Category: Heart

Posted in Beauty, Challenge, Fitness, Girltalk, Heart, Holiday, Ibiza, Journey, law, lawstudent, life, Lonely, love, mother, prison, Prisoner, prisonwives, Running, sex, single mum, Stretch marks, student, Weight, weightloss

1 Saturday down , 5 to go ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

.. Until I am able to go out and party!! I have my little girl tonight anyway so wouldn’t have gone out tonight but tomorrow could have been a possibility. Craving a good night out so bad!! 

1,818 calories today, had a Chinese with my mini me but counted it correctly. I didn’t snack at all today and that makes such a big difference in your calories, they soon add up. I was under on the fat and sugars content too. I didn’t manage to go for that run this morning, woke up feeling so groggy as I have been doing for a while now. More water, more water a must and back drinking my herbal teas I once got into a good routine with. 

I bought a new cream today and at nearly £10 (and that was half price) it wasn’t cheap. Nip + fab tummy fix it’s called, the reviews look good and after I stood in my underwear in front of the mirror at the sunbed shop I realised how bad the tummy situation is. I took a photo, not brave enough to upload yet but I will do if I get a good picture in a month or so to compare it. Will let you know if it works. I know it’s pretty natural to have stretch marks and excess skin after a pregnancy and especially for someone like me who has lost over 6 stone but to me it just looks weird. Not natural at all. I did get into a good shape last year and it began to look better but I was having a personal trainer then, I am hoping I can do it again without one. 

It’s 1:40am, I did my usual of having a late evening kip to study more effectively. It works yet my body clock is all over the place. Proud of what I have achieved tonight tho. Tomorrow I am working again, cinema date with my daughter then I will pick a different topic to get my teeth into. I’ve got this!!

65 days till Ibiza !! 

Posted in Company, Diet, Fitness, Girltalk, Heart, Heartbreak, Journey, law, lawstudent, life, Lonely, police, Prisoner, relationship, Uncategorized

I feel so sad …

Posted on by KerryLouise

I need to snap out of this. I have already napped for a while. These exams won’t revise themselves! BBC Question Time is just making me angry, and I keep thinking about sweets to make me feel slightly happy. 

I miss him, I miss him so much. A year ago today was when he was arrested. A year ago tonight I had a sleepless night not having a clue what was happening just wanting to hear his voice. Why do I feel so sad? The good news is this time next year he will be here, back with me and probably annoying me lol. 

His brother rang me today. I couldn’t believe it. He’s been gone 8 months and he is only just asking me for his prisoner number and address. He also said he felt he had a duty to see if I’m ok beings I am his brothers missis. Say what??? The last time I even spoke to him was after he was screaming in my street at us both. That being said I do hope he does write to him and they can have a normal relationship now. Family is important, even if they do have some making up to do. 

1,376 calories today, not enough water and I really need sweets to get me through my revision session ! 

Law student life !!! 

Posted in cheat, court, Deceit, Diet, Fitness, Girltalk, Heart, Heartbreak, lawstudent, life, love, Mistakes, prison, Prisoner, Running, student, Weight, weightloss

Foooooood!!!

Posted on by KerryLouise

so 2,500 calories consumed, with a 40 minute continuous run (which I am proud of) and about a 1/4 of the day studying the Human Rights Act! I am getting there, kinda, slowly! Far more calories than I would have liked and most of the extras was sugar that I just do not need in my diet. All my running is making me loads more hungry plus I’m due on next week so this week is the devil week for wanting allll the food. Other girls can relate right?! 

My run is a positive defo, some inconsistencies with the distance, the treadmill and my app both said different but meet in the middle and it was about 6k and I didn’t stop once! Woo! 

Studying, I did well earlier but this evening has been the same routine of wasting time. An hour phone conversation with my sister and what’sapp pinging me with my friends telling me of their dramas. The friend I’ve spoke of previously who also has a man in jail and had been seeing someone else received a letter from him today. He ended it! In a letter!! Like what?! Now I know I do not know the ins and outs but that seems so harsh, especially considering she felt she couldn’t end it whilst he’s banged up in there. Their story is completely different to ours she was his co-defendant, they been together 5 years, split up, had different partners then got back together last year whilst he was inside. She then seemed to me like they were madly in love if anything more so than me at times, and now it’s all over. We were getting through this journey together with the same release dates and now I’ve lost her but hey. I can do this. On my own. 

Posted in Challenge, Diet, Fitness, Heart, Ibiza, Journey, lawstudent, student

Day 4 and in need of a plan …

Posted on by KerryLouise

… So it’s 4 weeks to exams, I have quite a lot of work booked in and also training for the 10k Race for life.

I have just had a meeting with my personal tutor (very late in the year) but the action plan section we had to think about got me thinking about how action plans can be a very good idea not only academically but also in real life. Tonight I shall plan a revision timetable for the next 4 weeks. 

I went over 2,000 calories yesterday the co co pops got the better of me and although today I am not eating badly I know this evening potentially a chippy is on the cards. As long as I don’t over eat right? My relationship with food can be  just like that , my mentality of ‘diet starts tomorrow, eat all the food’ has happened far too much in the past and ironically the times I have lost the most weight and felt the best have been times I have trained ALOT and not focused too hard on the word ‘diet’. My fitness pal is great for that, just making me a little bit more conscious of what I am eating and how much. I was getting into the habit again of thinking I had ate a lot in one day, “so let’s just eat some more” when in reality I really hadn’t. 

The truth is I am already feeling loads better, my legs are back to looking slim and if I turn to my side and breathe in 😉 I know I can get there. Basically what I am saying is, if I want chocolate I am going to eat it. Revision and sugar free is just too much, plus I have 4 weeks after exams finish before Ibiza when I can focus more on nutrition. 

The more I think about the marathon the more I hope I am successful it getting a place. I have ALOT to work on but I am prepared for that challenge. 

… Right lecture time 

X

Posted in Challenge, Diet, Fitness, Girltalk, Heart, Journey, lawstudent, Lonely, prison, Prisoner, prisonwives, student, Weight, weightloss

Day 3 .. 69 days till Ibiza

Posted on by KerryLouise

I woke up feeling shattered, going to bed now feeling shattered and it’s only 8:30pm. I did a 1k run just after the school run thinking it is at least something and means less time wasted in a gym. My legs are still aching from yesterday and it didn’t go well. 

Been really hungry today and eaten 1’530 calories. I can hear the co co pops talking to me from the cupboard too, it’s inevitable that a bowel of those will be consumed. Argh I don’t want to feel this tired, I wanted to do some more revision tonight, it’s hard at the best of times let alone when I am feeling so tired. 

Anyway my boy called me early this morning. That hasn’t happened in months, it’s almost like he knew I needed to speak to him. See soul mates. He said he had had a really vivid dream and he needed to hear my voice, I do still like those unpredictable phone calls. I spoke of my concerns and his response was as I expected, and I now feel a little stupid for getting so irate over a comment his stupid cousin put on social media. He had only 5 minutes this morning but he called back later in the afternoon. He wants a future, proper stability, as I knew. I told him how I just get scared about the future and how I could end up back in the same situation once again. He understood and then admitted he gets scared everyday that I could get taken from him. By someone with more money, more stability, better educated etc. I hear that but I am glad he has some insecurities anyway. 

Anyway co co pops are calling …. 

Posted in Challenge, Fitness, Heart, Heartbreak, Journey, lawstudent, love, Marathon, Mistakes, relationship, Running, weightloss

Day 2 and somewhat calmer .. 

Posted on by KerryLouise

I have calmed down, I should give him the benefit of the doubt really after all I’m going by a stupid Instagram post and knowing his cousin he just wants to show off. Although not quite sure what there is to show off about ‘trap money’ but hey. This being said I will talk to him about it of course but I cannot ignore what he has said to me, he wants a real job, a real career, a real family and his days of being on the streets are long gone. I guess I just fear the worst but can you blame me?

On a positive note I have decided to run the London marathon next year, well I have applied anyway, fingers crossed my chosen charity accepts me. It is a massive challenge but it is something I have always wanted to do and what better than to do it the year I am 30. The year my life has a new beginning with my soul mate home. 

Today I have consumed 1,330 calories, I did 8k earlier on the treadmill. Well it was interval training but believe me it put me through a right sweat. 1 minute brisk walk 1 minute sprint for 56 minutes. Determined to beat my 1hr 12 mins for this years 10k Race for Life. All this sexual frustration is coming to some use in my running 😉 

Posted in Challenge, Girltalk, Heart, Holiday, Ibiza, Journey, lawstudent, life, Lonely, love, Mistakes, prison, Prisoner, prisonwives, relationship, weightloss

I can’t deal with life today ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

The PVB Blues have hit me. I could do with a day in bed, away from the world. I definitely do not feel like I want to go to work. I am sat in McDonald’s with a coffee and have 7 minutes until I need to be in store. The breakfast snack wrap made me feel a bit better but I know tomorrow I will regret the junk I have eaten the past 2 days. I was doing so well! I knew seeing him would make me love him more, and I knew seeing him would make me step back and look at the bigger picture. I still have 8 months on my own and there is nothing I can do about it. I want him. Only him and I couldn’t move on even if I tried. I am grieving, all over again. I got to a point where I felt ok, I could deal with it, granted I was thinking I may be getting fed up of it all but now I feel like I am at square 1. How the hell did I get through the last 8 months?! This should be the easier 8 months. Lord give me strength! 

Now I am in store I am sitting in the staff room trying to find the motivation to go and do what I am being paid to do. I think food and treats will be the on,y way to get through this weekend then from Monday its the 10 week countdown!! Ibiza time!! Not only do I want to look and feel fabulous but having that as a focus will help my mind set, my mood and my tired levels. 

Right lets being do this. I am strong! 

Posted in court, Heart, Journey, lawstudent, life, Lonely, love, Mistakes, police, prison, Prisoner, prisonwives, relationship, Uncategorized

My heart behind bars…

Posted on by KerryLouise

The phone just kept ringing, well that was when I actually managed to get through. The engaged tone was constant and the phone just screamed call failed. 100 attempts and I was starting to think ‘how much, can I really cope with?’ , ‘is this going to be my life moving forward?’ … My brain was pre-writing the email I was going to send, how I would complain that I did not have the time for such a chore just to be able to see my boyfriend. How I had lots of University work to do now, and how once again ‘Life really just isn’t fair’. Then the woman answered… a huge sigh of relief. Its funny how instantly your mood can change, I no longer wanted to scream or shout I just wanted an appointment. A booking visit to see my boyfriend…

..

… yep he’s in prison… 

I often wonder how the hell this has happened to me? A law graduate with 4 years service under her belt as a special constable, a law abiding citizen who doesn’t even have any points on her driving licence and someone who was once so anti-drugs I just could not condone any contact with them at all. Now don’t get me wrong I am not completely innocent, I have debt that I just don’t really care about, more notches on my bedpost than I have cooked hot dinners and my lifestyle has sparked a few interests from gossips in the past. 

 Here I will reveal all, my past, the present and my future will develop under this blogs very eyes. I often joke about how my life could be a best seller, now when I look back I think why the hell did I think my life was so interesting. It is nothing compared to what I am currently dealing with. NOTHING.

I have always loved to write, I even started another blog a couple of years ago and I have a written journal I started earlier on in this year too. Both I failed to keep up, this though, this will be different. I will also pull extracts from my previous entries because the thoughts and feelings I wrote at that time was just madness.

I am 28 I have a 6 year old daughter from a previous relationship who I love more than anything. I am honest with myself and real, I am more maternal now than when she was smaller but that is something I can talk about at a later stage. I don’t have a career, I have had many different jobs since I graduated from university 7 years ago, but nothing that has felt like I wanted for the rest of my life.

April of this year was a life changing month for me, not only did I decide that I wanted to get back to uni but my boyfriend of just 4 months was arrested and subsequently charged with the supply of a Class A drug. I still remember that week like it was yesterday, I was on jury service at the Crown Court surrounded by other members of the community. I had made my decision that law was wear my heart lied and I would go back to university and do whatever I had to do to become a barrister. Little did they all know I had had my home raided that morning and my boyfriend arrested in my bedroom and taken away in a police car. Jury service had ended yet I still found myself in court, it all felt so surreal. This time being completely effected by whatever decision was made. The tears just would not stop as I saw my boyfriend in the dock behind glass and hearing his solicitor talk of the possibility of 2-3 years in jail. His solicitor requested he got bail so he could say ‘goodbye’, I could not believe the words I was hearing. The magistrates broke to discuss whether bail would be granted. I was finally able to speak to him after over 24 hours and we kissed through a gap in the glass. ‘Please do not keep my baby’ my head was pleading, my whole body shaking, just wishing we could rewind and I knew he wouldn’t do no wrong. The magistrates came back and I am sure I stopped breathing for the few seconds it took them to say ‘You are free to go’, bail had been granted. A huge sigh of relief and I was anxious to just get to him as soon as I could. ‘You are free to go’…. just so so surreal.

A

fter 3 and half months on bail, just a little more than the original 20 days that we thought it would be he finally got sentenced. I will talk more of this time later. The judge spoke. 3 years just seemed to keep echoing in my head, 3 YEARS!! How did the judge come to this decision? We had not prepared ourselves for that long. I wanted to crumble on the floor as soon as I left the court, I saw no way out. My heart had sank so far it may as well had stopped beating. He was gone, just like that. Taken from me for at least a year and a half. I questioned myself ‘what do I do now?’ ‘How will I cope?’ .. I had lost a part of me. I had to keep going it was my daughters 6th birthday, it is just something you have to deal with.

It will be 3 weeks on friday, he managed to call me on Monday. He had moved, he told me of a visiting order that has been raised, he also told me there was a letter in the post where he has mentioned my upcoming holiday to Ibiza. This morning I had received that letter, this evening I have booked in to see him using that VO. I am sure when the letters, phone calls and visits become more frequent it will be something I will be able to deal with alot easier.

I am now back at uni, it is just 1 day a week on a part time basis. It will be challenging but that is something I am not shy of. This week and next I have 2 days a week to attend, and I already have reading to do for lecture preparation.

My evenings since he has gone have consisted of a few tears, restless nights and of course my daily email that I am fortunate enough to be able to send to him. It really has been a life saver in helping me come to terms with the fact the love of my life has been taken away from me. I still get to communicate with him.

There is so much more I could write about on this first post, but when your head feels so cloudy it hurts and you are conscious of some uni reading that needs to be done for the next day I feel here is a point to end it.

One thing I feel I should point out is.. ‘I LOVE HIM’… I will stand by him and I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason and this horrible journey we are both on at this moment will END! It will!! And then we can live a very happy life being more (if that is possible) in love than we already are….