Category: Deceit

Posted in Deceit, Detox, Diet, exercise, Fitness, Girltalk, Heart, Heartbreak, Journey, life, Lonely, love, Mistakes, mother, pregnancy, relationship, relationships, Weigh, Weight, weightloss, Women

Day 4

Posted on by KerryLouise

The first day I went over on my calories… I still ate less than 1500 but my exercise wasn’t great and so I didn’t have enough in the bank.

I am already feeling slimmer though so this is fabulous! 

Ex came to see me today, oh how sorry he is, how he can’t lose me, on his hands and knees, begging for my help as he doesn’t know what’s wrong with him. I’ve offered my help before, he betrayed me again .. he’s insane! I’ve been pretty strong. It does help knowing he has no one. No one real anyway. I think last time it hurt because I feared he had genuine feelings for that girl, this time I’ve realised he won’t ever treat anyone right so why should I fear? I see him with my daughter that’s what makes me weak, I feel his touch, weak again! He got crazy earlier knowing I downloaded dating apps again. This time I have every intention of meeting someone new. I need that, I need some attention, to feel worthy again. If I don’t find someone then so be it but how can I go on like this? Do what ? Take him back again because I want the perfect family ? No fucking chance. This time I mean it. Last time I knew I would fight for him back, again I admit it was harder because the stupid tramp believed him and he had her to run too but I can honestly say all the hate I have built up for him this past year is ready to cut him off …. or up … whichever! 

I’m not going to be bitter, that eats women up. It will continue to bring too much negativity in my life. I’m a positive person and I need her back. I will be his friend but I will not be his lover. 

Posted in cheat, Deceit, Diet, exercise, Heart, Heartbreak, life, Lonely, love, mother, relationship, relationships, sex, Weigh, Weight, weightloss, Women

Day 3

Posted on by KerryLouise

I was a bit drunk to write this before I went to bed. I skipped dinner and went for the wine instead. 852 calories consumed in total and 7,151 steps. Amazing what stress and anxiety has done for my diet! 


So my gut was correct. The last 2 weeks he was cheating on me again!! The man, sorry boy is an absolute joke of a human being. He thinks I’d fall for it all again, no f’ing way. I suspected it these 2 weeks and he told me I was going crazy, told me I was paranoid. How he understood that trust takes a while!! But I was right!! I was so right and you know what … that feels good! 

I spoke to the girl, she’s 20, luckily she has no emotional attachment to him and so she doesn’t want to know. She apologised for not talking to me before and I apologised for calling her the names I did but she understood why. He lied and told her our baby was 1 ! Told her he was living at his grandmas… the same old shit. Told me the same bullshit stories as to why he wasn’t coming back and I just knew !! He hasn’t even gave it a proper chance … straight back into another girls bed. Just shows how little feelings he had for that last one too. 

He began by trying to deny it to me and then I hear ‘I’ve fucked up can we talk.’ No fucking way!! He also said ‘don’t be gassed we both know what’s going to happen.’ He literally believes I would take him back again! Hahaha no chance in hell. 

Anyway yes I’ve cried, yes I’m gutted but to be honest I needed it. He’s wotless , doesn’t have a hope in hell in succeeding and the sooner he’s back inside the better! 

I do not need him at all!! 

Posted in alone, cheat, Deceit, Detox, Diet, exercise, Fitness, Heart, Heartbreak, Journey, life, Lonely, love, Mistakes, Parenting, relationship, relationships

Day 2

Posted on by KerryLouise

Successful day on plan. Amazed that I got on the scales for the first time since before my birthday and I had actually lost a pound. Not going to lie that helped greatly with my mood. 

Calories I consumed today was 1540 which is still under target according to my Fitbit. Exercise needs to be upped though and I need my body to start taking shape. I will show him! 

He was pretty loving today until I saw a girl call his phone who I don’t want calling his phone!! I don’t trust him and my gut doesn’t. A week ago she text him with xxx, now I understand men have female friends just as female friends have male ones BUT he’s broke my trust and he’s broke me in the sense that I just assume it’s all bad. I remind him of the boy who cried wolf! I am no longer afraid to find out the truth and when I saw the xxx I tried to call her , she ignored me. Tonight I text her again, she ignored me. He just tells me that he could never lose me again, why would he bother, he’s so proud to have me blah blah blah !! Well I’m thinking of ways to catch him out so he can no longer tell me I’m weird and it’s all in my head. I have my plan!! 

I will be the winner! 😉

I’m a winner anyway with this amazing little girl!

Posted in alone, baby, cheat, Deceit, Heart, Heartbreak, life, Lonely, love, Mistakes, relationship, relationships, sex, Singlemum, Strength, Uncategorized

Finally I’ve done it. I’ve made the cut off!

Posted on by KerryLouise

Finally I’ve done it. I’ve made the cut off. I have to be honest I still hope for a life with him. What is wrong with me? But yes a good life ! No more talking can fix this now and yesterday I made the decision that I really well and truly can no longer be around him! Thursday he was lovely .. (as he is around me) and asked if he could stay the night.

The evening came and he was adamant in the fact that I was right , he has realised on his own. He can’t imagine anyone else having me. We deserve another chance. I felt content in the fact that he was spending the night, so surely this was progress, although still had my doubts in thinking he could have told her anything to get away for the evening. I made it clear that if he still had seeds to sow then he should do it , but said I wasn’t prepared to not move on just so he can go out and do what ever he pleases. He on numerous times said that that wasn’t what he wanted, he wanted me, he wanted us.

Friday he was still saying the same, held me and told me I had nothing to worry about. Friday night came and he agreed to stay in with our baby whilst I went to Milton Keynes for a few drinks for a friends birthday. I got all ready and felt positive, 9:30 and I rang and he said ’20 mins’ .. did he answer his phone after that?! Did he fuck!! How calculated and cruel does one person get. I wake to 3 messages all around 40 minutes apart and all saying sorry. He wasn’t that sorry because his phone doesn’t go on until 2:30pm. I was calm , he was off! He told me ‘he was coming,’ an hour later I wanted to find out what time he was coming. No answer!! He then texts ‘y u keep ringing me?’ .. is he serious ?? Obviously he lives in a world where it isn’t normal to ring their partner and find out a time I would be seeing him. I asked him what time and he sent ‘don’t no.’ This shitty behaviour is fucked up, clearly he was around her ! Does he not remember what he was saying just 24 hours previously ?!?

Enough was enough … I did what I said I was going to do all those days ago. I changed my number !! Not only that but I sent his little a girlfriend a VERY long message explaining how disrespectful he is towards her around me. How he is still sleeping with me and continued to tell me it’s me he wants!

Maybe I did the wrong thing, I had no proof he was with her and many would disagree in me ‘getting involved’ but I am involved. Why shouldn’t she know all this. I do stand by how she would learn for herself eventually that he won’t ever be a true boyfriend to her but the bitter side to me wanted her to know that it’s me that has walked away this time! I also wanted to make sure that he ended up with no one. Show him what it’s like to lose me and me ruining anything with her means he’d notice it a lot sooner.
This evening my sister called him to let him know he could arrange to see baby through her. He wasn’t happy about that! Charlotte told him I was completely done with the situation and how I couldn’t be around him when he behaves how he does. I’m immature apparently for not even speaking to him. What does talking do ?? Other than get inside my head. He explained he was at his grandmas so maybe the little girl has listened to what I said, she’ll probably let him back again but I know 100% she will wish she never did.

Posted in baby, cheat, Deceit, Diet, Heart, Heartbreak, Uncategorized

Man up!!

Posted on by KerryLouise

Baby woke me up as she needed feeding. Last night she woke every 2 hours but we both went back off straight away. It’s 2:30am and I’m now wide awake. I’m starving! A banana will have to do.

I’ve worked out that it’s now been 4 weeks. 4 weeks on Friday of Dom telling me how he doesn’t want her, and how he needs to get rid of her. I read back to the first post when I wrote how I knew he wouldn’t do it straight away but 4 weeks is taking the piss! I know a good chunk of that time he was saying he didn’t want me either but still! 

He come in tonight and again kissing me, telling me it’s me he wants. (He was bloody early too.) How it was just a situation where he was getting back at me but he’s not doing that anymore. I believe him at the time but when he’s not around I don’t. I really don’t. Then I try and think logical here, why put up with the stress from both of us? Surely he’s fucking tired of it too. Having her moan about being with me (well sorry love but you should have seen that coming) constantly whining about comments he makes like how he’s buying me a birthday present and me telling him I AM NOT WAITING around forever. Tonight I said how I will go with someone else if I find out he’s still sleeping with her, he held me and said to please not do that to him. As he left after our playfulness and love he promises he’s going to stay over tomorrow night to which I said he has a week to get his shit out of hers and get rid of her properly or I’m gone. He once again said ok.

Now at silly o’clock in the morning I’m thinking no! Not a week! Why should I give him a week?! He’s had long enough. She may not have respect for herself but allowing this man to walk all over her, and I certainly too haven’t shown that respect for myself but I will. To be honest this is the first time since Friday I’ve questioned his commitment to us again, obviously I’ve been waiting for it to happen. I can imagine what he’s said to her since he didn’t answer my phone call or text tonight after he left. ‘Ahh I’m so sorry babe for the pictures of me playing happy families with my baby mum I’ll stay with you tonight’ 🙄 roll eyes. 

Even if he’s not with her I’m going to continue having this feeling until he finally moves home. It’s not healthy. She did share some new bullshit quote tonight about ‘never finding another her’ so have to try and take that as comfort that he’s not acting all lovey Dovey with her still. 

This is ridiculous!! 

Posted in alone, baby, breastfeeding, Deceit, Detox, Diet, Heart, Heartbreak, relationship, relationships, Singlemum, Strength, Uncategorized, weightloss, Women

So lucky … 

Posted on by KerryLouise

I went to bed last night at 10pm so this post had to wait until this morning. I woke up yesterday still thinking about it, of course I will. He’s been in my life far too long and we’ve been through far too much to give up. I went over old blog posts and his letters again, a reminder of how bad I had it when he first went. I couldn’t help but cry. 

Today was meant to be the last day with my car. I’ve had my car for 2 years now and I was originally completely ok about having to get the bus for a while. It finally hit me today … ‘I can’t not have a car.’ I was feeling super anxious about it, I need my independence especially with the current set up! After looking online at second hand cars, it worked out the better option to buy the car from the lease company. I feel so lucky I have had that support from my mum and step dad. It really picked up my mood and I was so happy to still have my car. 

I called Dominic to tell him. He was happy for me too, he said how he walked past mine earlier and so wished I was in. The conversation saw him call me amazing and again tell me how much he loves me. Letting him realise on his own that the grass isn’t greener is working better and sooner than I thought. It probably makes absolutely no sense to anyone but I know what I’m doing.

I weighed myself, only a pound and a half weight loss. What rubbish ! My nan even commented about how slim I was getting and joked about how she wished she could disappear like I am lol but the scales didn’t show this! I then had a bad day, pasta, white bread, sweets and chocolate! 

New day today ! 💪🏼

Posted in alone, baby, breastfeeding, cheat, Deceit, Diet, Heart, Heartbreak, Lonely, love, Mistakes, relationship, relationships, Singlemum, Strength, Uncategorized

Baby’s first cinema trip 

Posted on by KerryLouise

My little cutie went to the cinema for the first time today. Good as gold as per usual. My sister had to change a very explosive nappy though and she did feed on both boobs. She’s still a little angel. 

Her daddy text in the afternoon asking how we both were. He said he wasn’t coming straight from work, that’s fine I replied and when he called you could tell he didn’t understand my relaxed attitude when I said I had made new plans too. I don’t want to stop him from seeing us but if he can’t stick to a time then that gives me the option to be unavailable and can keep him at a distance. He needs to miss us. 

We spoke later on and he mentioned how he had been talking with someone from work who said how I must be lonely. He never wanted me to feel lonely or unloved apparently. It’s inevitable though and I just commented that I’m used to being alone, I just miss him. It was a pleasant phone call and I feel ok. Sometimes my mind wanders and I think about him with her and all the lies and deceit but that does me no favours and I’m only punishing myself. 

 I sent him some words to think about … 


Tomorrow I weigh myself. Last Wednesday I began a no gluten or sugar diet and I’ve found it pretty easy. Today I had sugar though at the cinema but hey ho. Can’t be perfect. I’ve had two comments today about weight loss and I am definitely feeling more confident in myself. 

Literally buzzing for a night out with my friends on my birthday. Ordered a dress last night and I cannot wait to get fully dressed up again. Fingers crossed I just feel super fabulous by then ❤️

Posted in cheat, Deceit, Heart, Heartbreak, prison, prisonwives, relationship, relationships, singlemum, Strength, Uncategorized, Women

Tiny steps ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

After a lazy morning just blogging, merging my two blogs and reading over the old posts I’ve made I totally feel like Dominic should read them. Especially the ones of when he was inside. He could see how I was always saying ‘he was the one’ , how in love I was, how at times I was angry and got mad about the situation. I know he suffered but he needs to realise I did too!! 

I then made the mistake of reading over some of the letters he sent me whilst he was inside, it made me cry. Maybe it was all me, maybe I have completely fucked his love for me… but then I remind myself of all the love he’s still shown me since his release and even after I told him whilst he was still inside. It’s still there, it is definitely still there ! This blog may not show that love but remember people only tend to blog when things are going badly! 


The bit that gets to me is that he does talk of loyalty a lot. There’s many letters saying how he can’t share me, he talks of our children and how he’s going to let them know how their mummy is his queen. That word loyal , it stings me. It really does. I’m annoyed with myself for being as weak as I was. 


Throughout this year when we have been getting on he has admitted that I was always there for him mentally and that’s what was important. 



Then I read the above and realise, okay the other woman stuff may not have happened if I hadn’t off met that other guy but he still would have done all the other stuff. The cheating has only been the icing on the cake, the rest of the year was nothing to do with girls! 

I have a box full of letters like this. The letters only stopped when he managed to get hold of a mobile a lot more and he had it over night a lot. He forgets this and was last night screaming at how the emails stopped coming. How I went so long without visiting him, (genuinely due to money and work) and how he just knew something was up. I remember speaking to him loads on the phone, why would I send emails when we speak on the phone daily?! We had phone sex whenever he had the phone over night and he was still so amazingly loving even AFTER I told him about the little fling I had. Last night the anger and hate in his eyes devastated me thinking he literally couldn’t get over it but I’m adamant that all this love can’t just be dead and buried. 

I called him this evening as was expecting him. I told him we should leave it till tomorrow since he was running late and I had some friends to see. Progress! He was calling me baby and said how he’s been thinking about us all day. I briefly tell him about the blog posts and the letters. Once again he tells me he loves me and we can make it work. 

I didn’t call again, which is also progress for me. Often no contact is better than contact if he’s cold and distant on the phone so it makes sense. I try not to think too much about what he’s up too, even if he is with her, I know he’ll be thinking of me. 

In future I won’t be the one making any sexual advances or asking for a cuddle. I need to try and not bring ‘us’ up and just let him enjoy being with his daughter. Rather than talk about the bad stuff and where we went wrong which usually just annoys him and reminds him. I’ll let him enjoy his daughter and be a nice person to be around. He promised straight from work (again) and would bring a change of clothes so he can shower here. Then spend the whole evening with us. I must not kick of when that doesn’t happen, and certainly not have bloody sex with him!! 

If he doesn’t show, that’s when I will change my number. Changing my number would certainly make him happy too since he has asked repeatedly since we first met!! He mentioned today again how he wants me to get rid of any men I’m chatting too since he saw my WhatsApp yesterday. Bit rich considering he’s doing what he’s doing but I literally don’t want to give him anymore ammunition. 

Why the hell does he have me like this? I can’t imagine life without him. 😩 It’s bloody pathetic !!!!

Posted in Challenge, cheat, court, Deceit, Girltalk, Heart, Heartbreak, intimate, Journey, life, police, prison, Prisoner, prisonwives, relationship, sex

A new start ?

Posted on by KerryLouise

I failed in waiting for him to call, Sunday blues came and the sadness took over me. I couldn’t understand how someone who was so involved in my life can literally walk away without a second thought. He responded to my text by saying I had told him not to call me but he would ring me soon. He didn’t. He rang me over 24 hours later. 

He began with small talk, what had I been up too, how am I? He even asked what had I bought him whilst shopping. I joked by saying I had bought him a frying pan to hit him over the head with and not what he had suggested that I was finally going to cook for him. He mentioned that he didn’t understand women and why they needed closure. I pointed out that hanging me on a thread wasn’t fair either, again he didn’t make any real sense and said he still wants to be my friend. He was trying to make it easier for me apparently, how he heard that my Dad was giving my man a job and them sort of things and so didn’t want to get in the way. He knew all of this right from the start, I never once even let him believe maybe we could be together. Maybe I was harsh in saying that he really didn’t need to protect me as I’m the one who would be completely fine as soon as I had my man home. I sensed that he knew this was true. He admitted he had a lot going on and really was in no position to be with me properly, I reiterated that that was never my intention. I feel like more was said, he asked when I was back in town, and seemed sure he would see me again. This leads me to believe that there is no one else but some kind of crazy ‘deal’ that is going on, I did hear something quite suspect when I was last there. Again he went by saying he’d call me back. I will leave him now, it is sad to think he’s out my life now but it was always going to have to be like that one day. It’s not like I don’t have my Mr Right anyway and I’ve been through a lot worse before in regards to losing these man friends, I will cope even if my beloved doesn’t get tag. 

Last night I admitted to my beloved regarding the fling I’ve had. It went better than I expected. He was quiet, angry, hurt, disappointed but he understands that this was just his karma after the way he treated me before. Our call ended on a positive, he truly loves me, this has shown me more than ever. To forgive me for this, takes some guts. My gosh I love him. Within 10 days I should find out if I’m getting him home or not. 

Posted in cheat, court, Deceit, Diet, Fitness, Girltalk, Heart, Heartbreak, lawstudent, life, love, Mistakes, prison, Prisoner, Running, student, Weight, weightloss

Foooooood!!!

Posted on by KerryLouise

so 2,500 calories consumed, with a 40 minute continuous run (which I am proud of) and about a 1/4 of the day studying the Human Rights Act! I am getting there, kinda, slowly! Far more calories than I would have liked and most of the extras was sugar that I just do not need in my diet. All my running is making me loads more hungry plus I’m due on next week so this week is the devil week for wanting allll the food. Other girls can relate right?! 

My run is a positive defo, some inconsistencies with the distance, the treadmill and my app both said different but meet in the middle and it was about 6k and I didn’t stop once! Woo! 

Studying, I did well earlier but this evening has been the same routine of wasting time. An hour phone conversation with my sister and what’sapp pinging me with my friends telling me of their dramas. The friend I’ve spoke of previously who also has a man in jail and had been seeing someone else received a letter from him today. He ended it! In a letter!! Like what?! Now I know I do not know the ins and outs but that seems so harsh, especially considering she felt she couldn’t end it whilst he’s banged up in there. Their story is completely different to ours she was his co-defendant, they been together 5 years, split up, had different partners then got back together last year whilst he was inside. She then seemed to me like they were madly in love if anything more so than me at times, and now it’s all over. We were getting through this journey together with the same release dates and now I’ve lost her but hey. I can do this. On my own.