Tag: stress

Posted in DomesticAbuse

It’s not fair

Posted on by KerryLouise

That’s all I’m feeling like this morning. If I still had his number I would call him again and say all this to him! But what’s the point! I had to delete it again yesterday. He’ll listen, agree and say he’s going to change his life around but it’s bullshit. He’s still dealing drugs now and if he really meant this ‘change’ he would of done something about it by now! He’s accepting that I’m single and accepting I’ll meet someone else but he’s still sure he will get me back one day. He is completely mistaken! He’s missing out on so much with his beautiful baby, where everyone was cooing over her at my nans party last night. He’s missed out already on so much. Watching her grow, being here in the mornings when she woke, family days we could of enjoyed that he always promised would happen. Even now with my birthday coming up he’s telling me what we can do for it. Talking to him is fuelling his narcissism with the fake promises and knowing I’m still addicted. It’s been hard though as my baby has been in hospital twice this week and maybe it’s an excuse but I’ve felt like he should know. Then Thursday he was begging and crying about how he felt so ill and needed somewhere warm to stay. He couldn’t stay at his brothers as he was having visitors and didn’t want to go to the trap yard. I wish I didn’t have a heart but I allowed it, he was really sick but he only has himself to blame. Luckily it done me a favour too as all his stuff has now gone! I had already packed it all for him so Friday morning it went. No more ties in that sense. This is good.

He has this warped illusion that he watched our baby loads. Reality vs his illusion are always very different. He caused immense amount of stress from being out all night dealing drugs. He’d be coming in at 12 then it would be 2 then sometimes 6. These times I would barely get any sleep for fear he would fall asleep and not ‘make it’ to use his words for failing to come see ‘babysit’ his daughter. No him, meant no work .. and that was an awful amount of stress to deal with! One Thursday I decided I wouldn’t tell him I had a meeting after work and then I got a puncture. He didn’t care I was stranded he just wanted me home because he had things to do. What a waste of space! He told me whilst I was waiting for help with my car that my behaviour meant he couldn’t look after our baby on the Friday. I showed him! I didn’t go home! I stayed at my nans that night, how dare he threaten my livelihood by using our daughter. He did that loads, I’d have nights out planned and he’d go from promising to be my sitter, to threatening me that he wouldn’t do it anymore, then dangling a carrot in front of me to being hours late. He really was truly hopeless. He made a comment about how much I have to pay for nursery and that is my own doing but he fails to remember the times above and the time I had to drive 70 miles purely for a babysitter because he had a ‘busy day.’ Remember this isn’t a man with a high flying job, this is a man who sells drugs and acts like a tool on the streets. He put that in front of his father duties. That’s the reality of it!

The way he was brought up has to take some of the blame. This man isn’t normal. It’s not that he doesn’t want a family, it’s not that he doesn’t want me either .. he just cannot get out of the shitty life he lives. He’s never in his life had a proper job that has lasted longer than a month, he’s 25! Not having any repercussions of his actions won’t ever change him and to be honest it’s too late now. It’s set in stone! He’s got away with it his whole life. When I was late home for my mum as a teenager my life wasn’t worth living and that’s how you learn boundaries. He continues to get away with it, continues to disrespect everyone he knows. Reading an old blog from when I was pregnant and remembering his mum saying if he doesn’t do the course she had booked him on to she would wipe her hands of him. Did he do it? No course not ! That wasn’t an isolated incident either and yet she still remains his bigger fan.

Still too much of my time is thinking about the shoulda woulda and couldas. I resent him so much for not sharing this time with me. I most probably will never have any more children and he’s ruined my last chance of ever feeling like a ‘proper’ family. I’ve been constantly this year trying to cling on to family moments just for the memories, for the photos, for me and for our baby. Allowing disrespect and not punishing him for his actions because of it. With Christmas coming up I need to NOT try do the same! It’s going to be fucking hard, so fucking hard but he deserves nothing, he deserves no involvement and it’s time to make him pay for the evilness he has brought.

Posted in DomesticAbuse

What a day!!!

Posted on by KerryLouise

Yesterday I had a down day. If I had his number still I would have rang him. Crazy how I still seek happiness from the very person who has destroyed me! I was super tired though and slept quite well.

Today I’ve had back to back appointments and then bumped into him in the supermarket in the evening!! Omg I wasn’t prepared! Of all the places to bump into a sofa surfer like him .. a bloody supermarket shopping for groceries with his equally as vile mate!

So this morning I had a visit from the domestic abuse team and it was good to talk. As much as I don’t like talk talk talking about it , I like talking to people who are in agreement with me and are knowledgeable about the area. ‘Yes domestic abuse’ and ‘yes that’s control.’ Without that and without my writing and reading I spiral again into wanting him. Missing him too!. Talking with professionals, reading books around the area and my writing is what reinforces in my mind that NO this has not been right and not been right EVER. To just say oh he calls me a slag, takes my house keys and is late home doesn’t really have the same effect unless you go into the full story. He really is a text book abusive man!

I then had a meeting with a life coach. Very interesting, he asked me when was the last time I felt truly happy. I couldn’t answer! I literally don’t know! I’ll speak more of this another day.

The afternoon I had something quite intense and emotionally draining to attend which I rather not go into at the moment maybe in the future when I am ready.

On the way home I pop into Asda to grab some milk, toilet roll, custard and sticky toffee pudding… you know essentials! First I see his mate, he went to smile at me, I looked at him cold. All I could think was ‘omg’ and I’m glad I looked good! Lol. I wanted to just get out the supermarket, then I saw him at the checkouts packing some shopping! Shit!! I got to self service and scanned my 4 items quickly hoping he didn’t see me with my back to him. I add my 5p bag and start packing. Then he’s there!!! ‘No need to jump’ he said. I’m feeling anxious, scared almost… scared of my mind and the manipulation. He’s soft and kind. Asking me when can we talk, what is there to talk about?! Lots he says, I want to say sorry. I tell him that he’s said sorry and ask him what is he sorry for. I want to know, I want to hear him say it. Hear him admit to the abuse he’s done and the trauma he’s caused me. He’s putting his hand on my waist. What is he doing??? He’s in my personal space. He tells me that I’m looking well, ‘I know’ I say. I had to be strong, he asks when can he see baby, asks me to ring him so we can talk, asks what I’m doing weekend. I explain he needs to go through social worker and I’m out all weekend. Gosh he won’t like that, he has no control on that one!!

I’m gutted. Wish it never came to this. Wish it never never got so bad. Blame myself again, maybe if I placed more boundaries or wasn’t so accessible every time he did me wrong. Maybe if we had just had a break, like a proper one. Months maybe years. I need to focus! It’s not my fault, and a man like him won’t ever change!

Posted in DomesticAbuse, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum

Seeing things more clearly ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

I’ve had a good day and I’m even feeling ok about being alone tonight. I went into town earlier and I bought a few items. Crazy how just shopping can bring back nasty vile memories of the man I was insanely in love with.

Bin bags! Yes bin bags … I remember buying a cheaper brand and they weren’t very good. Despite explaining that he should put less rubbish in them, every single time he realised it was a crap bin bag I was blamed for buying cheap shit. Huffing and puffing and aggressive in nature whilst he spills rubbish all over the floor. Even if he wasn’t directly blaming me he sure as hell did a good job in indirectly making me feel like I had done something wrong yet again! Same with washing up gloves, they were thrown in the bin for being disgusting and he often told me I couldn’t wash up. I didn’t ever do it right. Then when the washing up built up he would scream out that clearly he’s the only one who ever washes up around here. Anything he could find to abuse me he would.

I also bought baby a pumpkin outfit for Halloween. It’s just a bit of fun. Last year I bought her a witch outfit, phoning her dad to tell him was never my intention to end in a row. I was screamed at for never listening to him and that his daughter can’t celebrate Halloween. He told me to get off his fucking phone and somehow the conversation developed into a slamming match regarding me not putting him on her birth certificate. A new mum excited about a little outfit I had bought ended in tears pain and anger. Everything that reminds me of him is literally poison. Any happy memory will also correlate with a bad one. Why did I put up with it so much??

I had a conversation with a graphic designer today, I am really excited about my book. I actually spoke to her about my situation without any tears. This is so positive. I am healing!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

I didn’t want it to end this way

Posted on by KerryLouise

Yesterday was awful, it was a day I wish to never experience again. There was so much that happened that it didn’t feel like my life, it felt like a film or an episode of a soap. So many emotions and still so much trauma. I say it didn’t feel like my life but this is a feeling I have felt repeatedly for the past 3 years. Right from my then much loved boyfriend being arrested in my bedroom to now where I want him to be arrested for everything he has put me through.

Due to the domestic violence incidents back in the early part of the year both my children were placed on a child protection plan. Now I can honestly say,  with other professionals in agreement that Social Services have failed. They have been useless, considering the severity of what this plan actually means it has had absolutely no benefit or positive impact on my life. I engaged with them, I was honest, I cried and begged for help and even wrote a letter of complaint. It was all pointless. Potentially if the incidents were few and far between I wouldn’t have been so honest, maybe if it wasn’t as unlivable as it was then I would have continued to keep it a secret. If I was financially dependent on him that would have made it even more impossible to act and stand up. The truth is I have been strong, I know that now. Even at times when I feel so weak I take a moment and feel worry for how many women (and men) are out there who are experiencing all this which is really making them unhappy. I am strong because I spoke up and I am making it stop….. finally!

The child protection conference was held yesterday morning and I made the decision that I did not want to attend. I wrote my statement and stuck to my word. I had a court hearing in the afternoon anyway which was much more important than some poxy conference with an inadequate social services team. I was informed that the meeting did not go ahead, Dominic showed with his mother and spent 45 minutes talking with the chair. The meeting was postponed due to ‘differences in stories’ … I was furious!! Fucking furious!! I know that him and his mother would have sat there and made out all this was my fault. Spineless bastards! His mother TOTALLY knows what he is like, she heard him herself just a few weeks ago when he found out I was going to Ibiza. She has even said to me in the past ‘how did you end up with a man like him?!’ It made me SICK to think of the lies and manipulation that would have happened in that room. I think his mother thinks men like him are normal, she needs to wake the fuck up. “Your son even abuses you!” Failing to turn up when he says he will! It isn’t normal behaviour and I feel sorry for his sister. She will end up with a man just like him because no one is teaching her the severity of his behaviour! The chair even made a comment that I would not get the injunction and was vocal about how no one can stop Dominic from seeing his daughter!! All I could think of was… “How have I spent months being told by health professionals that I have been a victim of domestic abuse and defending him, to now defending myself and having to prove that this has been the case!! I turned my tears into determination. I will make sure he pays for everything he has done to me.

His mother is a disgrace to women! Standing by a man who she KNOWS has treated me so bad. She’s heard his words, seen my bruises, heard the stories and even been dumbfounded how someone like me can end up with someone like him. She turned up at my work, calling me a liar, adamant she wanted her possessions! How shameful is that more interested in a few designer jeans than her own granddaughter. She is upset with my blog it seems. Well I won’t stop telling my story and I will not be bullied into anything ANYMORE!! Maybe she should look close to home and realise if she raised him correct he wouldn’t be dealing drugs, carrying knives and abusing women!

I went to court and the judge was satisfied with my statement that a full no contact order should be granted. My worries of it not being granted were diminished. I felt relieved.

Him and his mum showed their true colours on the phone to my daughters nursery. Twisting things, trying to manipulate her, doing exactly what he does to me everyday of my life. The nursery now have their own opinion and it isn’t as simple as them ‘believing a woman over a man.’ Like they were accusing. They will fuck themselves on their own and I know that now!

Before his mum showing up I was feeling sad about it coming to this. I know I had taken more than enough but I still wished I could have done more to stop it getting so final. So nasty. So bitter! But he deserves it boy he deserves it!! Today just highlighted that this really is the only way!!

Posted in alone, baby, cheat, Company, Diet, DomesticAbuse, Heart, Heartbreak, intimate, life, Lonely, love, Mistakes, mother, Parenting, pregnancy, pregnant, relationship, relationships, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum

A day without crying ? 

Posted on by KerryLouise

I woke up yesterday with a sickness bug. I hate being sick. I hate it even more when I have no one around me to take care of me. It made me feel emotional, I couldn’t believe it was now entering the fourth day without contact with the ex. How was he feeling?! Does he even care? I knew he was probably playing the victim, even in his own head, guaranteed he’s still got it inside him that it’s all my fault. ‘What kind of woman gets his man locked?’ He’ll be asking.  I cast my mind back to the number of times he would just attack me with words about how I bet I would do that too him. I’m that type of girl, I’m low like that. Back then I never would, he just went TOO far. 

I did call him today from my mums phone, I know how his mind works and he’ll just be building up more hate for me if I don’t attempt contact. If I call him and ask when he wants his clothes he can’t blame me for not having them can he? He admitted he had tried to call me, used someone else’s phone and had been to the flat, that made me feel better. I asked him if I should take his clothes to that girls work place, he snapped back ‘why should you?’ He said he wasn’t staying there, last time he admitted he was staying with his new girlfriend so I have no reason to doubt him. Or do I ?! To be honest it is unlikely, unless she really is a desperate needy slag. Alarm bells would certainly ring to me if he was suddenly needing to be there all the time, despite him telling her he lives at his grandmas oh and not to mention the lies he told her even about his name. Anyway who cares, even if she doesn’t know now she’ll work it out herself. 

I asked him if he was happy, he said ‘do I sound happy?!’ I asked him if he’s missed me and he said ‘yeh I have.’ I didn’t tell him I missed him, I wasn’t going to give him that satisfaction. I felt better after the call, and I feel good this morning. 

I felt a bit low when I got in from my dads last night. I told them how I got myself in a cycle where he was the one to make me feel so low and drill me into the ground but I relied on him to bring me back up again. I hate it when I miss him, because I only miss the small amounts of time it was good. I need to remember the times I felt sick when I didn’t know where he was, the anxiousness I would feel when I worry whether he’s going to show up or not. The anger I would get when his phone was off or he wouldn’t answer the calls. The disrespectfulness when he would tell me to get off his line, tell me I was a fucking dickhead, a fucking prick, a slag. He would scream at me how I wasn’t a real woman, how I made him sick to his bones, more recently how I was dead to him and how he could get any girl he wanted, where as I was old with two kids. When I was pregnant he would tell me he feels sorry for his daughter having a mother like me, how I’m constantly stressing out his daughter and I’m a mess. I could go on but it’s not necessary, this stuff is enough. 

He always manipulated everything so it was always some how my fault. We would plan a night out, a meal and some time together. He would cause an argument and tell me this was the reason he never wanted to be around me, how I was boring and I bring it all on my self. I feel sick when I look back at times when he clearly went off with that other girl and realistically god knows how many girls there has been. He’s an animal and he’s vile and I am proud in myself that I can finally see everything he has done to me was never my fault. I justified his actions so many times and I can honestly say even if he shows me change I will never ever get over what he’s done to me. Destroyed me, abused me and trampled all over me during a time when I needed a man. A real man. 

I am out tonight, he said he would show up today to get some clothes. I hope he doesn’t, the buzzer is still on private and I’ll try go out this afternoon. My gorgeous princess slept from 9:30pm – 6am and right now she’s happily sat in her chair talking to herself. I’m the real winner, I have so much love in my daughters and my whole life ahead of me. What the hell does he have?! 

I reckon I can go the whole of today with no tears and I really cannot wait to go out tonight. 

Posted in pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, Uncategorized

40 days to go! 

Posted on by KerryLouise

Mood: Irritable as hell 

Seriously I’ve been in a foul mood today! Foul! The boyfriend doesn’t help because he rises to it, and makes it worse. Why can’t he just understand that days like today .. ‘I’m allowed to be this way!’ Courtney was a good girl all day, it’s just the evening she becomes a bit much sometimes and I am out of breath with the amount of times I’ve screamed at her to tidy her room! 

The boy did start the painting and I didn’t even have to say anything, only had the paint 3 weeks like. I did moan at him for using my brand new towel to kneel on though and also pointed out the paint on the floor. I wish I could bite my tongue and not interfere but I can’t help it. But with me and him it’s fire with fire , instead of him saying ‘sorry babe here’s your towel’ and ‘the paint won’t stay there I’ll get it up’ it’s ‘I’ll just buy a new towel’ and ‘it’s straight enough’ ‘the floor is dirty anyway’ and ‘I don’t have to do this you know.’ 

Just accept I’m heavily pregnant, accept I’m going to moan and we can all just get on with it. I’m also a woman… It’s inevitable we will get involved! 

I also do not know HOW many times I’ve explained to him what ‘Rennie’ is … Ok I buy morrisons own indigestion tablets (cheaper) so it doesn’t actually say Rennie on the packet but neither do the Co Co Pops in my kitchen. Aldi own brand have some other name for them, but we all still call them Co Co Pops right ?! OK this all sounds so stupid but it’s bloody infuriating when he acts stupid and can’t pass me a pissing indigestion tablet without a row!! Especially since I get through about 6 a day sometimes more !! 

Motivation for anything has been lacked today. I need to get to the post office. Register the business. Start my independent project and complete a training document for a volunteer role. I only left the house to take Courtney to her swimming lesson and that was a mission. The walk used to take me 5 minutes now it’s closer to 15 and it’s hell!! I should get back on my iron tablets. Only myself to blame. 

When Courtney is in bed and the boyfriend is at work I finally feel peace … I enjoy ‘Me’ time.