Category: Detox

Posted in alone, cheat, Company, Deceit, Detox, Parenting, relationship, relationships, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum, Weight, weightloss, Women

Getting there .. 

Posted on by KerryLouise

Last night I couldn’t believe the difference a week had made. I saw him yesterday but I stayed very strong. The week before I was still waiting on him to move heaven on earth for me after yet another cheating episode. Then when it got to the evening and I knew he went back to hers I felt so angry, betrayed, sick and full of hate. Last night I didn’t even WANT to call him. 

I saw him out Saturday night he was his usual psycho self. One minute telling me how much he’s fucking missed me, needs me, would laugh with me and then the next screaming at me about things I can’t even remember. Strangers even spotted his volatile behaviour. I was worried for his safety, I know how bouncers and things can get but he certainly didn’t want my help so I walked home and buzzer went on private. It took a lot of strength to walk home and leave him, I can’t lie. 

Sunday came and I got my mate to text him for me. I felt angry. How dare he kick off for me talking to some guy yet was ok for him to chat up some fat blonde thing. He contacted me via Facebook he started by being rude, telling me it was me following him around , me not letting him enjoy his night and it was all my fault AGAIN! I implied that I had been with someone else, a stupid game I know but I wanted to get to him. I knew it would. We spoke on the phone and it was pity party him again. How I never loved him, how I killed him when he was in jail, how he had to read a conversation on my iPad between me and a man. Screaming how I should have left him, he fails to see that he had that choice too and equally he can’t love me either. I put a stop to the conversation, this is all so old ground and it won’t ever be resolved and it doesn’t need to be now. It’s over.

I agreed he could pop by and grab some clothes and see Ariana. He got mad about his arrest , called me wicked for stopping him from seeing his great grandma on her birthday. As I expected. I no longer care what he has to say, I need to remind myself it’s only words and all his actions does not put him in any position to kill me with words anymore. I also know he says these things because he’s hurting and he’s angry so that’s ok too. On his head. 

Then he softened, told me I was his. How when he thought I went with someone else he was fuming. I took my pyjama bottoms off ready for my shower and I knew that that would tease him. He tried and I did what I did last time stuck to my guns and did not have sex. I didn’t fancy him when I saw him out the night before, drunk and aggressive. I did today, that needs to go. That’s what’s annoying. I’m sure once I find a new man it will. 

I don’t want to be bitter with him, it eats people up. I want to be able to be his friend. I hope he can sort his life out, but having me allow him to just keep walking all over me will not do that. He needs his own place, he needs a job and he needs to leave the streets. Time will tell . 

Posted in cheat, court, Deceit, Detox, Diet, exercise, Fitness, Heart, Heartbreak, Lonely, love, police, prison, prisonwives, relationship, relationships, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum, Strength, Weight, weightloss, Women

I was desperate

Posted on by KerryLouise

So many emotions , so little calories consumed and many tears. He did come home after day 6, denying he was at the girls house. He came in at 2am, I stuck to my word and did not succumb to his sorrys and pleas. I would not fall for it again and have sex with him, knowing how I would feel less than 2 hours later. Need some self respect. I’m not saying nothing happened, he was touching me and kissing me but I would not let him get what he wanted. This didn’t bode well, the vileness started, and it’s crazy but sitting here and I feel so numb and tired to things he was saying I can’t even remember! He definitely blamed me for keeping my eldest daughter off school as she was sick, telling me I’m not thinking about baby. Told me I was a joke for having coconut oil but never using it on my baby. Said how he was on to my friend and so I should watch myself when I’m in town and moving on to any man. Picking at me for not being the real loyal true woman he needed.

Then it changed, laughing and joking how he needs me, how my sex is the best he’s ever had. That no way will he allow anyone else to have me. Promised he wasn’t at her house till 2am, he came home to me because he wants me. I’m smarter though, he knew about the text I had sent her, told me I was embarrassing. Asking me what was wrong with me. I then see another new text on his phone from her and it made it even clearer. She believed him over me AGAIN. I REFUSE to be caught up with another love triangle , my mindset changed completely. I wanted this over, this all ended. I needed peace and quiet not his awful attitude lies and constant circle I’ve experienced for the past YEAR!! My phone had disappeared and I just knew he had it. My only hope right now , as he just wasn’t leaving but constantly in my face poking my head and not leaving me alone, was to use Facebook to message my sisters to call the police. I meant it this time … GAME OVER!

Police came and I broke down to the nice female officer. I showed her a huge bruise on my knee and it was enough to have him arrested for assault. At least I knew he’d be locked for a few hours with only his own thoughts. Let him be the one unable to get hold of me for a change! Let him just lay there not being able to talk to anyone because that’s how I’ve been for so long! Kept so much to myself trying to protect him.

He came to me at 3am this morning. Foolishly let him in in the hope he’d give me my phone back. He didn’t and it was oh so easy to not fall for his charm, the nastiness outweighed the charm this time.

Went from telling me he’s addicted to me and can’t lose me to him pushing me in my mouth so I hit my head on the radiator. Then he would say sorry and how he promises to change and would stop dealing just to keep me, my response that it was too late turned him sour again. Told me that it was me preventing him from moving on because I was messaging people ‘fucking up his shit.’ Sorry but I’m pretty sure you can’t move on whilst your still sleeping with me and you have a new girlfriend who thinks your name is Donovan and you leave hers to go ‘do a shot’ and don’t go back to her to just then come to me! He’s a mental character and it is now definitely the end of our road!

He left without telling me where my phone was. He enjoyed keep telling me different places and knowing full well it wasn’t there and would just watch me scramble to wherever he said. Just a bully!

I got it out of him today and luckily I have my phone back. This evening I’ve had his mum pleading that I drop the charges. Trying to say it’s both of us, we are both to blame and we are not being mature. I replied with anger, NO WAY will I continue to sugar coat this and pretend it’s normal. I will not take blame for this anymore nor will I feel bad if he ends up back in jail! I’ve been in jail this past year, my heart has been locked, he has had his control and now it’s time for my release date.

10th January 2017 … my new life starts now!

Posted in alone, baby, cheat, Company, Deceit, Detox, exercise, Fitness, Heart, Heartbreak, Ibiza, Journey, life, Lonely, love, Mistakes, mother, Parenting, relationship, relationships, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum, Strength, Uncategorized, Weigh, Weight, weightloss, Women

Day 5

Posted on by KerryLouise

Woke up at my friends house and felt quite strong. I think it surprised her and we spoke about it. I agreed that him not having anyone made it easier but equally I’ve learnt from the last time! 

I went home about midday and I was greeted by the vile character again. Moaning how I had woke him up! Ummm excuse me ? Your lucky you had a bed to sleep in! He began by saying I did push him, shifting the blame AGAIN! Saying some of the words I had said stuck in his head, reminded me of the day we had an argument and he was eating in the cafe she worked in. That’s the day he got her number. That made me sick !! 

I kept asking why so cold? Why so calculated and pre-meditated? Not even trying to cover it up by disappearing completely on me. Like one night he text me at 3am saying ‘baby I’m coming now I only love and want you’ … and never came!! What makes someone click like that?? He doesn’t know! He told me it hadn’t registered yet .. that we were over. Hasn’t hit him. He tried to have sex with me, he was close but I stayed strong. 

My sister wanted to call him last night. She came over for some wine, she helped me a lot. Just the company and the laughs. His phone was off , she then text her … not sure yet if she got a response. I laid awake a lot assuming she’s let him back in. She seemed very sure when she spoke to me, laughing at him in fact, apologising to me. But hey I know how good he is with his words.. ‘this is what I needed to get away’, ‘I’ll prove it to you’ , ‘let me just stay until I get somewhere,’ who knows what he’s said. God his words make me sick. Fake fraudulent person! 

Even if she has had him back, I won’t be fighting for his attention this time. I’ll just be glad that someone else has to put up with his bullshit. His coming and going as he pleases. His lack of support financially. His boyish behaviour!! She can deal with it all… she can fight for his attention because let’s face it. He won’t leave me alone, he never will. 

I’m actually excited. My baby isn’t just 2 weeks old this time. She’s nearly 4 months. I can have a social life and I am going too. I’m going to go to Ibiza this year again, to which he said ‘no fucking way.’ I’m going to date and meet people ! I’m buzzing! We have our holiday booked, told him we would still go. If he doesn’t pay though, I won’t and I’ll see if a friend will come instead. His fucking loss!! 

Under my calorie goal again, although once again drank wine. 

Life will be good! 

Posted in Deceit, Detox, Diet, exercise, Fitness, Girltalk, Heart, Heartbreak, Journey, life, Lonely, love, Mistakes, mother, pregnancy, relationship, relationships, Weigh, Weight, weightloss, Women

Day 4

Posted on by KerryLouise

The first day I went over on my calories… I still ate less than 1500 but my exercise wasn’t great and so I didn’t have enough in the bank.

I am already feeling slimmer though so this is fabulous! 

Ex came to see me today, oh how sorry he is, how he can’t lose me, on his hands and knees, begging for my help as he doesn’t know what’s wrong with him. I’ve offered my help before, he betrayed me again .. he’s insane! I’ve been pretty strong. It does help knowing he has no one. No one real anyway. I think last time it hurt because I feared he had genuine feelings for that girl, this time I’ve realised he won’t ever treat anyone right so why should I fear? I see him with my daughter that’s what makes me weak, I feel his touch, weak again! He got crazy earlier knowing I downloaded dating apps again. This time I have every intention of meeting someone new. I need that, I need some attention, to feel worthy again. If I don’t find someone then so be it but how can I go on like this? Do what ? Take him back again because I want the perfect family ? No fucking chance. This time I mean it. Last time I knew I would fight for him back, again I admit it was harder because the stupid tramp believed him and he had her to run too but I can honestly say all the hate I have built up for him this past year is ready to cut him off …. or up … whichever! 

I’m not going to be bitter, that eats women up. It will continue to bring too much negativity in my life. I’m a positive person and I need her back. I will be his friend but I will not be his lover. 

Posted in alone, cheat, Deceit, Detox, Diet, exercise, Fitness, Heart, Heartbreak, Journey, life, Lonely, love, Mistakes, Parenting, relationship, relationships

Day 2

Posted on by KerryLouise

Successful day on plan. Amazed that I got on the scales for the first time since before my birthday and I had actually lost a pound. Not going to lie that helped greatly with my mood. 

Calories I consumed today was 1540 which is still under target according to my Fitbit. Exercise needs to be upped though and I need my body to start taking shape. I will show him! 

He was pretty loving today until I saw a girl call his phone who I don’t want calling his phone!! I don’t trust him and my gut doesn’t. A week ago she text him with xxx, now I understand men have female friends just as female friends have male ones BUT he’s broke my trust and he’s broke me in the sense that I just assume it’s all bad. I remind him of the boy who cried wolf! I am no longer afraid to find out the truth and when I saw the xxx I tried to call her , she ignored me. Tonight I text her again, she ignored me. He just tells me that he could never lose me again, why would he bother, he’s so proud to have me blah blah blah !! Well I’m thinking of ways to catch him out so he can no longer tell me I’m weird and it’s all in my head. I have my plan!! 

I will be the winner! 😉

I’m a winner anyway with this amazing little girl!

Posted in alone, baby, Detox, Diet, exercise, Fitness, Heartbreak, life, Lonely, Mistakes, mother, Newborn, Parenting, pregnancy, pregnant, relationship, Uncategorized, Weight, weightloss, Women

Diet time! 

Posted on by KerryLouise

I I really need my confidence back, I need my body back. This picture shows how much confidence I did have. I did well for a week and then I kind of went off plan. I’m about to go serious now though .. 

20 days until my birthday and my first proper night out! If I haven’t lost a stone I won’t be happy! 

Thursday night we saw Dom, he was actually on time but acting off and cold. That act drives me mad. He accused me of taking his phone. I ain’t interested in his phone .. then he gets mad when I get mad regarding the accusations. He then goes off on one saying ‘I don’t want her and right now I don’t want you’ .. I break him down before he goes though. He cries before he leaves and he jokes about how I’m not allowed to talk to anyone or date anyone 🙄

Friday we had a really great day. I made the effort to not mention ‘us’ , I was so annoyed with myself the night before for doing so. He bought it up first saying how much he loves us both, how he doesn’t want anyone else. It was flirty, it was fun. This is the Dominic that makes me insanely happy. 

Since then we haven’t argued but he has been too busy to see us. I haven’t reacted YET but it has reminded me of his lifestyle and how even without the cheating thing he wound me up and hurt me. All this stuff that was meant to stop when baby was here clearly hasn’t and is not about too. This stuff wasn’t about ‘revenge’ this is just him! If he was still living with me it wouldn’t be as bad but he needs to watch it because yes I love him but showing me this side still won’t keep me wanting him. Why do we always want men who keep us on our toes ? If it was easy I would get bored .. guaranteed! What a mess! 

Anyway .. today is Sunday. Weird day to start a diet but another day off plan could put more weight on! I have meal replacements and I know this works! It works so well, done it many times before! 

On this 💪🏼

Posted in baby, Challenge, Cleanse, Detox, Diet, Fitness, Uncategorized, Weigh, Weight, weightloss

I’ve been so rubbish ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

Diet!! Meh !!! 

Food!! Meh !!!

Still chunky !!!!!! Meh!! 

My last post I promised 40 days well yeh that didn’t happen! I then put on instagram 21 days (till a night out) and that hasn’t happened. So now I’m nearly day 1 down of it actually happening .. 

No Junk Food, No Wheat, No Sugar ! No gluten free substitutes either!

I really do need to crack on with this now or come January 1st I’m going to find myself looking worse than I did a month ago! 

I’m taking my start weight as 14 stone 2, 2 stone heavier than my pre pregnancy weight. OH is getting tired of hearing me say ‘diet starts tomorrow’ and to be honest SO AM I! 

Things are good in my relationship but I know with me feeling better about myself it could still be better. I’m still feeling vulnerable, my mind still works overtime at times and although he still calls me beautiful and our sex life is good I know deep down he would love to see me comfortable in my own skin again! 

I cannot believe my baby is 11 weeks today and wow what an 11 weeks! She also slept from 9:30pm – 8am last night , such a good little girl ! 

Posted in baby, Challenge, Cleanse, Detox, Diet, exercise, Fitness, Journey, love, Mistakes, relationship, relationships, Uncategorized, Weight, weightloss

Day 1/40

Posted on by KerryLouise

So there’s 40 days left of this year and after doing so well with my diet I then went way off the rails over my birthday weekend. My weight loss stood at 2 stone 3 lbs, weighing in at 14 stone 2. Exactly 2 stone heavier than I was this time last year. I’m not weighing myself now until Christmas Eve!! 

I haven’t updated my blog in a while and I do need to fill in the gaps. All that needs to be said now is .. my man is back home. He’s back to being amazing, and loving. The man I know he can be. I see him with our daughter and my heart bursts with love. I actually don’t know how I got through 4 weeks of knowing he was with someone else!! Crazy!! 

I’m feeling crappy today. My first period in 11 months is proving to be hellish and I’m feeling a little run down. I would love to just eat rubbish but it’s just a vicious circle. Dominic is out playing pool and knowing I’m feeling crappy he text me saying ‘hope you’re feeling ok’, crazy to think that 5 weeks ago he didn’t seem to even think about me. Although he has later admitted that was never the case.

Baby Ariana is gorgeous! Trying tonight to get her into more of a routine since I’m not breastfeeding as much anymore. I can hear her talking to herself in her crib but she’s there and she’s been there since 8:30pm. Hoping to have mastered that by New Year and also my 8 year old ! Far too many late nights for her! 

Breakfast: Granola and milk (was meant to use almond milk but was in auto pilot)

Lunch: chicken drumsticks

Dinner: rice and lamb curry leftover from what Dom made last night 

Snacks: Banana, apple, cereal bar, olives

Drinks: Detox tea (must drink more water) 

Exercise: None

Cigarettes: 2!!! (Bad) 

Posted in alone, Beauty, cheat, Detox, Diet, exercise, Fitness, Heartbreak, love, pregnant, relationship, relationships, sex, Uncategorized, Weigh, Weight, weightloss, Women

Ready for day 3

Posted on by KerryLouise

Ok day 1 went , soup, chicken and fruit! Then day 2 was fruit, meal replacement and a jacket potato. I did have a sweetie lolly and a Dr Pepper too tho 🙈! 

We had a Halloween get together at my friends house. It was nice to have Dom there, I’m still feeling a little dubious this morning though. 

Sunday he called me late on after I had been trying him all day. I didn’t send abuse, although I did have a message ready if needed. He straight away was like ‘babe don’t go mad’ and basically had thought he had lost his phone but his friend had it. He came to see us in the evening and straight away is warm, friendly and just acting like we’re in love. He stays until nearly 2am. Tells me he’s coming back first thing as not at work … I know that doesn’t happen but for some reason I’m a lot calmer with him and it’s working. 

He’s comes around 2pm after I woke him at 12:30 and even answered the phone calling me his sugar dumpling. I mean what name is that … ha but trust me it’s a lot nicer than some of the things he’s called me. 

She’s still ringing him though and realistically I don’t actually know what he’s saying to her. She has shared some interesting quotes on Facebook though which indicates she’s hurting. Well more fool her she knew what she was getting in to. 

He said last night he’s gonna move back new year , fresh start and all that. I understand how he’s reluctant in bringing his clothes here again and he also thinks not rushing back into anything is the way forward. I somewhat agree. If she wasn’t on the scene I would be totally ok with it but I’m constantly thinking oh he’s with her… which is bound to be the case ey. 

I’m seeing him later and I do need to be firmer, stronger and wiser !! 

Posted in alone, baby, breastfeeding, Deceit, Detox, Diet, Heart, Heartbreak, relationship, relationships, Singlemum, Strength, Uncategorized, weightloss, Women

So lucky … 

Posted on by KerryLouise

I went to bed last night at 10pm so this post had to wait until this morning. I woke up yesterday still thinking about it, of course I will. He’s been in my life far too long and we’ve been through far too much to give up. I went over old blog posts and his letters again, a reminder of how bad I had it when he first went. I couldn’t help but cry. 

Today was meant to be the last day with my car. I’ve had my car for 2 years now and I was originally completely ok about having to get the bus for a while. It finally hit me today … ‘I can’t not have a car.’ I was feeling super anxious about it, I need my independence especially with the current set up! After looking online at second hand cars, it worked out the better option to buy the car from the lease company. I feel so lucky I have had that support from my mum and step dad. It really picked up my mood and I was so happy to still have my car. 

I called Dominic to tell him. He was happy for me too, he said how he walked past mine earlier and so wished I was in. The conversation saw him call me amazing and again tell me how much he loves me. Letting him realise on his own that the grass isn’t greener is working better and sooner than I thought. It probably makes absolutely no sense to anyone but I know what I’m doing.

I weighed myself, only a pound and a half weight loss. What rubbish ! My nan even commented about how slim I was getting and joked about how she wished she could disappear like I am lol but the scales didn’t show this! I then had a bad day, pasta, white bread, sweets and chocolate! 

New day today ! 💪🏼