Tag: 30weekspregnant

Posted in Singlemum

Food is not love!

Posted on by KerryLouise

Food! Food right now is a problem. I dropped weight when it was all going on, pain and anxiety puts me off food completely. This stress however has sent me the other way. The need to focus on something other than everything he put me through I turn to food! Auto pilot, hand to mouth, not even thinking, food!! I’m out of control. I’ve had the urge to talk to him again today, over 2 months without any communication! I’m nailing this no contact thing, or am I ? I can’t wait until I feel completely free, feeling uncomfortable in my own skin isn’t helping that process though.

I’m probably being very dramatic and it’s not like all of my clothes don’t fit me (well apart from this one pair of jeans and the dress below) but if I continue it will become a major issue.

It is my own self sabotage! A woman I have recently met and become close too went Facebook live today, a very very real and raw live about her issues with emotional eating and I could relate.

I know that eating those 2 packs of belvitas will not make me feel good. I know it! So why do it? It’s the same question I asked my self when I would have sex with the ex. Good at the time but oh so very bad for me!

I’ve had a long running issue with food my whole life. I lost a great deal of weight to even have half the confidence I have now but since baby number 2 I haven’t managed to feel the way I felt before !

Let’s not forget I still hear him tell me ‘you were too fat for me’ as one of his excuses for cheating on me in my head. He also told me when our baby was just 4 weeks old that if I got my old body back he would have me back. Maybe I am eating more now because I have no body telling me I shouldn’t be, or nit picking at my food choices?! Who knows!

Looking good was always important to him, he always said ‘do it for me yeh.’ Even his letters from jail made comments about my body and hopefully I was getting in the gym. I corrected him ‘no I’m doing it for me!’

Then recently slowly increasingly having less confidence and feeling fatter and with that… more ugly! It doesn’t matter what anyone says if I feel not like the best version of me then I won’t be! I’m highly critical of myself and probably more so now than I have ever been. But I can’t blame that all on him, it’s always been that way.

So I’ve tried just eating better, I’ve tried it! But I know how my mind works and I’m an all or nothing type of girl when it comes to food! Sooo it’s back to basics , back to literally eating cleaner that my mums house! (Which is very clean)! No shit food at all, I won’t even start because right now I can’t fucking stop. I love VLCD’s (very low calorie diets) I’ve done Cambridge diet, slim & save and more recently Exante. I think they are brilliant for those who really struggle with their relationship with food. For me it creates discipline, control and structure. I will write more on this another time.

Now when I get into the swing of it I naturally can eat ‘what I like’ but that’s because my sub conscious is wanting healthier foods and simply just does not over indulge. I don’t believe that crap where people are stick thin and they can eat and eat and eat! It’s basic science, yes some people have faster metabolisms but we can change our own metabolisms just by exercise and eating better!!

Yes people do eat ‘what they like’ and not gain weight but as I’ve said, that is because they like very different things to a ‘fat person.’ I’ve binged at times, to the point I am disgusted in my self. Packet of crisps ? I would have 6! Then would find other things to eat because well that day is ruined so why not! Crazy mentality but one I see time and time again with others.

I know what I’m doing … I’ve done it before. It’s just getting my mindset right and out of this hole I seem to be in right now. Blogging this also makes me accountable right?

Ok fair enough I’m not the girl on the left, but I’m not the girl on the right either.

I was in London wearing that red dress back in 2014. Not only had I eaten bread that day for the first time in weeks and I felt like I was going to die (ok I’m dramatic) but also my ex had hung up on me purely because a man started talking to me whilst I was on the phone to him. It was so innocent but he felt I should be punished. How dare I be polite to another male when I was his woman right! I obviously begged for it and made out I was single!!Then he wouldn’t communicate with me for the rest of the night sending me in to a panic and emotional distress! RED FLAGS!!

I’m going to put some positivity in this and I did achieve this in just 8 months, I feel I’ve let myself slip though since this!

He took that photo, I begged him not too! He told me I looked beautiful, maybe he was humouring me! Highly likely considering he was cheating on me! Then our holiday in May 2017 where the devil him reared his ugly head again! The honeymoon periods never lasted long.

Anyway I will wear that red dress again! I will! My bullet journal will help me!

Totally loving this by the way! However I seem to be spending more time putting things in it than doing things I should be doing! Hmmm … !

Like my God damn EU Law essay!

Article 267 reading here I come!

Has anyone else failed at the ‘new year eating better resolution’ ? February is the new January anyway 😛

Kerry

Xx

Posted in Singlemum

What is a Bullet Journal?

Posted on by KerryLouise

When I first was told about this concept I took one look at it and thought WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL. However that was when the link just took me to pages and pages of codes and words that I didn’t quite understand!

That was until I found Pinterest. Wow! The idea of all those pretty colours and clear (almmost) organisation got me hooked.

I’ve had a paper diary for as long as I can remember. If I don’t write things down I will forget. I have a day to page one now for work, which is super shiny and fabulous and from paperchase (of course).I’ve always got a notepad on the go too. I love stationary! I am very very visual and when I’ve tried to be organised in the past or got a holiday countdown and want to track my fitness. I get addicted to draw graphs and plans. My notebooks end up being just a big mess of scribbles and I lose the pages I wish to keep for ‘blog ideas’ or ‘quotes I like’ or ‘ideas for my book.’ The ideas for my book is a biggy, I often get hit with triggers regarding the abuse I have been a victim too and its like a light goes in my head and I am like ‘oh yeh.’

So for me the bullet journal idea is fab!

I could use it for work but to be honest for what I do I need a proper diary so that is staying, plus it was expensive and a Christmas present. Some people use it for work and personal but I’m sticking to just personal.

I even FaceTimed my equally enthused bullet journal sister and we spent an hour sorting our first pages out together. It was comforting and fun.

I decided I needed to go straight in and start, over thinking it would put me off another week (as it did my sister) and so be it if I go wrong. It adds character right! Like how I got all confused and put that November had 31 days so now December is all wrong, but hey ho.

I bought a notebook that has dots and page numbers already noted. It has an index page too. The dots are great for drawing lines.

It is lacking colour at the moment but I want some colouring pencils to help with that.

The beauty is it doesn’t matter if there’s no order because it’s meant to be random. It’s meant to be unique. I’m excited to use it more and really get in control of my life.

I’m sure I’ll add to it and change it as well which is fine. I plan to be super organised now and waste less time. I WASTE FAR TOO MUCH!

It’s going to help with my book writing, my studying and my half marathon training. I also plan to get more bloody sleep and eat much much better.

2018 Goals – TO BE THE BEST VERSION OF ME

Watch this space. Anyone got any bullet journal blogs?

Would love to read xx

Posted in DomesticAbuse

As good a time as any!

Posted on by KerryLouise

Gosh I am shattered. My sleep is all out of sync and I have eaten enough the past couple of days to feed a family of 4. Usually people wait till the1st January to do things they have planned to do different in the new year but time is of the essence I will say especially when I have 2 essays to be in by the 8th January. Argh !

Ok so since getting my iPad for Christmas that I bought for myself I have done a lot of work on my book. The Facebook group is pretty active and since I only started it on the 18th December I am proud that women are already finding support from however I need to do those bloody essays. I wonder if I have taken too much on, and when I was writing my book and put how I am no way trained on the subject of domestic abuse it is all based on my experiences and educating myself on it. I thought hmm maybe there is a course out there too. But no no, not yet… I need to finish my masters first!

So on the morning of the 28th December 2017 I am starting my New Years resolutions now or changes. I will call them changes.

  • Move more – since starting my job my average Fitbit steps have gone down from 15,000 to about 1,500. This isn’t me, I enjoy exercise and love the feeling of my body feeling fit. I will get into that gym too!
  • Eat more healthily – this is so important for my mind space and levels of energy to concentrate and focus
  • Manage my time better – this is important. Less time on social media (although some is needed as I’m building relationships and gaining trust) but it needs to be more structured.
  • Daily glads – I will do this everyday as per Taz Thornton’s book ‘unleash your awesome’. I will list 5 things at least of what I am glad for of that day.
  • Money – I will spend it more wisely

And with all this I will change my life in 2018!!

Oh and every evening I will blog. Even if it is just a paragraph.. it’s important for my accountability !

Enjoy xx

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Control

Posted on by KerryLouise

It’s only 9:30am but I do have the urge to write. We all had a lovely lay in this morning and are all still in our pyjamas. I will get us all ready soon so I can go out and finish my Christmas shopping!

So my urge to write is after a conversation with someone which reminded me about a lot of situations I found myself in. These situations sent me crazy, he had all the control and he knew it.

I cast my mind back to August the last time he ‘babysat’ his own daughter whilst I went out! The lead up was awful, I felt anxious constantly that he would just not show up or say he couldn’t do it at the last minute. I had actually made plans long before for an alternative sitter but that fell through 2 weeks before. The point is, I tried everything to find a replacement and relying on him was my worst case scenario! My daughters own father and he’s worst case, yes that really was the life I was living.

I couldn’t find another sitter and yes the lead up to it was awful. He used it against me all week, ‘well you best find another sitter then’ and when I wanted confirmation he would scream at me that I was doing his head in, wouldn’t give me a time and another time back in June when this happened he got me in such a state I wanted to commit suicide and told him that too. It was fucking awful.

When I knew I was getting picked up at 7pm on the August bank holiday, I then kept re-iterating that time to him. The day was a Saturday and he had actually said he would come in the afternoon to spend the day with us. He after all needed to spend some time with his own daughter too. I wasn’t overly excited about the idea but once again the promise fed into my desire for him, I figured well at least I wouldn’t be calling him all afternoon. Well the afternoon didn’t happen and I then found myself ringing him every 15 -30 mins, each time him saying he was on his way and won’t be long. Can you imagine that from 2pm right up until I was being picked up at 7pm! Hell is putting it mildly! What kind of person does that for over 4 hours??? He does, I was used to this kind of behavior!

Then at 6:30pm he was ‘baby this, baby that’ and said ‘just get your friend to wait.’ NO FUCKING WAY! Luckily I had already spoke to my neighbour and she came to my flat to sit whilst waiting for the incompetent man who was unfortunately my daughter’s father!

The stress didn’t stop there for an hour and a half he wasn’t answering my calls! I had to put on a false face to all my girls and not relax knowing I had a temporary babysitter until the absolute prick stepped up and got home! It’s these reasons I will deny contact. He should have been with us all day, not eventually turn up at 9pm!! What bonding happens with a baby after that time!? If I hadn’t had my neighbour that night I would have been absolutely beside my self sat at home knowing my night was absolutely ruined and that’s what he wants!

It still didn’t stop there. He was then constant with the calls and texts and I don’t even remember what was being said. What was evident was that I had the control, I was out! He was stuck at home and he could not fucking bare it! He kept ringing after I sent texts threatening to not come home. He was asking how long I was going to be. Went from calling me every name under the sun, like bad Mother for being out and potentially staying out all night (double standards). Then he’d obviously think better of that and call back being sweet, soft and sorry. How all he wants is his family and me home and a good future together.

I opened up to my friends friend that night who is a social worker. ‘I am being domestically abused.’ I still was wondering how I was going to get out but the force of going home to him and knowing he was at home with the baby was so powerful. It’s funny isn’t it when I was asked who has the baby and I said my ex.. people automatically say ‘that’s good!’ It’s what looks good, without all the shit that was thrown at me it did feel nice too! My man with his baby whilst I was out having some drinks.. how nice ey! If only I hadn’t nearly had two nervous breakdowns in the process.

When I got home he admitted he tried to call his brother to come watch out baby because he wanted to come find me! That isn’t normal! That is him losing control and desperate to keep me at home.

After then I NEVER asked him again to ‘babysit’ whilst I went out! But has since had a cheek to say I just leave my baby with strangers. He would rather I just didn’t go out and that is the TRUTH! He didn’t come home all  night the night before I was going to my friends hen party back in June, I had to call on my first daughters family to watch our baby otherwise I would not have been able to go. THAT’S WHAT HE WANTS! He ignored my calls all day until finally that evening he gave some bullshit calm excuse that of course I was just meant to accept. It was this very weekend I decided, I can NO LONGER LIVE LIKE THIS.

He would promise an hour or two whilst I went to the gym, this man couldn’t even do that!! Scenerio went like this “baby I’ve got you, you two are my world.” … “You have let me down before though.” I would say. “Have some faith in man please, I know how important this is for you. I swear on my life I will be there”. He’s not…… he’s not that sorry, thinks it is acceptable to just say ‘something came up.’

These are not the actions of somebody normal. Someone with a conscience. Someone who is meant to be in love with you. These are the actions of a narcissist.

When I planned Ibiza it was his mum and sister who babysat. They helped me hide it from him too. When he found out he was abusive to the core. He said he would go to London to help them out and of course spend time with his baby. Did he? Did he fuck? This is what I mean when I say he abuses his family too! Promised he would but doesn’t go. That’s how important his daughter is to him so now it is for him to prove otherwise!

Something else also came up in my conversation this morning. He always used to tell me when whatever his argument was at the time was failing that our baby was ‘half black and had other family too.’ Making out it was my responsibility to keep her involved in his side of the family. Literally made out it was all my fault she didn’t see them! I don’t see them calling me or asking and equally TAKE HER YOUR FUCKING SELF! These comments would drive me insane, no normal sane person would use this against someone. She’s your daughter, spend some real time with her and TAKE HER YOURSELF. I actually spoke to his sister daily!! Which his comeback was then ‘yes because you are a beg friend’…. LOL couldn’t win see.

The first time he got arrested after I called the police was his grans birthday obviously I never heard the last of it. Doesn’t matter that this time last year on 23rd December when we had planned to go see his own mum on her birthday he rang saying we would leave at 11pm and then he didn’t contact me again till 4pm the next day! Christmas fucking eve! The sick dirty cheating bastard! He chose a girl who didn’t even know his real name over being a family and visiting his mum on her birthday! He still denies it of course! Letting his sister down too! I hate him, I really fucking hate him! I really really could go on! There are so many times he controlled, so much manipulation! He used control ALOT, storming out and not coming home, leaving me in an hysterical state either pregnant or with a new baby. Hanging up the phone, telling me to call back in 10 mins and then not answer for 40 minutes. EVERY FUCKING THING HE CONTROLLED.

Leaving the house every morning, I had to wait for him. Even though he had no intention to stay with me or come with me. He would make me late to so many things. Tell me what to wear. Make me feel like I couldn’t talk about my opinions and beliefs. I couldn’t even tell him his baby had a bump at nursery because that would somehow be my fault.

God I am so pleased I never have to be controlled like that again. The man needs help!

 

Posted in DomesticAbuse

On reflection

Posted on by KerryLouise

Today was my last working day of the year. I am so thankful for the amazing business I am part of. The director is open and honest in the fact she believes she has a great team and 2018 will be an amazing year for all of us. I am lucky that they know what I have been through and are fully supportive. We even spoke of donating to a charity for next year and it well could be the charity/not for profit that I have in the pipeline.

I am looking forward to seeing the back of this year. I’m still so affected by his toxic behaviours. I still wish to talk to him, to shout and scream and him and his family! Normalising his disgusting behaviour! His sister has no chance in finding a decent man! No surprises that he didn’t follow up his requests to pass on xmas presents or a visit. All that anxiety and stress for no reason. Sounds exactly like him!

Talking to M too much. It’s dangerous. There’s love there and he’s admitted that too. It’s NEVER going to go anywhere and well definitely not until 2020! Tonight he’s in a mood, it’s over something really silly and my initial thought was ‘ok it’s my fault.’ Then my boundaries come into play and I realise that no he’s in a strop, he started it and that the way he ended the call isn’t acceptable. Now don’t get me wrong it is NO WHERE near ANYTHING like my ex abuser was but I still have no time for dolls being thrown out of prams. So when he next calls me I won’t answer, well I’ll try not too. He can’t tell me I’m acting like a bit of bacon and not expect to be called a pig repeatedly. Ok we’re children, yes actual children lol. Fuck sakes!

I have big plans for 2018! 100% health and fitness is going to get smashed! My sales targets are going to be doubled! My book is going to be completed and I am going to keep empowering myself and hopefully other women along the way!

Bring it on mutha fuckers!!!

Ok he called me .. and I answered! His strop lasted all of an hour! My boundaries are a work in process!

Damn!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

This time last year

Posted on by KerryLouise

Really bad week this week, like a weird crazy emotion in my head. I keep imagining being hit by a man, a different man to my ex. I imagine and feel how that would feel, then I remember the times I was hit for real. The most recent time was one of the worst, hit so hard I dropped a little as my knees sunk. I engage in conversation with a man and half expect him to turn round and call me a fucking dickhead for any reason. Il

This time last year was truly awful. I was being cheated on constant, could never say anything right, tip toeing around him like I was so desperate for him to not kick off and leave me again. He would attack me repeatedly until I snapped. The states I got into were truly horrifying, he was miserable most of the time and when I even mentioned that I was buying his Christmas present he actually laughed down the phone and called me a liar. I felt so happy that I was in a relationship and buying my man a present but his reaction was absolutely heartbreaking and unnecessary. How pathetic I was!

I remember going to Bicester shopping for the day, the whole day he was in a foul mood and he kicked off at me for acting weird or something like that. He loved to tell me I was embarrassing him or making a scene but the only person ever making a scene was him. I was trying to buy him a hat and scarf set on the sly but since he verbally attacked me and completely belittled me it didn’t happen. Once we got back to Northampton and I was explaining what I was doing he mocked me some more and laughed in my face and told me lying wasn’t a good thing. It went on for about 20 minutes, I had made plans to meet my friend but he ordered me to take him to pick ‘something up’, trying to explain to him that I was late anyway and so I would drop him off wasn’t going down too well. He stayed in the car for a further 10 minutes explaining that I needed to wait for him, he wasn’t taking no for an answer, wouldn’t let me drive off. When he finally got out the car I had to go, he threw his whole coffee at my car. Later, it was me then apologising to him. He was just so so nasty. There are so many more scenarios like this just going round and round my head. When will it stop? When will I stop thinking about it all.

This is all because he’s asked for contact. I feel so fucking angry, no you can’t see your daughter. How dare you! When you’ve done all you’ve done, rather be dealing drugs and in another girls bed than being with your daughter. You deliberately wanted to destroy me and carried on destroying me when you should have been with your daughter. Chose another girl over me , three times! When just a few hours prior to this was telling me we were your world. I hear the words he spoke constantly in my head, one most recently when I suspected he had someone else which of course he point blank refused he told me he only went elsewhere before because I was too fat for him! God he’s so fucking vile.

‘I hate you’ ‘you make me sick’ ‘you will never be more than just a beat’ ‘slag’ . I need these words to stop! I want to talk to him! I want to say so much! I need help.

I just told M that if he never went to jail I would have left him long time ago. Maybe that’s true, maybe it isn’t. I remember having the conversation with my friend (who my ex hated me being friends with and now I’m not). She said if he was out you’d go see him and I agreed. I would have. I cried on the phone call, he told me I am strong. Even that reminds me of the narcissistic ex. Praising me for being so strong, telling me he doesn’t know how I coped with a new baby and knowing he wasn’t coming home. EVERYTHING is stuck there in my head I need help. If it wasn’t for my girls I would rather not be here, rather not deal with all this, rather not try and heal. Just not be here would be good!

Posted in DomesticAbuse, Mistakes, mother, relationship, relationships, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum, Strength

She set her boundaries and rebuilt her life

Posted on by KerryLouise

A week on Monday I am presenting my presentation on boundaries to a group of fellow networkers. I’ve distanced myself from reading all about narcissism and abuse for a few days. It got too much, and I felt I was reliving too much of the abuse. He’s an abusive man there are no two ways about it I didn’t need to keep finding proof of that.

I’ve been in a better place recently. Like mentioned before realising more and more how a person should be treated by a sexual partner or even a close friend. It’s mad how much I put up with and how much I justified and considered normal.

I’ve been preparing my presentation and the more I am away and out of the abuse I can literally tick the majority of any lists that are about abuse available. Like the Stuff that is considered as emotional abuse and not just awful vile name calling.

• living in your home, and not contributing to the bills (boy yes. Always promised money but withheld it when I did something wrong)

• damaging your property – punching walls/smashing phones (3 holes in my wall and 3 phones)

• serial cheating and then blaming you for doing so (ALWAYS)

• threatening to cheat when sex is denied (he would tell me ‘you think I need your dead sex anyway’)

• cheating to prove that they are more desired than you are & telling you you will never find better (I can picture him now touching his face , saying how handsome he was and how I was old and ‘past it’)

• attempting to control what you wear – YES I have a voice recording of evidence of this

• Sexual coercion !!

~ making you feel like you owe them

~ continue to pressure you after you say no

~ playing on the fact you’re in a relationship – ‘if I don’t get sex from you I’ll get it elsewhere’ and his favourite ‘what a joke, can’t even get sex from my own woman’ oh and ‘you just can’t keep up with me’

~ trying to normalise their sexual expectations ‘I need it, I’m a man’

~ reacting negatively with sadness, anger or resentment if you say no or don’t immediately agree

This was all taken from an American domestic violence website. There were obviously many more abusive traits I just kept ticking off in my head. An abusive man to the very core, and for so so long I didn’t see it! I remember feeling mad with my old health visitor ‘he’s controlling’, she told me! I got my back up, convinced myself he wasn’t as I was allowed to go about my business. But the truth is ALL these things are about control, controlling the way I feel about myself, respect myself, things I do! I could go on, but I have a lot in this blog already.

I’m so excited about my presentation and I have booked in 5 more slots for next year around the East Midlands area. I will talk about these personal boundaries and then also the boundaries business owners should have. With that it links with my work and what my services are whilst networking.

We have court again next week, I feel petrified. I am also worried I won’t have even sorted legal aid in that time due to the fact I am giving up my mortgage. I shall not worry myself, it isn’t something I can change. However what I can remind myself is that I am now in control. I now have boundaries in place. I’ve evidenced that within new relationships (I use the word relationship loosely) but I know what it is to be respected now and what not to put up with. Lack of consideration for my feelings, ignoring blatant questions I have asked, anything verbally abusive, making me feel anyway other than content … then no! He’s got to go!

Posted in Abuse, relationships, DomesticAbuse, Heartbreak, Journey, life, Mistakes, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum, Strength

A Queen will always turn pain into power

Posted on by KerryLouise

I can’t even explain how good it feels to not have that constant awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. It was wearing me down, wearing me down so bad.

Imagine hearing the bull shit I love you’s whilst still being disrespected and still hoping for the man to step up and be a father. I think about where he might be and I don’t care. Trap yard no doubt or with the ‘partner’ he denied and also disrespected. Having no contact completely was literally the only way. The longer it goes on the clearer I see. He wasn’t letting me go for shit, despite what any bullshit he tells anyone else he was not!! Constantly promising me a dream and should I deny that dream abused me some more.

Reading my old blogs from pregnancy, even BEFORE I found out about ANY infidelity I wrote about how I couldn’t forgive him. This post back in September 2016 9 days to gooooo ! When I didn’t even realise I was being abused. All that nice him is an abusers trait called ‘love bombing’ or ‘hoovering’ . I will do a chapter on that in my book. July 2016 1st July ! Another post where I’m clearly so miserable and so unhappy. All because of him. I don’t want to be bitter but I dislike him to my core. Love pfft, I love the dream he faked, the promises he never kept. I pity his pathetic existence on this earth, so young yet so evil.

It all really shows how unhappy I was. I wasn’t even fully honest, so scared of what people would say! If I ever see him again it will be too soon. I’m so fucking proud of myself. Look at me, look what I’ve achieved! I allowed some low life abusive asshole shadow my life. Treat me so poorly, made me believe I was worthless and deserved it. Wrong mate! Wrong!

My distraction agreed to see me last night after his night out since I wanted to go to my friends instead. After I had to convince him that I would wake up, I began feeling anxious he wouldn’t come. He text saying ‘can’t wait to see you’, I felt uneasy and remembered times my abuser did that and then didn’t show. He didn’t do that though, that’s because he actually respects other people. He isn’t a narcissist sociopath like my ex, he’s sweet, caring and just a shame he’s a little young 🤭

The pain that has been caused by my ex is unmeasurable. I just knew that one day I would find that inner strength from somewhere. I kinda hoped I could get to a stage where I was not affected by his cold unpleasant words and actions. Hoping I could break free naturally without the need of court intervention but like even his mother said, if I waited until he no longer wanted me. No longer wanted to control me, I could be waiting forever. I remember that talk she had with me, ‘I had the strength and I just know you have it too.’ Funny how now she has accused me of ‘making it all up’. There is something VERY wrong with people like her!

Posted in Abuse, relationships, DomesticAbuse, Heartbreak, relationship, Singlemum, Women

Starting to feel at peace

Posted on by KerryLouise

There has been times where I have dredded the weekends. Even when he was half in my life, the chaos and loneliness was mad. I definitely felt more lonely when he was in my life than now he isn’t. I speak to M on the phone every evening and I have another for company too. I don’t always NEED someone with me but communication with the outside world is always nice, rather than an asshole promising you his time, then bailing out last minute or even worse ignoring you when it suits him. Even when he did stick to his word it never happened without drama, without his phone going off as he was needed to go deal drugs or he’d be rude and nasty to me. Abusers like him will treat you bad then expect no backlash from that, expect it to just be taken and then use the emotions he’s created against you. If I felt let down, lonely or sad there was never any responsibility taken by him (only fake when it suited him) there was just more fake promises, more emotional torture and a feeling of ‘never fucking getting out!’ I used to tell him he was pushing me to meet someone else, I of course was a slag and a dirty whore. It’s ok when he uses the reverse as an excuse for his infidelity ‘she was nice to me’ ‘you pushed me to it.’ Double standards ALWAYS! On the other hand he would try and promise that it was all coming to an end and when he was done with the streets he would come back. Never let me go. Treat me like the queen I deserved. Always unrealistic dreams, I was living a nightmare.

More recently it’s became apparent he has stolen my daughters phone. What a disgusting human. There is literally no other explanation. She did not take it out the house and the last time we saw it was 29th September 2017! His birthday , he was here the night before and before I left the house he caused a scene because his mobile had been misplaced. Of course it was everyone else’s fault, and tried hard to not let me leave until it was found. Gosh he was so fucking vile in every way, shape and form. A nice evening spoilt because he misplaced his phone! In fact I say nice evening but I actually remember him being so late. I kept telling him to not bother coming but he begged me, put the ‘I want to wake up with you all on my birthday’ card on me. Despite being late he was very affectionate and loving that evening (weird since I had just got back from Ibiza.) Anyway since then we’ve searched everywhere in this flat. It’s not here. I did ask him when we were communicating between getting the order and the order being served and of course he said ‘baby I promise you.’ But I don’t believe him, he’s just a scumbag thief as well as a violent abusive drug dealer. So I will replace my daughters phone. The 3rd one I’ve replaced the 5th one he’s interfered with in the space of 18 months! 3 smashed up, 1 ‘accidentally lost’ (despite me telling him to not let it leave my flat) and now this 1 suspected theft! Yuck! What an awful human! Never again!

The more I speak to M the more I realise how abusive he really was. M opened up to me about how I had hurt him when I went to Ibiza and did what I did with another man. There was no name calling, no hitting, no nothing in fact he just went quiet on me. My abuser over used my actions whilst he was in prison, over used to the max and felt that worthy of the most venomous words and actions. Why did I believe I deserved it all? He had a choice! I told him whilst he was still behind bars what I had done, he still came out 3 months later telling me it was ok and he wanted me. Telling me he even understood! He should have left, not abused me for 22 months!

I also remember how me and M would have disagreements. Differences in opinions are ok, it NEVER ever EVER ended by him bad mouthing me or undermining me or making me feel like I was going crazy. I am realising more and more how I actually got so so used to being called a Dickhead (that was his favourite one). Used to being tied up in knots and verbally abused repeatedly until I felt worthless and unloved. Used to being called bruv, slag or how I made him sick. None of this is normal. Too much I took, and I tell you something I won’t EVER be disrespected like that by a man ever again.

I’ve had a real positive weak. Looks like from next year myself and 3 other very inspirational women will be coming together to form a group to put a stop to abuse. We also what to provide services for women (and men) who don’t think they can leave. Who need support, as currently what is on offer is inadequate. If it wasn’t for my work and the people I was meeting I’d still be in it now. That’s a given!

I had a moment yesterday thinking about his ‘partners’ letter. You know the partner he calls a mistake to me. The partner he has denied since I found out. The partner who is completely deluded and thinks I’m just a bitter ex. The partner who thinks everything I’ve put in my blog is a lie. I came to realise that so fucking what. She’s irrelevant, one person who has known him for a few months whilst being his ‘side chick’ has no fucking idea. If she wants to lay down next to a man who deals drugs, has no job, carries a knife, hits women, cheats on her (cos he has already) and take him into her home for no financial gain then go for it love. The day I found her number there was another girl he was texting too ‘want to go for a drink!’ LOL so laughable!

I have new interest now, something I thought I would never ever do! I thought I would ALWAYS want him, ALWAYS crave that nice side of him. I thought I could never ever love someone the way I did him. So desperate for him to just act fucking right. I’m healing, I will never allow him to touch me ever again for as long as I live. If a man doesn’t respect me, he isn’t having my body SIMPLE AS THAT!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Aftermath of trauma..

Posted on by KerryLouise

I am struggling. It’s all a process and ok I don’t feel as angry (apart from with the stupid interfering skank who thinks she knows the man I’ve known 4 years) but I am suffering with my own thoughts.

I spoke with M again last night. It’s nice to talk to him but even that bought back memories of my abuser. I remember him calling me July 2016 and I admitted I was pregnant. That day my abuser was terrible I had to run out of my own home with my daughter. He was on a mad one and just being vile. Telling me the baby probably wasn’t his, being cold and distant. Told me he doesn’t fancy me anymore and going mad about an incident that happened with his vile cousin. He had not came home all night after promising he wouldn’t ever do it again just 6 hours prior and I didn’t want to let him in. Not sure why I did. When I try and explain my story I actually can’t even describe how he abuses me the only way I can explain it is … at the time I could EASILY stick a gun in my head to end it all. Anything to not feel or hear what was going on at that given time.

Another time he rang me it was Father’s Day 2017 and it was the day after I have a voice recording of him stopping me from wearing a certain item of clothing. (Which btw someone from a woman’s aid type institute couldn’t believe how abusive he was) . His behaviour was again so so unreasonable, all week I had been explaining that I needed some money towards bills. He was promising me £60. I explained that without it I simply couldn’t pay for us to go out to eat for Father’s Day. I had to walk out, I walked out and rang his mum. His mum was very supportive and agreed he was being outrageous and needed to grow up. I wrote in my notes on my iPhone of what he was saying… ‘Joke mans gonna have to pay for my own Father’s Day .. like what did you pay for my birthday and what did you get for your birthday .. exactly .’ My response was ‘What this dickhead fails to see is!!! If he fucking contributed to my bills I could pay for stuff but money doesn’t grow on f’ing trees! Also back in September he was an awful awful person .. lying cheating scumbag and cheating on me so why would I buy him ANYTHING!!

So ungrateful, so unappreciative and where was he on Mother’s Day!! Oh yeh that’s right JAIL!! ‘ When he is like this I literally CANNOT DO ANYTHING right! Instead of saying ‘babe I’m going to take our baby to my nans’ he talks indirectly and I’m tiptoeing around him hoping he doesn’t fly off the handle and asking something wrong. Muttering constantly how things are a joke. Omg I can still feel the feelings, I watch myself being so pathetic and scared. He then controls everything, the time we leave, the fact I have to take him, he dictates when I pick him up and he is a fucking selfish asshole animal!! He thinks he’ll one day get me back!! OVER MY DEAD FUCKING BODY!! I am angry that he still thinks this, angry that the cunt writing letters doesn’t even realise how he was STILL adamant he loves me!! They need to both fuck off out my head!!

Don’t get me started on what he did on his birthday in 2016. Makes me sick and anxious and my own thoughts send me insane thinking of that day too! I can watch my own life like a film. I’m not coping! I have a doctors appointment on Monday, I need help! I drove to a meeting this morning and at 2 points in one of the roads I saw a film of me and re-lived the feelings ! What the fuck is this , I actually could avoid certain roads ! Too many raw awful disgusting memories. Christmas last year was AWFUL! I wasn’t as strong as I am now and if I’m honest the most traumatic events are older ones and I just need January here! Actually February that’s when I move, right now I cannot see me EVER being able to be amicable with him. I tried so so hard to but as explained countless times it wasn’t possible.

I fucking HATE him!! HATE him so so much!!!!!!