Category: Uncategorized

Posted in alone, baby, breastfeeding, cheat, Deceit, Diet, Heart, Heartbreak, Lonely, love, Mistakes, relationship, relationships, Singlemum, Strength, Uncategorized

Baby’s first cinema trip 

Posted on by KerryLouise

My little cutie went to the cinema for the first time today. Good as gold as per usual. My sister had to change a very explosive nappy though and she did feed on both boobs. She’s still a little angel. 

Her daddy text in the afternoon asking how we both were. He said he wasn’t coming straight from work, that’s fine I replied and when he called you could tell he didn’t understand my relaxed attitude when I said I had made new plans too. I don’t want to stop him from seeing us but if he can’t stick to a time then that gives me the option to be unavailable and can keep him at a distance. He needs to miss us. 

We spoke later on and he mentioned how he had been talking with someone from work who said how I must be lonely. He never wanted me to feel lonely or unloved apparently. It’s inevitable though and I just commented that I’m used to being alone, I just miss him. It was a pleasant phone call and I feel ok. Sometimes my mind wanders and I think about him with her and all the lies and deceit but that does me no favours and I’m only punishing myself. 

 I sent him some words to think about … 


Tomorrow I weigh myself. Last Wednesday I began a no gluten or sugar diet and I’ve found it pretty easy. Today I had sugar though at the cinema but hey ho. Can’t be perfect. I’ve had two comments today about weight loss and I am definitely feeling more confident in myself. 

Literally buzzing for a night out with my friends on my birthday. Ordered a dress last night and I cannot wait to get fully dressed up again. Fingers crossed I just feel super fabulous by then ❤️

Posted in cheat, Deceit, Heart, Heartbreak, prison, prisonwives, relationship, relationships, singlemum, Strength, Uncategorized, Women

Tiny steps ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

After a lazy morning just blogging, merging my two blogs and reading over the old posts I’ve made I totally feel like Dominic should read them. Especially the ones of when he was inside. He could see how I was always saying ‘he was the one’ , how in love I was, how at times I was angry and got mad about the situation. I know he suffered but he needs to realise I did too!! 

I then made the mistake of reading over some of the letters he sent me whilst he was inside, it made me cry. Maybe it was all me, maybe I have completely fucked his love for me… but then I remind myself of all the love he’s still shown me since his release and even after I told him whilst he was still inside. It’s still there, it is definitely still there ! This blog may not show that love but remember people only tend to blog when things are going badly! 


The bit that gets to me is that he does talk of loyalty a lot. There’s many letters saying how he can’t share me, he talks of our children and how he’s going to let them know how their mummy is his queen. That word loyal , it stings me. It really does. I’m annoyed with myself for being as weak as I was. 


Throughout this year when we have been getting on he has admitted that I was always there for him mentally and that’s what was important. 



Then I read the above and realise, okay the other woman stuff may not have happened if I hadn’t off met that other guy but he still would have done all the other stuff. The cheating has only been the icing on the cake, the rest of the year was nothing to do with girls! 

I have a box full of letters like this. The letters only stopped when he managed to get hold of a mobile a lot more and he had it over night a lot. He forgets this and was last night screaming at how the emails stopped coming. How I went so long without visiting him, (genuinely due to money and work) and how he just knew something was up. I remember speaking to him loads on the phone, why would I send emails when we speak on the phone daily?! We had phone sex whenever he had the phone over night and he was still so amazingly loving even AFTER I told him about the little fling I had. Last night the anger and hate in his eyes devastated me thinking he literally couldn’t get over it but I’m adamant that all this love can’t just be dead and buried. 

I called him this evening as was expecting him. I told him we should leave it till tomorrow since he was running late and I had some friends to see. Progress! He was calling me baby and said how he’s been thinking about us all day. I briefly tell him about the blog posts and the letters. Once again he tells me he loves me and we can make it work. 

I didn’t call again, which is also progress for me. Often no contact is better than contact if he’s cold and distant on the phone so it makes sense. I try not to think too much about what he’s up too, even if he is with her, I know he’ll be thinking of me. 

In future I won’t be the one making any sexual advances or asking for a cuddle. I need to try and not bring ‘us’ up and just let him enjoy being with his daughter. Rather than talk about the bad stuff and where we went wrong which usually just annoys him and reminds him. I’ll let him enjoy his daughter and be a nice person to be around. He promised straight from work (again) and would bring a change of clothes so he can shower here. Then spend the whole evening with us. I must not kick of when that doesn’t happen, and certainly not have bloody sex with him!! 

If he doesn’t show, that’s when I will change my number. Changing my number would certainly make him happy too since he has asked repeatedly since we first met!! He mentioned today again how he wants me to get rid of any men I’m chatting too since he saw my WhatsApp yesterday. Bit rich considering he’s doing what he’s doing but I literally don’t want to give him anymore ammunition. 

Why the hell does he have me like this? I can’t imagine life without him. 😩 It’s bloody pathetic !!!!

Posted in baby, Birth story, breastfeeding, life, love, Newborn, Parenting, pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, sex, singlemum, Strength, Uncategorized, Women

Baby had her first bottle 🍼

Posted on by KerryLouise

It hasn’t been an easy decision and I did ignore the health visitors advice for a week. The breastfeeding gurus on Monday told me to just feed more but realistically with this current set up it’s pretty impossible. I don’t have the support a woman needs who wants to exclusively breastfeed, I still get pain and I need to start trying to sort a routine. 

So today she had her first bottle with formula. I’ve also given her expressed in a bottle and she has fed on me since too so it hasn’t gone too bad. Hopefully she now gains some weight. It also gave me a sense of freedom already. 

She’s such a good baby , she’s literally amazing 😍

Yesterday afternoon I struggled. I hit a low again , sobbing out loud with that heart wrenching pain. He went to hers after work at 6am and although I thought I’d be ok with it I really wasn’t!! All his betrayal makes me sick and the fact he’s still going there makes me so angry and hurt! Wednesday afternoon his texts were pleasant and he even felt the need to text ‘xx’ . We spoke in the morning and I still felt positive like we could sort it out eventually. He ended the call saying ‘love you too.’ 

Evening came and he text saying ‘can I make it up to you I feel ill’ if it was his first excuse and he’d been brilliant for past 4 weeks I would have accepted it. But no … it’s not on. I made a comment about how he’s making excuses just to be with her … THEN he said ‘listen stop bringing my girl into our arguments.’ Is he fucking serious ??? His girl ?? Yet he has been with me for 3 days , stroking my face, kissing me, holding our baby talking about how he’s going to win me back. All done in front of his brother at times! Then he has the cheek to disrespect me like that! Mugging me off in front of a 20 year old girl. NO! This is where this stops!! What was I thinking anyway allowing him to continue with two lives. Even before this I had made the decision it had to stop. I had to be stronger … he needs to miss us now and lose us for even a chance of him fixing up and stop being such a selfish prick! 

A phone call to his bro and a suitcase and 5 bin bags later I took all his stuff to his dad’s house. I sent messages with abuse and he still text saying ‘I will always love you.’ No matey you fucked up. Showing off in front of someone who is half the person I am! He also text saying he was going to come straight from work. Again I told him no! He can’t just pop by whenever he pleases anymore! That girl child is welcome to him. He won’t change for anyone and I felt good for the first time in a long time!! I know he’ll regret this. I know he’ll be back. I know this little set up he has with blondie won’t last and he’s only enjoying the fact she’ll take his shit! 

He had gone to work and at 3am I woke to messages saying ring me and also saying ‘I know you’re awake!’ I did what I said I wouldn’t do but called him, same old SHIT! About how I hurt him, how he wants a woman he can trust. Who will support him no matter what. The boy is deluded. I’ve given him the chance of a proper life and he throws it back in my face. I’ll give it to him he does manipulate the situation so I’m apologising , I’m still saying after everything I’d still be willing to give us a chance. To that he just says how he doesn’t think I’ll mean it and as soon as I’m myself again I’ll just leave. He continues to go on about how well I was looking when he was in jail and how it hurts so bad that someone else had me. It’s all very childish and it’s all the same stuff we talk of. I need to leave him to it now. No amount of talking will make him see sense, he needs to realise for himself and it’s very likely I won’t still be around when he does realise. End of the day … if he REALLY didn’t care, didn’t want me and had ‘moved on.’ He wouldn’t spend hours talking to me about this stuff. He wouldn’t want to confuse situations by having sex with me. He would just say ‘I’ve left, I love Ariana and can we not make it about us anymore but only her’ .. the talking is frustrating ! Why bother if he knew 100% we were never going to work. 

Today I woke up feeling sad. Thinking maybe it is all my fault , how maybe I shouldn’t have told him my mistakes (as he suggested) and how gutted I was. That was until I read a few entries of an older blog of when he was in prison. It was hard reading the posts about how in love we were, and how strong it was making us and how he was my soul mate. Then I read a post where I was questioning my loyalty to him anyway. It was deep it was raw .. pretty much summed up how much of a prick he was before he  went too. 

Reality is … he’s never treated me right. Only time he did was when he was behind bars, and of course he would then. I’ve given nearly 3 years of my life to him, had his baby and he still questions my commitment!? What a messed up boy! 

By this afternoon I again was thinking how maybe me keeping a distance would make him come good. I have to have a little hope, even if it’s not for a relationship but for our daughter! She doesn’t deserve a pop by dad who only wants her when it suits him. 

He wasn’t interested in organising seeing her through a mutual person so I suggested he has her on his own at mine. Suggesting this Saturday night only put me under the spotlight with questions! Where am I going? Who with? What am I doing? He was clucking all ready! 

This afternoon he text asking how we both were, then said how he missed Ariana, asked where I was then finally said ‘please don’t ignore me’. I replied with ‘yeh we’re cool thanks’ nearly 2 hours later and nothing more! His reply 

See!! He’s not well! He’s a very confused boy and if he doesn’t sort himself out he will lose far too much and then regret this for the rest of his life ! 

I didn’t reply. He’ll be at work now, and I can’t lie I rather think about him being at work during the night than being with her. I know I cross his mind, we both will. He admits how it’s bloody constant, I literally think of nothing else at the moment either and even the most selfish person in the world wouldn’t be able to block all this out. 

I need to stay this strong. This time it can’t just be days .. it needs to be weeks. Months even! When he wants to see Ariana I need to leave him to it with her, I can’t be around him as he just makes me weak. It won’t be a daily thing either and I won’t be the one asking when he wants to see her. He knows what he needs to do. 

I’m just taking each day at a time xxx 

Posted in baby, breastfeeding, life, love, Newborn, Parenting, pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, sex, singlemum, Strength, Uncategorized, Women

Baby’s first hospital trip 

Posted on by KerryLouise

It’s pretty scary for mother to see blood in your baby’s sick as you can imagine ! I first called NHS direct at 3:45 am on Monday morning. What a surprise Dominic wasn’t contactable.

We went for lunch on Sunday as planned and we ended up being together for like 8 hours. It’s one thing saying he can have minimal contact but when we’re together and getting on, why would I begrudge our daughter and also me of this family time ?! He wanted to bath her too and saying no it would just turn nasty. I have to be honest I also like having him around.

I think he realised how important it is to be around more or at LEAST contactable for his daughters sake after he finally learnt she was in hospital on Monday morning. It’s frustrating that he can’t just realise this!

Luckily turns out the blood was likely to be from me after a bad latch. It was well worth the visit as she is now being treated for reflux. Which is likely why she hasn’t gained weight and not due to my breast milk. Dom was brilliant all day, had to tell him again in the evening about himself but he saw sense pretty quickly and he came home with us. I was bloody tired so I really needed the support.

He’s spent the majority of the day here too. I am so torn between knowing I deserve better to thinking we can work through this. Outsiders will call me crazy but I’ve realised now how much I did really hurt him by meeting someone else when he was inside. We have both been unkind to each other and yes his revenge was done at a disgusting time but the thought of life without him kills me. The thought of not giving this another chance for our baby just isn’t an option for me. We haven’t been right for ages and yes she’s still on the scene but I think it will come good.

She called him Sunday stressing as to why he was still with me. After that it was quite easy to show myself exactly how weak he is of a person. He just laid on the bed and I showed him what he was missing. After all I have needs too!

I know he will always tell me he loves me, make comments how ‘mummy needs to have me home’ and making it pretty clear she means nothing to him. Right now he has no where to really go as I’m not ready to have him here full time. Not only due to forgiveness but because of trust. I’m not putting myself in that position again, I’m letting her be the one stressing about where he is and what he’s doing. I’m not going to force him into making a decision nor will I use our baby as a reason we should cut the crap and start again. At the minute it’s like I’m the other woman and I rather it be that way then me being the one cheated on, she thinks he’s here just seeing our baby but separated couples don’t behave like us. Realistically will I be able to trust him again ??? That I’m not so sure about.

Posted in baby, breastfeeding, life, love, Newborn, Parenting, pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, sex, singlemum, Strength, Uncategorized, Women

With a new day comes new strength and new thoughts ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

Saturday morning and I woke up feeling sad. Baby just 3 weeks old and her daddy isn’t around. I felt like I just wanted to him home, I wanted him there to have family time in our bed. Enjoy our new baby together. I felt just shit. 

On Friday he told me he wanted to see her everyday and asked if midday was ok for Saturday. I had been invited for breakfast that morning and I wasn’t about to turn down company when the likelihood of Dominic sticking to a time is zero. I had to stick to my guns though and if he failed to show or wanted a different time then no , that’s not ok. His loss. Far too many times during my pregnancy he would dictate to me everything .. literally EVERYTHING! I also didn’t want to play it nasty either , just going out and not contacting him would give him the opportunity to say ‘well I came by’ and I’d be blamed. So I texted in the morning asking where he would like to meet at 12. At 12:45 he messaged asking if he could come later.. I explained I was busy later and we should do tomorrow. Sounds minor but that is a big step for me. I took back some control. He was kind in his reponses, I even got kisses and we have planned to meet today for lunch.

As the day went on I was feeling low again, just missing him, wanting to call him. I didn’t get it.. was he not missing me too?!! Mind again playing overdrive and just hating all of this.

Then the unthinkable happened at around 8pm ‘hey how as she been today?’, I was shocked. My friends were shocked, we had just been having a conversation about how men can go days without seeing their children and not think anything of it. I didn’t give too much away in my responses but he did message saying how he can’t wait to see us both. Whether he means it or not it helped that he said that, he clearly was thinking about us. 

I woke up at 3am, and then again at 6am for feeds and both times I have felt like I don’t want him. As much as I justify his actions, admit my mistakes and feel all this love for him … he literally has done the unthinkable! I remind myself of the times I didn’t know where he was and think ‘fucking prick he was with her,’ he watched me go through that traumatic labour and cried so much (through guilt apparently) yet still went back there after. Chose drugs and having sex over looking after me and his baby!! Easy option for such a weak man. Even when I questioned him he lied and was rude to me, like I was going insane. 

I have so much to say to him today. Him disappearing the day after I got out of hospital was disgusting! I couldn’t even get out of bed. Even if I had booked a prison visit and not turned up when he was inside would not compare to this. How could he possibly have done that to someone he supposedly loves and his brand new baby. That girl is just a sket too, as if I would want a man round who clearly hasn’t stepped up to being a father. She’s blinded obviously and thinks ‘oh he’d be different with me’, well wait until you get karma love because I will stand back and laugh!! Even since and you’ve found out he was still with me you’ve took him back. So congratulations on being a mess and a weak little girl. Right now I feel like she can have him. I don’t need to deal with his bullshit. I can meet someone who would NEVER treat me the way he has. Not even the cheating at the most disgusting time but the mental abuse, the vile words, the lack of respect, all of it. 

I REALLY don’t want him right now and that’s a good place to be at. The thought of having sex with him again makes me feel sick, he has a bloody lot of work to do for that. I hope he gets his help, but I need mine too. I’m showing him I’m strong yet crumbling inside. Just by taking back a tiny bit of control I’ve seen a different side to him ALREADY. The powers of reverse psychology ey ….. 

Posted in baby, breastfeeding, life, Newborn, Parenting, pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, singlemum, Uncategorized, Women

My baby is 3 weeks old ! 

Posted on by KerryLouise

Today my baby is 3 weeks old , she is so alert and everyone who sees her can’t get over how beautiful she is. This makes me sad that her own father is missing out on this joy. 

I woke up feeling low again. More disappointed that he hasn’t attempted to find out how she is. Be how you like to me but your innocent baby doesn’t deserve this. I made a decision this morning to go and see his probation type officer person. She’s there to try get ex-offenders back in to work and keep them out of jail. I’ve always thought in the past she may be worth a visit but in fear of trying to protect him I decided against it. Now I’m not about to protect anyone but my children. He needs help, and I still care enough to try and get it for him. 

She was shocked, she got teary with me (as any mother /woman would) and told me she was going to have a very stern chat with him. She had obviously never seen this side to him and believes as I do that deep down the family we have is what he wants. He always made out to her that he was so happy with me and she believes that the cannabis and company he keeps is just ruining his life.

As the day went on and no phone call I continued to just feel lower. I had a couple of hours on my own in the evening and I couldn’t help it I had to call him. Not going to lie I was shocked when he admitted he was at her house but I remained calm and it didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would. After all I knew it anyway. He told me he was coming to see me, I told him that we should meet in a public place . Which is what we did. (If McDonalds car park in my car counts) 

I got a pep talk before I saw him from my sister and knew I had to remain calm. No tears, no anger and certainly no begging… just calm. 

I started by thanking him for finally being honest. I asked him if he loved her, he doesn’t (which I also know.) I asked him why on Wednesday was he still telling me we wasn’t over and why did he not show up after work?! His only response was how his head is fucked and realistically he needs to just be single for a while and sort himself out. When he finally looked me in my eyes he said ‘what the fuck am I doing man?!’ Anyone from the outside will think it’s all just a show but I know this is sincere. I know what our love is , I also know we have both hurt each other a lot and he even questioned whether just too much has happened that it will never be the same again. Maybe he’s right! 

My mistakes were bought up again and even things that I had done this week he blamed for his reasons for just ending up back there. He is INCAPABLE of accepting full responsibility for anything it’s crazy! 

Like I admitted yesterday , yes I hurt him bad but when I fell pregnant and even after that first scan where I admitted he may not be the father we BOTH made the decision to continue with the pregnancy. I reminded him of that this evening. It was my sorry to him, I went with what HE wanted to do and he’s just shit all over me. 

Yes talk is cheap and easy to say but I believe it when he says that he’s so ashamed for doing it when I was pregnant. He was all over the baby again and said how much he missed her. He was very pissed off with himself when he knew about her not gaining weight and promised he was going to be there for her and me more. We should be meeting at midday tomorrow, I need to make sure I don’t constantly ring him when he doesn’t show. If he fails to meet us that’s his fault. I’m STILL giving him the opportunity to be a dad to our baby and I shouldn’t need to mother him. 

He’s already cheated on his new ‘girlfriend’, since we kissed and he said how he needs to fuck her off. Fuck her off for us. He pleaded with me to help him get help and that he can’t do it on his own. I doubt he will tell her where to go, certainly not yet anyway. He isn’t strong enough for that but I know as each day goes on he will realise more and more what he wants. Yes I hate the thought of him with her but he had to think of me with someone else and he had to do that whilst stuck in a prison cell! So I need to just deal with it, accept we are separated for now and get the old me back. No stressing about what time he’s coming in, what he’s up to, whether he’s going to get arrested just concentrate on me and my girls. I am confident that he’ll be back, not so confident I will want him but I do like to think that some proper time apart could start that friendship back again. We had lost that, we have been so unkind to each other and we couldn’t go on this way. 

He blew kisses at me when he left the car and I do feel better. Even if he doesn’t do what he says at least I am in a better place. That is the main thing! I do hope that one day we can put all this behind us and do things properly but if we don’t then hey that’s ok too. Everything happens for a reason and realistically we should have separated months again (too hard being pregnant tho) and yes him seeing me as that confident happy fun Kerry he fell in love with will certainly mess with his emotions. In the meantime that dumb blonde can have him, I won’t feel any sympathy when he shits all over her .. cos he will! He most certainly will!! 

Posted in baby, breastfeeding, life, Newborn, Parenting, pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, singlemum, Uncategorized, Women

Acceptance … 

Posted on by KerryLouise

I don’t even know where to start .. but I need to get this down in my blog. Admitting what has gone on to the world is my next step in acceptance. Accepting he is never going to change, accepting he just isn’t the man I thought he was and accepting I am not getting that perfect family. I’ve wrote posts previously but kept it on a separate blog .. a blog that isn’t associated with me but now it is time.

Me and my new babies father met in December 2013, seems so long ago now yet in such a short space of time SO much has happened!! In may 2014 he was arrested and charged with drug charges , he spent what felt like forever on bail where the courts really proved they couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery! In August 2014 he was finally sentenced, and that was it he went off to prison for 16 months. My world crashed, I missed him so much , me and his mother describe the pain like as if he died. We were grieving, it was ridiculously hard. Visits were the highlight of my life and looking back they were actually lovely. Just kissing, laughing, joking and talking. All we longed for was to be able to start our life properly ! Endless amounts of letters and phone calls and we were so in love . After about 9 months my own thoughts got over me and I did meet someone else. I was building a resentment for Dominic, I was crazy lonely and I felt so bitter that his crime had put a stop on my life too. I feared we wouldn’t work out anyway and remembered his behaviour before he went and worried that he just would never change. My fling went on a couple of months and yes I got feelings but always knew it was Dom I really wanted. Little did I know my honesty would be be used against me for the last 10 months.

So yes I did a bad thing and I even had a small amount of doubt on who the babies father was, which is awful I know but I was completely honest and gave him the choice. However the honesty and the talking and him saying he forgave me would never last long.

From around March time he began his drinking, him staying out till 4/5/6 in the morning, not answering his phone at times. Began doing things that were risking his freedom and just being an absolute selfish animal.

I fell pregnant literally the week he came out of jail. He regained his freedom and I lost mine. He loved that, he loved the control he had. He often made comments that I did enough going out when he was locked up. The conversations we would have were like a broken record. I can only describe the last 10 months as HELL. Regular occurrences of him calling me a prick and a dickhead. I’ve slapped him, he’s hit me. Disappearing. Popping to the shop yet ending up in town and coming in at 5am smashed out of his head. Not answering his phone , or having no battery on his phone. I’d feel stressed about him holding down a job, (he’s got through a few) turning up on time , calling in sick and arguing with team managers. All this time carrying his baby!

Early on I never did worry about him getting with another girl. Yes he’d disappear but he’d always end up with me at the end of a night out. It was the illegal activity, the disgusting mental abuse and just leaving me on my own all the time that I had to deal with. He told me I deserved all this for not standing by him properly. How I broke his heart , so he was breaking mine. I’m actually finding it a lot more difficult to sum up these months than I thought. After each outburst I would beg him to leave me alone, telling him to just admit he couldn’t get over what I did and just let me move on with my life. But no … with every episode of disgusting and vile anger from him it was then followed with how much he loves me and how much he’s going to make it better. How he wants a proper family , and that he was going to be the man I wanted ! Famous last words 🙄

I would say at LEAST once a week I would deal with some kind of heartache, heartbreak and stress from his words and actions. I was crumbling daily and began to just start listening to what he had to say rather than react. This stopped the fights but it was still chipping away at my self esteem. This is a man who can call me a cheap slag and walk out a room, then because of no reaction he would come back and say sorry less than 5 minutes later. I judged this behaviour from a far and then came to the conclusion that he needs mental help. The cannabis smoking was making him mentally insane. Again trying to make sense and justifying this disgustingness.

As my due date got closer he got worse. I accepted he didn’t really fancy me and I had got out of him that something had happened with someone a couple of times. I accepted this as karma and with his sorrys I was going to move on with it. We were still having sex though so I never imagined it was that bad. All I’ve been wanting is my baby here, so sure it would change his ways. Now she’s 3 weeks old tomorrow and he’s actually been worse than ever. I’ve also found out that the girl who was just a couple of times has been many more and not only was he with her when I was heavily pregnant but also since I brought his baby into the world. He makes me sick! A night I couldn’t get out of bed due to the c-section , yes in a hormonal outburst I said ‘don’t come back’ but after 49 missed calls he bloody should have. Again I said if you have someone else GO!! I’m not stupid I know how it looks. He got angry screaming how he don’t need no pussy he’s making money and just other vulgar justifications for why he wasn’t with me when we both needed him!

Now I found all this out by snooping and approaching the girl. Sunday through to Wednesday of this week he was so convincing that he was sorry. His head was fucked it’s me he wants and she’s lying about how he had told them they were together! I am amazed at how this human can lie so convincingly to me yet has also clearly gone back to her and told her I’m lying and that we’re not together. I had thought we were both wiser than him but realistically she’s a 20 year old child. Despite us both saying he needs to get in a room with all 3 of us she has accepted his lies and deceit. The cheek of her has even said to me that she feels like he had cheated on her with me!! Sorry what?!? 😳 oh and also called me a slag and that I’m using my baby as a weapon. I can’t fight with imbulsils especially childish ones. Go ahead believe him but she best know that he won’t ever stop trying to tell me he wants me, nor will he be any different to her and actually be a decent boyfriend. We’ve been together nearly 3 years and despite all our SHIT there has been ALOT of love there so I’m not threatened in the slightest in thinking she’ll get everything I ever wanted from him. He’s incapable of being that person!

Early on this week as I said I was accepting his sorry. I was hurting so bad but I felt like I just needed him around me, listening to him grovel and try and plead and beg!! Then yesterday I was having her call me stressing me out and confusing me even more. Dom and I spoke and agreed that we needed to separate for a while. He was still adamant it was me he wanted and not her, why not be honest?! It makes no sense to me. I had to accept that if he’s not with me he’ll be with her, his promises mean nothing.

At 8pm on Wednesday night he called, he was shocked at my positive attitude and he told me he loved me, how he was off to work (he works nights) and would be with me at 6:15am after work. I knew different,  he thinks I believe he has work stuff in his locker and so didn’t need to come home .. but I let him believe he had fooled me! I didn’t care anymore , lose your job and it will just sum up everything you’ve done this whole year. Go spend night with her cos you don’t want to lose your ‘side chick’ .. I don’t care. She can have my sloppy seconds since we had sex just yesterday morning .. I’m done now!

It’s now gone midnight on Thursday night and obviously he hasn’t gone to work again! He may have attempted to come to my flat but he hasn’t called. His phone is probably still dead (since his charger is here) but I’m not calling him. I want him to stay as far away from me as possible. He’s going to need a change of clothes soon though, a bag out the window will have to be it.

Today he has shown me even his daughter or more promises will not make him stop being so selfish. Today is the first day he hasn’t seen her since she was born and he hasn’t even had the decency to call!! It highlights exactly the type of behaviour I’ve put up with since he came out of jail and I know I deserve better. My children deserve better and it’s about time I make sure that happens.

Health visitor visited today , my baby isn’t gaining weight. My breast milk isn’t as rich as it should be .. due to stress and not eating well. This has made me even more determined to fuck him off! He’s effecting our baby by treating me this way and he deserves absolutely no happiness from her at all. She is literally perfect and amazing and he’s already let her down countless times. 

Him being around me will go 1 of 2 ways he’ll charm me and get in my head or he’ll attack me for anything he sees fit. Most probably how I’m a bad mum and using our baby against him. He will not be getting in my flat .. he can fight me to see his baby and I cannot wait for the day he is genuinely crying and regretting every last single lie he’s told me and every time he laid a hand on me and every single vile word he has said to me!! I know he will, I know he’ll hate to see me move on and like I said I also know he won’t treat her any better than he did me. I can feel free!

For now yes I’m broken, devastated, hurt and gutted but I know I’m stronger than this. Stronger than him. I can move on knowing that he’s gone to her for the simple reason she’s believed his bullshit and I haven’t!! He can live with himself for the rest of his life for treating the mother of his child and his new baby this way and when he’s back in jail and has ALL that time to think he will realise and he will be the devastated one!!

I am a strong woman and I have 2 beautiful girls and I will be damned if they see anymore of this vile man. They will both look at me and be proud.

Super strong power mum! 😘

 

Posted in pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, Singlemum, Uncategorized

ONE WEEK TO GO!!!

Posted on by KerryLouise

I go from wanting her here like ASAP to being ok about there still being time left. I am getting the odd tightenings but nothing major still.

I went for breakfast this morning with two other pregnant women, we spoke about men and their dealings with pregnant women. On a whole yes they are rubbish, they don’t get it.. they continue their care free life of going out and getting drunk whilst us women have to be a mother as soon as we get that positive pregnancy test. It is hard work. I found my self almost blaming myself for not handling this right. Justifying all his actions, my screaming and shouting maybe made him behave the way he has. I found an old diary I had my made when I was pregnant with my first and it was pretty similar. I don’t do pregnant well and unless I want who doesn’t have a life then this is never going to work. There is a happy medium though right?

After last night I thought we had it sorted. We don’t. We really don’t. As he held me in his arms and asked if he could stay over the following night, telling me I have nothing to worry about, how he’s handled all this wrong and I’m going to see such a difference when the baby is here. He also told me he’ll cook for me and spend the afternoon together the following day. I told him ‘we’ll see’ to the staying over but agreed to being cooked for.

I knew his timing of midday was never going to materialise. I also assumed he was never going to cook for me. I called him at half 1 and was cool and cheery. Explained I would cook and asked if it was ok if he bought some grated cheese with him. He replied saying ‘probably not, I’ll just forget’ … I just laughed and said oh ok I’ll get it. At 10 to 6 I called to find out when he was coming and he answered saying babe let me call you back, again I bit my tongue and accepted it. 6:30 I called back as still no return call. He explained he would be with me at 8:30… again I was pleasant and didn’t react. Often I’ve reacted in the past and it does nothing other than get me so wound up I could burst. Well it’s now midnight and not so much of a text. When will I fucking learn??? I don’t even get angry anymore… I just feel hurt. Hurt and ashamed. So thankful this nightmare is almost over, I honestly don’t think he realises what he has done. He talks about all this love he has for me, but lets face it what bullshit. Complete and utter bullshit. You don’t treat someone you love like this. The only person he loves is himself.

This kind of thing has happened on a weekly basis. One would just assume he was cheating on me, he is so convincing when I ask him. I have no reason to doubt him since I know his lifestyle.

Please give me that strength to not say things like ‘I miss you’… because what the hell do I miss? …. I should not say ‘I love you too’…. he is not worthy of my love. He doesn’t deserve this child I am carrying and when he finally wakes up and realises this I hope his heart breaks just as much as mine has. He says I did that when he was inside, BUT this kind of behaviour went on long before he even went to prison. He’s been like this since day 1. Why the fuck did I ever stand by him??

You live and learn and at least I get another gorgeous little baby girl ❤

 

Posted in pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, Uncategorized

8 days to go!!

Posted on by KerryLouise

After my post last night I felt quite strong, I had laid it all out and felt positive I could get through it no matter the outcome. Then I wake up…. I try call him around 10am and no answer so instantly I feel shit again. I want to send him a message just going mad but I just need to realise that that doesn’t get me anywhere. I knew he’d be sleeping but it still gets to me as i’m thinking ‘what if I was in labour.’ My friend said I do need to chill, and I agree. When he finally got back to me about 12:30 you could tell he was expecting a reaction from me, but I didn’t give it… I was calm.

This evening we spoke abit before we went to the cinema, he’s assured me that all the wild crazy thoughts of what he gets up to is just that. Crazy and wild. My fear of him returning to prison has made me into someone he rather not be around and his thoughts of me with someone else has made him want to hurt me the way he felt hurt. It’s all been a mess.

Anyway obviously I understand that this can all be words. I’m under no illusion that he may still continue like this when she’s here but I have to just see what happens. My focus is and still will be me and my girls. Although I am gagging for a night out , a bit of party therapy may stop me from being so bitter about other people being able to drink haha.

Feet feel swollen tonight… having a few tightening’s and lower cramps but I’m not getting my hopes up. Still full of a cold, Doctor told me it would be cleared up by weekend. Well Doc ….. its still here!! MEH!!

I found my old Slimming World book today during some more nesting as they call it. Basically my waist when Courtney was 6 weeks old is the same size it is now at 39 weeks pregnant. I cannot believe how different this pregnancy has been. I’m excited for her to be here and for the weight loss challenge.

 

Posted in pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, Singlemum, Uncategorized

9 days to GOOO!!

Posted on by KerryLouise

It’s after midnight so i could technically say 8 even, although I’m pretty sure she won’t be coming early. With scan bringing me forward anyway by 4 days and well just my luck really to end up going over and have to be induced. 23rd September is my date for that joyous event, so any thing between now and then is just a waiting game.

I haven’t wrote in a good while. To be honest I feared this blog would turn into just one big moan and whinge about my relationship. It would highlight things that I really needed to do and I wasn’t quite ready. I even still don’t want to go in to everything because that isn’t why I started this blog but I need to get this down. We’ve been through a lot as a couple, a prison sentence being the main obstacle, then upon his release I got pregnant very quickly. It hasn’t been enjoyable at all and I am half the person I was this time last year. Well double in terms of weight of course.

I’ve given him the benefit of the doubt on numerous occasions, numerous being an understatement! Yet he’s persistently treated me badly with disappearing acts, being unreachable, going out for an hour and ending up a drunken mess at my door at 4/5/6am. His attitude has stank and more often than that he blames me for everything. Despite me being completely honest about a man I met during his prison sentence, and him even knowing before he came out he still told me he meant everything he said whilst inside. I was his world, he wanted to marry me and other things he promised. It didn’t last long, I’ve listened to how I don’t deserve to be treated well because of what I did to him and how I’m a slag basically. Unforgivable words if I’m completely honest and they still play on my mind now.

What has made this all the more difficult is that after every argument, every disappearing act, or times he has been mentally vile to me I get the real nice side. He’s sorry, he can’t lose me (I’ve begged for him to let me go) , he’s going to change, it won’t ever happen again…. and rather than us taking some time apart to start again within minutes he’s forgotten exactly what he’s done and said and we go back to the nice normal. Until the next episode that is… which is never long! Now I’m no angel, I don’t pretend to be… he says these things… I see red. I use words to hurt him back and it’s just been completely toxic. He’s just betrayed me so much, can’t hold a job down and I fear he will end up back in jail and that is something I put my complete faith into not doing when I stuck by him. I’ve supported him as much as physically possibly but he throws it back in my face.

I also hold my hands up I’ve been weak, he’s made me feel so low, SO SO low but due to the situation (mainly me being pregnant) when he’s making it up to me I have to embrace it to cling on to that happiness. The love is still insane, I’m sure anyone from the outside can tell me why put up with all that ? But when you love someone THIS much you cling on to every word and believe them and even at the times I HATE him … like hate him so much I just want to protect him and try and guide him. It’s a mess, I wish I hadn’t met him at times, I’ve often thought ‘what the hell have I done’ in terms of the pregnancy and I hate how he’s made me feel, but then on the other side he’s my best friend. He does have such a good heart and no one has ever made me feel as loved as he has. The extremes are too much.

It has made no sense why he would spend the hours talking to me, always getting to the ‘root’ of the problem for it to just happen again and before we know it were having the same chat again. I honestly believe him leaving me would have been easier. Yes hurt at first but this constant up then heartbreak, has broken me. Each time he does something it breaks my heart a little more. Since 2013 (when I’ve met him) during his arrest, court case, prison sentence and now this I could easily go the rest of my life without a single tear. I’ve cried enough!

Anyway more recently enough has been enough, we are apart. To be honest weekends feel no different as he barely spent any with me anyway, he’d tell me he would but then get ‘tied up’ and stumble in at stupid o clock often me being awake all night. Half expecting him to try tomorrow morning, he did last Saturday morning. Putting my buzzer on private doesn’t work, he just throws things at my window to either wake me up or get my attention. I then let him in like a weak fool!

I know many men can go crazy when girlfriends/wives get pregnant, we are also a massive exception to any rule since we’ve had no time to be ‘US’. He got his freedom back, I lost mine…. he’s taken full advantage that he knows I’m not going anywhere and I’m wondering if all this is even something I can forgive?!

His promises has now changed to when baby is here, I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt AGAIN. I will see how he is when she is here, if he continues like this he does not deserve a relationship with this baby. He will say I’m bitter and using her against him, I say it’s me protecting my daughter from a man who may or may not be in her life or it is as when he chooses. Babies don’t need part time dads who want to be out on road all the time, or partying all weekend, or even risking their freedom, they need stability, love and lots of involvement!

In terms of our relationship, this week he has been a bit colder. Hasn’t been his usual self in trying to ‘make it up to me’, he’s taken a step back but he still stands by that he wants me, he wants us to try. We haven’t spoke in great detail, but has made comments about how I’m crazy. Does he still fail to see that it’s been him? Treat me like this… I get crazy…. It’s not rocket science.

I go from wanting him so bad to thinking I just possibly couldn’t forgive him for all what has happened. Knowing his charm though I think as long as he does change and do as he says when she’s here then he’ll have me smitten again. I am ADAMANT in the fact that anymore of this fuckery then it’s over. I love him, but I love myself and my baby girls more. Only so many life lines you can give someone and it won’t be long until I’m back to the old confident me and it will be him who wakes up and realises what he has done. Maybe not in a few weeks but one day. Everyone who knows the situation (not many) but they all say the same…. including his mother. He won’t get better than me, and even if I do see him with someone else… I’ll know she’ll just be putting up with the same shit I did and honestly if he couldn’t be a better man for me and his daughter he won’t do it for anyone.

It’s so hard admitting you was wrong about someone, or even admitting that the man you were so in love with could possibly treat you like this during pregnancy. I’ve often felt ashamed, felt like maybe it was me, felt like an idiot for even getting pregnant by such a douche in the first place and seriously NO ONE has known how bad its been…. NO ONE!

What doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger and ok I didn’t plan my life to be single with two children by two different dads but that does not mean I can’t find happiness one day. Definitely put off men for a long long time though, and pregnancy well NO WAY! Just NO!! I’ll have my two girls, I have my independence and I have my career and life to focus on. I’m 30, it’s still young really. It’s going to be ok.