Category: cheat

Posted in Abuse, relationships, alone, cheat, court, Deceit, DomesticAbuse, Girltalk, Heartbreak, Women

Escaping from Pathological Liars…

Posted on by KerryLouise

Join my group I mean it this time!

The most damaging of all the abuse is the lies. Every one tells small white lies but a pathological liar will tell a lie even when the truth isn’t something that would get him into trouble.

A pathological liar would say they had been to Costa for a coffee but in fact had a milkshake from McDonald’s. They will lie about anything they can get away with. I still remember my mind early on thinking ‘that doesn’t add up’ and ‘that doesn’t make sense’ but the lie was so small it didn’t seem to matter. Now I know this is a major red flag!

Last month on his birthday for instance he had our daughter and he said he was on the way to me and I should wait for him at home. 10 minutes he would be , 30 minutes went by and he said he was in the car. ‘You don’t sound like you’re in a car’ I say, a pathological liar will then react in an abusive way once he has been found out. The conversation gets heated, where he’s protecting his lie and finally he says ‘no you’re right I had to pull over because she had an explosion in her nappy.’ I ended up going to him and picking up my daughter to realise later there is no way her nappy had just been changed. A bizarre lie, unnecessary, he was where he said he was, just not in a car. It made no odds to me as I wanted to go to the supermarket anyway just unnecessary arguments because of the lies. Just why lie??? The truth was ok!

He lies to everyone, I see it constantly. Usually about where he is at any given time when he’s meant to be somewhere else. August for his sisters birthday was a particularly bad weekend. The best lie to his own mother ‘yes mum I’m just at MK station.’ The boy wasn’t even dressed! He was so set on trying to convince me that ‘he loved me’ and ‘he was going to put everything right’ he was in absolutely no rush at all to go see his family. Not caring about the fact he was already almost 24 hours late.

I can honestly say I have found the lying the most damaging. The bruises heal, the names he calls me are wiped away when he’s on his ‘nice’ side and I actually think how laughable some of it is. But the lies are damaging, destructive, evil and hard to explain. They make you feel like you are going mad! MAD! They believe their own lies they just must do. They will grab you and look deep into your soul, enough so you question everything you know. You question your own integrity, even question your own sanity. It’s so fucking powerful you have no choice.

Mainly the most destructive lies are that around his infidelity. Narcissists have a habit of promising you the world, they live in their own fantasy and often may well believe what they are saying. Even after you discover the truth they lie some more going between each woman manipulating both, making them believe they are the ‘chosen one.’ Like some sick love triangle that feeds into his ego and hurts and destroys in the process.

Since June of this year (just 6 weeks after we got back together) I have been telling him I do not want to be with him. The abusive behaviour was returning, he was drug dealing constantly, no plans to get a job (no real ones just lies) and his behaviours were reminding me of all the deceit I endured previously! I deserved better and I know longer was desperate for our family.

I needed out.

An abuser can’t bear that fact and begins his lies ‘all this is for you’, ‘I went to the job centre this week’, ‘it’s going to end next week when I have someone to cover me’, ‘I’m making enough money to set us up’, and ‘I can treat you like the Queen you deserve.’ They live in a fantasy world!! I do not KNOW the amount of times he’s had his car theory test booked, or how many times he’s seen probation and they have Work lined up. His favourite is ‘I’ll have some money for you next week.’ He hasn’t of course, they are all lies! All a control tactic so you will keep the communication up, knowing I would ring him asking for that money he promised.

Rather than just accepting I wanted to be on my own and not be with him he explains he will give me space. He carries on asking ‘how’s my beautiful wife’ , ‘I can’t lose you’ and ‘I’m going to prove it to you.’ ‘No way is this it’ he screams. I feel trapped, I still have someone who I am in love with (addicted to) promising me all this and it’s all part of his abusive cycle. Like a vodka bottle screaming drink me and it’s impossible to get out of.

“I know I don’t have a future with him, I don’t know how to get out of it and at that point all I know is I WILL.”

He rarely came by to see baby and it’s all about me, and that is where I am weak. There shouldn’t be no half way relationship (this is how it came to blows before) I made my decision and I should have stuck with it. Going along with it just seemed the easier option. Screams of ‘You are my woman’ or ‘you can meet someone else now you slag’, the first was less tiring. It was easier to just accept it, not make any issues. If I acted cold or said ‘we are not together’, he would get angry, violent, nasty and actually quite scary.

Cutting contact completely seemed too extreme and his manipulation made me fear the repercussions of that. He’s clever really. Not now though he really has pushed me too far. My daughter is NOT being exposed to his lies.

Hearing how he was going to show me what I mean to him repeatedly caused more pain when he just didn’t. Broken promises hurt. Everyone wants to hear the things he was saying and to then just deceive me is so painful. One particular evening when he was telling me all day he was coming to see me and how he he couldn’t wait. He was so excited apparently and I was not given a choice but to allow him this time. I ended up packing up all his stuff and it was in the bathroom for weeks. Middle of August it was, we had standard conversations throughout the day where he would keep saying ‘I’m going to be an hour’ .. 11am eventually turned into ‘I will be 20 minutes baby’ at 6pm and he just never showed. What kind of vile psychotic animal does that? All night I was ringing his phone and the reminders of HOW many times he put me through this previously. It’s sick, twisted, disrespectful, damaging and totally unforgivable.

He was with someone else. It was obvious and I am not stupid!! Of course he denied it and even though now I 100% know different he still will never admit! We’ve been here before! I was abused for ever suggesting it. I was the one saying sorry. After this occasion he even got our social worker in on his lies, she past on his messages ‘he will do what it takes to be a family.’ Always making promises he had no intention to keep.

He had his chance to leave me alone. He had his chances to just be a father without coming by feeling entitled to my body. Now he has ruined that.

How does someone get over all the lying? It is scary how well he lies. For weeks I’ve been saying how fucking obvious it has been, it’s him all over, he doesn’t have a home, when I’m pushing him away he needs another supply. He managed to get away with it for so long because I barely ring him. He’s come by stinking when he needs a shower. Like honestly. He’s not showering 4-5 days and shows up absolutely stinking. The empath in me lets him in ‘ I need you’, ‘I’ve been hurt’ alongside some fabricated story about a fight he’s had, ‘all I’ve been thinking about is you.’ Of course at 1 o’clock in the morning I can hardly say no, this particular time was early September, the next morning I got a punch in my leg for not ‘caring enough’. See how quick these cycles were. Crazy!

More recently I’ve got more angry with him, when he wasn’t around my mind would be going over and over. Second guessing EVERYTHING he’s ever said, remembering the times he lied before and when the truth was revealed he didn’t even seem bothered. A normal person feels embarrassed when lies are revealed, not a person like him. He believes it his right to lie, there’s a reason and it isn’t that bad anyway. He then expects trust like it’s a given right!

At these times he tells me I’m abusive to him. I probably am. Telling him I hate him daily, how disgusting he is, cheating and lying constantly. He would flip back and say worse but then quickly be so desperate for us to not argue. He definitely could realise he was losing control, so would switch on the charm (lovebombing.)

“Baby I’ve treated you so bad, I understand why you feel like this” and “I’m going to help you” and “you are my fucking world. I can’t even look at another woman.” He was so set on making out that it’s just my insecurities this time because of his previous track record I actually believe him. I believe that ‘he didn’t know what he had to lose last time.’ I believe when he’s around because he’s a a clever good liar. When I’m not wrapped up with his lies and charms my gut knows.. underneath I’m not as stupid as I’ve appeared to be for nearly 2 years. I’m not!

A pathological liar will not change, they only get found out by someone close to them. Psychologists have often said that it is in fact a mental disorder which begins from someone with such low self esteem they are hell bent on bringing others down and making themselves seem more attractive to everyone around them. When he can talk about a job lined up or his driving test booked or another favourite of his ‘I’ve bought you (or baby) something.’ Interesting when said thing never showed, it is then another lie as to why. It’s a complicated spiral web of manipulation and it’s fucking difficult to escape.

To everyone and anyone who will listen I am the liar, and oh they will believe him. They have no reason to not when he’s this much of a liar, it’s the way he gets through life.

He may be a good liar …. but he will be found out!

Posted in Abuse, relationships, alone, baby, cheat, Company, Deceit, DomesticAbuse, Journey, single mum

Focus on the Freedom!

Posted on by KerryLouise

This time it’s going to happen!

I have changed my number. I have the police coming round this evening and an injunction is in the process of being served.

This is done!

The past 5-6 weeks have been very much like my last post. My head has been done for a very long time but my heart takes over … I feel sorry for him?! I see the bond he has with our baby! The times he is nice is like a rush of euphoria that I crave! Abuse is a drug! Times he would arrange to come see baby but then come by when she was asleep, if we spoke before hand I would tell him not to bother (he never likes that) but a handful of times he slipped the net. My loneliness ruled my head in that one!

We are back on the same cycle of multiple woman that he tries to deny, accusing me of going mad! Swearing on his mother’s life that he is not about to risk losing me again, he needs me, I’m his world blah blah! Stroking my face as I sleep, kissing me and saying those meaningless words ‘I love you so much’ !!

It’s all been too much ‘red flag’ … This is EXACTLY what he said last time ! I’ve had a rough time trying to get him to just leave me alone. He will say everything he can but I’m not stupid. Controlling everything calling me his wife, seeing our baby but making me his priority. There were many times he disappeared for 4 days and come back stinking like a homeless person, he needed a girls house to shower. That’s inevitable, so when the stinking stopped I knew!! His vindictiveness made me evil, I would scream at him how he’s dumb if he thinks this is a relationship, tell him how much of a tramp he was being, carrying knives again, dealing drugs texting me rarely only when it suited him. Again it was promises of spending more time and making everything amazing! I do not want his promises I just want to be my own person again!

He just would not accept… WE WERE OVER!

The unpleasantries would exchange then a few hours later it was like he had forgotten and he carried on calling me his beautiful wife ! Trapped!!

He’s been arrested twice in the past month, the first time was a high profile case in Northampton. I thought his time was done but nope the police have still failed to catch him doing the very thing that has destroyed him. He is so fixed on being a gangster, carrying a knife, dealing drugs, violence all what he calls ‘work’. He has really lost sight of what is important.

Then when I catch him red handed with some poor unfortunate girl! ‘You drove me too it’, ‘telling me we’re not together’ ‘telling me you hate me’ and let’s not forget his favourite ‘I would have given you everything had you not cheated on me when I was in jail.’ Again EXACTLY like last time .. sorry last 2 times!! Let’s not forget the ‘why are you embarrassing yourself , we haven’t had sex for months , this is my new girlfriend’ bullshit he screams at me whilst the poor girl is in the room with him!

The difference this time, I didn’t expect any different. I didn’t want a future with him, I lay next to him and think how much I despise him. Flashbacks of historical situations where he treated me so bad, there is no way I could forget .. maybe forgive but never forget! Furthermore , I do not want a drug dealer as a boyfriend. I don’t want someone who talks AT me , when something bad as happened with his road life I would bare the brunt ‘I don’t want to fucking talk right now I’m in a mood’.

On the 14th September he woke me up by throwing stones, again I was weak! Looking down at him he looked harmless, he pleaded for me to help him, how he had been beaten up and all he wanted was me. I let him in but forced him in the shower. He stank! The morning came, I was off out early and he slowed up this process. I wasn’t feeling great and he expected the upmost gratitude for being there to ‘help me’. I was ungrateful and a Dickhead apparently. He complained that I didn’t care he had been attacked …. why would I ? It’s like he suddenly expected me to want him … telling him I didn’t only caused more abuse. I got a punch in the leg that morning and I remember covering my face fearing a mark. He took my glasses off ready! I tried to leave but he pulled me back and stole my keys off me. I didn’t fight it. I should have called the police then.

16th September and our babies first birthday. I think most recently I’ve been more emotional thinking about this time last year. The pain he caused and the happiness he stole from me! I had not seen him since the evening of the 14th where he begged me to be able to come back and stay…. I said no and didn’t react to his pleas or strops! When he showed up at her party I wanted him gone .. he took me out the back… poked me in my stomach. Told me he didn’t give a shit what my family thought and I was playing the victim. The ONLY way I knew how to calm him down was cuddle, kiss and say ‘were together’, he then played a big charade. I was again being controlled, if I didn’t kiss him he would kick off. I had to ride it out! For the sake of our baby. Then the thought of spending her birthday evening alone made me weak again , he then didn’t leave my side and did not leave my flat until the following Tuesday morning. Saturday night and Sunday was nice I can’t lie. I explained that Sunday’s like that was all I wanted. Not his drug dealing and leaving me all alone!! The 36 hour fairytale didn’t last obviously and on Monday morning he assaulted me bad, again he wanted to keep my keys. He had no phone, and I wanted so bad to keep my control with my own property keys!! I lost that control and also received an excruciating pain in my left rib! Never has he ever hit me that hard!! Why didn’t I go to the police then ?

Monday night he was a saint! He watched Ariana in the evening and ‘took care of’ me whilst I struggled to do the basics due to my injury. He left me Tuesday morning and I was so glad to see the back of him!

I didn’t care he had no phone! I didn’t care he didn’t contact me. This just gave me more ammunition to cut him OUT! Thursday he called, I hung up! He messaged on his friends snapchat with his new number I deleted it! Friday I missed a call and again Saturday ! I was doing well! Sunday came and I seeked out his new number, like a addict seeking money for their next fix!

I heard his voice. I heard his pleas and his words of ‘you are so beautiful Kerry like really beautiful, no one in Northampton compares to you. You are special.’ There was my fix, he wanted to come see me..I had the control. I declined, I actually didn’t want to see him just wanted to hear that!

Monday I had texts to the same effect and then on Tuesday when he found out I was going to Ibiza he was VILE. I knew he was hurting, I knew he was jealous. His mum heard everything he was saying on speakerphone and she even spoke to him where he was like a lost little damaged hurt boy. He’d lost control over my actions and that PAINS him! Despite him screaming he would never touch me again after my trip he ended up in my bed the night I got back and then again the following night which was his birthday. Fuck sake I had given in again! I had to get some distance again !!!

All week he had made plans with himself to come over. Let’s have a nice evening he would say .. I politely declined and then I was abused ! Vile nasty words that are unexplainable. The effect they have on me are more damaging than any punch or slap! By Wednesday he turned up at my door and the company was all I wanted .. not him. I was then too tired for the abuse and we had a nice evening. He then got it in his head he was moving back in.. we would do more together and it would all be ok. Asked me when I would next see him. Saturday.. ffs !! All day Saturday I spent telling him to not come, I hated him, I didn’t trust him. We were over… then when he turned nasty I gave in again!

That’s when I went through his phone. Him laying next to me reminded me of the last time it kicked off hard.. the time I went to the police and had multiple injuries which subsequently saw him serve 28 days in jail. My gut was screaming he’s slept with someone else and my gut is ALWAYS right! He held me tight! So tight I couldn’t breathe! Screaming I was mad! Screaming that I was his everything. I didn’t believe him I knew! I didn’t care , I just wanted him to admit it and stop torturing me! Why keep lying? Why try so hard to keep me!?

I cried a lot that night and morning, my phone was hidden in case something came up that he disliked and I longed for the moment he left! Initially I declined sex and the stuff that came out of his mouth was insane. I was so tired I didn’t react, almost numb to it now. He let me sleep and watched Ariana and then he tried again. I didn’t want to but I did not want a repeat of earlier! Equally when we’re together and doing that.. I feel so in love. We connect so stupidly well and that drug has peaked again. As soon as it’s over my bitterness and hatred is back!

When he finally left he carried on texting , ringing ..promising me the world! I had to find away to get away! I just have too!

Luckily it came when my friend saw him with another girl the following day! This was my get away!! ‘Hi baby’ he answered the phone all cheery. He has some front! He tried to deny it! Course he did! I was smart and I took the suspect number from his phone and found out for myself. Away from her he was sad ‘I don’t know what’s wrong with me’ ‘she doesn’t compare to you’ which would soon turn into a slanging match where he was adamant I was to blame! I pushed him away!

Case closed.

All the last few months have proven are .. we cannot be amicable for our baby. His interest isn’t her, it’s me. He is dead set on making me his again and I cannot be anywhere near him. He can’t handle my standoffish ‘mind games’ he calls them and his need for a place to stay takes over. It’s not hard prick stop mentally torturing me!

This morning was hard, the screams of him saying I was embarrassing myself in front of his new woman! Swearing blind he never had sex with me Sunday! Laughing at me saying we haven’t had sex for months! This is mental abuse! I was in bits!! I need closure and I need to make him pay!

Once I’ve given the police his number I will delete it. It’s too tempting! Like an alcoholic with a bottle of vodka. I called him this evening on withheld! He never answers withheld, so he obviously knew it was me!! Said he was wrong for this morning, wanted to see me, come and see me! I told him straight come anywhere near me and I’m calling 999! I heard what I needed, he isn’t ok! I know he won’t be ok. But this time I do not care!

I plan to write a statement that sums up the past almost 2 years. These statements can be used in court. Section 76 of the serious crimes act 2015 created a new offence of a controlling or coercive behaviour in an intimate relationship. He needs to be held accountable. I will make sure of it!

These past 2 days have done wonders for my diet 😉

Posted in alone, baby, cheat, Deceit, DomesticAbuse, Fitness, Heartbreak, law, Lonely, Mistakes, pregnancy, prison, prisonwives, relationship, relationships, Singlemum

My ‘love’ back behind bars !

Posted on by KerryLouise

Took the police 5 weeks to catch up with him. 5 weeks!! I warned him he needed to do it before we had our social services meeting, despite his promises he just didn’t. Scared he was going to jail he told me. I did not think it would come to that! Just did not. 

I got myself caught back up in his cycle once again. A week before his arrest on 13th March he was promising money daily and it was so exhausting but I kept relying on it so bad so I had to go with it! ‘Let me see you both before I hand myself in please’ and ‘I need to give you your money’ , all just excuses to see me. Then once I saw him… I am weak. The Thursday morning I had had enough, promised money first thing.. countless missed calls and even one he cancelled (although he denies) and I thought enough is enough. Money my arse he won’t give me any! I sent long messages to his mother and father. I can’t lie the anxiety in my head and the visions of him ignoring me in my head was mainly what drove me too it. Reminder of before and well we know why he ignored me before!! Rather be with some dumb girl then admit to me that he doesn’t have any money. I blocked him.. fuck him! He called in the afternoon from withheld and I cancelled it 3 times. Proud! 

Friday morning he did the same but this time I listened, the sob story of how he couldn’t sleep and how he had the money etc. The usual battle of a phone call where some how he twists it to me being the one at fault. I calmed down and the afternoon I called him back in the hope I would get some money out of him. I was skint! Straight away he came to me and we went to the supermarket. A conversation before hand made me melt. The trip to the supermarket made me feel on a high, something so minor that most take for granted felt so good. Better than a drug. We looked like a normal family, happy and in love. The way he touches me, smiles and acts around our daughter. It’s all too much. The sex after this is euphoric but once again reality hits me slap in my face when he goes because he’s still wanted. Wanted for his assault on me, the pair of us are crazy! He equally should stay away from me, I could frame him for murder and he still wouldn’t stay away! 

He leaves ‘I love you,  call me later’, I don’t! I just can’t put myself through even the thought of him not answering my phone call on a Friday night. He was still blocked too. We speak on Saturday, 3 times I call him throughout the day and he answers each time. He doesn’t even KNOW how much better that makes me feel! Sunday morning he turns up at mine after his night out.. coming in at that time used to absolutely put me beside my self. Then when he stopped coming full stop I longed for those days, pathetic and not a relationship. 

Sunday morning was the last I saw of him. Again the 3 of us just chilling, then slept was ALL I wanted. All I ever wanted. Being at mine makes me anxious and so I left him to sleep and went out for the day whilst he slept his night out off. Monday morning came and I admit I knew he was coming after school run but I had a meeting at the school. I had told him but I knew he would have forgot. Finished my meeting and of course he’s pissed off. Strop city!! I kind of wish we hadn’t of left it like that but equally he needs to understand how it feels when people are not where they said they were going to be. The conversations on the phone then were completely toxic and I left him too it. See you at the meeting I screamed! 

Well I didn’t see him. He turned up late, wasn’t allowed in and I was informed he was being arrested and being recalled to prison.

My heart fucking sank. I cried. He needs to hear this I cry, what’s the point in holding this when the other parent is not even allowed to be present. The police officer in the room paints an awful picture of him based on intelligence. He looks like a real threat to his daughter, threat to me. It just all looks so terrible. Domestic abuse! Domestic violence! Drug dealing! Carrying weapons. Hearing it all, it hits home!! I still feel like my heart has been pulled out. Prison again!

That evening brings back loads of memories. He had called his mother earlier on and asked me to look in his old prison bag. I did. All my emails, cards, pictures! FFS we were so in love! What the hell happened???!!! How did we get to this! Emails I had sent where he had underlined words and sentences. Prison is a fucked up place, and it fucked him up and I did hurt him! I felt like this was what I wanted but it still didn’t feel good.

The next morning I spoke with the police officer. She was lovely and told me he was recalled only due to the fact he took so long for arrest. Not good character when on licence. I’m still yet to know how long he has but with no new offences the longest it will be is 6 weeks. This day I felt good, I felt fucking free!! I knew where he was, he couldn’t smoke, drink, shag whatever dirt box to void his feelings now. Just him , his own thoughts, memories and countless men! Perfect! 

Wednesday 15th and the last time I heard his voice. I was shocked to hear him, he sounded fine. Loving even. No blame on me at all. He’s using his charm, tells me how already he’s thinking of me moving on, can’t bare it. Asks me to be good for him and tells me if this time I am I’ll see a changed man. He gets 22 minutes call time and I do reciprocate his ‘I love you’ and ‘I miss you’ at the end of the call. I’d already sent a harsh straight to the point email by this point which he would of had the pleasure of being delivered the next day. Good! Harsh, real facts on how he has treated the woman who was there for him. Like really there for him! He needs to know! He did joke on the phone about how I must be loving this! Yes I do. I felt like I had been released from prison. Roles reversed. 

I believe he tried to call me on Tuesday, he didn’t get through so called his sister and passed on some shitty message! He got another email from me, look how he reacts after I miss one call. Yet he can ignore his phone ALL day and it’s perfectly fine and I’m made to feel like a dick for caring! He could have said hope you are all ok but no. This is him ALL over .. defensive negativeness and thinks I’m just ‘airing’ him. He’s so transparent to me now, he’s hurt because he didn’t get to speak to me! Hurt, so he attacks. 

I’ve spoke with my new social worker. I like her. She’s going to visit him inside. The whole report is very bias, paints an awful picture of him and I hold my hands up to all professionals that I have been violent. I often provoke situations and push him. I need help with my anger and I need help dealing with the events from the past year. He needs help dealing with stuff I have also put him through but I will never lose sight of how manipulative and how much he has mentally abused me when I was pregnant and then when I had a newborn. 

When he first came out of jail I was the most amazing woman on this planet apparently. He wanted to marry me. Confusing him when I was honest about my infidelity the weekend before he came home just blew up massively in my face. He blamed EVERYTHING on that. The reason he was risking his freedom was all my fault. If he had just held a job down, kept away from his wasteman friends and stepped away from that road trap life we would NOT be here today! 

The whole year has ALL been because I did not tolerate his choices. His illegal activities that of cause he gaslighted me and made out it wasn’t happening. He thinks I was born yesterday, driving him around to ‘pick stuff up from his bredrin’, finding cash on him. The begging, the pleading, the promises he made that it wasn’t on a big scale. He wasn’t touching anything apparently. I was always always so petrified he’d end up back in jail. My uncooperation which led to constant rows sent him to be the cheating animal he became! Of course he’d pick a 19 year old not bothered about his lifestyle over me giving him constant headache! Of course!! 

It’s now, now or never. This short time inside could be the blessing he needed to be a proper father and have a decent relationship with his beautiful little baby girl. That life he is in deep in ain’t worth the life he’s currently living. Friday night and banged up in a cell since 4pm. If this doesn’t show him his daughter is worth more, then NOTHING WILL! 

Posted in baby, cheat, Deceit, DomesticAbuse, Lonely, love, relationships, singlemum

Argggghhhhhhhhh….

Posted on by KerryLouise

Day 3 without seeing him, why am I feeling crazy?? I’ve done this before .. ! 

Woke up this morning feeling sad, just wanted to call him. I told myself I needed to go the whole day.. Then he calls. For fuck sake! He misses me, he’s gone too far this time, he isn’t giving up. I think he will, it is going to take time for him to even seek help let alone fight for this. He’s still obviously wanted, police came for a welfare check today. Have I heard from him? No I say. What’s his mobile number? I’ve deleted it I lie. 

The longer they take to catch up with him the more likely it is women like myself just don’t want to go through with it. Last time I dropped it because I genuinely thought it did what I wanted the effect to have. I had got away from him, calling the police wasn’t a waste of time in my eyes. It had the desired effect. I was too weak though and 2 weeks later the anger had gone and the love was back! 

I made the decision to block him this evening, when he texts I am anxious to reply. When he doesn’t text I want to text him. Blocking helps me psychologically, I can feel content knowing he will try and contact but when I don’t respond he is being punished more than by me responding and promising everything will be ok. I’ve told him he needs to answer the social worker in order to see his daughter. I bet he still hasn’t. Well his loss and he cannot blame me when he doesn’t see her. 

How the fuck did my life become this?? 

Posted in alone, baby, cheat, Deceit, DomesticAbuse, Girltalk, Heart, Heartbreak, Lonely, love, relationship, relationships, sex, Singlemum

I have an addiction..

Posted on by KerryLouise

.. And I can see that now. That addiction is in the form of a man. A man who has treated me so so badly yet I cannot for the life of me seem to break the cycle. I love him. I love him too much. 

My last post showed some strength. He went to London that night and a week later he was in my bed again. Oh my GOD what a night.. We didn’t get any sleep and we had passionate amazing intimate sex all night. It wasn’t my plan, no way was it! I had gone 2 weeks not doing that with him and that was literally the longest time. To anyone who doesn’t understand how these types of relationships work 2 weeks may seem pathetic but for me it was a big step. 

Having his phone number blocked and changing my number was also a big step but the Friday after I sent him on his way he got my number from his sisters phone. We facetimed, he saw his baby and he looked sad. Sad and lost and gutted about how everything had turned out. Told me I looked beautiful and how he had missed us. There were a few disagreements throughout the day but so irrelevant now I can’t go into them. He acts that way when he doesn’t get his own way! Angry, aggressive , I was called a dirty little tramp but that’s minor to what I’ve been called in the past. We didn’t part the conversation on bad terms though and he asked me to call him the next day, I said maybe. I didn’t ! (Another big step) I woke up to texts from his sisters phone , his number was still blocked and I was strong and didn’t reply. That afternoon he called from a number I didn’t know and explained he had been calling and texting etc and that he was coming back that night. ‘OMG’ my heart dropped. I made a promise to myself I wouldn’t ring again and I wouldn’t get anxious about the time he would show but I couldn’t help it. Back to previous rows about his inability to judge time and how long it would take him to get here. I needed to calm down, this man no longer rules my life. He eventually showed, 2 hours later than he originally stated but he was there. Sweet talking, led to me feeling weak and vulnerable. Once again I found myself in his arms, staring into his eyes and having absolutely no self control. It feels so right because it is just completely so wrong and so forbidden. 

I felt OK the next day. He made comments about how he was so scared that he thought he had really lost me, I made it clear he didn’t have me back but let’s be honest he knows he’s still got me. He promised his timing, his support, his contact and everything else was going to prove to me that he wants me. He wants us and all the previous shit he has put me through was just him getting completely lost in a oblivion of drink and his problem with cannabis. 

It was good for 2 weeks, early for his time with Ariana. Spent time with me, watching films having a laugh and being with Ariana together as well as watching her whilst I got to go to the gym and pop into town. The Sunday after he even broke down to me saying how he can’t do it anymore he needs me back properly and he cannot cope without me. I cradled him like a baby, assuring him things will be ok we both just need more time. He got in touch with his feelings and explained how strong I am, how he can’t believe what he’s put me through and that he would never cope if I had left him to be with someone else. He often said please let me home, told me it would ease me. Times without him sent me angry sometimes, he would get abusive texts from me which he took on the chin and explained that he knew he had to take it. Wanted to be around me more so I wouldn’t over think about all the bad stuff. I still wasn’t ready for that. 

During this time I started to convince myself that maybe I am addicted to this drama. The chaos that this relationship brings. I don’t want boring, I can’t do boring and knowing full well I would end up with him but just didn’t want to put that label on it just yet! I had been talking to other men, nothing real not really but last Thursday night he showed his true colours once more after seeing a text message from one particular guy. When that guy then sent me flowers the next day that didn’t bode well either. 

Is he serious ? I won’t ever be loyal he screamed. “As usual I’m the one with men on my phone!” Look what he’s put me through in regards to other girls, hearing them in the background where he’s openly admitted that he’s with them. Two wrongs don’t make a right he would say…. Funny when it’s him ‘getting revenge’ then that’s ok.

Saturday was an amazing day for us both. He spoke about how when he was inside and he just longed to touch me, he took it for granted and he wasn’t going to anymore. Told me no other woman makes him feel the way I do and he loves how we can just be silly together. Best sex of his life it is, talking about how we just fit so perfect and I have to agree. In the bedroom we are so compatible. The fantasy of me and him changed when he couldn’t find his hat, he kicked off. Blaming me again, indirectly of course because that’s what abusers do. Using words to make me feel like I am to blame yet when I stand up to him he twists it to that I’m going crazy. Hat finding then developed into me rubbing it in his face regarding other men. My flowers were seen chucked across the room and my phone once again hidden. I got my phone back but he didn’t want to talk, he ignored my calls and so I gave up and went to my friends. I was upset, why act so irrational?! It’s been going so well. Familiar behaviour I’ve witnessed so many times before. He then began trying to call me, texting me …  I ignored him for a change. How dare he go on like he did earlier?! All that was meant to have stopped ! 

5:30am he called and I answered. I let him in and he explained that he just gets so jealous. He cannot bare me with anyone else and he just wants me to himself. Again the sex is incredible, he performs oral sex for the first time in months. That’s a big deal for him, and I 100% believe him that I am still the only woman he’s ever done that too. We share a shower together after I went for my run and I’m feeling once again on a high on that rollercoaster. 

That’s until I received a message on Facebook, from one of the girls I saw on his phone before. He told me she was someone he cheated on that other girl with when we broke up, but the conversation I had with her showed me he had tried to start things up again. They had indeed met back in September once again showing me the girl he went off with he definitely didn’t care about anymore than just a place to stay. This man is insane, so insecure that by not having me properly and seeing me have other men to speak to he just HAS to do the same! I’m so numb to him with others now I don’t react… Boy but he does. Takes my phone, smashes it off the floor because of the conversation with the man who sent me flowers. Acting like a man possessed. My phone completely smashed up and yet he’s still spewing venom at me. I’m being a snake, being a stalker, how I’m not being loyal anyway. Once again all my fault. My phone!!! I was so angry!! How is it ok for him to continue the way he does but I have a few texts and some flowers sent and I’m the one punished !! 

The next 24 hours are crucial. He doesn’t leave me alone. He calls the girl and tells her to delete his number, tells her he’s sorry but he wants and loves me. (He’s never done that before!) Its a continuous exhausting back and forth arguments, where he would say sorry and beg and plead. I find out he saw her the night before my birthday. I JUST KNEW IT! He is incapable of being loyal. He needs all these girls to feed his big ego. I agree with him our sex life has got better again, I’m sure it’s due to my body springing back. I am definitely more confident and of course looking and feeling better and he said how he made a mistake after the flowers but woke up with feelings of regret Saturday morning. Really? Really now?! 

Sunday night sees me unable to sleep next to him. So angry he can smash up my phone, shout abuse after everything he’s done to me and still doing just won’t leave my head. I’m telling him he’s disgusting, how he makes me sick. I want to hurt him when he turns those words back on me… How fucking dare he?! He should be taking this, not trying to undermine my loyalty. “Oh and you’re miss perfect are you?” Sends me fucking angry. I try hit him, he gets the better of me once again. I have bruises! I have a hole in my living room wall. He just cannot cannot see things from my perspective. 

I went to the police again, his violence has got worse. He hasn’t learnt shit. It’s so so scary how well he can lie. The shower we shared where he promised no other woman since we split, he hasn’t dared apparently. Fucking bullshit. Then he can say ‘well I am single’ … SO AM I!!! Yet I still have a broken phone and mashed up flowers! 

Yesterday I began regretting calling that woman with him present. If I had waited my phone wouldn’t have been smashed and I wouldn’t have got so angry by the double standards. I was provoking him through the night but I just could not cope with him being able to sleep after the day we had had. This recent bird wasn’t the problem it was his actions ! Even after the phone smashing, the arguments we still had sex. Insane!! Then he would cuddle me and I would feel sick and angry again. 

I have to not blame myself though. He made the choice to smash up my phone. He made the choice to go to her on Friday night in response to some fucking flowers. He has done so so much that it was bound to come to blows eventually. 

We’ve spoke since, he knows there is a warrant out for his arrest. He’s cried again, even before he left me he kissed all my bruises ‘that wasn’t me’ he would explain. But it is and it isn’t right. 

I’m reading a book. It’s giving me strength, I’ve been a victim of domestic abuse for 12 months and I am not afraid to admit it. I can relate so much to everything in the book and although I love him I know I cannot deal with it for any longer. I will send myself mental. A friend told me of a statistic that shows a high proportion of women in asylum are actually there due to emotional and psychological from abusive partners. I can see that!

Due to the police involvement the school have been working closely with me. Today we had a meeting which was scheduled even before the recent episode. At times I felt criticised by the 6 professionals sat around me but they all assured me that I am an amazing mum and I left the meeting feeling good.

The social worker has recommended no direct contact with him. They can all see how much I love him too and how it’s likely I will go back to him but right now it isn’t healthy for me or my children. They are right. They explained that they have seen men in the school that have changed after professional intervention but I know full well I shouldn’t get my hopes up. I need to have some little hope though to get myself through this. 

Right now I’m concentrating on educating myself about abusive men, reminding myself of what I have been through and knowing that with or without him I will eventually be happy. I have my beautiful children, I have the rest of my life. I will use this experience in some way to turn it into a positive. I want to write my book and focus on my career. Experiences are what moulds us! 

I wish I didn’t love him so much! 

Posted in alone, cheat, Company, Deceit, Detox, Parenting, relationship, relationships, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum, Weight, weightloss, Women

Getting there .. 

Posted on by KerryLouise

Last night I couldn’t believe the difference a week had made. I saw him yesterday but I stayed very strong. The week before I was still waiting on him to move heaven on earth for me after yet another cheating episode. Then when it got to the evening and I knew he went back to hers I felt so angry, betrayed, sick and full of hate. Last night I didn’t even WANT to call him. 

I saw him out Saturday night he was his usual psycho self. One minute telling me how much he’s fucking missed me, needs me, would laugh with me and then the next screaming at me about things I can’t even remember. Strangers even spotted his volatile behaviour. I was worried for his safety, I know how bouncers and things can get but he certainly didn’t want my help so I walked home and buzzer went on private. It took a lot of strength to walk home and leave him, I can’t lie. 

Sunday came and I got my mate to text him for me. I felt angry. How dare he kick off for me talking to some guy yet was ok for him to chat up some fat blonde thing. He contacted me via Facebook he started by being rude, telling me it was me following him around , me not letting him enjoy his night and it was all my fault AGAIN! I implied that I had been with someone else, a stupid game I know but I wanted to get to him. I knew it would. We spoke on the phone and it was pity party him again. How I never loved him, how I killed him when he was in jail, how he had to read a conversation on my iPad between me and a man. Screaming how I should have left him, he fails to see that he had that choice too and equally he can’t love me either. I put a stop to the conversation, this is all so old ground and it won’t ever be resolved and it doesn’t need to be now. It’s over.

I agreed he could pop by and grab some clothes and see Ariana. He got mad about his arrest , called me wicked for stopping him from seeing his great grandma on her birthday. As I expected. I no longer care what he has to say, I need to remind myself it’s only words and all his actions does not put him in any position to kill me with words anymore. I also know he says these things because he’s hurting and he’s angry so that’s ok too. On his head. 

Then he softened, told me I was his. How when he thought I went with someone else he was fuming. I took my pyjama bottoms off ready for my shower and I knew that that would tease him. He tried and I did what I did last time stuck to my guns and did not have sex. I didn’t fancy him when I saw him out the night before, drunk and aggressive. I did today, that needs to go. That’s what’s annoying. I’m sure once I find a new man it will. 

I don’t want to be bitter with him, it eats people up. I want to be able to be his friend. I hope he can sort his life out, but having me allow him to just keep walking all over me will not do that. He needs his own place, he needs a job and he needs to leave the streets. Time will tell . 

Posted in alone, baby, cheat, Company, Diet, DomesticAbuse, Heart, Heartbreak, intimate, life, Lonely, love, Mistakes, mother, Parenting, pregnancy, pregnant, relationship, relationships, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum

A day without crying ? 

Posted on by KerryLouise

I woke up yesterday with a sickness bug. I hate being sick. I hate it even more when I have no one around me to take care of me. It made me feel emotional, I couldn’t believe it was now entering the fourth day without contact with the ex. How was he feeling?! Does he even care? I knew he was probably playing the victim, even in his own head, guaranteed he’s still got it inside him that it’s all my fault. ‘What kind of woman gets his man locked?’ He’ll be asking.  I cast my mind back to the number of times he would just attack me with words about how I bet I would do that too him. I’m that type of girl, I’m low like that. Back then I never would, he just went TOO far. 

I did call him today from my mums phone, I know how his mind works and he’ll just be building up more hate for me if I don’t attempt contact. If I call him and ask when he wants his clothes he can’t blame me for not having them can he? He admitted he had tried to call me, used someone else’s phone and had been to the flat, that made me feel better. I asked him if I should take his clothes to that girls work place, he snapped back ‘why should you?’ He said he wasn’t staying there, last time he admitted he was staying with his new girlfriend so I have no reason to doubt him. Or do I ?! To be honest it is unlikely, unless she really is a desperate needy slag. Alarm bells would certainly ring to me if he was suddenly needing to be there all the time, despite him telling her he lives at his grandmas oh and not to mention the lies he told her even about his name. Anyway who cares, even if she doesn’t know now she’ll work it out herself. 

I asked him if he was happy, he said ‘do I sound happy?!’ I asked him if he’s missed me and he said ‘yeh I have.’ I didn’t tell him I missed him, I wasn’t going to give him that satisfaction. I felt better after the call, and I feel good this morning. 

I felt a bit low when I got in from my dads last night. I told them how I got myself in a cycle where he was the one to make me feel so low and drill me into the ground but I relied on him to bring me back up again. I hate it when I miss him, because I only miss the small amounts of time it was good. I need to remember the times I felt sick when I didn’t know where he was, the anxiousness I would feel when I worry whether he’s going to show up or not. The anger I would get when his phone was off or he wouldn’t answer the calls. The disrespectfulness when he would tell me to get off his line, tell me I was a fucking dickhead, a fucking prick, a slag. He would scream at me how I wasn’t a real woman, how I made him sick to his bones, more recently how I was dead to him and how he could get any girl he wanted, where as I was old with two kids. When I was pregnant he would tell me he feels sorry for his daughter having a mother like me, how I’m constantly stressing out his daughter and I’m a mess. I could go on but it’s not necessary, this stuff is enough. 

He always manipulated everything so it was always some how my fault. We would plan a night out, a meal and some time together. He would cause an argument and tell me this was the reason he never wanted to be around me, how I was boring and I bring it all on my self. I feel sick when I look back at times when he clearly went off with that other girl and realistically god knows how many girls there has been. He’s an animal and he’s vile and I am proud in myself that I can finally see everything he has done to me was never my fault. I justified his actions so many times and I can honestly say even if he shows me change I will never ever get over what he’s done to me. Destroyed me, abused me and trampled all over me during a time when I needed a man. A real man. 

I am out tonight, he said he would show up today to get some clothes. I hope he doesn’t, the buzzer is still on private and I’ll try go out this afternoon. My gorgeous princess slept from 9:30pm – 6am and right now she’s happily sat in her chair talking to herself. I’m the real winner, I have so much love in my daughters and my whole life ahead of me. What the hell does he have?! 

I reckon I can go the whole of today with no tears and I really cannot wait to go out tonight. 

Posted in alone, baby, cheat, Company, Deceit, Diet, DomesticAbuse, Heart, Heartbreak, Journey, life, Lonely, love, Mistakes, mother, Parenting, police, pregnancy, pregnant, prison, Prisoner, prisonwives, relationship, relationships, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum, Strength, Weight, weightloss, Women

How am I feeling? 

Posted on by KerryLouise

The question on all my friends and families lips right now… how do you answer such a question when each hour my feelings change so much ?

I feel weak, then remind myself what he’s put me through and realise weak I am definitely not. My world was falling apart when my baby was just 2 weeks old and I had found out about his other life! But I stayed strong for my newborn and my eldest daughter. Continued to breastfeed although the pain was unreal and developed mastitis twice. Bills were still payed and my babies were happy! That is not weak!

I feel like I miss him. I miss the loving him, the side of him that would look at me like he was absolutely smitten. The way we would joke together and laugh. The way he looked at our baby and we would all just chill in bed together cooing over how gorgeous she is. His touch which would melt me and hands down give me the best sex of my life. Then remind myself relationships isn’t just about good sex (especially when you know he’s been going elsewhere too), relationships require team work. Something he used to always drill in my head, tell me I never work with him. Tell me I’m not on his page I’m in a completely different book to him (That’s rich!) and he needs a woman he can work with. Even when his sister and mother asked him what I don’t do that he needs, he walked out the room saying ‘I can’t think right now.’ Evenings he was never around, even before the cheating again. He would answer my calls though and come home, he isn’t bright to think I would notice when those things changed! I’m lonely right now without him but I was lonely with him… so what’s the difference!

I feel angry, I keep thinking about what his mum said to me over text message. Annoyed that she asked ME to remind myself of the traumatic experience we all had when he was in HMP before. Asked ME to not get him locked again. So mad that I’m once again being the one to blame if he ends up back in jail, yet he has risked his freedom every fucking day since he was released. He doesn’t listen to you ?? So why should I ?

I feel mad that his friend can tell me ‘he really loves his daughter.’ NO!! A man who loves his daughter does not choose to disappear all night when the mother of his child had a caesarean and can’t even get out of bed. A man who loves his daughter is around a lot more than he has been to help when things get a little bit too much for the woman who is caring for her. A man who loves his daughter does not take as long as he did to finally come home and get rid of whatever little fling he had previously. A man who loves his daughter does not stand me up as much as he did when we were seperated which meant he went without seeing her. A man who loves his daughter does not psychologically abuse the mother who is caring for that daughter to the point where they hyperventilate, cut themselves and bang their head against a wall to just get them to SHUT UP!! A man who loves his daughter, and apparently loves the women too DOES not choose to be laid up in another women’s bed knowing full well the psychological impact that would have on said woman caring for daughter. A man who loves his daughter DOES NOT continue dealing drugs or be involved in violence relating to such crime in fear that they’d end up in prison and that daughter then has to grow up without a daddy. DO NOT TELL ME he LOVES his daughter …. I love MY daughter. I show real love !

I feel sad that I gave him that many chances, believed him 100 million times that it was us he wanted, that he would change his ways and now it’s literally got so past breaking point that he’s not allowed near me. He will have to arrange contact for his daughter via a contact centre and that social services are also involved. I gave him many opportunities to do this as just friends, do this seperated but that just wasn’t good enough for him either. He was ok to act single but I wasn’t and he would drill into me how I’ll always be his! Them times I believed him, I didn’t want anyone else, still so sure he’d come good. Even after the cheating this time he made me agree that I would try again in the future, let him prove it to me properly. That didn’t last, since he was back to his old tricks of going between me and another girl AGAIN!

I feel bitter that this new girl has probably believed him. What a low class female she is! Accepting a man you’ve known 2 weeks, told you a fake name and cheated on his missus and baby with you! Well I have certainly more self respect than you my love and I just sleep at night knowing he’ll cause you more shit than he’s really worth!

I feel better! Getting this all out, I feel loads better!

Posted in cheat, court, Deceit, Detox, Diet, exercise, Fitness, Heart, Heartbreak, Lonely, love, police, prison, prisonwives, relationship, relationships, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum, Strength, Weight, weightloss, Women

I was desperate

Posted on by KerryLouise

So many emotions , so little calories consumed and many tears. He did come home after day 6, denying he was at the girls house. He came in at 2am, I stuck to my word and did not succumb to his sorrys and pleas. I would not fall for it again and have sex with him, knowing how I would feel less than 2 hours later. Need some self respect. I’m not saying nothing happened, he was touching me and kissing me but I would not let him get what he wanted. This didn’t bode well, the vileness started, and it’s crazy but sitting here and I feel so numb and tired to things he was saying I can’t even remember! He definitely blamed me for keeping my eldest daughter off school as she was sick, telling me I’m not thinking about baby. Told me I was a joke for having coconut oil but never using it on my baby. Said how he was on to my friend and so I should watch myself when I’m in town and moving on to any man. Picking at me for not being the real loyal true woman he needed.

Then it changed, laughing and joking how he needs me, how my sex is the best he’s ever had. That no way will he allow anyone else to have me. Promised he wasn’t at her house till 2am, he came home to me because he wants me. I’m smarter though, he knew about the text I had sent her, told me I was embarrassing. Asking me what was wrong with me. I then see another new text on his phone from her and it made it even clearer. She believed him over me AGAIN. I REFUSE to be caught up with another love triangle , my mindset changed completely. I wanted this over, this all ended. I needed peace and quiet not his awful attitude lies and constant circle I’ve experienced for the past YEAR!! My phone had disappeared and I just knew he had it. My only hope right now , as he just wasn’t leaving but constantly in my face poking my head and not leaving me alone, was to use Facebook to message my sisters to call the police. I meant it this time … GAME OVER!

Police came and I broke down to the nice female officer. I showed her a huge bruise on my knee and it was enough to have him arrested for assault. At least I knew he’d be locked for a few hours with only his own thoughts. Let him be the one unable to get hold of me for a change! Let him just lay there not being able to talk to anyone because that’s how I’ve been for so long! Kept so much to myself trying to protect him.

He came to me at 3am this morning. Foolishly let him in in the hope he’d give me my phone back. He didn’t and it was oh so easy to not fall for his charm, the nastiness outweighed the charm this time.

Went from telling me he’s addicted to me and can’t lose me to him pushing me in my mouth so I hit my head on the radiator. Then he would say sorry and how he promises to change and would stop dealing just to keep me, my response that it was too late turned him sour again. Told me that it was me preventing him from moving on because I was messaging people ‘fucking up his shit.’ Sorry but I’m pretty sure you can’t move on whilst your still sleeping with me and you have a new girlfriend who thinks your name is Donovan and you leave hers to go ‘do a shot’ and don’t go back to her to just then come to me! He’s a mental character and it is now definitely the end of our road!

He left without telling me where my phone was. He enjoyed keep telling me different places and knowing full well it wasn’t there and would just watch me scramble to wherever he said. Just a bully!

I got it out of him today and luckily I have my phone back. This evening I’ve had his mum pleading that I drop the charges. Trying to say it’s both of us, we are both to blame and we are not being mature. I replied with anger, NO WAY will I continue to sugar coat this and pretend it’s normal. I will not take blame for this anymore nor will I feel bad if he ends up back in jail! I’ve been in jail this past year, my heart has been locked, he has had his control and now it’s time for my release date.

10th January 2017 … my new life starts now!

Posted in alone, baby, cheat, Company, Deceit, Detox, exercise, Fitness, Heart, Heartbreak, Ibiza, Journey, life, Lonely, love, Mistakes, mother, Parenting, relationship, relationships, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum, Strength, Uncategorized, Weigh, Weight, weightloss, Women

Day 5

Posted on by KerryLouise

Woke up at my friends house and felt quite strong. I think it surprised her and we spoke about it. I agreed that him not having anyone made it easier but equally I’ve learnt from the last time! 

I went home about midday and I was greeted by the vile character again. Moaning how I had woke him up! Ummm excuse me ? Your lucky you had a bed to sleep in! He began by saying I did push him, shifting the blame AGAIN! Saying some of the words I had said stuck in his head, reminded me of the day we had an argument and he was eating in the cafe she worked in. That’s the day he got her number. That made me sick !! 

I kept asking why so cold? Why so calculated and pre-meditated? Not even trying to cover it up by disappearing completely on me. Like one night he text me at 3am saying ‘baby I’m coming now I only love and want you’ … and never came!! What makes someone click like that?? He doesn’t know! He told me it hadn’t registered yet .. that we were over. Hasn’t hit him. He tried to have sex with me, he was close but I stayed strong. 

My sister wanted to call him last night. She came over for some wine, she helped me a lot. Just the company and the laughs. His phone was off , she then text her … not sure yet if she got a response. I laid awake a lot assuming she’s let him back in. She seemed very sure when she spoke to me, laughing at him in fact, apologising to me. But hey I know how good he is with his words.. ‘this is what I needed to get away’, ‘I’ll prove it to you’ , ‘let me just stay until I get somewhere,’ who knows what he’s said. God his words make me sick. Fake fraudulent person! 

Even if she has had him back, I won’t be fighting for his attention this time. I’ll just be glad that someone else has to put up with his bullshit. His coming and going as he pleases. His lack of support financially. His boyish behaviour!! She can deal with it all… she can fight for his attention because let’s face it. He won’t leave me alone, he never will. 

I’m actually excited. My baby isn’t just 2 weeks old this time. She’s nearly 4 months. I can have a social life and I am going too. I’m going to go to Ibiza this year again, to which he said ‘no fucking way.’ I’m going to date and meet people ! I’m buzzing! We have our holiday booked, told him we would still go. If he doesn’t pay though, I won’t and I’ll see if a friend will come instead. His fucking loss!! 

Under my calorie goal again, although once again drank wine. 

Life will be good!