ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH!! This sums up my frustrations. I have already sent a voice note to my friend telling her about my day which did make me cry when I was briefly explaining the events of today!
OK so… I may have explained previously how I was disappointed with his mother over the christmas period, and how she did not reply to me when I asked how he was after she had visited. It was really important to me as I was panicing about something and I felt it was really out of character to not reply to me, and then when she did I get a ‘yeh thanks’ as I had asked if everything was ok. Rude? No? Well I took it that way and so over christmas pretty much left her too it. Especially after a couple more ‘off’ texts. Today she texts and says ‘I haven’t heard from you, have you just been busy?!’ So basically passing the buck on to me. I ALWAYS reply to her so this was silly. Anyway I didn’t rise to it and was pleasant. She then rings me an explains how she had a letter from him saying how she was keeping her self to her self and ignoring me, and so she wanted to clear things up and hope everything was ok. I didn’t lie, I told her that I felt that weekend she was off and to which she apoligised. I’m not about to get into a bitchy slanging match so I accepted the apology and we move on. She starts talking about his dad, and how he is now wanting to go see him! I am pleased, genuinely but I did say I thought he was out of order for disowning the poor boy like the way he has. Apparently his mother however understands why he did it, ‘he was angry’, how they are his parents and she understands that they have both tried everything to stop him from breaking the law. I’m sorry but shit happens and if my daughter ever landed her self in there i would NEVER turn my back on her. EVER! I then go on to say how I have started seeing it as somewhat as a positive. I explained that if he wasn’t, we would have broke up because of how bad he was when he was doing his illegal activity. I made the comment that we are now stronger than ever and how he idolises me and that this is wasting a year of my life afterall too. Well that was a wrong move. She felt the need to explain to me that she will ALWAYS be his mother, yes yes I understand that. That was the first blow. Next it was ‘you’re not both thinking of tying the knot are you?’ I took it as a joke and laughed asking why she thought that. She wasn’t joking! She then went on to make it very very clear to me that he was too young to be settling down, to have babies, to get married etc and that he really needs to think about what he wants in life. Looking back why was I so calm about this?! She is basically implying that I could potentially hold him back. I feel fucking shit! She kept going on about qualifications and university. Why is that so important? I’m 29, I have a degree yet I have only just decided what I want to do. That’s life. What’s the rush? My sister never went to university. ALL my close friends never went to uni does it make them any less of a person? No course it does not!! Relationships and love is far more important. She mentioned how she always chose intelligent men to be the father of her children but joked how they had been rubbish fathers. HA! Well I put my point across on that one, I much would rather a decent person and father than someone who brings in all the money. She somewhat agreed. This has clearly been the problem and I fucking knew it. She’s suddenly protective over him, doesn’t want him to be ‘tied down to a woman.’ Why can she not see that I want whats best for him too? I’m not some silly girl who will try and trap him and in fact without me where the fuck would he be now?! He often tells me I’m the one who keeps him going.
It got worse! The subject of visits. She asked how many he gets and then said ‘so in february is it ok if its just family?’ WOW! Just WOW! How can she not see that that’s not offensive. I’ve been the only person to stick by him fully through this whole fucking thing and yet february I’m being pushed out. I explained that the 14th he had wanted me to go and she did agree that I should go then but it’s still the principle, how dare she exclude me from ‘family’. I then get texts that are patronising telling me ‘he’s asked me to sort out visits for all his family,’ well whatever I’ll leave you all too it. That’s fine. On your head be it if I don’t go on Valentines Day!
It got me thinking though. I don’t want to be that person who holds him back. Maybe he should just go to his mum’s be tagged there and we take it slowly , or meet again in a few years time. My head is all over the place, and that was before I got called selfish by his cousin for not putting him on the visit tomorrow too. I mean what is wrong with these people? Why would I want to share my visit with someone who hasn’t so much picked up a pen to write to him.
I can just picture it, me being the mug picking him up for his town leave, he goes out to see his cousin and just treats me like a taxi. It won’t be the first time I have felt like a ‘drop in centre’ as I used to call it. Being on ROTL is going to be stressful I just know it. If he so much has a drag of a spliff or a sip of alcohol he will ruin EVERYTHING he has done. EVERYTHING! If he’s late , again RUINED! I’ll be the bad one again when I’m shouting at him or stressing because he’s not just been gone an hour. Even if he is around people smoking, that shit stinks he’ll be in trouble. Do I really want that stress? Do I really want the hurt of him choosing other people over me? I owe it to myself to not get so upset, not like how I used too. A crying hysterical mess because he was never around when I needed him. I tried so hard in educating him on how to do things right do I really want to have gone through all this for him to have learnt nothing?! It pains me to think of how it was before, am I just being dumb in thinking things will be different when he comes home. If tag wasn’t an option, could I really see him staying in every evening with me? Like grown adults should do? He barely spent an evening in with me before, and if he did he was on edge or I’d have his stupid cousin messaging me or turn up at my door.
I will speak to him tomorrow, but I have a lot of thinking to do. I don’t want to mother him he clearly has one of those who still looks at him as a child, but I don’t want to get my heartbroken again either.
Do these people reallllly think it’s easy being on my own on a friday night? No male affection in over 4 months? That affection I used to crave constantly, being single I had more sex!! What sort of fucking life is this??
Behind These Bluest Eyes 