Category: DomesticAbuse

Posted in Abuse, relationships, DomesticAbuse, Girltalk, Healing from Domestic Abuse, Heartbreak, Singlemum

You couldn’t write this stuff!

Posted on by KerryLouise

If you’ve been following my story you will know I was successful in getting a Non Molestation Order on my ex back in October 2017. He was served the order beginning of November and it was serving his purpose as he moved away and left me alone… fully.

On 20th November we had our return date which he turned up for, was all sorry and puppy dog eyes. Made me feel sorry for him and guilty again for ‘letting it get this far.’ He managed to get inside my head for a while before I met with my solicitor. My solicitor (who by the way I had never met before) was a timid character and I felt wasn’t a strong enough person to be representing someone like me! As soon as I met with her she handed me a letter claiming it was from his partner, my heart dropped like .. wtf he had just spent 20 minutes telling me he was gutted and wanted me back. How was this happening! She questioned ‘have you read it?’ .. course I bloody hadn’t! Why was this only just given to me now? With little compassion or regard for my feelings. Don’t these people realise the words on paper is still abuse. Not only from him but some woman who thinks she knows him. How dare some one write those things about me and get away with it. Telling a woman she wasn’t abused is wrong! No one else can say another woman was not abused, especially someone who claims she was abused herself. Disgraceful! I think it’s obvious to a human being how I would react let alone a family law solicitor! Yes this prompted me to approach him but let’s not forget he came up to me first, my solicitor couldn’t handle him, security blamed me pretty much (because he used me engaging with him to his advantage) and despite him doing everything he could to talk to me, no one did ANYTHING not really. My solicitor just said ‘stop looking at my client’ and when he made out he hadn’t seen said woman who wrote the letter for 6 weeks she flustered around looking at the name of who wrote it and clearly knew she was out of her depth when we were shouting across the court waiting area at one another. Finally when we got into the court room, I couldn’t stop crying. I felt sorry for him again, he appealed because he hadn’t received my original position statement (another failure from my solicitor) and the magistrates agreed he had a right to get some legal advice. So there we were, another date booked. I was gutted.

The no contact continued, bar one phone call I made to him that evening (after all he handed me his number on a scrap bit of paper) and I tried to put it to the back of my mind AGAIN. I was told when I rang my solicitors on the 8th December (return hearing was 15th) that he had not got his return statement in as requested by the 8th but the hearing had been put back to 15th January! I felt relieved but again the communication was terrible, the letter explaining court had been postponed was not received until AFTER the date so without me calling them I would not of known. They then continued to write to me asking for proof of why certain amounts had gone into my account. I’m not talking big figures here, it’s amount of £10 from my mate and £200 from my employer (which were expenses). They also want my mortgage statement, despite me repeatedly telling them I don’t have access to these due to being massively in arrears (I’ll explain another time) no one wants to help. I decided I didn’t care anyway, I would represent myself and the threats of being liable for legal costs did not scare me.

15th January came, I spent time debating whether to show at all but decided I could and I would. I was strong enough to represent myself and I could handle it. However, I was not expecting what once again I would be faced with. This time TWO statements from my ex. These were worse than I could ever have imagined, the worst lies someone could say about someone else and yet I had to just read them and have my heart broken even more. It was evil, vile and cruel. Yet again I found myself having to defend reality and fight with someone who rewrites history so negatively. As time went on I couldn’t shake it, it hung over me for weeks and no matter how many times I said ‘it’s laughable’, it really really isn’t. Someone who I had had a baby with and loved so very much saying these things is not funny… it’s abuse. The court once again adjourned the hearing and I left the court knowing it wasn’t over!

Now brings me to the present day. Today I had the court order from the 15th January forwarded to me (now is the 16th February), the email stated they wasn’t sure if I had received it already. This is my solicitor by the way, how is that acceptable? Clearly I didn’t have it. Not only did I not have the order but did not know I had to return my position statement back to the court by the 12th! I’m too late! So I have no chance to defend myself, no chance to prove everything he said about me was lies, I’m not a prostitute. I am not addicted to cocaine and I am not addicted to sadomasochism! The court asked for professional statements too, again I didn’t know this was an option to defend myself. The court order is also riddled with spelling mistakes ‘earing’ instead of hearing for example. Awful!

On the other hand, the court won’t care he lied. There are no repercussions or consequences for someone telling such viscous lies. How is that ok? It’s swept under a carpet and men (and women) can continue all over the country just make up lies in a desperate attempt that they stick, and they do! Women are losing their children to lies from these narcissistic men and it’s disgusting!

I’ve come to realise, dealing with someone like my ex you have to JUST be strong yourself. As long as mentally I am strong I have to do this on my own.

As previously blogged we’ve had recent contact. He got into my home whilst I was sleeping to beg and say sorry. Call the police? What’s the point?! Tell the courts?! Again no point! Yes a NMO May stand but he will fight for his daughter, I know this and with a NMO in place how can that be done amicably. It will be full of negativity, contact books and contact centres. Judges are awarding these men more contact than they deserve and if I fight I know what him and his family are capable of. I am TIRED. I have no faith, that the system will help me. He will use his daughter anyway he can especially if it’s to hurt me and I just can not bare to lose her. I read stories all the time, mother being hostile to contact and accused of causing emotional abuse on the child and residency is awarded to father. Even if that didn’t happen, him and his family would poison her sweet little innocent mind I just know it. We’ve seen what they are all capable of. Fathers for justice? Give me strength.

Currently he’s accepting everything, admits and ‘feels ashamed’ about how he’s treated me. He holds his hands up to all the abuse and states he would do anything to take it away. Questions his life and asks himself daily ‘what the hell was I doing?’ Of course it could all be words but the point is … it’s amicable. He isn’t abusing me, I carry on through court he will abuse me. He will!

So… so far so good. I am strong. I do not want him back. He dreams of a future all together but I know I’m not that person anymore. Potentially the non molestation order served it purpose but that’s all it could do. No contact for over 3 months was enough for me to get a clear head and realise my worth. Like really realise it.

I’m still scarred, at times we talk and I will turn bitter and bring up scenarios that happened and question how he’s even human. I tell him he deserves to be in jail for the way he treated me and in some ways I’m finding talking to him therapeutic. Hearing him apologise and accept it… accept it all. I then wonder … is he a narcissist? Narcissists never accept or take blame not really. Maybe he will change… but it’s too late for me. Far too late.

Xxx

Posted in baby, Diet, DomesticAbuse, exercise, Heartbreak, Journey, Recovering from abuse, relationship, Singlemum, weightloss

“Lovebombing”

Posted on by KerryLouise

There was a post from a lady on one of the domestic abuse groups I’m in. I could so relate “I’ve told him it’s over, but he’s in prison and he’s ringing me telling me he loves me and he will change.” Been there done that! The way the do it is soooo convincing. Every bloody time I genuinely thought well this time is different because of this this and that. It’s crazy insane when I look back.

Throughout my relationship with my babies father I was so confused as to why he made out so badly that he loved me. Couldn’t let me go. After every vile row, every promise he broke, every time he disappeared and every time he cheated. Even the last time I saw him at court! He acted so sincere, so desperate, so scared, so so in love, he seemed angry with himself and he made me feel incredibly loved. Everyone on the post was saying “he’s love bombing you” and the descriptions of lovebombing repeated throughout.

It’s a manipulation tactic to make you feel charmed, loved and a way to reel you back in. It’s their way to hook you. When they lovebomb it’s virtually impossible to not get sucked back in. It was like a drug. I always described it as an alcoholic having a bottle of vodka screaming saying ‘drink me’, it was like far too easy to get sucked back. My head would be screaming no but my body doing differently.

I genuinely believed him. More recently when he was in my presence I loved him, believed him, (apart from when he was shouting at me) but my head would be screaming ‘no he’s lying’, ‘he’s done this before’ but I was given no choice. All four women I outed him on, even before me finding out and he would swear. He would be so convincing, he would lovebomb me to the point where I would question my own integrity, my own sanity and have no choice but to just ‘go with it’ then as soon as he left again, I hated him. I didn’t believe him. I didn’t trust him AT ALL. This time round he seemed even more bothered that I didn’t believe him, so of course that sent my mind in overdrive some more. When all the time he was lying, lying so well and so coldly. A narcissist never feels guilty about his lies but only turns them back round on you. “Bet you’re happy now you can open your dirty legs to the men in your phone” and “what did you expect” and oh his favourite “all I know is if you hadn’t of wronged me when you was in jail I would have given you my world.”

I went on a long walk today and still so many vivid scenarios in my head. The lovebombing, then the lies being revealed, they go over and over. I get angry, I feel pure anger. It’s awful. I still wonder what he’s thinking and what’s going through his head. I’m sure he doesn’t feel bad for how he’s treated me, or how he’s destroyed every bone in my body, no course not. Asshole.

Anyway aside from my long walk and the bad feelings, I’ve had a good day. I got my nails done, bought some new items and chilled with friends in the evening. My daily glads!

I’m glad my nails look so nice with the heat colour changing nail polish.

I’m glad my Timberlands were £122 from £175

I’m glad I chose my daughter some trainers and they were also reduced when I paid for them

I’m glad my eldest daughter now has a phone after a bad person stole hers

Posted in alone, baby, Challenge, DomesticAbuse, exercise, Fitness, Girltalk, Heart, Heartbreak, Holiday, Journey, Marathon, Recovering from abuse, relationships, Singlemum, Strength, training

Oops I did it again …

Posted on by KerryLouise

…. I signed up to the half marathon in September! This time no one can get in the way of my training. It did actually pop into my head earlier about how unreliable he was.

“Baby I got you, were a team, you are my world. 100% I will be there in the morning so you can go gym. I promise you. On my life. Fully supporting you. Have faith in me man’ , morning came no sign of him. ‘yeh so what, I overslept, I can’t help it when I do the job I do my body just shuts down. I didn’t ask it too. It’s hard work you know.’ Suddenly his promise from the night before does not hold for anything, he turns aggressive and angry that anyone would dare question why he has gone back on his promise. This damages his ego, he is no longer the person he was making out to be the night before! This is a form of abuse, it’s power play, he gets someone fully reliant on him and then has no regard for that person. This complete lack of respect and control made me feel so damaged. He is an asshole. He is an abuser.

Good! Right! Needed to remind myself of them after I had just seen pics of our baby with him on our holiday. Although he was an asshole there too. I’m so tired though so will talk about that tomorrow.

So yes! Half a marathon!! It’s on. I did day 2 of the training programme app and actually hit 16,000 steps on my fit bit for the first time in months!!

I aim for a big walk tomorrow.

Watch this space

Xx

Posted in Diet, DomesticAbuse, exercise, Fitness, Girltalk, Heart, Heartbreak, Journey, life, Lonely, love, Recovering from abuse, relationships, Singlemum, weightloss, Women

What ifs ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

Once again I fell asleep in the evening and have woke up feeling meh. I’ve been awake an hour and I’ve just been feeling really negative. So I need to switch that up! The negatives is of course him, and also the thinking of ‘what ifs’. I would never ever wish my daughter away, I literally cannot even describe my love for the 2 baby girls I have sleeping in the room next to me. BUT when you’ve been all through I have it’s hard to not think about how different things could have been. These two do make it all worth it though.

He was literally so disgusting to me pregnant, so so vile. The asshole took all my beautiful experience away from me because he was wrapped up in his own fuckery. I hate him for that. I doubt I will have anymore children and he ruined it! I never ever ever want to be that vulnerable again, that person again. I look back and see me pregnant, see me holding my new baby and I can feel the pain I was feeling. I can still feel it all. How fucking dare he make me feel like that. When I think like that I wish nothing more than him to just disappear forever. I never want to ever see his disgusting self again. EVER!

However my promise to myself in 2018 was to do my “daily glads” especially if I am feeling low….

I am glad for what he put me through as I won’t ever stand for ANYTHING like it ever again.

I am glad that I have my beautiful charming sweet funny baby girl and her amazing kind big sister

I am glad I got to the gym today and operation “be the best version of me” is on

I am glad I got to speak to M even though his battery died, he listens to all my feelings and in fact encourages me to speak

I am glad for POF 😂 – I met M on there and also a new guy I have been speaking too.

I am glad for my job, which with only 2 days in I have hit half my target for the month.

I am glad for the extension uni gave me for my assignments

I am glad for being me- no really I am!

The new guy I have been talking too is a personal trainer, he told me I am very critical of myself but also understands why that is. However I did tell him that I was the same before I met my ex, he believes he can help change that. He tells me I am stunning, he even watched my Facebook live video (and I looked hideous ha). I am quite interested in where this one is going to go, however I must not read too much into anything. I have learnt you can’t trust anyone however I shouldn’t shut people out or write them off as liars and narcissists just yet. He knows what I have been through so that makes a difference, I think. I hope! I’ve been speaking to a woman who has had a very similar experience as me and she said the new guy she is seeing is very supportive so there is hope.

I took photos today of myself. I want my toned self back 💪🏼

Posted in alone, DomesticAbuse, exercise, Fitness, Recovering from abuse, Singlemum, Strength, Weight, weightloss, Women

Back to reality!

Posted on by KerryLouise

Omg it hurt. It was dark when I woke, and I felt so tired all day. I have won at no caffeine ✅ but my steps are low – less than 5,000 ! Bad! I need to get back to loving the gym. It’s hard when it’s so dark, and so so cold.

I have not eaten any complex carbs either, for the second day but I need to be stricter. I stepped on the scales. 9 bloody pounds! Gross! I have to get focused and look like 2015 me! Although my dude from Saturday night told me he thinks I look better now, more meat apparently. But oh well, I don’t like it. Saying that, and being shocked at 9lbs, I don’t feel that huge and my pics from New Year’s Eve I’ve been told I looked hot soooo it could be worse.

I want my fitness back. Summer 2018 I will feel amazing! 👌🏼

I wanted to talk today about the stigma that is attached to single mums and also when women are judged for using their ‘child as a weapon.’ Someone shared an article today, this individual is a man who is very pro ‘men should see their children,’ his experience has prompted his business to help others. Which is great but sometimes there is a good reason children do not see their fathers and it certainly isn’t because the mother is being an asshole. I saw that exact comment

‘I hate my ex but I’m not an asshole, children are people not possessions to withhold and play with.’ I did write a comment but deleted it, it isn’t worth the confrontation.

I have had a disagreement with this man before over the same thing so he knows my views. I also read how difficult the courts are on men, funny how another group I’m in is highlighting how bad the courts are in supporting men who have been a perpetrator of domestic violence. If only life was so black and white.

I will hold my hands up I encourage my ex to seek legal advice for contact (on recommendations of social services), I would love nothing more than to him to just leave us alone. I have considered a contact centre but with provisions which he can’t stick too.

A father is important yes but an article stating that single parent families children are more likely to end up in prison, pregnant early, low IQ and some other crap is a load of shit. Well with my daughters father in her life she’ll be more damaged than without. He abuses me in front of her, makes promises to her he already can’t keep, carries drugs and weapons, he’s unstable and not well, so tell me what benefit would he be for my beautiful daughter. Also let’s not forget, the chances he’s had to be in her life but chose to cheat, not come home when he said he would and deal drugs. His 2 week paternity leave was a joke! He was barely here and I was recovering from a c-section! What a complete fucking arsehole, I hate him!

It was hard leaving my baby today. She got so used to being with mummy at home she cried hard and put her arms out to come with me. It brought a tear to my eyes. Being a working mum has its challenges. I love and look forward to picking her up each day, and I used to just never understand how her dad could go as long as he did without seeing her even though he COULD! He chose to do those things I mentioned rather than be a family.

He won’t be kicking himself though because narcissists never reflect. They are incapable of looking back over what they have done wrong. They live for the now, and blame everyone else and that’s difficult for someone like me to accept.

All I want is a real sorry, a genuine sorry and him to admit what HE’S done!

Posted in DomesticAbuse, Fitness, Journey, Parenting, Singlemum, Women

Preparation, plan, focus!

Posted on by KerryLouise

I’ve only just started writing in my 2018 diary, transferring the stuff over from my old one to my new one. Today hasn’t been as structured as I would have liked. I slept until late and before I knew it it was 2pm. I have applied for an extension on my essays, I’m hoping I have good grounds what with the non-molestation order and everything else. That being said I still need to read the designated reading! Get focused!

My exercise has hit my goal – over 8,000 steps ✅ and no caffeine ✅. I enjoyed a peppermint tea and water!

My book is taking a back seat for a while. I have written 20,000 words and I am now moving on to the chapters about spotting red flags, how to get out and how the process afterwards. I have wrote 3 pages of notes since last night which I will go back to when I feel ready to write again. Today I have had more women reach out to me, oh and including one on New Year’s Eve in my Facebook group. I did a ‘introduce me’ thread and it’s crazy how much is so so similar, especially around the infidelity, love triangles and gaslighting.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is SUCH a big topic. My experiences of being in a relationship with one is never ending, and I also want to write in a way that keeps readers engaged to the end. Shorter blogs are better, I know many of mine are far too long.

I have had an angry day today. Realising I can’t claim on my insurance for the phone he definitely lost or the phone I suspect he stolen. My poor daughter loses out because of him. Luckily her dad has a phone I just need to get the screen fixed so that calmed me down slightly. Let’s remember what is going on here, emotions are crazy anyway after a break up of a relationship, let alone when the break up is with someone who is a narcissist. I am thankful for the no contact, it does make things 1000x easier.

One thing that no contact does do, is give you a big slap of realisation. Realising exactly how much he did, how much he controlled, how evil and vile he really was. This is hard to accept and deal with. I loved this man, I loved him with all my heart and soul. I think back to, or read back on my blogs and in the past his letters too from when he was in jail. Tiny steps .. was fooled, he got me exactly where he wanted me, my judgement was so so wrong and recognising this makes me angry some more. How dare he do all he’s done to me. How dare he. I find myself revisiting points in my life and remember thinking I knew what was going on but now I question every single thing he ever said to me. All the desperate lies, the projection and lack of regard for my feelings at all. All this trauma is stupidly hard to deal with.

Again even the reasons why it’s so hard after is a massive subject so I will do a little bit each day. It will help with my time management too.

Ok I must read a chapter from my EU law book, try for an early night as tomorrow is going to hurt getting up at 7am 😩😩

Posted in Diet, DomesticAbuse, Heartbreak, sex, Singlemum, weightloss, Women

My 2018 New Years Resolutions

Posted on by KerryLouise

So here we are 1st January 2018, a fun night was had and today as been a major ‘not giving a damn day.’ (I haven’t even brushed my hair)

Anyways I aim to set some resolutions and to make me accountable I am listing them in this blog.

  • Cut out caffeine/Drink more water – I know how good doing these simple things make me feel. I also know by doing these things I am less likely to eat crap. I also will have more energy, my skin will look better and I will stop the binge eating. Mad how just a herbal tea changes my whole mindset.
  • Move more – Since I have been working my exercise has dropped dramatically. I am aiming for 8,000 steps a day at least. Currently most days I only do around 2,000 which is terrible and far from the fitness level I was. I would love to get back into running too so I aim to actually get my arse to the gym.
  • Read more – Now I have my iPad with kindle back and still a load of unread books all for personal development I really want to read more. I may set my self mini tasks daily but of course my business law masters reading should take precedence. However the books I have are very important since it is all about healing from abuse.
  • Spend money more wisely – I do waste a lot of money and I am very carefree at times (until the last week before pay day). I will just monitor it better.
  • Write a book – we’ll finish it. Aiming for end of March!
  • Blog more and be more open about my experience – This I’ve been doing well since October anyway but I want to make sure this continues. Increase my audience, with the ultimate goal being to help and inspire other women to really say ‘I mean it this time’. Also increase my Facebook likes on my Page and grow the support Group also. I will also be super honest with everything, no matter how shameful it is.

So there we have it. My aims and goals for 2018. I also have the masters that I am doing and my job that I love, that I am super dedicated to the business development side. So all round it’s a positive bloody beginning to a year.

On a personal level too I really want to date more. My friend spoke about this to me before, explaining how fun it is and I should just do it. It will be part of the healing process but right now I am just communicating with men who are in theory ‘safe’ as we have history. So men that I know. M is obviously not going anywhere but I still feel like that’s a dangerous game, I am falling for him again. Doh! Or is it just because he’s being so nice to me? We actually laugh loads on the phone and he’s helping this process by making me more aware of how badly I was treated and also giving me faith that there is someone else out there. I did see an old flame on Saturday night, he’s one I met out over 4 years ago now. He’s also the same guy who I went with just before my ex was released from jail! That was as good as it always was with him. Again this is great for healing. I was so obsessed with the man who was abusing me and always said he was the best I ever had. Truth is it began to not feel that way! Sharing my body with him, my mind was constantly reminding me how truly awful he had been and I stopped fancying him as much as I did. Being around someone who is incredibly sexy, has never ill treated me, openly tells me how he’ll never forget that first night we met amongst other things to boost my ego and knows what he’s doing made the night 100x better!

So to finish, 2018 I will no longer be obsessed with my ex. The beginning of 2017 I was so sure I did not want anyone else, so adamant I just could never move on, not even sure I could ever kiss another man. I then started believing I would never love anyone as much as him and I would never connect so well sexually with another either but the past 4 weeks I’ve realised that also isn’t true.

I will love again and I will find a loving healthy relationship… when the time is right 😊

Posted in DomesticAbuse, Heartbreak, Parenting, Singlemum, Women

Goodbye 2017 ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

I know that New year New me stuff can be seen as a cliche, but for me this year … It is definitely more than that.

I say goodbye to 2017 feeling pretty darn positive. I literally have 6 dresses to decide from, my beautiful daughters by my side, I will be spending the evening with some of my favourite people and of course a drink or two. What more could a girl ask for?

I learnt a lot this year. I am no longer ashamed about what has happened. Disappointed yes, but not ashamed. The past four years of my life haven’t felt like mine, none of it should have happened to a girl like me. I have of course blamed myself for letting it but the truth is anything can happen to anyone and nothing will ever prepare you.

So 2018 is my new journey. Healing and over coming the events I have endured. Using the pain and turning such a big negative into a positive. My mind is filled with positivity and I have so many ideas I may explode! I know I’ll still have bad days, I know this journey isn’t over yet but …

…. 2018 I am so ready!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

As good a time as any!

Posted on by KerryLouise

Gosh I am shattered. My sleep is all out of sync and I have eaten enough the past couple of days to feed a family of 4. Usually people wait till the1st January to do things they have planned to do different in the new year but time is of the essence I will say especially when I have 2 essays to be in by the 8th January. Argh !

Ok so since getting my iPad for Christmas that I bought for myself I have done a lot of work on my book. The Facebook group is pretty active and since I only started it on the 18th December I am proud that women are already finding support from however I need to do those bloody essays. I wonder if I have taken too much on, and when I was writing my book and put how I am no way trained on the subject of domestic abuse it is all based on my experiences and educating myself on it. I thought hmm maybe there is a course out there too. But no no, not yet… I need to finish my masters first!

So on the morning of the 28th December 2017 I am starting my New Years resolutions now or changes. I will call them changes.

  • Move more – since starting my job my average Fitbit steps have gone down from 15,000 to about 1,500. This isn’t me, I enjoy exercise and love the feeling of my body feeling fit. I will get into that gym too!
  • Eat more healthily – this is so important for my mind space and levels of energy to concentrate and focus
  • Manage my time better – this is important. Less time on social media (although some is needed as I’m building relationships and gaining trust) but it needs to be more structured.
  • Daily glads – I will do this everyday as per Taz Thornton’s book ‘unleash your awesome’. I will list 5 things at least of what I am glad for of that day.
  • Money – I will spend it more wisely

And with all this I will change my life in 2018!!

Oh and every evening I will blog. Even if it is just a paragraph.. it’s important for my accountability !

Enjoy xx

Posted in Abuse, relationships, alone, baby, DomesticAbuse, relationship, relationships, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum, Strength

Monday 25th December 2017

Posted on by KerryLouise

It’s only another day really and to be honest I have coped quite well. I am not looking forward to my eldest going to her dads in a bit but I do feel super tired so hopefully I just sleep. M will probably ring me so that does help but I’ve not been feeling good about that situation recently. He’s being nice, a tad erratic at times though and he doesn’t always think before he speaks but his heart is in the right place. He text me earlier too to say merry Christmas and when he knew I was going out Friday he text then too. Other times he just calls. He’s not right for me. I need to break the cycle of falling for emotionally unavailable or just simply unavailable because of where they are men!

My mind has been going over drive again of course! I feel sick about how happy I felt Christmas Day morning, how in love I felt, despite the ill treatment the two evenings prior! I was so under his spell it is scary! Christmas Day evening and he was so nasty, played with my emotions telling me he would just go out as ‘no point being here.’ All because I had been waiting around for him all day and his mum decided it was too late to go by the time HE has finished doing his drug dealing duties. It was all my fault once again. Obviously I later found out he had been cheating on me too so that deceit is hard to get over. I hate him.

I tell you something it is so so hard to even describe his actions this time last year. Nothing I ever said was right, he was moody, he was nasty, cruel and evil at times. He then made me feel amazing and protected and in love at other times, this would be in the space of a few hours. Constant state of confusion. Everything had to be on his terms, he would fight me for my phone, deny till he was blue in the face there was no one else but just turn it all back round on me. It was around this time I self harmed, I took a knife to my own arm to just get him to shut up with his torture. His words were torture. Being called a slag, being told I begged for it when his cousin sexually assaulted me and that I was always the problem.

Promising someone you are coming home and then disappearing is emotional abuse. His mother normalises it and so he has absolutely no idea about respect. He wouldn’t even be sorry! I would have been up all night, I still feel that feeling now. Telling me that I make him sick is emotional abuse. Kicking off because I wouldn’t have sex in his sisters bed in front of my 2 awake children is emotional abuse. Why did I allow this all to happen and it would be me apologising to him! Begging him to come home. He is truly mentally ill. To treat another human being the way he did me is not ok and it is not right and more importantly now it is illegal!

His sister watched on whilst he just kept going on and on and on and on at me whilst I just stared at myself in the mirror crying my eyes out looking at my still slightly plump figure! My baby was only 3 months old, I look back in time at me! I can see me, crying, hurt, broken and so so confused. I want to inject me with self worth, I want to tell me that I was never ever ever the problem, it was always him. A waste of space drug dealing cheating vile human that even comparing him to the devil is mild.

I spent today glad I don’t have him number. I would call him if I could! I’m feeling like this a lot recently, I want to hurt him the way he has me. I feel so bitter, something I never ever wanted, something that actually by not wanting to be, kept me under his nasty spell some more. But I am bitter and I do want to see him hurt. I want to hear him cry, cry out that deafening heart breaking cry that he inflicted on me so many times. Yet could just walk out and go and sleep easily next to some other girl. Doing that to a pregnant woman or one with a newborn is deranged and I will not EVER EVER forget.

However going in to self pity is just what he does. Poor him, dealt drugs because his dad wasn’t around type of person. God the crap he would come out with. I won’t do that, I will turn my bad experience with the lowlife scum into something very very fucking positive.

Watch me look the best I have ever done in 2018, watch me be successful in my job, watch me publish a book, watch me do great at uni and watch me meet a man who treats me better than he ever fucking could.

I won’t forget that when I found out about his 4th and final affair he said ‘she’s just a distraction, she means nothing, I know you, you’ll meet someone and do it properly’ sounding desperate and scared at the thought! YES I FUCKING WILL. No doubt it’ll just send you further into your own pity party and as a defence mechanism be crying out ‘she never loved me anyway.’ Well unfortunately for you. I did, I fucking did!!