Category: alone

Posted in alone, baby, Challenge, DomesticAbuse, exercise, Fitness, Girltalk, Heart, Heartbreak, Holiday, Journey, Marathon, Recovering from abuse, relationships, Singlemum, Strength, training

Oops I did it again …

Posted on by KerryLouise

…. I signed up to the half marathon in September! This time no one can get in the way of my training. It did actually pop into my head earlier about how unreliable he was.

“Baby I got you, were a team, you are my world. 100% I will be there in the morning so you can go gym. I promise you. On my life. Fully supporting you. Have faith in me man’ , morning came no sign of him. ‘yeh so what, I overslept, I can’t help it when I do the job I do my body just shuts down. I didn’t ask it too. It’s hard work you know.’ Suddenly his promise from the night before does not hold for anything, he turns aggressive and angry that anyone would dare question why he has gone back on his promise. This damages his ego, he is no longer the person he was making out to be the night before! This is a form of abuse, it’s power play, he gets someone fully reliant on him and then has no regard for that person. This complete lack of respect and control made me feel so damaged. He is an asshole. He is an abuser.

Good! Right! Needed to remind myself of them after I had just seen pics of our baby with him on our holiday. Although he was an asshole there too. I’m so tired though so will talk about that tomorrow.

So yes! Half a marathon!! It’s on. I did day 2 of the training programme app and actually hit 16,000 steps on my fit bit for the first time in months!!

I aim for a big walk tomorrow.

Watch this space

Xx

Posted in alone, DomesticAbuse, exercise, Fitness, Recovering from abuse, Singlemum, Strength, Weight, weightloss, Women

Back to reality!

Posted on by KerryLouise

Omg it hurt. It was dark when I woke, and I felt so tired all day. I have won at no caffeine ✅ but my steps are low – less than 5,000 ! Bad! I need to get back to loving the gym. It’s hard when it’s so dark, and so so cold.

I have not eaten any complex carbs either, for the second day but I need to be stricter. I stepped on the scales. 9 bloody pounds! Gross! I have to get focused and look like 2015 me! Although my dude from Saturday night told me he thinks I look better now, more meat apparently. But oh well, I don’t like it. Saying that, and being shocked at 9lbs, I don’t feel that huge and my pics from New Year’s Eve I’ve been told I looked hot soooo it could be worse.

I want my fitness back. Summer 2018 I will feel amazing! 👌🏼

I wanted to talk today about the stigma that is attached to single mums and also when women are judged for using their ‘child as a weapon.’ Someone shared an article today, this individual is a man who is very pro ‘men should see their children,’ his experience has prompted his business to help others. Which is great but sometimes there is a good reason children do not see their fathers and it certainly isn’t because the mother is being an asshole. I saw that exact comment

‘I hate my ex but I’m not an asshole, children are people not possessions to withhold and play with.’ I did write a comment but deleted it, it isn’t worth the confrontation.

I have had a disagreement with this man before over the same thing so he knows my views. I also read how difficult the courts are on men, funny how another group I’m in is highlighting how bad the courts are in supporting men who have been a perpetrator of domestic violence. If only life was so black and white.

I will hold my hands up I encourage my ex to seek legal advice for contact (on recommendations of social services), I would love nothing more than to him to just leave us alone. I have considered a contact centre but with provisions which he can’t stick too.

A father is important yes but an article stating that single parent families children are more likely to end up in prison, pregnant early, low IQ and some other crap is a load of shit. Well with my daughters father in her life she’ll be more damaged than without. He abuses me in front of her, makes promises to her he already can’t keep, carries drugs and weapons, he’s unstable and not well, so tell me what benefit would he be for my beautiful daughter. Also let’s not forget, the chances he’s had to be in her life but chose to cheat, not come home when he said he would and deal drugs. His 2 week paternity leave was a joke! He was barely here and I was recovering from a c-section! What a complete fucking arsehole, I hate him!

It was hard leaving my baby today. She got so used to being with mummy at home she cried hard and put her arms out to come with me. It brought a tear to my eyes. Being a working mum has its challenges. I love and look forward to picking her up each day, and I used to just never understand how her dad could go as long as he did without seeing her even though he COULD! He chose to do those things I mentioned rather than be a family.

He won’t be kicking himself though because narcissists never reflect. They are incapable of looking back over what they have done wrong. They live for the now, and blame everyone else and that’s difficult for someone like me to accept.

All I want is a real sorry, a genuine sorry and him to admit what HE’S done!

Posted in Abuse, relationships, alone, baby, DomesticAbuse, relationship, relationships, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum, Strength

Monday 25th December 2017

Posted on by KerryLouise

It’s only another day really and to be honest I have coped quite well. I am not looking forward to my eldest going to her dads in a bit but I do feel super tired so hopefully I just sleep. M will probably ring me so that does help but I’ve not been feeling good about that situation recently. He’s being nice, a tad erratic at times though and he doesn’t always think before he speaks but his heart is in the right place. He text me earlier too to say merry Christmas and when he knew I was going out Friday he text then too. Other times he just calls. He’s not right for me. I need to break the cycle of falling for emotionally unavailable or just simply unavailable because of where they are men!

My mind has been going over drive again of course! I feel sick about how happy I felt Christmas Day morning, how in love I felt, despite the ill treatment the two evenings prior! I was so under his spell it is scary! Christmas Day evening and he was so nasty, played with my emotions telling me he would just go out as ‘no point being here.’ All because I had been waiting around for him all day and his mum decided it was too late to go by the time HE has finished doing his drug dealing duties. It was all my fault once again. Obviously I later found out he had been cheating on me too so that deceit is hard to get over. I hate him.

I tell you something it is so so hard to even describe his actions this time last year. Nothing I ever said was right, he was moody, he was nasty, cruel and evil at times. He then made me feel amazing and protected and in love at other times, this would be in the space of a few hours. Constant state of confusion. Everything had to be on his terms, he would fight me for my phone, deny till he was blue in the face there was no one else but just turn it all back round on me. It was around this time I self harmed, I took a knife to my own arm to just get him to shut up with his torture. His words were torture. Being called a slag, being told I begged for it when his cousin sexually assaulted me and that I was always the problem.

Promising someone you are coming home and then disappearing is emotional abuse. His mother normalises it and so he has absolutely no idea about respect. He wouldn’t even be sorry! I would have been up all night, I still feel that feeling now. Telling me that I make him sick is emotional abuse. Kicking off because I wouldn’t have sex in his sisters bed in front of my 2 awake children is emotional abuse. Why did I allow this all to happen and it would be me apologising to him! Begging him to come home. He is truly mentally ill. To treat another human being the way he did me is not ok and it is not right and more importantly now it is illegal!

His sister watched on whilst he just kept going on and on and on and on at me whilst I just stared at myself in the mirror crying my eyes out looking at my still slightly plump figure! My baby was only 3 months old, I look back in time at me! I can see me, crying, hurt, broken and so so confused. I want to inject me with self worth, I want to tell me that I was never ever ever the problem, it was always him. A waste of space drug dealing cheating vile human that even comparing him to the devil is mild.

I spent today glad I don’t have him number. I would call him if I could! I’m feeling like this a lot recently, I want to hurt him the way he has me. I feel so bitter, something I never ever wanted, something that actually by not wanting to be, kept me under his nasty spell some more. But I am bitter and I do want to see him hurt. I want to hear him cry, cry out that deafening heart breaking cry that he inflicted on me so many times. Yet could just walk out and go and sleep easily next to some other girl. Doing that to a pregnant woman or one with a newborn is deranged and I will not EVER EVER forget.

However going in to self pity is just what he does. Poor him, dealt drugs because his dad wasn’t around type of person. God the crap he would come out with. I won’t do that, I will turn my bad experience with the lowlife scum into something very very fucking positive.

Watch me look the best I have ever done in 2018, watch me be successful in my job, watch me publish a book, watch me do great at uni and watch me meet a man who treats me better than he ever fucking could.

I won’t forget that when I found out about his 4th and final affair he said ‘she’s just a distraction, she means nothing, I know you, you’ll meet someone and do it properly’ sounding desperate and scared at the thought! YES I FUCKING WILL. No doubt it’ll just send you further into your own pity party and as a defence mechanism be crying out ‘she never loved me anyway.’ Well unfortunately for you. I did, I fucking did!!

Posted in Abuse, relationships, alone, baby, Birth story, Challenge, DomesticAbuse, Heart, Heartbreak, Mistakes, mother, Parenting, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum

They do more harm than good…

Posted on by KerryLouise

… in some situations.

Like I don’t want to knock the whole service as I completely understand how over stretched and over worked they are but in my case and for my family they have done absolutely nothing. They have been completely no benefit at all.

Social Services!

The scary thing is I spoke up, I was honest, I admitted how unhappy I was. Showed them bruises and was very open to the fact he came and went as he pleased. Yet I still was drowning and being ignored. As much as he and his family (now say) think that his actions were acceptable it completely is not. What kind of stability is that for a child. When he let me down, he let them down too. When he disappeared and was uncontactable, he did that to them too. What kind of man does that let alone a father! One that genuinely believes it is ok and has been taught that it is ok that’s who. Looking back at the 100’s, yes 100’s of times he either came late, or not at all, he literally angers me so much. Who taught him basic human respect because he certainly does not have any. He wasn’t just late, he tormented me with it too. So so cruel, would either sweet talk me and say he would make it up to me (still waiting), shout and scream at me for even daring to question his wear abouts, would simply tell me ‘something came up and to stop over-reacting’, threaten that if I carried on he wouldn’t come home at all. He loved me crying and begging him, loved it! If he promised to come round (more recently) and I said ‘not tonight’ simply because I was not up for his lateness games he screamed some more. Accused me of having someone else, told me that this is why he didn’t treat me good and he isn’t going to bother even trying. Sometimes he would tell me he was on his way and not come at all. If you don’t think that that is emotional abuse then there is something deeply wrong with you too! It’s disgusting, someone so desperate as a new mum like I was and he thought it ok to treat me like that. He’s an animal. I feel angry today. I want to scream at him, scream at his mother too and put that dumb letter writing bitch in her place. All these thoughts still going on in my head, how do I get past it? When do I get closure?

I’m waiting for my social worker. I haven’t seen her in a month. She needs to follow protocols and procedures which when my children are on plan purely because of witnessing his behaviour then what are ad-hoc visits going to achieve? As I said I even utilised my visits by telling her what was going on and STILL nothing moved forward. There has never been any concerns of the welfare of my children other than when it came to him. They can’t see their mummy with bruises on her face, or upset and anxious, or experiencing him not coming when he says he would (this is all in the report). They need peace and love and support. Him dealing drugs and answering drug calls in front of them or telling me stories of him getting beat up. Who will they come after next? Exactly why his mother sent him to Northampton. It’s dangerous for drug dealers and the loved ones too. He didn’t care though, he just thought he was putting in the work ready for a future (whilst shagging about in the process). I literally never thought I could have so much hate for him and I do. But with hate comes love (he used to say that) and it’s true. I loved him SO much. He made me so weak, I would have done anything for him. All I wanted was a good honest future for him. I knew he had a good heart and I repeatedly let him disrespect me in the hope we could be a family. Be in love! Fucking prick, shoved it back in my face all the time. Made me feel worthless, and for that I hate him!

I don’t dislike my social worker I just think she’s pointless. I also find it slightly difficult as right now she is my only connection with my ex. Technically it’s a breach as it is indirect contact. I am itching to know though. He is living in London, that was confirmed. Obviously him and his new ‘partner’ are going strong then! Highlights completely how much I fucking did for him here, without my home he has nothing here. Shame he didn’t ever appreciate it. He asked for contact with his daughter, he has asked to pass on presents. Presents I am ok with, the contact makes me feel nervous. It would be so easy to bump into him, I’ll listen to his sorrys. To me he’ll say what I want to hear and act like he admits the ill treatment. I asked the social worker ‘is he even sorry, or just sorry for himself.’ She confirmed just sorry for himself, still adamant I am making it out to be lot worse than it was.

ADMIT IT YOU ASSHOLE. ADMIT IT!!! No one gets to decide how he made me feel only me!

 

Posted in Abuse, relationships, alone, cheat, court, Deceit, DomesticAbuse, Girltalk, Heartbreak, Women

Escaping from Pathological Liars…

Posted on by KerryLouise

Join my group I mean it this time!

The most damaging of all the abuse is the lies. Every one tells small white lies but a pathological liar will tell a lie even when the truth isn’t something that would get him into trouble.

A pathological liar would say they had been to Costa for a coffee but in fact had a milkshake from McDonald’s. They will lie about anything they can get away with. I still remember my mind early on thinking ‘that doesn’t add up’ and ‘that doesn’t make sense’ but the lie was so small it didn’t seem to matter. Now I know this is a major red flag!

Last month on his birthday for instance he had our daughter and he said he was on the way to me and I should wait for him at home. 10 minutes he would be , 30 minutes went by and he said he was in the car. ‘You don’t sound like you’re in a car’ I say, a pathological liar will then react in an abusive way once he has been found out. The conversation gets heated, where he’s protecting his lie and finally he says ‘no you’re right I had to pull over because she had an explosion in her nappy.’ I ended up going to him and picking up my daughter to realise later there is no way her nappy had just been changed. A bizarre lie, unnecessary, he was where he said he was, just not in a car. It made no odds to me as I wanted to go to the supermarket anyway just unnecessary arguments because of the lies. Just why lie??? The truth was ok!

He lies to everyone, I see it constantly. Usually about where he is at any given time when he’s meant to be somewhere else. August for his sisters birthday was a particularly bad weekend. The best lie to his own mother ‘yes mum I’m just at MK station.’ The boy wasn’t even dressed! He was so set on trying to convince me that ‘he loved me’ and ‘he was going to put everything right’ he was in absolutely no rush at all to go see his family. Not caring about the fact he was already almost 24 hours late.

I can honestly say I have found the lying the most damaging. The bruises heal, the names he calls me are wiped away when he’s on his ‘nice’ side and I actually think how laughable some of it is. But the lies are damaging, destructive, evil and hard to explain. They make you feel like you are going mad! MAD! They believe their own lies they just must do. They will grab you and look deep into your soul, enough so you question everything you know. You question your own integrity, even question your own sanity. It’s so fucking powerful you have no choice.

Mainly the most destructive lies are that around his infidelity. Narcissists have a habit of promising you the world, they live in their own fantasy and often may well believe what they are saying. Even after you discover the truth they lie some more going between each woman manipulating both, making them believe they are the ‘chosen one.’ Like some sick love triangle that feeds into his ego and hurts and destroys in the process.

Since June of this year (just 6 weeks after we got back together) I have been telling him I do not want to be with him. The abusive behaviour was returning, he was drug dealing constantly, no plans to get a job (no real ones just lies) and his behaviours were reminding me of all the deceit I endured previously! I deserved better and I know longer was desperate for our family.

I needed out.

An abuser can’t bear that fact and begins his lies ‘all this is for you’, ‘I went to the job centre this week’, ‘it’s going to end next week when I have someone to cover me’, ‘I’m making enough money to set us up’, and ‘I can treat you like the Queen you deserve.’ They live in a fantasy world!! I do not KNOW the amount of times he’s had his car theory test booked, or how many times he’s seen probation and they have Work lined up. His favourite is ‘I’ll have some money for you next week.’ He hasn’t of course, they are all lies! All a control tactic so you will keep the communication up, knowing I would ring him asking for that money he promised.

Rather than just accepting I wanted to be on my own and not be with him he explains he will give me space. He carries on asking ‘how’s my beautiful wife’ , ‘I can’t lose you’ and ‘I’m going to prove it to you.’ ‘No way is this it’ he screams. I feel trapped, I still have someone who I am in love with (addicted to) promising me all this and it’s all part of his abusive cycle. Like a vodka bottle screaming drink me and it’s impossible to get out of.

“I know I don’t have a future with him, I don’t know how to get out of it and at that point all I know is I WILL.”

He rarely came by to see baby and it’s all about me, and that is where I am weak. There shouldn’t be no half way relationship (this is how it came to blows before) I made my decision and I should have stuck with it. Going along with it just seemed the easier option. Screams of ‘You are my woman’ or ‘you can meet someone else now you slag’, the first was less tiring. It was easier to just accept it, not make any issues. If I acted cold or said ‘we are not together’, he would get angry, violent, nasty and actually quite scary.

Cutting contact completely seemed too extreme and his manipulation made me fear the repercussions of that. He’s clever really. Not now though he really has pushed me too far. My daughter is NOT being exposed to his lies.

Hearing how he was going to show me what I mean to him repeatedly caused more pain when he just didn’t. Broken promises hurt. Everyone wants to hear the things he was saying and to then just deceive me is so painful. One particular evening when he was telling me all day he was coming to see me and how he he couldn’t wait. He was so excited apparently and I was not given a choice but to allow him this time. I ended up packing up all his stuff and it was in the bathroom for weeks. Middle of August it was, we had standard conversations throughout the day where he would keep saying ‘I’m going to be an hour’ .. 11am eventually turned into ‘I will be 20 minutes baby’ at 6pm and he just never showed. What kind of vile psychotic animal does that? All night I was ringing his phone and the reminders of HOW many times he put me through this previously. It’s sick, twisted, disrespectful, damaging and totally unforgivable.

He was with someone else. It was obvious and I am not stupid!! Of course he denied it and even though now I 100% know different he still will never admit! We’ve been here before! I was abused for ever suggesting it. I was the one saying sorry. After this occasion he even got our social worker in on his lies, she past on his messages ‘he will do what it takes to be a family.’ Always making promises he had no intention to keep.

He had his chance to leave me alone. He had his chances to just be a father without coming by feeling entitled to my body. Now he has ruined that.

How does someone get over all the lying? It is scary how well he lies. For weeks I’ve been saying how fucking obvious it has been, it’s him all over, he doesn’t have a home, when I’m pushing him away he needs another supply. He managed to get away with it for so long because I barely ring him. He’s come by stinking when he needs a shower. Like honestly. He’s not showering 4-5 days and shows up absolutely stinking. The empath in me lets him in ‘ I need you’, ‘I’ve been hurt’ alongside some fabricated story about a fight he’s had, ‘all I’ve been thinking about is you.’ Of course at 1 o’clock in the morning I can hardly say no, this particular time was early September, the next morning I got a punch in my leg for not ‘caring enough’. See how quick these cycles were. Crazy!

More recently I’ve got more angry with him, when he wasn’t around my mind would be going over and over. Second guessing EVERYTHING he’s ever said, remembering the times he lied before and when the truth was revealed he didn’t even seem bothered. A normal person feels embarrassed when lies are revealed, not a person like him. He believes it his right to lie, there’s a reason and it isn’t that bad anyway. He then expects trust like it’s a given right!

At these times he tells me I’m abusive to him. I probably am. Telling him I hate him daily, how disgusting he is, cheating and lying constantly. He would flip back and say worse but then quickly be so desperate for us to not argue. He definitely could realise he was losing control, so would switch on the charm (lovebombing.)

“Baby I’ve treated you so bad, I understand why you feel like this” and “I’m going to help you” and “you are my fucking world. I can’t even look at another woman.” He was so set on making out that it’s just my insecurities this time because of his previous track record I actually believe him. I believe that ‘he didn’t know what he had to lose last time.’ I believe when he’s around because he’s a a clever good liar. When I’m not wrapped up with his lies and charms my gut knows.. underneath I’m not as stupid as I’ve appeared to be for nearly 2 years. I’m not!

A pathological liar will not change, they only get found out by someone close to them. Psychologists have often said that it is in fact a mental disorder which begins from someone with such low self esteem they are hell bent on bringing others down and making themselves seem more attractive to everyone around them. When he can talk about a job lined up or his driving test booked or another favourite of his ‘I’ve bought you (or baby) something.’ Interesting when said thing never showed, it is then another lie as to why. It’s a complicated spiral web of manipulation and it’s fucking difficult to escape.

To everyone and anyone who will listen I am the liar, and oh they will believe him. They have no reason to not when he’s this much of a liar, it’s the way he gets through life.

He may be a good liar …. but he will be found out!

Posted in Abuse, relationships, alone, baby, cheat, Company, Deceit, DomesticAbuse, Journey, single mum

Focus on the Freedom!

Posted on by KerryLouise

This time it’s going to happen!

I have changed my number. I have the police coming round this evening and an injunction is in the process of being served.

This is done!

The past 5-6 weeks have been very much like my last post. My head has been done for a very long time but my heart takes over … I feel sorry for him?! I see the bond he has with our baby! The times he is nice is like a rush of euphoria that I crave! Abuse is a drug! Times he would arrange to come see baby but then come by when she was asleep, if we spoke before hand I would tell him not to bother (he never likes that) but a handful of times he slipped the net. My loneliness ruled my head in that one!

We are back on the same cycle of multiple woman that he tries to deny, accusing me of going mad! Swearing on his mother’s life that he is not about to risk losing me again, he needs me, I’m his world blah blah! Stroking my face as I sleep, kissing me and saying those meaningless words ‘I love you so much’ !!

It’s all been too much ‘red flag’ … This is EXACTLY what he said last time ! I’ve had a rough time trying to get him to just leave me alone. He will say everything he can but I’m not stupid. Controlling everything calling me his wife, seeing our baby but making me his priority. There were many times he disappeared for 4 days and come back stinking like a homeless person, he needed a girls house to shower. That’s inevitable, so when the stinking stopped I knew!! His vindictiveness made me evil, I would scream at him how he’s dumb if he thinks this is a relationship, tell him how much of a tramp he was being, carrying knives again, dealing drugs texting me rarely only when it suited him. Again it was promises of spending more time and making everything amazing! I do not want his promises I just want to be my own person again!

He just would not accept… WE WERE OVER!

The unpleasantries would exchange then a few hours later it was like he had forgotten and he carried on calling me his beautiful wife ! Trapped!!

He’s been arrested twice in the past month, the first time was a high profile case in Northampton. I thought his time was done but nope the police have still failed to catch him doing the very thing that has destroyed him. He is so fixed on being a gangster, carrying a knife, dealing drugs, violence all what he calls ‘work’. He has really lost sight of what is important.

Then when I catch him red handed with some poor unfortunate girl! ‘You drove me too it’, ‘telling me we’re not together’ ‘telling me you hate me’ and let’s not forget his favourite ‘I would have given you everything had you not cheated on me when I was in jail.’ Again EXACTLY like last time .. sorry last 2 times!! Let’s not forget the ‘why are you embarrassing yourself , we haven’t had sex for months , this is my new girlfriend’ bullshit he screams at me whilst the poor girl is in the room with him!

The difference this time, I didn’t expect any different. I didn’t want a future with him, I lay next to him and think how much I despise him. Flashbacks of historical situations where he treated me so bad, there is no way I could forget .. maybe forgive but never forget! Furthermore , I do not want a drug dealer as a boyfriend. I don’t want someone who talks AT me , when something bad as happened with his road life I would bare the brunt ‘I don’t want to fucking talk right now I’m in a mood’.

On the 14th September he woke me up by throwing stones, again I was weak! Looking down at him he looked harmless, he pleaded for me to help him, how he had been beaten up and all he wanted was me. I let him in but forced him in the shower. He stank! The morning came, I was off out early and he slowed up this process. I wasn’t feeling great and he expected the upmost gratitude for being there to ‘help me’. I was ungrateful and a Dickhead apparently. He complained that I didn’t care he had been attacked …. why would I ? It’s like he suddenly expected me to want him … telling him I didn’t only caused more abuse. I got a punch in the leg that morning and I remember covering my face fearing a mark. He took my glasses off ready! I tried to leave but he pulled me back and stole my keys off me. I didn’t fight it. I should have called the police then.

16th September and our babies first birthday. I think most recently I’ve been more emotional thinking about this time last year. The pain he caused and the happiness he stole from me! I had not seen him since the evening of the 14th where he begged me to be able to come back and stay…. I said no and didn’t react to his pleas or strops! When he showed up at her party I wanted him gone .. he took me out the back… poked me in my stomach. Told me he didn’t give a shit what my family thought and I was playing the victim. The ONLY way I knew how to calm him down was cuddle, kiss and say ‘were together’, he then played a big charade. I was again being controlled, if I didn’t kiss him he would kick off. I had to ride it out! For the sake of our baby. Then the thought of spending her birthday evening alone made me weak again , he then didn’t leave my side and did not leave my flat until the following Tuesday morning. Saturday night and Sunday was nice I can’t lie. I explained that Sunday’s like that was all I wanted. Not his drug dealing and leaving me all alone!! The 36 hour fairytale didn’t last obviously and on Monday morning he assaulted me bad, again he wanted to keep my keys. He had no phone, and I wanted so bad to keep my control with my own property keys!! I lost that control and also received an excruciating pain in my left rib! Never has he ever hit me that hard!! Why didn’t I go to the police then ?

Monday night he was a saint! He watched Ariana in the evening and ‘took care of’ me whilst I struggled to do the basics due to my injury. He left me Tuesday morning and I was so glad to see the back of him!

I didn’t care he had no phone! I didn’t care he didn’t contact me. This just gave me more ammunition to cut him OUT! Thursday he called, I hung up! He messaged on his friends snapchat with his new number I deleted it! Friday I missed a call and again Saturday ! I was doing well! Sunday came and I seeked out his new number, like a addict seeking money for their next fix!

I heard his voice. I heard his pleas and his words of ‘you are so beautiful Kerry like really beautiful, no one in Northampton compares to you. You are special.’ There was my fix, he wanted to come see me..I had the control. I declined, I actually didn’t want to see him just wanted to hear that!

Monday I had texts to the same effect and then on Tuesday when he found out I was going to Ibiza he was VILE. I knew he was hurting, I knew he was jealous. His mum heard everything he was saying on speakerphone and she even spoke to him where he was like a lost little damaged hurt boy. He’d lost control over my actions and that PAINS him! Despite him screaming he would never touch me again after my trip he ended up in my bed the night I got back and then again the following night which was his birthday. Fuck sake I had given in again! I had to get some distance again !!!

All week he had made plans with himself to come over. Let’s have a nice evening he would say .. I politely declined and then I was abused ! Vile nasty words that are unexplainable. The effect they have on me are more damaging than any punch or slap! By Wednesday he turned up at my door and the company was all I wanted .. not him. I was then too tired for the abuse and we had a nice evening. He then got it in his head he was moving back in.. we would do more together and it would all be ok. Asked me when I would next see him. Saturday.. ffs !! All day Saturday I spent telling him to not come, I hated him, I didn’t trust him. We were over… then when he turned nasty I gave in again!

That’s when I went through his phone. Him laying next to me reminded me of the last time it kicked off hard.. the time I went to the police and had multiple injuries which subsequently saw him serve 28 days in jail. My gut was screaming he’s slept with someone else and my gut is ALWAYS right! He held me tight! So tight I couldn’t breathe! Screaming I was mad! Screaming that I was his everything. I didn’t believe him I knew! I didn’t care , I just wanted him to admit it and stop torturing me! Why keep lying? Why try so hard to keep me!?

I cried a lot that night and morning, my phone was hidden in case something came up that he disliked and I longed for the moment he left! Initially I declined sex and the stuff that came out of his mouth was insane. I was so tired I didn’t react, almost numb to it now. He let me sleep and watched Ariana and then he tried again. I didn’t want to but I did not want a repeat of earlier! Equally when we’re together and doing that.. I feel so in love. We connect so stupidly well and that drug has peaked again. As soon as it’s over my bitterness and hatred is back!

When he finally left he carried on texting , ringing ..promising me the world! I had to find away to get away! I just have too!

Luckily it came when my friend saw him with another girl the following day! This was my get away!! ‘Hi baby’ he answered the phone all cheery. He has some front! He tried to deny it! Course he did! I was smart and I took the suspect number from his phone and found out for myself. Away from her he was sad ‘I don’t know what’s wrong with me’ ‘she doesn’t compare to you’ which would soon turn into a slanging match where he was adamant I was to blame! I pushed him away!

Case closed.

All the last few months have proven are .. we cannot be amicable for our baby. His interest isn’t her, it’s me. He is dead set on making me his again and I cannot be anywhere near him. He can’t handle my standoffish ‘mind games’ he calls them and his need for a place to stay takes over. It’s not hard prick stop mentally torturing me!

This morning was hard, the screams of him saying I was embarrassing myself in front of his new woman! Swearing blind he never had sex with me Sunday! Laughing at me saying we haven’t had sex for months! This is mental abuse! I was in bits!! I need closure and I need to make him pay!

Once I’ve given the police his number I will delete it. It’s too tempting! Like an alcoholic with a bottle of vodka. I called him this evening on withheld! He never answers withheld, so he obviously knew it was me!! Said he was wrong for this morning, wanted to see me, come and see me! I told him straight come anywhere near me and I’m calling 999! I heard what I needed, he isn’t ok! I know he won’t be ok. But this time I do not care!

I plan to write a statement that sums up the past almost 2 years. These statements can be used in court. Section 76 of the serious crimes act 2015 created a new offence of a controlling or coercive behaviour in an intimate relationship. He needs to be held accountable. I will make sure of it!

These past 2 days have done wonders for my diet 😉

Posted in alone, baby, Beauty, book, Company, Deceit, DomesticAbuse, Heartbreak, single mum, Singlemum, Strength

4 months on!

Posted on by KerryLouise

So it has been 4 months since my last post. I had almost forgot about my blog, maybe I tried to forget everything that was in it. In denial… telling myself ‘that didn’t happen’ kind of situation.

But I am now truly in a place where I want to reach out to other women who may have battled with domestic abuse like me or maybe others who are currently going through it. I know I still am.

My last post wasn’t a lie, it was great. We got on so well and everything finally felt like it was all ‘worth it’… but it didn’t last long. We went away on holiday in May and if I am really honest with myself I noticed that devil in him a few times whilst we were away.

My baby girl is nearly 1 and she truly is amazing. She does have a really good bond with her dad but that is slowly diminishing since she is in nursery full time now and I know longer rely on him for childcare whilst I am at work. Well I couldn’t rely on him.

I started my new job in June and he was adamant he wanted to have her whilst I worked. It caused far more stress than it was worth and now she is in nursery full time.

Let’s get this straight I do not love him, he no longer makes me feel special, I spend most of my time despising him yet I just cannot seem to shake off the fact he still gets under my skin so much.

Take the past 12 hours for example, promised he would come by and ‘spend some time with us’… this is all his doing since I tell him countless times I do not want a relationship like this. I live life as a single mum yet have the stresses of a unsupportive man in a nasty relationship. I had a hint of hope of being able to go to boot camp, and then spin this morning plus who turns down company right? It got to 6pm and I started convincing myself I didn’t want to go to boot camp, much to his happiness. He was all ‘oh thank god baby. I didn’t want to let you down but I’ve got to stay in the spot as my mate has gone to London, but I will come by straight after.’ 10pm came… what a surprise… no where to be seen, he then does this thing where we be on the phone he’ll say ring me back in 5 minutes and doesn’t answer until 40 minutes later. Those 35 minutes I am a woman possessed with constant ringing and abusive text messages. It’s torture and exhausting. We spoke again at 00:45am where he 100% promised to be at mine at 6am to watch my girls whilst I went to a spin class. ‘100%, I got you, I adore you, this is all for our family’ … he needs some new lines he really does.

Did he show?? Did he fuck!!

He’s completely incapable of accepting his faults. ‘I didn’t do it on purpose’… ‘my line of work means I go days without sleep and if my body decides to shut down I can’t help it’… Like I have never heard such a crock of shit in my life… well I have but only ever from him. He then has a habit of turning it all back round on me. Projection!! Accuses me of everything he is fucking guilty of….

I will talk of Projection in my next blog. Right now I am at work and must get on 🙂

Posted in alone, baby, cheat, Deceit, DomesticAbuse, Fitness, Heartbreak, law, Lonely, Mistakes, pregnancy, prison, prisonwives, relationship, relationships, Singlemum

My ‘love’ back behind bars !

Posted on by KerryLouise

Took the police 5 weeks to catch up with him. 5 weeks!! I warned him he needed to do it before we had our social services meeting, despite his promises he just didn’t. Scared he was going to jail he told me. I did not think it would come to that! Just did not. 

I got myself caught back up in his cycle once again. A week before his arrest on 13th March he was promising money daily and it was so exhausting but I kept relying on it so bad so I had to go with it! ‘Let me see you both before I hand myself in please’ and ‘I need to give you your money’ , all just excuses to see me. Then once I saw him… I am weak. The Thursday morning I had had enough, promised money first thing.. countless missed calls and even one he cancelled (although he denies) and I thought enough is enough. Money my arse he won’t give me any! I sent long messages to his mother and father. I can’t lie the anxiety in my head and the visions of him ignoring me in my head was mainly what drove me too it. Reminder of before and well we know why he ignored me before!! Rather be with some dumb girl then admit to me that he doesn’t have any money. I blocked him.. fuck him! He called in the afternoon from withheld and I cancelled it 3 times. Proud! 

Friday morning he did the same but this time I listened, the sob story of how he couldn’t sleep and how he had the money etc. The usual battle of a phone call where some how he twists it to me being the one at fault. I calmed down and the afternoon I called him back in the hope I would get some money out of him. I was skint! Straight away he came to me and we went to the supermarket. A conversation before hand made me melt. The trip to the supermarket made me feel on a high, something so minor that most take for granted felt so good. Better than a drug. We looked like a normal family, happy and in love. The way he touches me, smiles and acts around our daughter. It’s all too much. The sex after this is euphoric but once again reality hits me slap in my face when he goes because he’s still wanted. Wanted for his assault on me, the pair of us are crazy! He equally should stay away from me, I could frame him for murder and he still wouldn’t stay away! 

He leaves ‘I love you,  call me later’, I don’t! I just can’t put myself through even the thought of him not answering my phone call on a Friday night. He was still blocked too. We speak on Saturday, 3 times I call him throughout the day and he answers each time. He doesn’t even KNOW how much better that makes me feel! Sunday morning he turns up at mine after his night out.. coming in at that time used to absolutely put me beside my self. Then when he stopped coming full stop I longed for those days, pathetic and not a relationship. 

Sunday morning was the last I saw of him. Again the 3 of us just chilling, then slept was ALL I wanted. All I ever wanted. Being at mine makes me anxious and so I left him to sleep and went out for the day whilst he slept his night out off. Monday morning came and I admit I knew he was coming after school run but I had a meeting at the school. I had told him but I knew he would have forgot. Finished my meeting and of course he’s pissed off. Strop city!! I kind of wish we hadn’t of left it like that but equally he needs to understand how it feels when people are not where they said they were going to be. The conversations on the phone then were completely toxic and I left him too it. See you at the meeting I screamed! 

Well I didn’t see him. He turned up late, wasn’t allowed in and I was informed he was being arrested and being recalled to prison.

My heart fucking sank. I cried. He needs to hear this I cry, what’s the point in holding this when the other parent is not even allowed to be present. The police officer in the room paints an awful picture of him based on intelligence. He looks like a real threat to his daughter, threat to me. It just all looks so terrible. Domestic abuse! Domestic violence! Drug dealing! Carrying weapons. Hearing it all, it hits home!! I still feel like my heart has been pulled out. Prison again!

That evening brings back loads of memories. He had called his mother earlier on and asked me to look in his old prison bag. I did. All my emails, cards, pictures! FFS we were so in love! What the hell happened???!!! How did we get to this! Emails I had sent where he had underlined words and sentences. Prison is a fucked up place, and it fucked him up and I did hurt him! I felt like this was what I wanted but it still didn’t feel good.

The next morning I spoke with the police officer. She was lovely and told me he was recalled only due to the fact he took so long for arrest. Not good character when on licence. I’m still yet to know how long he has but with no new offences the longest it will be is 6 weeks. This day I felt good, I felt fucking free!! I knew where he was, he couldn’t smoke, drink, shag whatever dirt box to void his feelings now. Just him , his own thoughts, memories and countless men! Perfect! 

Wednesday 15th and the last time I heard his voice. I was shocked to hear him, he sounded fine. Loving even. No blame on me at all. He’s using his charm, tells me how already he’s thinking of me moving on, can’t bare it. Asks me to be good for him and tells me if this time I am I’ll see a changed man. He gets 22 minutes call time and I do reciprocate his ‘I love you’ and ‘I miss you’ at the end of the call. I’d already sent a harsh straight to the point email by this point which he would of had the pleasure of being delivered the next day. Good! Harsh, real facts on how he has treated the woman who was there for him. Like really there for him! He needs to know! He did joke on the phone about how I must be loving this! Yes I do. I felt like I had been released from prison. Roles reversed. 

I believe he tried to call me on Tuesday, he didn’t get through so called his sister and passed on some shitty message! He got another email from me, look how he reacts after I miss one call. Yet he can ignore his phone ALL day and it’s perfectly fine and I’m made to feel like a dick for caring! He could have said hope you are all ok but no. This is him ALL over .. defensive negativeness and thinks I’m just ‘airing’ him. He’s so transparent to me now, he’s hurt because he didn’t get to speak to me! Hurt, so he attacks. 

I’ve spoke with my new social worker. I like her. She’s going to visit him inside. The whole report is very bias, paints an awful picture of him and I hold my hands up to all professionals that I have been violent. I often provoke situations and push him. I need help with my anger and I need help dealing with the events from the past year. He needs help dealing with stuff I have also put him through but I will never lose sight of how manipulative and how much he has mentally abused me when I was pregnant and then when I had a newborn. 

When he first came out of jail I was the most amazing woman on this planet apparently. He wanted to marry me. Confusing him when I was honest about my infidelity the weekend before he came home just blew up massively in my face. He blamed EVERYTHING on that. The reason he was risking his freedom was all my fault. If he had just held a job down, kept away from his wasteman friends and stepped away from that road trap life we would NOT be here today! 

The whole year has ALL been because I did not tolerate his choices. His illegal activities that of cause he gaslighted me and made out it wasn’t happening. He thinks I was born yesterday, driving him around to ‘pick stuff up from his bredrin’, finding cash on him. The begging, the pleading, the promises he made that it wasn’t on a big scale. He wasn’t touching anything apparently. I was always always so petrified he’d end up back in jail. My uncooperation which led to constant rows sent him to be the cheating animal he became! Of course he’d pick a 19 year old not bothered about his lifestyle over me giving him constant headache! Of course!! 

It’s now, now or never. This short time inside could be the blessing he needed to be a proper father and have a decent relationship with his beautiful little baby girl. That life he is in deep in ain’t worth the life he’s currently living. Friday night and banged up in a cell since 4pm. If this doesn’t show him his daughter is worth more, then NOTHING WILL! 

Posted in alone, DomesticAbuse, Heartbreak, relationship, Singlemum, Weight

Feeling strong ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

I got through the whole of yesterday without calling him, without unblocking him and it was hard but I feel so good from it this morning. I tried to call the social worker but I doubt very much he has bothered. In that case he won’t see his baby and I mean that. My children are too precious. 

I’m completely using all this energy to educate myself on what abuse is. He is an abusive man, he isn’t lost, he didn’t just have a bad life and prison and smoking cannabis does not make someone as abusive as he is. Equally what ever I have done or do in arguments does not provoke him to turn into that evil vile cretin I see so often. 

Even putting the words and violence aside his actions are emotional psychologically abusive! Disappearing for hours on end which gradually became longer and longer. He wouldn’t just show at 5/6am it then became 7/8am then slowly 2pm then sometimes days! August bank holiday I didn’t hear from him in 48 fucking hours, our baby was due 16th September !!! Complete asshole. The book goes on about how the abuser drifts you so far away from what is normal and what is reality that you put up with it more and more but the fact is … It isn’t normal. It’s disrespectful, destructive and absolutely soul destroying. There were times I worried he had been hurt, been arrested or of course was with someone else. Oh but couldn’t he lie, he had me absolutely oblivious to the fact he could ever cheat on me. When baby was here and I was heavily pregnant he told me how he went 16 months without sex in jail, he isn’t a cheat, looked deeply into my eyes! The book explains ‘lying is abuse, a form of psychologically abuse which over time is highly destructive!’ He’s a liar and that is putting it mildly.

When it began to happen again over new year he is so wrapped up in his own life and lies he even had a go at me for being paranoid and I was the one saying sorry! One morning he even came in saying how sorry he was and that he felt sick when he woke because he knew what I would think and oh he just can’t lose me! *Rolls eyes* What about the times he’s text to say he’s on his way home and I’m left wide awake, anxious and completely disturbed to the fact he just ISN’T coming. If he doesn’t think anything else is abuse he will learn one day along with his mother that this is ABUSE! His mother and sister would say ‘it’s just dominic’ ‘he’s done this his whole life.’ Well he needs to grow up!! It is NOT OK! What kind of man leaves his 4 day old baby with her mother who has just had a caesarean and cannot get out of bed?! That’s right HIM and now that I know why it makes me realise what a cold hearted self centered individual he really is. 

I was soooo sick of the constant conversations, I accepted the fact he never wanted to be at home but I just wanted him contactable. Each time he was like ‘I understand’ and ‘it wouldn’t happen again’. Why the FUCKING hell FUCKING FUCKITDY FUCK did I let him get away with it!!!!???

The book talks of ‘double standards’ .. We saw that just last weekend. It was ok for him to spend the night with another woman last Friday night but me texting a man and receiving flowers from him meant I was a whore and could never be loyal.

  ‘An abusive man subtly or overtly imposes a system in which he is exempt from the rules and standards that applies to you’ 

Oh boy how true this is, not only with sex but everything. He was ok to leave me on my own with no plans but if he was bored and I had plans he made me feel guilty. ‘Always doing things you are’ ‘Leaving me on my own’ and ‘This is why I’m never here’. It was ok to wake the whole house and me up when we had to take him to work or he came back at stupid o’clock in the morning. He didn’t mind me laying awake all night with work next day but when his sleep was disturbed all hell broke lose. The most recent one was how it wasn’t right that he was looking after our child just so I could earn money to then go out with. Sorry ?! Did he not go out every single fucking weekend for the past year!! God I could go on and on but I think the picture has been drawn. 

Having a moment where I want to ring him. I must remind myself that there is no point. He’ll just be feeling sorry for himself. Hearing from me he will feel like everything is ok because I am not strong enough to tell him that it isn’t. I feel sorry for him when he cries, when he tells me he’s fucked up. Did he ever feel sorry for me when he could just go out and leave me for hours and hours ?! 

NO!! 

My fitness has suffered this week. I managed 1 run but only 33,000 steps for the week! Shocking. Back on it now! 

He will not bring me down anymore! 

Posted in alone, baby, cheat, Deceit, DomesticAbuse, Girltalk, Heart, Heartbreak, Lonely, love, relationship, relationships, sex, Singlemum

I have an addiction..

Posted on by KerryLouise

.. And I can see that now. That addiction is in the form of a man. A man who has treated me so so badly yet I cannot for the life of me seem to break the cycle. I love him. I love him too much. 

My last post showed some strength. He went to London that night and a week later he was in my bed again. Oh my GOD what a night.. We didn’t get any sleep and we had passionate amazing intimate sex all night. It wasn’t my plan, no way was it! I had gone 2 weeks not doing that with him and that was literally the longest time. To anyone who doesn’t understand how these types of relationships work 2 weeks may seem pathetic but for me it was a big step. 

Having his phone number blocked and changing my number was also a big step but the Friday after I sent him on his way he got my number from his sisters phone. We facetimed, he saw his baby and he looked sad. Sad and lost and gutted about how everything had turned out. Told me I looked beautiful and how he had missed us. There were a few disagreements throughout the day but so irrelevant now I can’t go into them. He acts that way when he doesn’t get his own way! Angry, aggressive , I was called a dirty little tramp but that’s minor to what I’ve been called in the past. We didn’t part the conversation on bad terms though and he asked me to call him the next day, I said maybe. I didn’t ! (Another big step) I woke up to texts from his sisters phone , his number was still blocked and I was strong and didn’t reply. That afternoon he called from a number I didn’t know and explained he had been calling and texting etc and that he was coming back that night. ‘OMG’ my heart dropped. I made a promise to myself I wouldn’t ring again and I wouldn’t get anxious about the time he would show but I couldn’t help it. Back to previous rows about his inability to judge time and how long it would take him to get here. I needed to calm down, this man no longer rules my life. He eventually showed, 2 hours later than he originally stated but he was there. Sweet talking, led to me feeling weak and vulnerable. Once again I found myself in his arms, staring into his eyes and having absolutely no self control. It feels so right because it is just completely so wrong and so forbidden. 

I felt OK the next day. He made comments about how he was so scared that he thought he had really lost me, I made it clear he didn’t have me back but let’s be honest he knows he’s still got me. He promised his timing, his support, his contact and everything else was going to prove to me that he wants me. He wants us and all the previous shit he has put me through was just him getting completely lost in a oblivion of drink and his problem with cannabis. 

It was good for 2 weeks, early for his time with Ariana. Spent time with me, watching films having a laugh and being with Ariana together as well as watching her whilst I got to go to the gym and pop into town. The Sunday after he even broke down to me saying how he can’t do it anymore he needs me back properly and he cannot cope without me. I cradled him like a baby, assuring him things will be ok we both just need more time. He got in touch with his feelings and explained how strong I am, how he can’t believe what he’s put me through and that he would never cope if I had left him to be with someone else. He often said please let me home, told me it would ease me. Times without him sent me angry sometimes, he would get abusive texts from me which he took on the chin and explained that he knew he had to take it. Wanted to be around me more so I wouldn’t over think about all the bad stuff. I still wasn’t ready for that. 

During this time I started to convince myself that maybe I am addicted to this drama. The chaos that this relationship brings. I don’t want boring, I can’t do boring and knowing full well I would end up with him but just didn’t want to put that label on it just yet! I had been talking to other men, nothing real not really but last Thursday night he showed his true colours once more after seeing a text message from one particular guy. When that guy then sent me flowers the next day that didn’t bode well either. 

Is he serious ? I won’t ever be loyal he screamed. “As usual I’m the one with men on my phone!” Look what he’s put me through in regards to other girls, hearing them in the background where he’s openly admitted that he’s with them. Two wrongs don’t make a right he would say…. Funny when it’s him ‘getting revenge’ then that’s ok.

Saturday was an amazing day for us both. He spoke about how when he was inside and he just longed to touch me, he took it for granted and he wasn’t going to anymore. Told me no other woman makes him feel the way I do and he loves how we can just be silly together. Best sex of his life it is, talking about how we just fit so perfect and I have to agree. In the bedroom we are so compatible. The fantasy of me and him changed when he couldn’t find his hat, he kicked off. Blaming me again, indirectly of course because that’s what abusers do. Using words to make me feel like I am to blame yet when I stand up to him he twists it to that I’m going crazy. Hat finding then developed into me rubbing it in his face regarding other men. My flowers were seen chucked across the room and my phone once again hidden. I got my phone back but he didn’t want to talk, he ignored my calls and so I gave up and went to my friends. I was upset, why act so irrational?! It’s been going so well. Familiar behaviour I’ve witnessed so many times before. He then began trying to call me, texting me …  I ignored him for a change. How dare he go on like he did earlier?! All that was meant to have stopped ! 

5:30am he called and I answered. I let him in and he explained that he just gets so jealous. He cannot bare me with anyone else and he just wants me to himself. Again the sex is incredible, he performs oral sex for the first time in months. That’s a big deal for him, and I 100% believe him that I am still the only woman he’s ever done that too. We share a shower together after I went for my run and I’m feeling once again on a high on that rollercoaster. 

That’s until I received a message on Facebook, from one of the girls I saw on his phone before. He told me she was someone he cheated on that other girl with when we broke up, but the conversation I had with her showed me he had tried to start things up again. They had indeed met back in September once again showing me the girl he went off with he definitely didn’t care about anymore than just a place to stay. This man is insane, so insecure that by not having me properly and seeing me have other men to speak to he just HAS to do the same! I’m so numb to him with others now I don’t react… Boy but he does. Takes my phone, smashes it off the floor because of the conversation with the man who sent me flowers. Acting like a man possessed. My phone completely smashed up and yet he’s still spewing venom at me. I’m being a snake, being a stalker, how I’m not being loyal anyway. Once again all my fault. My phone!!! I was so angry!! How is it ok for him to continue the way he does but I have a few texts and some flowers sent and I’m the one punished !! 

The next 24 hours are crucial. He doesn’t leave me alone. He calls the girl and tells her to delete his number, tells her he’s sorry but he wants and loves me. (He’s never done that before!) Its a continuous exhausting back and forth arguments, where he would say sorry and beg and plead. I find out he saw her the night before my birthday. I JUST KNEW IT! He is incapable of being loyal. He needs all these girls to feed his big ego. I agree with him our sex life has got better again, I’m sure it’s due to my body springing back. I am definitely more confident and of course looking and feeling better and he said how he made a mistake after the flowers but woke up with feelings of regret Saturday morning. Really? Really now?! 

Sunday night sees me unable to sleep next to him. So angry he can smash up my phone, shout abuse after everything he’s done to me and still doing just won’t leave my head. I’m telling him he’s disgusting, how he makes me sick. I want to hurt him when he turns those words back on me… How fucking dare he?! He should be taking this, not trying to undermine my loyalty. “Oh and you’re miss perfect are you?” Sends me fucking angry. I try hit him, he gets the better of me once again. I have bruises! I have a hole in my living room wall. He just cannot cannot see things from my perspective. 

I went to the police again, his violence has got worse. He hasn’t learnt shit. It’s so so scary how well he can lie. The shower we shared where he promised no other woman since we split, he hasn’t dared apparently. Fucking bullshit. Then he can say ‘well I am single’ … SO AM I!!! Yet I still have a broken phone and mashed up flowers! 

Yesterday I began regretting calling that woman with him present. If I had waited my phone wouldn’t have been smashed and I wouldn’t have got so angry by the double standards. I was provoking him through the night but I just could not cope with him being able to sleep after the day we had had. This recent bird wasn’t the problem it was his actions ! Even after the phone smashing, the arguments we still had sex. Insane!! Then he would cuddle me and I would feel sick and angry again. 

I have to not blame myself though. He made the choice to smash up my phone. He made the choice to go to her on Friday night in response to some fucking flowers. He has done so so much that it was bound to come to blows eventually. 

We’ve spoke since, he knows there is a warrant out for his arrest. He’s cried again, even before he left me he kissed all my bruises ‘that wasn’t me’ he would explain. But it is and it isn’t right. 

I’m reading a book. It’s giving me strength, I’ve been a victim of domestic abuse for 12 months and I am not afraid to admit it. I can relate so much to everything in the book and although I love him I know I cannot deal with it for any longer. I will send myself mental. A friend told me of a statistic that shows a high proportion of women in asylum are actually there due to emotional and psychological from abusive partners. I can see that!

Due to the police involvement the school have been working closely with me. Today we had a meeting which was scheduled even before the recent episode. At times I felt criticised by the 6 professionals sat around me but they all assured me that I am an amazing mum and I left the meeting feeling good.

The social worker has recommended no direct contact with him. They can all see how much I love him too and how it’s likely I will go back to him but right now it isn’t healthy for me or my children. They are right. They explained that they have seen men in the school that have changed after professional intervention but I know full well I shouldn’t get my hopes up. I need to have some little hope though to get myself through this. 

Right now I’m concentrating on educating myself about abusive men, reminding myself of what I have been through and knowing that with or without him I will eventually be happy. I have my beautiful children, I have the rest of my life. I will use this experience in some way to turn it into a positive. I want to write my book and focus on my career. Experiences are what moulds us! 

I wish I didn’t love him so much!