Tag: prisonwife

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Reminding myself …

Posted on by KerryLouise

Today is a weird fucking day.. felt anxious and weird for most of it! It didn’t help that I fell asleep early last night and woke up unable to sleep until like 2am! 5:45am my alarm was set and just got back in at 9:45pm!! Day in London on a course for work, traffic was crazy on the way home which saw a junction be completely closed. Toooo much thinking time!

I found out the police are still doing their investigations. Surely this means they believe there is something there? Or is it just their obligation to follow up a complaint. The DCI was meant to call me on Sunday and find out my thoughts if I still wanted to go ahead, she didn’t call but is still investigating. Ahh I feel so sick and so anxious. On the one hand I feel relieved that something is being done, someone is taking me seriously and actually glad that something CAN be done with regards to the law. This time last year even longer ago I never thought it would be taken so seriously.

Last night when I couldn’t sleep I re-listened to 4 voice recordings I had on my phone. I often recorded him to prove to him that his behaviour was unacceptable, or I would listen to them when I questioned myself. I’m gutted I only have 4, there has been many more from earlier on but since he’s smashed so many phones it’s deleted that evidence. One of the first ones I did he was telling me ‘I hate you’ and ‘you make me sick’ so cold, nasty and cruel. Screaming how I had a choice and should of not stayed with him whilst he was in jail. There’s was screams of Courtney shouting ‘get off my mummy’ and he would just continue verbally attacking me. This one particular incident I remember managing to leave the house, I had Courtney with me too. Fuck sake forgot my car key!! He chased me up the road with no shoes on, screaming at me how I was making a scene and that he only cared about the thing in my stomach. Someone who knew me from doing my promotional work saw me and asked if I needed a lift anywhere. A neighbour then saw his volatile behaviour and began screaming out his window ‘get off her.’ It was INSANE! I just thought it was because he was drunk. If only I still had that one as evidence now.

It’s mad how much I STILL have to remind myself !! HE WAS ABUSIVE he emotionally TORTURED me and I mean that from every bone in my body. The times when he was bad I could have easily smashed my own head in just to STOP him going on, gone even worse than that time I cut myself. The times he disappeared I would rather of been dead than carrying his baby, so so scared of what she was being born in to. Then when he disappeared when she was born I never ever ever felt so low, unloved, unappreciated and like a worthless piece of shit than how he made me feel! NOBODY should EVER make anyone feel like that, that is abuse in itself, to feel like they would rather be dead that have to continue living a life with a certain person. I guess from this it may seem insanely crazy as to why I even entertained him anymore, should have cut him off way way sooner BUT with this harm obviously came the charm. His manipulation made me forget the pain he caused, made it seem like no big deal. His promises ALWAYS seemed sincere and it was a LOT easier to accept his apologies than not! I blamed myself, I felt like it wasn’t his fault .. you name it I thought it. Even now I think ‘it’s not his fault’ he’s just been bought up that way, BUT whoever’s fault it is …. it certainly wasn’t mine!

From the 4 voice recordings I picked out ALL forms of abuse.

Gaslighting – Telling me something didn’t happen when I KNOW it did. He didn’t just say it once though.. oh no he continued and continued … and continued to discredit me. Tell me I can’t accept when I’m wrong and that there is no way this said thing happened. Thing is any NORMAL person would say ‘sorry babe you must have misunderstood me’ … not him … I was a liar and anything else which the argument veered off too.

Projection – he accuses me of things HES guilty off. Saying to me that I’m like talking to a brick wall, I never listen to him. Mentioned how I never go out with him anymore, (because he’s never around!) I just listen to it and shake my head thinking ‘that’s what you do!! Not me’

Verbal abuse – he said he hates me, that I make him feel sick. I piss him off and act dumb. He mimics my crying and says how all I do is play the victim. That it’s all crocodile tears and no one feels sorry for me. He goes on and on about how it’s really sad that he can’t talk to me and that as the mother of his child he should be able to talk to me about anything (funny how he doesn’t see that the same should go for me)

Physical abuse- although in these recordings he doesn’t hit me! He flicks my ears when he is telling me I don’t listen. He’s sitting very close to me to which I say ‘why are you sitting so close to me’ and he punches his hands in rage all very intimidating and all abusive!

Sexual abuse – despite our sex life being probably the reason the drug is so addictive and at times was literally incredible. There were times I didn’t want it, whether because my children were in the room (that time was shocking – at his mums house) or I was busy, tired or I just did not know where else he had been. However he wouldn’t take no very well. I was either told things like ‘don’t want your dead sex anyway’ and tell me some other personal stuff that I nearly wrote but can’t bring myself too. Any recent conflict would be bought up to have a row, he’d tell me that clearly I couldn’t keep up with his sex drive (which is laughable!!) or that he should just go and pull anyone. He would say things like ‘can’t believe my own woman won’t give me sex’ and just anything really. Tell me is it any wonder he would go elsewhere and make up ficstiousis or ‘real’ women he was going to go on a date with. It would be all that or just one hell of a strop. In fact the FIRST ever time I called the police on him was because he turned so nasty BECAUSE I wouldn’t sleep with him. Let’s not forget I had caught him cheating AGAIN and my eldest daughter was off school sick AND I had a boiler repair man in my flat and the disgusting creature wanted sex! Saying no to him then and the repercussions of that was enough for me to call the police to get him removed from my flat. I couldn’t take anymore. Well I messaged my sister on fb to do it because he hid my phone!! I had a massive bruise on my leg that time from a previous incident, and he was locked up. Despite bail he still came straight to me, I let him in as he told me he would tell me where my phone was. Like a cruel game he had me searching round the flat, ‘I put it in the washing bin’ , ‘I put it under the mattress’ .. none of the places were correct but he got off by watching me hunt and beg for the location. He again that night even said sorry and because I said ‘too late’ he assaulted me again before he left. Pushed me so I hit my head on the radiator and I still was without my phone. The voice recordings didn’t show any of that but he did make an awful comment about how he only came to me to ‘get his leg up’, he honestly sees women as objects at times. It’s vile. The other 80% of the time in the sex department he was the most loving, most affectionate, charming, beautiful, emotive person ever. I just had to be prepared if I ever said no. Then the abuse started.

Talks to me like a child- I can’t believe how much it clearly shows from the recordings that he speaks to me like a child. There is no two way conversation. He tells me off , he sits me down and makes me listen. He tries to tell me how I won’t ever learn, asks how old I am and that I will always have these problems with any other man unless I listen. I often tell him he talks AT me rather than with me. He doesn’t get the difference, now mate , that’s what is ‘sad’ not your assumption that you can’t talk with me! The fact you have no idea how to address the mother of your child!

He calls me ungrateful for suggesting I needed to buy a bag and I couldn’t wait for the one he was going to buy me (a narc loves a fantasy that never materialises). Ungrateful ?? Hmmm says him for living in a property rent free for months!

Tells me off that the baby bottles are not clean but when I go to wash up he stops me by saying I don’t wash up properly.

He stopped me from leaving my house in what I was wearing. Denies he stopped me, denies that it is control. Completely adamant he’s never stopped my free will GASLIGHTING GASLIGHTING! He’s done it fucking LOADS of times whether that’s by hiding my keys or physically not letting me leave. This time he did both. He was so sure my jumpsuit was too short. That it wasn’t control, but he was teaching me to have self worth and respect. That how our girls watch everything we do and will copy (pot kettle black!) so it’s wrong for me to wear a short outfit in 29 degrees but ok for you to be physically intimidating in front of our baby because she may not have self respect when she’s older! Hmmm! He goes on I’m not a proper lady apparently and I beg for attention. He still to this day does not see this as control!!! Just help and guidance! The man is deluded!!

I could go on! I really fucking could … but I’ve satisfied myself again. He’s an abusive asshole with an extreme narcissist personality disorder. He deserves everything he gets since he has made me feel so worthless without a care in his world so so so sooooo many times! He only ‘cares’ when something is effecting him! That’s when he fake cares, his sorry’s and his promises come out in full force.

I wish he wasn’t this way, I really really do. My illusion of him is still what makes it hurt so bad. The fake dream he sold me – (yet I was always the one who sold him a fake dream lol- projection.)

He was my soul mate, a piece of my world and he crumbled that all with his bare hands. It will take time. ALL I want to finish this post off with is … ‘I miss him!’ I know how crazy that sounds!!!

7 days narc CLEAN!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Party Day !!

Posted on by KerryLouise

Tonight is my birthday party that I’m having with my sister. I can’t wait to dress up and drink and have some fun!!

It’s now day 4 with no contact at all (again) and when things are drama free, calm and tranquil it’s bloody confusing for me! It feels alien and it’s these early stages is where that hits me the most. I have been talking to a guy who via the phone and texts it got me excited. Not necessary with him but the fact that there are men out there who have great conversation, can be good looking, not show any red flag signs and be interested in me! I met with him last night and a major problem is I just don’t really fancy him… my mind just ticks back and thinks of the very person I shouldn’t be thinking about. He’s normal, he has a good job, he gets life yet I simply just don’t see it going anywhere. Women must be programmed wrong I swear … well some women! My friend was texting me last night, she had lined up 2 dates in 1 night, her baby was born in February. She hasn’t had as much crap as me but she defo has had her fair share with the father of her baby. The first date she simply said was too nice and the 2nd was an hour late meeting her. Which one does she want?? Yep the arsehole!

Times like this it’s important I remind myself exactly how bad it was. How bad he was. The above meme summed up every day of my life in one way or another, from the minor ‘I didn’t say that’ to the ‘You drove me to it.’ Seeing memes like this really help my understanding of it. When trying to explain emotional abuse it is very very difficult to someone who doesn’t understand. The violence yes, no one can tolerate but it’s the emotional abuse that cuts deeper and is harder to explain. If it’s through tears then it feels warranted, not crying and showing strength the explanations seem minor and I start doubting myself again (He’s helped with that over the years). Was it even that bad!? Maybe I did over react. But YES it really really was that bad!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

So strange ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

The meme is right , it will take a long time to actually get to grips with the fact that this is what we’ll be. Strangers! Well almost! Until April 2018 the non-molestation order is in place and I can’t even speak to him. Will that even happen? I doubt it, I bumped into him in Asda for goodness sake. I guess I look at it like he’s back in side. The difference being that that aching feeling where I’m longing for my soul mate has been replaced with an anxious grieving feeling where I just wish everything was so different.

After the police called me ALL I could think of was the good times our holiday, our laughs, our family, prison visits, our letters, our past and the way he made me feel even just one month ago has vanished! I looked back at my Instagram where there are posts upon posts about how he was my true love and how we would be together forever despite the fact he was locked up. I was completely besotted by him and that’s ALL I can think off! How the fuck does that happen?? Where’s my feelings of hate? Resentment? Why can’t I remember the amount of emotional and physical abuse he’s put me through? Well that’s a lie, I do remember it I just don’t feel it the way I felt it at the time. This is a man who emotionally tortured me so much to the point where I was screaming for him to shut up and leave me alone, when he didn’t I took a knife and cut myself in front of him to get him to STOP. He dragged me to the bathroom to wash my wound and yet still didn’t stop, telling me I wasn’t well and that he was sure I would tell people that he did it. That was never my intention I just needed him to STOP! I have the scar, I can see that everyday yet I still fucking miss him!! That was nearly a year ago now and I can see the film of it in my head, my phone was in my bra and he was trying to get it. All this abuse was around my infidelity when he was in prison and how I attention seeked on social media. He could take a small bit of reality and turn it into something so crazily toxic and damaging, it was clever though because I did blame myself. That was his intention, make me feel like I deserved it and so when he was charming again it was minimised and it was me apologising for making him that way. He apologised too, of course he did! ‘It’s ok’ .. I comforted.

I now need to decide if I can go to court, I don’t think I can. I guess I just have to see, he ‘no comment’ed his whole interview. What is he thinking now?! 36 hours ago he was telling me how much he loved me, how he’s fucked up his whole life now and that he’ll do whatever he can to support me as the father of my child. Why do I care how he’s feeling? He never cared when I was feeling distraught and devastated!

I am angry with social services. I begged for their help back in June, as part of the plan back in May he was required to do the domestic violence perpetrator course. By end of June I had wrote a letter of complaint surrounding the lack of support by Social Services. I explained how things were better but he needs that help! Nothing changed and by July I had made the decision we didn’t have a future together, whenever he did engage with our social worker he said the same ‘I want us to be a family’ bullshit. Accepting he would take the help! Why wasn’t he fucking given it?? I don’t believe it would have saved our relationship but with more support and involvement we would not be here today with police and non molestation orders. We just wouldn’t be !!

Once I give the go ahead then the CPS will decide if there is enough evidence. I doubt there will be, it’s all my word against his. Initially I felt like I would feel like ‘my abuse wasn’t really abuse’ if the CPS said insufficient evidence but no I’m stronger than that. The DCI is ringing me Sunday, my current feelings are to do it. If it’s NFA’d then good I don’t have to deal with all the shit court will bring and I will show that I’ve done everything I can. If by miracle he is charged … then I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Posted in DomesticAbuse

It’s not fair

Posted on by KerryLouise

That’s all I’m feeling like this morning. If I still had his number I would call him again and say all this to him! But what’s the point! I had to delete it again yesterday. He’ll listen, agree and say he’s going to change his life around but it’s bullshit. He’s still dealing drugs now and if he really meant this ‘change’ he would of done something about it by now! He’s accepting that I’m single and accepting I’ll meet someone else but he’s still sure he will get me back one day. He is completely mistaken! He’s missing out on so much with his beautiful baby, where everyone was cooing over her at my nans party last night. He’s missed out already on so much. Watching her grow, being here in the mornings when she woke, family days we could of enjoyed that he always promised would happen. Even now with my birthday coming up he’s telling me what we can do for it. Talking to him is fuelling his narcissism with the fake promises and knowing I’m still addicted. It’s been hard though as my baby has been in hospital twice this week and maybe it’s an excuse but I’ve felt like he should know. Then Thursday he was begging and crying about how he felt so ill and needed somewhere warm to stay. He couldn’t stay at his brothers as he was having visitors and didn’t want to go to the trap yard. I wish I didn’t have a heart but I allowed it, he was really sick but he only has himself to blame. Luckily it done me a favour too as all his stuff has now gone! I had already packed it all for him so Friday morning it went. No more ties in that sense. This is good.

He has this warped illusion that he watched our baby loads. Reality vs his illusion are always very different. He caused immense amount of stress from being out all night dealing drugs. He’d be coming in at 12 then it would be 2 then sometimes 6. These times I would barely get any sleep for fear he would fall asleep and not ‘make it’ to use his words for failing to come see ‘babysit’ his daughter. No him, meant no work .. and that was an awful amount of stress to deal with! One Thursday I decided I wouldn’t tell him I had a meeting after work and then I got a puncture. He didn’t care I was stranded he just wanted me home because he had things to do. What a waste of space! He told me whilst I was waiting for help with my car that my behaviour meant he couldn’t look after our baby on the Friday. I showed him! I didn’t go home! I stayed at my nans that night, how dare he threaten my livelihood by using our daughter. He did that loads, I’d have nights out planned and he’d go from promising to be my sitter, to threatening me that he wouldn’t do it anymore, then dangling a carrot in front of me to being hours late. He really was truly hopeless. He made a comment about how much I have to pay for nursery and that is my own doing but he fails to remember the times above and the time I had to drive 70 miles purely for a babysitter because he had a ‘busy day.’ Remember this isn’t a man with a high flying job, this is a man who sells drugs and acts like a tool on the streets. He put that in front of his father duties. That’s the reality of it!

The way he was brought up has to take some of the blame. This man isn’t normal. It’s not that he doesn’t want a family, it’s not that he doesn’t want me either .. he just cannot get out of the shitty life he lives. He’s never in his life had a proper job that has lasted longer than a month, he’s 25! Not having any repercussions of his actions won’t ever change him and to be honest it’s too late now. It’s set in stone! He’s got away with it his whole life. When I was late home for my mum as a teenager my life wasn’t worth living and that’s how you learn boundaries. He continues to get away with it, continues to disrespect everyone he knows. Reading an old blog from when I was pregnant and remembering his mum saying if he doesn’t do the course she had booked him on to she would wipe her hands of him. Did he do it? No course not ! That wasn’t an isolated incident either and yet she still remains his bigger fan.

Still too much of my time is thinking about the shoulda woulda and couldas. I resent him so much for not sharing this time with me. I most probably will never have any more children and he’s ruined my last chance of ever feeling like a ‘proper’ family. I’ve been constantly this year trying to cling on to family moments just for the memories, for the photos, for me and for our baby. Allowing disrespect and not punishing him for his actions because of it. With Christmas coming up I need to NOT try do the same! It’s going to be fucking hard, so fucking hard but he deserves nothing, he deserves no involvement and it’s time to make him pay for the evilness he has brought.

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Today I was weak..

Posted on by KerryLouise

But I need to not beat myself up. I had a conversation with him.. did I get out of it what I wanted? No not really. Did it make me feel any better? A little bit. I wish I could hate him, like really hate him but I just don’t. It’s normal to grieve a relationship but there’s something very different when your grieving from the traumatic events from a relationship from a narcissist. I heard again that he only went there because she was ‘being nice to him’ and I wasn’t. I found myself almost sympathising with that again.. no no I had to bring it back. Truth is I was only being nasty because I didn’t want to be with him anymore and he had his chance to leave and be with ‘someone nice’ but he continued to lie and try and deceive me. There’s no explanation for that. He apologised, he said it was killing him, that he missed me, that he ‘fucked up’. Truth is he’s only feeling these emotions now because it’s now affecting him. He didn’t give a shit when he was doing what he was doing or when he was denying me in front of the old bird. I knew she was older, she looked it. Makes a change he usually goes to teenagers, this time someone 13 years older than him. Poor cow. Apparently he told her he can’t do this anymore, that’ll be a lie. Either she’s saw some sense through her desperation or it hasn’t ended at all. I don’t believe a word he says. I told him I felt sorry for him, that he won’t find another me. That’s when he bought up our good times in a desperate attempt to say I wouldn’t find another him either. I told him straight though I’d rather be in a relationship where the sex wasn’t as good or the good times were not so fulfilling than continue with someone like him where the disrespect was rife! He tried to defend himself and say it wasn’t as bad recently as it has been but that’s only because he’s completely unaware on what level of respect a basic human being deserves let alone the mother of his child.

Relapse number 1. I can do this! Erase his thoughts from my mind, I can never ever EVER be with him again so just checking in to see that ‘he still cares’ is pointless!

Posted in DomesticAbuse, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum

Seeing things more clearly ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

I’ve had a good day and I’m even feeling ok about being alone tonight. I went into town earlier and I bought a few items. Crazy how just shopping can bring back nasty vile memories of the man I was insanely in love with.

Bin bags! Yes bin bags … I remember buying a cheaper brand and they weren’t very good. Despite explaining that he should put less rubbish in them, every single time he realised it was a crap bin bag I was blamed for buying cheap shit. Huffing and puffing and aggressive in nature whilst he spills rubbish all over the floor. Even if he wasn’t directly blaming me he sure as hell did a good job in indirectly making me feel like I had done something wrong yet again! Same with washing up gloves, they were thrown in the bin for being disgusting and he often told me I couldn’t wash up. I didn’t ever do it right. Then when the washing up built up he would scream out that clearly he’s the only one who ever washes up around here. Anything he could find to abuse me he would.

I also bought baby a pumpkin outfit for Halloween. It’s just a bit of fun. Last year I bought her a witch outfit, phoning her dad to tell him was never my intention to end in a row. I was screamed at for never listening to him and that his daughter can’t celebrate Halloween. He told me to get off his fucking phone and somehow the conversation developed into a slamming match regarding me not putting him on her birth certificate. A new mum excited about a little outfit I had bought ended in tears pain and anger. Everything that reminds me of him is literally poison. Any happy memory will also correlate with a bad one. Why did I put up with it so much??

I had a conversation with a graphic designer today, I am really excited about my book. I actually spoke to her about my situation without any tears. This is so positive. I am healing!

Posted in cheat, Deceit, Heart, Heartbreak, prison, prisonwives, relationship, relationships, singlemum, Strength, Uncategorized, Women

Tiny steps ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

After a lazy morning just blogging, merging my two blogs and reading over the old posts I’ve made I totally feel like Dominic should read them. Especially the ones of when he was inside. He could see how I was always saying ‘he was the one’ , how in love I was, how at times I was angry and got mad about the situation. I know he suffered but he needs to realise I did too!! 

I then made the mistake of reading over some of the letters he sent me whilst he was inside, it made me cry. Maybe it was all me, maybe I have completely fucked his love for me… but then I remind myself of all the love he’s still shown me since his release and even after I told him whilst he was still inside. It’s still there, it is definitely still there ! This blog may not show that love but remember people only tend to blog when things are going badly! 


The bit that gets to me is that he does talk of loyalty a lot. There’s many letters saying how he can’t share me, he talks of our children and how he’s going to let them know how their mummy is his queen. That word loyal , it stings me. It really does. I’m annoyed with myself for being as weak as I was. 


Throughout this year when we have been getting on he has admitted that I was always there for him mentally and that’s what was important. 



Then I read the above and realise, okay the other woman stuff may not have happened if I hadn’t off met that other guy but he still would have done all the other stuff. The cheating has only been the icing on the cake, the rest of the year was nothing to do with girls! 

I have a box full of letters like this. The letters only stopped when he managed to get hold of a mobile a lot more and he had it over night a lot. He forgets this and was last night screaming at how the emails stopped coming. How I went so long without visiting him, (genuinely due to money and work) and how he just knew something was up. I remember speaking to him loads on the phone, why would I send emails when we speak on the phone daily?! We had phone sex whenever he had the phone over night and he was still so amazingly loving even AFTER I told him about the little fling I had. Last night the anger and hate in his eyes devastated me thinking he literally couldn’t get over it but I’m adamant that all this love can’t just be dead and buried. 

I called him this evening as was expecting him. I told him we should leave it till tomorrow since he was running late and I had some friends to see. Progress! He was calling me baby and said how he’s been thinking about us all day. I briefly tell him about the blog posts and the letters. Once again he tells me he loves me and we can make it work. 

I didn’t call again, which is also progress for me. Often no contact is better than contact if he’s cold and distant on the phone so it makes sense. I try not to think too much about what he’s up too, even if he is with her, I know he’ll be thinking of me. 

In future I won’t be the one making any sexual advances or asking for a cuddle. I need to try and not bring ‘us’ up and just let him enjoy being with his daughter. Rather than talk about the bad stuff and where we went wrong which usually just annoys him and reminds him. I’ll let him enjoy his daughter and be a nice person to be around. He promised straight from work (again) and would bring a change of clothes so he can shower here. Then spend the whole evening with us. I must not kick of when that doesn’t happen, and certainly not have bloody sex with him!! 

If he doesn’t show, that’s when I will change my number. Changing my number would certainly make him happy too since he has asked repeatedly since we first met!! He mentioned today again how he wants me to get rid of any men I’m chatting too since he saw my WhatsApp yesterday. Bit rich considering he’s doing what he’s doing but I literally don’t want to give him anymore ammunition. 

Why the hell does he have me like this? I can’t imagine life without him. 😩 It’s bloody pathetic !!!!

Posted in baby, breastfeeding, life, Newborn, Parenting, pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, singlemum, Uncategorized, Women

My baby is 3 weeks old ! 

Posted on by KerryLouise

Today my baby is 3 weeks old , she is so alert and everyone who sees her can’t get over how beautiful she is. This makes me sad that her own father is missing out on this joy. 

I woke up feeling low again. More disappointed that he hasn’t attempted to find out how she is. Be how you like to me but your innocent baby doesn’t deserve this. I made a decision this morning to go and see his probation type officer person. She’s there to try get ex-offenders back in to work and keep them out of jail. I’ve always thought in the past she may be worth a visit but in fear of trying to protect him I decided against it. Now I’m not about to protect anyone but my children. He needs help, and I still care enough to try and get it for him. 

She was shocked, she got teary with me (as any mother /woman would) and told me she was going to have a very stern chat with him. She had obviously never seen this side to him and believes as I do that deep down the family we have is what he wants. He always made out to her that he was so happy with me and she believes that the cannabis and company he keeps is just ruining his life.

As the day went on and no phone call I continued to just feel lower. I had a couple of hours on my own in the evening and I couldn’t help it I had to call him. Not going to lie I was shocked when he admitted he was at her house but I remained calm and it didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would. After all I knew it anyway. He told me he was coming to see me, I told him that we should meet in a public place . Which is what we did. (If McDonalds car park in my car counts) 

I got a pep talk before I saw him from my sister and knew I had to remain calm. No tears, no anger and certainly no begging… just calm. 

I started by thanking him for finally being honest. I asked him if he loved her, he doesn’t (which I also know.) I asked him why on Wednesday was he still telling me we wasn’t over and why did he not show up after work?! His only response was how his head is fucked and realistically he needs to just be single for a while and sort himself out. When he finally looked me in my eyes he said ‘what the fuck am I doing man?!’ Anyone from the outside will think it’s all just a show but I know this is sincere. I know what our love is , I also know we have both hurt each other a lot and he even questioned whether just too much has happened that it will never be the same again. Maybe he’s right! 

My mistakes were bought up again and even things that I had done this week he blamed for his reasons for just ending up back there. He is INCAPABLE of accepting full responsibility for anything it’s crazy! 

Like I admitted yesterday , yes I hurt him bad but when I fell pregnant and even after that first scan where I admitted he may not be the father we BOTH made the decision to continue with the pregnancy. I reminded him of that this evening. It was my sorry to him, I went with what HE wanted to do and he’s just shit all over me. 

Yes talk is cheap and easy to say but I believe it when he says that he’s so ashamed for doing it when I was pregnant. He was all over the baby again and said how much he missed her. He was very pissed off with himself when he knew about her not gaining weight and promised he was going to be there for her and me more. We should be meeting at midday tomorrow, I need to make sure I don’t constantly ring him when he doesn’t show. If he fails to meet us that’s his fault. I’m STILL giving him the opportunity to be a dad to our baby and I shouldn’t need to mother him. 

He’s already cheated on his new ‘girlfriend’, since we kissed and he said how he needs to fuck her off. Fuck her off for us. He pleaded with me to help him get help and that he can’t do it on his own. I doubt he will tell her where to go, certainly not yet anyway. He isn’t strong enough for that but I know as each day goes on he will realise more and more what he wants. Yes I hate the thought of him with her but he had to think of me with someone else and he had to do that whilst stuck in a prison cell! So I need to just deal with it, accept we are separated for now and get the old me back. No stressing about what time he’s coming in, what he’s up to, whether he’s going to get arrested just concentrate on me and my girls. I am confident that he’ll be back, not so confident I will want him but I do like to think that some proper time apart could start that friendship back again. We had lost that, we have been so unkind to each other and we couldn’t go on this way. 

He blew kisses at me when he left the car and I do feel better. Even if he doesn’t do what he says at least I am in a better place. That is the main thing! I do hope that one day we can put all this behind us and do things properly but if we don’t then hey that’s ok too. Everything happens for a reason and realistically we should have separated months again (too hard being pregnant tho) and yes him seeing me as that confident happy fun Kerry he fell in love with will certainly mess with his emotions. In the meantime that dumb blonde can have him, I won’t feel any sympathy when he shits all over her .. cos he will! He most certainly will!! 

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Lonely This Christmas..

Posted on by KerryLouise

It’s easier than I thought it would be. Well the lead up has been. Being so busy has eased the pain but the worst is still to come. Merry Christmas Eve Eve so they say, not so sure what’s so merry about it. I struggled at the weekend and I had a horrible anxious feeling that something had gone wrong. Picturing the worst. What if he gets more time? Its so easy for someone not going through it to say ‘just move on’ … yeh sounds easy. Not when you are so in love with that person, I don’t want anyone else. Through all his faults, his criminal record and his prison sentence. Its him I want. No one else.

He just called, he misses me, can’t wait to see me, needed to hear my voice. These words never get boring. I am excited to see him tomorrow. Not how I expected my Christmas eve to be however.

This time last year we were all new, only met on the 16th December but we were pretty inseparable straight away. He stayed at mine on Christmas eve and then again Christmas day. I was still unsure about him however, his age, his intentions, was he just using me?, what did our future really hold? It’s ok to be cautious though.

I take from my blog 2 years ago. I think it’s safe to say I am happier now than I was two years ago.

Monday 24th December 2012

Feeling a bit solemn this evening, always the way after a night of heavy drinking. Even worse when you end up 45 minutes away from your hotel with two men who are completely unacceptable and have only had 1 text message from the person you are currently in love with all day. Now I say in love but we all know how quickly I fall.

It Christmas Eve and whilst I am sat here over thinking like EVERYTHING. I have time to explain whats been happening over the past few weeks, it may even help me actually see sense and realise I am completely over reacting right now.

I met D back on October 27th I was out for my best mates birthday in town. I had been to L’s the night before and to be honest I was pretty loved up. BUT after the way everything had been so rocky with him, I figured the fact an attractive bloke approaching me wanting my number without anything being forced upon that night, deserved my number at least. I was honest with him and said I had a boyfriend but then changed it to “seeing someone” which in my defence that’s what it had been. He sent his first message that night, I already knew he was from London and after him telling me I was gorgeous and hot, and that he had to approach me I asked him what he was doing in my town. He said “finding you” , I’d give him that, he knew what to say. I still wasn’t overly convinced I would ever meet him but it is always nice to have someone to text especially someone who thinks so highly of you. At the beginning I barely text him at all, I felt bad on L (my current ‘boyfriend’) and was also unsure on D. Not really my type, he is a black guy but hey they say there is a first for everything. I chatted to him quite a bit the next day, he made me smile and I was intrigued especially with L being so temperamental. I found out his age, the fact he has a little girl and we seemed to get on well. I did fall asleep on him though and I made the effort to text him the next morning explaining that.

Now this beginning of a long long story seems pretty pointless as he’s texting me this evening now. After me texting him at 3pm asking him to ring me when he can but not getting a phone call, this is what sent me into even more of a panic mode. Ridiculous really because when I do go over old messages him ignoring me is something that is not completely unnormal.

Since meeting him I have met up with him properly 5 times. With the first of the dates being on the Friday 16th November, the friday before my birthday. Far too tired to finish this now , but I am going to sleep convinced that he has just been busy this christmas weekend, I will see him again I am sure xxx

Present day

I was so completely in denial it is so embarrassing looking back. I was infatuated by him, he made me so weak. Convinced myself relationships didn’t need to be ‘whilrwind’ or be constantly living in each others pockets. Assumed our relationship would develop and grow into something amazing. The lust I had for him was unreal, I still think about him at times even now. This wasn’t real. What I have right now is real, we just have gates separating us. That won’t be for ever though. This time next year. He’ll be off tag and we can start to rebuild our lives.

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A week..

Posted on by KerryLouise

Doesn’t sound long does it? A week. If I was dredding a dentist appointment you could bet your bottom dollar that week would shoot round, waiting for a holiday it would no doubtably go slower and then a week away in the sun, well that just comes and goes in a flash. My last week however has felt like 2, possibly 3 weeks long. Its been a whole week since I have seen my gorgeous boy or even heard his voice, its real pain. Email him? I can’t even find the words to do that. My birthday does not only feel like a week ago, travelling down to see him with his cousin and friend feels like a distant memory. Why is time going so slow? 36 of these damn weeks left now. 36! 14 weeks down, we’re not even half way. Just as it begins to feel quite normal the realisation hits me once more. How will I survive? I am missing him so much I cannot even find the words to explain this empty numb feeling right now. Tiredness, both physically and mentally. Not making much sense. My uni books have not been opened. So much to catch up on. The shop opening will do me just right. Time needs to be structured better. I cannot let this built up emotion beat me and stop me from succeeding. My day at work was super busy but enjoyable, I have a good life, a very good life if only the man who I wanted to share it with hadn’t been ripped away from me.

Friday tomorrow, credit day, I need to hear his voice.

Miss him so much!!