Category: Beauty

Posted in baby, Beauty, book, DomesticAbuse, life, Lonely, Mistakes, Parenting, Singlemum, Strength, Women

Too much wasted time

Posted on by KerryLouise

Self development is so important and I realise that more and more everyday. No matter the industry you work in you should always do a bit of personal development. A networking meeting I went to this morning spoke of this and also a few other areas that I really want to apply in my life more.

I already write to do lists but I should do it for my personal tasks too. I have had no iphone since Tuesday yet I still haven’t managed to do the things I really need to get a move on in doing. Luckily I have fixed my laptop so writing my essays won’t be a problem in that sense, but I need to bloody write them. It’s mad how having no phone panicked me when it shut down, but it has been quite nice too. I was mostly concerned about M, he would try and call and wonder where I was. Tonight, being Thursday I swapped my sim to my work phone and he called. He was concerned bless him, but I also had a text message from the police.

I feel sick. It is so mad to think about how much determination I have in making my abuser pay for what he has done, but even then that slight connection I had with him again tonight has chipped away a bit at my strength. I feel sad he is missing out on our beautiful happy bright baby girl but at the same time where the fuck was he when I wanted him there. Often he chose another girls bed over being with us or I don’t know what is worse a trap yard. The times I NEEDED him, when I was recovering from a c-section, or the times I had mastitis and was so poorly but still made sure our baby was fed. A baby could have been the making of him, getting released from jail could have been. I HATE that I want to know what happened between him and the letter writer. Maybe she saw sense? Maybe he showed his true colours quickly? He was never bothered about her, just a new game for him to get at me some more! SICK AND CRUEL!

When I feel like I am doing the wrong thing I must remind my self of everything, the sleepless nights, the feeling that me and this innocent beautiful baby wasn’t enough, the times I begged and cried for him to be a father. What about the times he made me look stupid crazy and pathetic in front of whatever new fling he had. WHAT FUCKING ARSEHOLE! The way that made me feel, the man I had devoted so much of my life too could treat me like that. He deserves nothing. Like nothing.

I wasted enough time with him, I waste too much time thinking about him and I waste far too much time doing things that have absolutely no benefit to me at all.

Focus! Focus! Focus! I wish I didn’t care. I need to do me!

Posted in alone, baby, Beauty, book, Company, Deceit, DomesticAbuse, Heartbreak, single mum, Singlemum, Strength

4 months on!

Posted on by KerryLouise

So it has been 4 months since my last post. I had almost forgot about my blog, maybe I tried to forget everything that was in it. In denial… telling myself ‘that didn’t happen’ kind of situation.

But I am now truly in a place where I want to reach out to other women who may have battled with domestic abuse like me or maybe others who are currently going through it. I know I still am.

My last post wasn’t a lie, it was great. We got on so well and everything finally felt like it was all ‘worth it’… but it didn’t last long. We went away on holiday in May and if I am really honest with myself I noticed that devil in him a few times whilst we were away.

My baby girl is nearly 1 and she truly is amazing. She does have a really good bond with her dad but that is slowly diminishing since she is in nursery full time now and I know longer rely on him for childcare whilst I am at work. Well I couldn’t rely on him.

I started my new job in June and he was adamant he wanted to have her whilst I worked. It caused far more stress than it was worth and now she is in nursery full time.

Let’s get this straight I do not love him, he no longer makes me feel special, I spend most of my time despising him yet I just cannot seem to shake off the fact he still gets under my skin so much.

Take the past 12 hours for example, promised he would come by and ‘spend some time with us’… this is all his doing since I tell him countless times I do not want a relationship like this. I live life as a single mum yet have the stresses of a unsupportive man in a nasty relationship. I had a hint of hope of being able to go to boot camp, and then spin this morning plus who turns down company right? It got to 6pm and I started convincing myself I didn’t want to go to boot camp, much to his happiness. He was all ‘oh thank god baby. I didn’t want to let you down but I’ve got to stay in the spot as my mate has gone to London, but I will come by straight after.’ 10pm came… what a surprise… no where to be seen, he then does this thing where we be on the phone he’ll say ring me back in 5 minutes and doesn’t answer until 40 minutes later. Those 35 minutes I am a woman possessed with constant ringing and abusive text messages. It’s torture and exhausting. We spoke again at 00:45am where he 100% promised to be at mine at 6am to watch my girls whilst I went to a spin class. ‘100%, I got you, I adore you, this is all for our family’ … he needs some new lines he really does.

Did he show?? Did he fuck!!

He’s completely incapable of accepting his faults. ‘I didn’t do it on purpose’… ‘my line of work means I go days without sleep and if my body decides to shut down I can’t help it’… Like I have never heard such a crock of shit in my life… well I have but only ever from him. He then has a habit of turning it all back round on me. Projection!! Accuses me of everything he is fucking guilty of….

I will talk of Projection in my next blog. Right now I am at work and must get on 🙂

Posted in alone, Beauty, cheat, Detox, Diet, exercise, Fitness, Heartbreak, love, pregnant, relationship, relationships, sex, Uncategorized, Weigh, Weight, weightloss, Women

Ready for day 3

Posted on by KerryLouise

Ok day 1 went , soup, chicken and fruit! Then day 2 was fruit, meal replacement and a jacket potato. I did have a sweetie lolly and a Dr Pepper too tho 🙈! 

We had a Halloween get together at my friends house. It was nice to have Dom there, I’m still feeling a little dubious this morning though. 

Sunday he called me late on after I had been trying him all day. I didn’t send abuse, although I did have a message ready if needed. He straight away was like ‘babe don’t go mad’ and basically had thought he had lost his phone but his friend had it. He came to see us in the evening and straight away is warm, friendly and just acting like we’re in love. He stays until nearly 2am. Tells me he’s coming back first thing as not at work … I know that doesn’t happen but for some reason I’m a lot calmer with him and it’s working. 

He’s comes around 2pm after I woke him at 12:30 and even answered the phone calling me his sugar dumpling. I mean what name is that … ha but trust me it’s a lot nicer than some of the things he’s called me. 

She’s still ringing him though and realistically I don’t actually know what he’s saying to her. She has shared some interesting quotes on Facebook though which indicates she’s hurting. Well more fool her she knew what she was getting in to. 

He said last night he’s gonna move back new year , fresh start and all that. I understand how he’s reluctant in bringing his clothes here again and he also thinks not rushing back into anything is the way forward. I somewhat agree. If she wasn’t on the scene I would be totally ok with it but I’m constantly thinking oh he’s with her… which is bound to be the case ey. 

I’m seeing him later and I do need to be firmer, stronger and wiser !! 

Posted in Beauty, Challenge, Fitness, Girltalk, Heart, Holiday, Ibiza, Journey, law, lawstudent, life, Lonely, love, mother, prison, Prisoner, prisonwives, Running, sex, single mum, Stretch marks, student, Weight, weightloss

1 Saturday down , 5 to go ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

.. Until I am able to go out and party!! I have my little girl tonight anyway so wouldn’t have gone out tonight but tomorrow could have been a possibility. Craving a good night out so bad!! 

1,818 calories today, had a Chinese with my mini me but counted it correctly. I didn’t snack at all today and that makes such a big difference in your calories, they soon add up. I was under on the fat and sugars content too. I didn’t manage to go for that run this morning, woke up feeling so groggy as I have been doing for a while now. More water, more water a must and back drinking my herbal teas I once got into a good routine with. 

I bought a new cream today and at nearly £10 (and that was half price) it wasn’t cheap. Nip + fab tummy fix it’s called, the reviews look good and after I stood in my underwear in front of the mirror at the sunbed shop I realised how bad the tummy situation is. I took a photo, not brave enough to upload yet but I will do if I get a good picture in a month or so to compare it. Will let you know if it works. I know it’s pretty natural to have stretch marks and excess skin after a pregnancy and especially for someone like me who has lost over 6 stone but to me it just looks weird. Not natural at all. I did get into a good shape last year and it began to look better but I was having a personal trainer then, I am hoping I can do it again without one. 

It’s 1:40am, I did my usual of having a late evening kip to study more effectively. It works yet my body clock is all over the place. Proud of what I have achieved tonight tho. Tomorrow I am working again, cinema date with my daughter then I will pick a different topic to get my teeth into. I’ve got this!!

65 days till Ibiza !!