Tag: Family

Posted in pregnancy, pregnant, relationships

35 day countdown! 

Posted on by KerryLouise


Today marks me at 35 weeks pregnant! Eeeek! We are sooo nearly there now. I am SO ready , yet our home really isn’t ! 
The weekend has been a good one but I must admit I feel like I’ve just done a week in Ibiza! I’m exhausted !! 

I was up early Saturday morning all set to drive to London with the boy to see his family. It was his sisters birthday and so their was a family BBQ. I didn’t sleep great on Friday night after being woke by one of the stupid neighbours in the street at 2am but Dominic had just worked a night shift so him sleeping in the car didn’t make me mad and in fact it was quite nice to have some peace. He’s the worst back seat driver ever and honestly if he was sleeping due to being out on the lash it would have made my blood boil!!! Luckily that wasn’t the case so it was a calm drive , until we reached London THEN I get wound up with the traffic. Dom had the right idea by sleeping to avoid my traffic induced mood. I continually mutter how much I hate London and that never bodes well with a London boy apparently! I’m also unsure whether I got done by a red light camera. God dammit! Will have to wait and see on that one but yeh I’m sure if he was awake I would have been vile company after that. 

He then had a sleep when we got to his mums and I chilled with his mum for a bit and had my laptop. I then agreed to go to Victoria to pick up his Grandma. She’s a sweet lady, love her strong Jamaican accent and it was interesting hearing her views on many things in the car on the way back to Camberwell. 

I started to feel a little bitter when Dom was drinking his alcohol and all I could enjoy was a Pineapple KA. However I still bit my tongue to avoid me starting anything due to me being miserable jealous and pregnant! He was a nice drunk though, that I can handle. Started talking a lot of rubbish still but it was nice rubbish (if that is possible) and he was very loving. So I soon accepted that women just have the raw end of the deal, bloody men! 

Acid reflux was bad last night. Made me sick again. I rather just get it up than feel it in my throat. My friend and I joked today about how many anti-indigestion tablets I’ve purchased this pregnancy. She suggested about 100, Emily does like to exaggerate … But it could well be close. 

Dom was upset when I left him in London this morning, but I had to be back for my baby shower. The roads were so much clearer this morning, I like London like that. I get to my destination for the right time and I remain calm. We like calm Kerry. Calm Kerry is positive. I even remained super calm when we had 45 minutes to make all the sandwiches and cook the mini pizzas. Why do I remain so calm in stressful situations and even see the funny side with my friends but with my boyfriend I turn into the devil?! Hmm I need to work on that. Everything came together though and I couldn’t feel more lucky and happy this evening. 


Dom’s still in London though and I miss him, oh and my feet are defo beginning to swell now! Maybe that’s more due to the hot weekend and lack of sleep. 


I’ve had friends drive from London and from Birmingham today and some of the words written for me really made me well up. I’m so lucky and baby Ariana is already so loved! 

Now an overload of pictures:


Me and my 3 younger sisters. Using the baby balloon to cover the baby bump. 


Just a selection of the wonderful gifts from my amazing friends. 


35 week bump and my 7 year old daughter, who when filled out my prediction card wrote that I would be in labour for 7 days ! Cheers kid! 

35 days to gooooo! 💗

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The unreasonable man..

Posted on by KerryLouise

After studying law and hearing the reference to the reasonable man on many many occasions I am left wondering if this man really exists. My man is not reasonable, he is even that unreasonable he does not even know himself what he expects of me to acommodate his unreasonableness.

Let me explain…. so he’s been on nights this past week and it does work quite well. I’m not wondering where he is every evening, wondering what time he’s going to come in and wake me up, constantly being let down on a time, whilst I wait to go to bed. It will work well too when the baby is here, it always did when I had my first with my ex anyway.

Yesterday all hell break lose because at approximately 5pm I shouted something in the bedroom, baring in mind he was moaning about the workmen outside anyway so had already been disturbed. I immediately apoligised and left him alone. I then had to endure about 15 minutes of his poor attitude. Muttering how I was weird, how I was selfish… oh and not to mention how he should just go to his nans because at least he’d be able to sleep there. He’s kissing his teeth, saying I’m so strange, theres nothing to eat and just all sorts of stuff I just feel so unapprecaited and like a worthless piece of shit at this point. I’ve got better at not reacting but I do find I have to let my emotions out somehow so I cry. I then hear how ‘here we go again’, ‘always fucking crying’, ‘stessing out my daughter’, ‘crocodile tears’… eventually I do snap… breaking point. I attack. I get violent, it’s wrong and I know this but he pushes me sooooo far I just cannot cope with his words anymore. His silence would be ok, but he just continues… keeps pushing me and pushing me with his vile words and I just sit there and expected to take it all?

So of course after I’ve hit him, then I’m the bad one, I have a problem, I bring this all on my self. I’m vile and posion. How he can’t wait to watch me fail on my own as a single mum, and some other stuff that I just HAVE to try block out. He does slap me back, and he does get on top of me and holds me tight so I can’t hit out anymore. The same time his face so close to mine whilst he continues to scream heart breaking things in my face.

He won’t let me leave, he snatches my phone to call his mum and my God the lies and his ‘side of the story’ is far different to the events that had just occured. Apparently all he said was ‘babe that was a bit selfish’ and I flipped, then apparently after I flipped he held my hand and told me to calm down. HA fucking HA!! Its worrying because he genuinely believes his own lies and his version of events. Drives me even more insane. Telling his mum how I beg him to come here, how I’m moaning I am lonely without him. Must be someone else because that certainly is not me.

After he didn’t accept my apoligy he told me it was because I didnt mean it. I also made a point that he hadn’t sleep that late all week, he told me thats irrelevant and I shouldn’t be justifying that for shouting. I also reminded him how many times he has in the past 7 months, woke me up, allowed me not to sleep due to me not knowing where he is, and came in at 2/3/4/5 even 6 o clock in the morning. ‘That’s been the weekend’ he screams, I work fucking weekends so that makes no odds to me and equally it hasn’t only been the weekend. One wednesday night which is still very memorable  and I had an exam the next day!!!! His selfishness is so unreal, all because I shouted a few lines at 5pm on Tuesday evening.

Before he went to work he tried to kiss me and then questioned whilst I was being distant. If that isn’t bipolar I don’t know what is. I then send him a text telling him to go to his nan’s after work in the mornin. How I wasn’t anyones pity girlfriend,I also explained about the numerous times he hasn’t thought of me when rocking up at what ever time o’clock in the morning.

What a surprise, he didn’t listen. He was here at 6:40am kissing my face, touching my bump, telling me he loves me and to sleep some more. I slept in this morning, 10:20 I woke and quietly informed him I was off out at about 11:30. Told him to sleep well.

THEN…. I get ‘oh great you’re out again’, ‘I never see you’, ‘I work all week and you just go out all the time.’ This isn’t the first time he’s said stuff like this… He’s once moaned because I worked saturdays and realistically that’s the best day he can spend with me. He brings up on numerous occasisons how he’s tried to make plans with me but I’m ‘too tired.’ In my defence he’s asked about 4 times and I was tired as I have worked all day and I am fucking pregant. He does not let me live that down though, so it’s my own fault why we never do anything together. Does he think of me when he’s in the nightclub all night?!? Does he fuck! So I am not about to feel bad when I am doing things in the school holidays with my daughter when he’s meant to be sleeping anyway!!!

The joke is he even then tells me he’ll be up the same time as yesterday, oh God! So I tell him I’ll be back then so we can spend some time together before he goes to work. Surely someone working nights that is normal. I think he expects me to just sit in the flat all day until he wakes. Make him food for when he wakes, shower him and wash all his clothes too. For him to then just go out anyway!!

I was later coming back from my mums then I thought I would be but he wasn’t in. He then tells me on the phone he’ll be back at 9pm (he’s picked up for work at 9:30) so I am left wondering what his little hissy fit was about earlier. He’s either proving a stupid point or he honestly just moans at me for the sake of moaning.

From where I see it, he wants everything on his terms. He wants a wifey, a woman with no life, one that’s always around. Where he’s the priority and he wants me around when he’s free but when smoking and drinking and everything else is an option thats when he isn’t interested. I must try not to react. I’ve told him enough times I don’t want a life like this. He has insecurities about me leaving him in the future but he certainly isn’t going the right way around for that to not happen. Times like this I actually daydream about a man who appreciates me, a man who does little gestures to show me he cares, going back to dating and getting those butterflies. Not this constant anxious feeling of hate and resent because I’m treated like a burden on someones life. He’s missed his lift for work like 4 times out of 7, I’m then the mug he relies on to take him. I’ve also taken him money on two occasions because he’s forgotten it. He wants a mother as well as a wife, that just is not me!

Fuckin hell its 9pm and he’s here ……

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Fat Friday

Posted on by KerryLouise

Diet: Bad   Relationship: Good   Mood: OK

Another hot stuffy day, I was promised rain and it did not deliver. Looking at the forecast there is no rain for the forseeable future either. I want rain, I need it to be cooler. I’m still super lucky that I havent had any swelling. My feet still look normal sized, amazing since I’m now nearly 33 weeks pregnant and I had bad feet from around 25 weeks last time.

I do feel fed up every now and again. When I’m thinking about how long left and how much bigger I will get. I just avoid mirrors and that helps the situation. I saw an old work friend today and she was shocked at how little time I had left so I took that as a positive.

My sister and I took our little girls to an American diner today where one of my other sisters works. I did eat alot, starters which included mozzerella sticks, breaded chilli peoppers and breaded mushrooms. My main was a chicken, chips and coleslaw, then of course a hot chocolate fudge cake with cream for dessert. I couldn’t move for a while after and I swear I grew in size. In my defence other than that all I had was a bowel of frosted shreddies, good job really as even now 7 hours laer I still couldnt eat again.

I had sex this morning when Dominic got in from work. We’ve gone from every day to like maybe once a week if he’s lucky. My sex drive was insane at the beginning, now I actually have no desire. I do look at it him and think corrr but I just enjoy admiring him from a distance, my growing bump and inability to move quickly just makes sex feel like a chore rather than an enjoyable past time. When we hit 37 weeks though, I’ll do it ALL the time!! I’ll want this baby out!! We actually had no arguments today, he did get funny about me going out to eat earlier, tried to make me feel guilty but he doesn’t think of me when he’s spent all night in a night club so I wasn’t going to buy into his sob story. He soon got over it, he needs his sleep anyway working nights.

The flat across the road is becoming a real problem. This week alone I’ve told them at 11pm to keep music down. Then Dominic has told them twice, once last night at 9:30pm just before I took him to work and once this evening at 7:30pm. I just heard music again at nearly midnight. Tried to get their attention but failed, luckily it has stopped now. I MUST call enviromental health on Monday, I actually wonder how they even ever got planning permission for these flats. When we bought this flat over 9 years ago I was told the building opposite was listed and flats would never be built because they were too close…surely I can sue someone somewhere! Getting pissed off now, wouldn’t be so bad if the flats were like ours but they are clearly all housing association. Just last night there were 4 police cars in the street, an ambulance and a stupid woman crying drama, then the issue the other week with all the kids in the street. Hmmmm. I shall do my research.

 

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DFS made me happy…

Posted on by KerryLouise

It is crazy the difference 24 hours can make. The day started off badly, a normal pre school run row with the boyfriend over his selfishness and his ability to wind up my 7 year old daughter. I swear I often feel like there are 2 children already under this roof. He fails to see how his moaning and huffing and puffing is acceptable in the mornings just because he will struggle to get back to sleep. It’s not like it’s 6am and he is working afternoons or something. He’s just being lazy and selfish! I do remind him of the times I’ve had no sleep, or the times I would take him to work and be awake a lot earlier than usual and even the most recent time of venturing out to Milton Keynes in the middle of the night!

Anyway luckily I had midwife and health visitor this morning so it gave him some time to reflect after he admitted he has been a bit lazy these past 2 weeks. I really really like my health visitor, my midwife is ok but I’m happy that it will be my health visitor who keeps in touch after the pregnancy. The conversation flowed a lot better and she had a genuine interest in my life. I felt positive coming out of that appointment. She made me feel good. I’m pretty amazing you know what with my studies and my business I am trying to build, well she praised me anyway haha.

I then met my sister and step sister after, it felt good to rant about men. Luckily my sister is feeling much better today, her and my brother in law had a good talk and as expected I knew it was deeper than him just needing a quick tug on his man region every now and again. She still says they are a long way off building anything back up but she is feeling better within herself which is the main thing. She should no way be feeling like she isn’t good enough here.

We then managed to tick one important thing off our list of ‘things to do’, we ordered a new sofa. Obviously we had initial arguments in DFS but luckily Dominic did back down and said he wants to make me happy. GOOD!! Because a corner sofa would just look stupid in our living room… STUPID!! I didn’t plan on us getting a recliner so we did compromise on that and these new power recliners are fabulous and so answers Dominic’s argument that they just end up breaking. They last a lot longer. It is nerve racking making such a big purchase with such a big commitment. Total cost is around £2,000 and we will pay it off over 4 years but I’ve looked for a second hand one and when I was so specific on what we needed (a 3 and a 1) it is so hard to find just that. Everyone sells corner sofas or 3 seaters on their own. Plus, we have the guarantees, we’ve sat on it (I’m totally in love) and it’s something we have both chose together. A decent sofa is important in making my flat as homely as possible since it hasn’t been for so long. Funny how such an adult purchase has made me feel so happy..

Then this evening I also had a conditional offer for the masters I applied for. The disappointment after yesterdays grades totally do not matter now, this was my aim anyway and I only need a pass. Oh and I need to pay off the £880 I owe. I need to pay the half I have really, otherwise I can see that disappearing !! It will be fine.

Pregnancy going ok, apart from this bloody restless leg syndrome thingy a bob. It’s just unbearable!! Maybe paracetamol will help tonight!

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Mehhh!

Posted on by KerryLouise

Feeling pretty miserable this evening. Hate that I can go from feeling positive, excited and super optimistic to feeling just down right fed up.

I’m feeling my sisters pain, I hate seeing her this way and all she is doing is blaming herself. Making comments regarding her postpartum stomach, how she feels so ugly and worthless. Comparing herself to me and how I always have had a pretty face and how I stand out and she gets lost in the crowd. I cannot stress enough to her that this is on HIS head, not hers. My confidence oozes from me, and that naturally makes someone more attractive, nothing to do with me ‘being better looking.’

As it turns out this girl who my brother in law was having an affair with was purely texting, probably skyping and being on the phone to. She lives in Florida, he had sent her gifts and I had read the conversations dating back to the 21st June. They didn’t make nice reading even for myself so I can only imagine how it made my sister feel. He had said how he couldn’t wait to touch her, wanted her for life and how she makes him so happy! She’s blaming herself for depriving him of sex but I know its deeper than that. He said himself its the debt hes in, he feels like a failure. We’ve all suspected for a while that he’s depressed and I do believe he used this as an escapism. I am not sticking up for him in any way, shape or form but I refuse to believe he did this for a quick wank here and there.

I feel sad that my sister is hurting. I feel sad that this may, most probably be the end of their relationship and my niece will have separated parents. I always liked him, he was hard work at times and his political views were somewhat interesting but I felt like he looked after my sister well and that’s what was important.

Today I also got a mark back for a piece of coursework I did a couple of months ago. I haven’t yet mentioned in this blog about my studies. I have recently completed a Graduate Diploma in Law. I found this 2nd year soooo much harder than last and unfortunately I can only blame one person for that! Dominic! The stress he has caused me left me no option but to be completely unfocused on anything other than him and I can’t help but feel pretty disappointed with myself for letting him get to me that much. I did get an extension on this piece but that didn’t exactly help me since all my friends were discussing it when I was completely shut off from anything uni related. Many will still praise my efforts since I was pregnant and still studying but still, it did get to me today when the majority of the others were celebrating really high marks. I am pleased for them though of course, their head was in it…. mine just was not!

I wonder what it is like to be in a complete happy relationship. Does it even actually exist? I’m doubting it to be honest and I’d only probably go and get bored if everything was all roses and lovely!

 

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Trust No One!!

Posted on by KerryLouise

If it’s not me having drama with men it’s the close people around me I swear. I have no faith in humanity anymore, none at all. It was very little before now but now it has gone completely.

Not only have I had to deal with some anger I have towards an ex best friend who was at the hands of an evil man suffering serious domestic violence but I have also learnt some news this evening that has shocked me. In fact shocked is an understatement, I don’t even know how to describe it. The ex best friend story can wait she’s irrelevant right now, my sister is priority.

It’s 5 minutes to midnight and I am waiting for my sister to come round and see me. She has tonight found out her boyfriend of 5 years has been seeing another girl. They have a 4 year old daughter and a mortgage on a house in which she plays complete wifey in. All I’ve had from my sister is that she saw his phone, she went through it and the girl is Russian, sends dirty pictures and he’s been buying her presents. I am livid… so livid! What an absolute coward of a man to blame the fact that they don’t have sex on this disgusting infidelity!

She’s making me feel anxious, I don’t know where she is.

OK she’s here!!

 

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Happy F’ing Friday!

Posted on by KerryLouise

Who knew that within a space of 48 hours I can go from shouting at the mother in law to actually crying to her and wanting her advice. Today he had his same miserable grumpy head on and his vileness just made me completely snap. Lets not forget he completely let me down last night and it actually had to take an argument for him to admit and see where he went wrong. His attitude is just disgusting, he thinks its no big deal yet fails to see how he reacts to a lot worse than that in terms of ‘feeling unloved.’ Once again we end up in a slagging match and I hear the same rubbish like how he’s cutting me off. All I do is give him stress and he’s sick of it, and it’s all me me me. Eventually he calms down and the same discussions occur regarding when he is coming back, at 3pm he says ‘I’m having some food and I am getting on the bus… is that ok with you?’ In his cocky arrogant tone. Well that didn’t happen and I warned him if he wasn’t back by 7pm I didn’t want to see him tonight. I call him back at 5pm and he still ‘doesn’t know’ and instead of just being nice and pleasant he informs me he’s not in a good mood because he’s had an arguement with his mum so doesn’t want to talk right now.

Tell me.. please… what woman would accept that in a relationship? How dare he take his bad mood out on me. He continues by saying… I give him stress, his mum does and so does his dad because I can’t keep my mouth shit. So once again…. It’s my fault!! That’s it then it completely explodes, he’s shouting, he’s kissing his teeth, he’s telling me this that and all sorts. I then use other words to get him back and maybe I went a bit far by admitting that I’m missing an ex but it’s exactly how I feel. I am sick to the back teeth of his attitude towards me. How dare he imply that my flat isn’t good enough for his daughter, how apparently he’s going to get a house and she’ll get her own room and he’ll be with someone else and I will hate it. I mean seriously!! He loves to try and tell me how he could easily get someone else, and that I’m getting old. This is all his paranoia talking, he’s so sure I’m going to end up leaving him. I wouldn’t even consider it if he wasn’t such an asshole.

I’m then being shouted at, being called a snake, being told I’m a tramp and I mean nothing to him and how there is not going back from this. He cut the call with his usual line of ‘get off my line man’… usually I would be beside myself and keep calling him back but I knew it wouldn’t get me anywhere. The only person I could turn too right now was his mum.

It was actually a really good phone call. I felt so much better and believe it or not she was completely on my side. She had told me she has seen a different side to him and that week he had been there was like hell, so she can obviously appreciate how I have felt for the past 7 months.

I started the phone call by crying and apologising and saying I didn’t know who to turn too but I am just so sick of his attitude and his anger. I finished my opening line saying I genuinely think he is unwell… and she agreed. Phew! The conversation was going to go the way I intended. It was always going to be a risk calling her, she was either going to think that it was all in my head and I was the problem or she would see it from my side and thankfully it was the latter. She told me she could see her ex husband in him (not his dad) the irrational behaviour, the shouting, the short temper. She advised that I needed to cut him off, it was the only way he would learn. Told me to put myself first and yes it is hard as she has been there but he needs to learn the harder way and make decisions himself. All this is not normal behaviour, I have suspected for a while now that he has a cannabis problem and his mum has said the same. He needs that to stop and I need to be strong and not be around him until it does stop.

I am weak, I admit that, when it comes to him I am weak!! I called him about 3 and half hours after the row. He wouldn’t be used to that as he’d be so used to me constantly trying to ring so I knew I’d get a different reception. ‘Hi darling’ … didn’t imagine a greeting as nice as that but I think it only shows exactly his bipolar behaviour. I found my self at times telling him to calm down, telling him to not over-react, trying to play nice because I just do not want to end this call on a negative. He contradicts himself all the time because he will bring up things I’ve said, then I’ll say how he’s said worse and then blame me for bringing up things from the past when we drew a line under it on Wednesday. Sometimes there is just no educating people like that… he’ll accuse me of things he’s doing the same if not worse.

After much tit for tat, he promised he’d be back to night. Thing is I don’t care if he doesn’t but I want to be the one to say ‘no don’t bother’. I don’t want to be hearing him say ‘I need space’… like wtf you’ve had a week and its you who is the problem not me. I want a man who wants to be making it up to me not distancing himself because he thinks I’m the problem. His phone is dead again now and honestly not holding out on much hope he’ll end up back tonight. He spoke about the cannabis and he said how I just need to watch because when the baby comes he won’t go anywhere near it. How he’s going to be so overwhelmed and overjoyed that cannabis withdrawal won’t affect him at all. Compared himself to my ex, as I have often said he changed completely when my eldest daughter came. Slight difference though…. he was never addicted to a drug. Dominic needs a professional to help him, he thinks he isn’t addicted…. HE IS! He goes from saying whats the point in him trying with me to him saying ‘ok what if I cut down the weed smoking’ and blaming it on mixing alcohol with the drug. He does listen when I tell him straight that it’s the daily use that’s the problem but he always does. Doesn’t mean he stops. I honestly think he’s a confused boy who is addicted to this awful drug. His brother is in a mental hospital due to cannabis abuse…. surely this should be enough?

According to the phone call his train should be pulling in now, besides the time he spent in jail I’ve had 2 and half years of hearing promises about times and when he’s coming and the truth is he has no fucking idea how to keep a promise. So you tend to just stop expecting anything. That’s sad really sad, if I can’t rely on my own boyfriend whilst I’m pregnant with his child then where the hell does that leave us?!

I need to be much stronger though his mum is right. I probably made a mistake by calling him but I must make a promise to myself and to this blog now. If he does not show tonight then that is it… I won’t be returning his calls, I won’t be replying to his texts or even answering his calls. He will learn the hard way, he can understand what it feels like to have a partner who isn’t contactable.

Lord give me strength to do this!

 

 

 

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3am Lasagne

Posted on by KerryLouise

It’s 3:30am and I am wide awake because I feel so angry. This is why I care less, it just makes this bullshit easier to cope with and then as soon as I let my guard down slightly I get fucked over once again!

Dominic totally over-reacted earlier because I didn’t want to facetime, he’s still in London as he has been all week and he goes into self-pity mode which is ‘why do I bother’, ‘you wonder why I’m not nice’ and ‘you just throw it in mans face.’ Like seriously?? Because I didn’t want to facetime???

It then got worse he asked me for his facebook log on and OK maybe I delayed my response on purpose slightly but I was on the school run and I did think ‘no fuck him he can wait.’ The amount of times I’ve had to wait on him it wouldn’t hurt him to wait just a few fucking minutes. The truth is he cannot deal with things that do not go his way. I was called tapped, he told me that I won’t be the one laughing and even said how when his daughter asks why he’s not with mummy he will tell her that its because I don’t do anything for him. When I told him to stop texting me as it was upsetting me too much he just replies with ‘Stress can cause deformity’. It can’t… but even the fact he can say that to me and has said it to me numerous times you have to question what type of person he is. Emotional abuse and yet the only one to ever cause me any stress…. is him!! I don’t think he’s well, what normal rational person would behave like this over facetime and an email address like really?? I then just called him because all this texting was stupid and as normal it was just back and forwards words on who can hurt each other more, even though I must say this time I just took it well as much as I could tolerate.

We were then on the phone for way over an hour, some of it was ok but alot of it was just more stress. Bought up how he doesn’t feel like I want a future with him, how he hasn’t even touched me in 2 weeks (baring in mind he’s been away a week and the week before I told him I wasn’t going to have sex with someone who talks to me so badly). He also said how it’s just boring between us these days and we don’t laugh together anymore. When will he accept responsibility for this??? When will he realise thats words like that do not help the situation and equally take note, I’m fucking pregnant and when his idea of fun is going out and getting wasted that doesn’t leave me much choice but to be ‘boring’. There was some other bullshit but it just goes round in circles and it’s pretty pathetic and in all honesty it just shows me how unstable he is. His need for love and affection is crazy, he says all this one day but the day before he can say the complete opposite. I’ve told him he should speak to a professional as he has been through a bloody lot but seriously I question how much more can I take.

The conversation did end on a plus and he was planning to come back tonight. I called him at 10pm and said ‘I can’t wait to see you’ , sometimes you have to just sweet talk these type of people, I know it keeps him sweet. It was a genuine feeling though. His battery was about to die (shock) and he said to send the train times to his sister. I wake up at 1:57am and try and call him … phone dead (no surprise) and he’s obviously not here. Annoyingly though he had text me at 2am from his sisters phone but because I put my phone down and tried to go back to sleep I did not realise until 2:50am.

“babe I didn’t make it but I’m getting a lift home ok love you so much. Ps: Don’t eat the lasagne. Sweet Dreams”

Well no shit sherlock obviously I know you didn’t ‘make it’, but why?? Why am I not his priority? Why leave it till 2 fucking AM to send me a text that quite frankly shows I am just a second thought! See now I am writing this I’m wondering if I am over-reacting, at least he text (theres been a million and one times where I havent even got that), but my point is….. I haven’t seen him for a week. What could have possibly been his reasoning for ‘not making it’ and I tell him like a fucking fool how I couldn’t wait to see him. He moans at me for throwing his kindness back in his face… what has he just done to me?!?!

Well his lasagne can go in the bin, notice how I don’t get a time on tomorrow either and knowing him it’ll be late. So much for him wanting to spending the whole weekend with me. I’m working saturday so he can stay there…. I’m not being disturbed again tomorrow night. He disturbs me being here, disturbs me when he’s meant to be here and isn’t and I am much better off just not expecting him and just having him not around me at all. Then he gets all emotional when I say I’m not missing him…. why would I miss someone who does this?? I’m used to being on my own and I much rather be on my own with no stress. I don’t stress as there is no wondering where he is or what time he’s going to show up. I don’t have to fear what type of mood he’s in and I can watch what ever I want on the TV. Oh and not to mention the whole bed to myself.

4am now and I’m still not tired at all, had some more lasagne before I even wrote this lol… perks of being pregnant right.

Wish I had some chocolate !!

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Explosion!!

Posted on by KerryLouise

I don’t know any other way to put it other than today the beast of the mother in law and myself came to blows!! I wish it hadn’t of happened over the telephone but it did, and it has and now I just need to get over it and hope she drops any stupid grudge she has against me too.

I explained briefly on Sunday that there was some animosity between us, she’s lied in the past. She’s behaved distant and just plain odd previously and our relationship just became pretty strained and I never understood why.  Early on she was like my rock, we spoke alot and helped each other through the grieving process of him going to jail then something changed.

In February 2015 she told me some things that explained it all. I don’t actually blame her for having these thoughts after all he is her son and I am 7 years older than him with a daughter from a previous relationship but I just explained that being in a relationship does not mean he cannot still have a life. She implied I would hold him back basically, that he was too young to settle down and he has his whole life ahead of him. It was hard to hear but it didn’t turn into an argument on the phone at all. The vibe between us just changed. Other things added to this too, like the time she lied about even booking a visit to see him, ignored my text messages, told my best friend one thing and me another. It was all just strange and I figured I was better off away from it.

Baring in mind I have not even spoke to the woman since January but I hear from her daughter that yes she doesn’t like me and its for all the things she has previously said to me about controlling visits, pushing her away and trapping him. PLEASE!! During the second half of his sentence I didn’t even go to see him much, she could have visited no problem.

Today it came to blows, she denied ever saying any of that stuff to me back in February and I just could not believe what she was saying. HOW? Just HOW can someone bare face lie about something like that. I called her a liar, I told her she was poison she said some things about how she didn’t need to bow down to every word I said. But hey ho whatever, she can continue being bitter. It’ll be her loss when she isn’t involved in her granddaughters life the way she should be!

In fairness she did end the conversation saying we need to draw a line and I agreed but I still don’t feel welcome. I still don’t feel like I particularly want to visit there with my baby, but thank the Lord she lives far away.

At the end of the day her son loves me and she needs to just accept that. Yes he’s been an asshole in the past but so have I and what we don’t need is other people adding even more strains to our relationship. Boy we’ve been through enough and what it always boils down to is me and him. No one else matters other than me, him, my eldest daughter and this new little baby I am growing. As long as we are all happy then fuck the rest!!

I almost feel like I’m justifying his behaviour since his release tonight. Maybe I am, maybe I am just accepting that we’ve had it bloody hard. Survived a prison sentence, where I did meet someone else during and then fell pregnant within 2 days upon his release. Men struggle when their women get pregnant generally anyway. It takes them longer to accept the major life changes before them, or they accept them but they try and do everything they can before that time has come. Add that all to the fact that we had just spent 16 months apart and we’ve got a pretty tough situation. We haven’t given up though and that has to count for something.

I am definitely in a positive mood today …. If only that lasted!!

 

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30 weeks pregnant !!

Posted on by KerryLouise

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Cant believe I’ve hit the 30 week mark now. Baby girl could come as early as just 7 weeks away … I doubt it tho! If she’s anything like her daddy she will come in October! No joke!

Baby has been super active this evening. It is incredible how she’s just inside me .. Chilling … Giving me a nudge every so often! I love it!

I’ve had a good day really, mood has been ok. It’s my friends birthday tomorrow and I had agreed to join them in Birmingham tomorrow lunch. After Friday I thought what a stupid idea it was as I struggle walking around my local Tesco but I’m going to go! It’s a social event and I think it would do me good.

The picture above is a comparison of how I looked this time last year compared to now. What a difference , it is a little depressing but I don’t feel so bad about it as I thought I would. I’m growing my baby girl and that’s amazing. Plus I know I’ll get back to my original size , that’s my motivation !

I figured my post tonight would be regarding the mother in law. I’ve had quite  a long conversation with my boyfriends sister today and it brought up loads of memories regarding her behaviour last year which has constituted to us not getting on. She has clearly admitted to people she doesn’t like me, and I’m pretty sure her only reason is that she is far too protective over her precious son so much so that she doesn’t want any woman to have him! Behave !! I’ve left it too late to get into it all right now but I will. I do wonder how she’ll be with her grandaughter when she’s here. It’s going to be interesting that’s for sure !!