Tag: love

Posted in baby, breastfeeding, life, Newborn, Parenting, pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, singlemum, Uncategorized, Women

My baby is 3 weeks old ! 

Posted on by KerryLouise

Today my baby is 3 weeks old , she is so alert and everyone who sees her can’t get over how beautiful she is. This makes me sad that her own father is missing out on this joy. 

I woke up feeling low again. More disappointed that he hasn’t attempted to find out how she is. Be how you like to me but your innocent baby doesn’t deserve this. I made a decision this morning to go and see his probation type officer person. She’s there to try get ex-offenders back in to work and keep them out of jail. I’ve always thought in the past she may be worth a visit but in fear of trying to protect him I decided against it. Now I’m not about to protect anyone but my children. He needs help, and I still care enough to try and get it for him. 

She was shocked, she got teary with me (as any mother /woman would) and told me she was going to have a very stern chat with him. She had obviously never seen this side to him and believes as I do that deep down the family we have is what he wants. He always made out to her that he was so happy with me and she believes that the cannabis and company he keeps is just ruining his life.

As the day went on and no phone call I continued to just feel lower. I had a couple of hours on my own in the evening and I couldn’t help it I had to call him. Not going to lie I was shocked when he admitted he was at her house but I remained calm and it didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would. After all I knew it anyway. He told me he was coming to see me, I told him that we should meet in a public place . Which is what we did. (If McDonalds car park in my car counts) 

I got a pep talk before I saw him from my sister and knew I had to remain calm. No tears, no anger and certainly no begging… just calm. 

I started by thanking him for finally being honest. I asked him if he loved her, he doesn’t (which I also know.) I asked him why on Wednesday was he still telling me we wasn’t over and why did he not show up after work?! His only response was how his head is fucked and realistically he needs to just be single for a while and sort himself out. When he finally looked me in my eyes he said ‘what the fuck am I doing man?!’ Anyone from the outside will think it’s all just a show but I know this is sincere. I know what our love is , I also know we have both hurt each other a lot and he even questioned whether just too much has happened that it will never be the same again. Maybe he’s right! 

My mistakes were bought up again and even things that I had done this week he blamed for his reasons for just ending up back there. He is INCAPABLE of accepting full responsibility for anything it’s crazy! 

Like I admitted yesterday , yes I hurt him bad but when I fell pregnant and even after that first scan where I admitted he may not be the father we BOTH made the decision to continue with the pregnancy. I reminded him of that this evening. It was my sorry to him, I went with what HE wanted to do and he’s just shit all over me. 

Yes talk is cheap and easy to say but I believe it when he says that he’s so ashamed for doing it when I was pregnant. He was all over the baby again and said how much he missed her. He was very pissed off with himself when he knew about her not gaining weight and promised he was going to be there for her and me more. We should be meeting at midday tomorrow, I need to make sure I don’t constantly ring him when he doesn’t show. If he fails to meet us that’s his fault. I’m STILL giving him the opportunity to be a dad to our baby and I shouldn’t need to mother him. 

He’s already cheated on his new ‘girlfriend’, since we kissed and he said how he needs to fuck her off. Fuck her off for us. He pleaded with me to help him get help and that he can’t do it on his own. I doubt he will tell her where to go, certainly not yet anyway. He isn’t strong enough for that but I know as each day goes on he will realise more and more what he wants. Yes I hate the thought of him with her but he had to think of me with someone else and he had to do that whilst stuck in a prison cell! So I need to just deal with it, accept we are separated for now and get the old me back. No stressing about what time he’s coming in, what he’s up to, whether he’s going to get arrested just concentrate on me and my girls. I am confident that he’ll be back, not so confident I will want him but I do like to think that some proper time apart could start that friendship back again. We had lost that, we have been so unkind to each other and we couldn’t go on this way. 

He blew kisses at me when he left the car and I do feel better. Even if he doesn’t do what he says at least I am in a better place. That is the main thing! I do hope that one day we can put all this behind us and do things properly but if we don’t then hey that’s ok too. Everything happens for a reason and realistically we should have separated months again (too hard being pregnant tho) and yes him seeing me as that confident happy fun Kerry he fell in love with will certainly mess with his emotions. In the meantime that dumb blonde can have him, I won’t feel any sympathy when he shits all over her .. cos he will! He most certainly will!! 

Posted in baby, breastfeeding, life, Newborn, Parenting, pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, singlemum, Uncategorized, Women

Acceptance … 

Posted on by KerryLouise

I don’t even know where to start .. but I need to get this down in my blog. Admitting what has gone on to the world is my next step in acceptance. Accepting he is never going to change, accepting he just isn’t the man I thought he was and accepting I am not getting that perfect family. I’ve wrote posts previously but kept it on a separate blog .. a blog that isn’t associated with me but now it is time.

Me and my new babies father met in December 2013, seems so long ago now yet in such a short space of time SO much has happened!! In may 2014 he was arrested and charged with drug charges , he spent what felt like forever on bail where the courts really proved they couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery! In August 2014 he was finally sentenced, and that was it he went off to prison for 16 months. My world crashed, I missed him so much , me and his mother describe the pain like as if he died. We were grieving, it was ridiculously hard. Visits were the highlight of my life and looking back they were actually lovely. Just kissing, laughing, joking and talking. All we longed for was to be able to start our life properly ! Endless amounts of letters and phone calls and we were so in love . After about 9 months my own thoughts got over me and I did meet someone else. I was building a resentment for Dominic, I was crazy lonely and I felt so bitter that his crime had put a stop on my life too. I feared we wouldn’t work out anyway and remembered his behaviour before he went and worried that he just would never change. My fling went on a couple of months and yes I got feelings but always knew it was Dom I really wanted. Little did I know my honesty would be be used against me for the last 10 months.

So yes I did a bad thing and I even had a small amount of doubt on who the babies father was, which is awful I know but I was completely honest and gave him the choice. However the honesty and the talking and him saying he forgave me would never last long.

From around March time he began his drinking, him staying out till 4/5/6 in the morning, not answering his phone at times. Began doing things that were risking his freedom and just being an absolute selfish animal.

I fell pregnant literally the week he came out of jail. He regained his freedom and I lost mine. He loved that, he loved the control he had. He often made comments that I did enough going out when he was locked up. The conversations we would have were like a broken record. I can only describe the last 10 months as HELL. Regular occurrences of him calling me a prick and a dickhead. I’ve slapped him, he’s hit me. Disappearing. Popping to the shop yet ending up in town and coming in at 5am smashed out of his head. Not answering his phone , or having no battery on his phone. I’d feel stressed about him holding down a job, (he’s got through a few) turning up on time , calling in sick and arguing with team managers. All this time carrying his baby!

Early on I never did worry about him getting with another girl. Yes he’d disappear but he’d always end up with me at the end of a night out. It was the illegal activity, the disgusting mental abuse and just leaving me on my own all the time that I had to deal with. He told me I deserved all this for not standing by him properly. How I broke his heart , so he was breaking mine. I’m actually finding it a lot more difficult to sum up these months than I thought. After each outburst I would beg him to leave me alone, telling him to just admit he couldn’t get over what I did and just let me move on with my life. But no … with every episode of disgusting and vile anger from him it was then followed with how much he loves me and how much he’s going to make it better. How he wants a proper family , and that he was going to be the man I wanted ! Famous last words 🙄

I would say at LEAST once a week I would deal with some kind of heartache, heartbreak and stress from his words and actions. I was crumbling daily and began to just start listening to what he had to say rather than react. This stopped the fights but it was still chipping away at my self esteem. This is a man who can call me a cheap slag and walk out a room, then because of no reaction he would come back and say sorry less than 5 minutes later. I judged this behaviour from a far and then came to the conclusion that he needs mental help. The cannabis smoking was making him mentally insane. Again trying to make sense and justifying this disgustingness.

As my due date got closer he got worse. I accepted he didn’t really fancy me and I had got out of him that something had happened with someone a couple of times. I accepted this as karma and with his sorrys I was going to move on with it. We were still having sex though so I never imagined it was that bad. All I’ve been wanting is my baby here, so sure it would change his ways. Now she’s 3 weeks old tomorrow and he’s actually been worse than ever. I’ve also found out that the girl who was just a couple of times has been many more and not only was he with her when I was heavily pregnant but also since I brought his baby into the world. He makes me sick! A night I couldn’t get out of bed due to the c-section , yes in a hormonal outburst I said ‘don’t come back’ but after 49 missed calls he bloody should have. Again I said if you have someone else GO!! I’m not stupid I know how it looks. He got angry screaming how he don’t need no pussy he’s making money and just other vulgar justifications for why he wasn’t with me when we both needed him!

Now I found all this out by snooping and approaching the girl. Sunday through to Wednesday of this week he was so convincing that he was sorry. His head was fucked it’s me he wants and she’s lying about how he had told them they were together! I am amazed at how this human can lie so convincingly to me yet has also clearly gone back to her and told her I’m lying and that we’re not together. I had thought we were both wiser than him but realistically she’s a 20 year old child. Despite us both saying he needs to get in a room with all 3 of us she has accepted his lies and deceit. The cheek of her has even said to me that she feels like he had cheated on her with me!! Sorry what?!? 😳 oh and also called me a slag and that I’m using my baby as a weapon. I can’t fight with imbulsils especially childish ones. Go ahead believe him but she best know that he won’t ever stop trying to tell me he wants me, nor will he be any different to her and actually be a decent boyfriend. We’ve been together nearly 3 years and despite all our SHIT there has been ALOT of love there so I’m not threatened in the slightest in thinking she’ll get everything I ever wanted from him. He’s incapable of being that person!

Early on this week as I said I was accepting his sorry. I was hurting so bad but I felt like I just needed him around me, listening to him grovel and try and plead and beg!! Then yesterday I was having her call me stressing me out and confusing me even more. Dom and I spoke and agreed that we needed to separate for a while. He was still adamant it was me he wanted and not her, why not be honest?! It makes no sense to me. I had to accept that if he’s not with me he’ll be with her, his promises mean nothing.

At 8pm on Wednesday night he called, he was shocked at my positive attitude and he told me he loved me, how he was off to work (he works nights) and would be with me at 6:15am after work. I knew different,  he thinks I believe he has work stuff in his locker and so didn’t need to come home .. but I let him believe he had fooled me! I didn’t care anymore , lose your job and it will just sum up everything you’ve done this whole year. Go spend night with her cos you don’t want to lose your ‘side chick’ .. I don’t care. She can have my sloppy seconds since we had sex just yesterday morning .. I’m done now!

It’s now gone midnight on Thursday night and obviously he hasn’t gone to work again! He may have attempted to come to my flat but he hasn’t called. His phone is probably still dead (since his charger is here) but I’m not calling him. I want him to stay as far away from me as possible. He’s going to need a change of clothes soon though, a bag out the window will have to be it.

Today he has shown me even his daughter or more promises will not make him stop being so selfish. Today is the first day he hasn’t seen her since she was born and he hasn’t even had the decency to call!! It highlights exactly the type of behaviour I’ve put up with since he came out of jail and I know I deserve better. My children deserve better and it’s about time I make sure that happens.

Health visitor visited today , my baby isn’t gaining weight. My breast milk isn’t as rich as it should be .. due to stress and not eating well. This has made me even more determined to fuck him off! He’s effecting our baby by treating me this way and he deserves absolutely no happiness from her at all. She is literally perfect and amazing and he’s already let her down countless times. 

Him being around me will go 1 of 2 ways he’ll charm me and get in my head or he’ll attack me for anything he sees fit. Most probably how I’m a bad mum and using our baby against him. He will not be getting in my flat .. he can fight me to see his baby and I cannot wait for the day he is genuinely crying and regretting every last single lie he’s told me and every time he laid a hand on me and every single vile word he has said to me!! I know he will, I know he’ll hate to see me move on and like I said I also know he won’t treat her any better than he did me. I can feel free!

For now yes I’m broken, devastated, hurt and gutted but I know I’m stronger than this. Stronger than him. I can move on knowing that he’s gone to her for the simple reason she’s believed his bullshit and I haven’t!! He can live with himself for the rest of his life for treating the mother of his child and his new baby this way and when he’s back in jail and has ALL that time to think he will realise and he will be the devastated one!!

I am a strong woman and I have 2 beautiful girls and I will be damned if they see anymore of this vile man. They will both look at me and be proud.

Super strong power mum! 😘

 

Posted in Birth story, life, pregnancy, pregnant, Women

My beauty born 16/09/16 ❤️ Birth story 👶🏽🍼 8:12am 8lb 3oz 

Posted on by KerryLouise

My baby is now over 72 hours old and I’m actually besotted by her. I finally have the energy to update my blog and tell my story. Although I’m feeling pretty emotional this morning.

Ok so that all important birth story! I had a pessary put in for 24 hours which came out at 6:10pm on Thursday 15th September. I thought that was uncomfortable being inserted, that was nothing compared to what was to come.

By 8pm I was contracting ever 7 minutes which was something!! Completely manageable mild ones just like period pains. I was pleased my body had done something after the pessary and I was quite comfortable sat in the TV room with Dom rather than being on the hot ward. He bought me chicken nuggets as I hadn’t eaten but knew I should try something!


At 10pm labour ward was ready for me and my midwife Sam was absolutely amazing. I was so pleased she was by my side the whole time talking me through it all.


The next step was to have my waters broken. OMG that was soooo uncomfortable .. I do not remember it being like that with Courtney. My midwife explained she couldn’t get to them because cervix was still so high. I had my legs in stirrups and bum in the air and I was squeezing Doms hand sooo much . Not pleasant!!

My waters eventually went during contractions and I was given a 2 hour time frame to be put on drip if contractions were not at least a frequency of 3 in 10 mins. So at 02:30am I went on the drip and it was by then I had to start on the gas and air. I knew sat down I would need pain relief. I had managed previously by standing, deep breathing and Dom Rubbing my back etc. I wanted to hold off on the gas and air for as long as poss. Knowing I didn’t want an epidural I was pacing myself so it would remain effective. I will still only 2cm!
Anyway the contractions were painful yes but I was doing so well with the gas and just breathing!! They got to a point where I was making noise during each one too tho. I still could picture Dominic dosing off at times and in between contractions I screamed ‘get that boy a coffee’. He told me I seemed OK making elephant noises with the gas and air in my hand 😂. I could still see in his face how he was happy it was me not him going through this lol.

Contractions started to come thick and fast .. Every half hour the drug was increased for the contractions and boy did I know it. I remember Dom, my mum and midwife stood up round my bed. I was completely out of it and then all of a sudden they got Dom to hit panic button and I just remember being wheeled into theatre so quick !  Like a million people! I later learned that this was at about 6am. The head rest on the bed came down, my gas and air was taken off me, I just saw the lights on the ceiling and people dressed in blue whilst I was rapidly being pushed into a big open scary room. It makes me emotional thinking about it. I was so so scared. My mum was crying, I was balling. Dom looked like he had seen a ghost and I was so scared and disappointed I was about to have a c-section. I was just begging them to help me! They got Dom gowned up and they were struggling to get spinal in me for the anaesthetic. He had to wait outside for this bit but I kept asking where he was. Twice I had people tell me how he was outside and has told them to tell me that I can do it and to stay brave. That made me cry.

The spinal wasn’t going in. Contractions with no gas and air were complete hell. In that time her heart rate had increased and so I was given the option to go back to the room and attempt a natural delivery again. I said yes please. It was like music to my ears! I felt like someone was by my side and I knew  I could do it. I was then confronted with another question ‘did I want an epidural’ .. As I was already in theatre. I was wondering that if I had one maybe I could cope with the pain more and my baby wouldn’t suffer. I was saying yes then saying no, Dominic told me that someone said to him he may need to make the decision for me to which he replied saying ‘she’s always said no.’ My amazing midwife came to the rescue I heard her say how she feels I am being pressurised into something I have said I absolutely didn’t want to do and that we would all make the decision when we got back to the room. What a star.

We got back to the room and finally I could see my mum and Dom again. My mum had been crying and Dom just kept saying how proud he was of me.

I had been taken of the serotonin drip and so they wanted to see if I still needed it, half hour went by … And I did. The contractions then got soooo ridiculous, this is when I first started feeling them in my back. It was becoming increasingly more difficult to remain calm but I was trying. Trying so hard! Being told I was no longer allowed pethedin because of babies heartbeat only made me worse and my body just over took. On every contraction I wanted to push, internals showed that still not ALL my waters had gone and I was only 8cm so totally not ready to be pushing! The pain in my back was out of this world and pushing seemed the only thing I could do. It’s like an uncontrollable urge , unexplainable. Everyone was saying Kerry you can’t push she’s getting distressed but omg I literally couldn’t help it’ soooo fucking crazy. I told everyone they didn’t understand and they should stop talking to me because I was getting angry. 🙈My midwife just said ‘OK darlin’. I did feel bad.

It wasn’t long before the doctors were back in the room and I knew it wasn’t going to end well. I pleaded with them that I just couldn’t do it anymore !! Begging them to help me. Omg the pain. I tried all fours where I did lose more waters but I still wanted to push. I could not stop it just could not!! So once again I was rushed into theatre and even then the trauma didn’t end. Once again they just couldn’t get the spinal in me. It was the longest 20 Mins (if even that long) of my life as was still contracting (and body was pushing like I needed a poo) and I couldn’t cope. My midwife had changed but I could see in her eyes she was just as caring and I even sensed she wanted to cry with me! Holding my hands through contractions listening to my pleas. I no longer cared how the baby was coming out of me I needed that pain to stop! All these people in blue scrubs around me telling me I needed to stay dead still , and Dom,  Who wasn’t allowed in the room again at this point could hear me just screaming’ ‘just put me to sleep I can’t do this anymore’ .. Eventually spinal went in and instantly I felt nothing then the gutted feeling took over me again …  I didn’t do it naturally. 😢

It turns out she got stuck too so was our only option. My mum said she was so emotional and she felt like she couldn’t cope and Dom said he’d never been so scared in all his life. If pregnancy hasn’t put me off for another one then labour defo has.

When she was cut out of me I could hear her little cries. Dominic then was just crying uncontrollably , I was still in shock, panic and feeling too overwhelmed over the whole ordeal. I was shaking like mad too which apparently is normal. We felt like she wasn’t being brought over to us in quick enough time either and I couldn’t believe it would take 30 minutes to be stitched back up. Still laying there so gutted! I even made that 2nd attempt and failed .. Felt so sorry for myself .


Delivering vaginally is 100% a nicer experience , I still remember pushing Courtney out and seeing her before I heard her. Instant skin on skin contact, the pain gone and love just feels your body instantly. My experience this time was I felt almost a little detached from my baby. Gutted Dom didn’t get to cut the court but I didn’t even get to hold her until I was stitched up. I could see Dom though, he felt that love. Enough love for both of us. He showed me her face and I felt unsure  ‘was she my baby’ .. It didn’t feel real.

When I was wheeled on to the ward it was then I felt that love. Still disappointed yes but I was coming to terms with it. She was absolutely beautiful after all and I had made her. My special little princess. ❤️👶🏽

Posted in pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, Singlemum, Uncategorized

ONE WEEK TO GO!!!

Posted on by KerryLouise

I go from wanting her here like ASAP to being ok about there still being time left. I am getting the odd tightenings but nothing major still.

I went for breakfast this morning with two other pregnant women, we spoke about men and their dealings with pregnant women. On a whole yes they are rubbish, they don’t get it.. they continue their care free life of going out and getting drunk whilst us women have to be a mother as soon as we get that positive pregnancy test. It is hard work. I found my self almost blaming myself for not handling this right. Justifying all his actions, my screaming and shouting maybe made him behave the way he has. I found an old diary I had my made when I was pregnant with my first and it was pretty similar. I don’t do pregnant well and unless I want who doesn’t have a life then this is never going to work. There is a happy medium though right?

After last night I thought we had it sorted. We don’t. We really don’t. As he held me in his arms and asked if he could stay over the following night, telling me I have nothing to worry about, how he’s handled all this wrong and I’m going to see such a difference when the baby is here. He also told me he’ll cook for me and spend the afternoon together the following day. I told him ‘we’ll see’ to the staying over but agreed to being cooked for.

I knew his timing of midday was never going to materialise. I also assumed he was never going to cook for me. I called him at half 1 and was cool and cheery. Explained I would cook and asked if it was ok if he bought some grated cheese with him. He replied saying ‘probably not, I’ll just forget’ … I just laughed and said oh ok I’ll get it. At 10 to 6 I called to find out when he was coming and he answered saying babe let me call you back, again I bit my tongue and accepted it. 6:30 I called back as still no return call. He explained he would be with me at 8:30… again I was pleasant and didn’t react. Often I’ve reacted in the past and it does nothing other than get me so wound up I could burst. Well it’s now midnight and not so much of a text. When will I fucking learn??? I don’t even get angry anymore… I just feel hurt. Hurt and ashamed. So thankful this nightmare is almost over, I honestly don’t think he realises what he has done. He talks about all this love he has for me, but lets face it what bullshit. Complete and utter bullshit. You don’t treat someone you love like this. The only person he loves is himself.

This kind of thing has happened on a weekly basis. One would just assume he was cheating on me, he is so convincing when I ask him. I have no reason to doubt him since I know his lifestyle.

Please give me that strength to not say things like ‘I miss you’… because what the hell do I miss? …. I should not say ‘I love you too’…. he is not worthy of my love. He doesn’t deserve this child I am carrying and when he finally wakes up and realises this I hope his heart breaks just as much as mine has. He says I did that when he was inside, BUT this kind of behaviour went on long before he even went to prison. He’s been like this since day 1. Why the fuck did I ever stand by him??

You live and learn and at least I get another gorgeous little baby girl ❤

 

Posted in pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, Uncategorized

8 days to go!!

Posted on by KerryLouise

After my post last night I felt quite strong, I had laid it all out and felt positive I could get through it no matter the outcome. Then I wake up…. I try call him around 10am and no answer so instantly I feel shit again. I want to send him a message just going mad but I just need to realise that that doesn’t get me anywhere. I knew he’d be sleeping but it still gets to me as i’m thinking ‘what if I was in labour.’ My friend said I do need to chill, and I agree. When he finally got back to me about 12:30 you could tell he was expecting a reaction from me, but I didn’t give it… I was calm.

This evening we spoke abit before we went to the cinema, he’s assured me that all the wild crazy thoughts of what he gets up to is just that. Crazy and wild. My fear of him returning to prison has made me into someone he rather not be around and his thoughts of me with someone else has made him want to hurt me the way he felt hurt. It’s all been a mess.

Anyway obviously I understand that this can all be words. I’m under no illusion that he may still continue like this when she’s here but I have to just see what happens. My focus is and still will be me and my girls. Although I am gagging for a night out , a bit of party therapy may stop me from being so bitter about other people being able to drink haha.

Feet feel swollen tonight… having a few tightening’s and lower cramps but I’m not getting my hopes up. Still full of a cold, Doctor told me it would be cleared up by weekend. Well Doc ….. its still here!! MEH!!

I found my old Slimming World book today during some more nesting as they call it. Basically my waist when Courtney was 6 weeks old is the same size it is now at 39 weeks pregnant. I cannot believe how different this pregnancy has been. I’m excited for her to be here and for the weight loss challenge.

 

Posted in pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, Singlemum, Uncategorized

9 days to GOOO!!

Posted on by KerryLouise

It’s after midnight so i could technically say 8 even, although I’m pretty sure she won’t be coming early. With scan bringing me forward anyway by 4 days and well just my luck really to end up going over and have to be induced. 23rd September is my date for that joyous event, so any thing between now and then is just a waiting game.

I haven’t wrote in a good while. To be honest I feared this blog would turn into just one big moan and whinge about my relationship. It would highlight things that I really needed to do and I wasn’t quite ready. I even still don’t want to go in to everything because that isn’t why I started this blog but I need to get this down. We’ve been through a lot as a couple, a prison sentence being the main obstacle, then upon his release I got pregnant very quickly. It hasn’t been enjoyable at all and I am half the person I was this time last year. Well double in terms of weight of course.

I’ve given him the benefit of the doubt on numerous occasions, numerous being an understatement! Yet he’s persistently treated me badly with disappearing acts, being unreachable, going out for an hour and ending up a drunken mess at my door at 4/5/6am. His attitude has stank and more often than that he blames me for everything. Despite me being completely honest about a man I met during his prison sentence, and him even knowing before he came out he still told me he meant everything he said whilst inside. I was his world, he wanted to marry me and other things he promised. It didn’t last long, I’ve listened to how I don’t deserve to be treated well because of what I did to him and how I’m a slag basically. Unforgivable words if I’m completely honest and they still play on my mind now.

What has made this all the more difficult is that after every argument, every disappearing act, or times he has been mentally vile to me I get the real nice side. He’s sorry, he can’t lose me (I’ve begged for him to let me go) , he’s going to change, it won’t ever happen again…. and rather than us taking some time apart to start again within minutes he’s forgotten exactly what he’s done and said and we go back to the nice normal. Until the next episode that is… which is never long! Now I’m no angel, I don’t pretend to be… he says these things… I see red. I use words to hurt him back and it’s just been completely toxic. He’s just betrayed me so much, can’t hold a job down and I fear he will end up back in jail and that is something I put my complete faith into not doing when I stuck by him. I’ve supported him as much as physically possibly but he throws it back in my face.

I also hold my hands up I’ve been weak, he’s made me feel so low, SO SO low but due to the situation (mainly me being pregnant) when he’s making it up to me I have to embrace it to cling on to that happiness. The love is still insane, I’m sure anyone from the outside can tell me why put up with all that ? But when you love someone THIS much you cling on to every word and believe them and even at the times I HATE him … like hate him so much I just want to protect him and try and guide him. It’s a mess, I wish I hadn’t met him at times, I’ve often thought ‘what the hell have I done’ in terms of the pregnancy and I hate how he’s made me feel, but then on the other side he’s my best friend. He does have such a good heart and no one has ever made me feel as loved as he has. The extremes are too much.

It has made no sense why he would spend the hours talking to me, always getting to the ‘root’ of the problem for it to just happen again and before we know it were having the same chat again. I honestly believe him leaving me would have been easier. Yes hurt at first but this constant up then heartbreak, has broken me. Each time he does something it breaks my heart a little more. Since 2013 (when I’ve met him) during his arrest, court case, prison sentence and now this I could easily go the rest of my life without a single tear. I’ve cried enough!

Anyway more recently enough has been enough, we are apart. To be honest weekends feel no different as he barely spent any with me anyway, he’d tell me he would but then get ‘tied up’ and stumble in at stupid o clock often me being awake all night. Half expecting him to try tomorrow morning, he did last Saturday morning. Putting my buzzer on private doesn’t work, he just throws things at my window to either wake me up or get my attention. I then let him in like a weak fool!

I know many men can go crazy when girlfriends/wives get pregnant, we are also a massive exception to any rule since we’ve had no time to be ‘US’. He got his freedom back, I lost mine…. he’s taken full advantage that he knows I’m not going anywhere and I’m wondering if all this is even something I can forgive?!

His promises has now changed to when baby is here, I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt AGAIN. I will see how he is when she is here, if he continues like this he does not deserve a relationship with this baby. He will say I’m bitter and using her against him, I say it’s me protecting my daughter from a man who may or may not be in her life or it is as when he chooses. Babies don’t need part time dads who want to be out on road all the time, or partying all weekend, or even risking their freedom, they need stability, love and lots of involvement!

In terms of our relationship, this week he has been a bit colder. Hasn’t been his usual self in trying to ‘make it up to me’, he’s taken a step back but he still stands by that he wants me, he wants us to try. We haven’t spoke in great detail, but has made comments about how I’m crazy. Does he still fail to see that it’s been him? Treat me like this… I get crazy…. It’s not rocket science.

I go from wanting him so bad to thinking I just possibly couldn’t forgive him for all what has happened. Knowing his charm though I think as long as he does change and do as he says when she’s here then he’ll have me smitten again. I am ADAMANT in the fact that anymore of this fuckery then it’s over. I love him, but I love myself and my baby girls more. Only so many life lines you can give someone and it won’t be long until I’m back to the old confident me and it will be him who wakes up and realises what he has done. Maybe not in a few weeks but one day. Everyone who knows the situation (not many) but they all say the same…. including his mother. He won’t get better than me, and even if I do see him with someone else… I’ll know she’ll just be putting up with the same shit I did and honestly if he couldn’t be a better man for me and his daughter he won’t do it for anyone.

It’s so hard admitting you was wrong about someone, or even admitting that the man you were so in love with could possibly treat you like this during pregnancy. I’ve often felt ashamed, felt like maybe it was me, felt like an idiot for even getting pregnant by such a douche in the first place and seriously NO ONE has known how bad its been…. NO ONE!

What doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger and ok I didn’t plan my life to be single with two children by two different dads but that does not mean I can’t find happiness one day. Definitely put off men for a long long time though, and pregnancy well NO WAY! Just NO!! I’ll have my two girls, I have my independence and I have my career and life to focus on. I’m 30, it’s still young really. It’s going to be ok.

 

 

Posted in pregnancy, pregnant, relationships

35 day countdown! 

Posted on by KerryLouise


Today marks me at 35 weeks pregnant! Eeeek! We are sooo nearly there now. I am SO ready , yet our home really isn’t ! 
The weekend has been a good one but I must admit I feel like I’ve just done a week in Ibiza! I’m exhausted !! 

I was up early Saturday morning all set to drive to London with the boy to see his family. It was his sisters birthday and so their was a family BBQ. I didn’t sleep great on Friday night after being woke by one of the stupid neighbours in the street at 2am but Dominic had just worked a night shift so him sleeping in the car didn’t make me mad and in fact it was quite nice to have some peace. He’s the worst back seat driver ever and honestly if he was sleeping due to being out on the lash it would have made my blood boil!!! Luckily that wasn’t the case so it was a calm drive , until we reached London THEN I get wound up with the traffic. Dom had the right idea by sleeping to avoid my traffic induced mood. I continually mutter how much I hate London and that never bodes well with a London boy apparently! I’m also unsure whether I got done by a red light camera. God dammit! Will have to wait and see on that one but yeh I’m sure if he was awake I would have been vile company after that. 

He then had a sleep when we got to his mums and I chilled with his mum for a bit and had my laptop. I then agreed to go to Victoria to pick up his Grandma. She’s a sweet lady, love her strong Jamaican accent and it was interesting hearing her views on many things in the car on the way back to Camberwell. 

I started to feel a little bitter when Dom was drinking his alcohol and all I could enjoy was a Pineapple KA. However I still bit my tongue to avoid me starting anything due to me being miserable jealous and pregnant! He was a nice drunk though, that I can handle. Started talking a lot of rubbish still but it was nice rubbish (if that is possible) and he was very loving. So I soon accepted that women just have the raw end of the deal, bloody men! 

Acid reflux was bad last night. Made me sick again. I rather just get it up than feel it in my throat. My friend and I joked today about how many anti-indigestion tablets I’ve purchased this pregnancy. She suggested about 100, Emily does like to exaggerate … But it could well be close. 

Dom was upset when I left him in London this morning, but I had to be back for my baby shower. The roads were so much clearer this morning, I like London like that. I get to my destination for the right time and I remain calm. We like calm Kerry. Calm Kerry is positive. I even remained super calm when we had 45 minutes to make all the sandwiches and cook the mini pizzas. Why do I remain so calm in stressful situations and even see the funny side with my friends but with my boyfriend I turn into the devil?! Hmm I need to work on that. Everything came together though and I couldn’t feel more lucky and happy this evening. 


Dom’s still in London though and I miss him, oh and my feet are defo beginning to swell now! Maybe that’s more due to the hot weekend and lack of sleep. 


I’ve had friends drive from London and from Birmingham today and some of the words written for me really made me well up. I’m so lucky and baby Ariana is already so loved! 

Now an overload of pictures:


Me and my 3 younger sisters. Using the baby balloon to cover the baby bump. 


Just a selection of the wonderful gifts from my amazing friends. 


35 week bump and my 7 year old daughter, who when filled out my prediction card wrote that I would be in labour for 7 days ! Cheers kid! 

35 days to gooooo! 💗

Posted in pregnancy, pregnant, relationships

If you need a job doing ..

Posted on by KerryLouise


… Then do it yourself !! 

I’ve adopted a new tactic. I no longer get on at him I just make back up plans ha.

Yesterday I needed him back for a certain time to watch Courtney. I decided to have a back up babysitter in case he was late so it would avoid any arguments. Bloody called my bluff didn’t he and he was on time. Today I rang him and said ‘is painting today a myth’ , he laughed and said ‘is that the only reason why you rang.’ I remained calm and said it was all ok. 

I then went and done it myself haha, not going to lie I did feel the pain once I was reaching high and low and I was glad when the wall was done but pretty proud of my self now ! 


Ok so it needs another coat .. But that’s normal right?! Hmm maybe the picture highlights it’s flaws more haha. But Dominic was impressed and said he’ll do the second coat first thing in the morning when he finishes work. (We’ll see) I feel confident in doing the other walls now though since they are just ‘Almond Crush’ … I’ve got this!! 

I’m feeling less anxious about him holding a job down this week. It was silly of me before to get myself so worked up about him getting to work on time. He is an adult! I must remember this. He also seems very enthused about work this week and happy. When he’s happy his vibe is happy , before he went to work he said ‘Can’t wait to meet that beautiful little girl’ and ‘ I love you both so much.’ 

Is all our past finally behind us ?! I hope so! ​

Posted in Uncategorized

6 weeks to go !! 

Posted on by KerryLouise

I keep seeing pictures of newborn babies and I think ‘Awww I want one’, crazy to think I only have 6 more weeks and my own one will be due. Maybe she’ll be here, please don’t let me go over little girl!! 

Had a great day at the Christening, it was lovely to do my hair and make up for an occasion. For someone who was so used to getting dressed up every weekend and who now barely even brushes her hair it was definitely a treat. I had a bit of a meltdown before we left and decided the heels were a no go. I’m tall anyway so when I feel this size I rather not stand out too much. We slept in quite late, 10:45am I woke and thought shiiitttt! These school holidays and no work is making me lazy, but hey ho I must enjoy this whilst it lasts. 

I do not understand for the life of me how I can get ready before the man. He’s so bloody slow, ‘you had a shower before me’ he says … Yes maybe but then I had to dry my hair and put on make up. What does he actually need to do?! I watch him painfully putting on his boxers, I swear that takes nearly 2 minutes. I huff a lot, I’m soooo impatient. Yet we still managed to get there without any real blows. Progress. 

Posted in Uncategorized

The unreasonable man..

Posted on by KerryLouise

After studying law and hearing the reference to the reasonable man on many many occasions I am left wondering if this man really exists. My man is not reasonable, he is even that unreasonable he does not even know himself what he expects of me to acommodate his unreasonableness.

Let me explain…. so he’s been on nights this past week and it does work quite well. I’m not wondering where he is every evening, wondering what time he’s going to come in and wake me up, constantly being let down on a time, whilst I wait to go to bed. It will work well too when the baby is here, it always did when I had my first with my ex anyway.

Yesterday all hell break lose because at approximately 5pm I shouted something in the bedroom, baring in mind he was moaning about the workmen outside anyway so had already been disturbed. I immediately apoligised and left him alone. I then had to endure about 15 minutes of his poor attitude. Muttering how I was weird, how I was selfish… oh and not to mention how he should just go to his nans because at least he’d be able to sleep there. He’s kissing his teeth, saying I’m so strange, theres nothing to eat and just all sorts of stuff I just feel so unapprecaited and like a worthless piece of shit at this point. I’ve got better at not reacting but I do find I have to let my emotions out somehow so I cry. I then hear how ‘here we go again’, ‘always fucking crying’, ‘stessing out my daughter’, ‘crocodile tears’… eventually I do snap… breaking point. I attack. I get violent, it’s wrong and I know this but he pushes me sooooo far I just cannot cope with his words anymore. His silence would be ok, but he just continues… keeps pushing me and pushing me with his vile words and I just sit there and expected to take it all?

So of course after I’ve hit him, then I’m the bad one, I have a problem, I bring this all on my self. I’m vile and posion. How he can’t wait to watch me fail on my own as a single mum, and some other stuff that I just HAVE to try block out. He does slap me back, and he does get on top of me and holds me tight so I can’t hit out anymore. The same time his face so close to mine whilst he continues to scream heart breaking things in my face.

He won’t let me leave, he snatches my phone to call his mum and my God the lies and his ‘side of the story’ is far different to the events that had just occured. Apparently all he said was ‘babe that was a bit selfish’ and I flipped, then apparently after I flipped he held my hand and told me to calm down. HA fucking HA!! Its worrying because he genuinely believes his own lies and his version of events. Drives me even more insane. Telling his mum how I beg him to come here, how I’m moaning I am lonely without him. Must be someone else because that certainly is not me.

After he didn’t accept my apoligy he told me it was because I didnt mean it. I also made a point that he hadn’t sleep that late all week, he told me thats irrelevant and I shouldn’t be justifying that for shouting. I also reminded him how many times he has in the past 7 months, woke me up, allowed me not to sleep due to me not knowing where he is, and came in at 2/3/4/5 even 6 o clock in the morning. ‘That’s been the weekend’ he screams, I work fucking weekends so that makes no odds to me and equally it hasn’t only been the weekend. One wednesday night which is still very memorable  and I had an exam the next day!!!! His selfishness is so unreal, all because I shouted a few lines at 5pm on Tuesday evening.

Before he went to work he tried to kiss me and then questioned whilst I was being distant. If that isn’t bipolar I don’t know what is. I then send him a text telling him to go to his nan’s after work in the mornin. How I wasn’t anyones pity girlfriend,I also explained about the numerous times he hasn’t thought of me when rocking up at what ever time o’clock in the morning.

What a surprise, he didn’t listen. He was here at 6:40am kissing my face, touching my bump, telling me he loves me and to sleep some more. I slept in this morning, 10:20 I woke and quietly informed him I was off out at about 11:30. Told him to sleep well.

THEN…. I get ‘oh great you’re out again’, ‘I never see you’, ‘I work all week and you just go out all the time.’ This isn’t the first time he’s said stuff like this… He’s once moaned because I worked saturdays and realistically that’s the best day he can spend with me. He brings up on numerous occasisons how he’s tried to make plans with me but I’m ‘too tired.’ In my defence he’s asked about 4 times and I was tired as I have worked all day and I am fucking pregant. He does not let me live that down though, so it’s my own fault why we never do anything together. Does he think of me when he’s in the nightclub all night?!? Does he fuck! So I am not about to feel bad when I am doing things in the school holidays with my daughter when he’s meant to be sleeping anyway!!!

The joke is he even then tells me he’ll be up the same time as yesterday, oh God! So I tell him I’ll be back then so we can spend some time together before he goes to work. Surely someone working nights that is normal. I think he expects me to just sit in the flat all day until he wakes. Make him food for when he wakes, shower him and wash all his clothes too. For him to then just go out anyway!!

I was later coming back from my mums then I thought I would be but he wasn’t in. He then tells me on the phone he’ll be back at 9pm (he’s picked up for work at 9:30) so I am left wondering what his little hissy fit was about earlier. He’s either proving a stupid point or he honestly just moans at me for the sake of moaning.

From where I see it, he wants everything on his terms. He wants a wifey, a woman with no life, one that’s always around. Where he’s the priority and he wants me around when he’s free but when smoking and drinking and everything else is an option thats when he isn’t interested. I must try not to react. I’ve told him enough times I don’t want a life like this. He has insecurities about me leaving him in the future but he certainly isn’t going the right way around for that to not happen. Times like this I actually daydream about a man who appreciates me, a man who does little gestures to show me he cares, going back to dating and getting those butterflies. Not this constant anxious feeling of hate and resent because I’m treated like a burden on someones life. He’s missed his lift for work like 4 times out of 7, I’m then the mug he relies on to take him. I’ve also taken him money on two occasions because he’s forgotten it. He wants a mother as well as a wife, that just is not me!

Fuckin hell its 9pm and he’s here ……