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Fighting with the impossible…

Posted on by KerryLouise

Few weeks have past by and I am honestly feeling stronger and can at times see myself with someone else. Losing weight and getting my self confidence back is definitely helping with this process and I can see now more than ever how this abusive man took advantage of my pregnancy and being vulnerable.

He still at times is making all the right noise but the abusive side still shows its ugly head when a conversation isn’t quite going his way. We argue mainly at the moment about money, money he owes me and money he isn’t giving to provide for his daughter. It is still very exhausting when I am explaining to him the situation we now both face with social services. I explain it to him like I would a 10 year old yet still I find myself having to explain once again when he hasn’t done as he has said. The abuse begins when he tells me how I have caused all this, I could have stopped social services from being involved and as usual I was never fully committed to him. I simply encourage him to google it! Google domestic abuse and the impacts it has on children and also that social services are not on my side they are simply there for the children. He seems to think it’s just a man bashing situation and the social worker will beat him down verbally. Basically admitting he has been in the wrong and he is a coward.  Not seeing him does help. I do miss him I cannot lie and say  I don’t but I must admit I enjoy the evenings to myself. No stress about what time he is coming in, no bickering because I haven’t done something quite right and I can just simply do everything my own way. Earlier today he threw the ‘she has other family too you know not just your side’… again not taking responsibility for the fact his own actions have stopped his family being so involved and lets not forget that even when we were not forced to stay away from each other he failed to organise all these family trips for his daughter. Of course though the night he first got arrested he dwells upon… ‘you got my arrested on my grans birthday and YOU upset a 84 year old woman as she was expecting to see her great grandchild.’ Of course…. all my fault as everything is … and I know him and I know its very likely it would never of materialised anyway!!

I have been a lot calmer these few weeks as I have said but there has been a couple of relapses where he’s promised some money and then not answered his phone. My abusive side comes in then, I’m only texting the truth and I try so hard to not ring and ring but it’s become so second nature that I want him to know exactly how he makes me feel and how he has made me feel for a very long time now.

The healing process continues xx

 

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Day 6

Posted on by KerryLouise

Today we shall call a relapse. Today we shall ignore. For an intelligent girl I ain’t half a bit fucking thick sometimes. 

Of course he’s been back there. A few things he said today played on my mind this evening. Why the hell did I even call him this morning, and more importantly why the hell did I have sex with him!? The sex is good though … ffs. What I need to do is … find someone else to occupy and stimulate my mind. Use him from time to time to fuck up his shit and just look super fucking hot all the time. 

He isn’t sorry, this literally is like deja vu. Telling me one thing, no doubt telling her what she wants to hear too. Tonight he was all saying gonna come see you .. I sensed he wouldn’t but it just makes no fucking sense. He promised, said how he’s crazy about me, wants me back but yet he then ghosts on me yet a fucking gain!! He answered my sisters phone though, a number he doesn’t recognise but not mine!! Then he does … and says oh and I really want to be with someone like this! Loves to make out like it’s my fault again. 

Sent her a long message too. But when I went to block her, the little cunt had already done it. So he’s probably blocked me on her phone too. You know what I’m no longer hurt, I had moments earlier but I now just think what the actual fuck is his problem and I am ready to destroy him. No amounts of ‘you are the strongest white woman I know’ whilst wrapping his arms around me will make me feel for him again. ‘Look at me’ he says, then tells me ‘maybe I need to properly lose you to make me realise’, oh give over. You’re a cunt, a waste of space and like I told this new one she’ll find out very soon for herself. A free ride he wants, he’ll move himself in after 2 weeks of knowing her and like I said yesterday he can deal with the absolute rubbish he throws at people on a daily basis! Booyah! 

To be honest my plan was to not kick off and just disappear if he didn’t show but I couldn’t help myself. It was fun! 


Ate a bit more than I should today, but day 7 tomorrow. Detox from him day 1 ready to commence, dying my hair and that means business! I may even add to my tattoo this week. Out at the weekend and just have FUN! 

Posted in alone, baby, cheat, Company, Deceit, Detox, exercise, Fitness, Heart, Heartbreak, Ibiza, Journey, life, Lonely, love, Mistakes, mother, Parenting, relationship, relationships, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum, Strength, Uncategorized, Weigh, Weight, weightloss, Women

Day 5

Posted on by KerryLouise

Woke up at my friends house and felt quite strong. I think it surprised her and we spoke about it. I agreed that him not having anyone made it easier but equally I’ve learnt from the last time! 

I went home about midday and I was greeted by the vile character again. Moaning how I had woke him up! Ummm excuse me ? Your lucky you had a bed to sleep in! He began by saying I did push him, shifting the blame AGAIN! Saying some of the words I had said stuck in his head, reminded me of the day we had an argument and he was eating in the cafe she worked in. That’s the day he got her number. That made me sick !! 

I kept asking why so cold? Why so calculated and pre-meditated? Not even trying to cover it up by disappearing completely on me. Like one night he text me at 3am saying ‘baby I’m coming now I only love and want you’ … and never came!! What makes someone click like that?? He doesn’t know! He told me it hadn’t registered yet .. that we were over. Hasn’t hit him. He tried to have sex with me, he was close but I stayed strong. 

My sister wanted to call him last night. She came over for some wine, she helped me a lot. Just the company and the laughs. His phone was off , she then text her … not sure yet if she got a response. I laid awake a lot assuming she’s let him back in. She seemed very sure when she spoke to me, laughing at him in fact, apologising to me. But hey I know how good he is with his words.. ‘this is what I needed to get away’, ‘I’ll prove it to you’ , ‘let me just stay until I get somewhere,’ who knows what he’s said. God his words make me sick. Fake fraudulent person! 

Even if she has had him back, I won’t be fighting for his attention this time. I’ll just be glad that someone else has to put up with his bullshit. His coming and going as he pleases. His lack of support financially. His boyish behaviour!! She can deal with it all… she can fight for his attention because let’s face it. He won’t leave me alone, he never will. 

I’m actually excited. My baby isn’t just 2 weeks old this time. She’s nearly 4 months. I can have a social life and I am going too. I’m going to go to Ibiza this year again, to which he said ‘no fucking way.’ I’m going to date and meet people ! I’m buzzing! We have our holiday booked, told him we would still go. If he doesn’t pay though, I won’t and I’ll see if a friend will come instead. His fucking loss!! 

Under my calorie goal again, although once again drank wine. 

Life will be good! 

Posted in alone, baby, Detox, Diet, exercise, Fitness, Heartbreak, life, Lonely, Mistakes, mother, Newborn, Parenting, pregnancy, pregnant, relationship, Uncategorized, Weight, weightloss, Women

Diet time! 

Posted on by KerryLouise

I I really need my confidence back, I need my body back. This picture shows how much confidence I did have. I did well for a week and then I kind of went off plan. I’m about to go serious now though .. 

20 days until my birthday and my first proper night out! If I haven’t lost a stone I won’t be happy! 

Thursday night we saw Dom, he was actually on time but acting off and cold. That act drives me mad. He accused me of taking his phone. I ain’t interested in his phone .. then he gets mad when I get mad regarding the accusations. He then goes off on one saying ‘I don’t want her and right now I don’t want you’ .. I break him down before he goes though. He cries before he leaves and he jokes about how I’m not allowed to talk to anyone or date anyone 🙄

Friday we had a really great day. I made the effort to not mention ‘us’ , I was so annoyed with myself the night before for doing so. He bought it up first saying how much he loves us both, how he doesn’t want anyone else. It was flirty, it was fun. This is the Dominic that makes me insanely happy. 

Since then we haven’t argued but he has been too busy to see us. I haven’t reacted YET but it has reminded me of his lifestyle and how even without the cheating thing he wound me up and hurt me. All this stuff that was meant to stop when baby was here clearly hasn’t and is not about too. This stuff wasn’t about ‘revenge’ this is just him! If he was still living with me it wouldn’t be as bad but he needs to watch it because yes I love him but showing me this side still won’t keep me wanting him. Why do we always want men who keep us on our toes ? If it was easy I would get bored .. guaranteed! What a mess! 

Anyway .. today is Sunday. Weird day to start a diet but another day off plan could put more weight on! I have meal replacements and I know this works! It works so well, done it many times before! 

On this 💪🏼

Posted in baby, Challenge, Cleanse, Detox, Diet, Fitness, Uncategorized, Weigh, Weight, weightloss

I’ve been so rubbish ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

Diet!! Meh !!! 

Food!! Meh !!!

Still chunky !!!!!! Meh!! 

My last post I promised 40 days well yeh that didn’t happen! I then put on instagram 21 days (till a night out) and that hasn’t happened. So now I’m nearly day 1 down of it actually happening .. 

No Junk Food, No Wheat, No Sugar ! No gluten free substitutes either!

I really do need to crack on with this now or come January 1st I’m going to find myself looking worse than I did a month ago! 

I’m taking my start weight as 14 stone 2, 2 stone heavier than my pre pregnancy weight. OH is getting tired of hearing me say ‘diet starts tomorrow’ and to be honest SO AM I! 

Things are good in my relationship but I know with me feeling better about myself it could still be better. I’m still feeling vulnerable, my mind still works overtime at times and although he still calls me beautiful and our sex life is good I know deep down he would love to see me comfortable in my own skin again! 

I cannot believe my baby is 11 weeks today and wow what an 11 weeks! She also slept from 9:30pm – 8am last night , such a good little girl ! 

Posted in baby, Challenge, Cleanse, Detox, Diet, exercise, Fitness, Journey, love, Mistakes, relationship, relationships, Uncategorized, Weight, weightloss

Day 1/40

Posted on by KerryLouise

So there’s 40 days left of this year and after doing so well with my diet I then went way off the rails over my birthday weekend. My weight loss stood at 2 stone 3 lbs, weighing in at 14 stone 2. Exactly 2 stone heavier than I was this time last year. I’m not weighing myself now until Christmas Eve!! 

I haven’t updated my blog in a while and I do need to fill in the gaps. All that needs to be said now is .. my man is back home. He’s back to being amazing, and loving. The man I know he can be. I see him with our daughter and my heart bursts with love. I actually don’t know how I got through 4 weeks of knowing he was with someone else!! Crazy!! 

I’m feeling crappy today. My first period in 11 months is proving to be hellish and I’m feeling a little run down. I would love to just eat rubbish but it’s just a vicious circle. Dominic is out playing pool and knowing I’m feeling crappy he text me saying ‘hope you’re feeling ok’, crazy to think that 5 weeks ago he didn’t seem to even think about me. Although he has later admitted that was never the case.

Baby Ariana is gorgeous! Trying tonight to get her into more of a routine since I’m not breastfeeding as much anymore. I can hear her talking to herself in her crib but she’s there and she’s been there since 8:30pm. Hoping to have mastered that by New Year and also my 8 year old ! Far too many late nights for her! 

Breakfast: Granola and milk (was meant to use almond milk but was in auto pilot)

Lunch: chicken drumsticks

Dinner: rice and lamb curry leftover from what Dom made last night 

Snacks: Banana, apple, cereal bar, olives

Drinks: Detox tea (must drink more water) 

Exercise: None

Cigarettes: 2!!! (Bad) 

Posted in alone, baby, cheat, Deceit, Heart, Heartbreak, life, Lonely, love, Mistakes, relationship, relationships, sex, Singlemum, Strength, Uncategorized

Finally I’ve done it. I’ve made the cut off!

Posted on by KerryLouise

Finally I’ve done it. I’ve made the cut off. I have to be honest I still hope for a life with him. What is wrong with me? But yes a good life ! No more talking can fix this now and yesterday I made the decision that I really well and truly can no longer be around him! Thursday he was lovely .. (as he is around me) and asked if he could stay the night.

The evening came and he was adamant in the fact that I was right , he has realised on his own. He can’t imagine anyone else having me. We deserve another chance. I felt content in the fact that he was spending the night, so surely this was progress, although still had my doubts in thinking he could have told her anything to get away for the evening. I made it clear that if he still had seeds to sow then he should do it , but said I wasn’t prepared to not move on just so he can go out and do what ever he pleases. He on numerous times said that that wasn’t what he wanted, he wanted me, he wanted us.

Friday he was still saying the same, held me and told me I had nothing to worry about. Friday night came and he agreed to stay in with our baby whilst I went to Milton Keynes for a few drinks for a friends birthday. I got all ready and felt positive, 9:30 and I rang and he said ’20 mins’ .. did he answer his phone after that?! Did he fuck!! How calculated and cruel does one person get. I wake to 3 messages all around 40 minutes apart and all saying sorry. He wasn’t that sorry because his phone doesn’t go on until 2:30pm. I was calm , he was off! He told me ‘he was coming,’ an hour later I wanted to find out what time he was coming. No answer!! He then texts ‘y u keep ringing me?’ .. is he serious ?? Obviously he lives in a world where it isn’t normal to ring their partner and find out a time I would be seeing him. I asked him what time and he sent ‘don’t no.’ This shitty behaviour is fucked up, clearly he was around her ! Does he not remember what he was saying just 24 hours previously ?!?

Enough was enough … I did what I said I was going to do all those days ago. I changed my number !! Not only that but I sent his little a girlfriend a VERY long message explaining how disrespectful he is towards her around me. How he is still sleeping with me and continued to tell me it’s me he wants!

Maybe I did the wrong thing, I had no proof he was with her and many would disagree in me ‘getting involved’ but I am involved. Why shouldn’t she know all this. I do stand by how she would learn for herself eventually that he won’t ever be a true boyfriend to her but the bitter side to me wanted her to know that it’s me that has walked away this time! I also wanted to make sure that he ended up with no one. Show him what it’s like to lose me and me ruining anything with her means he’d notice it a lot sooner.
This evening my sister called him to let him know he could arrange to see baby through her. He wasn’t happy about that! Charlotte told him I was completely done with the situation and how I couldn’t be around him when he behaves how he does. I’m immature apparently for not even speaking to him. What does talking do ?? Other than get inside my head. He explained he was at his grandmas so maybe the little girl has listened to what I said, she’ll probably let him back again but I know 100% she will wish she never did.

Posted in baby, cheat, Deceit, Diet, Heart, Heartbreak, Uncategorized

Man up!!

Posted on by KerryLouise

Baby woke me up as she needed feeding. Last night she woke every 2 hours but we both went back off straight away. It’s 2:30am and I’m now wide awake. I’m starving! A banana will have to do.

I’ve worked out that it’s now been 4 weeks. 4 weeks on Friday of Dom telling me how he doesn’t want her, and how he needs to get rid of her. I read back to the first post when I wrote how I knew he wouldn’t do it straight away but 4 weeks is taking the piss! I know a good chunk of that time he was saying he didn’t want me either but still! 

He come in tonight and again kissing me, telling me it’s me he wants. (He was bloody early too.) How it was just a situation where he was getting back at me but he’s not doing that anymore. I believe him at the time but when he’s not around I don’t. I really don’t. Then I try and think logical here, why put up with the stress from both of us? Surely he’s fucking tired of it too. Having her moan about being with me (well sorry love but you should have seen that coming) constantly whining about comments he makes like how he’s buying me a birthday present and me telling him I AM NOT WAITING around forever. Tonight I said how I will go with someone else if I find out he’s still sleeping with her, he held me and said to please not do that to him. As he left after our playfulness and love he promises he’s going to stay over tomorrow night to which I said he has a week to get his shit out of hers and get rid of her properly or I’m gone. He once again said ok.

Now at silly o’clock in the morning I’m thinking no! Not a week! Why should I give him a week?! He’s had long enough. She may not have respect for herself but allowing this man to walk all over her, and I certainly too haven’t shown that respect for myself but I will. To be honest this is the first time since Friday I’ve questioned his commitment to us again, obviously I’ve been waiting for it to happen. I can imagine what he’s said to her since he didn’t answer my phone call or text tonight after he left. ‘Ahh I’m so sorry babe for the pictures of me playing happy families with my baby mum I’ll stay with you tonight’ 🙄 roll eyes. 

Even if he’s not with her I’m going to continue having this feeling until he finally moves home. It’s not healthy. She did share some new bullshit quote tonight about ‘never finding another her’ so have to try and take that as comfort that he’s not acting all lovey Dovey with her still. 

This is ridiculous!! 

Posted in alone, Beauty, cheat, Detox, Diet, exercise, Fitness, Heartbreak, love, pregnant, relationship, relationships, sex, Uncategorized, Weigh, Weight, weightloss, Women

Ready for day 3

Posted on by KerryLouise

Ok day 1 went , soup, chicken and fruit! Then day 2 was fruit, meal replacement and a jacket potato. I did have a sweetie lolly and a Dr Pepper too tho 🙈! 

We had a Halloween get together at my friends house. It was nice to have Dom there, I’m still feeling a little dubious this morning though. 

Sunday he called me late on after I had been trying him all day. I didn’t send abuse, although I did have a message ready if needed. He straight away was like ‘babe don’t go mad’ and basically had thought he had lost his phone but his friend had it. He came to see us in the evening and straight away is warm, friendly and just acting like we’re in love. He stays until nearly 2am. Tells me he’s coming back first thing as not at work … I know that doesn’t happen but for some reason I’m a lot calmer with him and it’s working. 

He’s comes around 2pm after I woke him at 12:30 and even answered the phone calling me his sugar dumpling. I mean what name is that … ha but trust me it’s a lot nicer than some of the things he’s called me. 

She’s still ringing him though and realistically I don’t actually know what he’s saying to her. She has shared some interesting quotes on Facebook though which indicates she’s hurting. Well more fool her she knew what she was getting in to. 

He said last night he’s gonna move back new year , fresh start and all that. I understand how he’s reluctant in bringing his clothes here again and he also thinks not rushing back into anything is the way forward. I somewhat agree. If she wasn’t on the scene I would be totally ok with it but I’m constantly thinking oh he’s with her… which is bound to be the case ey. 

I’m seeing him later and I do need to be firmer, stronger and wiser !! 

Posted in alone, baby, breastfeeding, Deceit, Detox, Diet, Heart, Heartbreak, relationship, relationships, Singlemum, Strength, Uncategorized, weightloss, Women

So lucky … 

Posted on by KerryLouise

I went to bed last night at 10pm so this post had to wait until this morning. I woke up yesterday still thinking about it, of course I will. He’s been in my life far too long and we’ve been through far too much to give up. I went over old blog posts and his letters again, a reminder of how bad I had it when he first went. I couldn’t help but cry. 

Today was meant to be the last day with my car. I’ve had my car for 2 years now and I was originally completely ok about having to get the bus for a while. It finally hit me today … ‘I can’t not have a car.’ I was feeling super anxious about it, I need my independence especially with the current set up! After looking online at second hand cars, it worked out the better option to buy the car from the lease company. I feel so lucky I have had that support from my mum and step dad. It really picked up my mood and I was so happy to still have my car. 

I called Dominic to tell him. He was happy for me too, he said how he walked past mine earlier and so wished I was in. The conversation saw him call me amazing and again tell me how much he loves me. Letting him realise on his own that the grass isn’t greener is working better and sooner than I thought. It probably makes absolutely no sense to anyone but I know what I’m doing.

I weighed myself, only a pound and a half weight loss. What rubbish ! My nan even commented about how slim I was getting and joked about how she wished she could disappear like I am lol but the scales didn’t show this! I then had a bad day, pasta, white bread, sweets and chocolate! 

New day today ! 💪🏼