Tag: love

Posted in Abuse, relationships, alone, cheat, court, Deceit, DomesticAbuse, Girltalk, Heartbreak, Women

Escaping from Pathological Liars…

Posted on by KerryLouise

Join my group I mean it this time!

The most damaging of all the abuse is the lies. Every one tells small white lies but a pathological liar will tell a lie even when the truth isn’t something that would get him into trouble.

A pathological liar would say they had been to Costa for a coffee but in fact had a milkshake from McDonald’s. They will lie about anything they can get away with. I still remember my mind early on thinking ‘that doesn’t add up’ and ‘that doesn’t make sense’ but the lie was so small it didn’t seem to matter. Now I know this is a major red flag!

Last month on his birthday for instance he had our daughter and he said he was on the way to me and I should wait for him at home. 10 minutes he would be , 30 minutes went by and he said he was in the car. ‘You don’t sound like you’re in a car’ I say, a pathological liar will then react in an abusive way once he has been found out. The conversation gets heated, where he’s protecting his lie and finally he says ‘no you’re right I had to pull over because she had an explosion in her nappy.’ I ended up going to him and picking up my daughter to realise later there is no way her nappy had just been changed. A bizarre lie, unnecessary, he was where he said he was, just not in a car. It made no odds to me as I wanted to go to the supermarket anyway just unnecessary arguments because of the lies. Just why lie??? The truth was ok!

He lies to everyone, I see it constantly. Usually about where he is at any given time when he’s meant to be somewhere else. August for his sisters birthday was a particularly bad weekend. The best lie to his own mother ‘yes mum I’m just at MK station.’ The boy wasn’t even dressed! He was so set on trying to convince me that ‘he loved me’ and ‘he was going to put everything right’ he was in absolutely no rush at all to go see his family. Not caring about the fact he was already almost 24 hours late.

I can honestly say I have found the lying the most damaging. The bruises heal, the names he calls me are wiped away when he’s on his ‘nice’ side and I actually think how laughable some of it is. But the lies are damaging, destructive, evil and hard to explain. They make you feel like you are going mad! MAD! They believe their own lies they just must do. They will grab you and look deep into your soul, enough so you question everything you know. You question your own integrity, even question your own sanity. It’s so fucking powerful you have no choice.

Mainly the most destructive lies are that around his infidelity. Narcissists have a habit of promising you the world, they live in their own fantasy and often may well believe what they are saying. Even after you discover the truth they lie some more going between each woman manipulating both, making them believe they are the ‘chosen one.’ Like some sick love triangle that feeds into his ego and hurts and destroys in the process.

Since June of this year (just 6 weeks after we got back together) I have been telling him I do not want to be with him. The abusive behaviour was returning, he was drug dealing constantly, no plans to get a job (no real ones just lies) and his behaviours were reminding me of all the deceit I endured previously! I deserved better and I know longer was desperate for our family.

I needed out.

An abuser can’t bear that fact and begins his lies ‘all this is for you’, ‘I went to the job centre this week’, ‘it’s going to end next week when I have someone to cover me’, ‘I’m making enough money to set us up’, and ‘I can treat you like the Queen you deserve.’ They live in a fantasy world!! I do not KNOW the amount of times he’s had his car theory test booked, or how many times he’s seen probation and they have Work lined up. His favourite is ‘I’ll have some money for you next week.’ He hasn’t of course, they are all lies! All a control tactic so you will keep the communication up, knowing I would ring him asking for that money he promised.

Rather than just accepting I wanted to be on my own and not be with him he explains he will give me space. He carries on asking ‘how’s my beautiful wife’ , ‘I can’t lose you’ and ‘I’m going to prove it to you.’ ‘No way is this it’ he screams. I feel trapped, I still have someone who I am in love with (addicted to) promising me all this and it’s all part of his abusive cycle. Like a vodka bottle screaming drink me and it’s impossible to get out of.

“I know I don’t have a future with him, I don’t know how to get out of it and at that point all I know is I WILL.”

He rarely came by to see baby and it’s all about me, and that is where I am weak. There shouldn’t be no half way relationship (this is how it came to blows before) I made my decision and I should have stuck with it. Going along with it just seemed the easier option. Screams of ‘You are my woman’ or ‘you can meet someone else now you slag’, the first was less tiring. It was easier to just accept it, not make any issues. If I acted cold or said ‘we are not together’, he would get angry, violent, nasty and actually quite scary.

Cutting contact completely seemed too extreme and his manipulation made me fear the repercussions of that. He’s clever really. Not now though he really has pushed me too far. My daughter is NOT being exposed to his lies.

Hearing how he was going to show me what I mean to him repeatedly caused more pain when he just didn’t. Broken promises hurt. Everyone wants to hear the things he was saying and to then just deceive me is so painful. One particular evening when he was telling me all day he was coming to see me and how he he couldn’t wait. He was so excited apparently and I was not given a choice but to allow him this time. I ended up packing up all his stuff and it was in the bathroom for weeks. Middle of August it was, we had standard conversations throughout the day where he would keep saying ‘I’m going to be an hour’ .. 11am eventually turned into ‘I will be 20 minutes baby’ at 6pm and he just never showed. What kind of vile psychotic animal does that? All night I was ringing his phone and the reminders of HOW many times he put me through this previously. It’s sick, twisted, disrespectful, damaging and totally unforgivable.

He was with someone else. It was obvious and I am not stupid!! Of course he denied it and even though now I 100% know different he still will never admit! We’ve been here before! I was abused for ever suggesting it. I was the one saying sorry. After this occasion he even got our social worker in on his lies, she past on his messages ‘he will do what it takes to be a family.’ Always making promises he had no intention to keep.

He had his chance to leave me alone. He had his chances to just be a father without coming by feeling entitled to my body. Now he has ruined that.

How does someone get over all the lying? It is scary how well he lies. For weeks I’ve been saying how fucking obvious it has been, it’s him all over, he doesn’t have a home, when I’m pushing him away he needs another supply. He managed to get away with it for so long because I barely ring him. He’s come by stinking when he needs a shower. Like honestly. He’s not showering 4-5 days and shows up absolutely stinking. The empath in me lets him in ‘ I need you’, ‘I’ve been hurt’ alongside some fabricated story about a fight he’s had, ‘all I’ve been thinking about is you.’ Of course at 1 o’clock in the morning I can hardly say no, this particular time was early September, the next morning I got a punch in my leg for not ‘caring enough’. See how quick these cycles were. Crazy!

More recently I’ve got more angry with him, when he wasn’t around my mind would be going over and over. Second guessing EVERYTHING he’s ever said, remembering the times he lied before and when the truth was revealed he didn’t even seem bothered. A normal person feels embarrassed when lies are revealed, not a person like him. He believes it his right to lie, there’s a reason and it isn’t that bad anyway. He then expects trust like it’s a given right!

At these times he tells me I’m abusive to him. I probably am. Telling him I hate him daily, how disgusting he is, cheating and lying constantly. He would flip back and say worse but then quickly be so desperate for us to not argue. He definitely could realise he was losing control, so would switch on the charm (lovebombing.)

“Baby I’ve treated you so bad, I understand why you feel like this” and “I’m going to help you” and “you are my fucking world. I can’t even look at another woman.” He was so set on making out that it’s just my insecurities this time because of his previous track record I actually believe him. I believe that ‘he didn’t know what he had to lose last time.’ I believe when he’s around because he’s a a clever good liar. When I’m not wrapped up with his lies and charms my gut knows.. underneath I’m not as stupid as I’ve appeared to be for nearly 2 years. I’m not!

A pathological liar will not change, they only get found out by someone close to them. Psychologists have often said that it is in fact a mental disorder which begins from someone with such low self esteem they are hell bent on bringing others down and making themselves seem more attractive to everyone around them. When he can talk about a job lined up or his driving test booked or another favourite of his ‘I’ve bought you (or baby) something.’ Interesting when said thing never showed, it is then another lie as to why. It’s a complicated spiral web of manipulation and it’s fucking difficult to escape.

To everyone and anyone who will listen I am the liar, and oh they will believe him. They have no reason to not when he’s this much of a liar, it’s the way he gets through life.

He may be a good liar …. but he will be found out!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

I have a great life ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

When I erase him out of the equation my life is truly great. I have an amazing job which I absolutely love, and I have 2 beautiful children who are my motivation for everything.

I do feel ashamed. Ashamed I’ve let him take over, he’s got me so under a spell I potentially haven’t been the best mum I could have. They have seen and heard too much and I honestly feel like the last year has been a blur. I’ve loved being a mum again but I do feel some of the enjoyment has been over shadowed by this black cloud.

Tonight I’m at the hospital with my youngest baby, she’s not been very well and has had bleeding from her ear. My sister is with me and it’s got me thinking.

When baby was just 6 weeks old I ended up here with her. I had to wake him up from his ‘girlfriends’ bed by calling her phone.. after spending the previous day with me and filling my head full of lies. He didn’t even have parental responsibility at this point as I had already registered her birth without him, I wish I had the strength back then to not allow him near us. The day was spent with more mind games, verbal abuse then love , verbal abuse and love again! Promising that his ‘fling’ was going to end soon, he was confused, I had hurt him and it was his ‘revenge.’ He left the hospital and went to hers, he was chilling watching TV with her whilst I was sat in the hospital!

Whilst in rage I rang his cousin… ‘he should fucking be here.’ He needed another man to explain this to him!! When he finally came I thanked him, I THANKED him! Who should thank the father of their child for just ‘being a dad.’ All evening I was just talking to him about ‘being a family’ and I begged him to stay the night. He did spend the night with us, lied to his girlfriend saying baby had to stay in hospital. What the fuck was I doing?! Now it is clear, such a manipulator!

I will also never forget the day I was admitted into hospital before giving birth to my baby girl. He was so nasty. SO SO nasty! He was disinterested , moaning he was hot and I was the only woman without a partner by her bed for the majority of the day. When he finally got there he was angry my friend was there. Told me he didn’t need to have bothered. I remember sitting outside and he was firing words at me, with a look of hatred in his eyes. I did nothing but sob, sob and sob some more whilst I listened to everything he disliked about me. Pregnant and overdue yet he still managed to make it all about him! Why have I continued allowing him in my life ?

Unfortunately I had another weak moment today and called him. There is NEVER a positive from these phone calls. I will learn this eventually. He tells me he’s gonna come see me I tell him no f’ing way and it gets nasty ! ‘What did you expect Kerry?’ He screams ‘Every day you tell me you hate me so what did you expect!’

Oh yes I forgot it is my fault you continued to lie and sleep around, it’s my fault!

Posted in DomesticAbuse, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum

Day 1

Posted on by KerryLouise

So I’m back at Day 1 on that rollercoaster that is dieting ! I’ve gained 7lb since May and it’s purely down to the fact I can’t just eat in moderation. If I have 1 cookie I see it as a failure so eat 6. It’s a mad mentality. It needs to come back down, I need that confidence back.

Went and let idiot into my life again this weekend, I wanted a night out and out of babysitting options I called on him. Something has got to give … 2 hours late on Saturday for his daddy duties and then Sunday morning picked a fight for no reason. I don’t want bitterness, I don’t want the bad feeling but I really don’t want to be with him either!

Sunday morning he sat and went through my phone told me ‘men can do certain things women can’t.’ I feel like I go blank when he starts now , I got upset. His passive aggressiveness is too much , then made the mistake of having him come back Sunday night too. This morning was even worse, got the bruised gripped hand marks on my top left arm to prove that. Then he goes on like it’s completely normal and carries on with his ‘I love you’ bullshit!!

He honestly is the only person I know who could have a row with himself in an empty room. Any chance he gets! On Saturday he even showed me some dirt on his jumper and asked me like I am a child ‘what the fuck is that?’ I don’t know where he learnt how to talk to people but it certainly wasn’t in a good place. Equally how am I meant to know why his jumper has a stain.. oh sorry I forgot it was because I had packed all his stuff up and he’s living out of the suitcases and bags! My fault .. of course it’s my fault.

This morning was one of those times I longed for a button. A button I could press to just get him out ! Get him to disappear. It started because baby picked something up and put it to her mouth. It then becomes this massive deal where he blames everyone else for this happening and how she could have died. Funny thing is .. he’s barely around and I’ve kept her alive so I’m pretty sure he didn’t save her life today. Then when he’d stopped having his hissy fit over that it was then over something else. He makes me sit on the bed to ‘talk’ yet all he does is shout bullshit at me , doesn’t let me say a word and then complains how ‘he can’t even talk to me.’ He holds me on the bed I try push him off , kick him off too but I get a back hand to the top of my bare leg. God he’s evil, like a bad bad parent from the days when violence was ok on your own children. I much rather be on my own I rather loneliness than this. Unfortunately it isn’t rare, his stroppy moods, his sulking and his just bad bad negative vibe is constant.

I used to long for him to come places with me, wished he’d spend more time with us … now I want him to go. I would love him back in prison. A place where he has little control and I can feel at peace. We can watch a film together, chill but that’s about it anything else is World War 3. Oh and let’s not forget how slow he is at getting ready.. and I’m meant to just wait around for him. There was no reason today he had to leave with us but instead stressed us all out , took my car key and took baby off me after grabbing my arm. I was left with no choice but to wait.

He left me being the sweet side of him (which I believe is why he wanted me to wait) , stayed with us in town for a bit and went on his way.

I need a distraction, someone I can call when I feel to call him. I had 2 texts today the 2nd saying ‘I love you so much.’ Then just now he was rude, obnoxious, arrogant and uninterested with me on the phone. Hung up on me without saying goodbye, standard procedure for him with then a message saying ‘sorry beautiful mad busy tonight.’

God sake police … just catch him. Get him locked up!

Posted in alone, baby, cheat, Company, Diet, DomesticAbuse, Heart, Heartbreak, intimate, life, Lonely, love, Mistakes, mother, Parenting, pregnancy, pregnant, relationship, relationships, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum

A day without crying ? 

Posted on by KerryLouise

I woke up yesterday with a sickness bug. I hate being sick. I hate it even more when I have no one around me to take care of me. It made me feel emotional, I couldn’t believe it was now entering the fourth day without contact with the ex. How was he feeling?! Does he even care? I knew he was probably playing the victim, even in his own head, guaranteed he’s still got it inside him that it’s all my fault. ‘What kind of woman gets his man locked?’ He’ll be asking.  I cast my mind back to the number of times he would just attack me with words about how I bet I would do that too him. I’m that type of girl, I’m low like that. Back then I never would, he just went TOO far. 

I did call him today from my mums phone, I know how his mind works and he’ll just be building up more hate for me if I don’t attempt contact. If I call him and ask when he wants his clothes he can’t blame me for not having them can he? He admitted he had tried to call me, used someone else’s phone and had been to the flat, that made me feel better. I asked him if I should take his clothes to that girls work place, he snapped back ‘why should you?’ He said he wasn’t staying there, last time he admitted he was staying with his new girlfriend so I have no reason to doubt him. Or do I ?! To be honest it is unlikely, unless she really is a desperate needy slag. Alarm bells would certainly ring to me if he was suddenly needing to be there all the time, despite him telling her he lives at his grandmas oh and not to mention the lies he told her even about his name. Anyway who cares, even if she doesn’t know now she’ll work it out herself. 

I asked him if he was happy, he said ‘do I sound happy?!’ I asked him if he’s missed me and he said ‘yeh I have.’ I didn’t tell him I missed him, I wasn’t going to give him that satisfaction. I felt better after the call, and I feel good this morning. 

I felt a bit low when I got in from my dads last night. I told them how I got myself in a cycle where he was the one to make me feel so low and drill me into the ground but I relied on him to bring me back up again. I hate it when I miss him, because I only miss the small amounts of time it was good. I need to remember the times I felt sick when I didn’t know where he was, the anxiousness I would feel when I worry whether he’s going to show up or not. The anger I would get when his phone was off or he wouldn’t answer the calls. The disrespectfulness when he would tell me to get off his line, tell me I was a fucking dickhead, a fucking prick, a slag. He would scream at me how I wasn’t a real woman, how I made him sick to his bones, more recently how I was dead to him and how he could get any girl he wanted, where as I was old with two kids. When I was pregnant he would tell me he feels sorry for his daughter having a mother like me, how I’m constantly stressing out his daughter and I’m a mess. I could go on but it’s not necessary, this stuff is enough. 

He always manipulated everything so it was always some how my fault. We would plan a night out, a meal and some time together. He would cause an argument and tell me this was the reason he never wanted to be around me, how I was boring and I bring it all on my self. I feel sick when I look back at times when he clearly went off with that other girl and realistically god knows how many girls there has been. He’s an animal and he’s vile and I am proud in myself that I can finally see everything he has done to me was never my fault. I justified his actions so many times and I can honestly say even if he shows me change I will never ever get over what he’s done to me. Destroyed me, abused me and trampled all over me during a time when I needed a man. A real man. 

I am out tonight, he said he would show up today to get some clothes. I hope he doesn’t, the buzzer is still on private and I’ll try go out this afternoon. My gorgeous princess slept from 9:30pm – 6am and right now she’s happily sat in her chair talking to herself. I’m the real winner, I have so much love in my daughters and my whole life ahead of me. What the hell does he have?! 

I reckon I can go the whole of today with no tears and I really cannot wait to go out tonight. 

Posted in alone, baby, cheat, Deceit, Heart, Heartbreak, life, Lonely, love, Mistakes, relationship, relationships, sex, Singlemum, Strength, Uncategorized

Finally I’ve done it. I’ve made the cut off!

Posted on by KerryLouise

Finally I’ve done it. I’ve made the cut off. I have to be honest I still hope for a life with him. What is wrong with me? But yes a good life ! No more talking can fix this now and yesterday I made the decision that I really well and truly can no longer be around him! Thursday he was lovely .. (as he is around me) and asked if he could stay the night.

The evening came and he was adamant in the fact that I was right , he has realised on his own. He can’t imagine anyone else having me. We deserve another chance. I felt content in the fact that he was spending the night, so surely this was progress, although still had my doubts in thinking he could have told her anything to get away for the evening. I made it clear that if he still had seeds to sow then he should do it , but said I wasn’t prepared to not move on just so he can go out and do what ever he pleases. He on numerous times said that that wasn’t what he wanted, he wanted me, he wanted us.

Friday he was still saying the same, held me and told me I had nothing to worry about. Friday night came and he agreed to stay in with our baby whilst I went to Milton Keynes for a few drinks for a friends birthday. I got all ready and felt positive, 9:30 and I rang and he said ’20 mins’ .. did he answer his phone after that?! Did he fuck!! How calculated and cruel does one person get. I wake to 3 messages all around 40 minutes apart and all saying sorry. He wasn’t that sorry because his phone doesn’t go on until 2:30pm. I was calm , he was off! He told me ‘he was coming,’ an hour later I wanted to find out what time he was coming. No answer!! He then texts ‘y u keep ringing me?’ .. is he serious ?? Obviously he lives in a world where it isn’t normal to ring their partner and find out a time I would be seeing him. I asked him what time and he sent ‘don’t no.’ This shitty behaviour is fucked up, clearly he was around her ! Does he not remember what he was saying just 24 hours previously ?!?

Enough was enough … I did what I said I was going to do all those days ago. I changed my number !! Not only that but I sent his little a girlfriend a VERY long message explaining how disrespectful he is towards her around me. How he is still sleeping with me and continued to tell me it’s me he wants!

Maybe I did the wrong thing, I had no proof he was with her and many would disagree in me ‘getting involved’ but I am involved. Why shouldn’t she know all this. I do stand by how she would learn for herself eventually that he won’t ever be a true boyfriend to her but the bitter side to me wanted her to know that it’s me that has walked away this time! I also wanted to make sure that he ended up with no one. Show him what it’s like to lose me and me ruining anything with her means he’d notice it a lot sooner.
This evening my sister called him to let him know he could arrange to see baby through her. He wasn’t happy about that! Charlotte told him I was completely done with the situation and how I couldn’t be around him when he behaves how he does. I’m immature apparently for not even speaking to him. What does talking do ?? Other than get inside my head. He explained he was at his grandmas so maybe the little girl has listened to what I said, she’ll probably let him back again but I know 100% she will wish she never did.

Posted in baby, cheat, Deceit, Diet, Heart, Heartbreak, Uncategorized

Man up!!

Posted on by KerryLouise

Baby woke me up as she needed feeding. Last night she woke every 2 hours but we both went back off straight away. It’s 2:30am and I’m now wide awake. I’m starving! A banana will have to do.

I’ve worked out that it’s now been 4 weeks. 4 weeks on Friday of Dom telling me how he doesn’t want her, and how he needs to get rid of her. I read back to the first post when I wrote how I knew he wouldn’t do it straight away but 4 weeks is taking the piss! I know a good chunk of that time he was saying he didn’t want me either but still! 

He come in tonight and again kissing me, telling me it’s me he wants. (He was bloody early too.) How it was just a situation where he was getting back at me but he’s not doing that anymore. I believe him at the time but when he’s not around I don’t. I really don’t. Then I try and think logical here, why put up with the stress from both of us? Surely he’s fucking tired of it too. Having her moan about being with me (well sorry love but you should have seen that coming) constantly whining about comments he makes like how he’s buying me a birthday present and me telling him I AM NOT WAITING around forever. Tonight I said how I will go with someone else if I find out he’s still sleeping with her, he held me and said to please not do that to him. As he left after our playfulness and love he promises he’s going to stay over tomorrow night to which I said he has a week to get his shit out of hers and get rid of her properly or I’m gone. He once again said ok.

Now at silly o’clock in the morning I’m thinking no! Not a week! Why should I give him a week?! He’s had long enough. She may not have respect for herself but allowing this man to walk all over her, and I certainly too haven’t shown that respect for myself but I will. To be honest this is the first time since Friday I’ve questioned his commitment to us again, obviously I’ve been waiting for it to happen. I can imagine what he’s said to her since he didn’t answer my phone call or text tonight after he left. ‘Ahh I’m so sorry babe for the pictures of me playing happy families with my baby mum I’ll stay with you tonight’ 🙄 roll eyes. 

Even if he’s not with her I’m going to continue having this feeling until he finally moves home. It’s not healthy. She did share some new bullshit quote tonight about ‘never finding another her’ so have to try and take that as comfort that he’s not acting all lovey Dovey with her still. 

This is ridiculous!! 

Posted in alone, baby, breastfeeding, cheat, Deceit, Diet, Heart, Heartbreak, Lonely, love, Mistakes, relationship, relationships, Singlemum, Strength, Uncategorized

Baby’s first cinema trip 

Posted on by KerryLouise

My little cutie went to the cinema for the first time today. Good as gold as per usual. My sister had to change a very explosive nappy though and she did feed on both boobs. She’s still a little angel. 

Her daddy text in the afternoon asking how we both were. He said he wasn’t coming straight from work, that’s fine I replied and when he called you could tell he didn’t understand my relaxed attitude when I said I had made new plans too. I don’t want to stop him from seeing us but if he can’t stick to a time then that gives me the option to be unavailable and can keep him at a distance. He needs to miss us. 

We spoke later on and he mentioned how he had been talking with someone from work who said how I must be lonely. He never wanted me to feel lonely or unloved apparently. It’s inevitable though and I just commented that I’m used to being alone, I just miss him. It was a pleasant phone call and I feel ok. Sometimes my mind wanders and I think about him with her and all the lies and deceit but that does me no favours and I’m only punishing myself. 

 I sent him some words to think about … 


Tomorrow I weigh myself. Last Wednesday I began a no gluten or sugar diet and I’ve found it pretty easy. Today I had sugar though at the cinema but hey ho. Can’t be perfect. I’ve had two comments today about weight loss and I am definitely feeling more confident in myself. 

Literally buzzing for a night out with my friends on my birthday. Ordered a dress last night and I cannot wait to get fully dressed up again. Fingers crossed I just feel super fabulous by then ❤️

Posted in cheat, Deceit, Heart, Heartbreak, prison, prisonwives, relationship, relationships, singlemum, Strength, Uncategorized, Women

Tiny steps ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

After a lazy morning just blogging, merging my two blogs and reading over the old posts I’ve made I totally feel like Dominic should read them. Especially the ones of when he was inside. He could see how I was always saying ‘he was the one’ , how in love I was, how at times I was angry and got mad about the situation. I know he suffered but he needs to realise I did too!! 

I then made the mistake of reading over some of the letters he sent me whilst he was inside, it made me cry. Maybe it was all me, maybe I have completely fucked his love for me… but then I remind myself of all the love he’s still shown me since his release and even after I told him whilst he was still inside. It’s still there, it is definitely still there ! This blog may not show that love but remember people only tend to blog when things are going badly! 


The bit that gets to me is that he does talk of loyalty a lot. There’s many letters saying how he can’t share me, he talks of our children and how he’s going to let them know how their mummy is his queen. That word loyal , it stings me. It really does. I’m annoyed with myself for being as weak as I was. 


Throughout this year when we have been getting on he has admitted that I was always there for him mentally and that’s what was important. 



Then I read the above and realise, okay the other woman stuff may not have happened if I hadn’t off met that other guy but he still would have done all the other stuff. The cheating has only been the icing on the cake, the rest of the year was nothing to do with girls! 

I have a box full of letters like this. The letters only stopped when he managed to get hold of a mobile a lot more and he had it over night a lot. He forgets this and was last night screaming at how the emails stopped coming. How I went so long without visiting him, (genuinely due to money and work) and how he just knew something was up. I remember speaking to him loads on the phone, why would I send emails when we speak on the phone daily?! We had phone sex whenever he had the phone over night and he was still so amazingly loving even AFTER I told him about the little fling I had. Last night the anger and hate in his eyes devastated me thinking he literally couldn’t get over it but I’m adamant that all this love can’t just be dead and buried. 

I called him this evening as was expecting him. I told him we should leave it till tomorrow since he was running late and I had some friends to see. Progress! He was calling me baby and said how he’s been thinking about us all day. I briefly tell him about the blog posts and the letters. Once again he tells me he loves me and we can make it work. 

I didn’t call again, which is also progress for me. Often no contact is better than contact if he’s cold and distant on the phone so it makes sense. I try not to think too much about what he’s up too, even if he is with her, I know he’ll be thinking of me. 

In future I won’t be the one making any sexual advances or asking for a cuddle. I need to try and not bring ‘us’ up and just let him enjoy being with his daughter. Rather than talk about the bad stuff and where we went wrong which usually just annoys him and reminds him. I’ll let him enjoy his daughter and be a nice person to be around. He promised straight from work (again) and would bring a change of clothes so he can shower here. Then spend the whole evening with us. I must not kick of when that doesn’t happen, and certainly not have bloody sex with him!! 

If he doesn’t show, that’s when I will change my number. Changing my number would certainly make him happy too since he has asked repeatedly since we first met!! He mentioned today again how he wants me to get rid of any men I’m chatting too since he saw my WhatsApp yesterday. Bit rich considering he’s doing what he’s doing but I literally don’t want to give him anymore ammunition. 

Why the hell does he have me like this? I can’t imagine life without him. 😩 It’s bloody pathetic !!!!

Posted in baby, Birth story, breastfeeding, life, love, Newborn, Parenting, pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, sex, singlemum, Strength, Uncategorized, Women

Baby had her first bottle 🍼

Posted on by KerryLouise

It hasn’t been an easy decision and I did ignore the health visitors advice for a week. The breastfeeding gurus on Monday told me to just feed more but realistically with this current set up it’s pretty impossible. I don’t have the support a woman needs who wants to exclusively breastfeed, I still get pain and I need to start trying to sort a routine. 

So today she had her first bottle with formula. I’ve also given her expressed in a bottle and she has fed on me since too so it hasn’t gone too bad. Hopefully she now gains some weight. It also gave me a sense of freedom already. 

She’s such a good baby , she’s literally amazing 😍

Yesterday afternoon I struggled. I hit a low again , sobbing out loud with that heart wrenching pain. He went to hers after work at 6am and although I thought I’d be ok with it I really wasn’t!! All his betrayal makes me sick and the fact he’s still going there makes me so angry and hurt! Wednesday afternoon his texts were pleasant and he even felt the need to text ‘xx’ . We spoke in the morning and I still felt positive like we could sort it out eventually. He ended the call saying ‘love you too.’ 

Evening came and he text saying ‘can I make it up to you I feel ill’ if it was his first excuse and he’d been brilliant for past 4 weeks I would have accepted it. But no … it’s not on. I made a comment about how he’s making excuses just to be with her … THEN he said ‘listen stop bringing my girl into our arguments.’ Is he fucking serious ??? His girl ?? Yet he has been with me for 3 days , stroking my face, kissing me, holding our baby talking about how he’s going to win me back. All done in front of his brother at times! Then he has the cheek to disrespect me like that! Mugging me off in front of a 20 year old girl. NO! This is where this stops!! What was I thinking anyway allowing him to continue with two lives. Even before this I had made the decision it had to stop. I had to be stronger … he needs to miss us now and lose us for even a chance of him fixing up and stop being such a selfish prick! 

A phone call to his bro and a suitcase and 5 bin bags later I took all his stuff to his dad’s house. I sent messages with abuse and he still text saying ‘I will always love you.’ No matey you fucked up. Showing off in front of someone who is half the person I am! He also text saying he was going to come straight from work. Again I told him no! He can’t just pop by whenever he pleases anymore! That girl child is welcome to him. He won’t change for anyone and I felt good for the first time in a long time!! I know he’ll regret this. I know he’ll be back. I know this little set up he has with blondie won’t last and he’s only enjoying the fact she’ll take his shit! 

He had gone to work and at 3am I woke to messages saying ring me and also saying ‘I know you’re awake!’ I did what I said I wouldn’t do but called him, same old SHIT! About how I hurt him, how he wants a woman he can trust. Who will support him no matter what. The boy is deluded. I’ve given him the chance of a proper life and he throws it back in my face. I’ll give it to him he does manipulate the situation so I’m apologising , I’m still saying after everything I’d still be willing to give us a chance. To that he just says how he doesn’t think I’ll mean it and as soon as I’m myself again I’ll just leave. He continues to go on about how well I was looking when he was in jail and how it hurts so bad that someone else had me. It’s all very childish and it’s all the same stuff we talk of. I need to leave him to it now. No amount of talking will make him see sense, he needs to realise for himself and it’s very likely I won’t still be around when he does realise. End of the day … if he REALLY didn’t care, didn’t want me and had ‘moved on.’ He wouldn’t spend hours talking to me about this stuff. He wouldn’t want to confuse situations by having sex with me. He would just say ‘I’ve left, I love Ariana and can we not make it about us anymore but only her’ .. the talking is frustrating ! Why bother if he knew 100% we were never going to work. 

Today I woke up feeling sad. Thinking maybe it is all my fault , how maybe I shouldn’t have told him my mistakes (as he suggested) and how gutted I was. That was until I read a few entries of an older blog of when he was in prison. It was hard reading the posts about how in love we were, and how strong it was making us and how he was my soul mate. Then I read a post where I was questioning my loyalty to him anyway. It was deep it was raw .. pretty much summed up how much of a prick he was before he  went too. 

Reality is … he’s never treated me right. Only time he did was when he was behind bars, and of course he would then. I’ve given nearly 3 years of my life to him, had his baby and he still questions my commitment!? What a messed up boy! 

By this afternoon I again was thinking how maybe me keeping a distance would make him come good. I have to have a little hope, even if it’s not for a relationship but for our daughter! She doesn’t deserve a pop by dad who only wants her when it suits him. 

He wasn’t interested in organising seeing her through a mutual person so I suggested he has her on his own at mine. Suggesting this Saturday night only put me under the spotlight with questions! Where am I going? Who with? What am I doing? He was clucking all ready! 

This afternoon he text asking how we both were, then said how he missed Ariana, asked where I was then finally said ‘please don’t ignore me’. I replied with ‘yeh we’re cool thanks’ nearly 2 hours later and nothing more! His reply 

See!! He’s not well! He’s a very confused boy and if he doesn’t sort himself out he will lose far too much and then regret this for the rest of his life ! 

I didn’t reply. He’ll be at work now, and I can’t lie I rather think about him being at work during the night than being with her. I know I cross his mind, we both will. He admits how it’s bloody constant, I literally think of nothing else at the moment either and even the most selfish person in the world wouldn’t be able to block all this out. 

I need to stay this strong. This time it can’t just be days .. it needs to be weeks. Months even! When he wants to see Ariana I need to leave him to it with her, I can’t be around him as he just makes me weak. It won’t be a daily thing either and I won’t be the one asking when he wants to see her. He knows what he needs to do. 

I’m just taking each day at a time xxx 

Posted in baby, breastfeeding, life, love, Newborn, Parenting, pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, sex, singlemum, Strength, Uncategorized, Women

Baby’s first hospital trip 

Posted on by KerryLouise

It’s pretty scary for mother to see blood in your baby’s sick as you can imagine ! I first called NHS direct at 3:45 am on Monday morning. What a surprise Dominic wasn’t contactable.

We went for lunch on Sunday as planned and we ended up being together for like 8 hours. It’s one thing saying he can have minimal contact but when we’re together and getting on, why would I begrudge our daughter and also me of this family time ?! He wanted to bath her too and saying no it would just turn nasty. I have to be honest I also like having him around.

I think he realised how important it is to be around more or at LEAST contactable for his daughters sake after he finally learnt she was in hospital on Monday morning. It’s frustrating that he can’t just realise this!

Luckily turns out the blood was likely to be from me after a bad latch. It was well worth the visit as she is now being treated for reflux. Which is likely why she hasn’t gained weight and not due to my breast milk. Dom was brilliant all day, had to tell him again in the evening about himself but he saw sense pretty quickly and he came home with us. I was bloody tired so I really needed the support.

He’s spent the majority of the day here too. I am so torn between knowing I deserve better to thinking we can work through this. Outsiders will call me crazy but I’ve realised now how much I did really hurt him by meeting someone else when he was inside. We have both been unkind to each other and yes his revenge was done at a disgusting time but the thought of life without him kills me. The thought of not giving this another chance for our baby just isn’t an option for me. We haven’t been right for ages and yes she’s still on the scene but I think it will come good.

She called him Sunday stressing as to why he was still with me. After that it was quite easy to show myself exactly how weak he is of a person. He just laid on the bed and I showed him what he was missing. After all I have needs too!

I know he will always tell me he loves me, make comments how ‘mummy needs to have me home’ and making it pretty clear she means nothing to him. Right now he has no where to really go as I’m not ready to have him here full time. Not only due to forgiveness but because of trust. I’m not putting myself in that position again, I’m letting her be the one stressing about where he is and what he’s doing. I’m not going to force him into making a decision nor will I use our baby as a reason we should cut the crap and start again. At the minute it’s like I’m the other woman and I rather it be that way then me being the one cheated on, she thinks he’s here just seeing our baby but separated couples don’t behave like us. Realistically will I be able to trust him again ??? That I’m not so sure about.