Category: Heartbreak

Posted in Abuse, relationships, DomesticAbuse, Girltalk, Healing from Domestic Abuse, Heartbreak, Singlemum

You couldn’t write this stuff!

Posted on by KerryLouise

If you’ve been following my story you will know I was successful in getting a Non Molestation Order on my ex back in October 2017. He was served the order beginning of November and it was serving his purpose as he moved away and left me alone… fully.

On 20th November we had our return date which he turned up for, was all sorry and puppy dog eyes. Made me feel sorry for him and guilty again for ‘letting it get this far.’ He managed to get inside my head for a while before I met with my solicitor. My solicitor (who by the way I had never met before) was a timid character and I felt wasn’t a strong enough person to be representing someone like me! As soon as I met with her she handed me a letter claiming it was from his partner, my heart dropped like .. wtf he had just spent 20 minutes telling me he was gutted and wanted me back. How was this happening! She questioned ‘have you read it?’ .. course I bloody hadn’t! Why was this only just given to me now? With little compassion or regard for my feelings. Don’t these people realise the words on paper is still abuse. Not only from him but some woman who thinks she knows him. How dare some one write those things about me and get away with it. Telling a woman she wasn’t abused is wrong! No one else can say another woman was not abused, especially someone who claims she was abused herself. Disgraceful! I think it’s obvious to a human being how I would react let alone a family law solicitor! Yes this prompted me to approach him but let’s not forget he came up to me first, my solicitor couldn’t handle him, security blamed me pretty much (because he used me engaging with him to his advantage) and despite him doing everything he could to talk to me, no one did ANYTHING not really. My solicitor just said ‘stop looking at my client’ and when he made out he hadn’t seen said woman who wrote the letter for 6 weeks she flustered around looking at the name of who wrote it and clearly knew she was out of her depth when we were shouting across the court waiting area at one another. Finally when we got into the court room, I couldn’t stop crying. I felt sorry for him again, he appealed because he hadn’t received my original position statement (another failure from my solicitor) and the magistrates agreed he had a right to get some legal advice. So there we were, another date booked. I was gutted.

The no contact continued, bar one phone call I made to him that evening (after all he handed me his number on a scrap bit of paper) and I tried to put it to the back of my mind AGAIN. I was told when I rang my solicitors on the 8th December (return hearing was 15th) that he had not got his return statement in as requested by the 8th but the hearing had been put back to 15th January! I felt relieved but again the communication was terrible, the letter explaining court had been postponed was not received until AFTER the date so without me calling them I would not of known. They then continued to write to me asking for proof of why certain amounts had gone into my account. I’m not talking big figures here, it’s amount of £10 from my mate and £200 from my employer (which were expenses). They also want my mortgage statement, despite me repeatedly telling them I don’t have access to these due to being massively in arrears (I’ll explain another time) no one wants to help. I decided I didn’t care anyway, I would represent myself and the threats of being liable for legal costs did not scare me.

15th January came, I spent time debating whether to show at all but decided I could and I would. I was strong enough to represent myself and I could handle it. However, I was not expecting what once again I would be faced with. This time TWO statements from my ex. These were worse than I could ever have imagined, the worst lies someone could say about someone else and yet I had to just read them and have my heart broken even more. It was evil, vile and cruel. Yet again I found myself having to defend reality and fight with someone who rewrites history so negatively. As time went on I couldn’t shake it, it hung over me for weeks and no matter how many times I said ‘it’s laughable’, it really really isn’t. Someone who I had had a baby with and loved so very much saying these things is not funny… it’s abuse. The court once again adjourned the hearing and I left the court knowing it wasn’t over!

Now brings me to the present day. Today I had the court order from the 15th January forwarded to me (now is the 16th February), the email stated they wasn’t sure if I had received it already. This is my solicitor by the way, how is that acceptable? Clearly I didn’t have it. Not only did I not have the order but did not know I had to return my position statement back to the court by the 12th! I’m too late! So I have no chance to defend myself, no chance to prove everything he said about me was lies, I’m not a prostitute. I am not addicted to cocaine and I am not addicted to sadomasochism! The court asked for professional statements too, again I didn’t know this was an option to defend myself. The court order is also riddled with spelling mistakes ‘earing’ instead of hearing for example. Awful!

On the other hand, the court won’t care he lied. There are no repercussions or consequences for someone telling such viscous lies. How is that ok? It’s swept under a carpet and men (and women) can continue all over the country just make up lies in a desperate attempt that they stick, and they do! Women are losing their children to lies from these narcissistic men and it’s disgusting!

I’ve come to realise, dealing with someone like my ex you have to JUST be strong yourself. As long as mentally I am strong I have to do this on my own.

As previously blogged we’ve had recent contact. He got into my home whilst I was sleeping to beg and say sorry. Call the police? What’s the point?! Tell the courts?! Again no point! Yes a NMO May stand but he will fight for his daughter, I know this and with a NMO in place how can that be done amicably. It will be full of negativity, contact books and contact centres. Judges are awarding these men more contact than they deserve and if I fight I know what him and his family are capable of. I am TIRED. I have no faith, that the system will help me. He will use his daughter anyway he can especially if it’s to hurt me and I just can not bare to lose her. I read stories all the time, mother being hostile to contact and accused of causing emotional abuse on the child and residency is awarded to father. Even if that didn’t happen, him and his family would poison her sweet little innocent mind I just know it. We’ve seen what they are all capable of. Fathers for justice? Give me strength.

Currently he’s accepting everything, admits and ‘feels ashamed’ about how he’s treated me. He holds his hands up to all the abuse and states he would do anything to take it away. Questions his life and asks himself daily ‘what the hell was I doing?’ Of course it could all be words but the point is … it’s amicable. He isn’t abusing me, I carry on through court he will abuse me. He will!

So… so far so good. I am strong. I do not want him back. He dreams of a future all together but I know I’m not that person anymore. Potentially the non molestation order served it purpose but that’s all it could do. No contact for over 3 months was enough for me to get a clear head and realise my worth. Like really realise it.

I’m still scarred, at times we talk and I will turn bitter and bring up scenarios that happened and question how he’s even human. I tell him he deserves to be in jail for the way he treated me and in some ways I’m finding talking to him therapeutic. Hearing him apologise and accept it… accept it all. I then wonder … is he a narcissist? Narcissists never accept or take blame not really. Maybe he will change… but it’s too late for me. Far too late.

Xxx

Posted in baby, Diet, DomesticAbuse, exercise, Heartbreak, Journey, Recovering from abuse, relationship, Singlemum, weightloss

“Lovebombing”

Posted on by KerryLouise

There was a post from a lady on one of the domestic abuse groups I’m in. I could so relate “I’ve told him it’s over, but he’s in prison and he’s ringing me telling me he loves me and he will change.” Been there done that! The way the do it is soooo convincing. Every bloody time I genuinely thought well this time is different because of this this and that. It’s crazy insane when I look back.

Throughout my relationship with my babies father I was so confused as to why he made out so badly that he loved me. Couldn’t let me go. After every vile row, every promise he broke, every time he disappeared and every time he cheated. Even the last time I saw him at court! He acted so sincere, so desperate, so scared, so so in love, he seemed angry with himself and he made me feel incredibly loved. Everyone on the post was saying “he’s love bombing you” and the descriptions of lovebombing repeated throughout.

It’s a manipulation tactic to make you feel charmed, loved and a way to reel you back in. It’s their way to hook you. When they lovebomb it’s virtually impossible to not get sucked back in. It was like a drug. I always described it as an alcoholic having a bottle of vodka screaming saying ‘drink me’, it was like far too easy to get sucked back. My head would be screaming no but my body doing differently.

I genuinely believed him. More recently when he was in my presence I loved him, believed him, (apart from when he was shouting at me) but my head would be screaming ‘no he’s lying’, ‘he’s done this before’ but I was given no choice. All four women I outed him on, even before me finding out and he would swear. He would be so convincing, he would lovebomb me to the point where I would question my own integrity, my own sanity and have no choice but to just ‘go with it’ then as soon as he left again, I hated him. I didn’t believe him. I didn’t trust him AT ALL. This time round he seemed even more bothered that I didn’t believe him, so of course that sent my mind in overdrive some more. When all the time he was lying, lying so well and so coldly. A narcissist never feels guilty about his lies but only turns them back round on you. “Bet you’re happy now you can open your dirty legs to the men in your phone” and “what did you expect” and oh his favourite “all I know is if you hadn’t of wronged me when you was in jail I would have given you my world.”

I went on a long walk today and still so many vivid scenarios in my head. The lovebombing, then the lies being revealed, they go over and over. I get angry, I feel pure anger. It’s awful. I still wonder what he’s thinking and what’s going through his head. I’m sure he doesn’t feel bad for how he’s treated me, or how he’s destroyed every bone in my body, no course not. Asshole.

Anyway aside from my long walk and the bad feelings, I’ve had a good day. I got my nails done, bought some new items and chilled with friends in the evening. My daily glads!

I’m glad my nails look so nice with the heat colour changing nail polish.

I’m glad my Timberlands were £122 from £175

I’m glad I chose my daughter some trainers and they were also reduced when I paid for them

I’m glad my eldest daughter now has a phone after a bad person stole hers

Posted in alone, baby, Challenge, DomesticAbuse, exercise, Fitness, Girltalk, Heart, Heartbreak, Holiday, Journey, Marathon, Recovering from abuse, relationships, Singlemum, Strength, training

Oops I did it again …

Posted on by KerryLouise

…. I signed up to the half marathon in September! This time no one can get in the way of my training. It did actually pop into my head earlier about how unreliable he was.

“Baby I got you, were a team, you are my world. 100% I will be there in the morning so you can go gym. I promise you. On my life. Fully supporting you. Have faith in me man’ , morning came no sign of him. ‘yeh so what, I overslept, I can’t help it when I do the job I do my body just shuts down. I didn’t ask it too. It’s hard work you know.’ Suddenly his promise from the night before does not hold for anything, he turns aggressive and angry that anyone would dare question why he has gone back on his promise. This damages his ego, he is no longer the person he was making out to be the night before! This is a form of abuse, it’s power play, he gets someone fully reliant on him and then has no regard for that person. This complete lack of respect and control made me feel so damaged. He is an asshole. He is an abuser.

Good! Right! Needed to remind myself of them after I had just seen pics of our baby with him on our holiday. Although he was an asshole there too. I’m so tired though so will talk about that tomorrow.

So yes! Half a marathon!! It’s on. I did day 2 of the training programme app and actually hit 16,000 steps on my fit bit for the first time in months!!

I aim for a big walk tomorrow.

Watch this space

Xx

Posted in Diet, DomesticAbuse, exercise, Fitness, Girltalk, Heart, Heartbreak, Journey, life, Lonely, love, Recovering from abuse, relationships, Singlemum, weightloss, Women

What ifs ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

Once again I fell asleep in the evening and have woke up feeling meh. I’ve been awake an hour and I’ve just been feeling really negative. So I need to switch that up! The negatives is of course him, and also the thinking of ‘what ifs’. I would never ever wish my daughter away, I literally cannot even describe my love for the 2 baby girls I have sleeping in the room next to me. BUT when you’ve been all through I have it’s hard to not think about how different things could have been. These two do make it all worth it though.

He was literally so disgusting to me pregnant, so so vile. The asshole took all my beautiful experience away from me because he was wrapped up in his own fuckery. I hate him for that. I doubt I will have anymore children and he ruined it! I never ever ever want to be that vulnerable again, that person again. I look back and see me pregnant, see me holding my new baby and I can feel the pain I was feeling. I can still feel it all. How fucking dare he make me feel like that. When I think like that I wish nothing more than him to just disappear forever. I never want to ever see his disgusting self again. EVER!

However my promise to myself in 2018 was to do my “daily glads” especially if I am feeling low….

I am glad for what he put me through as I won’t ever stand for ANYTHING like it ever again.

I am glad that I have my beautiful charming sweet funny baby girl and her amazing kind big sister

I am glad I got to the gym today and operation “be the best version of me” is on

I am glad I got to speak to M even though his battery died, he listens to all my feelings and in fact encourages me to speak

I am glad for POF 😂 – I met M on there and also a new guy I have been speaking too.

I am glad for my job, which with only 2 days in I have hit half my target for the month.

I am glad for the extension uni gave me for my assignments

I am glad for being me- no really I am!

The new guy I have been talking too is a personal trainer, he told me I am very critical of myself but also understands why that is. However I did tell him that I was the same before I met my ex, he believes he can help change that. He tells me I am stunning, he even watched my Facebook live video (and I looked hideous ha). I am quite interested in where this one is going to go, however I must not read too much into anything. I have learnt you can’t trust anyone however I shouldn’t shut people out or write them off as liars and narcissists just yet. He knows what I have been through so that makes a difference, I think. I hope! I’ve been speaking to a woman who has had a very similar experience as me and she said the new guy she is seeing is very supportive so there is hope.

I took photos today of myself. I want my toned self back 💪🏼

Posted in Diet, DomesticAbuse, Heartbreak, sex, Singlemum, weightloss, Women

My 2018 New Years Resolutions

Posted on by KerryLouise

So here we are 1st January 2018, a fun night was had and today as been a major ‘not giving a damn day.’ (I haven’t even brushed my hair)

Anyways I aim to set some resolutions and to make me accountable I am listing them in this blog.

  • Cut out caffeine/Drink more water – I know how good doing these simple things make me feel. I also know by doing these things I am less likely to eat crap. I also will have more energy, my skin will look better and I will stop the binge eating. Mad how just a herbal tea changes my whole mindset.
  • Move more – Since I have been working my exercise has dropped dramatically. I am aiming for 8,000 steps a day at least. Currently most days I only do around 2,000 which is terrible and far from the fitness level I was. I would love to get back into running too so I aim to actually get my arse to the gym.
  • Read more – Now I have my iPad with kindle back and still a load of unread books all for personal development I really want to read more. I may set my self mini tasks daily but of course my business law masters reading should take precedence. However the books I have are very important since it is all about healing from abuse.
  • Spend money more wisely – I do waste a lot of money and I am very carefree at times (until the last week before pay day). I will just monitor it better.
  • Write a book – we’ll finish it. Aiming for end of March!
  • Blog more and be more open about my experience – This I’ve been doing well since October anyway but I want to make sure this continues. Increase my audience, with the ultimate goal being to help and inspire other women to really say ‘I mean it this time’. Also increase my Facebook likes on my Page and grow the support Group also. I will also be super honest with everything, no matter how shameful it is.

So there we have it. My aims and goals for 2018. I also have the masters that I am doing and my job that I love, that I am super dedicated to the business development side. So all round it’s a positive bloody beginning to a year.

On a personal level too I really want to date more. My friend spoke about this to me before, explaining how fun it is and I should just do it. It will be part of the healing process but right now I am just communicating with men who are in theory ‘safe’ as we have history. So men that I know. M is obviously not going anywhere but I still feel like that’s a dangerous game, I am falling for him again. Doh! Or is it just because he’s being so nice to me? We actually laugh loads on the phone and he’s helping this process by making me more aware of how badly I was treated and also giving me faith that there is someone else out there. I did see an old flame on Saturday night, he’s one I met out over 4 years ago now. He’s also the same guy who I went with just before my ex was released from jail! That was as good as it always was with him. Again this is great for healing. I was so obsessed with the man who was abusing me and always said he was the best I ever had. Truth is it began to not feel that way! Sharing my body with him, my mind was constantly reminding me how truly awful he had been and I stopped fancying him as much as I did. Being around someone who is incredibly sexy, has never ill treated me, openly tells me how he’ll never forget that first night we met amongst other things to boost my ego and knows what he’s doing made the night 100x better!

So to finish, 2018 I will no longer be obsessed with my ex. The beginning of 2017 I was so sure I did not want anyone else, so adamant I just could never move on, not even sure I could ever kiss another man. I then started believing I would never love anyone as much as him and I would never connect so well sexually with another either but the past 4 weeks I’ve realised that also isn’t true.

I will love again and I will find a loving healthy relationship… when the time is right 😊

Posted in DomesticAbuse, Heartbreak, Parenting, Singlemum, Women

Goodbye 2017 ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

I know that New year New me stuff can be seen as a cliche, but for me this year … It is definitely more than that.

I say goodbye to 2017 feeling pretty darn positive. I literally have 6 dresses to decide from, my beautiful daughters by my side, I will be spending the evening with some of my favourite people and of course a drink or two. What more could a girl ask for?

I learnt a lot this year. I am no longer ashamed about what has happened. Disappointed yes, but not ashamed. The past four years of my life haven’t felt like mine, none of it should have happened to a girl like me. I have of course blamed myself for letting it but the truth is anything can happen to anyone and nothing will ever prepare you.

So 2018 is my new journey. Healing and over coming the events I have endured. Using the pain and turning such a big negative into a positive. My mind is filled with positivity and I have so many ideas I may explode! I know I’ll still have bad days, I know this journey isn’t over yet but …

…. 2018 I am so ready!

Posted in Abuse, relationships, alone, baby, Birth story, Challenge, DomesticAbuse, Heart, Heartbreak, Mistakes, mother, Parenting, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum

They do more harm than good…

Posted on by KerryLouise

… in some situations.

Like I don’t want to knock the whole service as I completely understand how over stretched and over worked they are but in my case and for my family they have done absolutely nothing. They have been completely no benefit at all.

Social Services!

The scary thing is I spoke up, I was honest, I admitted how unhappy I was. Showed them bruises and was very open to the fact he came and went as he pleased. Yet I still was drowning and being ignored. As much as he and his family (now say) think that his actions were acceptable it completely is not. What kind of stability is that for a child. When he let me down, he let them down too. When he disappeared and was uncontactable, he did that to them too. What kind of man does that let alone a father! One that genuinely believes it is ok and has been taught that it is ok that’s who. Looking back at the 100’s, yes 100’s of times he either came late, or not at all, he literally angers me so much. Who taught him basic human respect because he certainly does not have any. He wasn’t just late, he tormented me with it too. So so cruel, would either sweet talk me and say he would make it up to me (still waiting), shout and scream at me for even daring to question his wear abouts, would simply tell me ‘something came up and to stop over-reacting’, threaten that if I carried on he wouldn’t come home at all. He loved me crying and begging him, loved it! If he promised to come round (more recently) and I said ‘not tonight’ simply because I was not up for his lateness games he screamed some more. Accused me of having someone else, told me that this is why he didn’t treat me good and he isn’t going to bother even trying. Sometimes he would tell me he was on his way and not come at all. If you don’t think that that is emotional abuse then there is something deeply wrong with you too! It’s disgusting, someone so desperate as a new mum like I was and he thought it ok to treat me like that. He’s an animal. I feel angry today. I want to scream at him, scream at his mother too and put that dumb letter writing bitch in her place. All these thoughts still going on in my head, how do I get past it? When do I get closure?

I’m waiting for my social worker. I haven’t seen her in a month. She needs to follow protocols and procedures which when my children are on plan purely because of witnessing his behaviour then what are ad-hoc visits going to achieve? As I said I even utilised my visits by telling her what was going on and STILL nothing moved forward. There has never been any concerns of the welfare of my children other than when it came to him. They can’t see their mummy with bruises on her face, or upset and anxious, or experiencing him not coming when he says he would (this is all in the report). They need peace and love and support. Him dealing drugs and answering drug calls in front of them or telling me stories of him getting beat up. Who will they come after next? Exactly why his mother sent him to Northampton. It’s dangerous for drug dealers and the loved ones too. He didn’t care though, he just thought he was putting in the work ready for a future (whilst shagging about in the process). I literally never thought I could have so much hate for him and I do. But with hate comes love (he used to say that) and it’s true. I loved him SO much. He made me so weak, I would have done anything for him. All I wanted was a good honest future for him. I knew he had a good heart and I repeatedly let him disrespect me in the hope we could be a family. Be in love! Fucking prick, shoved it back in my face all the time. Made me feel worthless, and for that I hate him!

I don’t dislike my social worker I just think she’s pointless. I also find it slightly difficult as right now she is my only connection with my ex. Technically it’s a breach as it is indirect contact. I am itching to know though. He is living in London, that was confirmed. Obviously him and his new ‘partner’ are going strong then! Highlights completely how much I fucking did for him here, without my home he has nothing here. Shame he didn’t ever appreciate it. He asked for contact with his daughter, he has asked to pass on presents. Presents I am ok with, the contact makes me feel nervous. It would be so easy to bump into him, I’ll listen to his sorrys. To me he’ll say what I want to hear and act like he admits the ill treatment. I asked the social worker ‘is he even sorry, or just sorry for himself.’ She confirmed just sorry for himself, still adamant I am making it out to be lot worse than it was.

ADMIT IT YOU ASSHOLE. ADMIT IT!!! No one gets to decide how he made me feel only me!

 

Posted in Abuse, relationships, DomesticAbuse, Heartbreak, Journey, life, Mistakes, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum, Strength

A Queen will always turn pain into power

Posted on by KerryLouise

I can’t even explain how good it feels to not have that constant awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. It was wearing me down, wearing me down so bad.

Imagine hearing the bull shit I love you’s whilst still being disrespected and still hoping for the man to step up and be a father. I think about where he might be and I don’t care. Trap yard no doubt or with the ‘partner’ he denied and also disrespected. Having no contact completely was literally the only way. The longer it goes on the clearer I see. He wasn’t letting me go for shit, despite what any bullshit he tells anyone else he was not!! Constantly promising me a dream and should I deny that dream abused me some more.

Reading my old blogs from pregnancy, even BEFORE I found out about ANY infidelity I wrote about how I couldn’t forgive him. This post back in September 2016 9 days to gooooo ! When I didn’t even realise I was being abused. All that nice him is an abusers trait called ‘love bombing’ or ‘hoovering’ . I will do a chapter on that in my book. July 2016 1st July ! Another post where I’m clearly so miserable and so unhappy. All because of him. I don’t want to be bitter but I dislike him to my core. Love pfft, I love the dream he faked, the promises he never kept. I pity his pathetic existence on this earth, so young yet so evil.

It all really shows how unhappy I was. I wasn’t even fully honest, so scared of what people would say! If I ever see him again it will be too soon. I’m so fucking proud of myself. Look at me, look what I’ve achieved! I allowed some low life abusive asshole shadow my life. Treat me so poorly, made me believe I was worthless and deserved it. Wrong mate! Wrong!

My distraction agreed to see me last night after his night out since I wanted to go to my friends instead. After I had to convince him that I would wake up, I began feeling anxious he wouldn’t come. He text saying ‘can’t wait to see you’, I felt uneasy and remembered times my abuser did that and then didn’t show. He didn’t do that though, that’s because he actually respects other people. He isn’t a narcissist sociopath like my ex, he’s sweet, caring and just a shame he’s a little young 🤭

The pain that has been caused by my ex is unmeasurable. I just knew that one day I would find that inner strength from somewhere. I kinda hoped I could get to a stage where I was not affected by his cold unpleasant words and actions. Hoping I could break free naturally without the need of court intervention but like even his mother said, if I waited until he no longer wanted me. No longer wanted to control me, I could be waiting forever. I remember that talk she had with me, ‘I had the strength and I just know you have it too.’ Funny how now she has accused me of ‘making it all up’. There is something VERY wrong with people like her!

Posted in Abuse, relationships, DomesticAbuse, Heartbreak, relationship, Singlemum, Women

Starting to feel at peace

Posted on by KerryLouise

There has been times where I have dredded the weekends. Even when he was half in my life, the chaos and loneliness was mad. I definitely felt more lonely when he was in my life than now he isn’t. I speak to M on the phone every evening and I have another for company too. I don’t always NEED someone with me but communication with the outside world is always nice, rather than an asshole promising you his time, then bailing out last minute or even worse ignoring you when it suits him. Even when he did stick to his word it never happened without drama, without his phone going off as he was needed to go deal drugs or he’d be rude and nasty to me. Abusers like him will treat you bad then expect no backlash from that, expect it to just be taken and then use the emotions he’s created against you. If I felt let down, lonely or sad there was never any responsibility taken by him (only fake when it suited him) there was just more fake promises, more emotional torture and a feeling of ‘never fucking getting out!’ I used to tell him he was pushing me to meet someone else, I of course was a slag and a dirty whore. It’s ok when he uses the reverse as an excuse for his infidelity ‘she was nice to me’ ‘you pushed me to it.’ Double standards ALWAYS! On the other hand he would try and promise that it was all coming to an end and when he was done with the streets he would come back. Never let me go. Treat me like the queen I deserved. Always unrealistic dreams, I was living a nightmare.

More recently it’s became apparent he has stolen my daughters phone. What a disgusting human. There is literally no other explanation. She did not take it out the house and the last time we saw it was 29th September 2017! His birthday , he was here the night before and before I left the house he caused a scene because his mobile had been misplaced. Of course it was everyone else’s fault, and tried hard to not let me leave until it was found. Gosh he was so fucking vile in every way, shape and form. A nice evening spoilt because he misplaced his phone! In fact I say nice evening but I actually remember him being so late. I kept telling him to not bother coming but he begged me, put the ‘I want to wake up with you all on my birthday’ card on me. Despite being late he was very affectionate and loving that evening (weird since I had just got back from Ibiza.) Anyway since then we’ve searched everywhere in this flat. It’s not here. I did ask him when we were communicating between getting the order and the order being served and of course he said ‘baby I promise you.’ But I don’t believe him, he’s just a scumbag thief as well as a violent abusive drug dealer. So I will replace my daughters phone. The 3rd one I’ve replaced the 5th one he’s interfered with in the space of 18 months! 3 smashed up, 1 ‘accidentally lost’ (despite me telling him to not let it leave my flat) and now this 1 suspected theft! Yuck! What an awful human! Never again!

The more I speak to M the more I realise how abusive he really was. M opened up to me about how I had hurt him when I went to Ibiza and did what I did with another man. There was no name calling, no hitting, no nothing in fact he just went quiet on me. My abuser over used my actions whilst he was in prison, over used to the max and felt that worthy of the most venomous words and actions. Why did I believe I deserved it all? He had a choice! I told him whilst he was still behind bars what I had done, he still came out 3 months later telling me it was ok and he wanted me. Telling me he even understood! He should have left, not abused me for 22 months!

I also remember how me and M would have disagreements. Differences in opinions are ok, it NEVER ever EVER ended by him bad mouthing me or undermining me or making me feel like I was going crazy. I am realising more and more how I actually got so so used to being called a Dickhead (that was his favourite one). Used to being tied up in knots and verbally abused repeatedly until I felt worthless and unloved. Used to being called bruv, slag or how I made him sick. None of this is normal. Too much I took, and I tell you something I won’t EVER be disrespected like that by a man ever again.

I’ve had a real positive weak. Looks like from next year myself and 3 other very inspirational women will be coming together to form a group to put a stop to abuse. We also what to provide services for women (and men) who don’t think they can leave. Who need support, as currently what is on offer is inadequate. If it wasn’t for my work and the people I was meeting I’d still be in it now. That’s a given!

I had a moment yesterday thinking about his ‘partners’ letter. You know the partner he calls a mistake to me. The partner he has denied since I found out. The partner who is completely deluded and thinks I’m just a bitter ex. The partner who thinks everything I’ve put in my blog is a lie. I came to realise that so fucking what. She’s irrelevant, one person who has known him for a few months whilst being his ‘side chick’ has no fucking idea. If she wants to lay down next to a man who deals drugs, has no job, carries a knife, hits women, cheats on her (cos he has already) and take him into her home for no financial gain then go for it love. The day I found her number there was another girl he was texting too ‘want to go for a drink!’ LOL so laughable!

I have new interest now, something I thought I would never ever do! I thought I would ALWAYS want him, ALWAYS crave that nice side of him. I thought I could never ever love someone the way I did him. So desperate for him to just act fucking right. I’m healing, I will never allow him to touch me ever again for as long as I live. If a man doesn’t respect me, he isn’t having my body SIMPLE AS THAT!

Posted in DomesticAbuse, Girltalk, Heart, Heartbreak, Mistakes, prisonwives, relationship, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum

The Truth will Conquer

Posted on by KerryLouise

I’ve had a good day today. Well better than still can be expected. It really is always a rollercoaster of emotions. Spoke to M last night for ages. It’s so nice to actually chat with someone and just get on. He makes jokes about me being his girl and we talk about life before. I guess I find him comforting as he’s followed the process since I’ve know him since 2015. He is also highly complimentary and there’s something more satisfying getting that from someone who you’ve actually known. Like you can chat with guys online but generally they will be complimentary since they are trying to smooth talk and charm. From M it seems more real.

It’s when I’m driving in my car alone I get most of my flash backs (apart from yesterday morning in the shower). I was driving back from MK today and I just thought about her letter again. To think I even screen shotted her proof that he text saying how much he loved me just the day before. So blind, so foolish. What bothers me is the fact he makes out to anyone who listens that he can’t see his daughter because I’m basically jealous and bitter! That’s what fucking bothers me because that is so so far from the truth. I know the truth will conquer but until that time I can’t help but have how the conversation would go in my head. I feel so sorry for her writing this letter when he was begging me on Monday, begging me prior to that and slagging her off to me. Continuing to deny her and telling me he fucked her off. How he ruined everything for a stupid mistake with an ugly old coke taker. It’s crazy how he thinks that’s the only reason but hey. Apparently he isn’t sleeping (he did look a mess) and every time he sees a buggy and a family it kills him. Heard this before, shame he kept forgetting that feeling ey! He had enough chances at it.

Anyway when I got home I pulled up my statement that was written for the non molestation order (you know the one I’m supposedly manipulating the services with). It’s brutal. It dates right back to march 2016 where he punched me in the stomach and I had a bleed when pregnant. I mention the smashing up on my phones x3. The bruises, the fat lips and the fact he’s bit my face before. I talk about the bad innocent in January 2017 and then also the most recent with the hard punch in my rib. Then it explains how I suspected another woman but he was denying it and wouldn’t leave me alone. It’s all in there. Furthermore every fucking thing is backed up with evidence. June 2016 when I went into the hospital crying and high blood pressure. My maternity notes had safeguarding warnings, when I was in labour I was asked repeatedly if I was ok him being there. I guess my midwife knew more than she let on! The evidence of all the pictures that were taken by the police. I have holes in my walls! Then the most recent one was witnessed by my 9 year old daughter who told a teacher at the school ! My social worker has seen bruises and all my tears. Other health professionals have been trying to warn me and one in particular I’ve kept in contact with and she has her own batch of evidence. Why the hell am I still finding myself trying to justify myself. HE FUCKING ABUSED ME! I am manipulating NO ONE! He hadn’t seen my statement until Monday, I bet he didn’t show her it. He has been instructed to issue a statement by 8th December, the thought of his response is making me so anxious! The lies are real killers.

I was with my friend today who is also on her own and her baby doesn’t see her dad. We both agreed that yeh our girls may want to find their dads in the future but they’ll soon learn that their mummy’s did the right thing. I love my baby with all my heart and my eldest of course. They are simply my world and I spent so long chasing something that was never going to happen thinking that was for the best. It wasn’t , he isn’t and he doesn’t deserve his daughter or me and my eldest either.

I was looking through photos tonight I want to get some printed for My baby to look back on and see that daddy was in her life at one point. I screenshotted a meme that made me sad and highlighted how much shit I’ve put up with.

28th September 2016 that was on my camera roll. How fitting , and I felt like that from March 2016 – June 2017. Then I just knew I needed to somehow get away. June 2017 on the hen do he tried to sabotage then got angry because I wore a dress I shouldn’t of I did actually get drunk and cry and just said ‘I deserve better.’ I was no longer wanting or hoping for change. He had done too much!

This whole time I’ve had too much empathy, felt bad when he ‘felt bad.’ Didn’t like the thought of him hurting and feeling sorry for himself. Not anymore! He never cared for me, not really. He only loved me when he was in the mood to be nice. He didn’t care when I was sitting up all night waiting for him, threatening suicide or more recently telling him I was lonely and I wanted someone new. How dare I want a new relationship though, of course that made me a slag or I heard more empty promises how things were soon changing.

Typical narcissist, promising amazing stuff it doesn’t happen and all they care about is them!!