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I cannot believe how quickly time is going to be fair, I also can’t believe how different I feel now compared to the last post. It just highlights once again how much this journey is a mad roller coaster.

Although I have ate junk food and I haven’t managed 100 days (I did 6 then Easter Sunday happened) I have been monitoring my calorie intake and training well. I have had various comments this week about how I am ‘looking well’ .. I am feeling better but I know I need to up the game. To be honest though studying and completely depriving myself from sugar AND sex is far too fucking hard. I figured I have 4 weeks after exams until Ibiza and there we can go in strong and carb and sugar deplete.

I still haven’t been to see my man , 5 weeks on Sunday or is it 6?! I got a letter today, it reads the same as the previous letters and to be honest it’s getting tiring. So so tiring, and draining. I am sick of reading these words, hearing him tell me these words …. I just need him here now to prove it. Because boy he has a lot to prove. I went out on Easter Sunday, had an awesome night with my girl but it ended with boys. Hands up! What can I say. They were not from round here and I stopped it before it really started but I still feel like I ‘cheated’, I woke up with regret that I even considered seeing him but then the regret passed. I felt fine. The sun was shining, I felt happy, content, pissed off with myself but what is done is done. I also gave my number out to a local boy who I have arranged to see tomorrow. It’s wrong , I know it is but I am fucking lonely here. It’s Friday night, I will spend the evening studying. Yes I will! Then tomorrow I am back at work and could do with some company, is it so bad ?! My fellow prison wife confided in me how she has been seeing someone else for the past 9 weeks!! Whatttt?! To be honest I don’t blame her, if I didn’t have uni to keep my focus I can honestly say I wouldn’t have been so loyal. I should book to see him, but the time it takes and the money it costs makes it not appealing in the absolute slightest. He has hardly commented about not seeing me, in fact he thinks time is going quick too. I dunno, I want us to work. I do. I do believe the fact that no man will ever love me like he does but what will happen in a years time when we are in each other’s pockets. I was looking yesterday at houses for us both and I think that should be our first aim. Start a fresh give our relationship a proper chance.

I need some food, and then I’ll get my books out, should do some tidying up too. Plus I didn’t manage my run this morning as there was so much traffic I ran out of time. I swear not enough hours in the day!!

.. still here though. Still plodding on, still wasting far too much time playing candy crush and still thinking ‘oh my gosh I have got fat.’

Today is day 3 of no junk food, its no way near as hard as diets in the past but these first few days have been tough without the sugar to keep me going. Day 100 is the day of the ibiza pool party and I am determined I will feel fab! Soon, when the weather gets better I will go gluten free too which would have been stupidly hard if I had done all that this week. I am too tired to write too much this evening, I should have gone to sleep at 7pm in all honesty and now its gone 10 I really need to start and try and sleep. Last night it was gone midnight and I was up before 8 unnecessarily. The job I have been on the past 2 days has been very tiring although very short days the walking has been excessive, although this is good for the weight loss.

I have been feeling pretty positive regarding the future, even the near future… it is now April. Time is going quick and I love my gorgeous boyfriend more than ever. I have not seen him in nearly 3 weeks, I miss him, but I have just been too busy. He understands, he loves me too and we are both super excited about our future together.

Now it is April it is time to be serious regarding study time, exams are NEXT month. So although I panic about not having enough work, equally its a good job so I can really get in some proper study time…. and on that note, tomorrow I will start just that 😉

So tomorrow is probably my most favourite day in February. Fat Tuesday! Fat Tuesday is the single girls Valentines Day. I can eat and eat and not feel too bad about it. Saying that these past couple of weeks I haven’t stopped eating. The scales however have been my friend it’s just the wobbliness I need to work on. My man is getting big, I can see it through his shirt, feel how toned and sexy he’s getting. Craving the day I can see it and touch it properly. This means work though, being 7 years his senior it’s something that will always keep me on my toes. It’s good pressure though, I like it.
Yeh yeh I know, bit different from my last post, but I’ve seen him twice since then.. Had a night out (which really wasn’t all that) and realised the man is besotted by me. It’s all good.
Day in the library tomorrow, I’ll be taking some goodies with me to keep me going and celebrate my last day of chocolate, crisps, Dr pepper and bread!!

Tonight I actually feel like I cannot be arsed to be in this stupid relationship. My life on hold, for what! He never cared this much about me before, why has it taken this to make him realise? He only loves me as much as he does because of what I am doing for him. Standing by him on his dumb arse mistake, sitting in on a friday night just feeling miserable and cannot wait to go out next weekend to get dressed up and get that male attention I love. WTF is this!! Do I even want him home? Always here? probably getting on my pissing nerves. Argh feel so angry. I booked Ibiza this morning, going in July. Why should I go without a holiday because of him? 2015 I still need to do what I need to do to enjoy myself. I’m organising a birthday party for my 30th in November and he can’t even be there, how fucking pathetic is that?

What put me in a bad mood? His phone call! He phones me quickly before a ‘visit’, yep his mum had booked for today. I have nothing to say to that woman, my respect for her has gone. She can say all she likes to him and I won’t be surprised if she comes between us, after all won’t be the first time. His cousin did that plenty of times before! I think I just need some sleep, maybe I will feel better in the morning.

I’m not counting on it. I might not even go on sunday. Whats the point?! He’s had a visit this weekend after all!

There isn’t even a better suited titled topic for this, I’ve had it go over my head a few times and it still doesn’t make any sense. So after the last post regarding the mother of my incarcerated boyfriend, she had contacted me last Saturday night. A week after ‘the’ conversation, Just for a chat and she was pleasant to me. Even commented about how ‘me and him’ are always welcome, almost like it had registered that I’m here to stay. Progress!
Anyway I spoke to my boyfriend in the week for him to tell me that his name wasn’t down on the visits board therefore left him to assume the visit wasn’t booked. I text his mum because any ‘normal’ person who had booked a visit would find that piece of information slightly concerning and surely would want to contact them to put it right ?!? Well no , she waits until the morning of the visit to reply saying ‘hey, they have my contact details so I’m sure if there was a problem they would contact me, thanks.’
Ooook , far different once again to the xxx and nice messages i’ve had previously. I replied saying how I was just concerned as didn’t want her to go all the way and it not be booked. I had no reply! I later find out from my best friend (who lodges with her ) that she didn’t go because his grandma wasn’t well!! WTF?!? Sorry What the ACTUAL fuck! So I don’t go and people don’t bother anyway! Why didn’t she go without his grandma ?! Also if this visit was booked and they didn’t just turn up, he would lose a visit surely! I feel so fucking mad with her! The selfishness that she could just do that and not even talk to me about it?! Fucking bizarre!! I don’t think the visit was even booked but why lie?!, it’s pretty obvious from what he had said about the visits board and the fact she just thought it was ok to not turn up. Did she not think her poor son would be waiting to see her ?! Shocking!! Shocking behaviour! I have no more to say to her. I will book visits whenever I want now! He isn’t interested in seeing his dad, far different to her view of ‘he can’t wait’ and I believe this was done to spite me! I know he will have my back and I know he wants to see me. She had her chance of me being nice! No more! I hate that I can’t just talk to him about it. It is one of the hardest things to deal with when your partner is in prison. We take for granted out here how when something happens we can contact the one we love and talk it through. This life you kinda adapt to just waiting and sitting on it. It doesn’t get easier , you just learn how to deal with it better.

ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH!! This sums up my frustrations. I have already sent a voice note to my friend telling her about my day which did make me cry when I was briefly explaining the events of today!

OK so… I may have explained previously how I was disappointed with his mother over the christmas period, and how she did not reply to me when I asked how he was after she had visited. It was really important to me as I was panicing about something and I felt it was really out of character to not reply to me, and then when she did I get a ‘yeh thanks’ as I had asked if everything was ok. Rude? No? Well I took it that way and so over christmas pretty much left her too it. Especially after a couple more ‘off’ texts. Today she texts and says ‘I haven’t heard from you, have you just been busy?!’ So basically passing the buck on to me. I ALWAYS reply to her so this was silly. Anyway I didn’t rise to it and was pleasant. She then rings me an explains how she had a letter from him saying how she was keeping her self to her self and ignoring me, and so she wanted to clear things up and hope everything was ok. I didn’t lie, I told her that I felt that weekend she was off and to which she apoligised. I’m not about to get into a bitchy slanging match so I accepted the apology and we move on. She starts talking about his dad, and how he is now wanting to go see him! I am pleased, genuinely but I did say I thought he was out of order for disowning the poor boy like the way he has. Apparently his mother however understands why he did it, ‘he was angry’, how they are his parents and she understands that they have both tried everything to stop him from breaking the law. I’m sorry but shit happens and if my daughter ever landed her self in there i would NEVER turn my back on her. EVER! I then go on to say how I have started seeing it as somewhat as a positive. I explained that if he wasn’t, we would have broke up because of how bad he was when he was doing his illegal activity. I made the comment that we are now stronger than ever and how he idolises me and that this is wasting a year of my life afterall too. Well that was a wrong move. She felt the need to explain to me that she will ALWAYS be his mother, yes yes I understand that. That was the first blow. Next it was ‘you’re not both thinking of tying the knot are you?’ I took it as a joke and laughed asking why she thought that. She wasn’t joking! She then went on to make it very very clear to me that he was too young to be settling down, to have babies, to get married etc and that he really needs to think about what he wants in life. Looking back why was I so calm about this?! She is basically implying that I could potentially hold him back. I feel fucking shit! She kept going on about qualifications and university. Why is that so important? I’m 29, I have a degree yet I have only just decided what I want to do. That’s life. What’s the rush? My sister never went to university. ALL my close friends never went to uni does it make them any less of a person? No course it does not!! Relationships and love is far more important. She mentioned how she always chose intelligent men to be the father of her children but joked how they had been rubbish fathers. HA! Well I put my point across on that one, I much would rather a decent person and father than someone who brings in all the money. She somewhat agreed. This has clearly been the problem and I fucking knew it. She’s suddenly protective over him, doesn’t want him to be ‘tied down to a woman.’ Why can she not see that I want whats best for him too? I’m not some silly girl who will try and trap him and in fact without me where the fuck would he be now?! He often tells me I’m the one who keeps him going.

It got worse! The subject of visits. She asked how many he gets and then said ‘so in february is it ok if its just family?’ WOW! Just WOW! How can she not see that that’s not offensive. I’ve been the only person to stick by him fully through this whole fucking thing and yet february I’m being pushed out. I explained that the 14th he had wanted me to go and she did agree that I should go then but it’s still the principle, how dare she exclude me from ‘family’. I then get texts that are patronising telling me ‘he’s asked me to sort out visits for all his family,’ well whatever I’ll leave you all too it. That’s fine. On your head be it if I don’t go on Valentines Day!

It got me thinking though. I don’t want to be that person who holds him back. Maybe he should just go to his mum’s be tagged there and we take it slowly , or meet again in a few years time. My head is all over the place, and that was before I got called selfish by his cousin for not putting him on the visit tomorrow too. I mean what is wrong with these people? Why would I want to share my visit with someone who hasn’t so much picked up a pen to write to him.

I can just picture it, me being the mug picking him up for his town leave, he goes out to see his cousin and just treats me like a taxi. It won’t be the first time I have felt like a ‘drop in centre’ as I used to call it. Being on ROTL is going to be stressful I just know it. If he so much has a drag of a spliff or a sip of alcohol he will ruin EVERYTHING he has done. EVERYTHING! If he’s late , again RUINED! I’ll be the bad one again when I’m shouting at him or stressing because he’s not just been gone an hour. Even if he is around people smoking, that shit stinks he’ll be in trouble. Do I really want that stress? Do I really want the hurt of him choosing other people over me? I owe it to myself to not get so upset, not like how I used too. A crying hysterical mess because he was never around when I needed him. I tried so hard in educating him on how to do things right do I really want to have gone through all this for him to have learnt nothing?! It pains me to think of how it was before, am I just being dumb in thinking things will be different when he comes home. If tag wasn’t an option, could I really see him staying in every evening with me? Like grown adults should do? He barely spent an evening in with me before, and if he did he was on edge or I’d have his stupid cousin messaging me or turn up at my door.

I will speak to him tomorrow, but I have a lot of thinking to do. I don’t want to mother him he clearly has one of those who still looks at him as a child, but I don’t want to get my heartbroken again either.

Do these people reallllly think it’s easy being on my own on a friday night? No male affection in over 4 months? That affection I used to crave constantly, being single I had more sex!! What sort of fucking life is this??