Tag: life

Posted in Abuse, relationships, alone, cheat, court, Deceit, DomesticAbuse, Girltalk, Heartbreak, Women

Escaping from Pathological Liars…

Posted on by KerryLouise

Join my group I mean it this time!

The most damaging of all the abuse is the lies. Every one tells small white lies but a pathological liar will tell a lie even when the truth isn’t something that would get him into trouble.

A pathological liar would say they had been to Costa for a coffee but in fact had a milkshake from McDonald’s. They will lie about anything they can get away with. I still remember my mind early on thinking ‘that doesn’t add up’ and ‘that doesn’t make sense’ but the lie was so small it didn’t seem to matter. Now I know this is a major red flag!

Last month on his birthday for instance he had our daughter and he said he was on the way to me and I should wait for him at home. 10 minutes he would be , 30 minutes went by and he said he was in the car. ‘You don’t sound like you’re in a car’ I say, a pathological liar will then react in an abusive way once he has been found out. The conversation gets heated, where he’s protecting his lie and finally he says ‘no you’re right I had to pull over because she had an explosion in her nappy.’ I ended up going to him and picking up my daughter to realise later there is no way her nappy had just been changed. A bizarre lie, unnecessary, he was where he said he was, just not in a car. It made no odds to me as I wanted to go to the supermarket anyway just unnecessary arguments because of the lies. Just why lie??? The truth was ok!

He lies to everyone, I see it constantly. Usually about where he is at any given time when he’s meant to be somewhere else. August for his sisters birthday was a particularly bad weekend. The best lie to his own mother ‘yes mum I’m just at MK station.’ The boy wasn’t even dressed! He was so set on trying to convince me that ‘he loved me’ and ‘he was going to put everything right’ he was in absolutely no rush at all to go see his family. Not caring about the fact he was already almost 24 hours late.

I can honestly say I have found the lying the most damaging. The bruises heal, the names he calls me are wiped away when he’s on his ‘nice’ side and I actually think how laughable some of it is. But the lies are damaging, destructive, evil and hard to explain. They make you feel like you are going mad! MAD! They believe their own lies they just must do. They will grab you and look deep into your soul, enough so you question everything you know. You question your own integrity, even question your own sanity. It’s so fucking powerful you have no choice.

Mainly the most destructive lies are that around his infidelity. Narcissists have a habit of promising you the world, they live in their own fantasy and often may well believe what they are saying. Even after you discover the truth they lie some more going between each woman manipulating both, making them believe they are the ‘chosen one.’ Like some sick love triangle that feeds into his ego and hurts and destroys in the process.

Since June of this year (just 6 weeks after we got back together) I have been telling him I do not want to be with him. The abusive behaviour was returning, he was drug dealing constantly, no plans to get a job (no real ones just lies) and his behaviours were reminding me of all the deceit I endured previously! I deserved better and I know longer was desperate for our family.

I needed out.

An abuser can’t bear that fact and begins his lies ‘all this is for you’, ‘I went to the job centre this week’, ‘it’s going to end next week when I have someone to cover me’, ‘I’m making enough money to set us up’, and ‘I can treat you like the Queen you deserve.’ They live in a fantasy world!! I do not KNOW the amount of times he’s had his car theory test booked, or how many times he’s seen probation and they have Work lined up. His favourite is ‘I’ll have some money for you next week.’ He hasn’t of course, they are all lies! All a control tactic so you will keep the communication up, knowing I would ring him asking for that money he promised.

Rather than just accepting I wanted to be on my own and not be with him he explains he will give me space. He carries on asking ‘how’s my beautiful wife’ , ‘I can’t lose you’ and ‘I’m going to prove it to you.’ ‘No way is this it’ he screams. I feel trapped, I still have someone who I am in love with (addicted to) promising me all this and it’s all part of his abusive cycle. Like a vodka bottle screaming drink me and it’s impossible to get out of.

“I know I don’t have a future with him, I don’t know how to get out of it and at that point all I know is I WILL.”

He rarely came by to see baby and it’s all about me, and that is where I am weak. There shouldn’t be no half way relationship (this is how it came to blows before) I made my decision and I should have stuck with it. Going along with it just seemed the easier option. Screams of ‘You are my woman’ or ‘you can meet someone else now you slag’, the first was less tiring. It was easier to just accept it, not make any issues. If I acted cold or said ‘we are not together’, he would get angry, violent, nasty and actually quite scary.

Cutting contact completely seemed too extreme and his manipulation made me fear the repercussions of that. He’s clever really. Not now though he really has pushed me too far. My daughter is NOT being exposed to his lies.

Hearing how he was going to show me what I mean to him repeatedly caused more pain when he just didn’t. Broken promises hurt. Everyone wants to hear the things he was saying and to then just deceive me is so painful. One particular evening when he was telling me all day he was coming to see me and how he he couldn’t wait. He was so excited apparently and I was not given a choice but to allow him this time. I ended up packing up all his stuff and it was in the bathroom for weeks. Middle of August it was, we had standard conversations throughout the day where he would keep saying ‘I’m going to be an hour’ .. 11am eventually turned into ‘I will be 20 minutes baby’ at 6pm and he just never showed. What kind of vile psychotic animal does that? All night I was ringing his phone and the reminders of HOW many times he put me through this previously. It’s sick, twisted, disrespectful, damaging and totally unforgivable.

He was with someone else. It was obvious and I am not stupid!! Of course he denied it and even though now I 100% know different he still will never admit! We’ve been here before! I was abused for ever suggesting it. I was the one saying sorry. After this occasion he even got our social worker in on his lies, she past on his messages ‘he will do what it takes to be a family.’ Always making promises he had no intention to keep.

He had his chance to leave me alone. He had his chances to just be a father without coming by feeling entitled to my body. Now he has ruined that.

How does someone get over all the lying? It is scary how well he lies. For weeks I’ve been saying how fucking obvious it has been, it’s him all over, he doesn’t have a home, when I’m pushing him away he needs another supply. He managed to get away with it for so long because I barely ring him. He’s come by stinking when he needs a shower. Like honestly. He’s not showering 4-5 days and shows up absolutely stinking. The empath in me lets him in ‘ I need you’, ‘I’ve been hurt’ alongside some fabricated story about a fight he’s had, ‘all I’ve been thinking about is you.’ Of course at 1 o’clock in the morning I can hardly say no, this particular time was early September, the next morning I got a punch in my leg for not ‘caring enough’. See how quick these cycles were. Crazy!

More recently I’ve got more angry with him, when he wasn’t around my mind would be going over and over. Second guessing EVERYTHING he’s ever said, remembering the times he lied before and when the truth was revealed he didn’t even seem bothered. A normal person feels embarrassed when lies are revealed, not a person like him. He believes it his right to lie, there’s a reason and it isn’t that bad anyway. He then expects trust like it’s a given right!

At these times he tells me I’m abusive to him. I probably am. Telling him I hate him daily, how disgusting he is, cheating and lying constantly. He would flip back and say worse but then quickly be so desperate for us to not argue. He definitely could realise he was losing control, so would switch on the charm (lovebombing.)

“Baby I’ve treated you so bad, I understand why you feel like this” and “I’m going to help you” and “you are my fucking world. I can’t even look at another woman.” He was so set on making out that it’s just my insecurities this time because of his previous track record I actually believe him. I believe that ‘he didn’t know what he had to lose last time.’ I believe when he’s around because he’s a a clever good liar. When I’m not wrapped up with his lies and charms my gut knows.. underneath I’m not as stupid as I’ve appeared to be for nearly 2 years. I’m not!

A pathological liar will not change, they only get found out by someone close to them. Psychologists have often said that it is in fact a mental disorder which begins from someone with such low self esteem they are hell bent on bringing others down and making themselves seem more attractive to everyone around them. When he can talk about a job lined up or his driving test booked or another favourite of his ‘I’ve bought you (or baby) something.’ Interesting when said thing never showed, it is then another lie as to why. It’s a complicated spiral web of manipulation and it’s fucking difficult to escape.

To everyone and anyone who will listen I am the liar, and oh they will believe him. They have no reason to not when he’s this much of a liar, it’s the way he gets through life.

He may be a good liar …. but he will be found out!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

I have a great life ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

When I erase him out of the equation my life is truly great. I have an amazing job which I absolutely love, and I have 2 beautiful children who are my motivation for everything.

I do feel ashamed. Ashamed I’ve let him take over, he’s got me so under a spell I potentially haven’t been the best mum I could have. They have seen and heard too much and I honestly feel like the last year has been a blur. I’ve loved being a mum again but I do feel some of the enjoyment has been over shadowed by this black cloud.

Tonight I’m at the hospital with my youngest baby, she’s not been very well and has had bleeding from her ear. My sister is with me and it’s got me thinking.

When baby was just 6 weeks old I ended up here with her. I had to wake him up from his ‘girlfriends’ bed by calling her phone.. after spending the previous day with me and filling my head full of lies. He didn’t even have parental responsibility at this point as I had already registered her birth without him, I wish I had the strength back then to not allow him near us. The day was spent with more mind games, verbal abuse then love , verbal abuse and love again! Promising that his ‘fling’ was going to end soon, he was confused, I had hurt him and it was his ‘revenge.’ He left the hospital and went to hers, he was chilling watching TV with her whilst I was sat in the hospital!

Whilst in rage I rang his cousin… ‘he should fucking be here.’ He needed another man to explain this to him!! When he finally came I thanked him, I THANKED him! Who should thank the father of their child for just ‘being a dad.’ All evening I was just talking to him about ‘being a family’ and I begged him to stay the night. He did spend the night with us, lied to his girlfriend saying baby had to stay in hospital. What the fuck was I doing?! Now it is clear, such a manipulator!

I will also never forget the day I was admitted into hospital before giving birth to my baby girl. He was so nasty. SO SO nasty! He was disinterested , moaning he was hot and I was the only woman without a partner by her bed for the majority of the day. When he finally got there he was angry my friend was there. Told me he didn’t need to have bothered. I remember sitting outside and he was firing words at me, with a look of hatred in his eyes. I did nothing but sob, sob and sob some more whilst I listened to everything he disliked about me. Pregnant and overdue yet he still managed to make it all about him! Why have I continued allowing him in my life ?

Unfortunately I had another weak moment today and called him. There is NEVER a positive from these phone calls. I will learn this eventually. He tells me he’s gonna come see me I tell him no f’ing way and it gets nasty ! ‘What did you expect Kerry?’ He screams ‘Every day you tell me you hate me so what did you expect!’

Oh yes I forgot it is my fault you continued to lie and sleep around, it’s my fault!

Posted in DomesticAbuse, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum

Day 1

Posted on by KerryLouise

So I’m back at Day 1 on that rollercoaster that is dieting ! I’ve gained 7lb since May and it’s purely down to the fact I can’t just eat in moderation. If I have 1 cookie I see it as a failure so eat 6. It’s a mad mentality. It needs to come back down, I need that confidence back.

Went and let idiot into my life again this weekend, I wanted a night out and out of babysitting options I called on him. Something has got to give … 2 hours late on Saturday for his daddy duties and then Sunday morning picked a fight for no reason. I don’t want bitterness, I don’t want the bad feeling but I really don’t want to be with him either!

Sunday morning he sat and went through my phone told me ‘men can do certain things women can’t.’ I feel like I go blank when he starts now , I got upset. His passive aggressiveness is too much , then made the mistake of having him come back Sunday night too. This morning was even worse, got the bruised gripped hand marks on my top left arm to prove that. Then he goes on like it’s completely normal and carries on with his ‘I love you’ bullshit!!

He honestly is the only person I know who could have a row with himself in an empty room. Any chance he gets! On Saturday he even showed me some dirt on his jumper and asked me like I am a child ‘what the fuck is that?’ I don’t know where he learnt how to talk to people but it certainly wasn’t in a good place. Equally how am I meant to know why his jumper has a stain.. oh sorry I forgot it was because I had packed all his stuff up and he’s living out of the suitcases and bags! My fault .. of course it’s my fault.

This morning was one of those times I longed for a button. A button I could press to just get him out ! Get him to disappear. It started because baby picked something up and put it to her mouth. It then becomes this massive deal where he blames everyone else for this happening and how she could have died. Funny thing is .. he’s barely around and I’ve kept her alive so I’m pretty sure he didn’t save her life today. Then when he’d stopped having his hissy fit over that it was then over something else. He makes me sit on the bed to ‘talk’ yet all he does is shout bullshit at me , doesn’t let me say a word and then complains how ‘he can’t even talk to me.’ He holds me on the bed I try push him off , kick him off too but I get a back hand to the top of my bare leg. God he’s evil, like a bad bad parent from the days when violence was ok on your own children. I much rather be on my own I rather loneliness than this. Unfortunately it isn’t rare, his stroppy moods, his sulking and his just bad bad negative vibe is constant.

I used to long for him to come places with me, wished he’d spend more time with us … now I want him to go. I would love him back in prison. A place where he has little control and I can feel at peace. We can watch a film together, chill but that’s about it anything else is World War 3. Oh and let’s not forget how slow he is at getting ready.. and I’m meant to just wait around for him. There was no reason today he had to leave with us but instead stressed us all out , took my car key and took baby off me after grabbing my arm. I was left with no choice but to wait.

He left me being the sweet side of him (which I believe is why he wanted me to wait) , stayed with us in town for a bit and went on his way.

I need a distraction, someone I can call when I feel to call him. I had 2 texts today the 2nd saying ‘I love you so much.’ Then just now he was rude, obnoxious, arrogant and uninterested with me on the phone. Hung up on me without saying goodbye, standard procedure for him with then a message saying ‘sorry beautiful mad busy tonight.’

God sake police … just catch him. Get him locked up!

Posted in alone, baby, Beauty, book, Company, Deceit, DomesticAbuse, Heartbreak, single mum, Singlemum, Strength

4 months on!

Posted on by KerryLouise

So it has been 4 months since my last post. I had almost forgot about my blog, maybe I tried to forget everything that was in it. In denial… telling myself ‘that didn’t happen’ kind of situation.

But I am now truly in a place where I want to reach out to other women who may have battled with domestic abuse like me or maybe others who are currently going through it. I know I still am.

My last post wasn’t a lie, it was great. We got on so well and everything finally felt like it was all ‘worth it’… but it didn’t last long. We went away on holiday in May and if I am really honest with myself I noticed that devil in him a few times whilst we were away.

My baby girl is nearly 1 and she truly is amazing. She does have a really good bond with her dad but that is slowly diminishing since she is in nursery full time now and I know longer rely on him for childcare whilst I am at work. Well I couldn’t rely on him.

I started my new job in June and he was adamant he wanted to have her whilst I worked. It caused far more stress than it was worth and now she is in nursery full time.

Let’s get this straight I do not love him, he no longer makes me feel special, I spend most of my time despising him yet I just cannot seem to shake off the fact he still gets under my skin so much.

Take the past 12 hours for example, promised he would come by and ‘spend some time with us’… this is all his doing since I tell him countless times I do not want a relationship like this. I live life as a single mum yet have the stresses of a unsupportive man in a nasty relationship. I had a hint of hope of being able to go to boot camp, and then spin this morning plus who turns down company right? It got to 6pm and I started convincing myself I didn’t want to go to boot camp, much to his happiness. He was all ‘oh thank god baby. I didn’t want to let you down but I’ve got to stay in the spot as my mate has gone to London, but I will come by straight after.’ 10pm came… what a surprise… no where to be seen, he then does this thing where we be on the phone he’ll say ring me back in 5 minutes and doesn’t answer until 40 minutes later. Those 35 minutes I am a woman possessed with constant ringing and abusive text messages. It’s torture and exhausting. We spoke again at 00:45am where he 100% promised to be at mine at 6am to watch my girls whilst I went to a spin class. ‘100%, I got you, I adore you, this is all for our family’ … he needs some new lines he really does.

Did he show?? Did he fuck!!

He’s completely incapable of accepting his faults. ‘I didn’t do it on purpose’… ‘my line of work means I go days without sleep and if my body decides to shut down I can’t help it’… Like I have never heard such a crock of shit in my life… well I have but only ever from him. He then has a habit of turning it all back round on me. Projection!! Accuses me of everything he is fucking guilty of….

I will talk of Projection in my next blog. Right now I am at work and must get on 🙂

Posted in alone, baby, cheat, Company, Diet, DomesticAbuse, Heart, Heartbreak, intimate, life, Lonely, love, Mistakes, mother, Parenting, pregnancy, pregnant, relationship, relationships, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum

A day without crying ? 

Posted on by KerryLouise

I woke up yesterday with a sickness bug. I hate being sick. I hate it even more when I have no one around me to take care of me. It made me feel emotional, I couldn’t believe it was now entering the fourth day without contact with the ex. How was he feeling?! Does he even care? I knew he was probably playing the victim, even in his own head, guaranteed he’s still got it inside him that it’s all my fault. ‘What kind of woman gets his man locked?’ He’ll be asking.  I cast my mind back to the number of times he would just attack me with words about how I bet I would do that too him. I’m that type of girl, I’m low like that. Back then I never would, he just went TOO far. 

I did call him today from my mums phone, I know how his mind works and he’ll just be building up more hate for me if I don’t attempt contact. If I call him and ask when he wants his clothes he can’t blame me for not having them can he? He admitted he had tried to call me, used someone else’s phone and had been to the flat, that made me feel better. I asked him if I should take his clothes to that girls work place, he snapped back ‘why should you?’ He said he wasn’t staying there, last time he admitted he was staying with his new girlfriend so I have no reason to doubt him. Or do I ?! To be honest it is unlikely, unless she really is a desperate needy slag. Alarm bells would certainly ring to me if he was suddenly needing to be there all the time, despite him telling her he lives at his grandmas oh and not to mention the lies he told her even about his name. Anyway who cares, even if she doesn’t know now she’ll work it out herself. 

I asked him if he was happy, he said ‘do I sound happy?!’ I asked him if he’s missed me and he said ‘yeh I have.’ I didn’t tell him I missed him, I wasn’t going to give him that satisfaction. I felt better after the call, and I feel good this morning. 

I felt a bit low when I got in from my dads last night. I told them how I got myself in a cycle where he was the one to make me feel so low and drill me into the ground but I relied on him to bring me back up again. I hate it when I miss him, because I only miss the small amounts of time it was good. I need to remember the times I felt sick when I didn’t know where he was, the anxiousness I would feel when I worry whether he’s going to show up or not. The anger I would get when his phone was off or he wouldn’t answer the calls. The disrespectfulness when he would tell me to get off his line, tell me I was a fucking dickhead, a fucking prick, a slag. He would scream at me how I wasn’t a real woman, how I made him sick to his bones, more recently how I was dead to him and how he could get any girl he wanted, where as I was old with two kids. When I was pregnant he would tell me he feels sorry for his daughter having a mother like me, how I’m constantly stressing out his daughter and I’m a mess. I could go on but it’s not necessary, this stuff is enough. 

He always manipulated everything so it was always some how my fault. We would plan a night out, a meal and some time together. He would cause an argument and tell me this was the reason he never wanted to be around me, how I was boring and I bring it all on my self. I feel sick when I look back at times when he clearly went off with that other girl and realistically god knows how many girls there has been. He’s an animal and he’s vile and I am proud in myself that I can finally see everything he has done to me was never my fault. I justified his actions so many times and I can honestly say even if he shows me change I will never ever get over what he’s done to me. Destroyed me, abused me and trampled all over me during a time when I needed a man. A real man. 

I am out tonight, he said he would show up today to get some clothes. I hope he doesn’t, the buzzer is still on private and I’ll try go out this afternoon. My gorgeous princess slept from 9:30pm – 6am and right now she’s happily sat in her chair talking to herself. I’m the real winner, I have so much love in my daughters and my whole life ahead of me. What the hell does he have?! 

I reckon I can go the whole of today with no tears and I really cannot wait to go out tonight. 

Posted in baby, cheat, Deceit, Diet, Heart, Heartbreak, Uncategorized

Man up!!

Posted on by KerryLouise

Baby woke me up as she needed feeding. Last night she woke every 2 hours but we both went back off straight away. It’s 2:30am and I’m now wide awake. I’m starving! A banana will have to do.

I’ve worked out that it’s now been 4 weeks. 4 weeks on Friday of Dom telling me how he doesn’t want her, and how he needs to get rid of her. I read back to the first post when I wrote how I knew he wouldn’t do it straight away but 4 weeks is taking the piss! I know a good chunk of that time he was saying he didn’t want me either but still! 

He come in tonight and again kissing me, telling me it’s me he wants. (He was bloody early too.) How it was just a situation where he was getting back at me but he’s not doing that anymore. I believe him at the time but when he’s not around I don’t. I really don’t. Then I try and think logical here, why put up with the stress from both of us? Surely he’s fucking tired of it too. Having her moan about being with me (well sorry love but you should have seen that coming) constantly whining about comments he makes like how he’s buying me a birthday present and me telling him I AM NOT WAITING around forever. Tonight I said how I will go with someone else if I find out he’s still sleeping with her, he held me and said to please not do that to him. As he left after our playfulness and love he promises he’s going to stay over tomorrow night to which I said he has a week to get his shit out of hers and get rid of her properly or I’m gone. He once again said ok.

Now at silly o’clock in the morning I’m thinking no! Not a week! Why should I give him a week?! He’s had long enough. She may not have respect for herself but allowing this man to walk all over her, and I certainly too haven’t shown that respect for myself but I will. To be honest this is the first time since Friday I’ve questioned his commitment to us again, obviously I’ve been waiting for it to happen. I can imagine what he’s said to her since he didn’t answer my phone call or text tonight after he left. ‘Ahh I’m so sorry babe for the pictures of me playing happy families with my baby mum I’ll stay with you tonight’ 🙄 roll eyes. 

Even if he’s not with her I’m going to continue having this feeling until he finally moves home. It’s not healthy. She did share some new bullshit quote tonight about ‘never finding another her’ so have to try and take that as comfort that he’s not acting all lovey Dovey with her still. 

This is ridiculous!! 

Posted in alone, baby, breastfeeding, cheat, Deceit, Diet, Heart, Heartbreak, Lonely, love, Mistakes, relationship, relationships, Singlemum, Strength, Uncategorized

Baby’s first cinema trip 

Posted on by KerryLouise

My little cutie went to the cinema for the first time today. Good as gold as per usual. My sister had to change a very explosive nappy though and she did feed on both boobs. She’s still a little angel. 

Her daddy text in the afternoon asking how we both were. He said he wasn’t coming straight from work, that’s fine I replied and when he called you could tell he didn’t understand my relaxed attitude when I said I had made new plans too. I don’t want to stop him from seeing us but if he can’t stick to a time then that gives me the option to be unavailable and can keep him at a distance. He needs to miss us. 

We spoke later on and he mentioned how he had been talking with someone from work who said how I must be lonely. He never wanted me to feel lonely or unloved apparently. It’s inevitable though and I just commented that I’m used to being alone, I just miss him. It was a pleasant phone call and I feel ok. Sometimes my mind wanders and I think about him with her and all the lies and deceit but that does me no favours and I’m only punishing myself. 

 I sent him some words to think about … 


Tomorrow I weigh myself. Last Wednesday I began a no gluten or sugar diet and I’ve found it pretty easy. Today I had sugar though at the cinema but hey ho. Can’t be perfect. I’ve had two comments today about weight loss and I am definitely feeling more confident in myself. 

Literally buzzing for a night out with my friends on my birthday. Ordered a dress last night and I cannot wait to get fully dressed up again. Fingers crossed I just feel super fabulous by then ❤️

Posted in baby, Birth story, breastfeeding, life, love, Newborn, Parenting, pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, sex, singlemum, Strength, Uncategorized, Women

Baby had her first bottle 🍼

Posted on by KerryLouise

It hasn’t been an easy decision and I did ignore the health visitors advice for a week. The breastfeeding gurus on Monday told me to just feed more but realistically with this current set up it’s pretty impossible. I don’t have the support a woman needs who wants to exclusively breastfeed, I still get pain and I need to start trying to sort a routine. 

So today she had her first bottle with formula. I’ve also given her expressed in a bottle and she has fed on me since too so it hasn’t gone too bad. Hopefully she now gains some weight. It also gave me a sense of freedom already. 

She’s such a good baby , she’s literally amazing 😍

Yesterday afternoon I struggled. I hit a low again , sobbing out loud with that heart wrenching pain. He went to hers after work at 6am and although I thought I’d be ok with it I really wasn’t!! All his betrayal makes me sick and the fact he’s still going there makes me so angry and hurt! Wednesday afternoon his texts were pleasant and he even felt the need to text ‘xx’ . We spoke in the morning and I still felt positive like we could sort it out eventually. He ended the call saying ‘love you too.’ 

Evening came and he text saying ‘can I make it up to you I feel ill’ if it was his first excuse and he’d been brilliant for past 4 weeks I would have accepted it. But no … it’s not on. I made a comment about how he’s making excuses just to be with her … THEN he said ‘listen stop bringing my girl into our arguments.’ Is he fucking serious ??? His girl ?? Yet he has been with me for 3 days , stroking my face, kissing me, holding our baby talking about how he’s going to win me back. All done in front of his brother at times! Then he has the cheek to disrespect me like that! Mugging me off in front of a 20 year old girl. NO! This is where this stops!! What was I thinking anyway allowing him to continue with two lives. Even before this I had made the decision it had to stop. I had to be stronger … he needs to miss us now and lose us for even a chance of him fixing up and stop being such a selfish prick! 

A phone call to his bro and a suitcase and 5 bin bags later I took all his stuff to his dad’s house. I sent messages with abuse and he still text saying ‘I will always love you.’ No matey you fucked up. Showing off in front of someone who is half the person I am! He also text saying he was going to come straight from work. Again I told him no! He can’t just pop by whenever he pleases anymore! That girl child is welcome to him. He won’t change for anyone and I felt good for the first time in a long time!! I know he’ll regret this. I know he’ll be back. I know this little set up he has with blondie won’t last and he’s only enjoying the fact she’ll take his shit! 

He had gone to work and at 3am I woke to messages saying ring me and also saying ‘I know you’re awake!’ I did what I said I wouldn’t do but called him, same old SHIT! About how I hurt him, how he wants a woman he can trust. Who will support him no matter what. The boy is deluded. I’ve given him the chance of a proper life and he throws it back in my face. I’ll give it to him he does manipulate the situation so I’m apologising , I’m still saying after everything I’d still be willing to give us a chance. To that he just says how he doesn’t think I’ll mean it and as soon as I’m myself again I’ll just leave. He continues to go on about how well I was looking when he was in jail and how it hurts so bad that someone else had me. It’s all very childish and it’s all the same stuff we talk of. I need to leave him to it now. No amount of talking will make him see sense, he needs to realise for himself and it’s very likely I won’t still be around when he does realise. End of the day … if he REALLY didn’t care, didn’t want me and had ‘moved on.’ He wouldn’t spend hours talking to me about this stuff. He wouldn’t want to confuse situations by having sex with me. He would just say ‘I’ve left, I love Ariana and can we not make it about us anymore but only her’ .. the talking is frustrating ! Why bother if he knew 100% we were never going to work. 

Today I woke up feeling sad. Thinking maybe it is all my fault , how maybe I shouldn’t have told him my mistakes (as he suggested) and how gutted I was. That was until I read a few entries of an older blog of when he was in prison. It was hard reading the posts about how in love we were, and how strong it was making us and how he was my soul mate. Then I read a post where I was questioning my loyalty to him anyway. It was deep it was raw .. pretty much summed up how much of a prick he was before he  went too. 

Reality is … he’s never treated me right. Only time he did was when he was behind bars, and of course he would then. I’ve given nearly 3 years of my life to him, had his baby and he still questions my commitment!? What a messed up boy! 

By this afternoon I again was thinking how maybe me keeping a distance would make him come good. I have to have a little hope, even if it’s not for a relationship but for our daughter! She doesn’t deserve a pop by dad who only wants her when it suits him. 

He wasn’t interested in organising seeing her through a mutual person so I suggested he has her on his own at mine. Suggesting this Saturday night only put me under the spotlight with questions! Where am I going? Who with? What am I doing? He was clucking all ready! 

This afternoon he text asking how we both were, then said how he missed Ariana, asked where I was then finally said ‘please don’t ignore me’. I replied with ‘yeh we’re cool thanks’ nearly 2 hours later and nothing more! His reply 

See!! He’s not well! He’s a very confused boy and if he doesn’t sort himself out he will lose far too much and then regret this for the rest of his life ! 

I didn’t reply. He’ll be at work now, and I can’t lie I rather think about him being at work during the night than being with her. I know I cross his mind, we both will. He admits how it’s bloody constant, I literally think of nothing else at the moment either and even the most selfish person in the world wouldn’t be able to block all this out. 

I need to stay this strong. This time it can’t just be days .. it needs to be weeks. Months even! When he wants to see Ariana I need to leave him to it with her, I can’t be around him as he just makes me weak. It won’t be a daily thing either and I won’t be the one asking when he wants to see her. He knows what he needs to do. 

I’m just taking each day at a time xxx 

Posted in baby, breastfeeding, life, Newborn, Parenting, pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, singlemum, Uncategorized, Women

My baby is 3 weeks old ! 

Posted on by KerryLouise

Today my baby is 3 weeks old , she is so alert and everyone who sees her can’t get over how beautiful she is. This makes me sad that her own father is missing out on this joy. 

I woke up feeling low again. More disappointed that he hasn’t attempted to find out how she is. Be how you like to me but your innocent baby doesn’t deserve this. I made a decision this morning to go and see his probation type officer person. She’s there to try get ex-offenders back in to work and keep them out of jail. I’ve always thought in the past she may be worth a visit but in fear of trying to protect him I decided against it. Now I’m not about to protect anyone but my children. He needs help, and I still care enough to try and get it for him. 

She was shocked, she got teary with me (as any mother /woman would) and told me she was going to have a very stern chat with him. She had obviously never seen this side to him and believes as I do that deep down the family we have is what he wants. He always made out to her that he was so happy with me and she believes that the cannabis and company he keeps is just ruining his life.

As the day went on and no phone call I continued to just feel lower. I had a couple of hours on my own in the evening and I couldn’t help it I had to call him. Not going to lie I was shocked when he admitted he was at her house but I remained calm and it didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would. After all I knew it anyway. He told me he was coming to see me, I told him that we should meet in a public place . Which is what we did. (If McDonalds car park in my car counts) 

I got a pep talk before I saw him from my sister and knew I had to remain calm. No tears, no anger and certainly no begging… just calm. 

I started by thanking him for finally being honest. I asked him if he loved her, he doesn’t (which I also know.) I asked him why on Wednesday was he still telling me we wasn’t over and why did he not show up after work?! His only response was how his head is fucked and realistically he needs to just be single for a while and sort himself out. When he finally looked me in my eyes he said ‘what the fuck am I doing man?!’ Anyone from the outside will think it’s all just a show but I know this is sincere. I know what our love is , I also know we have both hurt each other a lot and he even questioned whether just too much has happened that it will never be the same again. Maybe he’s right! 

My mistakes were bought up again and even things that I had done this week he blamed for his reasons for just ending up back there. He is INCAPABLE of accepting full responsibility for anything it’s crazy! 

Like I admitted yesterday , yes I hurt him bad but when I fell pregnant and even after that first scan where I admitted he may not be the father we BOTH made the decision to continue with the pregnancy. I reminded him of that this evening. It was my sorry to him, I went with what HE wanted to do and he’s just shit all over me. 

Yes talk is cheap and easy to say but I believe it when he says that he’s so ashamed for doing it when I was pregnant. He was all over the baby again and said how much he missed her. He was very pissed off with himself when he knew about her not gaining weight and promised he was going to be there for her and me more. We should be meeting at midday tomorrow, I need to make sure I don’t constantly ring him when he doesn’t show. If he fails to meet us that’s his fault. I’m STILL giving him the opportunity to be a dad to our baby and I shouldn’t need to mother him. 

He’s already cheated on his new ‘girlfriend’, since we kissed and he said how he needs to fuck her off. Fuck her off for us. He pleaded with me to help him get help and that he can’t do it on his own. I doubt he will tell her where to go, certainly not yet anyway. He isn’t strong enough for that but I know as each day goes on he will realise more and more what he wants. Yes I hate the thought of him with her but he had to think of me with someone else and he had to do that whilst stuck in a prison cell! So I need to just deal with it, accept we are separated for now and get the old me back. No stressing about what time he’s coming in, what he’s up to, whether he’s going to get arrested just concentrate on me and my girls. I am confident that he’ll be back, not so confident I will want him but I do like to think that some proper time apart could start that friendship back again. We had lost that, we have been so unkind to each other and we couldn’t go on this way. 

He blew kisses at me when he left the car and I do feel better. Even if he doesn’t do what he says at least I am in a better place. That is the main thing! I do hope that one day we can put all this behind us and do things properly but if we don’t then hey that’s ok too. Everything happens for a reason and realistically we should have separated months again (too hard being pregnant tho) and yes him seeing me as that confident happy fun Kerry he fell in love with will certainly mess with his emotions. In the meantime that dumb blonde can have him, I won’t feel any sympathy when he shits all over her .. cos he will! He most certainly will!! 

Posted in baby, breastfeeding, life, Newborn, Parenting, pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, singlemum, Uncategorized, Women

Acceptance … 

Posted on by KerryLouise

I don’t even know where to start .. but I need to get this down in my blog. Admitting what has gone on to the world is my next step in acceptance. Accepting he is never going to change, accepting he just isn’t the man I thought he was and accepting I am not getting that perfect family. I’ve wrote posts previously but kept it on a separate blog .. a blog that isn’t associated with me but now it is time.

Me and my new babies father met in December 2013, seems so long ago now yet in such a short space of time SO much has happened!! In may 2014 he was arrested and charged with drug charges , he spent what felt like forever on bail where the courts really proved they couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery! In August 2014 he was finally sentenced, and that was it he went off to prison for 16 months. My world crashed, I missed him so much , me and his mother describe the pain like as if he died. We were grieving, it was ridiculously hard. Visits were the highlight of my life and looking back they were actually lovely. Just kissing, laughing, joking and talking. All we longed for was to be able to start our life properly ! Endless amounts of letters and phone calls and we were so in love . After about 9 months my own thoughts got over me and I did meet someone else. I was building a resentment for Dominic, I was crazy lonely and I felt so bitter that his crime had put a stop on my life too. I feared we wouldn’t work out anyway and remembered his behaviour before he went and worried that he just would never change. My fling went on a couple of months and yes I got feelings but always knew it was Dom I really wanted. Little did I know my honesty would be be used against me for the last 10 months.

So yes I did a bad thing and I even had a small amount of doubt on who the babies father was, which is awful I know but I was completely honest and gave him the choice. However the honesty and the talking and him saying he forgave me would never last long.

From around March time he began his drinking, him staying out till 4/5/6 in the morning, not answering his phone at times. Began doing things that were risking his freedom and just being an absolute selfish animal.

I fell pregnant literally the week he came out of jail. He regained his freedom and I lost mine. He loved that, he loved the control he had. He often made comments that I did enough going out when he was locked up. The conversations we would have were like a broken record. I can only describe the last 10 months as HELL. Regular occurrences of him calling me a prick and a dickhead. I’ve slapped him, he’s hit me. Disappearing. Popping to the shop yet ending up in town and coming in at 5am smashed out of his head. Not answering his phone , or having no battery on his phone. I’d feel stressed about him holding down a job, (he’s got through a few) turning up on time , calling in sick and arguing with team managers. All this time carrying his baby!

Early on I never did worry about him getting with another girl. Yes he’d disappear but he’d always end up with me at the end of a night out. It was the illegal activity, the disgusting mental abuse and just leaving me on my own all the time that I had to deal with. He told me I deserved all this for not standing by him properly. How I broke his heart , so he was breaking mine. I’m actually finding it a lot more difficult to sum up these months than I thought. After each outburst I would beg him to leave me alone, telling him to just admit he couldn’t get over what I did and just let me move on with my life. But no … with every episode of disgusting and vile anger from him it was then followed with how much he loves me and how much he’s going to make it better. How he wants a proper family , and that he was going to be the man I wanted ! Famous last words 🙄

I would say at LEAST once a week I would deal with some kind of heartache, heartbreak and stress from his words and actions. I was crumbling daily and began to just start listening to what he had to say rather than react. This stopped the fights but it was still chipping away at my self esteem. This is a man who can call me a cheap slag and walk out a room, then because of no reaction he would come back and say sorry less than 5 minutes later. I judged this behaviour from a far and then came to the conclusion that he needs mental help. The cannabis smoking was making him mentally insane. Again trying to make sense and justifying this disgustingness.

As my due date got closer he got worse. I accepted he didn’t really fancy me and I had got out of him that something had happened with someone a couple of times. I accepted this as karma and with his sorrys I was going to move on with it. We were still having sex though so I never imagined it was that bad. All I’ve been wanting is my baby here, so sure it would change his ways. Now she’s 3 weeks old tomorrow and he’s actually been worse than ever. I’ve also found out that the girl who was just a couple of times has been many more and not only was he with her when I was heavily pregnant but also since I brought his baby into the world. He makes me sick! A night I couldn’t get out of bed due to the c-section , yes in a hormonal outburst I said ‘don’t come back’ but after 49 missed calls he bloody should have. Again I said if you have someone else GO!! I’m not stupid I know how it looks. He got angry screaming how he don’t need no pussy he’s making money and just other vulgar justifications for why he wasn’t with me when we both needed him!

Now I found all this out by snooping and approaching the girl. Sunday through to Wednesday of this week he was so convincing that he was sorry. His head was fucked it’s me he wants and she’s lying about how he had told them they were together! I am amazed at how this human can lie so convincingly to me yet has also clearly gone back to her and told her I’m lying and that we’re not together. I had thought we were both wiser than him but realistically she’s a 20 year old child. Despite us both saying he needs to get in a room with all 3 of us she has accepted his lies and deceit. The cheek of her has even said to me that she feels like he had cheated on her with me!! Sorry what?!? 😳 oh and also called me a slag and that I’m using my baby as a weapon. I can’t fight with imbulsils especially childish ones. Go ahead believe him but she best know that he won’t ever stop trying to tell me he wants me, nor will he be any different to her and actually be a decent boyfriend. We’ve been together nearly 3 years and despite all our SHIT there has been ALOT of love there so I’m not threatened in the slightest in thinking she’ll get everything I ever wanted from him. He’s incapable of being that person!

Early on this week as I said I was accepting his sorry. I was hurting so bad but I felt like I just needed him around me, listening to him grovel and try and plead and beg!! Then yesterday I was having her call me stressing me out and confusing me even more. Dom and I spoke and agreed that we needed to separate for a while. He was still adamant it was me he wanted and not her, why not be honest?! It makes no sense to me. I had to accept that if he’s not with me he’ll be with her, his promises mean nothing.

At 8pm on Wednesday night he called, he was shocked at my positive attitude and he told me he loved me, how he was off to work (he works nights) and would be with me at 6:15am after work. I knew different,  he thinks I believe he has work stuff in his locker and so didn’t need to come home .. but I let him believe he had fooled me! I didn’t care anymore , lose your job and it will just sum up everything you’ve done this whole year. Go spend night with her cos you don’t want to lose your ‘side chick’ .. I don’t care. She can have my sloppy seconds since we had sex just yesterday morning .. I’m done now!

It’s now gone midnight on Thursday night and obviously he hasn’t gone to work again! He may have attempted to come to my flat but he hasn’t called. His phone is probably still dead (since his charger is here) but I’m not calling him. I want him to stay as far away from me as possible. He’s going to need a change of clothes soon though, a bag out the window will have to be it.

Today he has shown me even his daughter or more promises will not make him stop being so selfish. Today is the first day he hasn’t seen her since she was born and he hasn’t even had the decency to call!! It highlights exactly the type of behaviour I’ve put up with since he came out of jail and I know I deserve better. My children deserve better and it’s about time I make sure that happens.

Health visitor visited today , my baby isn’t gaining weight. My breast milk isn’t as rich as it should be .. due to stress and not eating well. This has made me even more determined to fuck him off! He’s effecting our baby by treating me this way and he deserves absolutely no happiness from her at all. She is literally perfect and amazing and he’s already let her down countless times. 

Him being around me will go 1 of 2 ways he’ll charm me and get in my head or he’ll attack me for anything he sees fit. Most probably how I’m a bad mum and using our baby against him. He will not be getting in my flat .. he can fight me to see his baby and I cannot wait for the day he is genuinely crying and regretting every last single lie he’s told me and every time he laid a hand on me and every single vile word he has said to me!! I know he will, I know he’ll hate to see me move on and like I said I also know he won’t treat her any better than he did me. I can feel free!

For now yes I’m broken, devastated, hurt and gutted but I know I’m stronger than this. Stronger than him. I can move on knowing that he’s gone to her for the simple reason she’s believed his bullshit and I haven’t!! He can live with himself for the rest of his life for treating the mother of his child and his new baby this way and when he’s back in jail and has ALL that time to think he will realise and he will be the devastated one!!

I am a strong woman and I have 2 beautiful girls and I will be damned if they see anymore of this vile man. They will both look at me and be proud.

Super strong power mum! 😘