Category: Journey

Posted in baby, Diet, DomesticAbuse, exercise, Heartbreak, Journey, Recovering from abuse, relationship, Singlemum, weightloss

“Lovebombing”

Posted on by KerryLouise

There was a post from a lady on one of the domestic abuse groups I’m in. I could so relate “I’ve told him it’s over, but he’s in prison and he’s ringing me telling me he loves me and he will change.” Been there done that! The way the do it is soooo convincing. Every bloody time I genuinely thought well this time is different because of this this and that. It’s crazy insane when I look back.

Throughout my relationship with my babies father I was so confused as to why he made out so badly that he loved me. Couldn’t let me go. After every vile row, every promise he broke, every time he disappeared and every time he cheated. Even the last time I saw him at court! He acted so sincere, so desperate, so scared, so so in love, he seemed angry with himself and he made me feel incredibly loved. Everyone on the post was saying “he’s love bombing you” and the descriptions of lovebombing repeated throughout.

It’s a manipulation tactic to make you feel charmed, loved and a way to reel you back in. It’s their way to hook you. When they lovebomb it’s virtually impossible to not get sucked back in. It was like a drug. I always described it as an alcoholic having a bottle of vodka screaming saying ‘drink me’, it was like far too easy to get sucked back. My head would be screaming no but my body doing differently.

I genuinely believed him. More recently when he was in my presence I loved him, believed him, (apart from when he was shouting at me) but my head would be screaming ‘no he’s lying’, ‘he’s done this before’ but I was given no choice. All four women I outed him on, even before me finding out and he would swear. He would be so convincing, he would lovebomb me to the point where I would question my own integrity, my own sanity and have no choice but to just ‘go with it’ then as soon as he left again, I hated him. I didn’t believe him. I didn’t trust him AT ALL. This time round he seemed even more bothered that I didn’t believe him, so of course that sent my mind in overdrive some more. When all the time he was lying, lying so well and so coldly. A narcissist never feels guilty about his lies but only turns them back round on you. “Bet you’re happy now you can open your dirty legs to the men in your phone” and “what did you expect” and oh his favourite “all I know is if you hadn’t of wronged me when you was in jail I would have given you my world.”

I went on a long walk today and still so many vivid scenarios in my head. The lovebombing, then the lies being revealed, they go over and over. I get angry, I feel pure anger. It’s awful. I still wonder what he’s thinking and what’s going through his head. I’m sure he doesn’t feel bad for how he’s treated me, or how he’s destroyed every bone in my body, no course not. Asshole.

Anyway aside from my long walk and the bad feelings, I’ve had a good day. I got my nails done, bought some new items and chilled with friends in the evening. My daily glads!

I’m glad my nails look so nice with the heat colour changing nail polish.

I’m glad my Timberlands were £122 from £175

I’m glad I chose my daughter some trainers and they were also reduced when I paid for them

I’m glad my eldest daughter now has a phone after a bad person stole hers

Posted in alone, baby, Challenge, DomesticAbuse, exercise, Fitness, Girltalk, Heart, Heartbreak, Holiday, Journey, Marathon, Recovering from abuse, relationships, Singlemum, Strength, training

Oops I did it again …

Posted on by KerryLouise

…. I signed up to the half marathon in September! This time no one can get in the way of my training. It did actually pop into my head earlier about how unreliable he was.

“Baby I got you, were a team, you are my world. 100% I will be there in the morning so you can go gym. I promise you. On my life. Fully supporting you. Have faith in me man’ , morning came no sign of him. ‘yeh so what, I overslept, I can’t help it when I do the job I do my body just shuts down. I didn’t ask it too. It’s hard work you know.’ Suddenly his promise from the night before does not hold for anything, he turns aggressive and angry that anyone would dare question why he has gone back on his promise. This damages his ego, he is no longer the person he was making out to be the night before! This is a form of abuse, it’s power play, he gets someone fully reliant on him and then has no regard for that person. This complete lack of respect and control made me feel so damaged. He is an asshole. He is an abuser.

Good! Right! Needed to remind myself of them after I had just seen pics of our baby with him on our holiday. Although he was an asshole there too. I’m so tired though so will talk about that tomorrow.

So yes! Half a marathon!! It’s on. I did day 2 of the training programme app and actually hit 16,000 steps on my fit bit for the first time in months!!

I aim for a big walk tomorrow.

Watch this space

Xx

Posted in Diet, DomesticAbuse, exercise, Fitness, Girltalk, Heart, Heartbreak, Journey, life, Lonely, love, Recovering from abuse, relationships, Singlemum, weightloss, Women

What ifs ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

Once again I fell asleep in the evening and have woke up feeling meh. I’ve been awake an hour and I’ve just been feeling really negative. So I need to switch that up! The negatives is of course him, and also the thinking of ‘what ifs’. I would never ever wish my daughter away, I literally cannot even describe my love for the 2 baby girls I have sleeping in the room next to me. BUT when you’ve been all through I have it’s hard to not think about how different things could have been. These two do make it all worth it though.

He was literally so disgusting to me pregnant, so so vile. The asshole took all my beautiful experience away from me because he was wrapped up in his own fuckery. I hate him for that. I doubt I will have anymore children and he ruined it! I never ever ever want to be that vulnerable again, that person again. I look back and see me pregnant, see me holding my new baby and I can feel the pain I was feeling. I can still feel it all. How fucking dare he make me feel like that. When I think like that I wish nothing more than him to just disappear forever. I never want to ever see his disgusting self again. EVER!

However my promise to myself in 2018 was to do my “daily glads” especially if I am feeling low….

I am glad for what he put me through as I won’t ever stand for ANYTHING like it ever again.

I am glad that I have my beautiful charming sweet funny baby girl and her amazing kind big sister

I am glad I got to the gym today and operation “be the best version of me” is on

I am glad I got to speak to M even though his battery died, he listens to all my feelings and in fact encourages me to speak

I am glad for POF 😂 – I met M on there and also a new guy I have been speaking too.

I am glad for my job, which with only 2 days in I have hit half my target for the month.

I am glad for the extension uni gave me for my assignments

I am glad for being me- no really I am!

The new guy I have been talking too is a personal trainer, he told me I am very critical of myself but also understands why that is. However I did tell him that I was the same before I met my ex, he believes he can help change that. He tells me I am stunning, he even watched my Facebook live video (and I looked hideous ha). I am quite interested in where this one is going to go, however I must not read too much into anything. I have learnt you can’t trust anyone however I shouldn’t shut people out or write them off as liars and narcissists just yet. He knows what I have been through so that makes a difference, I think. I hope! I’ve been speaking to a woman who has had a very similar experience as me and she said the new guy she is seeing is very supportive so there is hope.

I took photos today of myself. I want my toned self back 💪🏼

Posted in DomesticAbuse, Fitness, Journey, Parenting, Singlemum, Women

Preparation, plan, focus!

Posted on by KerryLouise

I’ve only just started writing in my 2018 diary, transferring the stuff over from my old one to my new one. Today hasn’t been as structured as I would have liked. I slept until late and before I knew it it was 2pm. I have applied for an extension on my essays, I’m hoping I have good grounds what with the non-molestation order and everything else. That being said I still need to read the designated reading! Get focused!

My exercise has hit my goal – over 8,000 steps ✅ and no caffeine ✅. I enjoyed a peppermint tea and water!

My book is taking a back seat for a while. I have written 20,000 words and I am now moving on to the chapters about spotting red flags, how to get out and how the process afterwards. I have wrote 3 pages of notes since last night which I will go back to when I feel ready to write again. Today I have had more women reach out to me, oh and including one on New Year’s Eve in my Facebook group. I did a ‘introduce me’ thread and it’s crazy how much is so so similar, especially around the infidelity, love triangles and gaslighting.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is SUCH a big topic. My experiences of being in a relationship with one is never ending, and I also want to write in a way that keeps readers engaged to the end. Shorter blogs are better, I know many of mine are far too long.

I have had an angry day today. Realising I can’t claim on my insurance for the phone he definitely lost or the phone I suspect he stolen. My poor daughter loses out because of him. Luckily her dad has a phone I just need to get the screen fixed so that calmed me down slightly. Let’s remember what is going on here, emotions are crazy anyway after a break up of a relationship, let alone when the break up is with someone who is a narcissist. I am thankful for the no contact, it does make things 1000x easier.

One thing that no contact does do, is give you a big slap of realisation. Realising exactly how much he did, how much he controlled, how evil and vile he really was. This is hard to accept and deal with. I loved this man, I loved him with all my heart and soul. I think back to, or read back on my blogs and in the past his letters too from when he was in jail. Tiny steps .. was fooled, he got me exactly where he wanted me, my judgement was so so wrong and recognising this makes me angry some more. How dare he do all he’s done to me. How dare he. I find myself revisiting points in my life and remember thinking I knew what was going on but now I question every single thing he ever said to me. All the desperate lies, the projection and lack of regard for my feelings at all. All this trauma is stupidly hard to deal with.

Again even the reasons why it’s so hard after is a massive subject so I will do a little bit each day. It will help with my time management too.

Ok I must read a chapter from my EU law book, try for an early night as tomorrow is going to hurt getting up at 7am 😩😩

Posted in Abuse, relationships, DomesticAbuse, Heartbreak, Journey, life, Mistakes, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum, Strength

A Queen will always turn pain into power

Posted on by KerryLouise

I can’t even explain how good it feels to not have that constant awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. It was wearing me down, wearing me down so bad.

Imagine hearing the bull shit I love you’s whilst still being disrespected and still hoping for the man to step up and be a father. I think about where he might be and I don’t care. Trap yard no doubt or with the ‘partner’ he denied and also disrespected. Having no contact completely was literally the only way. The longer it goes on the clearer I see. He wasn’t letting me go for shit, despite what any bullshit he tells anyone else he was not!! Constantly promising me a dream and should I deny that dream abused me some more.

Reading my old blogs from pregnancy, even BEFORE I found out about ANY infidelity I wrote about how I couldn’t forgive him. This post back in September 2016 9 days to gooooo ! When I didn’t even realise I was being abused. All that nice him is an abusers trait called ‘love bombing’ or ‘hoovering’ . I will do a chapter on that in my book. July 2016 1st July ! Another post where I’m clearly so miserable and so unhappy. All because of him. I don’t want to be bitter but I dislike him to my core. Love pfft, I love the dream he faked, the promises he never kept. I pity his pathetic existence on this earth, so young yet so evil.

It all really shows how unhappy I was. I wasn’t even fully honest, so scared of what people would say! If I ever see him again it will be too soon. I’m so fucking proud of myself. Look at me, look what I’ve achieved! I allowed some low life abusive asshole shadow my life. Treat me so poorly, made me believe I was worthless and deserved it. Wrong mate! Wrong!

My distraction agreed to see me last night after his night out since I wanted to go to my friends instead. After I had to convince him that I would wake up, I began feeling anxious he wouldn’t come. He text saying ‘can’t wait to see you’, I felt uneasy and remembered times my abuser did that and then didn’t show. He didn’t do that though, that’s because he actually respects other people. He isn’t a narcissist sociopath like my ex, he’s sweet, caring and just a shame he’s a little young 🤭

The pain that has been caused by my ex is unmeasurable. I just knew that one day I would find that inner strength from somewhere. I kinda hoped I could get to a stage where I was not affected by his cold unpleasant words and actions. Hoping I could break free naturally without the need of court intervention but like even his mother said, if I waited until he no longer wanted me. No longer wanted to control me, I could be waiting forever. I remember that talk she had with me, ‘I had the strength and I just know you have it too.’ Funny how now she has accused me of ‘making it all up’. There is something VERY wrong with people like her!

Posted in Abuse, relationships, alone, baby, cheat, Company, Deceit, DomesticAbuse, Journey, single mum

Focus on the Freedom!

Posted on by KerryLouise

This time it’s going to happen!

I have changed my number. I have the police coming round this evening and an injunction is in the process of being served.

This is done!

The past 5-6 weeks have been very much like my last post. My head has been done for a very long time but my heart takes over … I feel sorry for him?! I see the bond he has with our baby! The times he is nice is like a rush of euphoria that I crave! Abuse is a drug! Times he would arrange to come see baby but then come by when she was asleep, if we spoke before hand I would tell him not to bother (he never likes that) but a handful of times he slipped the net. My loneliness ruled my head in that one!

We are back on the same cycle of multiple woman that he tries to deny, accusing me of going mad! Swearing on his mother’s life that he is not about to risk losing me again, he needs me, I’m his world blah blah! Stroking my face as I sleep, kissing me and saying those meaningless words ‘I love you so much’ !!

It’s all been too much ‘red flag’ … This is EXACTLY what he said last time ! I’ve had a rough time trying to get him to just leave me alone. He will say everything he can but I’m not stupid. Controlling everything calling me his wife, seeing our baby but making me his priority. There were many times he disappeared for 4 days and come back stinking like a homeless person, he needed a girls house to shower. That’s inevitable, so when the stinking stopped I knew!! His vindictiveness made me evil, I would scream at him how he’s dumb if he thinks this is a relationship, tell him how much of a tramp he was being, carrying knives again, dealing drugs texting me rarely only when it suited him. Again it was promises of spending more time and making everything amazing! I do not want his promises I just want to be my own person again!

He just would not accept… WE WERE OVER!

The unpleasantries would exchange then a few hours later it was like he had forgotten and he carried on calling me his beautiful wife ! Trapped!!

He’s been arrested twice in the past month, the first time was a high profile case in Northampton. I thought his time was done but nope the police have still failed to catch him doing the very thing that has destroyed him. He is so fixed on being a gangster, carrying a knife, dealing drugs, violence all what he calls ‘work’. He has really lost sight of what is important.

Then when I catch him red handed with some poor unfortunate girl! ‘You drove me too it’, ‘telling me we’re not together’ ‘telling me you hate me’ and let’s not forget his favourite ‘I would have given you everything had you not cheated on me when I was in jail.’ Again EXACTLY like last time .. sorry last 2 times!! Let’s not forget the ‘why are you embarrassing yourself , we haven’t had sex for months , this is my new girlfriend’ bullshit he screams at me whilst the poor girl is in the room with him!

The difference this time, I didn’t expect any different. I didn’t want a future with him, I lay next to him and think how much I despise him. Flashbacks of historical situations where he treated me so bad, there is no way I could forget .. maybe forgive but never forget! Furthermore , I do not want a drug dealer as a boyfriend. I don’t want someone who talks AT me , when something bad as happened with his road life I would bare the brunt ‘I don’t want to fucking talk right now I’m in a mood’.

On the 14th September he woke me up by throwing stones, again I was weak! Looking down at him he looked harmless, he pleaded for me to help him, how he had been beaten up and all he wanted was me. I let him in but forced him in the shower. He stank! The morning came, I was off out early and he slowed up this process. I wasn’t feeling great and he expected the upmost gratitude for being there to ‘help me’. I was ungrateful and a Dickhead apparently. He complained that I didn’t care he had been attacked …. why would I ? It’s like he suddenly expected me to want him … telling him I didn’t only caused more abuse. I got a punch in the leg that morning and I remember covering my face fearing a mark. He took my glasses off ready! I tried to leave but he pulled me back and stole my keys off me. I didn’t fight it. I should have called the police then.

16th September and our babies first birthday. I think most recently I’ve been more emotional thinking about this time last year. The pain he caused and the happiness he stole from me! I had not seen him since the evening of the 14th where he begged me to be able to come back and stay…. I said no and didn’t react to his pleas or strops! When he showed up at her party I wanted him gone .. he took me out the back… poked me in my stomach. Told me he didn’t give a shit what my family thought and I was playing the victim. The ONLY way I knew how to calm him down was cuddle, kiss and say ‘were together’, he then played a big charade. I was again being controlled, if I didn’t kiss him he would kick off. I had to ride it out! For the sake of our baby. Then the thought of spending her birthday evening alone made me weak again , he then didn’t leave my side and did not leave my flat until the following Tuesday morning. Saturday night and Sunday was nice I can’t lie. I explained that Sunday’s like that was all I wanted. Not his drug dealing and leaving me all alone!! The 36 hour fairytale didn’t last obviously and on Monday morning he assaulted me bad, again he wanted to keep my keys. He had no phone, and I wanted so bad to keep my control with my own property keys!! I lost that control and also received an excruciating pain in my left rib! Never has he ever hit me that hard!! Why didn’t I go to the police then ?

Monday night he was a saint! He watched Ariana in the evening and ‘took care of’ me whilst I struggled to do the basics due to my injury. He left me Tuesday morning and I was so glad to see the back of him!

I didn’t care he had no phone! I didn’t care he didn’t contact me. This just gave me more ammunition to cut him OUT! Thursday he called, I hung up! He messaged on his friends snapchat with his new number I deleted it! Friday I missed a call and again Saturday ! I was doing well! Sunday came and I seeked out his new number, like a addict seeking money for their next fix!

I heard his voice. I heard his pleas and his words of ‘you are so beautiful Kerry like really beautiful, no one in Northampton compares to you. You are special.’ There was my fix, he wanted to come see me..I had the control. I declined, I actually didn’t want to see him just wanted to hear that!

Monday I had texts to the same effect and then on Tuesday when he found out I was going to Ibiza he was VILE. I knew he was hurting, I knew he was jealous. His mum heard everything he was saying on speakerphone and she even spoke to him where he was like a lost little damaged hurt boy. He’d lost control over my actions and that PAINS him! Despite him screaming he would never touch me again after my trip he ended up in my bed the night I got back and then again the following night which was his birthday. Fuck sake I had given in again! I had to get some distance again !!!

All week he had made plans with himself to come over. Let’s have a nice evening he would say .. I politely declined and then I was abused ! Vile nasty words that are unexplainable. The effect they have on me are more damaging than any punch or slap! By Wednesday he turned up at my door and the company was all I wanted .. not him. I was then too tired for the abuse and we had a nice evening. He then got it in his head he was moving back in.. we would do more together and it would all be ok. Asked me when I would next see him. Saturday.. ffs !! All day Saturday I spent telling him to not come, I hated him, I didn’t trust him. We were over… then when he turned nasty I gave in again!

That’s when I went through his phone. Him laying next to me reminded me of the last time it kicked off hard.. the time I went to the police and had multiple injuries which subsequently saw him serve 28 days in jail. My gut was screaming he’s slept with someone else and my gut is ALWAYS right! He held me tight! So tight I couldn’t breathe! Screaming I was mad! Screaming that I was his everything. I didn’t believe him I knew! I didn’t care , I just wanted him to admit it and stop torturing me! Why keep lying? Why try so hard to keep me!?

I cried a lot that night and morning, my phone was hidden in case something came up that he disliked and I longed for the moment he left! Initially I declined sex and the stuff that came out of his mouth was insane. I was so tired I didn’t react, almost numb to it now. He let me sleep and watched Ariana and then he tried again. I didn’t want to but I did not want a repeat of earlier! Equally when we’re together and doing that.. I feel so in love. We connect so stupidly well and that drug has peaked again. As soon as it’s over my bitterness and hatred is back!

When he finally left he carried on texting , ringing ..promising me the world! I had to find away to get away! I just have too!

Luckily it came when my friend saw him with another girl the following day! This was my get away!! ‘Hi baby’ he answered the phone all cheery. He has some front! He tried to deny it! Course he did! I was smart and I took the suspect number from his phone and found out for myself. Away from her he was sad ‘I don’t know what’s wrong with me’ ‘she doesn’t compare to you’ which would soon turn into a slanging match where he was adamant I was to blame! I pushed him away!

Case closed.

All the last few months have proven are .. we cannot be amicable for our baby. His interest isn’t her, it’s me. He is dead set on making me his again and I cannot be anywhere near him. He can’t handle my standoffish ‘mind games’ he calls them and his need for a place to stay takes over. It’s not hard prick stop mentally torturing me!

This morning was hard, the screams of him saying I was embarrassing myself in front of his new woman! Swearing blind he never had sex with me Sunday! Laughing at me saying we haven’t had sex for months! This is mental abuse! I was in bits!! I need closure and I need to make him pay!

Once I’ve given the police his number I will delete it. It’s too tempting! Like an alcoholic with a bottle of vodka. I called him this evening on withheld! He never answers withheld, so he obviously knew it was me!! Said he was wrong for this morning, wanted to see me, come and see me! I told him straight come anywhere near me and I’m calling 999! I heard what I needed, he isn’t ok! I know he won’t be ok. But this time I do not care!

I plan to write a statement that sums up the past almost 2 years. These statements can be used in court. Section 76 of the serious crimes act 2015 created a new offence of a controlling or coercive behaviour in an intimate relationship. He needs to be held accountable. I will make sure of it!

These past 2 days have done wonders for my diet 😉

Posted in alone, baby, cheat, Company, Deceit, Diet, DomesticAbuse, Heart, Heartbreak, Journey, life, Lonely, love, Mistakes, mother, Parenting, police, pregnancy, pregnant, prison, Prisoner, prisonwives, relationship, relationships, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum, Strength, Weight, weightloss, Women

How am I feeling? 

Posted on by KerryLouise

The question on all my friends and families lips right now… how do you answer such a question when each hour my feelings change so much ?

I feel weak, then remind myself what he’s put me through and realise weak I am definitely not. My world was falling apart when my baby was just 2 weeks old and I had found out about his other life! But I stayed strong for my newborn and my eldest daughter. Continued to breastfeed although the pain was unreal and developed mastitis twice. Bills were still payed and my babies were happy! That is not weak!

I feel like I miss him. I miss the loving him, the side of him that would look at me like he was absolutely smitten. The way we would joke together and laugh. The way he looked at our baby and we would all just chill in bed together cooing over how gorgeous she is. His touch which would melt me and hands down give me the best sex of my life. Then remind myself relationships isn’t just about good sex (especially when you know he’s been going elsewhere too), relationships require team work. Something he used to always drill in my head, tell me I never work with him. Tell me I’m not on his page I’m in a completely different book to him (That’s rich!) and he needs a woman he can work with. Even when his sister and mother asked him what I don’t do that he needs, he walked out the room saying ‘I can’t think right now.’ Evenings he was never around, even before the cheating again. He would answer my calls though and come home, he isn’t bright to think I would notice when those things changed! I’m lonely right now without him but I was lonely with him… so what’s the difference!

I feel angry, I keep thinking about what his mum said to me over text message. Annoyed that she asked ME to remind myself of the traumatic experience we all had when he was in HMP before. Asked ME to not get him locked again. So mad that I’m once again being the one to blame if he ends up back in jail, yet he has risked his freedom every fucking day since he was released. He doesn’t listen to you ?? So why should I ?

I feel mad that his friend can tell me ‘he really loves his daughter.’ NO!! A man who loves his daughter does not choose to disappear all night when the mother of his child had a caesarean and can’t even get out of bed. A man who loves his daughter is around a lot more than he has been to help when things get a little bit too much for the woman who is caring for her. A man who loves his daughter does not take as long as he did to finally come home and get rid of whatever little fling he had previously. A man who loves his daughter does not stand me up as much as he did when we were seperated which meant he went without seeing her. A man who loves his daughter does not psychologically abuse the mother who is caring for that daughter to the point where they hyperventilate, cut themselves and bang their head against a wall to just get them to SHUT UP!! A man who loves his daughter, and apparently loves the women too DOES not choose to be laid up in another women’s bed knowing full well the psychological impact that would have on said woman caring for daughter. A man who loves his daughter DOES NOT continue dealing drugs or be involved in violence relating to such crime in fear that they’d end up in prison and that daughter then has to grow up without a daddy. DO NOT TELL ME he LOVES his daughter …. I love MY daughter. I show real love !

I feel sad that I gave him that many chances, believed him 100 million times that it was us he wanted, that he would change his ways and now it’s literally got so past breaking point that he’s not allowed near me. He will have to arrange contact for his daughter via a contact centre and that social services are also involved. I gave him many opportunities to do this as just friends, do this seperated but that just wasn’t good enough for him either. He was ok to act single but I wasn’t and he would drill into me how I’ll always be his! Them times I believed him, I didn’t want anyone else, still so sure he’d come good. Even after the cheating this time he made me agree that I would try again in the future, let him prove it to me properly. That didn’t last, since he was back to his old tricks of going between me and another girl AGAIN!

I feel bitter that this new girl has probably believed him. What a low class female she is! Accepting a man you’ve known 2 weeks, told you a fake name and cheated on his missus and baby with you! Well I have certainly more self respect than you my love and I just sleep at night knowing he’ll cause you more shit than he’s really worth!

I feel better! Getting this all out, I feel loads better!

Posted in alone, baby, cheat, Company, Deceit, Detox, exercise, Fitness, Heart, Heartbreak, Ibiza, Journey, life, Lonely, love, Mistakes, mother, Parenting, relationship, relationships, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum, Strength, Uncategorized, Weigh, Weight, weightloss, Women

Day 5

Posted on by KerryLouise

Woke up at my friends house and felt quite strong. I think it surprised her and we spoke about it. I agreed that him not having anyone made it easier but equally I’ve learnt from the last time! 

I went home about midday and I was greeted by the vile character again. Moaning how I had woke him up! Ummm excuse me ? Your lucky you had a bed to sleep in! He began by saying I did push him, shifting the blame AGAIN! Saying some of the words I had said stuck in his head, reminded me of the day we had an argument and he was eating in the cafe she worked in. That’s the day he got her number. That made me sick !! 

I kept asking why so cold? Why so calculated and pre-meditated? Not even trying to cover it up by disappearing completely on me. Like one night he text me at 3am saying ‘baby I’m coming now I only love and want you’ … and never came!! What makes someone click like that?? He doesn’t know! He told me it hadn’t registered yet .. that we were over. Hasn’t hit him. He tried to have sex with me, he was close but I stayed strong. 

My sister wanted to call him last night. She came over for some wine, she helped me a lot. Just the company and the laughs. His phone was off , she then text her … not sure yet if she got a response. I laid awake a lot assuming she’s let him back in. She seemed very sure when she spoke to me, laughing at him in fact, apologising to me. But hey I know how good he is with his words.. ‘this is what I needed to get away’, ‘I’ll prove it to you’ , ‘let me just stay until I get somewhere,’ who knows what he’s said. God his words make me sick. Fake fraudulent person! 

Even if she has had him back, I won’t be fighting for his attention this time. I’ll just be glad that someone else has to put up with his bullshit. His coming and going as he pleases. His lack of support financially. His boyish behaviour!! She can deal with it all… she can fight for his attention because let’s face it. He won’t leave me alone, he never will. 

I’m actually excited. My baby isn’t just 2 weeks old this time. She’s nearly 4 months. I can have a social life and I am going too. I’m going to go to Ibiza this year again, to which he said ‘no fucking way.’ I’m going to date and meet people ! I’m buzzing! We have our holiday booked, told him we would still go. If he doesn’t pay though, I won’t and I’ll see if a friend will come instead. His fucking loss!! 

Under my calorie goal again, although once again drank wine. 

Life will be good! 

Posted in Deceit, Detox, Diet, exercise, Fitness, Girltalk, Heart, Heartbreak, Journey, life, Lonely, love, Mistakes, mother, pregnancy, relationship, relationships, Weigh, Weight, weightloss, Women

Day 4

Posted on by KerryLouise

The first day I went over on my calories… I still ate less than 1500 but my exercise wasn’t great and so I didn’t have enough in the bank.

I am already feeling slimmer though so this is fabulous! 

Ex came to see me today, oh how sorry he is, how he can’t lose me, on his hands and knees, begging for my help as he doesn’t know what’s wrong with him. I’ve offered my help before, he betrayed me again .. he’s insane! I’ve been pretty strong. It does help knowing he has no one. No one real anyway. I think last time it hurt because I feared he had genuine feelings for that girl, this time I’ve realised he won’t ever treat anyone right so why should I fear? I see him with my daughter that’s what makes me weak, I feel his touch, weak again! He got crazy earlier knowing I downloaded dating apps again. This time I have every intention of meeting someone new. I need that, I need some attention, to feel worthy again. If I don’t find someone then so be it but how can I go on like this? Do what ? Take him back again because I want the perfect family ? No fucking chance. This time I mean it. Last time I knew I would fight for him back, again I admit it was harder because the stupid tramp believed him and he had her to run too but I can honestly say all the hate I have built up for him this past year is ready to cut him off …. or up … whichever! 

I’m not going to be bitter, that eats women up. It will continue to bring too much negativity in my life. I’m a positive person and I need her back. I will be his friend but I will not be his lover. 

Posted in alone, cheat, Deceit, Detox, Diet, exercise, Fitness, Heart, Heartbreak, Journey, life, Lonely, love, Mistakes, Parenting, relationship, relationships

Day 2

Posted on by KerryLouise

Successful day on plan. Amazed that I got on the scales for the first time since before my birthday and I had actually lost a pound. Not going to lie that helped greatly with my mood. 

Calories I consumed today was 1540 which is still under target according to my Fitbit. Exercise needs to be upped though and I need my body to start taking shape. I will show him! 

He was pretty loving today until I saw a girl call his phone who I don’t want calling his phone!! I don’t trust him and my gut doesn’t. A week ago she text him with xxx, now I understand men have female friends just as female friends have male ones BUT he’s broke my trust and he’s broke me in the sense that I just assume it’s all bad. I remind him of the boy who cried wolf! I am no longer afraid to find out the truth and when I saw the xxx I tried to call her , she ignored me. Tonight I text her again, she ignored me. He just tells me that he could never lose me again, why would he bother, he’s so proud to have me blah blah blah !! Well I’m thinking of ways to catch him out so he can no longer tell me I’m weird and it’s all in my head. I have my plan!! 

I will be the winner! 😉

I’m a winner anyway with this amazing little girl!