching to know though. He is living in London, that was confirmed. Obviously him and his new ‘partner’ are going strong then! Highlights completely how much I fucking did for him here, without my home he has nothing here. Shame he didn’t ever appreciate it. He asked for contact with his daughter, he has asked to pass on presents. Presents I am ok with, the contact makes me feel nervous. It would be so easy to bump into him, I’ll listen to his sorrys. To me he’ll say what I want to hear and act like he admits the ill treatment. I asked the social worker ‘is he even sorry, or just sorry for himself.’ She confirmed just sorry for himself, still adamant I am making it out to be lot worse than it was.

ADMIT IT YOU ASSHOLE. ADMIT IT!!! No one gets to decide how he made me feel only me!

 

Posted in baby, Birth story, breastfeeding, life, love, Newborn, Parenting, pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, sex, singlemum, Strength, Uncategorized, Women

Baby had her first bottle 🍼

Posted on by KerryLouise

It hasn’t been an easy decision and I did ignore the health visitors advice for a week. The breastfeeding gurus on Monday told me to just feed more but realistically with this current set up it’s pretty impossible. I don’t have the support a woman needs who wants to exclusively breastfeed, I still get pain and I need to start trying to sort a routine. 

So today she had her first bottle with formula. I’ve also given her expressed in a bottle and she has fed on me since too so it hasn’t gone too bad. Hopefully she now gains some weight. It also gave me a sense of freedom already. 

She’s such a good baby , she’s literally amazing 😍

Yesterday afternoon I struggled. I hit a low again , sobbing out loud with that heart wrenching pain. He went to hers after work at 6am and although I thought I’d be ok with it I really wasn’t!! All his betrayal makes me sick and the fact he’s still going there makes me so angry and hurt! Wednesday afternoon his texts were pleasant and he even felt the need to text ‘xx’ . We spoke in the morning and I still felt positive like we could sort it out eventually. He ended the call saying ‘love you too.’ 

Evening came and he text saying ‘can I make it up to you I feel ill’ if it was his first excuse and he’d been brilliant for past 4 weeks I would have accepted it. But no … it’s not on. I made a comment about how he’s making excuses just to be with her … THEN he said ‘listen stop bringing my girl into our arguments.’ Is he fucking serious ??? His girl ?? Yet he has been with me for 3 days , stroking my face, kissing me, holding our baby talking about how he’s going to win me back. All done in front of his brother at times! Then he has the cheek to disrespect me like that! Mugging me off in front of a 20 year old girl. NO! This is where this stops!! What was I thinking anyway allowing him to continue with two lives. Even before this I had made the decision it had to stop. I had to be stronger … he needs to miss us now and lose us for even a chance of him fixing up and stop being such a selfish prick! 

A phone call to his bro and a suitcase and 5 bin bags later I took all his stuff to his dad’s house. I sent messages with abuse and he still text saying ‘I will always love you.’ No matey you fucked up. Showing off in front of someone who is half the person I am! He also text saying he was going to come straight from work. Again I told him no! He can’t just pop by whenever he pleases anymore! That girl child is welcome to him. He won’t change for anyone and I felt good for the first time in a long time!! I know he’ll regret this. I know he’ll be back. I know this little set up he has with blondie won’t last and he’s only enjoying the fact she’ll take his shit! 

He had gone to work and at 3am I woke to messages saying ring me and also saying ‘I know you’re awake!’ I did what I said I wouldn’t do but called him, same old SHIT! About how I hurt him, how he wants a woman he can trust. Who will support him no matter what. The boy is deluded. I’ve given him the chance of a proper life and he throws it back in my face. I’ll give it to him he does manipulate the situation so I’m apologising , I’m still saying after everything I’d still be willing to give us a chance. To that he just says how he doesn’t think I’ll mean it and as soon as I’m myself again I’ll just leave. He continues to go on about how well I was looking when he was in jail and how it hurts so bad that someone else had me. It’s all very childish and it’s all the same stuff we talk of. I need to leave him to it now. No amount of talking will make him see sense, he needs to realise for himself and it’s very likely I won’t still be around when he does realise. End of the day … if he REALLY didn’t care, didn’t want me and had ‘moved on.’ He wouldn’t spend hours talking to me about this stuff. He wouldn’t want to confuse situations by having sex with me. He would just say ‘I’ve left, I love Ariana and can we not make it about us anymore but only her’ .. the talking is frustrating ! Why bother if he knew 100% we were never going to work. 

Today I woke up feeling sad. Thinking maybe it is all my fault , how maybe I shouldn’t have told him my mistakes (as he suggested) and how gutted I was. That was until I read a few entries of an older blog of when he was in prison. It was hard reading the posts about how in love we were, and how strong it was making us and how he was my soul mate. Then I read a post where I was questioning my loyalty to him anyway. It was deep it was raw .. pretty much summed up how much of a prick he was before he  went too. 

Reality is … he’s never treated me right. Only time he did was when he was behind bars, and of course he would then. I’ve given nearly 3 years of my life to him, had his baby and he still questions my commitment!? What a messed up boy! 

By this afternoon I again was thinking how maybe me keeping a distance would make him come good. I have to have a little hope, even if it’s not for a relationship but for our daughter! She doesn’t deserve a pop by dad who only wants her when it suits him. 

He wasn’t interested in organising seeing her through a mutual person so I suggested he has her on his own at mine. Suggesting this Saturday night only put me under the spotlight with questions! Where am I going? Who with? What am I doing? He was clucking all ready! 

This afternoon he text asking how we both were, then said how he missed Ariana, asked where I was then finally said ‘please don’t ignore me’. I replied with ‘yeh we’re cool thanks’ nearly 2 hours later and nothing more! His reply 

See!! He’s not well! He’s a very confused boy and if he doesn’t sort himself out he will lose far too much and then regret this for the rest of his life ! 

I didn’t reply. He’ll be at work now, and I can’t lie I rather think about him being at work during the night than being with her. I know I cross his mind, we both will. He admits how it’s bloody constant, I literally think of nothing else at the moment either and even the most selfish person in the world wouldn’t be able to block all this out. 

I need to stay this strong. This time it can’t just be days .. it needs to be weeks. Months even! When he wants to see Ariana I need to leave him to it with her, I can’t be around him as he just makes me weak. It won’t be a daily thing either and I won’t be the one asking when he wants to see her. He knows what he needs to do. 

I’m just taking each day at a time xxx 

Posted in Birth story, life, pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, singlemum, Women

The boobs are in … 

Posted on by KerryLouise

And omg they hurt today!! I’ve managed to hand express for relief of some pressure but I’ve been breastfeeding with tears, gasps and a lot of ouchies this evening. 

I wrote a post previously on breastfeeding and how I hoped to do it. Not going to lie after that labour, my thoughts on that operating table were ‘I cannot be bothered.’ That sounds awful but I meant in the sense that I was physically emotionally and mentally drained. My previous experience of breastfeeding sparked the fears that that pressure and heartache would only continue, luckily I was wrong and the little dream took to me like straight away. She continued to amaze me all day with her minimal cries and long lengths of continuous sleep. Wow! Is this really a newborn?! My first was so colicky, sicky, unsettled and demanding this one left me thinking I needed to watch her sleep!!

I spent the weekend in hospital .. Saturday morning the thought of going home made me cry. Dominic spent the day with me until other visitors were allowed . He showered me and helped me with Ariana, I felt I could sleep better that way. I mean I know I said she was amazing but Friday night she made up for all those hours with a lot of feeding. I was up till about 4:30am feeding and cuddling.

Saturday night was worse. I was definitely more tired and she didn’t settle till about 5:30! I do usually (I say usually but she is only 3 days old) then get a 4/5 hour sleep from her. Dom went out Saturday night, it doesn’t bother me .. but I was texting him saying how he needed to come same time next day as I was so exhausted. He promised! That didn’t happen! He kept falling asleep or missing my calls.. 1pm he showed. Not good enough 😡 … he tells me he didn’t even stay out late, and I fully understand he hasn’t had much sleep either over last few days but I needed him. He needs to prioritise. 

Even by Sunday afternoon I was still in a bad way. I wanted to go home to have more help during the night but I was scared of how little I couldn’t get around. By 7:30pm I was on my way home .. not without tears tho. Still unable to cough or laugh without feeling a deep pain in my stomach and I was having a lot of after labour pains too. 

When I woke this morning I knew I had done the right thing. Dominic was like a dream come true , we shared the load during the night (obviously minus the feeding) and I got some proper sleep and felt more comfortable all round. 

Tonight Dominic has been a different story but my blog isn’t about his up and downs of extreme behaviour it’s about me and my baby. All we need to say here is one night won’t make him a father. I did tell him not to come back tonight but that doesn’t make it ok for him to not answer his phone!! I still find it difficult to get out of bed ffs! 

I’m going to attempt a walk tomorrow. My stomach has gone down slightly .. on Friday I felt fatter than I did at full term pregnancy ! So this is progress! 

Her last feed went ok apart from initial latch .. I’m dredding the next feed. I do hope she gives me few hours 😩, literally falling asleep as I type 🙈

I leave with a picture of my world .. and really they are only who matter ..

Posted in Birth story, life, pregnancy, pregnant, Women

My beauty born 16/09/16 ❤️ Birth story 👶🏽🍼 8:12am 8lb 3oz 

Posted on by KerryLouise

My baby is now over 72 hours old and I’m actually besotted by her. I finally have the energy to update my blog and tell my story. Although I’m feeling pretty emotional this morning.

Ok so that all important birth story! I had a pessary put in for 24 hours which came out at 6:10pm on Thursday 15th September. I thought that was uncomfortable being inserted, that was nothing compared to what was to come.

By 8pm I was contracting ever 7 minutes which was something!! Completely manageable mild ones just like period pains. I was pleased my body had done something after the pessary and I was quite comfortable sat in the TV room with Dom rather than being on the hot ward. He bought me chicken nuggets as I hadn’t eaten but knew I should try something!


At 10pm labour ward was ready for me and my midwife Sam was absolutely amazing. I was so pleased she was by my side the whole time talking me through it all.


The next step was to have my waters broken. OMG that was soooo uncomfortable .. I do not remember it being like that with Courtney. My midwife explained she couldn’t get to them because cervix was still so high. I had my legs in stirrups and bum in the air and I was squeezing Doms hand sooo much . Not pleasant!!

My waters eventually went during contractions and I was given a 2 hour time frame to be put on drip if contractions were not at least a frequency of 3 in 10 mins. So at 02:30am I went on the drip and it was by then I had to start on the gas and air. I knew sat down I would need pain relief. I had managed previously by standing, deep breathing and Dom Rubbing my back etc. I wanted to hold off on the gas and air for as long as poss. Knowing I didn’t want an epidural I was pacing myself so it would remain effective. I will still only 2cm!
Anyway the contractions were painful yes but I was doing so well with the gas and just breathing!! They got to a point where I was making noise during each one too tho. I still could picture Dominic dosing off at times and in between contractions I screamed ‘get that boy a coffee’. He told me I seemed OK making elephant noises with the gas and air in my hand 😂. I could still see in his face how he was happy it was me not him going through this lol.

Contractions started to come thick and fast .. Every half hour the drug was increased for the contractions and boy did I know it. I remember Dom, my mum and midwife stood up round my bed. I was completely out of it and then all of a sudden they got Dom to hit panic button and I just remember being wheeled into theatre so quick !  Like a million people! I later learned that this was at about 6am. The head rest on the bed came down, my gas and air was taken off me, I just saw the lights on the ceiling and people dressed in blue whilst I was rapidly being pushed into a big open scary room. It makes me emotional thinking about it. I was so so scared. My mum was crying, I was balling. Dom looked like he had seen a ghost and I was so scared and disappointed I was about to have a c-section. I was just begging them to help me! They got Dom gowned up and they were struggling to get spinal in me for the anaesthetic. He had to wait outside for this bit but I kept asking where he was. Twice I had people tell me how he was outside and has told them to tell me that I can do it and to stay brave. That made me cry.

The spinal wasn’t going in. Contractions with no gas and air were complete hell. In that time her heart rate had increased and so I was given the option to go back to the room and attempt a natural delivery again. I said yes please. It was like music to my ears! I felt like someone was by my side and I knew  I could do it. I was then confronted with another question ‘did I want an epidural’ .. As I was already in theatre. I was wondering that if I had one maybe I could cope with the pain more and my baby wouldn’t suffer. I was saying yes then saying no, Dominic told me that someone said to him he may need to make the decision for me to which he replied saying ‘she’s always said no.’ My amazing midwife came to the rescue I heard her say how she feels I am being pressurised into something I have said I absolutely didn’t want to do and that we would all make the decision when we got back to the room. What a star.

We got back to the room and finally I could see my mum and Dom again. My mum had been crying and Dom just kept saying how proud he was of me.

I had been taken of the serotonin drip and so they wanted to see if I still needed it, half hour went by … And I did. The contractions then got soooo ridiculous, this is when I first started feeling them in my back. It was becoming increasingly more difficult to remain calm but I was trying. Trying so hard! Being told I was no longer allowed pethedin because of babies heartbeat only made me worse and my body just over took. On every contraction I wanted to push, internals showed that still not ALL my waters had gone and I was only 8cm so totally not ready to be pushing! The pain in my back was out of this world and pushing seemed the only thing I could do. It’s like an uncontrollable urge , unexplainable. Everyone was saying Kerry you can’t push she’s getting distressed but omg I literally couldn’t help it’ soooo fucking crazy. I told everyone they didn’t understand and they should stop talking to me because I was getting angry. 🙈My midwife just said ‘OK darlin’. I did feel bad.

It wasn’t long before the doctors were back in the room and I knew it wasn’t going to end well. I pleaded with them that I just couldn’t do it anymore !! Begging them to help me. Omg the pain. I tried all fours where I did lose more waters but I still wanted to push. I could not stop it just could not!! So once again I was rushed into theatre and even then the trauma didn’t end. Once again they just couldn’t get the spinal in me. It was the longest 20 Mins (if even that long) of my life as was still contracting (and body was pushing like I needed a poo) and I couldn’t cope. My midwife had changed but I could see in her eyes she was just as caring and I even sensed she wanted to cry with me! Holding my hands through contractions listening to my pleas. I no longer cared how the baby was coming out of me I needed that pain to stop! All these people in blue scrubs around me telling me I needed to stay dead still , and Dom,  Who wasn’t allowed in the room again at this point could hear me just screaming’ ‘just put me to sleep I can’t do this anymore’ .. Eventually spinal went in and instantly I felt nothing then the gutted feeling took over me again …  I didn’t do it naturally. 😢

It turns out she got stuck too so was our only option. My mum said she was so emotional and she felt like she couldn’t cope and Dom said he’d never been so scared in all his life. If pregnancy hasn’t put me off for another one then labour defo has.

When she was cut out of me I could hear her little cries. Dominic then was just crying uncontrollably , I was still in shock, panic and feeling too overwhelmed over the whole ordeal. I was shaking like mad too which apparently is normal. We felt like she wasn’t being brought over to us in quick enough time either and I couldn’t believe it would take 30 minutes to be stitched back up. Still laying there so gutted! I even made that 2nd attempt and failed .. Felt so sorry for myself .


Delivering vaginally is 100% a nicer experience , I still remember pushing Courtney out and seeing her before I heard her. Instant skin on skin contact, the pain gone and love just feels your body instantly. My experience this time was I felt almost a little detached from my baby. Gutted Dom didn’t get to cut the court but I didn’t even get to hold her until I was stitched up. I could see Dom though, he felt that love. Enough love for both of us. He showed me her face and I felt unsure  ‘was she my baby’ .. It didn’t feel real.

When I was wheeled on to the ward it was then I felt that love. Still disappointed yes but I was coming to terms with it. She was absolutely beautiful after all and I had made her. My special little princess. ❤️👶🏽