Tag: alone

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Party Day !!

Posted on by KerryLouise

Tonight is my birthday party that I’m having with my sister. I can’t wait to dress up and drink and have some fun!!

It’s now day 4 with no contact at all (again) and when things are drama free, calm and tranquil it’s bloody confusing for me! It feels alien and it’s these early stages is where that hits me the most. I have been talking to a guy who via the phone and texts it got me excited. Not necessary with him but the fact that there are men out there who have great conversation, can be good looking, not show any red flag signs and be interested in me! I met with him last night and a major problem is I just don’t really fancy him… my mind just ticks back and thinks of the very person I shouldn’t be thinking about. He’s normal, he has a good job, he gets life yet I simply just don’t see it going anywhere. Women must be programmed wrong I swear … well some women! My friend was texting me last night, she had lined up 2 dates in 1 night, her baby was born in February. She hasn’t had as much crap as me but she defo has had her fair share with the father of her baby. The first date she simply said was too nice and the 2nd was an hour late meeting her. Which one does she want?? Yep the arsehole!

Times like this it’s important I remind myself exactly how bad it was. How bad he was. The above meme summed up every day of my life in one way or another, from the minor ‘I didn’t say that’ to the ‘You drove me to it.’ Seeing memes like this really help my understanding of it. When trying to explain emotional abuse it is very very difficult to someone who doesn’t understand. The violence yes, no one can tolerate but it’s the emotional abuse that cuts deeper and is harder to explain. If it’s through tears then it feels warranted, not crying and showing strength the explanations seem minor and I start doubting myself again (He’s helped with that over the years). Was it even that bad!? Maybe I did over react. But YES it really really was that bad!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

So strange ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

The meme is right , it will take a long time to actually get to grips with the fact that this is what we’ll be. Strangers! Well almost! Until April 2018 the non-molestation order is in place and I can’t even speak to him. Will that even happen? I doubt it, I bumped into him in Asda for goodness sake. I guess I look at it like he’s back in side. The difference being that that aching feeling where I’m longing for my soul mate has been replaced with an anxious grieving feeling where I just wish everything was so different.

After the police called me ALL I could think of was the good times our holiday, our laughs, our family, prison visits, our letters, our past and the way he made me feel even just one month ago has vanished! I looked back at my Instagram where there are posts upon posts about how he was my true love and how we would be together forever despite the fact he was locked up. I was completely besotted by him and that’s ALL I can think off! How the fuck does that happen?? Where’s my feelings of hate? Resentment? Why can’t I remember the amount of emotional and physical abuse he’s put me through? Well that’s a lie, I do remember it I just don’t feel it the way I felt it at the time. This is a man who emotionally tortured me so much to the point where I was screaming for him to shut up and leave me alone, when he didn’t I took a knife and cut myself in front of him to get him to STOP. He dragged me to the bathroom to wash my wound and yet still didn’t stop, telling me I wasn’t well and that he was sure I would tell people that he did it. That was never my intention I just needed him to STOP! I have the scar, I can see that everyday yet I still fucking miss him!! That was nearly a year ago now and I can see the film of it in my head, my phone was in my bra and he was trying to get it. All this abuse was around my infidelity when he was in prison and how I attention seeked on social media. He could take a small bit of reality and turn it into something so crazily toxic and damaging, it was clever though because I did blame myself. That was his intention, make me feel like I deserved it and so when he was charming again it was minimised and it was me apologising for making him that way. He apologised too, of course he did! ‘It’s ok’ .. I comforted.

I now need to decide if I can go to court, I don’t think I can. I guess I just have to see, he ‘no comment’ed his whole interview. What is he thinking now?! 36 hours ago he was telling me how much he loved me, how he’s fucked up his whole life now and that he’ll do whatever he can to support me as the father of my child. Why do I care how he’s feeling? He never cared when I was feeling distraught and devastated!

I am angry with social services. I begged for their help back in June, as part of the plan back in May he was required to do the domestic violence perpetrator course. By end of June I had wrote a letter of complaint surrounding the lack of support by Social Services. I explained how things were better but he needs that help! Nothing changed and by July I had made the decision we didn’t have a future together, whenever he did engage with our social worker he said the same ‘I want us to be a family’ bullshit. Accepting he would take the help! Why wasn’t he fucking given it?? I don’t believe it would have saved our relationship but with more support and involvement we would not be here today with police and non molestation orders. We just wouldn’t be !!

Once I give the go ahead then the CPS will decide if there is enough evidence. I doubt there will be, it’s all my word against his. Initially I felt like I would feel like ‘my abuse wasn’t really abuse’ if the CPS said insufficient evidence but no I’m stronger than that. The DCI is ringing me Sunday, my current feelings are to do it. If it’s NFA’d then good I don’t have to deal with all the shit court will bring and I will show that I’ve done everything I can. If by miracle he is charged … then I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Posted in DomesticAbuse

The time has come ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

I just got the phone call. He’s in custody, he’s been arrested and he’s about to go in for interview. I feel sick.

Monday night my baby woke up at 11pm and by 2:30am I was so beside myself with tiredness and anger I called him to release that stress. It helped, he took everything I said and offered to come and help with the baby. I was so so tired but I knew that couldn’t happen. I was awful to him telling him how much I hated him for everything he’s done, how he’s going to live a miserable life and whatever else I felt appropriate. All he said what that he loved me and agreed he’s been an awful person. I broke the seal again and felt the need to update him the next day too. All I hear is how much he loves me, how much he was just stuck in his ways and that he’ll do everything to be a good father. Understands he’s lost me but believes he has what it takes to put it right?! I categorically do not believe this is the case but in years to come and these feelings have diminished then what! Will I be a fool and get caught up again? I just can’t I really can’t! I HOPE I can get to a place where I’m just not interested at all but how does someone get there ?! He’s a part of me, we’ve gone through so so much and my beautiful baby is a product of him! I pity him, I feel sorry for him, I don’t want to see him suffer, he’s not cared about me but I can’t help that I care. How does someone stop caring?!

I look at my beautiful baby and she has no idea what is happening. Her daddy who she loves so much is in a police cell, a cell for what he did to her mummy. If only it ended there, but it won’t. I’ll be expected to go to court. How the hell do I get through that? My friend had to do this just a few weeks back after a very violent attack with her partner. He beat her hard, sliced her finger with a knife to the point where she needed an operation, he has history of domestic violence where he’s served prison time before and he got a measly 2 and a half years! The defence called my friend a liar and she said it was awful! I can’t do that, I just can’t. Difference is she NEVER has to see him again, I do and I want too. I want my baby to know who he is, she deserves that and when my daughter has a mind of her own I can’t still be so hung up on this situation that I’m bitter and unsupportive of her. I witnessed that with my mum, 25 years on and she will avoid anywhere my dad will be. Teenage girls are hard, what if she uses it against me, blames me for not having a relationship with her dad, blames her self because it was the pregnancy that sent everything so crazy, or what if she leaves me to go be with her dad. My ex mother in law lost her daughter for a few years and that would KILL me! I’m not just thinking about me , I’m thinking practically. If he went to prison for this then all the above could happen if he gets found not guilty that would question everything I believe it.

What the actual fuck do I do ??

The DCI is going to update me after his interview ..

Posted in DomesticAbuse

It’s not fair

Posted on by KerryLouise

That’s all I’m feeling like this morning. If I still had his number I would call him again and say all this to him! But what’s the point! I had to delete it again yesterday. He’ll listen, agree and say he’s going to change his life around but it’s bullshit. He’s still dealing drugs now and if he really meant this ‘change’ he would of done something about it by now! He’s accepting that I’m single and accepting I’ll meet someone else but he’s still sure he will get me back one day. He is completely mistaken! He’s missing out on so much with his beautiful baby, where everyone was cooing over her at my nans party last night. He’s missed out already on so much. Watching her grow, being here in the mornings when she woke, family days we could of enjoyed that he always promised would happen. Even now with my birthday coming up he’s telling me what we can do for it. Talking to him is fuelling his narcissism with the fake promises and knowing I’m still addicted. It’s been hard though as my baby has been in hospital twice this week and maybe it’s an excuse but I’ve felt like he should know. Then Thursday he was begging and crying about how he felt so ill and needed somewhere warm to stay. He couldn’t stay at his brothers as he was having visitors and didn’t want to go to the trap yard. I wish I didn’t have a heart but I allowed it, he was really sick but he only has himself to blame. Luckily it done me a favour too as all his stuff has now gone! I had already packed it all for him so Friday morning it went. No more ties in that sense. This is good.

He has this warped illusion that he watched our baby loads. Reality vs his illusion are always very different. He caused immense amount of stress from being out all night dealing drugs. He’d be coming in at 12 then it would be 2 then sometimes 6. These times I would barely get any sleep for fear he would fall asleep and not ‘make it’ to use his words for failing to come see ‘babysit’ his daughter. No him, meant no work .. and that was an awful amount of stress to deal with! One Thursday I decided I wouldn’t tell him I had a meeting after work and then I got a puncture. He didn’t care I was stranded he just wanted me home because he had things to do. What a waste of space! He told me whilst I was waiting for help with my car that my behaviour meant he couldn’t look after our baby on the Friday. I showed him! I didn’t go home! I stayed at my nans that night, how dare he threaten my livelihood by using our daughter. He did that loads, I’d have nights out planned and he’d go from promising to be my sitter, to threatening me that he wouldn’t do it anymore, then dangling a carrot in front of me to being hours late. He really was truly hopeless. He made a comment about how much I have to pay for nursery and that is my own doing but he fails to remember the times above and the time I had to drive 70 miles purely for a babysitter because he had a ‘busy day.’ Remember this isn’t a man with a high flying job, this is a man who sells drugs and acts like a tool on the streets. He put that in front of his father duties. That’s the reality of it!

The way he was brought up has to take some of the blame. This man isn’t normal. It’s not that he doesn’t want a family, it’s not that he doesn’t want me either .. he just cannot get out of the shitty life he lives. He’s never in his life had a proper job that has lasted longer than a month, he’s 25! Not having any repercussions of his actions won’t ever change him and to be honest it’s too late now. It’s set in stone! He’s got away with it his whole life. When I was late home for my mum as a teenager my life wasn’t worth living and that’s how you learn boundaries. He continues to get away with it, continues to disrespect everyone he knows. Reading an old blog from when I was pregnant and remembering his mum saying if he doesn’t do the course she had booked him on to she would wipe her hands of him. Did he do it? No course not ! That wasn’t an isolated incident either and yet she still remains his bigger fan.

Still too much of my time is thinking about the shoulda woulda and couldas. I resent him so much for not sharing this time with me. I most probably will never have any more children and he’s ruined my last chance of ever feeling like a ‘proper’ family. I’ve been constantly this year trying to cling on to family moments just for the memories, for the photos, for me and for our baby. Allowing disrespect and not punishing him for his actions because of it. With Christmas coming up I need to NOT try do the same! It’s going to be fucking hard, so fucking hard but he deserves nothing, he deserves no involvement and it’s time to make him pay for the evilness he has brought.

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Sleepless nights are the worst …

Posted on by KerryLouise

When will this end? All I can think about tonight is the situation .. I was so tired earlier and as soon as I try and sleep it’s bam!! Him!! What is wrong with me?

I wonder what he’s thinking, I wonder what’s going to happen next, I imagine how I’d react if he has another baby. I get annoyed that he may potentially never realise the damage he has caused. If I get the injunction it’s only a year and then what ?! It could only be 6 months. I’m not sure that is long enough, would I fall straight back into his trap should this happen.

I wish he would move away. I wish the police would do their fucking job and catch him for drug dealing. If he was locked up then I could heal better. I wouldn’t have to worry about where he is, what he’s doing and whether I will bump into him whilst I’m out. Just being in Asda earlier I felt sketchy and on edge. I cannot explain enough how just seeing him will put me back! He’d put on the charm, he’d beg and he would plead. Or would he? Maybe this time he’s actually feeling genuine hate for me?! Why does that even bother me!

Now I am standing on the outside I realise more and more really how abusive he is. It frustrates me that I ever gave him ammunition to throw back at me. How different would it have been if I hadn’t of? He would have still carried on drug dealing, that’s in his blood, although he says he wouldn’t have. He still would have cheated, again he denies but he cheated before he even went to jail so that’s still inevitable. He still shows true traits of someone who suffers with narcissistic personality disorder and I’m realising this more and more each day. Memes across Instagram highlight the things I could not deal with on a daily basis. I found my self explaining basic elements of human respect to a full grown adult. He never saw a problem with not being contactable or going AWOL telling me that he is a grown up man and can do what he likes. He used my emotions against me, emotions he intentionally provoked yet cussed and teased at how over sensitive I was. If he promised a meal out and then last minute he said no, instead of consoling my hurt he would explain that my attitude is exactly why he doesn’t want to be around me. Then he would never listen to me, I don’t remember the last time we had a proper conversation. Most probably when he was in prison. Narcissists are so self centred that even though they claim to be interested they don’t listen to anything you have to tell them. If a question was asked he’d ask me to repeat what I said and he never had a real interest in my life. Not really! He’d easily go long lengths of time not asking how I am, and if I didn’t text first he was quick to say how he hadn’t heard from me all day. If I didn’t reply to him then again I would be questioned but it was always ok for him. He was aggressive in nature when he wanted to be, if something wasn’t going his way he would sit me down and talk at me like I was a child. Every single thing that came out of his mouth was fabricated and not sincere. He’s spoke for months about how he’s getting his driving licence sorted, he would try and make me feel like ‘I was going to miss out on change’ explaining that he had work lined up.

I couldn’t rely on him. I was a full single mum dealing with the stresses of a relationship. He would say he wants to bath baby and put her to bed but turn up at 11pm. I would ask him to watch her whilst I went out and he said that he didn’t know. Times he did say yes he would use it as an element of control, if I breathed too deeply then it was his green card to say ‘find someone else.’ Every single bit about the relationship was truly awful.

He’d blame me for the fact we did nothing together, yet that was all his doing. I would hear him deal drugs whilst I was on the phone to him and he’d just hang up without a second thought. He’d tell me to ring back in 5 minutes and not answer in 40. His timing was ALWAYS horrific! Even right at the start. You don’t tell someone you’ll be 5 minutes and be 5 hours, you just don’t.

What am I worrying about? What do I fear! I know I do not want him, I know I will meet someone else who will show me exactly how a relationship should be. I KNOW for certain he won’t be no saint for any woman and it’s them that can deal with the shit and not me! He’s already disrespected this one by sleeping with me, and texts on his phone showed he asked another girl out for a drink. He would have disappeared for days at a time from her too especially when he had no phone so more fool her for not getting out sooner. He’ll get bored of her soon, he’ll bide his time for a bit whilst he’s trying to move in and then he’ll not give her a second thought. Narcissists don’t!

You really cannot trust ANYONE who can kiss you whilst you’re sleeping and whisper ‘I love you so much’ whilst knowing what I was accusing him of was true. Look me in my eyes and hold me so I can’t go, feeding me lie after lie after lie. Believing his own lies.

There’s clearly nothing wrong with me, it’s him!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

You don’t get to tell me what to do ever again!!

Posted on by KerryLouise

And that feels good… like really good.

I listened to a couple of voice recordings I had in my phone today. It’s a shame they don’t back up as with all the phones he’s smashed up I lost loads of evidence of his behaviour! The two I have are quite recent and to be honest they are not even THAT bad compared to other times.

Back in June I wasn’t allowed to leave the house in what I was wearing. He told me I should respect his wishes and that he has to ‘teach’ and ‘help’ me how to have self respect and worth. His patronising angry tone, that you can hear in my voice has tied me up in knots and I’m a sobbing mess asking him what I was allowed to wear. I remember that day, I wasn’t allowed to leave my flat and he made sure of that by hiding my bag. Despite me explaining that it was an outfit I had wore previously in his company he wasn’t taking any of it. My bum was out was his concerns and I should respect him and myself. This also reminds me of a dress I tried on in front of him that I planned to wear to my friends hen party. He made a comment about how I shouldn’t wear it, I did and boy that was a rough night. A lecture and a half, he also had my Instagram account where he deleted random men’s comments on the photo of me in the dress and of course that was my fault. ‘Begging attention,’ ‘needy’ and ‘pathetic’. Then his favourite ‘I want a real woman not someone like you.’ He firmly told me I was not allowed on any more weekends away with the girls.

The second recording is over a misunderstanding about when he was buying me a new handbag as I had mine stolen. Any ‘normal’ person would say ‘no sorry you got confused babe I didn’t mean this weekend.’ Not him, not his narcissistic personality. It developed into an hour long lecture over how I was a joke and ungrateful. How I couldn’t ever accept when I was wrong. In a 16 minute voice recording he must have said how I was a joke 15 times. Explaining over and over again that it’s ‘really sad’ he can’t have a conversation with the mother of his child. How I can’t ever be told (like I’m a child.) i hear how I’m up my own arse, how I play and act dumb and how I’ll continue to have these problems with other men. As no one will put up with me the way I am! The repetitions of not being able to talk to me are tiresome when I ask him what he wants to talk about. A narcissist doesn’t know, he just repeats the point and will not follow it up with any substance. Trying to prove over and over again it’s me and it certainly isn’t him.

I also kept a diary for a month with a sentence for each day. It’s good to look back on and it shows me exactly why the injunction is needed. Since June I’ve been telling him I don’t want him but he is so used to abusing, controlling and manipulating me this will never stop without serious measures. Even in the 16 minute recording he begins by saying ‘like you said we’re not together’ and by the end he’s saying ‘in a relationship a man and woman should be able to communicate’ , obviously trying to highlight that my communication skills need work and re-iterating that I am still very much his!

He is obsessed with me, he is a possessive, jealous and a needy human. Especially since I had his baby, he sees that as he’s put his mark on me. ‘You think I’m having a baby mum whose in town every weekend opening her dirty legs’, ‘I’ll get wicked on you, you know’ and ‘over my dead body will you have another man in this town.’ Oh and let’s not forget ‘do your thing if you wish but I’m not letting you go and when I’m ready I will be coming back for you girl.’ We’ve been here before, he won’t stop thinking of me, he sure as hell won’t be bothered about my thoughts and pain from what he’s caused. As a narc he is so self centred he’ll be concerned about him. How he feels! He knows he won’t ever have anyone like me again. ‘I fucked up’ .. with the tears, ‘I am sorry’ … no no he’s just sorry that he’s suffering now. He isn’t sorry to me and never ever has been. He’ll tell anyone and everyone that will listen that I’m bitter and twisted. Using our baby as a weapon and I’m sure when he realises that this is really it this time that’ll fuel his fire to blame me once more.

‘All I know is I would have given you fucking everything if you didn’t wrong me when I went to jail’, that line used to get me. I would hate myself for doing what I did, blame myself for the whole situation. Revenge he would scream and I believed him. When I heard it this week I just laughed and told him to get over it. He’s boring now, poor him for reading a text message I sent to a man ‘hurry, I need warming up’ .. pity party him!! Circumstances do not make someone an abusive person, they are just abusive! Nothing I did justifies this behaviour… nothing!

He punched a hole in my wall even before he went to jail because an old flame had text me… should have spotted the red flags then!

So tonight I can sleep well. He can no longer tell me what to wear, what to do, where to eat (yes he has done that before), what to spend my money on, what friends I can see or where I go. Sometimes the control is indirect, he’ll make the situation so difficult it’s easier to just agree and bow down to his requests. I never ever have to hear another lie, word or comment come out of his mouth again. I do know something I will NEVER be involved with anyone like him again! Ever!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

I have a great life ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

When I erase him out of the equation my life is truly great. I have an amazing job which I absolutely love, and I have 2 beautiful children who are my motivation for everything.

I do feel ashamed. Ashamed I’ve let him take over, he’s got me so under a spell I potentially haven’t been the best mum I could have. They have seen and heard too much and I honestly feel like the last year has been a blur. I’ve loved being a mum again but I do feel some of the enjoyment has been over shadowed by this black cloud.

Tonight I’m at the hospital with my youngest baby, she’s not been very well and has had bleeding from her ear. My sister is with me and it’s got me thinking.

When baby was just 6 weeks old I ended up here with her. I had to wake him up from his ‘girlfriends’ bed by calling her phone.. after spending the previous day with me and filling my head full of lies. He didn’t even have parental responsibility at this point as I had already registered her birth without him, I wish I had the strength back then to not allow him near us. The day was spent with more mind games, verbal abuse then love , verbal abuse and love again! Promising that his ‘fling’ was going to end soon, he was confused, I had hurt him and it was his ‘revenge.’ He left the hospital and went to hers, he was chilling watching TV with her whilst I was sat in the hospital!

Whilst in rage I rang his cousin… ‘he should fucking be here.’ He needed another man to explain this to him!! When he finally came I thanked him, I THANKED him! Who should thank the father of their child for just ‘being a dad.’ All evening I was just talking to him about ‘being a family’ and I begged him to stay the night. He did spend the night with us, lied to his girlfriend saying baby had to stay in hospital. What the fuck was I doing?! Now it is clear, such a manipulator!

I will also never forget the day I was admitted into hospital before giving birth to my baby girl. He was so nasty. SO SO nasty! He was disinterested , moaning he was hot and I was the only woman without a partner by her bed for the majority of the day. When he finally got there he was angry my friend was there. Told me he didn’t need to have bothered. I remember sitting outside and he was firing words at me, with a look of hatred in his eyes. I did nothing but sob, sob and sob some more whilst I listened to everything he disliked about me. Pregnant and overdue yet he still managed to make it all about him! Why have I continued allowing him in my life ?

Unfortunately I had another weak moment today and called him. There is NEVER a positive from these phone calls. I will learn this eventually. He tells me he’s gonna come see me I tell him no f’ing way and it gets nasty ! ‘What did you expect Kerry?’ He screams ‘Every day you tell me you hate me so what did you expect!’

Oh yes I forgot it is my fault you continued to lie and sleep around, it’s my fault!

Posted in alone, baby, cheat, Company, Diet, DomesticAbuse, Heart, Heartbreak, intimate, life, Lonely, love, Mistakes, mother, Parenting, pregnancy, pregnant, relationship, relationships, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum

A day without crying ? 

Posted on by KerryLouise

I woke up yesterday with a sickness bug. I hate being sick. I hate it even more when I have no one around me to take care of me. It made me feel emotional, I couldn’t believe it was now entering the fourth day without contact with the ex. How was he feeling?! Does he even care? I knew he was probably playing the victim, even in his own head, guaranteed he’s still got it inside him that it’s all my fault. ‘What kind of woman gets his man locked?’ He’ll be asking.  I cast my mind back to the number of times he would just attack me with words about how I bet I would do that too him. I’m that type of girl, I’m low like that. Back then I never would, he just went TOO far. 

I did call him today from my mums phone, I know how his mind works and he’ll just be building up more hate for me if I don’t attempt contact. If I call him and ask when he wants his clothes he can’t blame me for not having them can he? He admitted he had tried to call me, used someone else’s phone and had been to the flat, that made me feel better. I asked him if I should take his clothes to that girls work place, he snapped back ‘why should you?’ He said he wasn’t staying there, last time he admitted he was staying with his new girlfriend so I have no reason to doubt him. Or do I ?! To be honest it is unlikely, unless she really is a desperate needy slag. Alarm bells would certainly ring to me if he was suddenly needing to be there all the time, despite him telling her he lives at his grandmas oh and not to mention the lies he told her even about his name. Anyway who cares, even if she doesn’t know now she’ll work it out herself. 

I asked him if he was happy, he said ‘do I sound happy?!’ I asked him if he’s missed me and he said ‘yeh I have.’ I didn’t tell him I missed him, I wasn’t going to give him that satisfaction. I felt better after the call, and I feel good this morning. 

I felt a bit low when I got in from my dads last night. I told them how I got myself in a cycle where he was the one to make me feel so low and drill me into the ground but I relied on him to bring me back up again. I hate it when I miss him, because I only miss the small amounts of time it was good. I need to remember the times I felt sick when I didn’t know where he was, the anxiousness I would feel when I worry whether he’s going to show up or not. The anger I would get when his phone was off or he wouldn’t answer the calls. The disrespectfulness when he would tell me to get off his line, tell me I was a fucking dickhead, a fucking prick, a slag. He would scream at me how I wasn’t a real woman, how I made him sick to his bones, more recently how I was dead to him and how he could get any girl he wanted, where as I was old with two kids. When I was pregnant he would tell me he feels sorry for his daughter having a mother like me, how I’m constantly stressing out his daughter and I’m a mess. I could go on but it’s not necessary, this stuff is enough. 

He always manipulated everything so it was always some how my fault. We would plan a night out, a meal and some time together. He would cause an argument and tell me this was the reason he never wanted to be around me, how I was boring and I bring it all on my self. I feel sick when I look back at times when he clearly went off with that other girl and realistically god knows how many girls there has been. He’s an animal and he’s vile and I am proud in myself that I can finally see everything he has done to me was never my fault. I justified his actions so many times and I can honestly say even if he shows me change I will never ever get over what he’s done to me. Destroyed me, abused me and trampled all over me during a time when I needed a man. A real man. 

I am out tonight, he said he would show up today to get some clothes. I hope he doesn’t, the buzzer is still on private and I’ll try go out this afternoon. My gorgeous princess slept from 9:30pm – 6am and right now she’s happily sat in her chair talking to herself. I’m the real winner, I have so much love in my daughters and my whole life ahead of me. What the hell does he have?! 

I reckon I can go the whole of today with no tears and I really cannot wait to go out tonight. 

Posted in alone, baby, breastfeeding, cheat, Deceit, Diet, Heart, Heartbreak, Lonely, love, Mistakes, relationship, relationships, Singlemum, Strength, Uncategorized

Baby’s first cinema trip 

Posted on by KerryLouise

My little cutie went to the cinema for the first time today. Good as gold as per usual. My sister had to change a very explosive nappy though and she did feed on both boobs. She’s still a little angel. 

Her daddy text in the afternoon asking how we both were. He said he wasn’t coming straight from work, that’s fine I replied and when he called you could tell he didn’t understand my relaxed attitude when I said I had made new plans too. I don’t want to stop him from seeing us but if he can’t stick to a time then that gives me the option to be unavailable and can keep him at a distance. He needs to miss us. 

We spoke later on and he mentioned how he had been talking with someone from work who said how I must be lonely. He never wanted me to feel lonely or unloved apparently. It’s inevitable though and I just commented that I’m used to being alone, I just miss him. It was a pleasant phone call and I feel ok. Sometimes my mind wanders and I think about him with her and all the lies and deceit but that does me no favours and I’m only punishing myself. 

 I sent him some words to think about … 


Tomorrow I weigh myself. Last Wednesday I began a no gluten or sugar diet and I’ve found it pretty easy. Today I had sugar though at the cinema but hey ho. Can’t be perfect. I’ve had two comments today about weight loss and I am definitely feeling more confident in myself. 

Literally buzzing for a night out with my friends on my birthday. Ordered a dress last night and I cannot wait to get fully dressed up again. Fingers crossed I just feel super fabulous by then ❤️

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Happy New Year!!

Posted on by KerryLouise

So that’s it , Christmas out the way. Well almost!

Christmas Day went ok, I was awake at 5am. Made me laugh when friends and relatives asked ‘what time was she up?’ referring to my daughter. She wasn’t the problem, it was me! I just couldn’t sleep, she woke at 6am and I then went back to sleep after we had done presents, well a little lay down can hardly call it sleep when you have a 6 year old buzzing around in your face. He rang me in the morning, was unusual for him, usually he calls me lunch time but it was a nice surprise all the same. ‘Merry Christmas baby’ I said,  it just seemed natural, he seemed ok considering and later he admitted Christmas wasn’t THAT bad and he in fact found his birthday worse. I put this down to that fact last year he didn’t really have a Christmas, his dad who lives close to me was in Jamaica, his Auntie was doing something else and so he ended up with a takeaway with his half brother (who can only be described as a waste of space). We hadn’t been together long enough to ‘meet the parents’ so after spending Christmas eve with me, I picked him back up on the eve of Christmas Day. I’m not sure why his mother wasn’t involved around this time last year, they spoke yes but considering this woman has made comments about Christmas not being the same I find it hard to accept she has the same sunken sad feeling as me.

After our very large Christmas dinner I did feel a little low, scrolling through facebook and seeing the amounts of ‘couples’ that were soooo ‘happy’ and soooo ‘lucky’, (whether they are or not is another story of course.) It was hard to see all the same, knowing I would do anything just to spend the evening with him, forget the presents, or the engagement rings just time. The time, would be so precious. My only saving grace was the fact , he would be with us next year. Next year no tag, no cells, no prison phone calls or visits, he would be with us. I can only imagine how other wives , mothers, girlfriends, husbands, boyfriends, fathers could possible feel if the sentence was longer. Victims in ALL of this.

Boxing Day was ok, made the decision to go out. That didn’t end too well, got too drunk and just far too emotional. I guess it’s a good thing I know alcohol doesn’t help, many people in a situation like this would turn to drink or drugs to help them through it. Not me. They are a depressant, I certainly don’t need anything to heighten this. Laying off the booze is certainly something I will be doing in the New Year. Not that I will miss it anyway. I have changed.

So today is New Years Eve, no longer going to London just a night in with my sister, her partner and our girls. I’m glad. I couldn’t bear the thought of driving all that way today, getting all glammed up and feeling lost and incomplete. Again I can get through this… next year I will be with him, and to be honest just a night in with him on New Year would do me just fine.

We’ve had a big week with the business, some changes will be being made which could mean I can give my man a job when he comes home. Yesterday I got back into my uni reading and I’m feeling pretty positive.

I’m reading a book I found for the Kindle. It’s about a 35 year old man serving a prison sentence for the first time in England, its not brilliantly written but its real. A lot of the stuff I can relate too in a weird way even though I am not the prisoner. It definitely quashes all the tabloids speculations of prison being like ‘holiday camps,’ I may even get my father to read it who made a comment about prisoners living in luxury! Yeh! Don’t get me started!! Anyway this book is written pretty much the way my blog is, and it has prompted me to do the same. There are no books (or any I could find) about prisoners loved ones. Something I can do, and will do. This journey won’t end when he’s out ,won’t even end when he’s off tag, April 2017 will be when his 2 year 8 months sentence will have ended. Even then would it all be over? Only time will tell.