Category: exercise

Posted in baby, Diet, DomesticAbuse, exercise, Heartbreak, Journey, Recovering from abuse, relationship, Singlemum, weightloss

“Lovebombing”

Posted on by KerryLouise

There was a post from a lady on one of the domestic abuse groups I’m in. I could so relate “I’ve told him it’s over, but he’s in prison and he’s ringing me telling me he loves me and he will change.” Been there done that! The way the do it is soooo convincing. Every bloody time I genuinely thought well this time is different because of this this and that. It’s crazy insane when I look back.

Throughout my relationship with my babies father I was so confused as to why he made out so badly that he loved me. Couldn’t let me go. After every vile row, every promise he broke, every time he disappeared and every time he cheated. Even the last time I saw him at court! He acted so sincere, so desperate, so scared, so so in love, he seemed angry with himself and he made me feel incredibly loved. Everyone on the post was saying “he’s love bombing you” and the descriptions of lovebombing repeated throughout.

It’s a manipulation tactic to make you feel charmed, loved and a way to reel you back in. It’s their way to hook you. When they lovebomb it’s virtually impossible to not get sucked back in. It was like a drug. I always described it as an alcoholic having a bottle of vodka screaming saying ‘drink me’, it was like far too easy to get sucked back. My head would be screaming no but my body doing differently.

I genuinely believed him. More recently when he was in my presence I loved him, believed him, (apart from when he was shouting at me) but my head would be screaming ‘no he’s lying’, ‘he’s done this before’ but I was given no choice. All four women I outed him on, even before me finding out and he would swear. He would be so convincing, he would lovebomb me to the point where I would question my own integrity, my own sanity and have no choice but to just ‘go with it’ then as soon as he left again, I hated him. I didn’t believe him. I didn’t trust him AT ALL. This time round he seemed even more bothered that I didn’t believe him, so of course that sent my mind in overdrive some more. When all the time he was lying, lying so well and so coldly. A narcissist never feels guilty about his lies but only turns them back round on you. “Bet you’re happy now you can open your dirty legs to the men in your phone” and “what did you expect” and oh his favourite “all I know is if you hadn’t of wronged me when you was in jail I would have given you my world.”

I went on a long walk today and still so many vivid scenarios in my head. The lovebombing, then the lies being revealed, they go over and over. I get angry, I feel pure anger. It’s awful. I still wonder what he’s thinking and what’s going through his head. I’m sure he doesn’t feel bad for how he’s treated me, or how he’s destroyed every bone in my body, no course not. Asshole.

Anyway aside from my long walk and the bad feelings, I’ve had a good day. I got my nails done, bought some new items and chilled with friends in the evening. My daily glads!

I’m glad my nails look so nice with the heat colour changing nail polish.

I’m glad my Timberlands were £122 from £175

I’m glad I chose my daughter some trainers and they were also reduced when I paid for them

I’m glad my eldest daughter now has a phone after a bad person stole hers

Posted in alone, baby, Challenge, DomesticAbuse, exercise, Fitness, Girltalk, Heart, Heartbreak, Holiday, Journey, Marathon, Recovering from abuse, relationships, Singlemum, Strength, training

Oops I did it again …

Posted on by KerryLouise

…. I signed up to the half marathon in September! This time no one can get in the way of my training. It did actually pop into my head earlier about how unreliable he was.

“Baby I got you, were a team, you are my world. 100% I will be there in the morning so you can go gym. I promise you. On my life. Fully supporting you. Have faith in me man’ , morning came no sign of him. ‘yeh so what, I overslept, I can’t help it when I do the job I do my body just shuts down. I didn’t ask it too. It’s hard work you know.’ Suddenly his promise from the night before does not hold for anything, he turns aggressive and angry that anyone would dare question why he has gone back on his promise. This damages his ego, he is no longer the person he was making out to be the night before! This is a form of abuse, it’s power play, he gets someone fully reliant on him and then has no regard for that person. This complete lack of respect and control made me feel so damaged. He is an asshole. He is an abuser.

Good! Right! Needed to remind myself of them after I had just seen pics of our baby with him on our holiday. Although he was an asshole there too. I’m so tired though so will talk about that tomorrow.

So yes! Half a marathon!! It’s on. I did day 2 of the training programme app and actually hit 16,000 steps on my fit bit for the first time in months!!

I aim for a big walk tomorrow.

Watch this space

Xx

Posted in Diet, DomesticAbuse, exercise, Fitness, Girltalk, Heart, Heartbreak, Journey, life, Lonely, love, Recovering from abuse, relationships, Singlemum, weightloss, Women

What ifs ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

Once again I fell asleep in the evening and have woke up feeling meh. I’ve been awake an hour and I’ve just been feeling really negative. So I need to switch that up! The negatives is of course him, and also the thinking of ‘what ifs’. I would never ever wish my daughter away, I literally cannot even describe my love for the 2 baby girls I have sleeping in the room next to me. BUT when you’ve been all through I have it’s hard to not think about how different things could have been. These two do make it all worth it though.

He was literally so disgusting to me pregnant, so so vile. The asshole took all my beautiful experience away from me because he was wrapped up in his own fuckery. I hate him for that. I doubt I will have anymore children and he ruined it! I never ever ever want to be that vulnerable again, that person again. I look back and see me pregnant, see me holding my new baby and I can feel the pain I was feeling. I can still feel it all. How fucking dare he make me feel like that. When I think like that I wish nothing more than him to just disappear forever. I never want to ever see his disgusting self again. EVER!

However my promise to myself in 2018 was to do my “daily glads” especially if I am feeling low….

I am glad for what he put me through as I won’t ever stand for ANYTHING like it ever again.

I am glad that I have my beautiful charming sweet funny baby girl and her amazing kind big sister

I am glad I got to the gym today and operation “be the best version of me” is on

I am glad I got to speak to M even though his battery died, he listens to all my feelings and in fact encourages me to speak

I am glad for POF 😂 – I met M on there and also a new guy I have been speaking too.

I am glad for my job, which with only 2 days in I have hit half my target for the month.

I am glad for the extension uni gave me for my assignments

I am glad for being me- no really I am!

The new guy I have been talking too is a personal trainer, he told me I am very critical of myself but also understands why that is. However I did tell him that I was the same before I met my ex, he believes he can help change that. He tells me I am stunning, he even watched my Facebook live video (and I looked hideous ha). I am quite interested in where this one is going to go, however I must not read too much into anything. I have learnt you can’t trust anyone however I shouldn’t shut people out or write them off as liars and narcissists just yet. He knows what I have been through so that makes a difference, I think. I hope! I’ve been speaking to a woman who has had a very similar experience as me and she said the new guy she is seeing is very supportive so there is hope.

I took photos today of myself. I want my toned self back 💪🏼

Posted in alone, DomesticAbuse, exercise, Fitness, Recovering from abuse, Singlemum, Strength, Weight, weightloss, Women

Back to reality!

Posted on by KerryLouise

Omg it hurt. It was dark when I woke, and I felt so tired all day. I have won at no caffeine ✅ but my steps are low – less than 5,000 ! Bad! I need to get back to loving the gym. It’s hard when it’s so dark, and so so cold.

I have not eaten any complex carbs either, for the second day but I need to be stricter. I stepped on the scales. 9 bloody pounds! Gross! I have to get focused and look like 2015 me! Although my dude from Saturday night told me he thinks I look better now, more meat apparently. But oh well, I don’t like it. Saying that, and being shocked at 9lbs, I don’t feel that huge and my pics from New Year’s Eve I’ve been told I looked hot soooo it could be worse.

I want my fitness back. Summer 2018 I will feel amazing! 👌🏼

I wanted to talk today about the stigma that is attached to single mums and also when women are judged for using their ‘child as a weapon.’ Someone shared an article today, this individual is a man who is very pro ‘men should see their children,’ his experience has prompted his business to help others. Which is great but sometimes there is a good reason children do not see their fathers and it certainly isn’t because the mother is being an asshole. I saw that exact comment

‘I hate my ex but I’m not an asshole, children are people not possessions to withhold and play with.’ I did write a comment but deleted it, it isn’t worth the confrontation.

I have had a disagreement with this man before over the same thing so he knows my views. I also read how difficult the courts are on men, funny how another group I’m in is highlighting how bad the courts are in supporting men who have been a perpetrator of domestic violence. If only life was so black and white.

I will hold my hands up I encourage my ex to seek legal advice for contact (on recommendations of social services), I would love nothing more than to him to just leave us alone. I have considered a contact centre but with provisions which he can’t stick too.

A father is important yes but an article stating that single parent families children are more likely to end up in prison, pregnant early, low IQ and some other crap is a load of shit. Well with my daughters father in her life she’ll be more damaged than without. He abuses me in front of her, makes promises to her he already can’t keep, carries drugs and weapons, he’s unstable and not well, so tell me what benefit would he be for my beautiful daughter. Also let’s not forget, the chances he’s had to be in her life but chose to cheat, not come home when he said he would and deal drugs. His 2 week paternity leave was a joke! He was barely here and I was recovering from a c-section! What a complete fucking arsehole, I hate him!

It was hard leaving my baby today. She got so used to being with mummy at home she cried hard and put her arms out to come with me. It brought a tear to my eyes. Being a working mum has its challenges. I love and look forward to picking her up each day, and I used to just never understand how her dad could go as long as he did without seeing her even though he COULD! He chose to do those things I mentioned rather than be a family.

He won’t be kicking himself though because narcissists never reflect. They are incapable of looking back over what they have done wrong. They live for the now, and blame everyone else and that’s difficult for someone like me to accept.

All I want is a real sorry, a genuine sorry and him to admit what HE’S done!

Posted in cheat, court, Deceit, Detox, Diet, exercise, Fitness, Heart, Heartbreak, Lonely, love, police, prison, prisonwives, relationship, relationships, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum, Strength, Weight, weightloss, Women

I was desperate

Posted on by KerryLouise

So many emotions , so little calories consumed and many tears. He did come home after day 6, denying he was at the girls house. He came in at 2am, I stuck to my word and did not succumb to his sorrys and pleas. I would not fall for it again and have sex with him, knowing how I would feel less than 2 hours later. Need some self respect. I’m not saying nothing happened, he was touching me and kissing me but I would not let him get what he wanted. This didn’t bode well, the vileness started, and it’s crazy but sitting here and I feel so numb and tired to things he was saying I can’t even remember! He definitely blamed me for keeping my eldest daughter off school as she was sick, telling me I’m not thinking about baby. Told me I was a joke for having coconut oil but never using it on my baby. Said how he was on to my friend and so I should watch myself when I’m in town and moving on to any man. Picking at me for not being the real loyal true woman he needed.

Then it changed, laughing and joking how he needs me, how my sex is the best he’s ever had. That no way will he allow anyone else to have me. Promised he wasn’t at her house till 2am, he came home to me because he wants me. I’m smarter though, he knew about the text I had sent her, told me I was embarrassing. Asking me what was wrong with me. I then see another new text on his phone from her and it made it even clearer. She believed him over me AGAIN. I REFUSE to be caught up with another love triangle , my mindset changed completely. I wanted this over, this all ended. I needed peace and quiet not his awful attitude lies and constant circle I’ve experienced for the past YEAR!! My phone had disappeared and I just knew he had it. My only hope right now , as he just wasn’t leaving but constantly in my face poking my head and not leaving me alone, was to use Facebook to message my sisters to call the police. I meant it this time … GAME OVER!

Police came and I broke down to the nice female officer. I showed her a huge bruise on my knee and it was enough to have him arrested for assault. At least I knew he’d be locked for a few hours with only his own thoughts. Let him be the one unable to get hold of me for a change! Let him just lay there not being able to talk to anyone because that’s how I’ve been for so long! Kept so much to myself trying to protect him.

He came to me at 3am this morning. Foolishly let him in in the hope he’d give me my phone back. He didn’t and it was oh so easy to not fall for his charm, the nastiness outweighed the charm this time.

Went from telling me he’s addicted to me and can’t lose me to him pushing me in my mouth so I hit my head on the radiator. Then he would say sorry and how he promises to change and would stop dealing just to keep me, my response that it was too late turned him sour again. Told me that it was me preventing him from moving on because I was messaging people ‘fucking up his shit.’ Sorry but I’m pretty sure you can’t move on whilst your still sleeping with me and you have a new girlfriend who thinks your name is Donovan and you leave hers to go ‘do a shot’ and don’t go back to her to just then come to me! He’s a mental character and it is now definitely the end of our road!

He left without telling me where my phone was. He enjoyed keep telling me different places and knowing full well it wasn’t there and would just watch me scramble to wherever he said. Just a bully!

I got it out of him today and luckily I have my phone back. This evening I’ve had his mum pleading that I drop the charges. Trying to say it’s both of us, we are both to blame and we are not being mature. I replied with anger, NO WAY will I continue to sugar coat this and pretend it’s normal. I will not take blame for this anymore nor will I feel bad if he ends up back in jail! I’ve been in jail this past year, my heart has been locked, he has had his control and now it’s time for my release date.

10th January 2017 … my new life starts now!

Posted in alone, baby, cheat, Company, Deceit, Detox, exercise, Fitness, Heart, Heartbreak, Ibiza, Journey, life, Lonely, love, Mistakes, mother, Parenting, relationship, relationships, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum, Strength, Uncategorized, Weigh, Weight, weightloss, Women

Day 5

Posted on by KerryLouise

Woke up at my friends house and felt quite strong. I think it surprised her and we spoke about it. I agreed that him not having anyone made it easier but equally I’ve learnt from the last time! 

I went home about midday and I was greeted by the vile character again. Moaning how I had woke him up! Ummm excuse me ? Your lucky you had a bed to sleep in! He began by saying I did push him, shifting the blame AGAIN! Saying some of the words I had said stuck in his head, reminded me of the day we had an argument and he was eating in the cafe she worked in. That’s the day he got her number. That made me sick !! 

I kept asking why so cold? Why so calculated and pre-meditated? Not even trying to cover it up by disappearing completely on me. Like one night he text me at 3am saying ‘baby I’m coming now I only love and want you’ … and never came!! What makes someone click like that?? He doesn’t know! He told me it hadn’t registered yet .. that we were over. Hasn’t hit him. He tried to have sex with me, he was close but I stayed strong. 

My sister wanted to call him last night. She came over for some wine, she helped me a lot. Just the company and the laughs. His phone was off , she then text her … not sure yet if she got a response. I laid awake a lot assuming she’s let him back in. She seemed very sure when she spoke to me, laughing at him in fact, apologising to me. But hey I know how good he is with his words.. ‘this is what I needed to get away’, ‘I’ll prove it to you’ , ‘let me just stay until I get somewhere,’ who knows what he’s said. God his words make me sick. Fake fraudulent person! 

Even if she has had him back, I won’t be fighting for his attention this time. I’ll just be glad that someone else has to put up with his bullshit. His coming and going as he pleases. His lack of support financially. His boyish behaviour!! She can deal with it all… she can fight for his attention because let’s face it. He won’t leave me alone, he never will. 

I’m actually excited. My baby isn’t just 2 weeks old this time. She’s nearly 4 months. I can have a social life and I am going too. I’m going to go to Ibiza this year again, to which he said ‘no fucking way.’ I’m going to date and meet people ! I’m buzzing! We have our holiday booked, told him we would still go. If he doesn’t pay though, I won’t and I’ll see if a friend will come instead. His fucking loss!! 

Under my calorie goal again, although once again drank wine. 

Life will be good! 

Posted in Deceit, Detox, Diet, exercise, Fitness, Girltalk, Heart, Heartbreak, Journey, life, Lonely, love, Mistakes, mother, pregnancy, relationship, relationships, Weigh, Weight, weightloss, Women

Day 4

Posted on by KerryLouise

The first day I went over on my calories… I still ate less than 1500 but my exercise wasn’t great and so I didn’t have enough in the bank.

I am already feeling slimmer though so this is fabulous! 

Ex came to see me today, oh how sorry he is, how he can’t lose me, on his hands and knees, begging for my help as he doesn’t know what’s wrong with him. I’ve offered my help before, he betrayed me again .. he’s insane! I’ve been pretty strong. It does help knowing he has no one. No one real anyway. I think last time it hurt because I feared he had genuine feelings for that girl, this time I’ve realised he won’t ever treat anyone right so why should I fear? I see him with my daughter that’s what makes me weak, I feel his touch, weak again! He got crazy earlier knowing I downloaded dating apps again. This time I have every intention of meeting someone new. I need that, I need some attention, to feel worthy again. If I don’t find someone then so be it but how can I go on like this? Do what ? Take him back again because I want the perfect family ? No fucking chance. This time I mean it. Last time I knew I would fight for him back, again I admit it was harder because the stupid tramp believed him and he had her to run too but I can honestly say all the hate I have built up for him this past year is ready to cut him off …. or up … whichever! 

I’m not going to be bitter, that eats women up. It will continue to bring too much negativity in my life. I’m a positive person and I need her back. I will be his friend but I will not be his lover. 

Posted in cheat, Deceit, Diet, exercise, Heart, Heartbreak, life, Lonely, love, mother, relationship, relationships, sex, Weigh, Weight, weightloss, Women

Day 3

Posted on by KerryLouise

I was a bit drunk to write this before I went to bed. I skipped dinner and went for the wine instead. 852 calories consumed in total and 7,151 steps. Amazing what stress and anxiety has done for my diet! 


So my gut was correct. The last 2 weeks he was cheating on me again!! The man, sorry boy is an absolute joke of a human being. He thinks I’d fall for it all again, no f’ing way. I suspected it these 2 weeks and he told me I was going crazy, told me I was paranoid. How he understood that trust takes a while!! But I was right!! I was so right and you know what … that feels good! 

I spoke to the girl, she’s 20, luckily she has no emotional attachment to him and so she doesn’t want to know. She apologised for not talking to me before and I apologised for calling her the names I did but she understood why. He lied and told her our baby was 1 ! Told her he was living at his grandmas… the same old shit. Told me the same bullshit stories as to why he wasn’t coming back and I just knew !! He hasn’t even gave it a proper chance … straight back into another girls bed. Just shows how little feelings he had for that last one too. 

He began by trying to deny it to me and then I hear ‘I’ve fucked up can we talk.’ No fucking way!! He also said ‘don’t be gassed we both know what’s going to happen.’ He literally believes I would take him back again! Hahaha no chance in hell. 

Anyway yes I’ve cried, yes I’m gutted but to be honest I needed it. He’s wotless , doesn’t have a hope in hell in succeeding and the sooner he’s back inside the better! 

I do not need him at all!! 

Posted in alone, cheat, Deceit, Detox, Diet, exercise, Fitness, Heart, Heartbreak, Journey, life, Lonely, love, Mistakes, Parenting, relationship, relationships

Day 2

Posted on by KerryLouise

Successful day on plan. Amazed that I got on the scales for the first time since before my birthday and I had actually lost a pound. Not going to lie that helped greatly with my mood. 

Calories I consumed today was 1540 which is still under target according to my Fitbit. Exercise needs to be upped though and I need my body to start taking shape. I will show him! 

He was pretty loving today until I saw a girl call his phone who I don’t want calling his phone!! I don’t trust him and my gut doesn’t. A week ago she text him with xxx, now I understand men have female friends just as female friends have male ones BUT he’s broke my trust and he’s broke me in the sense that I just assume it’s all bad. I remind him of the boy who cried wolf! I am no longer afraid to find out the truth and when I saw the xxx I tried to call her , she ignored me. Tonight I text her again, she ignored me. He just tells me that he could never lose me again, why would he bother, he’s so proud to have me blah blah blah !! Well I’m thinking of ways to catch him out so he can no longer tell me I’m weird and it’s all in my head. I have my plan!! 

I will be the winner! 😉

I’m a winner anyway with this amazing little girl!

Posted in baby, Diet, exercise, Fitness, Heart, Heartbreak, life, Lonely, Parenting, relationship, relationships, Weight, weightloss

Day 1

Posted on by KerryLouise

Not blogged in a while, but that doesn’t mean nothing has happened. I’ve had many more failed diet attempts and quite a few more rows in my relationship. Today life has gone semi back to normal after the Christmas and New Year hype and it’s about time I combatted this weight properly and for good! 

I need the old me back! Yes the Mr is a crazy irractic arse but my insecurities do not help! 


Dec 2015 compared to Dec 2016 – What a difference! 

I will weigh myself tomorrow and this time I will stick with it! I just have too.

Crazy behaviour from other half occurred earlier when I wanted to go to the shop. He commented how I need to take the children as he’s going out, then said don’t take out baby as she has a cold. So once I questioned what he expected me to do,he did realise his stupidity but the attitude is just insane. He also got mad when a bottle he was using was leaking, he didn’t enjoy me explaining which head went on each bottle but I managed to not rise to his irrational behaviour and we got through the day without any real arguments. 

Sadly I believe once I get back my confidence I will find the strength to leave and to leave properly. Certainly not due to lack of love but how Jekyll and Hyde he is. Oh and let’s not forget what he actually did to me when pregnant 😢

Calories consumed: 1285                        Steps: 4370                                                           Mood: Fair but motivated