Tag: singlemum

Posted in DomesticAbuse

I have a great life ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

When I erase him out of the equation my life is truly great. I have an amazing job which I absolutely love, and I have 2 beautiful children who are my motivation for everything.

I do feel ashamed. Ashamed I’ve let him take over, he’s got me so under a spell I potentially haven’t been the best mum I could have. They have seen and heard too much and I honestly feel like the last year has been a blur. I’ve loved being a mum again but I do feel some of the enjoyment has been over shadowed by this black cloud.

Tonight I’m at the hospital with my youngest baby, she’s not been very well and has had bleeding from her ear. My sister is with me and it’s got me thinking.

When baby was just 6 weeks old I ended up here with her. I had to wake him up from his ‘girlfriends’ bed by calling her phone.. after spending the previous day with me and filling my head full of lies. He didn’t even have parental responsibility at this point as I had already registered her birth without him, I wish I had the strength back then to not allow him near us. The day was spent with more mind games, verbal abuse then love , verbal abuse and love again! Promising that his ‘fling’ was going to end soon, he was confused, I had hurt him and it was his ‘revenge.’ He left the hospital and went to hers, he was chilling watching TV with her whilst I was sat in the hospital!

Whilst in rage I rang his cousin… ‘he should fucking be here.’ He needed another man to explain this to him!! When he finally came I thanked him, I THANKED him! Who should thank the father of their child for just ‘being a dad.’ All evening I was just talking to him about ‘being a family’ and I begged him to stay the night. He did spend the night with us, lied to his girlfriend saying baby had to stay in hospital. What the fuck was I doing?! Now it is clear, such a manipulator!

I will also never forget the day I was admitted into hospital before giving birth to my baby girl. He was so nasty. SO SO nasty! He was disinterested , moaning he was hot and I was the only woman without a partner by her bed for the majority of the day. When he finally got there he was angry my friend was there. Told me he didn’t need to have bothered. I remember sitting outside and he was firing words at me, with a look of hatred in his eyes. I did nothing but sob, sob and sob some more whilst I listened to everything he disliked about me. Pregnant and overdue yet he still managed to make it all about him! Why have I continued allowing him in my life ?

Unfortunately I had another weak moment today and called him. There is NEVER a positive from these phone calls. I will learn this eventually. He tells me he’s gonna come see me I tell him no f’ing way and it gets nasty ! ‘What did you expect Kerry?’ He screams ‘Every day you tell me you hate me so what did you expect!’

Oh yes I forgot it is my fault you continued to lie and sleep around, it’s my fault!

Posted in DomesticAbuse, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum

Day 1

Posted on by KerryLouise

So I’m back at Day 1 on that rollercoaster that is dieting ! I’ve gained 7lb since May and it’s purely down to the fact I can’t just eat in moderation. If I have 1 cookie I see it as a failure so eat 6. It’s a mad mentality. It needs to come back down, I need that confidence back.

Went and let idiot into my life again this weekend, I wanted a night out and out of babysitting options I called on him. Something has got to give … 2 hours late on Saturday for his daddy duties and then Sunday morning picked a fight for no reason. I don’t want bitterness, I don’t want the bad feeling but I really don’t want to be with him either!

Sunday morning he sat and went through my phone told me ‘men can do certain things women can’t.’ I feel like I go blank when he starts now , I got upset. His passive aggressiveness is too much , then made the mistake of having him come back Sunday night too. This morning was even worse, got the bruised gripped hand marks on my top left arm to prove that. Then he goes on like it’s completely normal and carries on with his ‘I love you’ bullshit!!

He honestly is the only person I know who could have a row with himself in an empty room. Any chance he gets! On Saturday he even showed me some dirt on his jumper and asked me like I am a child ‘what the fuck is that?’ I don’t know where he learnt how to talk to people but it certainly wasn’t in a good place. Equally how am I meant to know why his jumper has a stain.. oh sorry I forgot it was because I had packed all his stuff up and he’s living out of the suitcases and bags! My fault .. of course it’s my fault.

This morning was one of those times I longed for a button. A button I could press to just get him out ! Get him to disappear. It started because baby picked something up and put it to her mouth. It then becomes this massive deal where he blames everyone else for this happening and how she could have died. Funny thing is .. he’s barely around and I’ve kept her alive so I’m pretty sure he didn’t save her life today. Then when he’d stopped having his hissy fit over that it was then over something else. He makes me sit on the bed to ‘talk’ yet all he does is shout bullshit at me , doesn’t let me say a word and then complains how ‘he can’t even talk to me.’ He holds me on the bed I try push him off , kick him off too but I get a back hand to the top of my bare leg. God he’s evil, like a bad bad parent from the days when violence was ok on your own children. I much rather be on my own I rather loneliness than this. Unfortunately it isn’t rare, his stroppy moods, his sulking and his just bad bad negative vibe is constant.

I used to long for him to come places with me, wished he’d spend more time with us … now I want him to go. I would love him back in prison. A place where he has little control and I can feel at peace. We can watch a film together, chill but that’s about it anything else is World War 3. Oh and let’s not forget how slow he is at getting ready.. and I’m meant to just wait around for him. There was no reason today he had to leave with us but instead stressed us all out , took my car key and took baby off me after grabbing my arm. I was left with no choice but to wait.

He left me being the sweet side of him (which I believe is why he wanted me to wait) , stayed with us in town for a bit and went on his way.

I need a distraction, someone I can call when I feel to call him. I had 2 texts today the 2nd saying ‘I love you so much.’ Then just now he was rude, obnoxious, arrogant and uninterested with me on the phone. Hung up on me without saying goodbye, standard procedure for him with then a message saying ‘sorry beautiful mad busy tonight.’

God sake police … just catch him. Get him locked up!

Posted in alone, baby, Beauty, book, Company, Deceit, DomesticAbuse, Heartbreak, single mum, Singlemum, Strength

4 months on!

Posted on by KerryLouise

So it has been 4 months since my last post. I had almost forgot about my blog, maybe I tried to forget everything that was in it. In denial… telling myself ‘that didn’t happen’ kind of situation.

But I am now truly in a place where I want to reach out to other women who may have battled with domestic abuse like me or maybe others who are currently going through it. I know I still am.

My last post wasn’t a lie, it was great. We got on so well and everything finally felt like it was all ‘worth it’… but it didn’t last long. We went away on holiday in May and if I am really honest with myself I noticed that devil in him a few times whilst we were away.

My baby girl is nearly 1 and she truly is amazing. She does have a really good bond with her dad but that is slowly diminishing since she is in nursery full time now and I know longer rely on him for childcare whilst I am at work. Well I couldn’t rely on him.

I started my new job in June and he was adamant he wanted to have her whilst I worked. It caused far more stress than it was worth and now she is in nursery full time.

Let’s get this straight I do not love him, he no longer makes me feel special, I spend most of my time despising him yet I just cannot seem to shake off the fact he still gets under my skin so much.

Take the past 12 hours for example, promised he would come by and ‘spend some time with us’… this is all his doing since I tell him countless times I do not want a relationship like this. I live life as a single mum yet have the stresses of a unsupportive man in a nasty relationship. I had a hint of hope of being able to go to boot camp, and then spin this morning plus who turns down company right? It got to 6pm and I started convincing myself I didn’t want to go to boot camp, much to his happiness. He was all ‘oh thank god baby. I didn’t want to let you down but I’ve got to stay in the spot as my mate has gone to London, but I will come by straight after.’ 10pm came… what a surprise… no where to be seen, he then does this thing where we be on the phone he’ll say ring me back in 5 minutes and doesn’t answer until 40 minutes later. Those 35 minutes I am a woman possessed with constant ringing and abusive text messages. It’s torture and exhausting. We spoke again at 00:45am where he 100% promised to be at mine at 6am to watch my girls whilst I went to a spin class. ‘100%, I got you, I adore you, this is all for our family’ … he needs some new lines he really does.

Did he show?? Did he fuck!!

He’s completely incapable of accepting his faults. ‘I didn’t do it on purpose’… ‘my line of work means I go days without sleep and if my body decides to shut down I can’t help it’… Like I have never heard such a crock of shit in my life… well I have but only ever from him. He then has a habit of turning it all back round on me. Projection!! Accuses me of everything he is fucking guilty of….

I will talk of Projection in my next blog. Right now I am at work and must get on 🙂

Posted in alone, baby, cheat, Company, Diet, DomesticAbuse, Heart, Heartbreak, intimate, life, Lonely, love, Mistakes, mother, Parenting, pregnancy, pregnant, relationship, relationships, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum

A day without crying ? 

Posted on by KerryLouise

I woke up yesterday with a sickness bug. I hate being sick. I hate it even more when I have no one around me to take care of me. It made me feel emotional, I couldn’t believe it was now entering the fourth day without contact with the ex. How was he feeling?! Does he even care? I knew he was probably playing the victim, even in his own head, guaranteed he’s still got it inside him that it’s all my fault. ‘What kind of woman gets his man locked?’ He’ll be asking.  I cast my mind back to the number of times he would just attack me with words about how I bet I would do that too him. I’m that type of girl, I’m low like that. Back then I never would, he just went TOO far. 

I did call him today from my mums phone, I know how his mind works and he’ll just be building up more hate for me if I don’t attempt contact. If I call him and ask when he wants his clothes he can’t blame me for not having them can he? He admitted he had tried to call me, used someone else’s phone and had been to the flat, that made me feel better. I asked him if I should take his clothes to that girls work place, he snapped back ‘why should you?’ He said he wasn’t staying there, last time he admitted he was staying with his new girlfriend so I have no reason to doubt him. Or do I ?! To be honest it is unlikely, unless she really is a desperate needy slag. Alarm bells would certainly ring to me if he was suddenly needing to be there all the time, despite him telling her he lives at his grandmas oh and not to mention the lies he told her even about his name. Anyway who cares, even if she doesn’t know now she’ll work it out herself. 

I asked him if he was happy, he said ‘do I sound happy?!’ I asked him if he’s missed me and he said ‘yeh I have.’ I didn’t tell him I missed him, I wasn’t going to give him that satisfaction. I felt better after the call, and I feel good this morning. 

I felt a bit low when I got in from my dads last night. I told them how I got myself in a cycle where he was the one to make me feel so low and drill me into the ground but I relied on him to bring me back up again. I hate it when I miss him, because I only miss the small amounts of time it was good. I need to remember the times I felt sick when I didn’t know where he was, the anxiousness I would feel when I worry whether he’s going to show up or not. The anger I would get when his phone was off or he wouldn’t answer the calls. The disrespectfulness when he would tell me to get off his line, tell me I was a fucking dickhead, a fucking prick, a slag. He would scream at me how I wasn’t a real woman, how I made him sick to his bones, more recently how I was dead to him and how he could get any girl he wanted, where as I was old with two kids. When I was pregnant he would tell me he feels sorry for his daughter having a mother like me, how I’m constantly stressing out his daughter and I’m a mess. I could go on but it’s not necessary, this stuff is enough. 

He always manipulated everything so it was always some how my fault. We would plan a night out, a meal and some time together. He would cause an argument and tell me this was the reason he never wanted to be around me, how I was boring and I bring it all on my self. I feel sick when I look back at times when he clearly went off with that other girl and realistically god knows how many girls there has been. He’s an animal and he’s vile and I am proud in myself that I can finally see everything he has done to me was never my fault. I justified his actions so many times and I can honestly say even if he shows me change I will never ever get over what he’s done to me. Destroyed me, abused me and trampled all over me during a time when I needed a man. A real man. 

I am out tonight, he said he would show up today to get some clothes. I hope he doesn’t, the buzzer is still on private and I’ll try go out this afternoon. My gorgeous princess slept from 9:30pm – 6am and right now she’s happily sat in her chair talking to herself. I’m the real winner, I have so much love in my daughters and my whole life ahead of me. What the hell does he have?! 

I reckon I can go the whole of today with no tears and I really cannot wait to go out tonight. 

Posted in baby, breastfeeding, life, love, Newborn, Parenting, pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, sex, singlemum, Strength, Uncategorized, Women

With a new day comes new strength and new thoughts ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

Saturday morning and I woke up feeling sad. Baby just 3 weeks old and her daddy isn’t around. I felt like I just wanted to him home, I wanted him there to have family time in our bed. Enjoy our new baby together. I felt just shit. 

On Friday he told me he wanted to see her everyday and asked if midday was ok for Saturday. I had been invited for breakfast that morning and I wasn’t about to turn down company when the likelihood of Dominic sticking to a time is zero. I had to stick to my guns though and if he failed to show or wanted a different time then no , that’s not ok. His loss. Far too many times during my pregnancy he would dictate to me everything .. literally EVERYTHING! I also didn’t want to play it nasty either , just going out and not contacting him would give him the opportunity to say ‘well I came by’ and I’d be blamed. So I texted in the morning asking where he would like to meet at 12. At 12:45 he messaged asking if he could come later.. I explained I was busy later and we should do tomorrow. Sounds minor but that is a big step for me. I took back some control. He was kind in his reponses, I even got kisses and we have planned to meet today for lunch.

As the day went on I was feeling low again, just missing him, wanting to call him. I didn’t get it.. was he not missing me too?!! Mind again playing overdrive and just hating all of this.

Then the unthinkable happened at around 8pm ‘hey how as she been today?’, I was shocked. My friends were shocked, we had just been having a conversation about how men can go days without seeing their children and not think anything of it. I didn’t give too much away in my responses but he did message saying how he can’t wait to see us both. Whether he means it or not it helped that he said that, he clearly was thinking about us. 

I woke up at 3am, and then again at 6am for feeds and both times I have felt like I don’t want him. As much as I justify his actions, admit my mistakes and feel all this love for him … he literally has done the unthinkable! I remind myself of the times I didn’t know where he was and think ‘fucking prick he was with her,’ he watched me go through that traumatic labour and cried so much (through guilt apparently) yet still went back there after. Chose drugs and having sex over looking after me and his baby!! Easy option for such a weak man. Even when I questioned him he lied and was rude to me, like I was going insane. 

I have so much to say to him today. Him disappearing the day after I got out of hospital was disgusting! I couldn’t even get out of bed. Even if I had booked a prison visit and not turned up when he was inside would not compare to this. How could he possibly have done that to someone he supposedly loves and his brand new baby. That girl is just a sket too, as if I would want a man round who clearly hasn’t stepped up to being a father. She’s blinded obviously and thinks ‘oh he’d be different with me’, well wait until you get karma love because I will stand back and laugh!! Even since and you’ve found out he was still with me you’ve took him back. So congratulations on being a mess and a weak little girl. Right now I feel like she can have him. I don’t need to deal with his bullshit. I can meet someone who would NEVER treat me the way he has. Not even the cheating at the most disgusting time but the mental abuse, the vile words, the lack of respect, all of it. 

I REALLY don’t want him right now and that’s a good place to be at. The thought of having sex with him again makes me feel sick, he has a bloody lot of work to do for that. I hope he gets his help, but I need mine too. I’m showing him I’m strong yet crumbling inside. Just by taking back a tiny bit of control I’ve seen a different side to him ALREADY. The powers of reverse psychology ey ….. 

Posted in baby, breastfeeding, life, Newborn, Parenting, pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, singlemum, Uncategorized, Women

Acceptance … 

Posted on by KerryLouise

I don’t even know where to start .. but I need to get this down in my blog. Admitting what has gone on to the world is my next step in acceptance. Accepting he is never going to change, accepting he just isn’t the man I thought he was and accepting I am not getting that perfect family. I’ve wrote posts previously but kept it on a separate blog .. a blog that isn’t associated with me but now it is time.

Me and my new babies father met in December 2013, seems so long ago now yet in such a short space of time SO much has happened!! In may 2014 he was arrested and charged with drug charges , he spent what felt like forever on bail where the courts really proved they couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery! In August 2014 he was finally sentenced, and that was it he went off to prison for 16 months. My world crashed, I missed him so much , me and his mother describe the pain like as if he died. We were grieving, it was ridiculously hard. Visits were the highlight of my life and looking back they were actually lovely. Just kissing, laughing, joking and talking. All we longed for was to be able to start our life properly ! Endless amounts of letters and phone calls and we were so in love . After about 9 months my own thoughts got over me and I did meet someone else. I was building a resentment for Dominic, I was crazy lonely and I felt so bitter that his crime had put a stop on my life too. I feared we wouldn’t work out anyway and remembered his behaviour before he went and worried that he just would never change. My fling went on a couple of months and yes I got feelings but always knew it was Dom I really wanted. Little did I know my honesty would be be used against me for the last 10 months.

So yes I did a bad thing and I even had a small amount of doubt on who the babies father was, which is awful I know but I was completely honest and gave him the choice. However the honesty and the talking and him saying he forgave me would never last long.

From around March time he began his drinking, him staying out till 4/5/6 in the morning, not answering his phone at times. Began doing things that were risking his freedom and just being an absolute selfish animal.

I fell pregnant literally the week he came out of jail. He regained his freedom and I lost mine. He loved that, he loved the control he had. He often made comments that I did enough going out when he was locked up. The conversations we would have were like a broken record. I can only describe the last 10 months as HELL. Regular occurrences of him calling me a prick and a dickhead. I’ve slapped him, he’s hit me. Disappearing. Popping to the shop yet ending up in town and coming in at 5am smashed out of his head. Not answering his phone , or having no battery on his phone. I’d feel stressed about him holding down a job, (he’s got through a few) turning up on time , calling in sick and arguing with team managers. All this time carrying his baby!

Early on I never did worry about him getting with another girl. Yes he’d disappear but he’d always end up with me at the end of a night out. It was the illegal activity, the disgusting mental abuse and just leaving me on my own all the time that I had to deal with. He told me I deserved all this for not standing by him properly. How I broke his heart , so he was breaking mine. I’m actually finding it a lot more difficult to sum up these months than I thought. After each outburst I would beg him to leave me alone, telling him to just admit he couldn’t get over what I did and just let me move on with my life. But no … with every episode of disgusting and vile anger from him it was then followed with how much he loves me and how much he’s going to make it better. How he wants a proper family , and that he was going to be the man I wanted ! Famous last words 🙄

I would say at LEAST once a week I would deal with some kind of heartache, heartbreak and stress from his words and actions. I was crumbling daily and began to just start listening to what he had to say rather than react. This stopped the fights but it was still chipping away at my self esteem. This is a man who can call me a cheap slag and walk out a room, then because of no reaction he would come back and say sorry less than 5 minutes later. I judged this behaviour from a far and then came to the conclusion that he needs mental help. The cannabis smoking was making him mentally insane. Again trying to make sense and justifying this disgustingness.

As my due date got closer he got worse. I accepted he didn’t really fancy me and I had got out of him that something had happened with someone a couple of times. I accepted this as karma and with his sorrys I was going to move on with it. We were still having sex though so I never imagined it was that bad. All I’ve been wanting is my baby here, so sure it would change his ways. Now she’s 3 weeks old tomorrow and he’s actually been worse than ever. I’ve also found out that the girl who was just a couple of times has been many more and not only was he with her when I was heavily pregnant but also since I brought his baby into the world. He makes me sick! A night I couldn’t get out of bed due to the c-section , yes in a hormonal outburst I said ‘don’t come back’ but after 49 missed calls he bloody should have. Again I said if you have someone else GO!! I’m not stupid I know how it looks. He got angry screaming how he don’t need no pussy he’s making money and just other vulgar justifications for why he wasn’t with me when we both needed him!

Now I found all this out by snooping and approaching the girl. Sunday through to Wednesday of this week he was so convincing that he was sorry. His head was fucked it’s me he wants and she’s lying about how he had told them they were together! I am amazed at how this human can lie so convincingly to me yet has also clearly gone back to her and told her I’m lying and that we’re not together. I had thought we were both wiser than him but realistically she’s a 20 year old child. Despite us both saying he needs to get in a room with all 3 of us she has accepted his lies and deceit. The cheek of her has even said to me that she feels like he had cheated on her with me!! Sorry what?!? 😳 oh and also called me a slag and that I’m using my baby as a weapon. I can’t fight with imbulsils especially childish ones. Go ahead believe him but she best know that he won’t ever stop trying to tell me he wants me, nor will he be any different to her and actually be a decent boyfriend. We’ve been together nearly 3 years and despite all our SHIT there has been ALOT of love there so I’m not threatened in the slightest in thinking she’ll get everything I ever wanted from him. He’s incapable of being that person!

Early on this week as I said I was accepting his sorry. I was hurting so bad but I felt like I just needed him around me, listening to him grovel and try and plead and beg!! Then yesterday I was having her call me stressing me out and confusing me even more. Dom and I spoke and agreed that we needed to separate for a while. He was still adamant it was me he wanted and not her, why not be honest?! It makes no sense to me. I had to accept that if he’s not with me he’ll be with her, his promises mean nothing.

At 8pm on Wednesday night he called, he was shocked at my positive attitude and he told me he loved me, how he was off to work (he works nights) and would be with me at 6:15am after work. I knew different,  he thinks I believe he has work stuff in his locker and so didn’t need to come home .. but I let him believe he had fooled me! I didn’t care anymore , lose your job and it will just sum up everything you’ve done this whole year. Go spend night with her cos you don’t want to lose your ‘side chick’ .. I don’t care. She can have my sloppy seconds since we had sex just yesterday morning .. I’m done now!

It’s now gone midnight on Thursday night and obviously he hasn’t gone to work again! He may have attempted to come to my flat but he hasn’t called. His phone is probably still dead (since his charger is here) but I’m not calling him. I want him to stay as far away from me as possible. He’s going to need a change of clothes soon though, a bag out the window will have to be it.

Today he has shown me even his daughter or more promises will not make him stop being so selfish. Today is the first day he hasn’t seen her since she was born and he hasn’t even had the decency to call!! It highlights exactly the type of behaviour I’ve put up with since he came out of jail and I know I deserve better. My children deserve better and it’s about time I make sure that happens.

Health visitor visited today , my baby isn’t gaining weight. My breast milk isn’t as rich as it should be .. due to stress and not eating well. This has made me even more determined to fuck him off! He’s effecting our baby by treating me this way and he deserves absolutely no happiness from her at all. She is literally perfect and amazing and he’s already let her down countless times. 

Him being around me will go 1 of 2 ways he’ll charm me and get in my head or he’ll attack me for anything he sees fit. Most probably how I’m a bad mum and using our baby against him. He will not be getting in my flat .. he can fight me to see his baby and I cannot wait for the day he is genuinely crying and regretting every last single lie he’s told me and every time he laid a hand on me and every single vile word he has said to me!! I know he will, I know he’ll hate to see me move on and like I said I also know he won’t treat her any better than he did me. I can feel free!

For now yes I’m broken, devastated, hurt and gutted but I know I’m stronger than this. Stronger than him. I can move on knowing that he’s gone to her for the simple reason she’s believed his bullshit and I haven’t!! He can live with himself for the rest of his life for treating the mother of his child and his new baby this way and when he’s back in jail and has ALL that time to think he will realise and he will be the devastated one!!

I am a strong woman and I have 2 beautiful girls and I will be damned if they see anymore of this vile man. They will both look at me and be proud.

Super strong power mum! 😘

 

Posted in pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, Singlemum, Uncategorized

ONE WEEK TO GO!!!

Posted on by KerryLouise

I go from wanting her here like ASAP to being ok about there still being time left. I am getting the odd tightenings but nothing major still.

I went for breakfast this morning with two other pregnant women, we spoke about men and their dealings with pregnant women. On a whole yes they are rubbish, they don’t get it.. they continue their care free life of going out and getting drunk whilst us women have to be a mother as soon as we get that positive pregnancy test. It is hard work. I found my self almost blaming myself for not handling this right. Justifying all his actions, my screaming and shouting maybe made him behave the way he has. I found an old diary I had my made when I was pregnant with my first and it was pretty similar. I don’t do pregnant well and unless I want who doesn’t have a life then this is never going to work. There is a happy medium though right?

After last night I thought we had it sorted. We don’t. We really don’t. As he held me in his arms and asked if he could stay over the following night, telling me I have nothing to worry about, how he’s handled all this wrong and I’m going to see such a difference when the baby is here. He also told me he’ll cook for me and spend the afternoon together the following day. I told him ‘we’ll see’ to the staying over but agreed to being cooked for.

I knew his timing of midday was never going to materialise. I also assumed he was never going to cook for me. I called him at half 1 and was cool and cheery. Explained I would cook and asked if it was ok if he bought some grated cheese with him. He replied saying ‘probably not, I’ll just forget’ … I just laughed and said oh ok I’ll get it. At 10 to 6 I called to find out when he was coming and he answered saying babe let me call you back, again I bit my tongue and accepted it. 6:30 I called back as still no return call. He explained he would be with me at 8:30… again I was pleasant and didn’t react. Often I’ve reacted in the past and it does nothing other than get me so wound up I could burst. Well it’s now midnight and not so much of a text. When will I fucking learn??? I don’t even get angry anymore… I just feel hurt. Hurt and ashamed. So thankful this nightmare is almost over, I honestly don’t think he realises what he has done. He talks about all this love he has for me, but lets face it what bullshit. Complete and utter bullshit. You don’t treat someone you love like this. The only person he loves is himself.

This kind of thing has happened on a weekly basis. One would just assume he was cheating on me, he is so convincing when I ask him. I have no reason to doubt him since I know his lifestyle.

Please give me that strength to not say things like ‘I miss you’… because what the hell do I miss? …. I should not say ‘I love you too’…. he is not worthy of my love. He doesn’t deserve this child I am carrying and when he finally wakes up and realises this I hope his heart breaks just as much as mine has. He says I did that when he was inside, BUT this kind of behaviour went on long before he even went to prison. He’s been like this since day 1. Why the fuck did I ever stand by him??

You live and learn and at least I get another gorgeous little baby girl ❤

 

Posted in pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, Uncategorized

8 days to go!!

Posted on by KerryLouise

After my post last night I felt quite strong, I had laid it all out and felt positive I could get through it no matter the outcome. Then I wake up…. I try call him around 10am and no answer so instantly I feel shit again. I want to send him a message just going mad but I just need to realise that that doesn’t get me anywhere. I knew he’d be sleeping but it still gets to me as i’m thinking ‘what if I was in labour.’ My friend said I do need to chill, and I agree. When he finally got back to me about 12:30 you could tell he was expecting a reaction from me, but I didn’t give it… I was calm.

This evening we spoke abit before we went to the cinema, he’s assured me that all the wild crazy thoughts of what he gets up to is just that. Crazy and wild. My fear of him returning to prison has made me into someone he rather not be around and his thoughts of me with someone else has made him want to hurt me the way he felt hurt. It’s all been a mess.

Anyway obviously I understand that this can all be words. I’m under no illusion that he may still continue like this when she’s here but I have to just see what happens. My focus is and still will be me and my girls. Although I am gagging for a night out , a bit of party therapy may stop me from being so bitter about other people being able to drink haha.

Feet feel swollen tonight… having a few tightening’s and lower cramps but I’m not getting my hopes up. Still full of a cold, Doctor told me it would be cleared up by weekend. Well Doc ….. its still here!! MEH!!

I found my old Slimming World book today during some more nesting as they call it. Basically my waist when Courtney was 6 weeks old is the same size it is now at 39 weeks pregnant. I cannot believe how different this pregnancy has been. I’m excited for her to be here and for the weight loss challenge.

 

Posted in pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, Singlemum, Uncategorized

9 days to GOOO!!

Posted on by KerryLouise

It’s after midnight so i could technically say 8 even, although I’m pretty sure she won’t be coming early. With scan bringing me forward anyway by 4 days and well just my luck really to end up going over and have to be induced. 23rd September is my date for that joyous event, so any thing between now and then is just a waiting game.

I haven’t wrote in a good while. To be honest I feared this blog would turn into just one big moan and whinge about my relationship. It would highlight things that I really needed to do and I wasn’t quite ready. I even still don’t want to go in to everything because that isn’t why I started this blog but I need to get this down. We’ve been through a lot as a couple, a prison sentence being the main obstacle, then upon his release I got pregnant very quickly. It hasn’t been enjoyable at all and I am half the person I was this time last year. Well double in terms of weight of course.

I’ve given him the benefit of the doubt on numerous occasions, numerous being an understatement! Yet he’s persistently treated me badly with disappearing acts, being unreachable, going out for an hour and ending up a drunken mess at my door at 4/5/6am. His attitude has stank and more often than that he blames me for everything. Despite me being completely honest about a man I met during his prison sentence, and him even knowing before he came out he still told me he meant everything he said whilst inside. I was his world, he wanted to marry me and other things he promised. It didn’t last long, I’ve listened to how I don’t deserve to be treated well because of what I did to him and how I’m a slag basically. Unforgivable words if I’m completely honest and they still play on my mind now.

What has made this all the more difficult is that after every argument, every disappearing act, or times he has been mentally vile to me I get the real nice side. He’s sorry, he can’t lose me (I’ve begged for him to let me go) , he’s going to change, it won’t ever happen again…. and rather than us taking some time apart to start again within minutes he’s forgotten exactly what he’s done and said and we go back to the nice normal. Until the next episode that is… which is never long! Now I’m no angel, I don’t pretend to be… he says these things… I see red. I use words to hurt him back and it’s just been completely toxic. He’s just betrayed me so much, can’t hold a job down and I fear he will end up back in jail and that is something I put my complete faith into not doing when I stuck by him. I’ve supported him as much as physically possibly but he throws it back in my face.

I also hold my hands up I’ve been weak, he’s made me feel so low, SO SO low but due to the situation (mainly me being pregnant) when he’s making it up to me I have to embrace it to cling on to that happiness. The love is still insane, I’m sure anyone from the outside can tell me why put up with all that ? But when you love someone THIS much you cling on to every word and believe them and even at the times I HATE him … like hate him so much I just want to protect him and try and guide him. It’s a mess, I wish I hadn’t met him at times, I’ve often thought ‘what the hell have I done’ in terms of the pregnancy and I hate how he’s made me feel, but then on the other side he’s my best friend. He does have such a good heart and no one has ever made me feel as loved as he has. The extremes are too much.

It has made no sense why he would spend the hours talking to me, always getting to the ‘root’ of the problem for it to just happen again and before we know it were having the same chat again. I honestly believe him leaving me would have been easier. Yes hurt at first but this constant up then heartbreak, has broken me. Each time he does something it breaks my heart a little more. Since 2013 (when I’ve met him) during his arrest, court case, prison sentence and now this I could easily go the rest of my life without a single tear. I’ve cried enough!

Anyway more recently enough has been enough, we are apart. To be honest weekends feel no different as he barely spent any with me anyway, he’d tell me he would but then get ‘tied up’ and stumble in at stupid o clock often me being awake all night. Half expecting him to try tomorrow morning, he did last Saturday morning. Putting my buzzer on private doesn’t work, he just throws things at my window to either wake me up or get my attention. I then let him in like a weak fool!

I know many men can go crazy when girlfriends/wives get pregnant, we are also a massive exception to any rule since we’ve had no time to be ‘US’. He got his freedom back, I lost mine…. he’s taken full advantage that he knows I’m not going anywhere and I’m wondering if all this is even something I can forgive?!

His promises has now changed to when baby is here, I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt AGAIN. I will see how he is when she is here, if he continues like this he does not deserve a relationship with this baby. He will say I’m bitter and using her against him, I say it’s me protecting my daughter from a man who may or may not be in her life or it is as when he chooses. Babies don’t need part time dads who want to be out on road all the time, or partying all weekend, or even risking their freedom, they need stability, love and lots of involvement!

In terms of our relationship, this week he has been a bit colder. Hasn’t been his usual self in trying to ‘make it up to me’, he’s taken a step back but he still stands by that he wants me, he wants us to try. We haven’t spoke in great detail, but has made comments about how I’m crazy. Does he still fail to see that it’s been him? Treat me like this… I get crazy…. It’s not rocket science.

I go from wanting him so bad to thinking I just possibly couldn’t forgive him for all what has happened. Knowing his charm though I think as long as he does change and do as he says when she’s here then he’ll have me smitten again. I am ADAMANT in the fact that anymore of this fuckery then it’s over. I love him, but I love myself and my baby girls more. Only so many life lines you can give someone and it won’t be long until I’m back to the old confident me and it will be him who wakes up and realises what he has done. Maybe not in a few weeks but one day. Everyone who knows the situation (not many) but they all say the same…. including his mother. He won’t get better than me, and even if I do see him with someone else… I’ll know she’ll just be putting up with the same shit I did and honestly if he couldn’t be a better man for me and his daughter he won’t do it for anyone.

It’s so hard admitting you was wrong about someone, or even admitting that the man you were so in love with could possibly treat you like this during pregnancy. I’ve often felt ashamed, felt like maybe it was me, felt like an idiot for even getting pregnant by such a douche in the first place and seriously NO ONE has known how bad its been…. NO ONE!

What doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger and ok I didn’t plan my life to be single with two children by two different dads but that does not mean I can’t find happiness one day. Definitely put off men for a long long time though, and pregnancy well NO WAY! Just NO!! I’ll have my two girls, I have my independence and I have my career and life to focus on. I’m 30, it’s still young really. It’s going to be ok.

 

 

Posted in Uncategorized

Mehhh!

Posted on by KerryLouise

Feeling pretty miserable this evening. Hate that I can go from feeling positive, excited and super optimistic to feeling just down right fed up.

I’m feeling my sisters pain, I hate seeing her this way and all she is doing is blaming herself. Making comments regarding her postpartum stomach, how she feels so ugly and worthless. Comparing herself to me and how I always have had a pretty face and how I stand out and she gets lost in the crowd. I cannot stress enough to her that this is on HIS head, not hers. My confidence oozes from me, and that naturally makes someone more attractive, nothing to do with me ‘being better looking.’

As it turns out this girl who my brother in law was having an affair with was purely texting, probably skyping and being on the phone to. She lives in Florida, he had sent her gifts and I had read the conversations dating back to the 21st June. They didn’t make nice reading even for myself so I can only imagine how it made my sister feel. He had said how he couldn’t wait to touch her, wanted her for life and how she makes him so happy! She’s blaming herself for depriving him of sex but I know its deeper than that. He said himself its the debt hes in, he feels like a failure. We’ve all suspected for a while that he’s depressed and I do believe he used this as an escapism. I am not sticking up for him in any way, shape or form but I refuse to believe he did this for a quick wank here and there.

I feel sad that my sister is hurting. I feel sad that this may, most probably be the end of their relationship and my niece will have separated parents. I always liked him, he was hard work at times and his political views were somewhat interesting but I felt like he looked after my sister well and that’s what was important.

Today I also got a mark back for a piece of coursework I did a couple of months ago. I haven’t yet mentioned in this blog about my studies. I have recently completed a Graduate Diploma in Law. I found this 2nd year soooo much harder than last and unfortunately I can only blame one person for that! Dominic! The stress he has caused me left me no option but to be completely unfocused on anything other than him and I can’t help but feel pretty disappointed with myself for letting him get to me that much. I did get an extension on this piece but that didn’t exactly help me since all my friends were discussing it when I was completely shut off from anything uni related. Many will still praise my efforts since I was pregnant and still studying but still, it did get to me today when the majority of the others were celebrating really high marks. I am pleased for them though of course, their head was in it…. mine just was not!

I wonder what it is like to be in a complete happy relationship. Does it even actually exist? I’m doubting it to be honest and I’d only probably go and get bored if everything was all roses and lovely!