Category: prisonwives

Posted in DomesticAbuse, Girltalk, Heart, Heartbreak, Mistakes, prisonwives, relationship, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum

The Truth will Conquer

Posted on by KerryLouise

I’ve had a good day today. Well better than still can be expected. It really is always a rollercoaster of emotions. Spoke to M last night for ages. It’s so nice to actually chat with someone and just get on. He makes jokes about me being his girl and we talk about life before. I guess I find him comforting as he’s followed the process since I’ve know him since 2015. He is also highly complimentary and there’s something more satisfying getting that from someone who you’ve actually known. Like you can chat with guys online but generally they will be complimentary since they are trying to smooth talk and charm. From M it seems more real.

It’s when I’m driving in my car alone I get most of my flash backs (apart from yesterday morning in the shower). I was driving back from MK today and I just thought about her letter again. To think I even screen shotted her proof that he text saying how much he loved me just the day before. So blind, so foolish. What bothers me is the fact he makes out to anyone who listens that he can’t see his daughter because I’m basically jealous and bitter! That’s what fucking bothers me because that is so so far from the truth. I know the truth will conquer but until that time I can’t help but have how the conversation would go in my head. I feel so sorry for her writing this letter when he was begging me on Monday, begging me prior to that and slagging her off to me. Continuing to deny her and telling me he fucked her off. How he ruined everything for a stupid mistake with an ugly old coke taker. It’s crazy how he thinks that’s the only reason but hey. Apparently he isn’t sleeping (he did look a mess) and every time he sees a buggy and a family it kills him. Heard this before, shame he kept forgetting that feeling ey! He had enough chances at it.

Anyway when I got home I pulled up my statement that was written for the non molestation order (you know the one I’m supposedly manipulating the services with). It’s brutal. It dates right back to march 2016 where he punched me in the stomach and I had a bleed when pregnant. I mention the smashing up on my phones x3. The bruises, the fat lips and the fact he’s bit my face before. I talk about the bad innocent in January 2017 and then also the most recent with the hard punch in my rib. Then it explains how I suspected another woman but he was denying it and wouldn’t leave me alone. It’s all in there. Furthermore every fucking thing is backed up with evidence. June 2016 when I went into the hospital crying and high blood pressure. My maternity notes had safeguarding warnings, when I was in labour I was asked repeatedly if I was ok him being there. I guess my midwife knew more than she let on! The evidence of all the pictures that were taken by the police. I have holes in my walls! Then the most recent one was witnessed by my 9 year old daughter who told a teacher at the school ! My social worker has seen bruises and all my tears. Other health professionals have been trying to warn me and one in particular I’ve kept in contact with and she has her own batch of evidence. Why the hell am I still finding myself trying to justify myself. HE FUCKING ABUSED ME! I am manipulating NO ONE! He hadn’t seen my statement until Monday, I bet he didn’t show her it. He has been instructed to issue a statement by 8th December, the thought of his response is making me so anxious! The lies are real killers.

I was with my friend today who is also on her own and her baby doesn’t see her dad. We both agreed that yeh our girls may want to find their dads in the future but they’ll soon learn that their mummy’s did the right thing. I love my baby with all my heart and my eldest of course. They are simply my world and I spent so long chasing something that was never going to happen thinking that was for the best. It wasn’t , he isn’t and he doesn’t deserve his daughter or me and my eldest either.

I was looking through photos tonight I want to get some printed for My baby to look back on and see that daddy was in her life at one point. I screenshotted a meme that made me sad and highlighted how much shit I’ve put up with.

28th September 2016 that was on my camera roll. How fitting , and I felt like that from March 2016 – June 2017. Then I just knew I needed to somehow get away. June 2017 on the hen do he tried to sabotage then got angry because I wore a dress I shouldn’t of I did actually get drunk and cry and just said ‘I deserve better.’ I was no longer wanting or hoping for change. He had done too much!

This whole time I’ve had too much empathy, felt bad when he ‘felt bad.’ Didn’t like the thought of him hurting and feeling sorry for himself. Not anymore! He never cared for me, not really. He only loved me when he was in the mood to be nice. He didn’t care when I was sitting up all night waiting for him, threatening suicide or more recently telling him I was lonely and I wanted someone new. How dare I want a new relationship though, of course that made me a slag or I heard more empty promises how things were soon changing.

Typical narcissist, promising amazing stuff it doesn’t happen and all they care about is them!!

Posted in alone, baby, cheat, Deceit, DomesticAbuse, Fitness, Heartbreak, law, Lonely, Mistakes, pregnancy, prison, prisonwives, relationship, relationships, Singlemum

My ‘love’ back behind bars !

Posted on by KerryLouise

Took the police 5 weeks to catch up with him. 5 weeks!! I warned him he needed to do it before we had our social services meeting, despite his promises he just didn’t. Scared he was going to jail he told me. I did not think it would come to that! Just did not. 

I got myself caught back up in his cycle once again. A week before his arrest on 13th March he was promising money daily and it was so exhausting but I kept relying on it so bad so I had to go with it! ‘Let me see you both before I hand myself in please’ and ‘I need to give you your money’ , all just excuses to see me. Then once I saw him… I am weak. The Thursday morning I had had enough, promised money first thing.. countless missed calls and even one he cancelled (although he denies) and I thought enough is enough. Money my arse he won’t give me any! I sent long messages to his mother and father. I can’t lie the anxiety in my head and the visions of him ignoring me in my head was mainly what drove me too it. Reminder of before and well we know why he ignored me before!! Rather be with some dumb girl then admit to me that he doesn’t have any money. I blocked him.. fuck him! He called in the afternoon from withheld and I cancelled it 3 times. Proud! 

Friday morning he did the same but this time I listened, the sob story of how he couldn’t sleep and how he had the money etc. The usual battle of a phone call where some how he twists it to me being the one at fault. I calmed down and the afternoon I called him back in the hope I would get some money out of him. I was skint! Straight away he came to me and we went to the supermarket. A conversation before hand made me melt. The trip to the supermarket made me feel on a high, something so minor that most take for granted felt so good. Better than a drug. We looked like a normal family, happy and in love. The way he touches me, smiles and acts around our daughter. It’s all too much. The sex after this is euphoric but once again reality hits me slap in my face when he goes because he’s still wanted. Wanted for his assault on me, the pair of us are crazy! He equally should stay away from me, I could frame him for murder and he still wouldn’t stay away! 

He leaves ‘I love you,  call me later’, I don’t! I just can’t put myself through even the thought of him not answering my phone call on a Friday night. He was still blocked too. We speak on Saturday, 3 times I call him throughout the day and he answers each time. He doesn’t even KNOW how much better that makes me feel! Sunday morning he turns up at mine after his night out.. coming in at that time used to absolutely put me beside my self. Then when he stopped coming full stop I longed for those days, pathetic and not a relationship. 

Sunday morning was the last I saw of him. Again the 3 of us just chilling, then slept was ALL I wanted. All I ever wanted. Being at mine makes me anxious and so I left him to sleep and went out for the day whilst he slept his night out off. Monday morning came and I admit I knew he was coming after school run but I had a meeting at the school. I had told him but I knew he would have forgot. Finished my meeting and of course he’s pissed off. Strop city!! I kind of wish we hadn’t of left it like that but equally he needs to understand how it feels when people are not where they said they were going to be. The conversations on the phone then were completely toxic and I left him too it. See you at the meeting I screamed! 

Well I didn’t see him. He turned up late, wasn’t allowed in and I was informed he was being arrested and being recalled to prison.

My heart fucking sank. I cried. He needs to hear this I cry, what’s the point in holding this when the other parent is not even allowed to be present. The police officer in the room paints an awful picture of him based on intelligence. He looks like a real threat to his daughter, threat to me. It just all looks so terrible. Domestic abuse! Domestic violence! Drug dealing! Carrying weapons. Hearing it all, it hits home!! I still feel like my heart has been pulled out. Prison again!

That evening brings back loads of memories. He had called his mother earlier on and asked me to look in his old prison bag. I did. All my emails, cards, pictures! FFS we were so in love! What the hell happened???!!! How did we get to this! Emails I had sent where he had underlined words and sentences. Prison is a fucked up place, and it fucked him up and I did hurt him! I felt like this was what I wanted but it still didn’t feel good.

The next morning I spoke with the police officer. She was lovely and told me he was recalled only due to the fact he took so long for arrest. Not good character when on licence. I’m still yet to know how long he has but with no new offences the longest it will be is 6 weeks. This day I felt good, I felt fucking free!! I knew where he was, he couldn’t smoke, drink, shag whatever dirt box to void his feelings now. Just him , his own thoughts, memories and countless men! Perfect! 

Wednesday 15th and the last time I heard his voice. I was shocked to hear him, he sounded fine. Loving even. No blame on me at all. He’s using his charm, tells me how already he’s thinking of me moving on, can’t bare it. Asks me to be good for him and tells me if this time I am I’ll see a changed man. He gets 22 minutes call time and I do reciprocate his ‘I love you’ and ‘I miss you’ at the end of the call. I’d already sent a harsh straight to the point email by this point which he would of had the pleasure of being delivered the next day. Good! Harsh, real facts on how he has treated the woman who was there for him. Like really there for him! He needs to know! He did joke on the phone about how I must be loving this! Yes I do. I felt like I had been released from prison. Roles reversed. 

I believe he tried to call me on Tuesday, he didn’t get through so called his sister and passed on some shitty message! He got another email from me, look how he reacts after I miss one call. Yet he can ignore his phone ALL day and it’s perfectly fine and I’m made to feel like a dick for caring! He could have said hope you are all ok but no. This is him ALL over .. defensive negativeness and thinks I’m just ‘airing’ him. He’s so transparent to me now, he’s hurt because he didn’t get to speak to me! Hurt, so he attacks. 

I’ve spoke with my new social worker. I like her. She’s going to visit him inside. The whole report is very bias, paints an awful picture of him and I hold my hands up to all professionals that I have been violent. I often provoke situations and push him. I need help with my anger and I need help dealing with the events from the past year. He needs help dealing with stuff I have also put him through but I will never lose sight of how manipulative and how much he has mentally abused me when I was pregnant and then when I had a newborn. 

When he first came out of jail I was the most amazing woman on this planet apparently. He wanted to marry me. Confusing him when I was honest about my infidelity the weekend before he came home just blew up massively in my face. He blamed EVERYTHING on that. The reason he was risking his freedom was all my fault. If he had just held a job down, kept away from his wasteman friends and stepped away from that road trap life we would NOT be here today! 

The whole year has ALL been because I did not tolerate his choices. His illegal activities that of cause he gaslighted me and made out it wasn’t happening. He thinks I was born yesterday, driving him around to ‘pick stuff up from his bredrin’, finding cash on him. The begging, the pleading, the promises he made that it wasn’t on a big scale. He wasn’t touching anything apparently. I was always always so petrified he’d end up back in jail. My uncooperation which led to constant rows sent him to be the cheating animal he became! Of course he’d pick a 19 year old not bothered about his lifestyle over me giving him constant headache! Of course!! 

It’s now, now or never. This short time inside could be the blessing he needed to be a proper father and have a decent relationship with his beautiful little baby girl. That life he is in deep in ain’t worth the life he’s currently living. Friday night and banged up in a cell since 4pm. If this doesn’t show him his daughter is worth more, then NOTHING WILL! 

Posted in alone, baby, cheat, Company, Deceit, Diet, DomesticAbuse, Heart, Heartbreak, Journey, life, Lonely, love, Mistakes, mother, Parenting, police, pregnancy, pregnant, prison, Prisoner, prisonwives, relationship, relationships, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum, Strength, Weight, weightloss, Women

How am I feeling? 

Posted on by KerryLouise

The question on all my friends and families lips right now… how do you answer such a question when each hour my feelings change so much ?

I feel weak, then remind myself what he’s put me through and realise weak I am definitely not. My world was falling apart when my baby was just 2 weeks old and I had found out about his other life! But I stayed strong for my newborn and my eldest daughter. Continued to breastfeed although the pain was unreal and developed mastitis twice. Bills were still payed and my babies were happy! That is not weak!

I feel like I miss him. I miss the loving him, the side of him that would look at me like he was absolutely smitten. The way we would joke together and laugh. The way he looked at our baby and we would all just chill in bed together cooing over how gorgeous she is. His touch which would melt me and hands down give me the best sex of my life. Then remind myself relationships isn’t just about good sex (especially when you know he’s been going elsewhere too), relationships require team work. Something he used to always drill in my head, tell me I never work with him. Tell me I’m not on his page I’m in a completely different book to him (That’s rich!) and he needs a woman he can work with. Even when his sister and mother asked him what I don’t do that he needs, he walked out the room saying ‘I can’t think right now.’ Evenings he was never around, even before the cheating again. He would answer my calls though and come home, he isn’t bright to think I would notice when those things changed! I’m lonely right now without him but I was lonely with him… so what’s the difference!

I feel angry, I keep thinking about what his mum said to me over text message. Annoyed that she asked ME to remind myself of the traumatic experience we all had when he was in HMP before. Asked ME to not get him locked again. So mad that I’m once again being the one to blame if he ends up back in jail, yet he has risked his freedom every fucking day since he was released. He doesn’t listen to you ?? So why should I ?

I feel mad that his friend can tell me ‘he really loves his daughter.’ NO!! A man who loves his daughter does not choose to disappear all night when the mother of his child had a caesarean and can’t even get out of bed. A man who loves his daughter is around a lot more than he has been to help when things get a little bit too much for the woman who is caring for her. A man who loves his daughter does not take as long as he did to finally come home and get rid of whatever little fling he had previously. A man who loves his daughter does not stand me up as much as he did when we were seperated which meant he went without seeing her. A man who loves his daughter does not psychologically abuse the mother who is caring for that daughter to the point where they hyperventilate, cut themselves and bang their head against a wall to just get them to SHUT UP!! A man who loves his daughter, and apparently loves the women too DOES not choose to be laid up in another women’s bed knowing full well the psychological impact that would have on said woman caring for daughter. A man who loves his daughter DOES NOT continue dealing drugs or be involved in violence relating to such crime in fear that they’d end up in prison and that daughter then has to grow up without a daddy. DO NOT TELL ME he LOVES his daughter …. I love MY daughter. I show real love !

I feel sad that I gave him that many chances, believed him 100 million times that it was us he wanted, that he would change his ways and now it’s literally got so past breaking point that he’s not allowed near me. He will have to arrange contact for his daughter via a contact centre and that social services are also involved. I gave him many opportunities to do this as just friends, do this seperated but that just wasn’t good enough for him either. He was ok to act single but I wasn’t and he would drill into me how I’ll always be his! Them times I believed him, I didn’t want anyone else, still so sure he’d come good. Even after the cheating this time he made me agree that I would try again in the future, let him prove it to me properly. That didn’t last, since he was back to his old tricks of going between me and another girl AGAIN!

I feel bitter that this new girl has probably believed him. What a low class female she is! Accepting a man you’ve known 2 weeks, told you a fake name and cheated on his missus and baby with you! Well I have certainly more self respect than you my love and I just sleep at night knowing he’ll cause you more shit than he’s really worth!

I feel better! Getting this all out, I feel loads better!

Posted in cheat, court, Deceit, Detox, Diet, exercise, Fitness, Heart, Heartbreak, Lonely, love, police, prison, prisonwives, relationship, relationships, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum, Strength, Weight, weightloss, Women

I was desperate

Posted on by KerryLouise

So many emotions , so little calories consumed and many tears. He did come home after day 6, denying he was at the girls house. He came in at 2am, I stuck to my word and did not succumb to his sorrys and pleas. I would not fall for it again and have sex with him, knowing how I would feel less than 2 hours later. Need some self respect. I’m not saying nothing happened, he was touching me and kissing me but I would not let him get what he wanted. This didn’t bode well, the vileness started, and it’s crazy but sitting here and I feel so numb and tired to things he was saying I can’t even remember! He definitely blamed me for keeping my eldest daughter off school as she was sick, telling me I’m not thinking about baby. Told me I was a joke for having coconut oil but never using it on my baby. Said how he was on to my friend and so I should watch myself when I’m in town and moving on to any man. Picking at me for not being the real loyal true woman he needed.

Then it changed, laughing and joking how he needs me, how my sex is the best he’s ever had. That no way will he allow anyone else to have me. Promised he wasn’t at her house till 2am, he came home to me because he wants me. I’m smarter though, he knew about the text I had sent her, told me I was embarrassing. Asking me what was wrong with me. I then see another new text on his phone from her and it made it even clearer. She believed him over me AGAIN. I REFUSE to be caught up with another love triangle , my mindset changed completely. I wanted this over, this all ended. I needed peace and quiet not his awful attitude lies and constant circle I’ve experienced for the past YEAR!! My phone had disappeared and I just knew he had it. My only hope right now , as he just wasn’t leaving but constantly in my face poking my head and not leaving me alone, was to use Facebook to message my sisters to call the police. I meant it this time … GAME OVER!

Police came and I broke down to the nice female officer. I showed her a huge bruise on my knee and it was enough to have him arrested for assault. At least I knew he’d be locked for a few hours with only his own thoughts. Let him be the one unable to get hold of me for a change! Let him just lay there not being able to talk to anyone because that’s how I’ve been for so long! Kept so much to myself trying to protect him.

He came to me at 3am this morning. Foolishly let him in in the hope he’d give me my phone back. He didn’t and it was oh so easy to not fall for his charm, the nastiness outweighed the charm this time.

Went from telling me he’s addicted to me and can’t lose me to him pushing me in my mouth so I hit my head on the radiator. Then he would say sorry and how he promises to change and would stop dealing just to keep me, my response that it was too late turned him sour again. Told me that it was me preventing him from moving on because I was messaging people ‘fucking up his shit.’ Sorry but I’m pretty sure you can’t move on whilst your still sleeping with me and you have a new girlfriend who thinks your name is Donovan and you leave hers to go ‘do a shot’ and don’t go back to her to just then come to me! He’s a mental character and it is now definitely the end of our road!

He left without telling me where my phone was. He enjoyed keep telling me different places and knowing full well it wasn’t there and would just watch me scramble to wherever he said. Just a bully!

I got it out of him today and luckily I have my phone back. This evening I’ve had his mum pleading that I drop the charges. Trying to say it’s both of us, we are both to blame and we are not being mature. I replied with anger, NO WAY will I continue to sugar coat this and pretend it’s normal. I will not take blame for this anymore nor will I feel bad if he ends up back in jail! I’ve been in jail this past year, my heart has been locked, he has had his control and now it’s time for my release date.

10th January 2017 … my new life starts now!

Posted in cheat, Deceit, Heart, Heartbreak, prison, prisonwives, relationship, relationships, singlemum, Strength, Uncategorized, Women

Tiny steps ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

After a lazy morning just blogging, merging my two blogs and reading over the old posts I’ve made I totally feel like Dominic should read them. Especially the ones of when he was inside. He could see how I was always saying ‘he was the one’ , how in love I was, how at times I was angry and got mad about the situation. I know he suffered but he needs to realise I did too!! 

I then made the mistake of reading over some of the letters he sent me whilst he was inside, it made me cry. Maybe it was all me, maybe I have completely fucked his love for me… but then I remind myself of all the love he’s still shown me since his release and even after I told him whilst he was still inside. It’s still there, it is definitely still there ! This blog may not show that love but remember people only tend to blog when things are going badly! 


The bit that gets to me is that he does talk of loyalty a lot. There’s many letters saying how he can’t share me, he talks of our children and how he’s going to let them know how their mummy is his queen. That word loyal , it stings me. It really does. I’m annoyed with myself for being as weak as I was. 


Throughout this year when we have been getting on he has admitted that I was always there for him mentally and that’s what was important. 



Then I read the above and realise, okay the other woman stuff may not have happened if I hadn’t off met that other guy but he still would have done all the other stuff. The cheating has only been the icing on the cake, the rest of the year was nothing to do with girls! 

I have a box full of letters like this. The letters only stopped when he managed to get hold of a mobile a lot more and he had it over night a lot. He forgets this and was last night screaming at how the emails stopped coming. How I went so long without visiting him, (genuinely due to money and work) and how he just knew something was up. I remember speaking to him loads on the phone, why would I send emails when we speak on the phone daily?! We had phone sex whenever he had the phone over night and he was still so amazingly loving even AFTER I told him about the little fling I had. Last night the anger and hate in his eyes devastated me thinking he literally couldn’t get over it but I’m adamant that all this love can’t just be dead and buried. 

I called him this evening as was expecting him. I told him we should leave it till tomorrow since he was running late and I had some friends to see. Progress! He was calling me baby and said how he’s been thinking about us all day. I briefly tell him about the blog posts and the letters. Once again he tells me he loves me and we can make it work. 

I didn’t call again, which is also progress for me. Often no contact is better than contact if he’s cold and distant on the phone so it makes sense. I try not to think too much about what he’s up too, even if he is with her, I know he’ll be thinking of me. 

In future I won’t be the one making any sexual advances or asking for a cuddle. I need to try and not bring ‘us’ up and just let him enjoy being with his daughter. Rather than talk about the bad stuff and where we went wrong which usually just annoys him and reminds him. I’ll let him enjoy his daughter and be a nice person to be around. He promised straight from work (again) and would bring a change of clothes so he can shower here. Then spend the whole evening with us. I must not kick of when that doesn’t happen, and certainly not have bloody sex with him!! 

If he doesn’t show, that’s when I will change my number. Changing my number would certainly make him happy too since he has asked repeatedly since we first met!! He mentioned today again how he wants me to get rid of any men I’m chatting too since he saw my WhatsApp yesterday. Bit rich considering he’s doing what he’s doing but I literally don’t want to give him anymore ammunition. 

Why the hell does he have me like this? I can’t imagine life without him. 😩 It’s bloody pathetic !!!!

Posted in baby, book, cheat, Company, Heartbreak, intimate, life, Lonely, love, Mistakes, mother, Newborn, pregnancy, pregnant, prisonwives, relationship, relationships, Singlemum, Strength

It needs to be goodbye …

Posted on by KerryLouise

In just little over a week I’ve managed to put myself through more heartache and stress. I just knew getting rid of his clothes would some how come back like it’s my fault.Even said I should never have chucked him out in the first place as that’s why it went wrong. I’ve at times felt like we have moved forward but in reality we haven’t. I should have left him too it when I said I was going too last week.

The Saturday came and I was with his friend and girlfriend whose baby was just 1 week old. His friend rang him from my phone and you could tell he felt a certain way about that. He was cold and rude which I said was unnecessary. Anyway his battery died but he made the conscious effort to ring me back from another phone and left it that he would call me around 6pm to tell me that once again he couldn’t watch our baby as he was ‘busy.’ It’s funny how it was all my fault why he hadn’t seen her. He’s expecting me to call him and arrange when he can see her. He’s a big person , that isn’t my job. If he wants to see her he should call!! I should have listened to that this week.

Saturday evening came and I was pleasantly shocked that he said he would come by and watch her whilst I went out. I didn’t go out for long but it felt so good. He’s so easy to read and almost as soon as I picked him up he’s looking at me with those eyes. He’s so transparent it’s hilarious, I began by telling him to not look at me like that, nor could he touch me or call me babe. He felt no shame in saying how I wasn’t single, how it’s just a bad patch. Suggested I should just stay in with him and have ‘drunk sex’ or maybe my sister came to watch the baby whilst me and him went out.. ‘maybe it’s what we need’ apparently. I stuck to my guns and went out.. I got quite drunk and came home. He questioned something on my cheek which made it look like someone had kissed me (they hadn’t) and then it wasn’t too long until we were having sex! Doh !! Error!! It’s so good though, I can’t lie and it just comes so natural. He leaves telling me he needs to get rid of this girl … hmm like I haven’t heard that before.

Sunday he makes plans to come for 6pm, he doesn’t show nor is his phone on. Drives me mad. It certainly doesn’t get to me like it used too, I just come from a different world. A world where that type of behaviour is just plain rude and unacceptable it’s sad that I expect it from him. It’s a good job his daughter doesn’t understand, but it shows me more so why we need proper visits arranged. I can’t be putting my life on hold for him when he can’t even show.

Monday morning he texts me explaining he would do anything for both of us and he was sorry. He asks me to call him and again it’s the same old shit. How he would have literally died for me, done time for me, how I broke his heart. All I can say is how we’ve both done each other wrong but nows the time to mend it , he does agree and he came over later in the evening. There was no sex this time but lots of kissing and eye contact.

Tuesday he was meant to come over first thing … he didn’t! A row on the phone which saw me mention a fancy dress outfit for baby for Halloween escalate to him calling me a fucking prick. By the evening again he’s telling me he loves me. He’s unstable!!

Wednesday I feel sad. I call him and then text saying ‘just calling to say I miss you.’ He replied saying ‘aww b xx’ then a couple of hours later he calls out the blue and once again says how much he loves us both and would see us later. He lets us down but promises Thursday first thing.

Thursday first thing didn’t happen, shock !! I didn’t call. I didn’t text. Just keeping all this recorded if in the future I’m questioned as to why we can’t arrange times between us both for him to see his daughter. He mentions on the phone how the dumb bitch from Heath is pissing him off too. I calm him down … she’s nothing to do with me. He later explains how she’s constantly on it him about his phone, how she saw a text from me saying ‘miss you too’ and kicked off. All I could say is that I did warn him, considering they both started on lies.. she’s never gonna trust him and well let’s face it she bloody shouldn’t! We have a nice evening, we kiss and cuddle, I cooked and he had no problems in telling me how he’s sick of take aways with her. He does bring up the past, tells me how much he hates pics of me when he was inside. He loves them because I look so fit and a reminder of how all his ‘friends’ in jail would comment about how good his woman looked but hates them because he just thinks how another man was enjoying me. I’ll get that body back!! To which he replies ‘yeh then I’ll have you back.’ How shallow! He tells me again he just wants time and he most probably will end up back with me eventually but his head is just a mess. He leaves saying would see me tomorrow.

Friday, and I pick him up from work. We argue in the car after he makes me take him to the area she lives .. takes the piss! Ok I’m accepting what he’s doing and letting him work out for himself who he really wants but that’s completely just taking the biscuit. He’s cold and distant in the car and I hate it when he goes like this. I don’t help myself at all because I cry and go mental at how he’s so different to the previous evening. Like a crazy fool he denies even recently telling me he loves me. He even said ‘if you had never called her it would have just fizzled out with her and we’d still be together now.’ Again trying to make me feel like its my fault!! I take him to get his hair done before his friends come over to mine. I don’t know why I do this to myself … I knew I was seeing him later and I know he’d be a lot warmer, why do I wind myself up when he’s so rude!!!?? As soon as he got to mine to pick up his bike he winks and says ‘I’m sorry I didn’t mean all that, you know I love you. I just need to sort a few things out.’ My tears earlier were pointless! He goes off to shower (at hers) and then comes back. We act like a couple with his friends there , he strokes my face, leans in to kiss me. Makes comments about how he’s getting his long legged blue eye beauty (that’s me) back into squats. Once they leave he’s all over me .. this time it wasn’t me putting it on him. It was different, we kiss a lot before he leads me into my bedroom. He undresses himself and me, we are still kissing standing up just our naked bodies touching. During sex he keeps telling me to kiss him, and our eyes are locked as he tells me how much he loves me and misses me. I can’t help it … I fucking love him too. So much .. !! I just see a lost confused boy and it’s for me to help him. It was me who hurt him and I want to make it all better. He apologised again for what he did and was so sincere in saying how I deserve better and how I was too good for him. He called our sex crazy and was still touching me whilst saying how we would end up together. I’m his wife, always have been and always will be, and that we’ve both just had affairs. His needs to bloody stop though, I ask him how I’m meant to cope when I know he’s with her and he just says he’s barely there. That’s not good enough really but I must try and put it to the back of my mind. Of course I don’t … it drives me mad. He lets us down Saturday night and although he sees it as just me he’s letting down. He isn’t! He tells me today that she heard him say ‘I’ll make it up to you’ and she cried. Maybe he likes all this! Probably!

He doesn’t go to work today, Sunday. He’ll lose that job too.. he’s then so different with me on the phone cos she’s there. I cannot handle that shit. I should just bite my tongue and wait for him to come over but why should I ?? It showed me once again today how his behaviour is disgusting .. coming to me with all this love talk yet using her as an escapism and somewhere to stay. I feel sorry for her. I hear how he speaks to her too. Told her to fuck off, how’s she’s dumb and a prick. He has no respect for women whatsoever!  At least I know that’s just his nature and not because ‘like he says’ I broke his heart. It kicked off big time this evening, the venom and anger he has regarding his time in jail is scary. I feel like I can’t let him go , he shouts at me how all this is all my fault. I ripped him of any emotion he ever had, how he will never love another woman again because of how much I hurt him. He even said things like he didn’t want to come home to me on his release and how things play over and over in his mind. Some of the things he says I think are genuine but when he says he left all his heart in that cell I don’t believe him. No way. Along this bad journey that has been 2016 even with all the nastiness and anger I’ve still seen that sincere loving Dominic, the one who couldn’t let me go. The one who would scream in my face how much he fucking loves me and even his actions on Friday night … he can’t fake that. He still leaves me saying we’re going to try and work through it and put everything in the past. Only me and him can go from screaming and shouting to then kissing and saying I love you. It’s draining !! But my heart is breaking .. so bad .. and after everything he’s put me through I didn’t think it could break anymore.

Tonight I had to think about him with her again. He’s crazy for thinking another girl will take away his pain, using her as a way to hurt me is sick. He talks so bad of her to me, how she’s not his future, how he thinks of me when he’s with her, even said in front of his friends on Friday that she’s his landlord! Plus he cheats on her and is obviously just using her for a place to stay. He won’t stay with her .. nor will he keep away from me. It’s me who has to put a stop to that.

Tonight made me realise I need to stop seeing him. If we can’t make seeing me just about Ariana then I can’t mentally or emotionally cope with the turmoil he puts me through. I wish I could be around him and just be calm and politely tell him to remove his hand from my body parts or to not lean and kiss me, but right now I’m too weak for that. It feels too good and just right and natural but then when he leaves it feels devastating. Far too much of a rollercoaster and I can’t put up with it anymore.

Yes I hurt him but I often think he’s laying this on thick because he’s ashamed about how he’s treated me. Getting his justification in so he doesn’t feel so bad for shitting all over me when I was heavily pregnant and had his newborn baby. If it wasn’t this it would be something else and I only need to read that old blog and be reminded of how he was before he went to jail too! Deep down he has a good heart but on that surface is a very dark, malicious, selfish, vile creature. Why don’t I see that side more ?!?

I need to be strong !

Posted in Challenge, cheat, court, Deceit, Girltalk, Heart, Heartbreak, intimate, Journey, life, police, prison, Prisoner, prisonwives, relationship, sex

A new start ?

Posted on by KerryLouise

I failed in waiting for him to call, Sunday blues came and the sadness took over me. I couldn’t understand how someone who was so involved in my life can literally walk away without a second thought. He responded to my text by saying I had told him not to call me but he would ring me soon. He didn’t. He rang me over 24 hours later. 

He began with small talk, what had I been up too, how am I? He even asked what had I bought him whilst shopping. I joked by saying I had bought him a frying pan to hit him over the head with and not what he had suggested that I was finally going to cook for him. He mentioned that he didn’t understand women and why they needed closure. I pointed out that hanging me on a thread wasn’t fair either, again he didn’t make any real sense and said he still wants to be my friend. He was trying to make it easier for me apparently, how he heard that my Dad was giving my man a job and them sort of things and so didn’t want to get in the way. He knew all of this right from the start, I never once even let him believe maybe we could be together. Maybe I was harsh in saying that he really didn’t need to protect me as I’m the one who would be completely fine as soon as I had my man home. I sensed that he knew this was true. He admitted he had a lot going on and really was in no position to be with me properly, I reiterated that that was never my intention. I feel like more was said, he asked when I was back in town, and seemed sure he would see me again. This leads me to believe that there is no one else but some kind of crazy ‘deal’ that is going on, I did hear something quite suspect when I was last there. Again he went by saying he’d call me back. I will leave him now, it is sad to think he’s out my life now but it was always going to have to be like that one day. It’s not like I don’t have my Mr Right anyway and I’ve been through a lot worse before in regards to losing these man friends, I will cope even if my beloved doesn’t get tag. 

Last night I admitted to my beloved regarding the fling I’ve had. It went better than I expected. He was quiet, angry, hurt, disappointed but he understands that this was just his karma after the way he treated me before. Our call ended on a positive, he truly loves me, this has shown me more than ever. To forgive me for this, takes some guts. My gosh I love him. Within 10 days I should find out if I’m getting him home or not. 

Posted in Beauty, Challenge, Fitness, Girltalk, Heart, Holiday, Ibiza, Journey, law, lawstudent, life, Lonely, love, mother, prison, Prisoner, prisonwives, Running, sex, single mum, Stretch marks, student, Weight, weightloss

1 Saturday down , 5 to go ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

.. Until I am able to go out and party!! I have my little girl tonight anyway so wouldn’t have gone out tonight but tomorrow could have been a possibility. Craving a good night out so bad!! 

1,818 calories today, had a Chinese with my mini me but counted it correctly. I didn’t snack at all today and that makes such a big difference in your calories, they soon add up. I was under on the fat and sugars content too. I didn’t manage to go for that run this morning, woke up feeling so groggy as I have been doing for a while now. More water, more water a must and back drinking my herbal teas I once got into a good routine with. 

I bought a new cream today and at nearly £10 (and that was half price) it wasn’t cheap. Nip + fab tummy fix it’s called, the reviews look good and after I stood in my underwear in front of the mirror at the sunbed shop I realised how bad the tummy situation is. I took a photo, not brave enough to upload yet but I will do if I get a good picture in a month or so to compare it. Will let you know if it works. I know it’s pretty natural to have stretch marks and excess skin after a pregnancy and especially for someone like me who has lost over 6 stone but to me it just looks weird. Not natural at all. I did get into a good shape last year and it began to look better but I was having a personal trainer then, I am hoping I can do it again without one. 

It’s 1:40am, I did my usual of having a late evening kip to study more effectively. It works yet my body clock is all over the place. Proud of what I have achieved tonight tho. Tomorrow I am working again, cinema date with my daughter then I will pick a different topic to get my teeth into. I’ve got this!!

65 days till Ibiza !! 

Posted in Challenge, Diet, Fitness, Girltalk, Heart, Journey, lawstudent, Lonely, prison, Prisoner, prisonwives, student, Weight, weightloss

Day 3 .. 69 days till Ibiza

Posted on by KerryLouise

I woke up feeling shattered, going to bed now feeling shattered and it’s only 8:30pm. I did a 1k run just after the school run thinking it is at least something and means less time wasted in a gym. My legs are still aching from yesterday and it didn’t go well. 

Been really hungry today and eaten 1’530 calories. I can hear the co co pops talking to me from the cupboard too, it’s inevitable that a bowel of those will be consumed. Argh I don’t want to feel this tired, I wanted to do some more revision tonight, it’s hard at the best of times let alone when I am feeling so tired. 

Anyway my boy called me early this morning. That hasn’t happened in months, it’s almost like he knew I needed to speak to him. See soul mates. He said he had had a really vivid dream and he needed to hear my voice, I do still like those unpredictable phone calls. I spoke of my concerns and his response was as I expected, and I now feel a little stupid for getting so irate over a comment his stupid cousin put on social media. He had only 5 minutes this morning but he called back later in the afternoon. He wants a future, proper stability, as I knew. I told him how I just get scared about the future and how I could end up back in the same situation once again. He understood and then admitted he gets scared everyday that I could get taken from him. By someone with more money, more stability, better educated etc. I hear that but I am glad he has some insecurities anyway. 

Anyway co co pops are calling …. 

Posted in Deceit, Journey, law, life, love, Mistakes, police, prison, Prisoner, prisonwives, relationship

I’m so angry !! 

Posted on by KerryLouise

Seriously! So angry! He can tell me what he likes but let’s face it I have absolutely no idea what he tells others. The number of times he assures me he’s cutting people out his life and how shit is going to change, how the events that have previously occurred due to his illegal activity will never happen again. I must be a fool to believe that, a fool. He tells me yesterday that he spoke to his cousin (the one who hasn’t so much wrote him a letter) and his excuse was ‘it hurts too much and he rather wait and give him money to help him on his feet when he’s released.’ MASSIVE LOL, what fucking bullshit. What money? Man don’t have no money for his own kids, and help him on his feet? They are all on drugs I swear. He’s coming home to me, to live with me, what does his cousin ACTUALLY think he will need?!? Why can’t my boyfriend just man up to him and tell him exactly what he tells me? It’s weird! This happened before, I was always competing with his jealous cousin like we are in some playground fighting over a best friend! Guess this is what I get for mixing with 21 year olds! 

Anyway I’m on Instagram doing my usual ‘anything but studying’ routine and his cousin has uploaded a picture of himself and my boy announcing to the world … ‘Cuzzy said look after the trap #hebeback’ with some pointless money emoticons. This translates to English as ‘let’s make more illegal money when he’s out.’ To be honest I don’t even care if he told him this and was lying to him because he’s certainly lying to one of us. Showing off to him like he still wants that life, like I know he doesn’t well THOUGHT I knew! Why can’t they just grow up?! I feel so hurt I just wish I NEVER met him!!