Category: DomesticAbuse

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Never good enough

Posted on by KerryLouise

…this is how I feel. This is how I felt pre abuse too. People like me are like gold mines for people like him. Low self esteem, low self worth, easy to get entangled inside our minds.

I’ve had no iPhone all week and now it’s gone off for repair. I have a replacement now and oh my life it took security and a half to get it back sorted with all my stuff.

Having no phone has been pretty disastrous on my mental space. No distractions, no communications just my own thoughts. Why did he do that stuff to me? Why is he still denying the severity of it? I know just know I shouldn’t be thinking like this but I cannot shake it at all.

I’m almost adamant that my ‘date’ if I can even call it that will cancel today. I assumed I would have at least a snap from him when I got my phone back but no. I should stick to my guns, he’s already pushed my boundaries enough. He’s been rude at times, and he clearly no longer feels the same way as when we first spoke back in jan through to March. I agreed to meet him as I really want this conversation face to face but it’s making me uneasy. Even if he does come, he’s going to hurt me, going to lose interest it is inevitable.

I didn’t start today in a good place (well yesterday considering it’s now 5 in the morning). My baby was up during the previous night and when she gets on one boy she screams so bad! I swear the neighbours think I must be doing all sorts. I even got paranoid thinking next door called the police on me! People doubting I am a good mum. Once I stopped trying to leave her in her cot she was wide awake and giggling and saying ‘mumma ‘ … melts me!

Then my eldest had barely any pack up for school because she ate it night before, and went to school without her Christmas jumper all things I felt bad for. 2018 will be about organisation and that goes for my eldest daughter too.

Finally spoke to M he was concerned as my phone had been off. My mind is telling me today to stop being a fool he’s only talking to me because he’s in jail and got no one else. I’m also telling my self that despite the young one having personal issues I still fell for a lot of bullshit there too and that needs to be cut off. I need to work on this as it will only keep happening. My head is not good today, I’m questioning all the recent friendships I’ve made. What’s their alternative motive? It can’t be the reasons they are saying.

I am going to try and sleep some more and hope I wake in a better mood.

Posted in baby, Beauty, book, DomesticAbuse, life, Lonely, Mistakes, Parenting, Singlemum, Strength, Women

Too much wasted time

Posted on by KerryLouise

Self development is so important and I realise that more and more everyday. No matter the industry you work in you should always do a bit of personal development. A networking meeting I went to this morning spoke of this and also a few other areas that I really want to apply in my life more.

I already write to do lists but I should do it for my personal tasks too. I have had no iphone since Tuesday yet I still haven’t managed to do the things I really need to get a move on in doing. Luckily I have fixed my laptop so writing my essays won’t be a problem in that sense, but I need to bloody write them. It’s mad how having no phone panicked me when it shut down, but it has been quite nice too. I was mostly concerned about M, he would try and call and wonder where I was. Tonight, being Thursday I swapped my sim to my work phone and he called. He was concerned bless him, but I also had a text message from the police.

I feel sick. It is so mad to think about how much determination I have in making my abuser pay for what he has done, but even then that slight connection I had with him again tonight has chipped away a bit at my strength. I feel sad he is missing out on our beautiful happy bright baby girl but at the same time where the fuck was he when I wanted him there. Often he chose another girls bed over being with us or I don’t know what is worse a trap yard. The times I NEEDED him, when I was recovering from a c-section, or the times I had mastitis and was so poorly but still made sure our baby was fed. A baby could have been the making of him, getting released from jail could have been. I HATE that I want to know what happened between him and the letter writer. Maybe she saw sense? Maybe he showed his true colours quickly? He was never bothered about her, just a new game for him to get at me some more! SICK AND CRUEL!

When I feel like I am doing the wrong thing I must remind my self of everything, the sleepless nights, the feeling that me and this innocent beautiful baby wasn’t enough, the times I begged and cried for him to be a father. What about the times he made me look stupid crazy and pathetic in front of whatever new fling he had. WHAT FUCKING ARSEHOLE! The way that made me feel, the man I had devoted so much of my life too could treat me like that. He deserves nothing. Like nothing.

I wasted enough time with him, I waste too much time thinking about him and I waste far too much time doing things that have absolutely no benefit to me at all.

Focus! Focus! Focus! I wish I didn’t care. I need to do me!

Posted in Abuse, relationships, alone, baby, Birth story, Challenge, DomesticAbuse, Heart, Heartbreak, Mistakes, mother, Parenting, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum

They do more harm than good…

Posted on by KerryLouise

… in some situations.

Like I don’t want to knock the whole service as I completely understand how over stretched and over worked they are but in my case and for my family they have done absolutely nothing. They have been completely no benefit at all.

Social Services!

The scary thing is I spoke up, I was honest, I admitted how unhappy I was. Showed them bruises and was very open to the fact he came and went as he pleased. Yet I still was drowning and being ignored. As much as he and his family (now say) think that his actions were acceptable it completely is not. What kind of stability is that for a child. When he let me down, he let them down too. When he disappeared and was uncontactable, he did that to them too. What kind of man does that let alone a father! One that genuinely believes it is ok and has been taught that it is ok that’s who. Looking back at the 100’s, yes 100’s of times he either came late, or not at all, he literally angers me so much. Who taught him basic human respect because he certainly does not have any. He wasn’t just late, he tormented me with it too. So so cruel, would either sweet talk me and say he would make it up to me (still waiting), shout and scream at me for even daring to question his wear abouts, would simply tell me ‘something came up and to stop over-reacting’, threaten that if I carried on he wouldn’t come home at all. He loved me crying and begging him, loved it! If he promised to come round (more recently) and I said ‘not tonight’ simply because I was not up for his lateness games he screamed some more. Accused me of having someone else, told me that this is why he didn’t treat me good and he isn’t going to bother even trying. Sometimes he would tell me he was on his way and not come at all. If you don’t think that that is emotional abuse then there is something deeply wrong with you too! It’s disgusting, someone so desperate as a new mum like I was and he thought it ok to treat me like that. He’s an animal. I feel angry today. I want to scream at him, scream at his mother too and put that dumb letter writing bitch in her place. All these thoughts still going on in my head, how do I get past it? When do I get closure?

I’m waiting for my social worker. I haven’t seen her in a month. She needs to follow protocols and procedures which when my children are on plan purely because of witnessing his behaviour then what are ad-hoc visits going to achieve? As I said I even utilised my visits by telling her what was going on and STILL nothing moved forward. There has never been any concerns of the welfare of my children other than when it came to him. They can’t see their mummy with bruises on her face, or upset and anxious, or experiencing him not coming when he says he would (this is all in the report). They need peace and love and support. Him dealing drugs and answering drug calls in front of them or telling me stories of him getting beat up. Who will they come after next? Exactly why his mother sent him to Northampton. It’s dangerous for drug dealers and the loved ones too. He didn’t care though, he just thought he was putting in the work ready for a future (whilst shagging about in the process). I literally never thought I could have so much hate for him and I do. But with hate comes love (he used to say that) and it’s true. I loved him SO much. He made me so weak, I would have done anything for him. All I wanted was a good honest future for him. I knew he had a good heart and I repeatedly let him disrespect me in the hope we could be a family. Be in love! Fucking prick, shoved it back in my face all the time. Made me feel worthless, and for that I hate him!

I don’t dislike my social worker I just think she’s pointless. I also find it slightly difficult as right now she is my only connection with my ex. Technically it’s a breach as it is indirect contact. I am itching to know though. He is living in London, that was confirmed. Obviously him and his new ‘partner’ are going strong then! Highlights completely how much I fucking did for him here, without my home he has nothing here. Shame he didn’t ever appreciate it. He asked for contact with his daughter, he has asked to pass on presents. Presents I am ok with, the contact makes me feel nervous. It would be so easy to bump into him, I’ll listen to his sorrys. To me he’ll say what I want to hear and act like he admits the ill treatment. I asked the social worker ‘is he even sorry, or just sorry for himself.’ She confirmed just sorry for himself, still adamant I am making it out to be lot worse than it was.

ADMIT IT YOU ASSHOLE. ADMIT IT!!! No one gets to decide how he made me feel only me!

 

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Make a difference

Posted on by KerryLouise

It was always going to be difficult and I think I got a little complacent believing that I was pretty much there, these last couple of days I feel like I have gone backwards a little bit. I am struggling to talk about it without being tearful and he is filling too much of my headspace once again.

I feel angry at the system, angry at the so called support for women like me and all I want is to make a change, really make a difference.

This is the reality I am the the center piece, then you have multiple agencies around me who are meant to be my support. BULLSHIT!

My solicitors barely communicate with me, I understand the Legal Aid agency need further info from me but I didn’t even receive a reply to the emails I sent. To then be told on the phone it wasn’t enough evidence once I called a week later. They don’t care about my mental health, they feel it acceptable to tell me I could be liable to costs already accrued and I may have to represent myself in court. They fail to understand that I owe 60k to a mortgage company, so get in line they will struggle to get a penny! That being said I must not let them get my back up, I’m just a number to them, I’m just money. They felt it ok to hand me that letter at a very inappropriate time and did not care in the slightest how that affected my mental health the weeks after. They are not my friends, they are not my support, but they got me the non-molestation order in place so I guess that I can be thankful for. They shouldn’t have supported the adjournment though and the fact my ex has failed to submit his statement in his defense by the given time (which I knew would happen) should mean he has his appeal rejected. Luckily Court has been postponed until January due to staff issues basically. I am glad, I am not strong enough to see him again yet. Which leads me on to my next point, I think requiring I’m there is simply awful. Being in the same room as him is literally so damaging. I can’t hear him talk, I feel sorry for him, I believe he is sorry. I want to hold him and tell him everything is going to be ok. I feel the guilty one for letting it get this far. If I had better boundaries, if I was stronger… I could go on!

I remember back in July believing I would only get away when he just lost interest and didn’t want me anymore. I felt THAT trapped I genuinely thought I had to wait for that day. I mentioned before that I even considered ‘cheating’ but I knew that wouldn’t work. The only way was and still is NO CONTACT.

Social services have been in our lives since January. Since the first incident I made known to the police. The lady from my eldest daughters primary school said today she believes that the fact my children were placed on a child protection plan back in March it gave me the push I needed. It didn’t, it did nothing. In my eyes I was so so so far away from having my children removed it wasn’t a concern to me at all. My social worker conducted visits I spoke of the ill treatment, even showed her my bruises and nothing was done. She advised I called the police but I felt so ashamed as I had gone to the police already 4 times, twice made full statements and then retracted them. The 3rd and 4th time I just wanted it recorded. What could the police do? I was so uneducated on the subject I thought common assault was the best he’d get and the police didn’t say no different. It’s me who has educated myself, yes the bruises are a chargeable offense but so is everything else. All elements of the abuse I became a victim too. The law change in December 2015 is not used enough, hardly any convictions in 2 years, professional bodies need more training on it and I am going to make sure that happens. I have a voice, I always have. I was talking but not being heard.

What about the women who don’t talk, who don’t have bruises? Who talks for them ??

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Working on me

Posted on by KerryLouise

Obviously the meme is a joke but I do really need to get myself back in the gym! Realistically it will probably be new year now but I am going to focus on making small changes until then.

When I go through all that stress I barely eat then when I feel relatively content again I eat! Not eating I feel slim then I bloat and yes typical the night before a night out I feel FAT!

I have recently be receiving an insane amount of compliments regarding my physical appearance. ‘Gorgeous’ ‘stunning’ ‘amazing.’ It does feel very nice and it feels even better coming from people who are not fake, not a fraud and do not want anything from me. I should use this as more reason to focus on getting myself in the best possible shape. Be the best version of me that is possible.

Exercise! What’s that? I used to be such a keen gym goer and I was in great shape. I need that back!

My baby has suffered again with a perforated ear drum. Her nursery called me at 1:30pm today and I had no choice but to leave work. It’s hard for a working mother to juggle everything but luckily my work are very understanding. Poor little soul, apparently she was screaming like mad. When I picked her up she was in great spirits but that’s what happens. Once its burst then they feel better. She is so beautiful, I am so blessed to have her.

Today my ex was meant to produce a statement to my solicitors in response to mine. The fact they haven’t called me does not necessarily mean he hasn’t done it. Legal aid is great but it isn’t the best at the same time. I’m having issues with proving I qualify for legal aid due to my mortgage and the more I think about the more I think they were completely in the wrong for even showing me that letter from the interfering loser. It was very insensitive and considering my state of mind after 22 months of abuse it wasn’t exactly helpful. That being said, it was helpful as without knowing that I would have eventually allowed contact between my daughter and the monster. In a contact centre though of course.

My eldest daughter is having 1-2-1 work with an agency who help children that have witnessed domestic violence. Both to her and our social worker she has said that she is happy she is not seeing my ex anymore. She expressed her concerns that she is worried he will hurt her mummy again and she is finally opening up about things she has witnessed. So proud of her, yet I am ashamed I allowed it to happen for so long. If my ex’s ‘fans’ choose to believe I’m a liar and ‘making it up’ then believe a 9 year old. Why would she lie?

I have chips in the oven and then I really must eat better!

Posted in DomesticAbuse, Mistakes, mother, relationship, relationships, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum, Strength

She set her boundaries and rebuilt her life

Posted on by KerryLouise

A week on Monday I am presenting my presentation on boundaries to a group of fellow networkers. I’ve distanced myself from reading all about narcissism and abuse for a few days. It got too much, and I felt I was reliving too much of the abuse. He’s an abusive man there are no two ways about it I didn’t need to keep finding proof of that.

I’ve been in a better place recently. Like mentioned before realising more and more how a person should be treated by a sexual partner or even a close friend. It’s mad how much I put up with and how much I justified and considered normal.

I’ve been preparing my presentation and the more I am away and out of the abuse I can literally tick the majority of any lists that are about abuse available. Like the Stuff that is considered as emotional abuse and not just awful vile name calling.

• living in your home, and not contributing to the bills (boy yes. Always promised money but withheld it when I did something wrong)

• damaging your property – punching walls/smashing phones (3 holes in my wall and 3 phones)

• serial cheating and then blaming you for doing so (ALWAYS)

• threatening to cheat when sex is denied (he would tell me ‘you think I need your dead sex anyway’)

• cheating to prove that they are more desired than you are & telling you you will never find better (I can picture him now touching his face , saying how handsome he was and how I was old and ‘past it’)

• attempting to control what you wear – YES I have a voice recording of evidence of this

• Sexual coercion !!

~ making you feel like you owe them

~ continue to pressure you after you say no

~ playing on the fact you’re in a relationship – ‘if I don’t get sex from you I’ll get it elsewhere’ and his favourite ‘what a joke, can’t even get sex from my own woman’ oh and ‘you just can’t keep up with me’

~ trying to normalise their sexual expectations ‘I need it, I’m a man’

~ reacting negatively with sadness, anger or resentment if you say no or don’t immediately agree

This was all taken from an American domestic violence website. There were obviously many more abusive traits I just kept ticking off in my head. An abusive man to the very core, and for so so long I didn’t see it! I remember feeling mad with my old health visitor ‘he’s controlling’, she told me! I got my back up, convinced myself he wasn’t as I was allowed to go about my business. But the truth is ALL these things are about control, controlling the way I feel about myself, respect myself, things I do! I could go on, but I have a lot in this blog already.

I’m so excited about my presentation and I have booked in 5 more slots for next year around the East Midlands area. I will talk about these personal boundaries and then also the boundaries business owners should have. With that it links with my work and what my services are whilst networking.

We have court again next week, I feel petrified. I am also worried I won’t have even sorted legal aid in that time due to the fact I am giving up my mortgage. I shall not worry myself, it isn’t something I can change. However what I can remind myself is that I am now in control. I now have boundaries in place. I’ve evidenced that within new relationships (I use the word relationship loosely) but I know what it is to be respected now and what not to put up with. Lack of consideration for my feelings, ignoring blatant questions I have asked, anything verbally abusive, making me feel anyway other than content … then no! He’s got to go!

Posted in Abuse, relationships, DomesticAbuse, Heartbreak, Journey, life, Mistakes, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum, Strength

A Queen will always turn pain into power

Posted on by KerryLouise

I can’t even explain how good it feels to not have that constant awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. It was wearing me down, wearing me down so bad.

Imagine hearing the bull shit I love you’s whilst still being disrespected and still hoping for the man to step up and be a father. I think about where he might be and I don’t care. Trap yard no doubt or with the ‘partner’ he denied and also disrespected. Having no contact completely was literally the only way. The longer it goes on the clearer I see. He wasn’t letting me go for shit, despite what any bullshit he tells anyone else he was not!! Constantly promising me a dream and should I deny that dream abused me some more.

Reading my old blogs from pregnancy, even BEFORE I found out about ANY infidelity I wrote about how I couldn’t forgive him. This post back in September 2016 9 days to gooooo ! When I didn’t even realise I was being abused. All that nice him is an abusers trait called ‘love bombing’ or ‘hoovering’ . I will do a chapter on that in my book. July 2016 1st July ! Another post where I’m clearly so miserable and so unhappy. All because of him. I don’t want to be bitter but I dislike him to my core. Love pfft, I love the dream he faked, the promises he never kept. I pity his pathetic existence on this earth, so young yet so evil.

It all really shows how unhappy I was. I wasn’t even fully honest, so scared of what people would say! If I ever see him again it will be too soon. I’m so fucking proud of myself. Look at me, look what I’ve achieved! I allowed some low life abusive asshole shadow my life. Treat me so poorly, made me believe I was worthless and deserved it. Wrong mate! Wrong!

My distraction agreed to see me last night after his night out since I wanted to go to my friends instead. After I had to convince him that I would wake up, I began feeling anxious he wouldn’t come. He text saying ‘can’t wait to see you’, I felt uneasy and remembered times my abuser did that and then didn’t show. He didn’t do that though, that’s because he actually respects other people. He isn’t a narcissist sociopath like my ex, he’s sweet, caring and just a shame he’s a little young 🤭

The pain that has been caused by my ex is unmeasurable. I just knew that one day I would find that inner strength from somewhere. I kinda hoped I could get to a stage where I was not affected by his cold unpleasant words and actions. Hoping I could break free naturally without the need of court intervention but like even his mother said, if I waited until he no longer wanted me. No longer wanted to control me, I could be waiting forever. I remember that talk she had with me, ‘I had the strength and I just know you have it too.’ Funny how now she has accused me of ‘making it all up’. There is something VERY wrong with people like her!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Painful buzz

Posted on by KerryLouise

I love that that awful anxious feeling has gone. I love that I can walk around with a smile on my face feeling genuinely happy. I love that I can focus on the future and I love that Christmas isn’t filling me with dread.

However I still of course get upset when I remember certain things. I had some more of my tattoo today. I love it, it symbolises me, it symbolises a strong woman and it gives me one hell of a buzz. Often the buzz I craved from the toxic shite I got from my abuser, this is a much better way to reach a high.

Had a great evening with my friend. She’s on her own and got a baby too. She’s in a fab place too and it’s an amazing journey we have both been on. Strong independent women just raising strong independent girls. I had made arrangements to see the boy but my friends always come first. Especially since he admitted he is actually in fact only 21. Good Lord! My abuser used to tell me I was old and ‘past it’. How he could get anyone he liked but I’d struggle. Hilarious how he went for older than me and I found myself with younger. Whoops!

Spoke with M again. I hate that every phone call I find myself mentioning my ex. I guess it is like therapy though. Today we spoke of the day I was admitted into hospital before labour. He couldn’t believe that he made me walk to the hospital, didn’t stay with me and that’s without all the verbal abuse I got on the way. It was 30 odd degrees and I was struggling to walk. He made it very obvious he didn’t want to walk with me and walked ahead whilst I was struggling following him. He would stop and roll his eyes, I think I said something like ‘you don’t have to come you know.’ That was then his invite to call me a prick. I can’t even remember the full conversation but I remember just feeling so embarrassed in front of his brother. So embarrassed that I was so heavily pregnant and he could treat me like that. His brother actually stuck up for me. Then whilst I waited at the hospital I was on my own. I actually justified it by saying ‘didn’t make sense us both waiting’ but I would have wanted nothing more than him to have been there. He wasn’t committed to me when I got admitted either, thank God for my friends. When I look back I actually FUCKING HATE HIM!! He abused me so bad I remember crying so much, whilst he told me how I made him sick. I just kept looking in his eyes whilst he spewed this venom at me. All because one of my friends was there that he didn’t like. Well he wasn’t!? I then remember treading on eggshells after this so worried he would storm out. Storm out and not be there for me. Even before I was in labour he moaned chronic about how hot the hospital was, every other bed had their partner by it all day. Not me! Not me! When he had arrived the doctor pulled me to one side and I asked if I even wanted him there. ‘Of course’ I smiled ‘He’s being great!’

Anyway I’m really getting myself upset now thinking about him and my experience. I’m glad when I distance myself I remember and realise. This isn’t a normal way a man should treat anyone let alone their heavily pregnant girlfriend. When I found out about his affair I believed this was all a defence mechanism because he felt bad. LOL! No! He’s just an asshole.

If I never see him again it will be too soon! I am so happy that it genuinely hasn’t taken long for me to see! See that I fell in love with the fake him, I fell in love with the fake dreams he promised and also felt so strongly about being a single mum to a 2nd child. This last week has shown me that no one judges me at all about my past, no future man who means anything will care. If anything will just hold me tighter and make sure I never experience such vile treatment ever again.

Posted in Abuse, relationships, DomesticAbuse, Heartbreak, relationship, Singlemum, Women

Starting to feel at peace

Posted on by KerryLouise

There has been times where I have dredded the weekends. Even when he was half in my life, the chaos and loneliness was mad. I definitely felt more lonely when he was in my life than now he isn’t. I speak to M on the phone every evening and I have another for company too. I don’t always NEED someone with me but communication with the outside world is always nice, rather than an asshole promising you his time, then bailing out last minute or even worse ignoring you when it suits him. Even when he did stick to his word it never happened without drama, without his phone going off as he was needed to go deal drugs or he’d be rude and nasty to me. Abusers like him will treat you bad then expect no backlash from that, expect it to just be taken and then use the emotions he’s created against you. If I felt let down, lonely or sad there was never any responsibility taken by him (only fake when it suited him) there was just more fake promises, more emotional torture and a feeling of ‘never fucking getting out!’ I used to tell him he was pushing me to meet someone else, I of course was a slag and a dirty whore. It’s ok when he uses the reverse as an excuse for his infidelity ‘she was nice to me’ ‘you pushed me to it.’ Double standards ALWAYS! On the other hand he would try and promise that it was all coming to an end and when he was done with the streets he would come back. Never let me go. Treat me like the queen I deserved. Always unrealistic dreams, I was living a nightmare.

More recently it’s became apparent he has stolen my daughters phone. What a disgusting human. There is literally no other explanation. She did not take it out the house and the last time we saw it was 29th September 2017! His birthday , he was here the night before and before I left the house he caused a scene because his mobile had been misplaced. Of course it was everyone else’s fault, and tried hard to not let me leave until it was found. Gosh he was so fucking vile in every way, shape and form. A nice evening spoilt because he misplaced his phone! In fact I say nice evening but I actually remember him being so late. I kept telling him to not bother coming but he begged me, put the ‘I want to wake up with you all on my birthday’ card on me. Despite being late he was very affectionate and loving that evening (weird since I had just got back from Ibiza.) Anyway since then we’ve searched everywhere in this flat. It’s not here. I did ask him when we were communicating between getting the order and the order being served and of course he said ‘baby I promise you.’ But I don’t believe him, he’s just a scumbag thief as well as a violent abusive drug dealer. So I will replace my daughters phone. The 3rd one I’ve replaced the 5th one he’s interfered with in the space of 18 months! 3 smashed up, 1 ‘accidentally lost’ (despite me telling him to not let it leave my flat) and now this 1 suspected theft! Yuck! What an awful human! Never again!

The more I speak to M the more I realise how abusive he really was. M opened up to me about how I had hurt him when I went to Ibiza and did what I did with another man. There was no name calling, no hitting, no nothing in fact he just went quiet on me. My abuser over used my actions whilst he was in prison, over used to the max and felt that worthy of the most venomous words and actions. Why did I believe I deserved it all? He had a choice! I told him whilst he was still behind bars what I had done, he still came out 3 months later telling me it was ok and he wanted me. Telling me he even understood! He should have left, not abused me for 22 months!

I also remember how me and M would have disagreements. Differences in opinions are ok, it NEVER ever EVER ended by him bad mouthing me or undermining me or making me feel like I was going crazy. I am realising more and more how I actually got so so used to being called a Dickhead (that was his favourite one). Used to being tied up in knots and verbally abused repeatedly until I felt worthless and unloved. Used to being called bruv, slag or how I made him sick. None of this is normal. Too much I took, and I tell you something I won’t EVER be disrespected like that by a man ever again.

I’ve had a real positive weak. Looks like from next year myself and 3 other very inspirational women will be coming together to form a group to put a stop to abuse. We also what to provide services for women (and men) who don’t think they can leave. Who need support, as currently what is on offer is inadequate. If it wasn’t for my work and the people I was meeting I’d still be in it now. That’s a given!

I had a moment yesterday thinking about his ‘partners’ letter. You know the partner he calls a mistake to me. The partner he has denied since I found out. The partner who is completely deluded and thinks I’m just a bitter ex. The partner who thinks everything I’ve put in my blog is a lie. I came to realise that so fucking what. She’s irrelevant, one person who has known him for a few months whilst being his ‘side chick’ has no fucking idea. If she wants to lay down next to a man who deals drugs, has no job, carries a knife, hits women, cheats on her (cos he has already) and take him into her home for no financial gain then go for it love. The day I found her number there was another girl he was texting too ‘want to go for a drink!’ LOL so laughable!

I have new interest now, something I thought I would never ever do! I thought I would ALWAYS want him, ALWAYS crave that nice side of him. I thought I could never ever love someone the way I did him. So desperate for him to just act fucking right. I’m healing, I will never allow him to touch me ever again for as long as I live. If a man doesn’t respect me, he isn’t having my body SIMPLE AS THAT!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Moving forward

Posted on by KerryLouise

I actually feel genuinely quite scared at the thought of entering into another proper relationship. I go from thinking ‘I can take this attention and I’ll just go back to the old me’ to ‘no fucking way stay the hell away!!’

I guess this is why I’m enjoying talking to M so much. He’s completely unattainable, I know him and he isn’t actually going anywhere. I joke around with him. We laugh so much. I can rant about my day and he’ll listen and he is nice to me. He told me he has love for me and cares, typical him, that’s what he always used to say before. All showing me exactly what was wrong with my abuser.

Back in January after my abuser cheated the second time I started talking to a man. We spoke daily. I was going out for my long walks and he was my walking buddy. We never met up, something obviously always holding me back. I wonder what that was! But we spoke a lot, when my abuser was due to come out of jail he admitted that I did something to him that drove him crazy. He wanted to get to know me and meet me. It was then I had to tell him I was giving it another shot with my baby’s father. I later regretted doing this and in July I text him saying that I had fucked up with him. He actually told me he would be there should it go wrong but he understood and didn’t want to get between a family. I thought about him quite a bit in that time after this. He would never have treated me that way and I was so annoyed I thought I was doing the right thing.

I did send a few conversation starters and I got the hint that he wasn’t into me anymore. Who could blame him tho?! However very oddly the day after all this kicked off he snapped me saying ‘how are you?’ My heart skipped a beat, it felt so nice someone asking me how I was and being genuine and I liked it even more so that it was him. Since then we’ve spoke a bit. We’ve laid our cards out on the table and obviously he’s expressed his concerns that he’s just second best. I told him how I understood but I didn’t want him involved in all my shit! I’ve at times thought we were going to move forward. He’s said how he actually wants to get to know me, spend time with me but then saying he’s on his own journey too. Anyway I got a bit upset when it didn’t amount to anything. Thank God we hadn’t got deeper involved, that’s all I would have needed.

Like I’ve said before I don’t struggle to meet men. It really isn’t hard in this day and age but I also knew with my abuser still in my life it literally was not worth it. It could have potentially been so dangerous. I had spoken to a few but when it came to meeting them I panicked. Thought about my repercussions. A friend said to me ‘if you really wanted to get away you would have told him you had slept with someone else.’ If only it was that easy. If only I thought that THAT would have actually got him to leave me alone. Course not. I cheated on him when in jail. I told him baby potentially couldn’t have been his. I called the police on him. He served time in jail because I went to the police on him. I had flowers bought for me. He saw conversations with men on my phone. He knew I emailed another man in prison. NOTHING would get him to leave it would only fuel more control, more hate, more anger and more bruises.

The longer I’ve had this non molestation order served on him the more I realise it was my ONLY way to stop the level of control he had.

Anyway recently I’ve been talking to another man. He actually let me open to him about my past and he’s been nothing but supportive. He’s young, I’m not looking for anything serious but it’s fun. Again being in his presence only highlighted even more how much I do not ever want my abuser again. I actually got to the point I didn’t even want to kiss my abuser, always constantly thinking about all his nasty cruel ways and level of disrespect. It didn’t give me the same love and warmth it always did before.

They do say to get over someone get under someone else and so far that’s working. 🤭