Category: baby

Posted in baby, Diet, DomesticAbuse, exercise, Heartbreak, Journey, Recovering from abuse, relationship, Singlemum, weightloss

“Lovebombing”

Posted on by KerryLouise

There was a post from a lady on one of the domestic abuse groups I’m in. I could so relate “I’ve told him it’s over, but he’s in prison and he’s ringing me telling me he loves me and he will change.” Been there done that! The way the do it is soooo convincing. Every bloody time I genuinely thought well this time is different because of this this and that. It’s crazy insane when I look back.

Throughout my relationship with my babies father I was so confused as to why he made out so badly that he loved me. Couldn’t let me go. After every vile row, every promise he broke, every time he disappeared and every time he cheated. Even the last time I saw him at court! He acted so sincere, so desperate, so scared, so so in love, he seemed angry with himself and he made me feel incredibly loved. Everyone on the post was saying “he’s love bombing you” and the descriptions of lovebombing repeated throughout.

It’s a manipulation tactic to make you feel charmed, loved and a way to reel you back in. It’s their way to hook you. When they lovebomb it’s virtually impossible to not get sucked back in. It was like a drug. I always described it as an alcoholic having a bottle of vodka screaming saying ‘drink me’, it was like far too easy to get sucked back. My head would be screaming no but my body doing differently.

I genuinely believed him. More recently when he was in my presence I loved him, believed him, (apart from when he was shouting at me) but my head would be screaming ‘no he’s lying’, ‘he’s done this before’ but I was given no choice. All four women I outed him on, even before me finding out and he would swear. He would be so convincing, he would lovebomb me to the point where I would question my own integrity, my own sanity and have no choice but to just ‘go with it’ then as soon as he left again, I hated him. I didn’t believe him. I didn’t trust him AT ALL. This time round he seemed even more bothered that I didn’t believe him, so of course that sent my mind in overdrive some more. When all the time he was lying, lying so well and so coldly. A narcissist never feels guilty about his lies but only turns them back round on you. “Bet you’re happy now you can open your dirty legs to the men in your phone” and “what did you expect” and oh his favourite “all I know is if you hadn’t of wronged me when you was in jail I would have given you my world.”

I went on a long walk today and still so many vivid scenarios in my head. The lovebombing, then the lies being revealed, they go over and over. I get angry, I feel pure anger. It’s awful. I still wonder what he’s thinking and what’s going through his head. I’m sure he doesn’t feel bad for how he’s treated me, or how he’s destroyed every bone in my body, no course not. Asshole.

Anyway aside from my long walk and the bad feelings, I’ve had a good day. I got my nails done, bought some new items and chilled with friends in the evening. My daily glads!

I’m glad my nails look so nice with the heat colour changing nail polish.

I’m glad my Timberlands were £122 from £175

I’m glad I chose my daughter some trainers and they were also reduced when I paid for them

I’m glad my eldest daughter now has a phone after a bad person stole hers

Posted in alone, baby, Challenge, DomesticAbuse, exercise, Fitness, Girltalk, Heart, Heartbreak, Holiday, Journey, Marathon, Recovering from abuse, relationships, Singlemum, Strength, training

Oops I did it again …

Posted on by KerryLouise

…. I signed up to the half marathon in September! This time no one can get in the way of my training. It did actually pop into my head earlier about how unreliable he was.

“Baby I got you, were a team, you are my world. 100% I will be there in the morning so you can go gym. I promise you. On my life. Fully supporting you. Have faith in me man’ , morning came no sign of him. ‘yeh so what, I overslept, I can’t help it when I do the job I do my body just shuts down. I didn’t ask it too. It’s hard work you know.’ Suddenly his promise from the night before does not hold for anything, he turns aggressive and angry that anyone would dare question why he has gone back on his promise. This damages his ego, he is no longer the person he was making out to be the night before! This is a form of abuse, it’s power play, he gets someone fully reliant on him and then has no regard for that person. This complete lack of respect and control made me feel so damaged. He is an asshole. He is an abuser.

Good! Right! Needed to remind myself of them after I had just seen pics of our baby with him on our holiday. Although he was an asshole there too. I’m so tired though so will talk about that tomorrow.

So yes! Half a marathon!! It’s on. I did day 2 of the training programme app and actually hit 16,000 steps on my fit bit for the first time in months!!

I aim for a big walk tomorrow.

Watch this space

Xx

Posted in Abuse, relationships, alone, baby, DomesticAbuse, relationship, relationships, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum, Strength

Monday 25th December 2017

Posted on by KerryLouise

It’s only another day really and to be honest I have coped quite well. I am not looking forward to my eldest going to her dads in a bit but I do feel super tired so hopefully I just sleep. M will probably ring me so that does help but I’ve not been feeling good about that situation recently. He’s being nice, a tad erratic at times though and he doesn’t always think before he speaks but his heart is in the right place. He text me earlier too to say merry Christmas and when he knew I was going out Friday he text then too. Other times he just calls. He’s not right for me. I need to break the cycle of falling for emotionally unavailable or just simply unavailable because of where they are men!

My mind has been going over drive again of course! I feel sick about how happy I felt Christmas Day morning, how in love I felt, despite the ill treatment the two evenings prior! I was so under his spell it is scary! Christmas Day evening and he was so nasty, played with my emotions telling me he would just go out as ‘no point being here.’ All because I had been waiting around for him all day and his mum decided it was too late to go by the time HE has finished doing his drug dealing duties. It was all my fault once again. Obviously I later found out he had been cheating on me too so that deceit is hard to get over. I hate him.

I tell you something it is so so hard to even describe his actions this time last year. Nothing I ever said was right, he was moody, he was nasty, cruel and evil at times. He then made me feel amazing and protected and in love at other times, this would be in the space of a few hours. Constant state of confusion. Everything had to be on his terms, he would fight me for my phone, deny till he was blue in the face there was no one else but just turn it all back round on me. It was around this time I self harmed, I took a knife to my own arm to just get him to shut up with his torture. His words were torture. Being called a slag, being told I begged for it when his cousin sexually assaulted me and that I was always the problem.

Promising someone you are coming home and then disappearing is emotional abuse. His mother normalises it and so he has absolutely no idea about respect. He wouldn’t even be sorry! I would have been up all night, I still feel that feeling now. Telling me that I make him sick is emotional abuse. Kicking off because I wouldn’t have sex in his sisters bed in front of my 2 awake children is emotional abuse. Why did I allow this all to happen and it would be me apologising to him! Begging him to come home. He is truly mentally ill. To treat another human being the way he did me is not ok and it is not right and more importantly now it is illegal!

His sister watched on whilst he just kept going on and on and on and on at me whilst I just stared at myself in the mirror crying my eyes out looking at my still slightly plump figure! My baby was only 3 months old, I look back in time at me! I can see me, crying, hurt, broken and so so confused. I want to inject me with self worth, I want to tell me that I was never ever ever the problem, it was always him. A waste of space drug dealing cheating vile human that even comparing him to the devil is mild.

I spent today glad I don’t have him number. I would call him if I could! I’m feeling like this a lot recently, I want to hurt him the way he has me. I feel so bitter, something I never ever wanted, something that actually by not wanting to be, kept me under his nasty spell some more. But I am bitter and I do want to see him hurt. I want to hear him cry, cry out that deafening heart breaking cry that he inflicted on me so many times. Yet could just walk out and go and sleep easily next to some other girl. Doing that to a pregnant woman or one with a newborn is deranged and I will not EVER EVER forget.

However going in to self pity is just what he does. Poor him, dealt drugs because his dad wasn’t around type of person. God the crap he would come out with. I won’t do that, I will turn my bad experience with the lowlife scum into something very very fucking positive.

Watch me look the best I have ever done in 2018, watch me be successful in my job, watch me publish a book, watch me do great at uni and watch me meet a man who treats me better than he ever fucking could.

I won’t forget that when I found out about his 4th and final affair he said ‘she’s just a distraction, she means nothing, I know you, you’ll meet someone and do it properly’ sounding desperate and scared at the thought! YES I FUCKING WILL. No doubt it’ll just send you further into your own pity party and as a defence mechanism be crying out ‘she never loved me anyway.’ Well unfortunately for you. I did, I fucking did!!

Posted in baby, Beauty, book, DomesticAbuse, life, Lonely, Mistakes, Parenting, Singlemum, Strength, Women

Too much wasted time

Posted on by KerryLouise

Self development is so important and I realise that more and more everyday. No matter the industry you work in you should always do a bit of personal development. A networking meeting I went to this morning spoke of this and also a few other areas that I really want to apply in my life more.

I already write to do lists but I should do it for my personal tasks too. I have had no iphone since Tuesday yet I still haven’t managed to do the things I really need to get a move on in doing. Luckily I have fixed my laptop so writing my essays won’t be a problem in that sense, but I need to bloody write them. It’s mad how having no phone panicked me when it shut down, but it has been quite nice too. I was mostly concerned about M, he would try and call and wonder where I was. Tonight, being Thursday I swapped my sim to my work phone and he called. He was concerned bless him, but I also had a text message from the police.

I feel sick. It is so mad to think about how much determination I have in making my abuser pay for what he has done, but even then that slight connection I had with him again tonight has chipped away a bit at my strength. I feel sad he is missing out on our beautiful happy bright baby girl but at the same time where the fuck was he when I wanted him there. Often he chose another girls bed over being with us or I don’t know what is worse a trap yard. The times I NEEDED him, when I was recovering from a c-section, or the times I had mastitis and was so poorly but still made sure our baby was fed. A baby could have been the making of him, getting released from jail could have been. I HATE that I want to know what happened between him and the letter writer. Maybe she saw sense? Maybe he showed his true colours quickly? He was never bothered about her, just a new game for him to get at me some more! SICK AND CRUEL!

When I feel like I am doing the wrong thing I must remind my self of everything, the sleepless nights, the feeling that me and this innocent beautiful baby wasn’t enough, the times I begged and cried for him to be a father. What about the times he made me look stupid crazy and pathetic in front of whatever new fling he had. WHAT FUCKING ARSEHOLE! The way that made me feel, the man I had devoted so much of my life too could treat me like that. He deserves nothing. Like nothing.

I wasted enough time with him, I waste too much time thinking about him and I waste far too much time doing things that have absolutely no benefit to me at all.

Focus! Focus! Focus! I wish I didn’t care. I need to do me!

Posted in Abuse, relationships, alone, baby, Birth story, Challenge, DomesticAbuse, Heart, Heartbreak, Mistakes, mother, Parenting, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum

They do more harm than good…

Posted on by KerryLouise

… in some situations.

Like I don’t want to knock the whole service as I completely understand how over stretched and over worked they are but in my case and for my family they have done absolutely nothing. They have been completely no benefit at all.

Social Services!

The scary thing is I spoke up, I was honest, I admitted how unhappy I was. Showed them bruises and was very open to the fact he came and went as he pleased. Yet I still was drowning and being ignored. As much as he and his family (now say) think that his actions were acceptable it completely is not. What kind of stability is that for a child. When he let me down, he let them down too. When he disappeared and was uncontactable, he did that to them too. What kind of man does that let alone a father! One that genuinely believes it is ok and has been taught that it is ok that’s who. Looking back at the 100’s, yes 100’s of times he either came late, or not at all, he literally angers me so much. Who taught him basic human respect because he certainly does not have any. He wasn’t just late, he tormented me with it too. So so cruel, would either sweet talk me and say he would make it up to me (still waiting), shout and scream at me for even daring to question his wear abouts, would simply tell me ‘something came up and to stop over-reacting’, threaten that if I carried on he wouldn’t come home at all. He loved me crying and begging him, loved it! If he promised to come round (more recently) and I said ‘not tonight’ simply because I was not up for his lateness games he screamed some more. Accused me of having someone else, told me that this is why he didn’t treat me good and he isn’t going to bother even trying. Sometimes he would tell me he was on his way and not come at all. If you don’t think that that is emotional abuse then there is something deeply wrong with you too! It’s disgusting, someone so desperate as a new mum like I was and he thought it ok to treat me like that. He’s an animal. I feel angry today. I want to scream at him, scream at his mother too and put that dumb letter writing bitch in her place. All these thoughts still going on in my head, how do I get past it? When do I get closure?

I’m waiting for my social worker. I haven’t seen her in a month. She needs to follow protocols and procedures which when my children are on plan purely because of witnessing his behaviour then what are ad-hoc visits going to achieve? As I said I even utilised my visits by telling her what was going on and STILL nothing moved forward. There has never been any concerns of the welfare of my children other than when it came to him. They can’t see their mummy with bruises on her face, or upset and anxious, or experiencing him not coming when he says he would (this is all in the report). They need peace and love and support. Him dealing drugs and answering drug calls in front of them or telling me stories of him getting beat up. Who will they come after next? Exactly why his mother sent him to Northampton. It’s dangerous for drug dealers and the loved ones too. He didn’t care though, he just thought he was putting in the work ready for a future (whilst shagging about in the process). I literally never thought I could have so much hate for him and I do. But with hate comes love (he used to say that) and it’s true. I loved him SO much. He made me so weak, I would have done anything for him. All I wanted was a good honest future for him. I knew he had a good heart and I repeatedly let him disrespect me in the hope we could be a family. Be in love! Fucking prick, shoved it back in my face all the time. Made me feel worthless, and for that I hate him!

I don’t dislike my social worker I just think she’s pointless. I also find it slightly difficult as right now she is my only connection with my ex. Technically it’s a breach as it is indirect contact. I am itching to know though. He is living in London, that was confirmed. Obviously him and his new ‘partner’ are going strong then! Highlights completely how much I fucking did for him here, without my home he has nothing here. Shame he didn’t ever appreciate it. He asked for contact with his daughter, he has asked to pass on presents. Presents I am ok with, the contact makes me feel nervous. It would be so easy to bump into him, I’ll listen to his sorrys. To me he’ll say what I want to hear and act like he admits the ill treatment. I asked the social worker ‘is he even sorry, or just sorry for himself.’ She confirmed just sorry for himself, still adamant I am making it out to be lot worse than it was.

ADMIT IT YOU ASSHOLE. ADMIT IT!!! No one gets to decide how he made me feel only me!

 

Posted in baby, DomesticAbuse, relationships, Singlemum, Strength, Women

A letter to my ex ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

I am so incredibly tired but tonight I have more on my mind that has been on my mind in a while. Well I say a while but that only means longer than I am used too. I am now 9 days clean! Clean of him .. clean of his bullshit and clean of his control.

Problem is, he still has control now, by not allowing me to sleep and be peaceful that is still control. Previous events are popping into my head too much and I’m dealing with post traumatic stress I just know it.

It’s times like this I would ring him, just to shout and swear and tell him how insanely awful he is. It made me feel better, he’d apologise and make empty promises but it was just for a fix, it was still his hook.

He doesn’t realise the damage he has caused, but he will. Oh he will. Why should I ever care how much he is hurting? He never did me! Why should I care that he won’t see his daughter? He was never bothered anyway unless it was about me. That last time I saw him and allowed him to stay over, why did I care at all how sick he was feeling?? I had a fucking caesarean and he didn’t care and disappeared. I should not ever care! So …

To my ex,

I know deep down you know I deserved better, I know deep down you wanted everything you promised to be but there is something so innately toxic and negative about everything you do, that your promises and love was never ever sustainable. You’ll do everything you could to blame me, but I wasn’t to blame I never was. You are a true narcissist, every definition of narcissist describes you down to a T. You are a text book abuser and it’s amazing how a known personality disorder actually makes me feel pretty darn good about myself. It wasn’t me it was you! It was fucking you!!

When things are not going your way you tell the world that I abused you. Funny! You do not know what love is or what a real relationship is. I pity you and feel sorry for you. Your mother, can say what she likes about me but I have evidence she has always told me I deserve better than you and I can sleep well at night knowing she will take this to her grave that she defended a son she can never turn round and say. ‘I am proud of him.’ I understand she should be there for you and blood is thicker than water but calling me a liar and lying about me to social services is ABUSE! She knows the number of times she’s told me I deserve better than you, the hours of conversations where she was supportive of ME, sympathising with ME, she helped me hide my Ibiza trip from you knowing how you would react, was disgusted when she saw how you reacted, she’s felt just as hurt and upset as me knowing you turned back to the very things that put you in prison in the first place. She can visit you in prison in the future because your criminality is only destined for one place and that isn’t the fantasy you tried to sell me with. What was it ‘I’m retiring the streets soon and I’m going to whisk you off your feet’ .. been hearing that for 10 months. At least the time got more realistic, it went from stopping next week to soon. Lost count how many times you said ‘next week’. Breaking promises is ABUSE. Saying one thing and doing another is ABUSE. When I questioned your statements since they never delivered before, I was then emotionally tortured for not ‘trusting you’ or ‘believing you’. ABUSE! Are we understanding better?

I don’t believe you understand exactly how much you put me through. You felt like all your actions were justified and that I was just as bad and you know what, if that really makes you feel better about all this now carry on. By not accepting what you’ve truly done to me you will never ever ever be any good for anyone and I am glad about that.

You will never be truly happy and you don’t deserve to be. You do not deserve our beautiful sweet smart kind innocent little baby. You had endless chances to be a father, I begged with you and pleaded you for support and help. Yes you love her but only when it suited you. Where was you when we needed you? When I was recovering from a c-section, when I had mastitis and when I just wanted to go to the gym! You played the best dad in the world, only when it suited you! I could never rely on you, you even forced me to drive 140 miles just so I could go to work. You made me not put her in nursery but let us down and could never be relied on to watch your OWN daughter. You criticised me for taking her on walks, you told me you felt sorry for her having a mother like me and you told me I didn’t love my own flesh and blood. Are you well?

You slipped up, many hide their true colours from others. You were incapable of that. Social services, our daughters nursery all see you for what you really are. Promising  you ‘will do what it takes to be a family’ but never ever sticking to your word. You couldn’t even do it for your daughter!

I had to hear you say ‘I will tell her what you did when she is old enough’ no sweetheart I will tell her what YOU did. What did I actually do ? Really? The only thing you would say is ‘you don’t work with me’ and you ‘don’t talk to me correctly.’ Once again leaving me to unpuzzle what the hell I was doing wrong.

How is someone like me meant to work with you? You’re a criminal!  Yet you called me lazy, a fat plum who does fuck all. You screamed how respect needed to be earned, wow just wow. Funny how that got to me so much, made me want to explode even when I knew the truth! ABUSE!

I tried to help you change, I believed you were ready for change over 100 times. I believed I was the reason for this abuse, believed I deserved it. You told me once I lost my baby weight ‘you’d have me back’, told me I was too fat for you, told me that I pushed you to it all! Oh I believed you, believed you for so long.

You always promised a fairytale but delivered nothing but nightmares, pain and torture. ABUSE.

You would promise days out, dinners, even a bath time with our baby and either not turn up completely or be insanely late and shout at me for being upset! ABUSE!

Shout at me for buying the wrong bin bags! Shout at me for not washing up right! Shout at me when you noticed a dirty mark on your clothes! Remember that time I got all dressed up ready for my first night out after our baby was born and you promised you would come watch your own baby and just didn’t turn up. How cruel! How vile! Keeping me isolated! ABUSE!

Promise me money and then never give it to me ABUSE! Blame me and my ‘actions’ as to why you are not paying your way or for your daughter ABUSE! You’d scream and shout about how you hated me, I made you sick, I was a joke and you couldn’t stand my voice. Tie me up in knots so bad I could have shot my self in the head just to untangle them ABUSE!

Be sulky or moody because of something that’s happened in your day and that meant you could say ‘I don’t want to talk to you right now’ or ‘get off my fucking line you Dickhead.’ ABUSE! Lying constant is ABUSE. You would lie about things that there was no reason to lie about and when I dug deeper and challenged you you would flip out , ABUSE.

You smashed up my phones – multiple times. Punched 3 holes in my walls. Punched my face!! , ABUSE. How many fat lips did I get? You bit my face, punched my legs, that time you punched me hard in my ribs. Oh no I walked into a door didn’t I ?! ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE!!

Physical abuse you understand, well to a certain extent , what did you say to me most recently ‘baby we had a fight.’ No baby you drove me so far with your degrading emotional torture that I was pushed to retaliate. Knowing that once I retaliated I would get hit harder and then the words would stop. You would be sorry. You think mine was in anger, you’re mistaken, mine was in fear of my mind. I needed to get you to stop and a punch from you usually did the trick. Remember the time I cut my arm? Even that didn’t make you stop.

You live in a world where you think men have automatic rights. Rights to tell me what to wear ‘it’s not control’ you say ‘I’m teaching you.’

Listen I’m not a child for you to teach or punish. How many times did you sit me down to ‘talk’, your idea of ‘talking’ was you telling me what you didn’t like about me.  What you felt that I had done wrong, you did it in intimidating way and got close to my face so I couldn’t move. You were impossible.

You also think you have rights to my body, admit it, you did, if I said no I was abused some more. You’d sulk, you’d swear and you’d say whatever you could to mentally and emotionally hurt me. Remember that time at your mums when you wanted sex in your sisters bed, My daughters were awake!!! I said no and you reacted by telling me I made you sick and that you didn’t want my dead sex anyway. You went mental and when your mother heard the shouting and found out what was going on she told me I could have gone in the bathroom with you, no!! I said no!!! You then continued by saying I wasn’t on your page, screaming shouting at me. Your sister witnessed this all and was disgusted but no you continued! I remember crying so hard just staring at myself in the mirror not having a clue why you was being so mean. ABUSE! Then you almost let us down with winter wonderland and caused issues there because we had to wait for you! CONTROLLING ABUSE! Remember the other time I said No when you had been cheating again. You thought it was ok to just tell me the other girl was lying, you wasn’t at hers and I should believe you. I’m ALLOWED TO SAY NO!!!

Narcissists feel entitled to peoples trust despite how many things they’ve done to lose that trust. That’s you! Me saying no doesn’t make me a slag, remember that! Me saying no doesn’t mean I had someone else! Me saying no does not give you any right to make me feel the way you have done in the past. Your abusive nature that day was enough to get the police called, that’s how far you pushed me! I’m ALLOWED to say NO! When I give you my body BECAUSE I want no more of your abuse , that is wrong and that is ABUSE!!! You need schooling! You need to understand, it’s my body and by me not wanting to share that with you does not mean I don’t love you enough or I am not good enough or gives you a reason to threaten me with other girls! Doing that is SEXUAL ABUSE.

My phone , is my phone! Scrolling through my phone book. Looking at my social media, smashing it up, hiding it, fighting me for it, forcing me to hide it when you came over ABUSE. How many fucking times did you fight me for my phone?? You fucking absolute weirdo psycho mess… asking me who people are because they are a new contact in my phone book. Didn’t matter that you disappeared for 2 days prior, and I was telling you I didn’t want you, you felt the right to go through my phone. What did you say ‘men can do things women cant’ .. that is wrong and you are an ABUSER!!

Telling me I am only good for one thing and that men will only want me for what is between my legs is ABUSE. Laughing how I’ll end up alone is abuse. Telling me I’ll always have these problems with men unless I sort myself out is abuse. To tell me you love me, you can’t ever lose me, that you’ll never find better than me but then show signs of disrespect and that you hate me is ABUSE! To promise and swear I am your world but be cheating and lying is ABUSE!!

The fact you can go to sleep at night knowing the states you get me in to is ABUSE! Knowing I had no clue where you were and would be going out of my mind especially since we had discussed the way it made me feel many times. How many fucking times did you do that? Disappeared !! Told me ‘on my way baby’ and DID NOT FUCKING COME that is vile ABUSE!! The infidelity was fucking chronic, even when I begged you to leave me alone you would just do what you want with whoever would have you, but never ever let me go. ABUSE.

How many other girls were there?? How many times did you run between me and another, begging my forgiveness but making out I was a psycho to whatever new one you had! Abuse! Something very dark and twisted about a man who wants to live a double life. You went out your way to do it, not giving a shit who you hurt in the process as long as your ego was good. It was only ever about you!!

Not only manipulating my mind but others too, ‘I haven’t touched you in months’ you screamed, humiliating me in front of others ‘you need to move on’ GOSH. Do you hear yourself? … yet less than 24 hours prior you was in my bed!! Promising me your world! You’d then get me on my own again and you say ‘sorry about that, let’s go for a drink.’ What is wrong with you? You are not well! You can’t be! A drink, are you crazy?

I’m expected to accept it, accept it was my fault, I pushed you to it you apparently and you think I should just be ok about it. I had flowers and texts from another man whilst we were fucking separated and I was left with a smashed phone, cut up flowers, bruises and a hole in my wall. Do we see the double standards here?? Good!

You would tell me you would kill any man who would touch me but chose to only be around when it suited you to touch me yourself. You are a pathological liar, so convincing, so definite and if I doubted you, you got angry. When I found you out, you got angry again and called me jealous and a snake. Something so cruel and twisted about a person who can cheat on another person then instead of apologising you’d torture them some more. ABUSE.

The sorrys always came later, the sorrys you felt obliged to be accepted and If I didn’t accept them you abused me some more. You had no regard for me at all, with that first one you had me hanging on a bit of string, promising me you was leaving her, that you loved me. I had your newborn baby for god sake and you treated me like a fucking toy. ABUSE.

You think by me saying ‘I want to meet someone else’ was abuse, but no my friend you can’t call something abusive when it is a product of your actions!! Why would I not want too? You made me feel that way. Truth is I was ashamed, ashamed at how badly you treated me, but not now. You wouldn’t treat an animal the way you treated me.

I want a man who would spend time with me and not deal drugs. I want a man who doesn’t use any excuse to go fall in another girls bed. I want a man who makes me feel good, not worthless not alone and not trapped. A man who would never say ‘I will break your fucking jaw’ just because you got angry about me questioning why you wasn’t sticking to your promises. Yes at times you were amazing, we connected, what do you say ‘best sex of your life’ ‘there’s just no emotion with anyone else’ ‘soul mates’ ‘ying and yang’ but that’s all fucking fake. The nice you is fake. The nice you is only when it suits you and when you want to feel good. The hypocrisy when you called me fake, or told me I sold you a dream. Your double standards are rife ! You gaslight, use projection, hoover and other abusive traits that everyone should educate and read up on. Like I said text book abuse!

God I really could go on! Are you even getting the picture yet!? The last time we spoke I heard all the same lies and promises. You miss me, you are broken, alone and can’t lose me. You even mentioned me having another baby with you! ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY???

I actually thank you.

You told me that your most recent ‘mistake’ has fucked up your life. I’m fucking thankful, without your infidelity the best I would have from you is a faithful abuser and funnily enough I don’t want that either.

I thank you for being that damaging. I am thankful for all that this has taught me, I won’t EVER be disrespected again. I know what is acceptable now! I’m thankful you gave me enough hell in a short space of time, stopping me wasting more years of my life.I also thank you for my daughter, my girls kept me going when you made me feel like I no longer wanted to live. She will learn how powerful and strong her mummy is. Whilst dealing with the stuff you called ‘love’, I kept my fucking shit together and was the best mum I could possibly be.

I am better off with out you. Our 14 month old is too. You can carry on your life knowing you destroyed the only woman who will ever love you the way I did. You ruined your own life, and believe me darling it wasn’t just your ‘mistake’ !! But you’ll carry on blaming anyone you can because that’s exactly what narcissists do!

No longer yours,

The girl who finally had enough!

Posted in Abuse, relationships, alone, baby, cheat, Company, Deceit, DomesticAbuse, Journey, single mum

Focus on the Freedom!

Posted on by KerryLouise

This time it’s going to happen!

I have changed my number. I have the police coming round this evening and an injunction is in the process of being served.

This is done!

The past 5-6 weeks have been very much like my last post. My head has been done for a very long time but my heart takes over … I feel sorry for him?! I see the bond he has with our baby! The times he is nice is like a rush of euphoria that I crave! Abuse is a drug! Times he would arrange to come see baby but then come by when she was asleep, if we spoke before hand I would tell him not to bother (he never likes that) but a handful of times he slipped the net. My loneliness ruled my head in that one!

We are back on the same cycle of multiple woman that he tries to deny, accusing me of going mad! Swearing on his mother’s life that he is not about to risk losing me again, he needs me, I’m his world blah blah! Stroking my face as I sleep, kissing me and saying those meaningless words ‘I love you so much’ !!

It’s all been too much ‘red flag’ … This is EXACTLY what he said last time ! I’ve had a rough time trying to get him to just leave me alone. He will say everything he can but I’m not stupid. Controlling everything calling me his wife, seeing our baby but making me his priority. There were many times he disappeared for 4 days and come back stinking like a homeless person, he needed a girls house to shower. That’s inevitable, so when the stinking stopped I knew!! His vindictiveness made me evil, I would scream at him how he’s dumb if he thinks this is a relationship, tell him how much of a tramp he was being, carrying knives again, dealing drugs texting me rarely only when it suited him. Again it was promises of spending more time and making everything amazing! I do not want his promises I just want to be my own person again!

He just would not accept… WE WERE OVER!

The unpleasantries would exchange then a few hours later it was like he had forgotten and he carried on calling me his beautiful wife ! Trapped!!

He’s been arrested twice in the past month, the first time was a high profile case in Northampton. I thought his time was done but nope the police have still failed to catch him doing the very thing that has destroyed him. He is so fixed on being a gangster, carrying a knife, dealing drugs, violence all what he calls ‘work’. He has really lost sight of what is important.

Then when I catch him red handed with some poor unfortunate girl! ‘You drove me too it’, ‘telling me we’re not together’ ‘telling me you hate me’ and let’s not forget his favourite ‘I would have given you everything had you not cheated on me when I was in jail.’ Again EXACTLY like last time .. sorry last 2 times!! Let’s not forget the ‘why are you embarrassing yourself , we haven’t had sex for months , this is my new girlfriend’ bullshit he screams at me whilst the poor girl is in the room with him!

The difference this time, I didn’t expect any different. I didn’t want a future with him, I lay next to him and think how much I despise him. Flashbacks of historical situations where he treated me so bad, there is no way I could forget .. maybe forgive but never forget! Furthermore , I do not want a drug dealer as a boyfriend. I don’t want someone who talks AT me , when something bad as happened with his road life I would bare the brunt ‘I don’t want to fucking talk right now I’m in a mood’.

On the 14th September he woke me up by throwing stones, again I was weak! Looking down at him he looked harmless, he pleaded for me to help him, how he had been beaten up and all he wanted was me. I let him in but forced him in the shower. He stank! The morning came, I was off out early and he slowed up this process. I wasn’t feeling great and he expected the upmost gratitude for being there to ‘help me’. I was ungrateful and a Dickhead apparently. He complained that I didn’t care he had been attacked …. why would I ? It’s like he suddenly expected me to want him … telling him I didn’t only caused more abuse. I got a punch in the leg that morning and I remember covering my face fearing a mark. He took my glasses off ready! I tried to leave but he pulled me back and stole my keys off me. I didn’t fight it. I should have called the police then.

16th September and our babies first birthday. I think most recently I’ve been more emotional thinking about this time last year. The pain he caused and the happiness he stole from me! I had not seen him since the evening of the 14th where he begged me to be able to come back and stay…. I said no and didn’t react to his pleas or strops! When he showed up at her party I wanted him gone .. he took me out the back… poked me in my stomach. Told me he didn’t give a shit what my family thought and I was playing the victim. The ONLY way I knew how to calm him down was cuddle, kiss and say ‘were together’, he then played a big charade. I was again being controlled, if I didn’t kiss him he would kick off. I had to ride it out! For the sake of our baby. Then the thought of spending her birthday evening alone made me weak again , he then didn’t leave my side and did not leave my flat until the following Tuesday morning. Saturday night and Sunday was nice I can’t lie. I explained that Sunday’s like that was all I wanted. Not his drug dealing and leaving me all alone!! The 36 hour fairytale didn’t last obviously and on Monday morning he assaulted me bad, again he wanted to keep my keys. He had no phone, and I wanted so bad to keep my control with my own property keys!! I lost that control and also received an excruciating pain in my left rib! Never has he ever hit me that hard!! Why didn’t I go to the police then ?

Monday night he was a saint! He watched Ariana in the evening and ‘took care of’ me whilst I struggled to do the basics due to my injury. He left me Tuesday morning and I was so glad to see the back of him!

I didn’t care he had no phone! I didn’t care he didn’t contact me. This just gave me more ammunition to cut him OUT! Thursday he called, I hung up! He messaged on his friends snapchat with his new number I deleted it! Friday I missed a call and again Saturday ! I was doing well! Sunday came and I seeked out his new number, like a addict seeking money for their next fix!

I heard his voice. I heard his pleas and his words of ‘you are so beautiful Kerry like really beautiful, no one in Northampton compares to you. You are special.’ There was my fix, he wanted to come see me..I had the control. I declined, I actually didn’t want to see him just wanted to hear that!

Monday I had texts to the same effect and then on Tuesday when he found out I was going to Ibiza he was VILE. I knew he was hurting, I knew he was jealous. His mum heard everything he was saying on speakerphone and she even spoke to him where he was like a lost little damaged hurt boy. He’d lost control over my actions and that PAINS him! Despite him screaming he would never touch me again after my trip he ended up in my bed the night I got back and then again the following night which was his birthday. Fuck sake I had given in again! I had to get some distance again !!!

All week he had made plans with himself to come over. Let’s have a nice evening he would say .. I politely declined and then I was abused ! Vile nasty words that are unexplainable. The effect they have on me are more damaging than any punch or slap! By Wednesday he turned up at my door and the company was all I wanted .. not him. I was then too tired for the abuse and we had a nice evening. He then got it in his head he was moving back in.. we would do more together and it would all be ok. Asked me when I would next see him. Saturday.. ffs !! All day Saturday I spent telling him to not come, I hated him, I didn’t trust him. We were over… then when he turned nasty I gave in again!

That’s when I went through his phone. Him laying next to me reminded me of the last time it kicked off hard.. the time I went to the police and had multiple injuries which subsequently saw him serve 28 days in jail. My gut was screaming he’s slept with someone else and my gut is ALWAYS right! He held me tight! So tight I couldn’t breathe! Screaming I was mad! Screaming that I was his everything. I didn’t believe him I knew! I didn’t care , I just wanted him to admit it and stop torturing me! Why keep lying? Why try so hard to keep me!?

I cried a lot that night and morning, my phone was hidden in case something came up that he disliked and I longed for the moment he left! Initially I declined sex and the stuff that came out of his mouth was insane. I was so tired I didn’t react, almost numb to it now. He let me sleep and watched Ariana and then he tried again. I didn’t want to but I did not want a repeat of earlier! Equally when we’re together and doing that.. I feel so in love. We connect so stupidly well and that drug has peaked again. As soon as it’s over my bitterness and hatred is back!

When he finally left he carried on texting , ringing ..promising me the world! I had to find away to get away! I just have too!

Luckily it came when my friend saw him with another girl the following day! This was my get away!! ‘Hi baby’ he answered the phone all cheery. He has some front! He tried to deny it! Course he did! I was smart and I took the suspect number from his phone and found out for myself. Away from her he was sad ‘I don’t know what’s wrong with me’ ‘she doesn’t compare to you’ which would soon turn into a slanging match where he was adamant I was to blame! I pushed him away!

Case closed.

All the last few months have proven are .. we cannot be amicable for our baby. His interest isn’t her, it’s me. He is dead set on making me his again and I cannot be anywhere near him. He can’t handle my standoffish ‘mind games’ he calls them and his need for a place to stay takes over. It’s not hard prick stop mentally torturing me!

This morning was hard, the screams of him saying I was embarrassing myself in front of his new woman! Swearing blind he never had sex with me Sunday! Laughing at me saying we haven’t had sex for months! This is mental abuse! I was in bits!! I need closure and I need to make him pay!

Once I’ve given the police his number I will delete it. It’s too tempting! Like an alcoholic with a bottle of vodka. I called him this evening on withheld! He never answers withheld, so he obviously knew it was me!! Said he was wrong for this morning, wanted to see me, come and see me! I told him straight come anywhere near me and I’m calling 999! I heard what I needed, he isn’t ok! I know he won’t be ok. But this time I do not care!

I plan to write a statement that sums up the past almost 2 years. These statements can be used in court. Section 76 of the serious crimes act 2015 created a new offence of a controlling or coercive behaviour in an intimate relationship. He needs to be held accountable. I will make sure of it!

These past 2 days have done wonders for my diet 😉

Posted in alone, baby, Beauty, book, Company, Deceit, DomesticAbuse, Heartbreak, single mum, Singlemum, Strength

4 months on!

Posted on by KerryLouise

So it has been 4 months since my last post. I had almost forgot about my blog, maybe I tried to forget everything that was in it. In denial… telling myself ‘that didn’t happen’ kind of situation.

But I am now truly in a place where I want to reach out to other women who may have battled with domestic abuse like me or maybe others who are currently going through it. I know I still am.

My last post wasn’t a lie, it was great. We got on so well and everything finally felt like it was all ‘worth it’… but it didn’t last long. We went away on holiday in May and if I am really honest with myself I noticed that devil in him a few times whilst we were away.

My baby girl is nearly 1 and she truly is amazing. She does have a really good bond with her dad but that is slowly diminishing since she is in nursery full time now and I know longer rely on him for childcare whilst I am at work. Well I couldn’t rely on him.

I started my new job in June and he was adamant he wanted to have her whilst I worked. It caused far more stress than it was worth and now she is in nursery full time.

Let’s get this straight I do not love him, he no longer makes me feel special, I spend most of my time despising him yet I just cannot seem to shake off the fact he still gets under my skin so much.

Take the past 12 hours for example, promised he would come by and ‘spend some time with us’… this is all his doing since I tell him countless times I do not want a relationship like this. I live life as a single mum yet have the stresses of a unsupportive man in a nasty relationship. I had a hint of hope of being able to go to boot camp, and then spin this morning plus who turns down company right? It got to 6pm and I started convincing myself I didn’t want to go to boot camp, much to his happiness. He was all ‘oh thank god baby. I didn’t want to let you down but I’ve got to stay in the spot as my mate has gone to London, but I will come by straight after.’ 10pm came… what a surprise… no where to be seen, he then does this thing where we be on the phone he’ll say ring me back in 5 minutes and doesn’t answer until 40 minutes later. Those 35 minutes I am a woman possessed with constant ringing and abusive text messages. It’s torture and exhausting. We spoke again at 00:45am where he 100% promised to be at mine at 6am to watch my girls whilst I went to a spin class. ‘100%, I got you, I adore you, this is all for our family’ … he needs some new lines he really does.

Did he show?? Did he fuck!!

He’s completely incapable of accepting his faults. ‘I didn’t do it on purpose’… ‘my line of work means I go days without sleep and if my body decides to shut down I can’t help it’… Like I have never heard such a crock of shit in my life… well I have but only ever from him. He then has a habit of turning it all back round on me. Projection!! Accuses me of everything he is fucking guilty of….

I will talk of Projection in my next blog. Right now I am at work and must get on 🙂

Posted in alone, baby, cheat, Deceit, DomesticAbuse, Fitness, Heartbreak, law, Lonely, Mistakes, pregnancy, prison, prisonwives, relationship, relationships, Singlemum

My ‘love’ back behind bars !

Posted on by KerryLouise

Took the police 5 weeks to catch up with him. 5 weeks!! I warned him he needed to do it before we had our social services meeting, despite his promises he just didn’t. Scared he was going to jail he told me. I did not think it would come to that! Just did not. 

I got myself caught back up in his cycle once again. A week before his arrest on 13th March he was promising money daily and it was so exhausting but I kept relying on it so bad so I had to go with it! ‘Let me see you both before I hand myself in please’ and ‘I need to give you your money’ , all just excuses to see me. Then once I saw him… I am weak. The Thursday morning I had had enough, promised money first thing.. countless missed calls and even one he cancelled (although he denies) and I thought enough is enough. Money my arse he won’t give me any! I sent long messages to his mother and father. I can’t lie the anxiety in my head and the visions of him ignoring me in my head was mainly what drove me too it. Reminder of before and well we know why he ignored me before!! Rather be with some dumb girl then admit to me that he doesn’t have any money. I blocked him.. fuck him! He called in the afternoon from withheld and I cancelled it 3 times. Proud! 

Friday morning he did the same but this time I listened, the sob story of how he couldn’t sleep and how he had the money etc. The usual battle of a phone call where some how he twists it to me being the one at fault. I calmed down and the afternoon I called him back in the hope I would get some money out of him. I was skint! Straight away he came to me and we went to the supermarket. A conversation before hand made me melt. The trip to the supermarket made me feel on a high, something so minor that most take for granted felt so good. Better than a drug. We looked like a normal family, happy and in love. The way he touches me, smiles and acts around our daughter. It’s all too much. The sex after this is euphoric but once again reality hits me slap in my face when he goes because he’s still wanted. Wanted for his assault on me, the pair of us are crazy! He equally should stay away from me, I could frame him for murder and he still wouldn’t stay away! 

He leaves ‘I love you,  call me later’, I don’t! I just can’t put myself through even the thought of him not answering my phone call on a Friday night. He was still blocked too. We speak on Saturday, 3 times I call him throughout the day and he answers each time. He doesn’t even KNOW how much better that makes me feel! Sunday morning he turns up at mine after his night out.. coming in at that time used to absolutely put me beside my self. Then when he stopped coming full stop I longed for those days, pathetic and not a relationship. 

Sunday morning was the last I saw of him. Again the 3 of us just chilling, then slept was ALL I wanted. All I ever wanted. Being at mine makes me anxious and so I left him to sleep and went out for the day whilst he slept his night out off. Monday morning came and I admit I knew he was coming after school run but I had a meeting at the school. I had told him but I knew he would have forgot. Finished my meeting and of course he’s pissed off. Strop city!! I kind of wish we hadn’t of left it like that but equally he needs to understand how it feels when people are not where they said they were going to be. The conversations on the phone then were completely toxic and I left him too it. See you at the meeting I screamed! 

Well I didn’t see him. He turned up late, wasn’t allowed in and I was informed he was being arrested and being recalled to prison.

My heart fucking sank. I cried. He needs to hear this I cry, what’s the point in holding this when the other parent is not even allowed to be present. The police officer in the room paints an awful picture of him based on intelligence. He looks like a real threat to his daughter, threat to me. It just all looks so terrible. Domestic abuse! Domestic violence! Drug dealing! Carrying weapons. Hearing it all, it hits home!! I still feel like my heart has been pulled out. Prison again!

That evening brings back loads of memories. He had called his mother earlier on and asked me to look in his old prison bag. I did. All my emails, cards, pictures! FFS we were so in love! What the hell happened???!!! How did we get to this! Emails I had sent where he had underlined words and sentences. Prison is a fucked up place, and it fucked him up and I did hurt him! I felt like this was what I wanted but it still didn’t feel good.

The next morning I spoke with the police officer. She was lovely and told me he was recalled only due to the fact he took so long for arrest. Not good character when on licence. I’m still yet to know how long he has but with no new offences the longest it will be is 6 weeks. This day I felt good, I felt fucking free!! I knew where he was, he couldn’t smoke, drink, shag whatever dirt box to void his feelings now. Just him , his own thoughts, memories and countless men! Perfect! 

Wednesday 15th and the last time I heard his voice. I was shocked to hear him, he sounded fine. Loving even. No blame on me at all. He’s using his charm, tells me how already he’s thinking of me moving on, can’t bare it. Asks me to be good for him and tells me if this time I am I’ll see a changed man. He gets 22 minutes call time and I do reciprocate his ‘I love you’ and ‘I miss you’ at the end of the call. I’d already sent a harsh straight to the point email by this point which he would of had the pleasure of being delivered the next day. Good! Harsh, real facts on how he has treated the woman who was there for him. Like really there for him! He needs to know! He did joke on the phone about how I must be loving this! Yes I do. I felt like I had been released from prison. Roles reversed. 

I believe he tried to call me on Tuesday, he didn’t get through so called his sister and passed on some shitty message! He got another email from me, look how he reacts after I miss one call. Yet he can ignore his phone ALL day and it’s perfectly fine and I’m made to feel like a dick for caring! He could have said hope you are all ok but no. This is him ALL over .. defensive negativeness and thinks I’m just ‘airing’ him. He’s so transparent to me now, he’s hurt because he didn’t get to speak to me! Hurt, so he attacks. 

I’ve spoke with my new social worker. I like her. She’s going to visit him inside. The whole report is very bias, paints an awful picture of him and I hold my hands up to all professionals that I have been violent. I often provoke situations and push him. I need help with my anger and I need help dealing with the events from the past year. He needs help dealing with stuff I have also put him through but I will never lose sight of how manipulative and how much he has mentally abused me when I was pregnant and then when I had a newborn. 

When he first came out of jail I was the most amazing woman on this planet apparently. He wanted to marry me. Confusing him when I was honest about my infidelity the weekend before he came home just blew up massively in my face. He blamed EVERYTHING on that. The reason he was risking his freedom was all my fault. If he had just held a job down, kept away from his wasteman friends and stepped away from that road trap life we would NOT be here today! 

The whole year has ALL been because I did not tolerate his choices. His illegal activities that of cause he gaslighted me and made out it wasn’t happening. He thinks I was born yesterday, driving him around to ‘pick stuff up from his bredrin’, finding cash on him. The begging, the pleading, the promises he made that it wasn’t on a big scale. He wasn’t touching anything apparently. I was always always so petrified he’d end up back in jail. My uncooperation which led to constant rows sent him to be the cheating animal he became! Of course he’d pick a 19 year old not bothered about his lifestyle over me giving him constant headache! Of course!! 

It’s now, now or never. This short time inside could be the blessing he needed to be a proper father and have a decent relationship with his beautiful little baby girl. That life he is in deep in ain’t worth the life he’s currently living. Friday night and banged up in a cell since 4pm. If this doesn’t show him his daughter is worth more, then NOTHING WILL! 

Posted in baby, cheat, Deceit, DomesticAbuse, Lonely, love, relationships, singlemum

Argggghhhhhhhhh….

Posted on by KerryLouise

Day 3 without seeing him, why am I feeling crazy?? I’ve done this before .. ! 

Woke up this morning feeling sad, just wanted to call him. I told myself I needed to go the whole day.. Then he calls. For fuck sake! He misses me, he’s gone too far this time, he isn’t giving up. I think he will, it is going to take time for him to even seek help let alone fight for this. He’s still obviously wanted, police came for a welfare check today. Have I heard from him? No I say. What’s his mobile number? I’ve deleted it I lie. 

The longer they take to catch up with him the more likely it is women like myself just don’t want to go through with it. Last time I dropped it because I genuinely thought it did what I wanted the effect to have. I had got away from him, calling the police wasn’t a waste of time in my eyes. It had the desired effect. I was too weak though and 2 weeks later the anger had gone and the love was back! 

I made the decision to block him this evening, when he texts I am anxious to reply. When he doesn’t text I want to text him. Blocking helps me psychologically, I can feel content knowing he will try and contact but when I don’t respond he is being punished more than by me responding and promising everything will be ok. I’ve told him he needs to answer the social worker in order to see his daughter. I bet he still hasn’t. Well his loss and he cannot blame me when he doesn’t see her. 

How the fuck did my life become this??