Tag: life

Posted in Singlemum

How the 2020 love affair ended …

Posted on by KerryLouise

Tonight I had a notification that my blog had got some interest, it prompted me to write again.

I read back on the old few posts and my God it is clear how manipulative, narcissistic and truly fake the man was that I spent the majority of 2020 focused on.

What a waste of time.

So I blogged on the 12th November about his little strop and it appears now that the photo was in fact intended for someone else and that someone else was his ex!

The following day he told me it looked like he was losing his house he was due to move into in December. On that Saturday (the 14th) he was again moody and annoying, I was fed up of all his negativity especially after him sending me a video of his bike broke. The bike I helped him buy I must bloody add.

Sunday morning, early, he sent a message along the lines of ‘everything is just going wrong atm, I need to back off and focus on myself, just trust my judgement please.’ You know what, I was ready for it, I was almost past caring.. ‘Focus on himself’ that’s all he had been bloody doing! For months I had been his support, from small things like cooking him food, to even writing his cv and going through all his redundancy papers to see if he had a ‘case’. He de-briefed all his interviews to me, and I did what I could to keep his spirits high. I didn’t even reply, the ‘in case I don’t say it, happy birthday for Thursday’ made me super angry. After everything I had done and not to mention the fact I was in his bed less than a week prior to this, the selfish prick couldn’t even wish me happy birthday on the actual day! I was completely put off.

I found my distraction, 3 weeks prior, the man I blocked back in April for having a girlfriend blah blah had got a new number and text me. Yes he should have also been left in the past but in a time of vulnerability and needing to ‘get under someone else to get over him’ I replied. Within an hour he was at mine. It helped. I’ve been seeing him quite regularly since and as long as he doesn’t lie to me again, he’s a good friend, comfortable, familiar and we get on well.

Anyway I then spent many weeks thinking about C, wondering if he was ok. Clearly he was in a bad place and I felt that it was wrong of me to just ignore his message sacking me off , well no sorry ‘backing off’. I did miss him. I missed the good stuff we had. The communication, we made each other laugh daily, the proper intimacy. I did not miss the mind games and the constant nit picking and arguments he created though.

In the interests of being a good friend and just kinda wanting an explanation, I emailed him on New Year’s Day. The email didn’t ask any questions, didn’t warrant a reply if he didn’t want to and I just said whilst I was confused about the sudden drop, I hope he was ok etc etc.

The next day I had a message on Facebook from a woman, ‘my boyfriend, we are back together, thanks for being his friend’. It took me back but then I noticed the name. It was his ex. The same woman he was telling me was crazy, that he actually doesn’t know what he ever saw in her. “She was difficult” and “absolutely did not want her back” amongst many other things. I honestly had no inkling he would ever ever go back there. He called the police on her a few months prior, apparently she hacked his phone, and they only communicated via her sister. He warned me a couple of times that she may message me as she knew who I was. It’s pretty laughable when you really think about it. Either he’s a complete liar or their relationship is truly truly toxic, well either way it’s toxic.

I don’t even feel sad about it. I feel bitter and angry though. How fucking dare he use me for 10 months whilst still stringing the mother of his child along. He’s a coward, a liar and the lowest of the low. To think I actually thought he was ‘too nice’ and not really my type. Big fat LOL. We were still connected on LinkedIn so I told him what I thought there via direct message and blocked him. I explained to her I wasn’t the enemy, I’ve actually done nothing wrong. Whilst she tried to tell me he doesn’t ‘owe me the truth’ I told her that he actually owes her it. If he had just told me I would have never emailed him, certainly wouldn’t have spent all that time concerned about his fucking mental health. How embarrassing that she had to find me on Facebook to message me too. Who are these people ? Are they even adults?!

The complete shit that came out of his mouth, it’s all fucking laughable really. It’s taught me some lessons so I can’t call it all a complete waste of time. I just need to always trust my gut. Granted the ‘back with the crazy ex who made him feel trapped and had no feelings for’ was a shock but I’m pretty certain, if she’s crazy it’s because he drove her there. Man, he slowly started to drive me there and I’m fucking GLAD he’s with someone else. I have no doubt in my mind he’ll pop up back on tinder some time in the future. I can’t imagine I would be ok with knowing my man had another intimate relationship with another woman, she isn’t stupid she knows he cared about me. You don’t spend that long unless there is something there. My friend said that so many women can just forget as long as they have that idealistic ‘perfect relationship’ as a front. She’s probably right, I know I couldn’t deal with it.

I wish I could get past how bitter I feel though. I don’t cry, I don’t feel heartbreak … I literally just feel angry about the whole story. It’s unbelievable and the disrespect is next level. He isn’t even a man, he’s selfish, a coward, thinks he’s better than everyone else and I hope he’s miserable in the long run. If he had said ‘you deserve a good life, you’re a great girl blah blah , I’m sorry but I’m going to give it another try’. I would have respected him a HELL of a lot more and not wish bad on him.

Anyway I downloaded tinder again and have a good conversation going on. Trying to find that is like gold dust these days. I still have my FWB too which is helping me during lockdown.

I doubt 2021 I will meet my husband with the way the world is but I definitely can work on my self. I live my dating life through some friends, and the man pool really isn’t too great 😌

Posted in Singlemum

Being authentically me ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

That’s what I have done today. It was a bad day today, I haven’t cried but I have so desperately wanted to reach out to him and just say .. I miss you. I absolutely know I don’t want him romantically but it’s just not me to be so angry.

I found the letter I wrote a week ago and considered sending it now. I then thought perhaps I may send an email. Then I was looking at I miss you cards online. What is actually wrong with me? He does not deserve my love and certainly not a bloody card.

It sure is a rollarcoaster of emotions but the thing I HATE absolutely HATE is, how it ended. I wish I had just put a stop to it earlier, stopped myself getting so emotionally invested. He was showing me the signs and I was ready to meet someone else but as soon as I did lean back, it’s like he came back, it was a constant game of cat and mouse.

Anyway I decided against emailing when I thought I accidentally one belled him from WhatsApp. I had unblocked him earlier and deleted his number instead, figuring by now he would have deleted my number anyway and would be none the wiser that he was unblocked. I also felt sure he would never ever make the first move ESPECIALLY after my essay block message. I was in my last dialled and wanted to delete him from there too but instead I clicked on it and I have no idea if I got to it in time. I think it’s likely I did. My heart went in my mouth though. I was then laughing about that with friends and then I learnt of some news. A guy who was in my business networking group last year had committed suicide. Absolutely awful and it really hit me to think, life is far too short.

So the email got sent. I said I hated how it’s ended and that if he ever needs a friend etc etc. I don’t expect a reply. I don’t need one. I did that for me. My closure. I can’t do angry. My email also didn’t come from a I take all the blame and I wish we were still together place either I admitted that I should have admitted earlier I wasn’t happy which is true.

We get what we tolerate

I had allowed a man to treat me in a low value way. One time I did text to say ‘i don’t know where I fit in here’ he asked me what was happening and I changed the subject. He then acted more interested again. Another time I said ‘we need to talk’ and he called me pretty quickly (hadn’t responded to my how are you text!) he then spoke about himself, about how busy he was and stressed. When I tried to discuss ‘us’ he said it should be face to face. Perhaps if from day 1 I was more stern about all this we wouldn’t have ended so sourly. Perhaps the night he said right now his life was a mess I should have said ‘ok do you.’ Countless times I wanted to say ‘I can’t do this, take some time, figure it all out and come back to me’ but I just didn’t and all that is something I can take the blame for.

When he said things like ‘I think you’ve made up your mind here’ , perhaps it is his own fear of abandonment or maybe all along he just wanted me to be the one to end it. That still doesn’t make sense as to why he would drive here to see me and spend a lot of time communicating with me on the phone.

So my next relationship I won’t be doing that. If I feel hurt, or feel unworthy or undervalued by a man… I am out!

This has helped me tonight. Now I’m sleepy. I wish I had emailed from my personal email because I don’t even have to check that. Like I said I don’t expect a reply. It isn’t needed x

Posted in Abuse, relationships, DomesticAbuse, Girltalk, Healing from Domestic Abuse, Heartbreak, Singlemum

You couldn’t write this stuff!

Posted on by KerryLouise

If you’ve been following my story you will know I was successful in getting a Non Molestation Order on my ex back in October 2017. He was served the order beginning of November and it was serving his purpose as he moved away and left me alone… fully.

On 20th November we had our return date which he turned up for, was all sorry and puppy dog eyes. Made me feel sorry for him and guilty again for ‘letting it get this far.’ He managed to get inside my head for a while before I met with my solicitor. My solicitor (who by the way I had never met before) was a timid character and I felt wasn’t a strong enough person to be representing someone like me! As soon as I met with her she handed me a letter claiming it was from his partner, my heart dropped like .. wtf he had just spent 20 minutes telling me he was gutted and wanted me back. How was this happening! She questioned ‘have you read it?’ .. course I bloody hadn’t! Why was this only just given to me now? With little compassion or regard for my feelings. Don’t these people realise the words on paper is still abuse. Not only from him but some woman who thinks she knows him. How dare some one write those things about me and get away with it. Telling a woman she wasn’t abused is wrong! No one else can say another woman was not abused, especially someone who claims she was abused herself. Disgraceful! I think it’s obvious to a human being how I would react let alone a family law solicitor! Yes this prompted me to approach him but let’s not forget he came up to me first, my solicitor couldn’t handle him, security blamed me pretty much (because he used me engaging with him to his advantage) and despite him doing everything he could to talk to me, no one did ANYTHING not really. My solicitor just said ‘stop looking at my client’ and when he made out he hadn’t seen said woman who wrote the letter for 6 weeks she flustered around looking at the name of who wrote it and clearly knew she was out of her depth when we were shouting across the court waiting area at one another. Finally when we got into the court room, I couldn’t stop crying. I felt sorry for him again, he appealed because he hadn’t received my original position statement (another failure from my solicitor) and the magistrates agreed he had a right to get some legal advice. So there we were, another date booked. I was gutted.

The no contact continued, bar one phone call I made to him that evening (after all he handed me his number on a scrap bit of paper) and I tried to put it to the back of my mind AGAIN. I was told when I rang my solicitors on the 8th December (return hearing was 15th) that he had not got his return statement in as requested by the 8th but the hearing had been put back to 15th January! I felt relieved but again the communication was terrible, the letter explaining court had been postponed was not received until AFTER the date so without me calling them I would not of known. They then continued to write to me asking for proof of why certain amounts had gone into my account. I’m not talking big figures here, it’s amount of £10 from my mate and £200 from my employer (which were expenses). They also want my mortgage statement, despite me repeatedly telling them I don’t have access to these due to being massively in arrears (I’ll explain another time) no one wants to help. I decided I didn’t care anyway, I would represent myself and the threats of being liable for legal costs did not scare me.

15th January came, I spent time debating whether to show at all but decided I could and I would. I was strong enough to represent myself and I could handle it. However, I was not expecting what once again I would be faced with. This time TWO statements from my ex. These were worse than I could ever have imagined, the worst lies someone could say about someone else and yet I had to just read them and have my heart broken even more. It was evil, vile and cruel. Yet again I found myself having to defend reality and fight with someone who rewrites history so negatively. As time went on I couldn’t shake it, it hung over me for weeks and no matter how many times I said ‘it’s laughable’, it really really isn’t. Someone who I had had a baby with and loved so very much saying these things is not funny… it’s abuse. The court once again adjourned the hearing and I left the court knowing it wasn’t over!

Now brings me to the present day. Today I had the court order from the 15th January forwarded to me (now is the 16th February), the email stated they wasn’t sure if I had received it already. This is my solicitor by the way, how is that acceptable? Clearly I didn’t have it. Not only did I not have the order but did not know I had to return my position statement back to the court by the 12th! I’m too late! So I have no chance to defend myself, no chance to prove everything he said about me was lies, I’m not a prostitute. I am not addicted to cocaine and I am not addicted to sadomasochism! The court asked for professional statements too, again I didn’t know this was an option to defend myself. The court order is also riddled with spelling mistakes ‘earing’ instead of hearing for example. Awful!

On the other hand, the court won’t care he lied. There are no repercussions or consequences for someone telling such viscous lies. How is that ok? It’s swept under a carpet and men (and women) can continue all over the country just make up lies in a desperate attempt that they stick, and they do! Women are losing their children to lies from these narcissistic men and it’s disgusting!

I’ve come to realise, dealing with someone like my ex you have to JUST be strong yourself. As long as mentally I am strong I have to do this on my own.

As previously blogged we’ve had recent contact. He got into my home whilst I was sleeping to beg and say sorry. Call the police? What’s the point?! Tell the courts?! Again no point! Yes a NMO May stand but he will fight for his daughter, I know this and with a NMO in place how can that be done amicably. It will be full of negativity, contact books and contact centres. Judges are awarding these men more contact than they deserve and if I fight I know what him and his family are capable of. I am TIRED. I have no faith, that the system will help me. He will use his daughter anyway he can especially if it’s to hurt me and I just can not bare to lose her. I read stories all the time, mother being hostile to contact and accused of causing emotional abuse on the child and residency is awarded to father. Even if that didn’t happen, him and his family would poison her sweet little innocent mind I just know it. We’ve seen what they are all capable of. Fathers for justice? Give me strength.

Currently he’s accepting everything, admits and ‘feels ashamed’ about how he’s treated me. He holds his hands up to all the abuse and states he would do anything to take it away. Questions his life and asks himself daily ‘what the hell was I doing?’ Of course it could all be words but the point is … it’s amicable. He isn’t abusing me, I carry on through court he will abuse me. He will!

So… so far so good. I am strong. I do not want him back. He dreams of a future all together but I know I’m not that person anymore. Potentially the non molestation order served it purpose but that’s all it could do. No contact for over 3 months was enough for me to get a clear head and realise my worth. Like really realise it.

I’m still scarred, at times we talk and I will turn bitter and bring up scenarios that happened and question how he’s even human. I tell him he deserves to be in jail for the way he treated me and in some ways I’m finding talking to him therapeutic. Hearing him apologise and accept it… accept it all. I then wonder … is he a narcissist? Narcissists never accept or take blame not really. Maybe he will change… but it’s too late for me. Far too late.

Xxx

Posted in Singlemum

Food is not love!

Posted on by KerryLouise

Food! Food right now is a problem. I dropped weight when it was all going on, pain and anxiety puts me off food completely. This stress however has sent me the other way. The need to focus on something other than everything he put me through I turn to food! Auto pilot, hand to mouth, not even thinking, food!! I’m out of control. I’ve had the urge to talk to him again today, over 2 months without any communication! I’m nailing this no contact thing, or am I ? I can’t wait until I feel completely free, feeling uncomfortable in my own skin isn’t helping that process though.

I’m probably being very dramatic and it’s not like all of my clothes don’t fit me (well apart from this one pair of jeans and the dress below) but if I continue it will become a major issue.

It is my own self sabotage! A woman I have recently met and become close too went Facebook live today, a very very real and raw live about her issues with emotional eating and I could relate.

I know that eating those 2 packs of belvitas will not make me feel good. I know it! So why do it? It’s the same question I asked my self when I would have sex with the ex. Good at the time but oh so very bad for me!

I’ve had a long running issue with food my whole life. I lost a great deal of weight to even have half the confidence I have now but since baby number 2 I haven’t managed to feel the way I felt before !

Let’s not forget I still hear him tell me ‘you were too fat for me’ as one of his excuses for cheating on me in my head. He also told me when our baby was just 4 weeks old that if I got my old body back he would have me back. Maybe I am eating more now because I have no body telling me I shouldn’t be, or nit picking at my food choices?! Who knows!

Looking good was always important to him, he always said ‘do it for me yeh.’ Even his letters from jail made comments about my body and hopefully I was getting in the gym. I corrected him ‘no I’m doing it for me!’

Then recently slowly increasingly having less confidence and feeling fatter and with that… more ugly! It doesn’t matter what anyone says if I feel not like the best version of me then I won’t be! I’m highly critical of myself and probably more so now than I have ever been. But I can’t blame that all on him, it’s always been that way.

So I’ve tried just eating better, I’ve tried it! But I know how my mind works and I’m an all or nothing type of girl when it comes to food! Sooo it’s back to basics , back to literally eating cleaner that my mums house! (Which is very clean)! No shit food at all, I won’t even start because right now I can’t fucking stop. I love VLCD’s (very low calorie diets) I’ve done Cambridge diet, slim & save and more recently Exante. I think they are brilliant for those who really struggle with their relationship with food. For me it creates discipline, control and structure. I will write more on this another time.

Now when I get into the swing of it I naturally can eat ‘what I like’ but that’s because my sub conscious is wanting healthier foods and simply just does not over indulge. I don’t believe that crap where people are stick thin and they can eat and eat and eat! It’s basic science, yes some people have faster metabolisms but we can change our own metabolisms just by exercise and eating better!!

Yes people do eat ‘what they like’ and not gain weight but as I’ve said, that is because they like very different things to a ‘fat person.’ I’ve binged at times, to the point I am disgusted in my self. Packet of crisps ? I would have 6! Then would find other things to eat because well that day is ruined so why not! Crazy mentality but one I see time and time again with others.

I know what I’m doing … I’ve done it before. It’s just getting my mindset right and out of this hole I seem to be in right now. Blogging this also makes me accountable right?

Ok fair enough I’m not the girl on the left, but I’m not the girl on the right either.

I was in London wearing that red dress back in 2014. Not only had I eaten bread that day for the first time in weeks and I felt like I was going to die (ok I’m dramatic) but also my ex had hung up on me purely because a man started talking to me whilst I was on the phone to him. It was so innocent but he felt I should be punished. How dare I be polite to another male when I was his woman right! I obviously begged for it and made out I was single!!Then he wouldn’t communicate with me for the rest of the night sending me in to a panic and emotional distress! RED FLAGS!!

I’m going to put some positivity in this and I did achieve this in just 8 months, I feel I’ve let myself slip though since this!

He took that photo, I begged him not too! He told me I looked beautiful, maybe he was humouring me! Highly likely considering he was cheating on me! Then our holiday in May 2017 where the devil him reared his ugly head again! The honeymoon periods never lasted long.

Anyway I will wear that red dress again! I will! My bullet journal will help me!

Totally loving this by the way! However I seem to be spending more time putting things in it than doing things I should be doing! Hmmm … !

Like my God damn EU Law essay!

Article 267 reading here I come!

Has anyone else failed at the ‘new year eating better resolution’ ? February is the new January anyway 😛

Kerry

Xx

Posted in Singlemum

What is a Bullet Journal?

Posted on by KerryLouise

When I first was told about this concept I took one look at it and thought WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL. However that was when the link just took me to pages and pages of codes and words that I didn’t quite understand!

That was until I found Pinterest. Wow! The idea of all those pretty colours and clear (almmost) organisation got me hooked.

I’ve had a paper diary for as long as I can remember. If I don’t write things down I will forget. I have a day to page one now for work, which is super shiny and fabulous and from paperchase (of course).I’ve always got a notepad on the go too. I love stationary! I am very very visual and when I’ve tried to be organised in the past or got a holiday countdown and want to track my fitness. I get addicted to draw graphs and plans. My notebooks end up being just a big mess of scribbles and I lose the pages I wish to keep for ‘blog ideas’ or ‘quotes I like’ or ‘ideas for my book.’ The ideas for my book is a biggy, I often get hit with triggers regarding the abuse I have been a victim too and its like a light goes in my head and I am like ‘oh yeh.’

So for me the bullet journal idea is fab!

I could use it for work but to be honest for what I do I need a proper diary so that is staying, plus it was expensive and a Christmas present. Some people use it for work and personal but I’m sticking to just personal.

I even FaceTimed my equally enthused bullet journal sister and we spent an hour sorting our first pages out together. It was comforting and fun.

I decided I needed to go straight in and start, over thinking it would put me off another week (as it did my sister) and so be it if I go wrong. It adds character right! Like how I got all confused and put that November had 31 days so now December is all wrong, but hey ho.

I bought a notebook that has dots and page numbers already noted. It has an index page too. The dots are great for drawing lines.

It is lacking colour at the moment but I want some colouring pencils to help with that.

The beauty is it doesn’t matter if there’s no order because it’s meant to be random. It’s meant to be unique. I’m excited to use it more and really get in control of my life.

I’m sure I’ll add to it and change it as well which is fine. I plan to be super organised now and waste less time. I WASTE FAR TOO MUCH!

It’s going to help with my book writing, my studying and my half marathon training. I also plan to get more bloody sleep and eat much much better.

2018 Goals – TO BE THE BEST VERSION OF ME

Watch this space. Anyone got any bullet journal blogs?

Would love to read xx

Posted in Singlemum

Going public .. Facebook live number 2!

Posted on by KerryLouise

As I’ve said before I used to hide behind my blog, I was so ashamed and didn’t really understand what was going on. I felt like no one would understand and no one would believe me. It was just a mad mess of manipulation!

Since going more public with the hope to help women going through similar or at the very least bring more awareness around the subject, I’ve had nothing but very very positive feedback.

I shared a blog post on my personal Facebook page and today alone I’ve had 5 private messages telling me how great and strong I am. It helps massively with the healing process and it also encourages me more and more to keep going and to keep fighting.

I also went Facebook live today and it has already 3.1k views!

The full video can be found here Facebook Live . Please do watch and comment or share or even pop me a private message. This is all so very important to me, there is a name for everything I went through and I am determined to help women realise and seek help. The same is for the lady who interviewed me you can follow her journey at Caroline Strawsons blog

I cannot wait to get my book written, I have so much to say. So much! However my essays need to be completed first! Groan! Damn EU Law … again!

Hopefully my bullet journal stuff arrives tomorrow! I’ll write a blog on it then.

For anyone who wants to speak out, about anything really , just go for it!! It’s empowering and it’s building up my confidence more and more ❤️

Posted in Diet, DomesticAbuse, Heartbreak, sex, Singlemum, weightloss, Women

My 2018 New Years Resolutions

Posted on by KerryLouise

So here we are 1st January 2018, a fun night was had and today as been a major ‘not giving a damn day.’ (I haven’t even brushed my hair)

Anyways I aim to set some resolutions and to make me accountable I am listing them in this blog.

  • Cut out caffeine/Drink more water – I know how good doing these simple things make me feel. I also know by doing these things I am less likely to eat crap. I also will have more energy, my skin will look better and I will stop the binge eating. Mad how just a herbal tea changes my whole mindset.
  • Move more – Since I have been working my exercise has dropped dramatically. I am aiming for 8,000 steps a day at least. Currently most days I only do around 2,000 which is terrible and far from the fitness level I was. I would love to get back into running too so I aim to actually get my arse to the gym.
  • Read more – Now I have my iPad with kindle back and still a load of unread books all for personal development I really want to read more. I may set my self mini tasks daily but of course my business law masters reading should take precedence. However the books I have are very important since it is all about healing from abuse.
  • Spend money more wisely – I do waste a lot of money and I am very carefree at times (until the last week before pay day). I will just monitor it better.
  • Write a book – we’ll finish it. Aiming for end of March!
  • Blog more and be more open about my experience – This I’ve been doing well since October anyway but I want to make sure this continues. Increase my audience, with the ultimate goal being to help and inspire other women to really say ‘I mean it this time’. Also increase my Facebook likes on my Page and grow the support Group also. I will also be super honest with everything, no matter how shameful it is.

So there we have it. My aims and goals for 2018. I also have the masters that I am doing and my job that I love, that I am super dedicated to the business development side. So all round it’s a positive bloody beginning to a year.

On a personal level too I really want to date more. My friend spoke about this to me before, explaining how fun it is and I should just do it. It will be part of the healing process but right now I am just communicating with men who are in theory ‘safe’ as we have history. So men that I know. M is obviously not going anywhere but I still feel like that’s a dangerous game, I am falling for him again. Doh! Or is it just because he’s being so nice to me? We actually laugh loads on the phone and he’s helping this process by making me more aware of how badly I was treated and also giving me faith that there is someone else out there. I did see an old flame on Saturday night, he’s one I met out over 4 years ago now. He’s also the same guy who I went with just before my ex was released from jail! That was as good as it always was with him. Again this is great for healing. I was so obsessed with the man who was abusing me and always said he was the best I ever had. Truth is it began to not feel that way! Sharing my body with him, my mind was constantly reminding me how truly awful he had been and I stopped fancying him as much as I did. Being around someone who is incredibly sexy, has never ill treated me, openly tells me how he’ll never forget that first night we met amongst other things to boost my ego and knows what he’s doing made the night 100x better!

So to finish, 2018 I will no longer be obsessed with my ex. The beginning of 2017 I was so sure I did not want anyone else, so adamant I just could never move on, not even sure I could ever kiss another man. I then started believing I would never love anyone as much as him and I would never connect so well sexually with another either but the past 4 weeks I’ve realised that also isn’t true.

I will love again and I will find a loving healthy relationship… when the time is right 😊

Posted in DomesticAbuse

As good a time as any!

Posted on by KerryLouise

Gosh I am shattered. My sleep is all out of sync and I have eaten enough the past couple of days to feed a family of 4. Usually people wait till the1st January to do things they have planned to do different in the new year but time is of the essence I will say especially when I have 2 essays to be in by the 8th January. Argh !

Ok so since getting my iPad for Christmas that I bought for myself I have done a lot of work on my book. The Facebook group is pretty active and since I only started it on the 18th December I am proud that women are already finding support from however I need to do those bloody essays. I wonder if I have taken too much on, and when I was writing my book and put how I am no way trained on the subject of domestic abuse it is all based on my experiences and educating myself on it. I thought hmm maybe there is a course out there too. But no no, not yet… I need to finish my masters first!

So on the morning of the 28th December 2017 I am starting my New Years resolutions now or changes. I will call them changes.

  • Move more – since starting my job my average Fitbit steps have gone down from 15,000 to about 1,500. This isn’t me, I enjoy exercise and love the feeling of my body feeling fit. I will get into that gym too!
  • Eat more healthily – this is so important for my mind space and levels of energy to concentrate and focus
  • Manage my time better – this is important. Less time on social media (although some is needed as I’m building relationships and gaining trust) but it needs to be more structured.
  • Daily glads – I will do this everyday as per Taz Thornton’s book ‘unleash your awesome’. I will list 5 things at least of what I am glad for of that day.
  • Money – I will spend it more wisely

And with all this I will change my life in 2018!!

Oh and every evening I will blog. Even if it is just a paragraph.. it’s important for my accountability !

Enjoy xx

Posted in Abuse, relationships, alone, baby, DomesticAbuse, relationship, relationships, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum, Strength

Monday 25th December 2017

Posted on by KerryLouise

It’s only another day really and to be honest I have coped quite well. I am not looking forward to my eldest going to her dads in a bit but I do feel super tired so hopefully I just sleep. M will probably ring me so that does help but I’ve not been feeling good about that situation recently. He’s being nice, a tad erratic at times though and he doesn’t always think before he speaks but his heart is in the right place. He text me earlier too to say merry Christmas and when he knew I was going out Friday he text then too. Other times he just calls. He’s not right for me. I need to break the cycle of falling for emotionally unavailable or just simply unavailable because of where they are men!

My mind has been going over drive again of course! I feel sick about how happy I felt Christmas Day morning, how in love I felt, despite the ill treatment the two evenings prior! I was so under his spell it is scary! Christmas Day evening and he was so nasty, played with my emotions telling me he would just go out as ‘no point being here.’ All because I had been waiting around for him all day and his mum decided it was too late to go by the time HE has finished doing his drug dealing duties. It was all my fault once again. Obviously I later found out he had been cheating on me too so that deceit is hard to get over. I hate him.

I tell you something it is so so hard to even describe his actions this time last year. Nothing I ever said was right, he was moody, he was nasty, cruel and evil at times. He then made me feel amazing and protected and in love at other times, this would be in the space of a few hours. Constant state of confusion. Everything had to be on his terms, he would fight me for my phone, deny till he was blue in the face there was no one else but just turn it all back round on me. It was around this time I self harmed, I took a knife to my own arm to just get him to shut up with his torture. His words were torture. Being called a slag, being told I begged for it when his cousin sexually assaulted me and that I was always the problem.

Promising someone you are coming home and then disappearing is emotional abuse. His mother normalises it and so he has absolutely no idea about respect. He wouldn’t even be sorry! I would have been up all night, I still feel that feeling now. Telling me that I make him sick is emotional abuse. Kicking off because I wouldn’t have sex in his sisters bed in front of my 2 awake children is emotional abuse. Why did I allow this all to happen and it would be me apologising to him! Begging him to come home. He is truly mentally ill. To treat another human being the way he did me is not ok and it is not right and more importantly now it is illegal!

His sister watched on whilst he just kept going on and on and on and on at me whilst I just stared at myself in the mirror crying my eyes out looking at my still slightly plump figure! My baby was only 3 months old, I look back in time at me! I can see me, crying, hurt, broken and so so confused. I want to inject me with self worth, I want to tell me that I was never ever ever the problem, it was always him. A waste of space drug dealing cheating vile human that even comparing him to the devil is mild.

I spent today glad I don’t have him number. I would call him if I could! I’m feeling like this a lot recently, I want to hurt him the way he has me. I feel so bitter, something I never ever wanted, something that actually by not wanting to be, kept me under his nasty spell some more. But I am bitter and I do want to see him hurt. I want to hear him cry, cry out that deafening heart breaking cry that he inflicted on me so many times. Yet could just walk out and go and sleep easily next to some other girl. Doing that to a pregnant woman or one with a newborn is deranged and I will not EVER EVER forget.

However going in to self pity is just what he does. Poor him, dealt drugs because his dad wasn’t around type of person. God the crap he would come out with. I won’t do that, I will turn my bad experience with the lowlife scum into something very very fucking positive.

Watch me look the best I have ever done in 2018, watch me be successful in my job, watch me publish a book, watch me do great at uni and watch me meet a man who treats me better than he ever fucking could.

I won’t forget that when I found out about his 4th and final affair he said ‘she’s just a distraction, she means nothing, I know you, you’ll meet someone and do it properly’ sounding desperate and scared at the thought! YES I FUCKING WILL. No doubt it’ll just send you further into your own pity party and as a defence mechanism be crying out ‘she never loved me anyway.’ Well unfortunately for you. I did, I fucking did!!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Control

Posted on by KerryLouise

It’s only 9:30am but I do have the urge to write. We all had a lovely lay in this morning and are all still in our pyjamas. I will get us all ready soon so I can go out and finish my Christmas shopping!

So my urge to write is after a conversation with someone which reminded me about a lot of situations I found myself in. These situations sent me crazy, he had all the control and he knew it.

I cast my mind back to August the last time he ‘babysat’ his own daughter whilst I went out! The lead up was awful, I felt anxious constantly that he would just not show up or say he couldn’t do it at the last minute. I had actually made plans long before for an alternative sitter but that fell through 2 weeks before. The point is, I tried everything to find a replacement and relying on him was my worst case scenario! My daughters own father and he’s worst case, yes that really was the life I was living.

I couldn’t find another sitter and yes the lead up to it was awful. He used it against me all week, ‘well you best find another sitter then’ and when I wanted confirmation he would scream at me that I was doing his head in, wouldn’t give me a time and another time back in June when this happened he got me in such a state I wanted to commit suicide and told him that too. It was fucking awful.

When I knew I was getting picked up at 7pm on the August bank holiday, I then kept re-iterating that time to him. The day was a Saturday and he had actually said he would come in the afternoon to spend the day with us. He after all needed to spend some time with his own daughter too. I wasn’t overly excited about the idea but once again the promise fed into my desire for him, I figured well at least I wouldn’t be calling him all afternoon. Well the afternoon didn’t happen and I then found myself ringing him every 15 -30 mins, each time him saying he was on his way and won’t be long. Can you imagine that from 2pm right up until I was being picked up at 7pm! Hell is putting it mildly! What kind of person does that for over 4 hours??? He does, I was used to this kind of behavior!

Then at 6:30pm he was ‘baby this, baby that’ and said ‘just get your friend to wait.’ NO FUCKING WAY! Luckily I had already spoke to my neighbour and she came to my flat to sit whilst waiting for the incompetent man who was unfortunately my daughter’s father!

The stress didn’t stop there for an hour and a half he wasn’t answering my calls! I had to put on a false face to all my girls and not relax knowing I had a temporary babysitter until the absolute prick stepped up and got home! It’s these reasons I will deny contact. He should have been with us all day, not eventually turn up at 9pm!! What bonding happens with a baby after that time!? If I hadn’t had my neighbour that night I would have been absolutely beside my self sat at home knowing my night was absolutely ruined and that’s what he wants!

It still didn’t stop there. He was then constant with the calls and texts and I don’t even remember what was being said. What was evident was that I had the control, I was out! He was stuck at home and he could not fucking bare it! He kept ringing after I sent texts threatening to not come home. He was asking how long I was going to be. Went from calling me every name under the sun, like bad Mother for being out and potentially staying out all night (double standards). Then he’d obviously think better of that and call back being sweet, soft and sorry. How all he wants is his family and me home and a good future together.

I opened up to my friends friend that night who is a social worker. ‘I am being domestically abused.’ I still was wondering how I was going to get out but the force of going home to him and knowing he was at home with the baby was so powerful. It’s funny isn’t it when I was asked who has the baby and I said my ex.. people automatically say ‘that’s good!’ It’s what looks good, without all the shit that was thrown at me it did feel nice too! My man with his baby whilst I was out having some drinks.. how nice ey! If only I hadn’t nearly had two nervous breakdowns in the process.

When I got home he admitted he tried to call his brother to come watch out baby because he wanted to come find me! That isn’t normal! That is him losing control and desperate to keep me at home.

After then I NEVER asked him again to ‘babysit’ whilst I went out! But has since had a cheek to say I just leave my baby with strangers. He would rather I just didn’t go out and that is the TRUTH! He didn’t come home all  night the night before I was going to my friends hen party back in June, I had to call on my first daughters family to watch our baby otherwise I would not have been able to go. THAT’S WHAT HE WANTS! He ignored my calls all day until finally that evening he gave some bullshit calm excuse that of course I was just meant to accept. It was this very weekend I decided, I can NO LONGER LIVE LIKE THIS.

He would promise an hour or two whilst I went to the gym, this man couldn’t even do that!! Scenerio went like this “baby I’ve got you, you two are my world.” … “You have let me down before though.” I would say. “Have some faith in man please, I know how important this is for you. I swear on my life I will be there”. He’s not…… he’s not that sorry, thinks it is acceptable to just say ‘something came up.’

These are not the actions of somebody normal. Someone with a conscience. Someone who is meant to be in love with you. These are the actions of a narcissist.

When I planned Ibiza it was his mum and sister who babysat. They helped me hide it from him too. When he found out he was abusive to the core. He said he would go to London to help them out and of course spend time with his baby. Did he? Did he fuck? This is what I mean when I say he abuses his family too! Promised he would but doesn’t go. That’s how important his daughter is to him so now it is for him to prove otherwise!

Something else also came up in my conversation this morning. He always used to tell me when whatever his argument was at the time was failing that our baby was ‘half black and had other family too.’ Making out it was my responsibility to keep her involved in his side of the family. Literally made out it was all my fault she didn’t see them! I don’t see them calling me or asking and equally TAKE HER YOUR FUCKING SELF! These comments would drive me insane, no normal sane person would use this against someone. She’s your daughter, spend some real time with her and TAKE HER YOURSELF. I actually spoke to his sister daily!! Which his comeback was then ‘yes because you are a beg friend’…. LOL couldn’t win see.

The first time he got arrested after I called the police was his grans birthday obviously I never heard the last of it. Doesn’t matter that this time last year on 23rd December when we had planned to go see his own mum on her birthday he rang saying we would leave at 11pm and then he didn’t contact me again till 4pm the next day! Christmas fucking eve! The sick dirty cheating bastard! He chose a girl who didn’t even know his real name over being a family and visiting his mum on her birthday! He still denies it of course! Letting his sister down too! I hate him, I really fucking hate him! I really really could go on! There are so many times he controlled, so much manipulation! He used control ALOT, storming out and not coming home, leaving me in an hysterical state either pregnant or with a new baby. Hanging up the phone, telling me to call back in 10 mins and then not answer for 40 minutes. EVERY FUCKING THING HE CONTROLLED.

Leaving the house every morning, I had to wait for him. Even though he had no intention to stay with me or come with me. He would make me late to so many things. Tell me what to wear. Make me feel like I couldn’t talk about my opinions and beliefs. I couldn’t even tell him his baby had a bump at nursery because that would somehow be my fault.

God I am so pleased I never have to be controlled like that again. The man needs help!