Category: relationship

Posted in baby, Diet, DomesticAbuse, exercise, Heartbreak, Journey, Recovering from abuse, relationship, Singlemum, weightloss

“Lovebombing”

Posted on by KerryLouise

There was a post from a lady on one of the domestic abuse groups I’m in. I could so relate “I’ve told him it’s over, but he’s in prison and he’s ringing me telling me he loves me and he will change.” Been there done that! The way the do it is soooo convincing. Every bloody time I genuinely thought well this time is different because of this this and that. It’s crazy insane when I look back.

Throughout my relationship with my babies father I was so confused as to why he made out so badly that he loved me. Couldn’t let me go. After every vile row, every promise he broke, every time he disappeared and every time he cheated. Even the last time I saw him at court! He acted so sincere, so desperate, so scared, so so in love, he seemed angry with himself and he made me feel incredibly loved. Everyone on the post was saying “he’s love bombing you” and the descriptions of lovebombing repeated throughout.

It’s a manipulation tactic to make you feel charmed, loved and a way to reel you back in. It’s their way to hook you. When they lovebomb it’s virtually impossible to not get sucked back in. It was like a drug. I always described it as an alcoholic having a bottle of vodka screaming saying ‘drink me’, it was like far too easy to get sucked back. My head would be screaming no but my body doing differently.

I genuinely believed him. More recently when he was in my presence I loved him, believed him, (apart from when he was shouting at me) but my head would be screaming ‘no he’s lying’, ‘he’s done this before’ but I was given no choice. All four women I outed him on, even before me finding out and he would swear. He would be so convincing, he would lovebomb me to the point where I would question my own integrity, my own sanity and have no choice but to just ‘go with it’ then as soon as he left again, I hated him. I didn’t believe him. I didn’t trust him AT ALL. This time round he seemed even more bothered that I didn’t believe him, so of course that sent my mind in overdrive some more. When all the time he was lying, lying so well and so coldly. A narcissist never feels guilty about his lies but only turns them back round on you. “Bet you’re happy now you can open your dirty legs to the men in your phone” and “what did you expect” and oh his favourite “all I know is if you hadn’t of wronged me when you was in jail I would have given you my world.”

I went on a long walk today and still so many vivid scenarios in my head. The lovebombing, then the lies being revealed, they go over and over. I get angry, I feel pure anger. It’s awful. I still wonder what he’s thinking and what’s going through his head. I’m sure he doesn’t feel bad for how he’s treated me, or how he’s destroyed every bone in my body, no course not. Asshole.

Anyway aside from my long walk and the bad feelings, I’ve had a good day. I got my nails done, bought some new items and chilled with friends in the evening. My daily glads!

I’m glad my nails look so nice with the heat colour changing nail polish.

I’m glad my Timberlands were £122 from £175

I’m glad I chose my daughter some trainers and they were also reduced when I paid for them

I’m glad my eldest daughter now has a phone after a bad person stole hers

Posted in Abuse, relationships, alone, baby, DomesticAbuse, relationship, relationships, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum, Strength

Monday 25th December 2017

Posted on by KerryLouise

It’s only another day really and to be honest I have coped quite well. I am not looking forward to my eldest going to her dads in a bit but I do feel super tired so hopefully I just sleep. M will probably ring me so that does help but I’ve not been feeling good about that situation recently. He’s being nice, a tad erratic at times though and he doesn’t always think before he speaks but his heart is in the right place. He text me earlier too to say merry Christmas and when he knew I was going out Friday he text then too. Other times he just calls. He’s not right for me. I need to break the cycle of falling for emotionally unavailable or just simply unavailable because of where they are men!

My mind has been going over drive again of course! I feel sick about how happy I felt Christmas Day morning, how in love I felt, despite the ill treatment the two evenings prior! I was so under his spell it is scary! Christmas Day evening and he was so nasty, played with my emotions telling me he would just go out as ‘no point being here.’ All because I had been waiting around for him all day and his mum decided it was too late to go by the time HE has finished doing his drug dealing duties. It was all my fault once again. Obviously I later found out he had been cheating on me too so that deceit is hard to get over. I hate him.

I tell you something it is so so hard to even describe his actions this time last year. Nothing I ever said was right, he was moody, he was nasty, cruel and evil at times. He then made me feel amazing and protected and in love at other times, this would be in the space of a few hours. Constant state of confusion. Everything had to be on his terms, he would fight me for my phone, deny till he was blue in the face there was no one else but just turn it all back round on me. It was around this time I self harmed, I took a knife to my own arm to just get him to shut up with his torture. His words were torture. Being called a slag, being told I begged for it when his cousin sexually assaulted me and that I was always the problem.

Promising someone you are coming home and then disappearing is emotional abuse. His mother normalises it and so he has absolutely no idea about respect. He wouldn’t even be sorry! I would have been up all night, I still feel that feeling now. Telling me that I make him sick is emotional abuse. Kicking off because I wouldn’t have sex in his sisters bed in front of my 2 awake children is emotional abuse. Why did I allow this all to happen and it would be me apologising to him! Begging him to come home. He is truly mentally ill. To treat another human being the way he did me is not ok and it is not right and more importantly now it is illegal!

His sister watched on whilst he just kept going on and on and on and on at me whilst I just stared at myself in the mirror crying my eyes out looking at my still slightly plump figure! My baby was only 3 months old, I look back in time at me! I can see me, crying, hurt, broken and so so confused. I want to inject me with self worth, I want to tell me that I was never ever ever the problem, it was always him. A waste of space drug dealing cheating vile human that even comparing him to the devil is mild.

I spent today glad I don’t have him number. I would call him if I could! I’m feeling like this a lot recently, I want to hurt him the way he has me. I feel so bitter, something I never ever wanted, something that actually by not wanting to be, kept me under his nasty spell some more. But I am bitter and I do want to see him hurt. I want to hear him cry, cry out that deafening heart breaking cry that he inflicted on me so many times. Yet could just walk out and go and sleep easily next to some other girl. Doing that to a pregnant woman or one with a newborn is deranged and I will not EVER EVER forget.

However going in to self pity is just what he does. Poor him, dealt drugs because his dad wasn’t around type of person. God the crap he would come out with. I won’t do that, I will turn my bad experience with the lowlife scum into something very very fucking positive.

Watch me look the best I have ever done in 2018, watch me be successful in my job, watch me publish a book, watch me do great at uni and watch me meet a man who treats me better than he ever fucking could.

I won’t forget that when I found out about his 4th and final affair he said ‘she’s just a distraction, she means nothing, I know you, you’ll meet someone and do it properly’ sounding desperate and scared at the thought! YES I FUCKING WILL. No doubt it’ll just send you further into your own pity party and as a defence mechanism be crying out ‘she never loved me anyway.’ Well unfortunately for you. I did, I fucking did!!

Posted in DomesticAbuse, Mistakes, mother, relationship, relationships, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum, Strength

She set her boundaries and rebuilt her life

Posted on by KerryLouise

A week on Monday I am presenting my presentation on boundaries to a group of fellow networkers. I’ve distanced myself from reading all about narcissism and abuse for a few days. It got too much, and I felt I was reliving too much of the abuse. He’s an abusive man there are no two ways about it I didn’t need to keep finding proof of that.

I’ve been in a better place recently. Like mentioned before realising more and more how a person should be treated by a sexual partner or even a close friend. It’s mad how much I put up with and how much I justified and considered normal.

I’ve been preparing my presentation and the more I am away and out of the abuse I can literally tick the majority of any lists that are about abuse available. Like the Stuff that is considered as emotional abuse and not just awful vile name calling.

• living in your home, and not contributing to the bills (boy yes. Always promised money but withheld it when I did something wrong)

• damaging your property – punching walls/smashing phones (3 holes in my wall and 3 phones)

• serial cheating and then blaming you for doing so (ALWAYS)

• threatening to cheat when sex is denied (he would tell me ‘you think I need your dead sex anyway’)

• cheating to prove that they are more desired than you are & telling you you will never find better (I can picture him now touching his face , saying how handsome he was and how I was old and ‘past it’)

• attempting to control what you wear – YES I have a voice recording of evidence of this

• Sexual coercion !!

~ making you feel like you owe them

~ continue to pressure you after you say no

~ playing on the fact you’re in a relationship – ‘if I don’t get sex from you I’ll get it elsewhere’ and his favourite ‘what a joke, can’t even get sex from my own woman’ oh and ‘you just can’t keep up with me’

~ trying to normalise their sexual expectations ‘I need it, I’m a man’

~ reacting negatively with sadness, anger or resentment if you say no or don’t immediately agree

This was all taken from an American domestic violence website. There were obviously many more abusive traits I just kept ticking off in my head. An abusive man to the very core, and for so so long I didn’t see it! I remember feeling mad with my old health visitor ‘he’s controlling’, she told me! I got my back up, convinced myself he wasn’t as I was allowed to go about my business. But the truth is ALL these things are about control, controlling the way I feel about myself, respect myself, things I do! I could go on, but I have a lot in this blog already.

I’m so excited about my presentation and I have booked in 5 more slots for next year around the East Midlands area. I will talk about these personal boundaries and then also the boundaries business owners should have. With that it links with my work and what my services are whilst networking.

We have court again next week, I feel petrified. I am also worried I won’t have even sorted legal aid in that time due to the fact I am giving up my mortgage. I shall not worry myself, it isn’t something I can change. However what I can remind myself is that I am now in control. I now have boundaries in place. I’ve evidenced that within new relationships (I use the word relationship loosely) but I know what it is to be respected now and what not to put up with. Lack of consideration for my feelings, ignoring blatant questions I have asked, anything verbally abusive, making me feel anyway other than content … then no! He’s got to go!

Posted in Abuse, relationships, DomesticAbuse, Heartbreak, relationship, Singlemum, Women

Starting to feel at peace

Posted on by KerryLouise

There has been times where I have dredded the weekends. Even when he was half in my life, the chaos and loneliness was mad. I definitely felt more lonely when he was in my life than now he isn’t. I speak to M on the phone every evening and I have another for company too. I don’t always NEED someone with me but communication with the outside world is always nice, rather than an asshole promising you his time, then bailing out last minute or even worse ignoring you when it suits him. Even when he did stick to his word it never happened without drama, without his phone going off as he was needed to go deal drugs or he’d be rude and nasty to me. Abusers like him will treat you bad then expect no backlash from that, expect it to just be taken and then use the emotions he’s created against you. If I felt let down, lonely or sad there was never any responsibility taken by him (only fake when it suited him) there was just more fake promises, more emotional torture and a feeling of ‘never fucking getting out!’ I used to tell him he was pushing me to meet someone else, I of course was a slag and a dirty whore. It’s ok when he uses the reverse as an excuse for his infidelity ‘she was nice to me’ ‘you pushed me to it.’ Double standards ALWAYS! On the other hand he would try and promise that it was all coming to an end and when he was done with the streets he would come back. Never let me go. Treat me like the queen I deserved. Always unrealistic dreams, I was living a nightmare.

More recently it’s became apparent he has stolen my daughters phone. What a disgusting human. There is literally no other explanation. She did not take it out the house and the last time we saw it was 29th September 2017! His birthday , he was here the night before and before I left the house he caused a scene because his mobile had been misplaced. Of course it was everyone else’s fault, and tried hard to not let me leave until it was found. Gosh he was so fucking vile in every way, shape and form. A nice evening spoilt because he misplaced his phone! In fact I say nice evening but I actually remember him being so late. I kept telling him to not bother coming but he begged me, put the ‘I want to wake up with you all on my birthday’ card on me. Despite being late he was very affectionate and loving that evening (weird since I had just got back from Ibiza.) Anyway since then we’ve searched everywhere in this flat. It’s not here. I did ask him when we were communicating between getting the order and the order being served and of course he said ‘baby I promise you.’ But I don’t believe him, he’s just a scumbag thief as well as a violent abusive drug dealer. So I will replace my daughters phone. The 3rd one I’ve replaced the 5th one he’s interfered with in the space of 18 months! 3 smashed up, 1 ‘accidentally lost’ (despite me telling him to not let it leave my flat) and now this 1 suspected theft! Yuck! What an awful human! Never again!

The more I speak to M the more I realise how abusive he really was. M opened up to me about how I had hurt him when I went to Ibiza and did what I did with another man. There was no name calling, no hitting, no nothing in fact he just went quiet on me. My abuser over used my actions whilst he was in prison, over used to the max and felt that worthy of the most venomous words and actions. Why did I believe I deserved it all? He had a choice! I told him whilst he was still behind bars what I had done, he still came out 3 months later telling me it was ok and he wanted me. Telling me he even understood! He should have left, not abused me for 22 months!

I also remember how me and M would have disagreements. Differences in opinions are ok, it NEVER ever EVER ended by him bad mouthing me or undermining me or making me feel like I was going crazy. I am realising more and more how I actually got so so used to being called a Dickhead (that was his favourite one). Used to being tied up in knots and verbally abused repeatedly until I felt worthless and unloved. Used to being called bruv, slag or how I made him sick. None of this is normal. Too much I took, and I tell you something I won’t EVER be disrespected like that by a man ever again.

I’ve had a real positive weak. Looks like from next year myself and 3 other very inspirational women will be coming together to form a group to put a stop to abuse. We also what to provide services for women (and men) who don’t think they can leave. Who need support, as currently what is on offer is inadequate. If it wasn’t for my work and the people I was meeting I’d still be in it now. That’s a given!

I had a moment yesterday thinking about his ‘partners’ letter. You know the partner he calls a mistake to me. The partner he has denied since I found out. The partner who is completely deluded and thinks I’m just a bitter ex. The partner who thinks everything I’ve put in my blog is a lie. I came to realise that so fucking what. She’s irrelevant, one person who has known him for a few months whilst being his ‘side chick’ has no fucking idea. If she wants to lay down next to a man who deals drugs, has no job, carries a knife, hits women, cheats on her (cos he has already) and take him into her home for no financial gain then go for it love. The day I found her number there was another girl he was texting too ‘want to go for a drink!’ LOL so laughable!

I have new interest now, something I thought I would never ever do! I thought I would ALWAYS want him, ALWAYS crave that nice side of him. I thought I could never ever love someone the way I did him. So desperate for him to just act fucking right. I’m healing, I will never allow him to touch me ever again for as long as I live. If a man doesn’t respect me, he isn’t having my body SIMPLE AS THAT!

Posted in DomesticAbuse, Girltalk, Heart, Heartbreak, Mistakes, prisonwives, relationship, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum

The Truth will Conquer

Posted on by KerryLouise

I’ve had a good day today. Well better than still can be expected. It really is always a rollercoaster of emotions. Spoke to M last night for ages. It’s so nice to actually chat with someone and just get on. He makes jokes about me being his girl and we talk about life before. I guess I find him comforting as he’s followed the process since I’ve know him since 2015. He is also highly complimentary and there’s something more satisfying getting that from someone who you’ve actually known. Like you can chat with guys online but generally they will be complimentary since they are trying to smooth talk and charm. From M it seems more real.

It’s when I’m driving in my car alone I get most of my flash backs (apart from yesterday morning in the shower). I was driving back from MK today and I just thought about her letter again. To think I even screen shotted her proof that he text saying how much he loved me just the day before. So blind, so foolish. What bothers me is the fact he makes out to anyone who listens that he can’t see his daughter because I’m basically jealous and bitter! That’s what fucking bothers me because that is so so far from the truth. I know the truth will conquer but until that time I can’t help but have how the conversation would go in my head. I feel so sorry for her writing this letter when he was begging me on Monday, begging me prior to that and slagging her off to me. Continuing to deny her and telling me he fucked her off. How he ruined everything for a stupid mistake with an ugly old coke taker. It’s crazy how he thinks that’s the only reason but hey. Apparently he isn’t sleeping (he did look a mess) and every time he sees a buggy and a family it kills him. Heard this before, shame he kept forgetting that feeling ey! He had enough chances at it.

Anyway when I got home I pulled up my statement that was written for the non molestation order (you know the one I’m supposedly manipulating the services with). It’s brutal. It dates right back to march 2016 where he punched me in the stomach and I had a bleed when pregnant. I mention the smashing up on my phones x3. The bruises, the fat lips and the fact he’s bit my face before. I talk about the bad innocent in January 2017 and then also the most recent with the hard punch in my rib. Then it explains how I suspected another woman but he was denying it and wouldn’t leave me alone. It’s all in there. Furthermore every fucking thing is backed up with evidence. June 2016 when I went into the hospital crying and high blood pressure. My maternity notes had safeguarding warnings, when I was in labour I was asked repeatedly if I was ok him being there. I guess my midwife knew more than she let on! The evidence of all the pictures that were taken by the police. I have holes in my walls! Then the most recent one was witnessed by my 9 year old daughter who told a teacher at the school ! My social worker has seen bruises and all my tears. Other health professionals have been trying to warn me and one in particular I’ve kept in contact with and she has her own batch of evidence. Why the hell am I still finding myself trying to justify myself. HE FUCKING ABUSED ME! I am manipulating NO ONE! He hadn’t seen my statement until Monday, I bet he didn’t show her it. He has been instructed to issue a statement by 8th December, the thought of his response is making me so anxious! The lies are real killers.

I was with my friend today who is also on her own and her baby doesn’t see her dad. We both agreed that yeh our girls may want to find their dads in the future but they’ll soon learn that their mummy’s did the right thing. I love my baby with all my heart and my eldest of course. They are simply my world and I spent so long chasing something that was never going to happen thinking that was for the best. It wasn’t , he isn’t and he doesn’t deserve his daughter or me and my eldest either.

I was looking through photos tonight I want to get some printed for My baby to look back on and see that daddy was in her life at one point. I screenshotted a meme that made me sad and highlighted how much shit I’ve put up with.

28th September 2016 that was on my camera roll. How fitting , and I felt like that from March 2016 – June 2017. Then I just knew I needed to somehow get away. June 2017 on the hen do he tried to sabotage then got angry because I wore a dress I shouldn’t of I did actually get drunk and cry and just said ‘I deserve better.’ I was no longer wanting or hoping for change. He had done too much!

This whole time I’ve had too much empathy, felt bad when he ‘felt bad.’ Didn’t like the thought of him hurting and feeling sorry for himself. Not anymore! He never cared for me, not really. He only loved me when he was in the mood to be nice. He didn’t care when I was sitting up all night waiting for him, threatening suicide or more recently telling him I was lonely and I wanted someone new. How dare I want a new relationship though, of course that made me a slag or I heard more empty promises how things were soon changing.

Typical narcissist, promising amazing stuff it doesn’t happen and all they care about is them!!

Posted in alone, baby, cheat, Deceit, DomesticAbuse, Fitness, Heartbreak, law, Lonely, Mistakes, pregnancy, prison, prisonwives, relationship, relationships, Singlemum

My ‘love’ back behind bars !

Posted on by KerryLouise

Took the police 5 weeks to catch up with him. 5 weeks!! I warned him he needed to do it before we had our social services meeting, despite his promises he just didn’t. Scared he was going to jail he told me. I did not think it would come to that! Just did not. 

I got myself caught back up in his cycle once again. A week before his arrest on 13th March he was promising money daily and it was so exhausting but I kept relying on it so bad so I had to go with it! ‘Let me see you both before I hand myself in please’ and ‘I need to give you your money’ , all just excuses to see me. Then once I saw him… I am weak. The Thursday morning I had had enough, promised money first thing.. countless missed calls and even one he cancelled (although he denies) and I thought enough is enough. Money my arse he won’t give me any! I sent long messages to his mother and father. I can’t lie the anxiety in my head and the visions of him ignoring me in my head was mainly what drove me too it. Reminder of before and well we know why he ignored me before!! Rather be with some dumb girl then admit to me that he doesn’t have any money. I blocked him.. fuck him! He called in the afternoon from withheld and I cancelled it 3 times. Proud! 

Friday morning he did the same but this time I listened, the sob story of how he couldn’t sleep and how he had the money etc. The usual battle of a phone call where some how he twists it to me being the one at fault. I calmed down and the afternoon I called him back in the hope I would get some money out of him. I was skint! Straight away he came to me and we went to the supermarket. A conversation before hand made me melt. The trip to the supermarket made me feel on a high, something so minor that most take for granted felt so good. Better than a drug. We looked like a normal family, happy and in love. The way he touches me, smiles and acts around our daughter. It’s all too much. The sex after this is euphoric but once again reality hits me slap in my face when he goes because he’s still wanted. Wanted for his assault on me, the pair of us are crazy! He equally should stay away from me, I could frame him for murder and he still wouldn’t stay away! 

He leaves ‘I love you,  call me later’, I don’t! I just can’t put myself through even the thought of him not answering my phone call on a Friday night. He was still blocked too. We speak on Saturday, 3 times I call him throughout the day and he answers each time. He doesn’t even KNOW how much better that makes me feel! Sunday morning he turns up at mine after his night out.. coming in at that time used to absolutely put me beside my self. Then when he stopped coming full stop I longed for those days, pathetic and not a relationship. 

Sunday morning was the last I saw of him. Again the 3 of us just chilling, then slept was ALL I wanted. All I ever wanted. Being at mine makes me anxious and so I left him to sleep and went out for the day whilst he slept his night out off. Monday morning came and I admit I knew he was coming after school run but I had a meeting at the school. I had told him but I knew he would have forgot. Finished my meeting and of course he’s pissed off. Strop city!! I kind of wish we hadn’t of left it like that but equally he needs to understand how it feels when people are not where they said they were going to be. The conversations on the phone then were completely toxic and I left him too it. See you at the meeting I screamed! 

Well I didn’t see him. He turned up late, wasn’t allowed in and I was informed he was being arrested and being recalled to prison.

My heart fucking sank. I cried. He needs to hear this I cry, what’s the point in holding this when the other parent is not even allowed to be present. The police officer in the room paints an awful picture of him based on intelligence. He looks like a real threat to his daughter, threat to me. It just all looks so terrible. Domestic abuse! Domestic violence! Drug dealing! Carrying weapons. Hearing it all, it hits home!! I still feel like my heart has been pulled out. Prison again!

That evening brings back loads of memories. He had called his mother earlier on and asked me to look in his old prison bag. I did. All my emails, cards, pictures! FFS we were so in love! What the hell happened???!!! How did we get to this! Emails I had sent where he had underlined words and sentences. Prison is a fucked up place, and it fucked him up and I did hurt him! I felt like this was what I wanted but it still didn’t feel good.

The next morning I spoke with the police officer. She was lovely and told me he was recalled only due to the fact he took so long for arrest. Not good character when on licence. I’m still yet to know how long he has but with no new offences the longest it will be is 6 weeks. This day I felt good, I felt fucking free!! I knew where he was, he couldn’t smoke, drink, shag whatever dirt box to void his feelings now. Just him , his own thoughts, memories and countless men! Perfect! 

Wednesday 15th and the last time I heard his voice. I was shocked to hear him, he sounded fine. Loving even. No blame on me at all. He’s using his charm, tells me how already he’s thinking of me moving on, can’t bare it. Asks me to be good for him and tells me if this time I am I’ll see a changed man. He gets 22 minutes call time and I do reciprocate his ‘I love you’ and ‘I miss you’ at the end of the call. I’d already sent a harsh straight to the point email by this point which he would of had the pleasure of being delivered the next day. Good! Harsh, real facts on how he has treated the woman who was there for him. Like really there for him! He needs to know! He did joke on the phone about how I must be loving this! Yes I do. I felt like I had been released from prison. Roles reversed. 

I believe he tried to call me on Tuesday, he didn’t get through so called his sister and passed on some shitty message! He got another email from me, look how he reacts after I miss one call. Yet he can ignore his phone ALL day and it’s perfectly fine and I’m made to feel like a dick for caring! He could have said hope you are all ok but no. This is him ALL over .. defensive negativeness and thinks I’m just ‘airing’ him. He’s so transparent to me now, he’s hurt because he didn’t get to speak to me! Hurt, so he attacks. 

I’ve spoke with my new social worker. I like her. She’s going to visit him inside. The whole report is very bias, paints an awful picture of him and I hold my hands up to all professionals that I have been violent. I often provoke situations and push him. I need help with my anger and I need help dealing with the events from the past year. He needs help dealing with stuff I have also put him through but I will never lose sight of how manipulative and how much he has mentally abused me when I was pregnant and then when I had a newborn. 

When he first came out of jail I was the most amazing woman on this planet apparently. He wanted to marry me. Confusing him when I was honest about my infidelity the weekend before he came home just blew up massively in my face. He blamed EVERYTHING on that. The reason he was risking his freedom was all my fault. If he had just held a job down, kept away from his wasteman friends and stepped away from that road trap life we would NOT be here today! 

The whole year has ALL been because I did not tolerate his choices. His illegal activities that of cause he gaslighted me and made out it wasn’t happening. He thinks I was born yesterday, driving him around to ‘pick stuff up from his bredrin’, finding cash on him. The begging, the pleading, the promises he made that it wasn’t on a big scale. He wasn’t touching anything apparently. I was always always so petrified he’d end up back in jail. My uncooperation which led to constant rows sent him to be the cheating animal he became! Of course he’d pick a 19 year old not bothered about his lifestyle over me giving him constant headache! Of course!! 

It’s now, now or never. This short time inside could be the blessing he needed to be a proper father and have a decent relationship with his beautiful little baby girl. That life he is in deep in ain’t worth the life he’s currently living. Friday night and banged up in a cell since 4pm. If this doesn’t show him his daughter is worth more, then NOTHING WILL! 

Posted in alone, DomesticAbuse, Heartbreak, relationship, Singlemum, Weight

Feeling strong ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

I got through the whole of yesterday without calling him, without unblocking him and it was hard but I feel so good from it this morning. I tried to call the social worker but I doubt very much he has bothered. In that case he won’t see his baby and I mean that. My children are too precious. 

I’m completely using all this energy to educate myself on what abuse is. He is an abusive man, he isn’t lost, he didn’t just have a bad life and prison and smoking cannabis does not make someone as abusive as he is. Equally what ever I have done or do in arguments does not provoke him to turn into that evil vile cretin I see so often. 

Even putting the words and violence aside his actions are emotional psychologically abusive! Disappearing for hours on end which gradually became longer and longer. He wouldn’t just show at 5/6am it then became 7/8am then slowly 2pm then sometimes days! August bank holiday I didn’t hear from him in 48 fucking hours, our baby was due 16th September !!! Complete asshole. The book goes on about how the abuser drifts you so far away from what is normal and what is reality that you put up with it more and more but the fact is … It isn’t normal. It’s disrespectful, destructive and absolutely soul destroying. There were times I worried he had been hurt, been arrested or of course was with someone else. Oh but couldn’t he lie, he had me absolutely oblivious to the fact he could ever cheat on me. When baby was here and I was heavily pregnant he told me how he went 16 months without sex in jail, he isn’t a cheat, looked deeply into my eyes! The book explains ‘lying is abuse, a form of psychologically abuse which over time is highly destructive!’ He’s a liar and that is putting it mildly.

When it began to happen again over new year he is so wrapped up in his own life and lies he even had a go at me for being paranoid and I was the one saying sorry! One morning he even came in saying how sorry he was and that he felt sick when he woke because he knew what I would think and oh he just can’t lose me! *Rolls eyes* What about the times he’s text to say he’s on his way home and I’m left wide awake, anxious and completely disturbed to the fact he just ISN’T coming. If he doesn’t think anything else is abuse he will learn one day along with his mother that this is ABUSE! His mother and sister would say ‘it’s just dominic’ ‘he’s done this his whole life.’ Well he needs to grow up!! It is NOT OK! What kind of man leaves his 4 day old baby with her mother who has just had a caesarean and cannot get out of bed?! That’s right HIM and now that I know why it makes me realise what a cold hearted self centered individual he really is. 

I was soooo sick of the constant conversations, I accepted the fact he never wanted to be at home but I just wanted him contactable. Each time he was like ‘I understand’ and ‘it wouldn’t happen again’. Why the FUCKING hell FUCKING FUCKITDY FUCK did I let him get away with it!!!!???

The book talks of ‘double standards’ .. We saw that just last weekend. It was ok for him to spend the night with another woman last Friday night but me texting a man and receiving flowers from him meant I was a whore and could never be loyal.

  ‘An abusive man subtly or overtly imposes a system in which he is exempt from the rules and standards that applies to you’ 

Oh boy how true this is, not only with sex but everything. He was ok to leave me on my own with no plans but if he was bored and I had plans he made me feel guilty. ‘Always doing things you are’ ‘Leaving me on my own’ and ‘This is why I’m never here’. It was ok to wake the whole house and me up when we had to take him to work or he came back at stupid o’clock in the morning. He didn’t mind me laying awake all night with work next day but when his sleep was disturbed all hell broke lose. The most recent one was how it wasn’t right that he was looking after our child just so I could earn money to then go out with. Sorry ?! Did he not go out every single fucking weekend for the past year!! God I could go on and on but I think the picture has been drawn. 

Having a moment where I want to ring him. I must remind myself that there is no point. He’ll just be feeling sorry for himself. Hearing from me he will feel like everything is ok because I am not strong enough to tell him that it isn’t. I feel sorry for him when he cries, when he tells me he’s fucked up. Did he ever feel sorry for me when he could just go out and leave me for hours and hours ?! 

NO!! 

My fitness has suffered this week. I managed 1 run but only 33,000 steps for the week! Shocking. Back on it now! 

He will not bring me down anymore! 

Posted in alone, baby, cheat, Deceit, DomesticAbuse, Girltalk, Heart, Heartbreak, Lonely, love, relationship, relationships, sex, Singlemum

I have an addiction..

Posted on by KerryLouise

.. And I can see that now. That addiction is in the form of a man. A man who has treated me so so badly yet I cannot for the life of me seem to break the cycle. I love him. I love him too much. 

My last post showed some strength. He went to London that night and a week later he was in my bed again. Oh my GOD what a night.. We didn’t get any sleep and we had passionate amazing intimate sex all night. It wasn’t my plan, no way was it! I had gone 2 weeks not doing that with him and that was literally the longest time. To anyone who doesn’t understand how these types of relationships work 2 weeks may seem pathetic but for me it was a big step. 

Having his phone number blocked and changing my number was also a big step but the Friday after I sent him on his way he got my number from his sisters phone. We facetimed, he saw his baby and he looked sad. Sad and lost and gutted about how everything had turned out. Told me I looked beautiful and how he had missed us. There were a few disagreements throughout the day but so irrelevant now I can’t go into them. He acts that way when he doesn’t get his own way! Angry, aggressive , I was called a dirty little tramp but that’s minor to what I’ve been called in the past. We didn’t part the conversation on bad terms though and he asked me to call him the next day, I said maybe. I didn’t ! (Another big step) I woke up to texts from his sisters phone , his number was still blocked and I was strong and didn’t reply. That afternoon he called from a number I didn’t know and explained he had been calling and texting etc and that he was coming back that night. ‘OMG’ my heart dropped. I made a promise to myself I wouldn’t ring again and I wouldn’t get anxious about the time he would show but I couldn’t help it. Back to previous rows about his inability to judge time and how long it would take him to get here. I needed to calm down, this man no longer rules my life. He eventually showed, 2 hours later than he originally stated but he was there. Sweet talking, led to me feeling weak and vulnerable. Once again I found myself in his arms, staring into his eyes and having absolutely no self control. It feels so right because it is just completely so wrong and so forbidden. 

I felt OK the next day. He made comments about how he was so scared that he thought he had really lost me, I made it clear he didn’t have me back but let’s be honest he knows he’s still got me. He promised his timing, his support, his contact and everything else was going to prove to me that he wants me. He wants us and all the previous shit he has put me through was just him getting completely lost in a oblivion of drink and his problem with cannabis. 

It was good for 2 weeks, early for his time with Ariana. Spent time with me, watching films having a laugh and being with Ariana together as well as watching her whilst I got to go to the gym and pop into town. The Sunday after he even broke down to me saying how he can’t do it anymore he needs me back properly and he cannot cope without me. I cradled him like a baby, assuring him things will be ok we both just need more time. He got in touch with his feelings and explained how strong I am, how he can’t believe what he’s put me through and that he would never cope if I had left him to be with someone else. He often said please let me home, told me it would ease me. Times without him sent me angry sometimes, he would get abusive texts from me which he took on the chin and explained that he knew he had to take it. Wanted to be around me more so I wouldn’t over think about all the bad stuff. I still wasn’t ready for that. 

During this time I started to convince myself that maybe I am addicted to this drama. The chaos that this relationship brings. I don’t want boring, I can’t do boring and knowing full well I would end up with him but just didn’t want to put that label on it just yet! I had been talking to other men, nothing real not really but last Thursday night he showed his true colours once more after seeing a text message from one particular guy. When that guy then sent me flowers the next day that didn’t bode well either. 

Is he serious ? I won’t ever be loyal he screamed. “As usual I’m the one with men on my phone!” Look what he’s put me through in regards to other girls, hearing them in the background where he’s openly admitted that he’s with them. Two wrongs don’t make a right he would say…. Funny when it’s him ‘getting revenge’ then that’s ok.

Saturday was an amazing day for us both. He spoke about how when he was inside and he just longed to touch me, he took it for granted and he wasn’t going to anymore. Told me no other woman makes him feel the way I do and he loves how we can just be silly together. Best sex of his life it is, talking about how we just fit so perfect and I have to agree. In the bedroom we are so compatible. The fantasy of me and him changed when he couldn’t find his hat, he kicked off. Blaming me again, indirectly of course because that’s what abusers do. Using words to make me feel like I am to blame yet when I stand up to him he twists it to that I’m going crazy. Hat finding then developed into me rubbing it in his face regarding other men. My flowers were seen chucked across the room and my phone once again hidden. I got my phone back but he didn’t want to talk, he ignored my calls and so I gave up and went to my friends. I was upset, why act so irrational?! It’s been going so well. Familiar behaviour I’ve witnessed so many times before. He then began trying to call me, texting me …  I ignored him for a change. How dare he go on like he did earlier?! All that was meant to have stopped ! 

5:30am he called and I answered. I let him in and he explained that he just gets so jealous. He cannot bare me with anyone else and he just wants me to himself. Again the sex is incredible, he performs oral sex for the first time in months. That’s a big deal for him, and I 100% believe him that I am still the only woman he’s ever done that too. We share a shower together after I went for my run and I’m feeling once again on a high on that rollercoaster. 

That’s until I received a message on Facebook, from one of the girls I saw on his phone before. He told me she was someone he cheated on that other girl with when we broke up, but the conversation I had with her showed me he had tried to start things up again. They had indeed met back in September once again showing me the girl he went off with he definitely didn’t care about anymore than just a place to stay. This man is insane, so insecure that by not having me properly and seeing me have other men to speak to he just HAS to do the same! I’m so numb to him with others now I don’t react… Boy but he does. Takes my phone, smashes it off the floor because of the conversation with the man who sent me flowers. Acting like a man possessed. My phone completely smashed up and yet he’s still spewing venom at me. I’m being a snake, being a stalker, how I’m not being loyal anyway. Once again all my fault. My phone!!! I was so angry!! How is it ok for him to continue the way he does but I have a few texts and some flowers sent and I’m the one punished !! 

The next 24 hours are crucial. He doesn’t leave me alone. He calls the girl and tells her to delete his number, tells her he’s sorry but he wants and loves me. (He’s never done that before!) Its a continuous exhausting back and forth arguments, where he would say sorry and beg and plead. I find out he saw her the night before my birthday. I JUST KNEW IT! He is incapable of being loyal. He needs all these girls to feed his big ego. I agree with him our sex life has got better again, I’m sure it’s due to my body springing back. I am definitely more confident and of course looking and feeling better and he said how he made a mistake after the flowers but woke up with feelings of regret Saturday morning. Really? Really now?! 

Sunday night sees me unable to sleep next to him. So angry he can smash up my phone, shout abuse after everything he’s done to me and still doing just won’t leave my head. I’m telling him he’s disgusting, how he makes me sick. I want to hurt him when he turns those words back on me… How fucking dare he?! He should be taking this, not trying to undermine my loyalty. “Oh and you’re miss perfect are you?” Sends me fucking angry. I try hit him, he gets the better of me once again. I have bruises! I have a hole in my living room wall. He just cannot cannot see things from my perspective. 

I went to the police again, his violence has got worse. He hasn’t learnt shit. It’s so so scary how well he can lie. The shower we shared where he promised no other woman since we split, he hasn’t dared apparently. Fucking bullshit. Then he can say ‘well I am single’ … SO AM I!!! Yet I still have a broken phone and mashed up flowers! 

Yesterday I began regretting calling that woman with him present. If I had waited my phone wouldn’t have been smashed and I wouldn’t have got so angry by the double standards. I was provoking him through the night but I just could not cope with him being able to sleep after the day we had had. This recent bird wasn’t the problem it was his actions ! Even after the phone smashing, the arguments we still had sex. Insane!! Then he would cuddle me and I would feel sick and angry again. 

I have to not blame myself though. He made the choice to smash up my phone. He made the choice to go to her on Friday night in response to some fucking flowers. He has done so so much that it was bound to come to blows eventually. 

We’ve spoke since, he knows there is a warrant out for his arrest. He’s cried again, even before he left me he kissed all my bruises ‘that wasn’t me’ he would explain. But it is and it isn’t right. 

I’m reading a book. It’s giving me strength, I’ve been a victim of domestic abuse for 12 months and I am not afraid to admit it. I can relate so much to everything in the book and although I love him I know I cannot deal with it for any longer. I will send myself mental. A friend told me of a statistic that shows a high proportion of women in asylum are actually there due to emotional and psychological from abusive partners. I can see that!

Due to the police involvement the school have been working closely with me. Today we had a meeting which was scheduled even before the recent episode. At times I felt criticised by the 6 professionals sat around me but they all assured me that I am an amazing mum and I left the meeting feeling good.

The social worker has recommended no direct contact with him. They can all see how much I love him too and how it’s likely I will go back to him but right now it isn’t healthy for me or my children. They are right. They explained that they have seen men in the school that have changed after professional intervention but I know full well I shouldn’t get my hopes up. I need to have some little hope though to get myself through this. 

Right now I’m concentrating on educating myself about abusive men, reminding myself of what I have been through and knowing that with or without him I will eventually be happy. I have my beautiful children, I have the rest of my life. I will use this experience in some way to turn it into a positive. I want to write my book and focus on my career. Experiences are what moulds us! 

I wish I didn’t love him so much! 

Posted in alone, cheat, Company, Deceit, Detox, Parenting, relationship, relationships, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum, Weight, weightloss, Women

Getting there .. 

Posted on by KerryLouise

Last night I couldn’t believe the difference a week had made. I saw him yesterday but I stayed very strong. The week before I was still waiting on him to move heaven on earth for me after yet another cheating episode. Then when it got to the evening and I knew he went back to hers I felt so angry, betrayed, sick and full of hate. Last night I didn’t even WANT to call him. 

I saw him out Saturday night he was his usual psycho self. One minute telling me how much he’s fucking missed me, needs me, would laugh with me and then the next screaming at me about things I can’t even remember. Strangers even spotted his volatile behaviour. I was worried for his safety, I know how bouncers and things can get but he certainly didn’t want my help so I walked home and buzzer went on private. It took a lot of strength to walk home and leave him, I can’t lie. 

Sunday came and I got my mate to text him for me. I felt angry. How dare he kick off for me talking to some guy yet was ok for him to chat up some fat blonde thing. He contacted me via Facebook he started by being rude, telling me it was me following him around , me not letting him enjoy his night and it was all my fault AGAIN! I implied that I had been with someone else, a stupid game I know but I wanted to get to him. I knew it would. We spoke on the phone and it was pity party him again. How I never loved him, how I killed him when he was in jail, how he had to read a conversation on my iPad between me and a man. Screaming how I should have left him, he fails to see that he had that choice too and equally he can’t love me either. I put a stop to the conversation, this is all so old ground and it won’t ever be resolved and it doesn’t need to be now. It’s over.

I agreed he could pop by and grab some clothes and see Ariana. He got mad about his arrest , called me wicked for stopping him from seeing his great grandma on her birthday. As I expected. I no longer care what he has to say, I need to remind myself it’s only words and all his actions does not put him in any position to kill me with words anymore. I also know he says these things because he’s hurting and he’s angry so that’s ok too. On his head. 

Then he softened, told me I was his. How when he thought I went with someone else he was fuming. I took my pyjama bottoms off ready for my shower and I knew that that would tease him. He tried and I did what I did last time stuck to my guns and did not have sex. I didn’t fancy him when I saw him out the night before, drunk and aggressive. I did today, that needs to go. That’s what’s annoying. I’m sure once I find a new man it will. 

I don’t want to be bitter with him, it eats people up. I want to be able to be his friend. I hope he can sort his life out, but having me allow him to just keep walking all over me will not do that. He needs his own place, he needs a job and he needs to leave the streets. Time will tell . 

Posted in alone, baby, cheat, Company, Diet, DomesticAbuse, Heart, Heartbreak, intimate, life, Lonely, love, Mistakes, mother, Parenting, pregnancy, pregnant, relationship, relationships, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum

A day without crying ? 

Posted on by KerryLouise

I woke up yesterday with a sickness bug. I hate being sick. I hate it even more when I have no one around me to take care of me. It made me feel emotional, I couldn’t believe it was now entering the fourth day without contact with the ex. How was he feeling?! Does he even care? I knew he was probably playing the victim, even in his own head, guaranteed he’s still got it inside him that it’s all my fault. ‘What kind of woman gets his man locked?’ He’ll be asking.  I cast my mind back to the number of times he would just attack me with words about how I bet I would do that too him. I’m that type of girl, I’m low like that. Back then I never would, he just went TOO far. 

I did call him today from my mums phone, I know how his mind works and he’ll just be building up more hate for me if I don’t attempt contact. If I call him and ask when he wants his clothes he can’t blame me for not having them can he? He admitted he had tried to call me, used someone else’s phone and had been to the flat, that made me feel better. I asked him if I should take his clothes to that girls work place, he snapped back ‘why should you?’ He said he wasn’t staying there, last time he admitted he was staying with his new girlfriend so I have no reason to doubt him. Or do I ?! To be honest it is unlikely, unless she really is a desperate needy slag. Alarm bells would certainly ring to me if he was suddenly needing to be there all the time, despite him telling her he lives at his grandmas oh and not to mention the lies he told her even about his name. Anyway who cares, even if she doesn’t know now she’ll work it out herself. 

I asked him if he was happy, he said ‘do I sound happy?!’ I asked him if he’s missed me and he said ‘yeh I have.’ I didn’t tell him I missed him, I wasn’t going to give him that satisfaction. I felt better after the call, and I feel good this morning. 

I felt a bit low when I got in from my dads last night. I told them how I got myself in a cycle where he was the one to make me feel so low and drill me into the ground but I relied on him to bring me back up again. I hate it when I miss him, because I only miss the small amounts of time it was good. I need to remember the times I felt sick when I didn’t know where he was, the anxiousness I would feel when I worry whether he’s going to show up or not. The anger I would get when his phone was off or he wouldn’t answer the calls. The disrespectfulness when he would tell me to get off his line, tell me I was a fucking dickhead, a fucking prick, a slag. He would scream at me how I wasn’t a real woman, how I made him sick to his bones, more recently how I was dead to him and how he could get any girl he wanted, where as I was old with two kids. When I was pregnant he would tell me he feels sorry for his daughter having a mother like me, how I’m constantly stressing out his daughter and I’m a mess. I could go on but it’s not necessary, this stuff is enough. 

He always manipulated everything so it was always some how my fault. We would plan a night out, a meal and some time together. He would cause an argument and tell me this was the reason he never wanted to be around me, how I was boring and I bring it all on my self. I feel sick when I look back at times when he clearly went off with that other girl and realistically god knows how many girls there has been. He’s an animal and he’s vile and I am proud in myself that I can finally see everything he has done to me was never my fault. I justified his actions so many times and I can honestly say even if he shows me change I will never ever get over what he’s done to me. Destroyed me, abused me and trampled all over me during a time when I needed a man. A real man. 

I am out tonight, he said he would show up today to get some clothes. I hope he doesn’t, the buzzer is still on private and I’ll try go out this afternoon. My gorgeous princess slept from 9:30pm – 6am and right now she’s happily sat in her chair talking to herself. I’m the real winner, I have so much love in my daughters and my whole life ahead of me. What the hell does he have?! 

I reckon I can go the whole of today with no tears and I really cannot wait to go out tonight.