Category: prison

Posted in Challenge, Girltalk, Heart, Holiday, Ibiza, Journey, lawstudent, life, Lonely, love, Mistakes, prison, Prisoner, prisonwives, relationship, weightloss

I can’t deal with life today ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

The PVB Blues have hit me. I could do with a day in bed, away from the world. I definitely do not feel like I want to go to work. I am sat in McDonald’s with a coffee and have 7 minutes until I need to be in store. The breakfast snack wrap made me feel a bit better but I know tomorrow I will regret the junk I have eaten the past 2 days. I was doing so well! I knew seeing him would make me love him more, and I knew seeing him would make me step back and look at the bigger picture. I still have 8 months on my own and there is nothing I can do about it. I want him. Only him and I couldn’t move on even if I tried. I am grieving, all over again. I got to a point where I felt ok, I could deal with it, granted I was thinking I may be getting fed up of it all but now I feel like I am at square 1. How the hell did I get through the last 8 months?! This should be the easier 8 months. Lord give me strength! 

Now I am in store I am sitting in the staff room trying to find the motivation to go and do what I am being paid to do. I think food and treats will be the on,y way to get through this weekend then from Monday its the 10 week countdown!! Ibiza time!! Not only do I want to look and feel fabulous but having that as a focus will help my mind set, my mood and my tired levels. 

Right lets being do this. I am strong! 

Posted in intimate, law, life, love, prison, prisonwives, relationship, sex

Just over half way as a prison wife .. 

Posted on by KerryLouise

I was fooling myself with the doubts. I couldn’t leave him. I see his face and I melt. I see how his eyes go when he hears my words about the doubts I have. It would break him. He is so in love with me and that’s enough. We kiss and I need more. I cuddle him and never want to let him go. God what I would do for a night alone with him no screws, no large room, no dogs. One day!

We have 8 months left, tag is looking unlikely after the fight he had so December 21st is our focus. Imagine the feeling on that day for both of us. I’m planning in my head what we can do on that day, hotel, dinner, drinks. I have said previously how I wouldn’t cope if he didn’t get tag but I actually think it would be terrible for our relationship. 7pm every night, we’d have no money and my single occupancy benefits would stop so I’d have to work more to try make up that deficit and I just think it would be complete stress! If it happens obviously I will be happy but it’s not a disaster if it doesn’t. I love him and he is worth the wait I know that much.

I spoke with 2 other prison girlfriends today both said they would never put themselves through this again. One had 2 small children and the other was pregnant and due in July, hats off to those women although they are dealing with shorter sentences having children involved would make it 100 times worse. I would also see the man as far more selfish, being a father and risking life away from them is unforgivable. Although I understand mistakes happen and previous offences can come back and bite them in the arse but some are just plain stupid and do not learn!

242 days to go …

Posted in cheat, Company, intimate, life, love, prison, prisonwives, relationship, sex

Positive mind..

Posted on by KerryLouise

I feel much happier today, far more positive regarding uni. Exams are so close and yesterday I was questioning whether it’s actually something I am even capable of. Of course it is! What a silly thought!!

Well my weekend… Hmmm… Well!! I worked all day Saturday then did a hostessing shift early evening. That ended and I came home and felt ridiculously lonely. I assumed the guy I had arranged to see wasn’t coming over as I had made it pretty clear I wouldn’t be having sex with him. I had only eaten a subway all day and the idea of any real food just depressed me. How is this life?! Saturday night, no one to talk too, no one to cuddle or even just have a laugh with. I cried at my local shop when I picked up a ‘mug shot’ for tea with the realisation how fucking on my own I am! Still 8 months later and I am not used to it. Is it something you EVER get used too?! I perked up slightly when he text and I told him to come over. We got on well, we sat close on the sofa and there was definite chemistry. He is incredibly attractive but my mind just kept saying ‘he’s not your man.’ I had already came to the conclusion that no matter what happened it just would not end well, one day it would bite me in the arse or leave us both in a situation when my love was to finally came home. Doorman had previously made it clear that he’s ok with being a side piece (thought only men had those) and in fact had done it before with another girl who’se man was locked up! No matter what would happen, I told myself ‘Do not have sex with this man!’ I was strong, gold medal needed I think and he left… pretty awkwardly left I must add but I know I made the right decision. I am not sure what I was thinking with even agreeing to see him, I guess I thought someone to chill with for a bit and if something ended up happening then so be it but no way would I do it on our first meet!! 

Anyway it’s over before it even started. He text the next day and made it pretty clear that that was what he thought we were gonna be ‘a booty call’ and if I wanted to ‘build on last night’ to let him know. I know I still wouldn’t want sex with him even on a second meet ESPECIALLY after his reaction so I stood back. I made it clear that sex was a big deal to me but yet I do appreciate that really he’s only protecting himself. He pointed out that chilling and it being about MORE than just sex is a situation that gets people more attached and he’d eventually be the one who gets mugged off. Fair enough, fair point and so we’ll just say goodbye now. 

Today I am missing my man more than ever. I need to kiss him!! I’ve kissed 2 men since I’ve last kissed him and I know it’s wrong but can anyone blame me?! They weren’t him though, argh why is he not just here!!!?? Yesterday I decided I couldn’t wait till Sunday and I have got in to see him on Thursday. Cannot wait!! I haven’t even heard his voice in 12 days! He may be changing his mind about me?! Who knows! 

I swear he best get tag in August. I won’t go till December not having sex!! Not at all!!!! 

Posted in intimate, prison, prisonwives, relationship, sex

Sex on the Sex…. I mean brain!

Posted on by KerryLouise

It has been ridiculous today. I have been feeling better within myself, almost positive that this time is going so quickly anyway and I really don’t have the time to miss him anyway BUT this brain, sex, constant SEX thing is bad. Its been over 4 months. I think it was ok at the start, I was so numb from the pain of being so distant from him but every now and again it does attack me.

For a woman it’s not even just about the orgasm, that I can do myself. I wanna feel a body, that presence laying on you. Their hands wandering your naked skin as you start to wrap yourself around them, arghhh…. I can picture it so clearly its frustrating. How does one get over this? I had more sex when I was fucking single… I really did. I do not understand relationships that don’t have regular sex, the female may joke that they don’t like it, or they aren’t bothered. Well my friend, I’m no relationship expert but …. ‘something is wrong’ … hellloooo warning signs. DING DING!! For God sake, to hell with all your sexless relationships, I pity you. Jail should be like in america where you get ‘alone’ time with your inmate to maintain close relationships. They would probably find men would be less aggressive if they got themselves laid once a month, it’s enough to make anyone frustrated and want to cause fights. I’m surprised he’s coping as well as he is, obviously he mentions it in every letter but mainly comments on the future and what that holds. He even made a comment about how he gave a porn mag away in his earlier sentence, and how he hadn’t even had a wank in a while. This is coming from a man who it has been known to have sex with me in the morning before I go to work, I go to work and then he would need another wank before he got himself ready for the day. I wonder how we will both be when we finally get our own time, back to how we was I hope. One thing is for sure the lust and desire we have for each other is insane. On the last visit he said to me ‘how come you are all I can think about?’ I sweetly replied ‘that was my plan baby.’ 😉

Posted in prison

Prisoners …. Open you eyes

Posted on by KerryLouise

The book I am reading and the conversation regarding the prisoner who died on new years eve has got me thinking about prisoners as a whole.

As of 19 December 2014, the prison population is 85,406.  In 2009 (according to the Guardian) 8,500 were former servicemen. The media and social networking sites will praise these men on a daily basis, yet they make 10% of our prison population. So for all you tabloid readers who see prisoners as nothing but scum, it’s worth rethinking isn’t it. Prisoners come from all walks of life, top managing directors who may have made a wrong decision could be in there for fraud, a lorry driver who took his eyes off the road for 1 minute could be in there for death by dangerous driving, or a vulnerable female who was used as a scapegoat for a drugs gang could find her self with a hefty sentence for possession of a class A drug. The majority are just like you and I, made a wrong decision in life and are paying the price. Ask yourself this, have you ever broke the law? Got away with it? Drove when you have been over the limit, looked at your mobile phone whilst driving or skipped a health & safety feature whilst at work. All these things are done daily, if they go wrong. You would be labelled a criminal or worse, a killer! A man was sentenced to 6 years in jail today for driving home from the pub, using his mobile phone then killing a 27 year old woman in a head on collision. Tragic. He deserves punishment of course, but this could have easily been anyone of us and he has a family who will suffer too. Now don’t get me wrong most prisoners crimes are of course pre-meditated but do these all make them horrible people?!  I know of individuals that have done a lot worse and spared jail, so before judging, think about this…. It could be you. It could be your son or daughter who you thought would never get involved in anything so illicit. It could even be your parent, your grandparent even, would you think of them any differently?

The next topic worth considering when thinking about the prisoners in our country . More than 70% of our prison population have a mental disorder.  Is it any wonder there are so many re-offenders? If you don’t end up in there because of a mental illness its quite likely you will leave with one. That’s how these people get so caught up in the prison system.  They don’t get rehabilitated, they get ill. As I have said I feel lucky that I do not have to worry about my loved one in there, he is pretty high spirited considering. It doesn’t mean I didn’t worry because my gosh I did. His dependency on cannabis scared me thinking he would turn to something harder, with it being a lot easier to get hold off than you’d think. Someone had died within his first week from a legal high and whilst watching a documentary a self confessed heroin addict admitted to getting hooked whilst serving term, and it being the first time he had even tried it. Worrying thought isn’t it? If you are worried about about your prisoner there are people to contact who are from what I have heard usually pretty good.

 

Posted in prison

Why has he not called?

Posted on by KerryLouise

The title of the post would have been for very different reasons this time last year. This year I’m wondering what the hell has happened since Friday when my inmate would have got his phone credit, not a peep out of him. Not seeing him is one thing, but not having a phone call makes it even harder. Last week we spoke every day, the lack of contact this weekend has been painful and has made it all the more real once again. I can only assume that now with it being Monday afternoon is that he did not order his phone credit correctly, or the screws inside have messed up. I do so hope he hasn’t just been stupid and used all the phone credit on someone not worthy like his father or brother and there has been me suffering. Well I guess I wont know until a letter comes through or until Friday when credit gets applied again. Its the not knowing that makes it unbearable. I found a letter among all my bills I fail to open this morning, it must have came through my door the end of last week. It helped me this morning, fate wanted me to find it today.

This weekend had left me feeling angry again. I’m paying for his mistakes. Yes it’s only a year, but it’s a year I am missing out on too. Memories being made, moments being shared, the intimacy I am missing out on. I love my visits don’t get me wrong. Looking into his eyes and hearing him tell me how beautiful I am looking, getting excited about the time we finally get to be together properly and the endless amounts of love he puts into his letters. BUT there are days that I just cannot deal with it, it isn’t a normal life to lead.

My male friend is on the dating scene, it reminds me of how life was before. He has just met a girl after a week of good talking, he had those high hopes, he met her yesterday and he left feeling positive. Today she has ignored his texts meanwhile whilst he was meeting her he had another girl who was in to him hanging on to his messages and probably feeling the ‘why hasn’t he called me’ syndrome. It is just one viscous circle. I’m now sat here on a monday evening, no daughter and the loneliness does echo, that pain is prominent, a comment made to me earlier regarding a neighbour and ‘oh we havent seen him for a while’ is playing heavily on my mind. However is it any different to the days I was seeing multiple different men, some acting more interested than others, some appearing every so often then disappearing. Still feeling very very low because I was not wanted properly by any of them. Not forgetting the time with the man I fell stupidly in love with and knowing I had completely lost him and was losing him when the evenings went by with no phone call and an unreplied text. He was the biggest game player of all. Then this time last year I had just gone through an abortion after another failed relationship with a man who never even had the decency to ask if I was ok. We may be apart but he loves me “as long as I’m alive I will never let you go” he writes ..and that makes up for all this sadness.

I would rather be in love and have a man in jail then be a victim of the dating roundabout.

Posted in court, Heart, Journey, lawstudent, life, Lonely, love, Mistakes, police, prison, Prisoner, prisonwives, relationship, Uncategorized

My heart behind bars…

Posted on by KerryLouise

The phone just kept ringing, well that was when I actually managed to get through. The engaged tone was constant and the phone just screamed call failed. 100 attempts and I was starting to think ‘how much, can I really cope with?’ , ‘is this going to be my life moving forward?’ … My brain was pre-writing the email I was going to send, how I would complain that I did not have the time for such a chore just to be able to see my boyfriend. How I had lots of University work to do now, and how once again ‘Life really just isn’t fair’. Then the woman answered… a huge sigh of relief. Its funny how instantly your mood can change, I no longer wanted to scream or shout I just wanted an appointment. A booking visit to see my boyfriend…

..

… yep he’s in prison… 

I often wonder how the hell this has happened to me? A law graduate with 4 years service under her belt as a special constable, a law abiding citizen who doesn’t even have any points on her driving licence and someone who was once so anti-drugs I just could not condone any contact with them at all. Now don’t get me wrong I am not completely innocent, I have debt that I just don’t really care about, more notches on my bedpost than I have cooked hot dinners and my lifestyle has sparked a few interests from gossips in the past. 

 Here I will reveal all, my past, the present and my future will develop under this blogs very eyes. I often joke about how my life could be a best seller, now when I look back I think why the hell did I think my life was so interesting. It is nothing compared to what I am currently dealing with. NOTHING.

I have always loved to write, I even started another blog a couple of years ago and I have a written journal I started earlier on in this year too. Both I failed to keep up, this though, this will be different. I will also pull extracts from my previous entries because the thoughts and feelings I wrote at that time was just madness.

I am 28 I have a 6 year old daughter from a previous relationship who I love more than anything. I am honest with myself and real, I am more maternal now than when she was smaller but that is something I can talk about at a later stage. I don’t have a career, I have had many different jobs since I graduated from university 7 years ago, but nothing that has felt like I wanted for the rest of my life.

April of this year was a life changing month for me, not only did I decide that I wanted to get back to uni but my boyfriend of just 4 months was arrested and subsequently charged with the supply of a Class A drug. I still remember that week like it was yesterday, I was on jury service at the Crown Court surrounded by other members of the community. I had made my decision that law was wear my heart lied and I would go back to university and do whatever I had to do to become a barrister. Little did they all know I had had my home raided that morning and my boyfriend arrested in my bedroom and taken away in a police car. Jury service had ended yet I still found myself in court, it all felt so surreal. This time being completely effected by whatever decision was made. The tears just would not stop as I saw my boyfriend in the dock behind glass and hearing his solicitor talk of the possibility of 2-3 years in jail. His solicitor requested he got bail so he could say ‘goodbye’, I could not believe the words I was hearing. The magistrates broke to discuss whether bail would be granted. I was finally able to speak to him after over 24 hours and we kissed through a gap in the glass. ‘Please do not keep my baby’ my head was pleading, my whole body shaking, just wishing we could rewind and I knew he wouldn’t do no wrong. The magistrates came back and I am sure I stopped breathing for the few seconds it took them to say ‘You are free to go’, bail had been granted. A huge sigh of relief and I was anxious to just get to him as soon as I could. ‘You are free to go’…. just so so surreal.

A

fter 3 and half months on bail, just a little more than the original 20 days that we thought it would be he finally got sentenced. I will talk more of this time later. The judge spoke. 3 years just seemed to keep echoing in my head, 3 YEARS!! How did the judge come to this decision? We had not prepared ourselves for that long. I wanted to crumble on the floor as soon as I left the court, I saw no way out. My heart had sank so far it may as well had stopped beating. He was gone, just like that. Taken from me for at least a year and a half. I questioned myself ‘what do I do now?’ ‘How will I cope?’ .. I had lost a part of me. I had to keep going it was my daughters 6th birthday, it is just something you have to deal with.

It will be 3 weeks on friday, he managed to call me on Monday. He had moved, he told me of a visiting order that has been raised, he also told me there was a letter in the post where he has mentioned my upcoming holiday to Ibiza. This morning I had received that letter, this evening I have booked in to see him using that VO. I am sure when the letters, phone calls and visits become more frequent it will be something I will be able to deal with alot easier.

I am now back at uni, it is just 1 day a week on a part time basis. It will be challenging but that is something I am not shy of. This week and next I have 2 days a week to attend, and I already have reading to do for lecture preparation.

My evenings since he has gone have consisted of a few tears, restless nights and of course my daily email that I am fortunate enough to be able to send to him. It really has been a life saver in helping me come to terms with the fact the love of my life has been taken away from me. I still get to communicate with him.

There is so much more I could write about on this first post, but when your head feels so cloudy it hurts and you are conscious of some uni reading that needs to be done for the next day I feel here is a point to end it.

One thing I feel I should point out is.. ‘I LOVE HIM’… I will stand by him and I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason and this horrible journey we are both on at this moment will END! It will!! And then we can live a very happy life being more (if that is possible) in love than we already are….