My baby is now over 72 hours old and I’m actually besotted by her. I finally have the energy to update my blog and tell my story. Although I’m feeling pretty emotional this morning.
Ok so that all important birth story! I had a pessary put in for 24 hours which came out at 6:10pm on Thursday 15th September. I thought that was uncomfortable being inserted, that was nothing compared to what was to come.
By 8pm I was contracting ever 7 minutes which was something!! Completely manageable mild ones just like period pains. I was pleased my body had done something after the pessary and I was quite comfortable sat in the TV room with Dom rather than being on the hot ward. He bought me chicken nuggets as I hadn’t eaten but knew I should try something!
At 10pm labour ward was ready for me and my midwife Sam was absolutely amazing. I was so pleased she was by my side the whole time talking me through it all.
The next step was to have my waters broken. OMG that was soooo uncomfortable .. I do not remember it being like that with Courtney. My midwife explained she couldn’t get to them because cervix was still so high. I had my legs in stirrups and bum in the air and I was squeezing Doms hand sooo much . Not pleasant!!
My waters eventually went during contractions and I was given a 2 hour time frame to be put on drip if contractions were not at least a frequency of 3 in 10 mins. So at 02:30am I went on the drip and it was by then I had to start on the gas and air. I knew sat down I would need pain relief. I had managed previously by standing, deep breathing and Dom Rubbing my back etc. I wanted to hold off on the gas and air for as long as poss. Knowing I didn’t want an epidural I was pacing myself so it would remain effective. I will still only 2cm!
Anyway the contractions were painful yes but I was doing so well with the gas and just breathing!! They got to a point where I was making noise during each one too tho. I still could picture Dominic dosing off at times and in between contractions I screamed ‘get that boy a coffee’. He told me I seemed OK making elephant noises with the gas and air in my hand 😂. I could still see in his face how he was happy it was me not him going through this lol.
Contractions started to come thick and fast .. Every half hour the drug was increased for the contractions and boy did I know it. I remember Dom, my mum and midwife stood up round my bed. I was completely out of it and then all of a sudden they got Dom to hit panic button and I just remember being wheeled into theatre so quick ! Like a million people! I later learned that this was at about 6am. The head rest on the bed came down, my gas and air was taken off me, I just saw the lights on the ceiling and people dressed in blue whilst I was rapidly being pushed into a big open scary room. It makes me emotional thinking about it. I was so so scared. My mum was crying, I was balling. Dom looked like he had seen a ghost and I was so scared and disappointed I was about to have a c-section. I was just begging them to help me! They got Dom gowned up and they were struggling to get spinal in me for the anaesthetic. He had to wait outside for this bit but I kept asking where he was. Twice I had people tell me how he was outside and has told them to tell me that I can do it and to stay brave. That made me cry.
The spinal wasn’t going in. Contractions with no gas and air were complete hell. In that time her heart rate had increased and so I was given the option to go back to the room and attempt a natural delivery again. I said yes please. It was like music to my ears! I felt like someone was by my side and I knew I could do it. I was then confronted with another question ‘did I want an epidural’ .. As I was already in theatre. I was wondering that if I had one maybe I could cope with the pain more and my baby wouldn’t suffer. I was saying yes then saying no, Dominic told me that someone said to him he may need to make the decision for me to which he replied saying ‘she’s always said no.’ My amazing midwife came to the rescue I heard her say how she feels I am being pressurised into something I have said I absolutely didn’t want to do and that we would all make the decision when we got back to the room. What a star.
We got back to the room and finally I could see my mum and Dom again. My mum had been crying and Dom just kept saying how proud he was of me.
I had been taken of the serotonin drip and so they wanted to see if I still needed it, half hour went by … And I did. The contractions then got soooo ridiculous, this is when I first started feeling them in my back. It was becoming increasingly more difficult to remain calm but I was trying. Trying so hard! Being told I was no longer allowed pethedin because of babies heartbeat only made me worse and my body just over took. On every contraction I wanted to push, internals showed that still not ALL my waters had gone and I was only 8cm so totally not ready to be pushing! The pain in my back was out of this world and pushing seemed the only thing I could do. It’s like an uncontrollable urge , unexplainable. Everyone was saying Kerry you can’t push she’s getting distressed but omg I literally couldn’t help it’ soooo fucking crazy. I told everyone they didn’t understand and they should stop talking to me because I was getting angry. 🙈My midwife just said ‘OK darlin’. I did feel bad.
It wasn’t long before the doctors were back in the room and I knew it wasn’t going to end well. I pleaded with them that I just couldn’t do it anymore !! Begging them to help me. Omg the pain. I tried all fours where I did lose more waters but I still wanted to push. I could not stop it just could not!! So once again I was rushed into theatre and even then the trauma didn’t end. Once again they just couldn’t get the spinal in me. It was the longest 20 Mins (if even that long) of my life as was still contracting (and body was pushing like I needed a poo) and I couldn’t cope. My midwife had changed but I could see in her eyes she was just as caring and I even sensed she wanted to cry with me! Holding my hands through contractions listening to my pleas. I no longer cared how the baby was coming out of me I needed that pain to stop! All these people in blue scrubs around me telling me I needed to stay dead still , and Dom, Who wasn’t allowed in the room again at this point could hear me just screaming’ ‘just put me to sleep I can’t do this anymore’ .. Eventually spinal went in and instantly I felt nothing then the gutted feeling took over me again … I didn’t do it naturally. 😢
It turns out she got stuck too so was our only option. My mum said she was so emotional and she felt like she couldn’t cope and Dom said he’d never been so scared in all his life. If pregnancy hasn’t put me off for another one then labour defo has.
When she was cut out of me I could hear her little cries. Dominic then was just crying uncontrollably , I was still in shock, panic and feeling too overwhelmed over the whole ordeal. I was shaking like mad too which apparently is normal. We felt like she wasn’t being brought over to us in quick enough time either and I couldn’t believe it would take 30 minutes to be stitched back up. Still laying there so gutted! I even made that 2nd attempt and failed .. Felt so sorry for myself .
Delivering vaginally is 100% a nicer experience , I still remember pushing Courtney out and seeing her before I heard her. Instant skin on skin contact, the pain gone and love just feels your body instantly. My experience this time was I felt almost a little detached from my baby. Gutted Dom didn’t get to cut the court but I didn’t even get to hold her until I was stitched up. I could see Dom though, he felt that love. Enough love for both of us. He showed me her face and I felt unsure ‘was she my baby’ .. It didn’t feel real.
When I was wheeled on to the ward it was then I felt that love. Still disappointed yes but I was coming to terms with it. She was absolutely beautiful after all and I had made her. My special little princess. ❤️👶🏽
My beautiful baby is now 2 weeks old. She is on a whole an absolute angel. Broken sleep is hard going but ‘touchwood’ each night I usually get at least a 4 hour sleep period. 
Behind These Bluest Eyes 
