Category: sex

Posted in Diet, DomesticAbuse, Heartbreak, sex, Singlemum, weightloss, Women

My 2018 New Years Resolutions

Posted on by KerryLouise

So here we are 1st January 2018, a fun night was had and today as been a major ‘not giving a damn day.’ (I haven’t even brushed my hair)

Anyways I aim to set some resolutions and to make me accountable I am listing them in this blog.

  • Cut out caffeine/Drink more water – I know how good doing these simple things make me feel. I also know by doing these things I am less likely to eat crap. I also will have more energy, my skin will look better and I will stop the binge eating. Mad how just a herbal tea changes my whole mindset.
  • Move more – Since I have been working my exercise has dropped dramatically. I am aiming for 8,000 steps a day at least. Currently most days I only do around 2,000 which is terrible and far from the fitness level I was. I would love to get back into running too so I aim to actually get my arse to the gym.
  • Read more – Now I have my iPad with kindle back and still a load of unread books all for personal development I really want to read more. I may set my self mini tasks daily but of course my business law masters reading should take precedence. However the books I have are very important since it is all about healing from abuse.
  • Spend money more wisely – I do waste a lot of money and I am very carefree at times (until the last week before pay day). I will just monitor it better.
  • Write a book – we’ll finish it. Aiming for end of March!
  • Blog more and be more open about my experience – This I’ve been doing well since October anyway but I want to make sure this continues. Increase my audience, with the ultimate goal being to help and inspire other women to really say ‘I mean it this time’. Also increase my Facebook likes on my Page and grow the support Group also. I will also be super honest with everything, no matter how shameful it is.

So there we have it. My aims and goals for 2018. I also have the masters that I am doing and my job that I love, that I am super dedicated to the business development side. So all round it’s a positive bloody beginning to a year.

On a personal level too I really want to date more. My friend spoke about this to me before, explaining how fun it is and I should just do it. It will be part of the healing process but right now I am just communicating with men who are in theory ‘safe’ as we have history. So men that I know. M is obviously not going anywhere but I still feel like that’s a dangerous game, I am falling for him again. Doh! Or is it just because he’s being so nice to me? We actually laugh loads on the phone and he’s helping this process by making me more aware of how badly I was treated and also giving me faith that there is someone else out there. I did see an old flame on Saturday night, he’s one I met out over 4 years ago now. He’s also the same guy who I went with just before my ex was released from jail! That was as good as it always was with him. Again this is great for healing. I was so obsessed with the man who was abusing me and always said he was the best I ever had. Truth is it began to not feel that way! Sharing my body with him, my mind was constantly reminding me how truly awful he had been and I stopped fancying him as much as I did. Being around someone who is incredibly sexy, has never ill treated me, openly tells me how he’ll never forget that first night we met amongst other things to boost my ego and knows what he’s doing made the night 100x better!

So to finish, 2018 I will no longer be obsessed with my ex. The beginning of 2017 I was so sure I did not want anyone else, so adamant I just could never move on, not even sure I could ever kiss another man. I then started believing I would never love anyone as much as him and I would never connect so well sexually with another either but the past 4 weeks I’ve realised that also isn’t true.

I will love again and I will find a loving healthy relationship… when the time is right 😊

Posted in DomesticAbuse, Mistakes, mother, relationship, relationships, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum, Strength

She set her boundaries and rebuilt her life

Posted on by KerryLouise

A week on Monday I am presenting my presentation on boundaries to a group of fellow networkers. I’ve distanced myself from reading all about narcissism and abuse for a few days. It got too much, and I felt I was reliving too much of the abuse. He’s an abusive man there are no two ways about it I didn’t need to keep finding proof of that.

I’ve been in a better place recently. Like mentioned before realising more and more how a person should be treated by a sexual partner or even a close friend. It’s mad how much I put up with and how much I justified and considered normal.

I’ve been preparing my presentation and the more I am away and out of the abuse I can literally tick the majority of any lists that are about abuse available. Like the Stuff that is considered as emotional abuse and not just awful vile name calling.

• living in your home, and not contributing to the bills (boy yes. Always promised money but withheld it when I did something wrong)

• damaging your property – punching walls/smashing phones (3 holes in my wall and 3 phones)

• serial cheating and then blaming you for doing so (ALWAYS)

• threatening to cheat when sex is denied (he would tell me ‘you think I need your dead sex anyway’)

• cheating to prove that they are more desired than you are & telling you you will never find better (I can picture him now touching his face , saying how handsome he was and how I was old and ‘past it’)

• attempting to control what you wear – YES I have a voice recording of evidence of this

• Sexual coercion !!

~ making you feel like you owe them

~ continue to pressure you after you say no

~ playing on the fact you’re in a relationship – ‘if I don’t get sex from you I’ll get it elsewhere’ and his favourite ‘what a joke, can’t even get sex from my own woman’ oh and ‘you just can’t keep up with me’

~ trying to normalise their sexual expectations ‘I need it, I’m a man’

~ reacting negatively with sadness, anger or resentment if you say no or don’t immediately agree

This was all taken from an American domestic violence website. There were obviously many more abusive traits I just kept ticking off in my head. An abusive man to the very core, and for so so long I didn’t see it! I remember feeling mad with my old health visitor ‘he’s controlling’, she told me! I got my back up, convinced myself he wasn’t as I was allowed to go about my business. But the truth is ALL these things are about control, controlling the way I feel about myself, respect myself, things I do! I could go on, but I have a lot in this blog already.

I’m so excited about my presentation and I have booked in 5 more slots for next year around the East Midlands area. I will talk about these personal boundaries and then also the boundaries business owners should have. With that it links with my work and what my services are whilst networking.

We have court again next week, I feel petrified. I am also worried I won’t have even sorted legal aid in that time due to the fact I am giving up my mortgage. I shall not worry myself, it isn’t something I can change. However what I can remind myself is that I am now in control. I now have boundaries in place. I’ve evidenced that within new relationships (I use the word relationship loosely) but I know what it is to be respected now and what not to put up with. Lack of consideration for my feelings, ignoring blatant questions I have asked, anything verbally abusive, making me feel anyway other than content … then no! He’s got to go!

Posted in Abuse, relationships, DomesticAbuse, Heartbreak, Journey, life, Mistakes, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum, Strength

A Queen will always turn pain into power

Posted on by KerryLouise

I can’t even explain how good it feels to not have that constant awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. It was wearing me down, wearing me down so bad.

Imagine hearing the bull shit I love you’s whilst still being disrespected and still hoping for the man to step up and be a father. I think about where he might be and I don’t care. Trap yard no doubt or with the ‘partner’ he denied and also disrespected. Having no contact completely was literally the only way. The longer it goes on the clearer I see. He wasn’t letting me go for shit, despite what any bullshit he tells anyone else he was not!! Constantly promising me a dream and should I deny that dream abused me some more.

Reading my old blogs from pregnancy, even BEFORE I found out about ANY infidelity I wrote about how I couldn’t forgive him. This post back in September 2016 9 days to gooooo ! When I didn’t even realise I was being abused. All that nice him is an abusers trait called ‘love bombing’ or ‘hoovering’ . I will do a chapter on that in my book. July 2016 1st July ! Another post where I’m clearly so miserable and so unhappy. All because of him. I don’t want to be bitter but I dislike him to my core. Love pfft, I love the dream he faked, the promises he never kept. I pity his pathetic existence on this earth, so young yet so evil.

It all really shows how unhappy I was. I wasn’t even fully honest, so scared of what people would say! If I ever see him again it will be too soon. I’m so fucking proud of myself. Look at me, look what I’ve achieved! I allowed some low life abusive asshole shadow my life. Treat me so poorly, made me believe I was worthless and deserved it. Wrong mate! Wrong!

My distraction agreed to see me last night after his night out since I wanted to go to my friends instead. After I had to convince him that I would wake up, I began feeling anxious he wouldn’t come. He text saying ‘can’t wait to see you’, I felt uneasy and remembered times my abuser did that and then didn’t show. He didn’t do that though, that’s because he actually respects other people. He isn’t a narcissist sociopath like my ex, he’s sweet, caring and just a shame he’s a little young 🤭

The pain that has been caused by my ex is unmeasurable. I just knew that one day I would find that inner strength from somewhere. I kinda hoped I could get to a stage where I was not affected by his cold unpleasant words and actions. Hoping I could break free naturally without the need of court intervention but like even his mother said, if I waited until he no longer wanted me. No longer wanted to control me, I could be waiting forever. I remember that talk she had with me, ‘I had the strength and I just know you have it too.’ Funny how now she has accused me of ‘making it all up’. There is something VERY wrong with people like her!

Posted in DomesticAbuse, Girltalk, Heart, Heartbreak, Mistakes, prisonwives, relationship, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum

The Truth will Conquer

Posted on by KerryLouise

I’ve had a good day today. Well better than still can be expected. It really is always a rollercoaster of emotions. Spoke to M last night for ages. It’s so nice to actually chat with someone and just get on. He makes jokes about me being his girl and we talk about life before. I guess I find him comforting as he’s followed the process since I’ve know him since 2015. He is also highly complimentary and there’s something more satisfying getting that from someone who you’ve actually known. Like you can chat with guys online but generally they will be complimentary since they are trying to smooth talk and charm. From M it seems more real.

It’s when I’m driving in my car alone I get most of my flash backs (apart from yesterday morning in the shower). I was driving back from MK today and I just thought about her letter again. To think I even screen shotted her proof that he text saying how much he loved me just the day before. So blind, so foolish. What bothers me is the fact he makes out to anyone who listens that he can’t see his daughter because I’m basically jealous and bitter! That’s what fucking bothers me because that is so so far from the truth. I know the truth will conquer but until that time I can’t help but have how the conversation would go in my head. I feel so sorry for her writing this letter when he was begging me on Monday, begging me prior to that and slagging her off to me. Continuing to deny her and telling me he fucked her off. How he ruined everything for a stupid mistake with an ugly old coke taker. It’s crazy how he thinks that’s the only reason but hey. Apparently he isn’t sleeping (he did look a mess) and every time he sees a buggy and a family it kills him. Heard this before, shame he kept forgetting that feeling ey! He had enough chances at it.

Anyway when I got home I pulled up my statement that was written for the non molestation order (you know the one I’m supposedly manipulating the services with). It’s brutal. It dates right back to march 2016 where he punched me in the stomach and I had a bleed when pregnant. I mention the smashing up on my phones x3. The bruises, the fat lips and the fact he’s bit my face before. I talk about the bad innocent in January 2017 and then also the most recent with the hard punch in my rib. Then it explains how I suspected another woman but he was denying it and wouldn’t leave me alone. It’s all in there. Furthermore every fucking thing is backed up with evidence. June 2016 when I went into the hospital crying and high blood pressure. My maternity notes had safeguarding warnings, when I was in labour I was asked repeatedly if I was ok him being there. I guess my midwife knew more than she let on! The evidence of all the pictures that were taken by the police. I have holes in my walls! Then the most recent one was witnessed by my 9 year old daughter who told a teacher at the school ! My social worker has seen bruises and all my tears. Other health professionals have been trying to warn me and one in particular I’ve kept in contact with and she has her own batch of evidence. Why the hell am I still finding myself trying to justify myself. HE FUCKING ABUSED ME! I am manipulating NO ONE! He hadn’t seen my statement until Monday, I bet he didn’t show her it. He has been instructed to issue a statement by 8th December, the thought of his response is making me so anxious! The lies are real killers.

I was with my friend today who is also on her own and her baby doesn’t see her dad. We both agreed that yeh our girls may want to find their dads in the future but they’ll soon learn that their mummy’s did the right thing. I love my baby with all my heart and my eldest of course. They are simply my world and I spent so long chasing something that was never going to happen thinking that was for the best. It wasn’t , he isn’t and he doesn’t deserve his daughter or me and my eldest either.

I was looking through photos tonight I want to get some printed for My baby to look back on and see that daddy was in her life at one point. I screenshotted a meme that made me sad and highlighted how much shit I’ve put up with.

28th September 2016 that was on my camera roll. How fitting , and I felt like that from March 2016 – June 2017. Then I just knew I needed to somehow get away. June 2017 on the hen do he tried to sabotage then got angry because I wore a dress I shouldn’t of I did actually get drunk and cry and just said ‘I deserve better.’ I was no longer wanting or hoping for change. He had done too much!

This whole time I’ve had too much empathy, felt bad when he ‘felt bad.’ Didn’t like the thought of him hurting and feeling sorry for himself. Not anymore! He never cared for me, not really. He only loved me when he was in the mood to be nice. He didn’t care when I was sitting up all night waiting for him, threatening suicide or more recently telling him I was lonely and I wanted someone new. How dare I want a new relationship though, of course that made me a slag or I heard more empty promises how things were soon changing.

Typical narcissist, promising amazing stuff it doesn’t happen and all they care about is them!!

Posted in alone, baby, cheat, Deceit, DomesticAbuse, Girltalk, Heart, Heartbreak, Lonely, love, relationship, relationships, sex, Singlemum

I have an addiction..

Posted on by KerryLouise

.. And I can see that now. That addiction is in the form of a man. A man who has treated me so so badly yet I cannot for the life of me seem to break the cycle. I love him. I love him too much. 

My last post showed some strength. He went to London that night and a week later he was in my bed again. Oh my GOD what a night.. We didn’t get any sleep and we had passionate amazing intimate sex all night. It wasn’t my plan, no way was it! I had gone 2 weeks not doing that with him and that was literally the longest time. To anyone who doesn’t understand how these types of relationships work 2 weeks may seem pathetic but for me it was a big step. 

Having his phone number blocked and changing my number was also a big step but the Friday after I sent him on his way he got my number from his sisters phone. We facetimed, he saw his baby and he looked sad. Sad and lost and gutted about how everything had turned out. Told me I looked beautiful and how he had missed us. There were a few disagreements throughout the day but so irrelevant now I can’t go into them. He acts that way when he doesn’t get his own way! Angry, aggressive , I was called a dirty little tramp but that’s minor to what I’ve been called in the past. We didn’t part the conversation on bad terms though and he asked me to call him the next day, I said maybe. I didn’t ! (Another big step) I woke up to texts from his sisters phone , his number was still blocked and I was strong and didn’t reply. That afternoon he called from a number I didn’t know and explained he had been calling and texting etc and that he was coming back that night. ‘OMG’ my heart dropped. I made a promise to myself I wouldn’t ring again and I wouldn’t get anxious about the time he would show but I couldn’t help it. Back to previous rows about his inability to judge time and how long it would take him to get here. I needed to calm down, this man no longer rules my life. He eventually showed, 2 hours later than he originally stated but he was there. Sweet talking, led to me feeling weak and vulnerable. Once again I found myself in his arms, staring into his eyes and having absolutely no self control. It feels so right because it is just completely so wrong and so forbidden. 

I felt OK the next day. He made comments about how he was so scared that he thought he had really lost me, I made it clear he didn’t have me back but let’s be honest he knows he’s still got me. He promised his timing, his support, his contact and everything else was going to prove to me that he wants me. He wants us and all the previous shit he has put me through was just him getting completely lost in a oblivion of drink and his problem with cannabis. 

It was good for 2 weeks, early for his time with Ariana. Spent time with me, watching films having a laugh and being with Ariana together as well as watching her whilst I got to go to the gym and pop into town. The Sunday after he even broke down to me saying how he can’t do it anymore he needs me back properly and he cannot cope without me. I cradled him like a baby, assuring him things will be ok we both just need more time. He got in touch with his feelings and explained how strong I am, how he can’t believe what he’s put me through and that he would never cope if I had left him to be with someone else. He often said please let me home, told me it would ease me. Times without him sent me angry sometimes, he would get abusive texts from me which he took on the chin and explained that he knew he had to take it. Wanted to be around me more so I wouldn’t over think about all the bad stuff. I still wasn’t ready for that. 

During this time I started to convince myself that maybe I am addicted to this drama. The chaos that this relationship brings. I don’t want boring, I can’t do boring and knowing full well I would end up with him but just didn’t want to put that label on it just yet! I had been talking to other men, nothing real not really but last Thursday night he showed his true colours once more after seeing a text message from one particular guy. When that guy then sent me flowers the next day that didn’t bode well either. 

Is he serious ? I won’t ever be loyal he screamed. “As usual I’m the one with men on my phone!” Look what he’s put me through in regards to other girls, hearing them in the background where he’s openly admitted that he’s with them. Two wrongs don’t make a right he would say…. Funny when it’s him ‘getting revenge’ then that’s ok.

Saturday was an amazing day for us both. He spoke about how when he was inside and he just longed to touch me, he took it for granted and he wasn’t going to anymore. Told me no other woman makes him feel the way I do and he loves how we can just be silly together. Best sex of his life it is, talking about how we just fit so perfect and I have to agree. In the bedroom we are so compatible. The fantasy of me and him changed when he couldn’t find his hat, he kicked off. Blaming me again, indirectly of course because that’s what abusers do. Using words to make me feel like I am to blame yet when I stand up to him he twists it to that I’m going crazy. Hat finding then developed into me rubbing it in his face regarding other men. My flowers were seen chucked across the room and my phone once again hidden. I got my phone back but he didn’t want to talk, he ignored my calls and so I gave up and went to my friends. I was upset, why act so irrational?! It’s been going so well. Familiar behaviour I’ve witnessed so many times before. He then began trying to call me, texting me …  I ignored him for a change. How dare he go on like he did earlier?! All that was meant to have stopped ! 

5:30am he called and I answered. I let him in and he explained that he just gets so jealous. He cannot bare me with anyone else and he just wants me to himself. Again the sex is incredible, he performs oral sex for the first time in months. That’s a big deal for him, and I 100% believe him that I am still the only woman he’s ever done that too. We share a shower together after I went for my run and I’m feeling once again on a high on that rollercoaster. 

That’s until I received a message on Facebook, from one of the girls I saw on his phone before. He told me she was someone he cheated on that other girl with when we broke up, but the conversation I had with her showed me he had tried to start things up again. They had indeed met back in September once again showing me the girl he went off with he definitely didn’t care about anymore than just a place to stay. This man is insane, so insecure that by not having me properly and seeing me have other men to speak to he just HAS to do the same! I’m so numb to him with others now I don’t react… Boy but he does. Takes my phone, smashes it off the floor because of the conversation with the man who sent me flowers. Acting like a man possessed. My phone completely smashed up and yet he’s still spewing venom at me. I’m being a snake, being a stalker, how I’m not being loyal anyway. Once again all my fault. My phone!!! I was so angry!! How is it ok for him to continue the way he does but I have a few texts and some flowers sent and I’m the one punished !! 

The next 24 hours are crucial. He doesn’t leave me alone. He calls the girl and tells her to delete his number, tells her he’s sorry but he wants and loves me. (He’s never done that before!) Its a continuous exhausting back and forth arguments, where he would say sorry and beg and plead. I find out he saw her the night before my birthday. I JUST KNEW IT! He is incapable of being loyal. He needs all these girls to feed his big ego. I agree with him our sex life has got better again, I’m sure it’s due to my body springing back. I am definitely more confident and of course looking and feeling better and he said how he made a mistake after the flowers but woke up with feelings of regret Saturday morning. Really? Really now?! 

Sunday night sees me unable to sleep next to him. So angry he can smash up my phone, shout abuse after everything he’s done to me and still doing just won’t leave my head. I’m telling him he’s disgusting, how he makes me sick. I want to hurt him when he turns those words back on me… How fucking dare he?! He should be taking this, not trying to undermine my loyalty. “Oh and you’re miss perfect are you?” Sends me fucking angry. I try hit him, he gets the better of me once again. I have bruises! I have a hole in my living room wall. He just cannot cannot see things from my perspective. 

I went to the police again, his violence has got worse. He hasn’t learnt shit. It’s so so scary how well he can lie. The shower we shared where he promised no other woman since we split, he hasn’t dared apparently. Fucking bullshit. Then he can say ‘well I am single’ … SO AM I!!! Yet I still have a broken phone and mashed up flowers! 

Yesterday I began regretting calling that woman with him present. If I had waited my phone wouldn’t have been smashed and I wouldn’t have got so angry by the double standards. I was provoking him through the night but I just could not cope with him being able to sleep after the day we had had. This recent bird wasn’t the problem it was his actions ! Even after the phone smashing, the arguments we still had sex. Insane!! Then he would cuddle me and I would feel sick and angry again. 

I have to not blame myself though. He made the choice to smash up my phone. He made the choice to go to her on Friday night in response to some fucking flowers. He has done so so much that it was bound to come to blows eventually. 

We’ve spoke since, he knows there is a warrant out for his arrest. He’s cried again, even before he left me he kissed all my bruises ‘that wasn’t me’ he would explain. But it is and it isn’t right. 

I’m reading a book. It’s giving me strength, I’ve been a victim of domestic abuse for 12 months and I am not afraid to admit it. I can relate so much to everything in the book and although I love him I know I cannot deal with it for any longer. I will send myself mental. A friend told me of a statistic that shows a high proportion of women in asylum are actually there due to emotional and psychological from abusive partners. I can see that!

Due to the police involvement the school have been working closely with me. Today we had a meeting which was scheduled even before the recent episode. At times I felt criticised by the 6 professionals sat around me but they all assured me that I am an amazing mum and I left the meeting feeling good.

The social worker has recommended no direct contact with him. They can all see how much I love him too and how it’s likely I will go back to him but right now it isn’t healthy for me or my children. They are right. They explained that they have seen men in the school that have changed after professional intervention but I know full well I shouldn’t get my hopes up. I need to have some little hope though to get myself through this. 

Right now I’m concentrating on educating myself about abusive men, reminding myself of what I have been through and knowing that with or without him I will eventually be happy. I have my beautiful children, I have the rest of my life. I will use this experience in some way to turn it into a positive. I want to write my book and focus on my career. Experiences are what moulds us! 

I wish I didn’t love him so much! 

Posted in alone, baby, cheat, Company, Diet, DomesticAbuse, Heart, Heartbreak, intimate, life, Lonely, love, Mistakes, mother, Parenting, pregnancy, pregnant, relationship, relationships, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum

A day without crying ? 

Posted on by KerryLouise

I woke up yesterday with a sickness bug. I hate being sick. I hate it even more when I have no one around me to take care of me. It made me feel emotional, I couldn’t believe it was now entering the fourth day without contact with the ex. How was he feeling?! Does he even care? I knew he was probably playing the victim, even in his own head, guaranteed he’s still got it inside him that it’s all my fault. ‘What kind of woman gets his man locked?’ He’ll be asking.  I cast my mind back to the number of times he would just attack me with words about how I bet I would do that too him. I’m that type of girl, I’m low like that. Back then I never would, he just went TOO far. 

I did call him today from my mums phone, I know how his mind works and he’ll just be building up more hate for me if I don’t attempt contact. If I call him and ask when he wants his clothes he can’t blame me for not having them can he? He admitted he had tried to call me, used someone else’s phone and had been to the flat, that made me feel better. I asked him if I should take his clothes to that girls work place, he snapped back ‘why should you?’ He said he wasn’t staying there, last time he admitted he was staying with his new girlfriend so I have no reason to doubt him. Or do I ?! To be honest it is unlikely, unless she really is a desperate needy slag. Alarm bells would certainly ring to me if he was suddenly needing to be there all the time, despite him telling her he lives at his grandmas oh and not to mention the lies he told her even about his name. Anyway who cares, even if she doesn’t know now she’ll work it out herself. 

I asked him if he was happy, he said ‘do I sound happy?!’ I asked him if he’s missed me and he said ‘yeh I have.’ I didn’t tell him I missed him, I wasn’t going to give him that satisfaction. I felt better after the call, and I feel good this morning. 

I felt a bit low when I got in from my dads last night. I told them how I got myself in a cycle where he was the one to make me feel so low and drill me into the ground but I relied on him to bring me back up again. I hate it when I miss him, because I only miss the small amounts of time it was good. I need to remember the times I felt sick when I didn’t know where he was, the anxiousness I would feel when I worry whether he’s going to show up or not. The anger I would get when his phone was off or he wouldn’t answer the calls. The disrespectfulness when he would tell me to get off his line, tell me I was a fucking dickhead, a fucking prick, a slag. He would scream at me how I wasn’t a real woman, how I made him sick to his bones, more recently how I was dead to him and how he could get any girl he wanted, where as I was old with two kids. When I was pregnant he would tell me he feels sorry for his daughter having a mother like me, how I’m constantly stressing out his daughter and I’m a mess. I could go on but it’s not necessary, this stuff is enough. 

He always manipulated everything so it was always some how my fault. We would plan a night out, a meal and some time together. He would cause an argument and tell me this was the reason he never wanted to be around me, how I was boring and I bring it all on my self. I feel sick when I look back at times when he clearly went off with that other girl and realistically god knows how many girls there has been. He’s an animal and he’s vile and I am proud in myself that I can finally see everything he has done to me was never my fault. I justified his actions so many times and I can honestly say even if he shows me change I will never ever get over what he’s done to me. Destroyed me, abused me and trampled all over me during a time when I needed a man. A real man. 

I am out tonight, he said he would show up today to get some clothes. I hope he doesn’t, the buzzer is still on private and I’ll try go out this afternoon. My gorgeous princess slept from 9:30pm – 6am and right now she’s happily sat in her chair talking to herself. I’m the real winner, I have so much love in my daughters and my whole life ahead of me. What the hell does he have?! 

I reckon I can go the whole of today with no tears and I really cannot wait to go out tonight. 

Posted in alone, baby, cheat, Company, Deceit, Diet, DomesticAbuse, Heart, Heartbreak, Journey, life, Lonely, love, Mistakes, mother, Parenting, police, pregnancy, pregnant, prison, Prisoner, prisonwives, relationship, relationships, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum, Strength, Weight, weightloss, Women

How am I feeling? 

Posted on by KerryLouise

The question on all my friends and families lips right now… how do you answer such a question when each hour my feelings change so much ?

I feel weak, then remind myself what he’s put me through and realise weak I am definitely not. My world was falling apart when my baby was just 2 weeks old and I had found out about his other life! But I stayed strong for my newborn and my eldest daughter. Continued to breastfeed although the pain was unreal and developed mastitis twice. Bills were still payed and my babies were happy! That is not weak!

I feel like I miss him. I miss the loving him, the side of him that would look at me like he was absolutely smitten. The way we would joke together and laugh. The way he looked at our baby and we would all just chill in bed together cooing over how gorgeous she is. His touch which would melt me and hands down give me the best sex of my life. Then remind myself relationships isn’t just about good sex (especially when you know he’s been going elsewhere too), relationships require team work. Something he used to always drill in my head, tell me I never work with him. Tell me I’m not on his page I’m in a completely different book to him (That’s rich!) and he needs a woman he can work with. Even when his sister and mother asked him what I don’t do that he needs, he walked out the room saying ‘I can’t think right now.’ Evenings he was never around, even before the cheating again. He would answer my calls though and come home, he isn’t bright to think I would notice when those things changed! I’m lonely right now without him but I was lonely with him… so what’s the difference!

I feel angry, I keep thinking about what his mum said to me over text message. Annoyed that she asked ME to remind myself of the traumatic experience we all had when he was in HMP before. Asked ME to not get him locked again. So mad that I’m once again being the one to blame if he ends up back in jail, yet he has risked his freedom every fucking day since he was released. He doesn’t listen to you ?? So why should I ?

I feel mad that his friend can tell me ‘he really loves his daughter.’ NO!! A man who loves his daughter does not choose to disappear all night when the mother of his child had a caesarean and can’t even get out of bed. A man who loves his daughter is around a lot more than he has been to help when things get a little bit too much for the woman who is caring for her. A man who loves his daughter does not take as long as he did to finally come home and get rid of whatever little fling he had previously. A man who loves his daughter does not stand me up as much as he did when we were seperated which meant he went without seeing her. A man who loves his daughter does not psychologically abuse the mother who is caring for that daughter to the point where they hyperventilate, cut themselves and bang their head against a wall to just get them to SHUT UP!! A man who loves his daughter, and apparently loves the women too DOES not choose to be laid up in another women’s bed knowing full well the psychological impact that would have on said woman caring for daughter. A man who loves his daughter DOES NOT continue dealing drugs or be involved in violence relating to such crime in fear that they’d end up in prison and that daughter then has to grow up without a daddy. DO NOT TELL ME he LOVES his daughter …. I love MY daughter. I show real love !

I feel sad that I gave him that many chances, believed him 100 million times that it was us he wanted, that he would change his ways and now it’s literally got so past breaking point that he’s not allowed near me. He will have to arrange contact for his daughter via a contact centre and that social services are also involved. I gave him many opportunities to do this as just friends, do this seperated but that just wasn’t good enough for him either. He was ok to act single but I wasn’t and he would drill into me how I’ll always be his! Them times I believed him, I didn’t want anyone else, still so sure he’d come good. Even after the cheating this time he made me agree that I would try again in the future, let him prove it to me properly. That didn’t last, since he was back to his old tricks of going between me and another girl AGAIN!

I feel bitter that this new girl has probably believed him. What a low class female she is! Accepting a man you’ve known 2 weeks, told you a fake name and cheated on his missus and baby with you! Well I have certainly more self respect than you my love and I just sleep at night knowing he’ll cause you more shit than he’s really worth!

I feel better! Getting this all out, I feel loads better!

Posted in cheat, court, Deceit, Detox, Diet, exercise, Fitness, Heart, Heartbreak, Lonely, love, police, prison, prisonwives, relationship, relationships, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum, Strength, Weight, weightloss, Women

I was desperate

Posted on by KerryLouise

So many emotions , so little calories consumed and many tears. He did come home after day 6, denying he was at the girls house. He came in at 2am, I stuck to my word and did not succumb to his sorrys and pleas. I would not fall for it again and have sex with him, knowing how I would feel less than 2 hours later. Need some self respect. I’m not saying nothing happened, he was touching me and kissing me but I would not let him get what he wanted. This didn’t bode well, the vileness started, and it’s crazy but sitting here and I feel so numb and tired to things he was saying I can’t even remember! He definitely blamed me for keeping my eldest daughter off school as she was sick, telling me I’m not thinking about baby. Told me I was a joke for having coconut oil but never using it on my baby. Said how he was on to my friend and so I should watch myself when I’m in town and moving on to any man. Picking at me for not being the real loyal true woman he needed.

Then it changed, laughing and joking how he needs me, how my sex is the best he’s ever had. That no way will he allow anyone else to have me. Promised he wasn’t at her house till 2am, he came home to me because he wants me. I’m smarter though, he knew about the text I had sent her, told me I was embarrassing. Asking me what was wrong with me. I then see another new text on his phone from her and it made it even clearer. She believed him over me AGAIN. I REFUSE to be caught up with another love triangle , my mindset changed completely. I wanted this over, this all ended. I needed peace and quiet not his awful attitude lies and constant circle I’ve experienced for the past YEAR!! My phone had disappeared and I just knew he had it. My only hope right now , as he just wasn’t leaving but constantly in my face poking my head and not leaving me alone, was to use Facebook to message my sisters to call the police. I meant it this time … GAME OVER!

Police came and I broke down to the nice female officer. I showed her a huge bruise on my knee and it was enough to have him arrested for assault. At least I knew he’d be locked for a few hours with only his own thoughts. Let him be the one unable to get hold of me for a change! Let him just lay there not being able to talk to anyone because that’s how I’ve been for so long! Kept so much to myself trying to protect him.

He came to me at 3am this morning. Foolishly let him in in the hope he’d give me my phone back. He didn’t and it was oh so easy to not fall for his charm, the nastiness outweighed the charm this time.

Went from telling me he’s addicted to me and can’t lose me to him pushing me in my mouth so I hit my head on the radiator. Then he would say sorry and how he promises to change and would stop dealing just to keep me, my response that it was too late turned him sour again. Told me that it was me preventing him from moving on because I was messaging people ‘fucking up his shit.’ Sorry but I’m pretty sure you can’t move on whilst your still sleeping with me and you have a new girlfriend who thinks your name is Donovan and you leave hers to go ‘do a shot’ and don’t go back to her to just then come to me! He’s a mental character and it is now definitely the end of our road!

He left without telling me where my phone was. He enjoyed keep telling me different places and knowing full well it wasn’t there and would just watch me scramble to wherever he said. Just a bully!

I got it out of him today and luckily I have my phone back. This evening I’ve had his mum pleading that I drop the charges. Trying to say it’s both of us, we are both to blame and we are not being mature. I replied with anger, NO WAY will I continue to sugar coat this and pretend it’s normal. I will not take blame for this anymore nor will I feel bad if he ends up back in jail! I’ve been in jail this past year, my heart has been locked, he has had his control and now it’s time for my release date.

10th January 2017 … my new life starts now!

Posted in alone, baby, cheat, Company, Deceit, Detox, exercise, Fitness, Heart, Heartbreak, Ibiza, Journey, life, Lonely, love, Mistakes, mother, Parenting, relationship, relationships, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum, Strength, Uncategorized, Weigh, Weight, weightloss, Women

Day 5

Posted on by KerryLouise

Woke up at my friends house and felt quite strong. I think it surprised her and we spoke about it. I agreed that him not having anyone made it easier but equally I’ve learnt from the last time! 

I went home about midday and I was greeted by the vile character again. Moaning how I had woke him up! Ummm excuse me ? Your lucky you had a bed to sleep in! He began by saying I did push him, shifting the blame AGAIN! Saying some of the words I had said stuck in his head, reminded me of the day we had an argument and he was eating in the cafe she worked in. That’s the day he got her number. That made me sick !! 

I kept asking why so cold? Why so calculated and pre-meditated? Not even trying to cover it up by disappearing completely on me. Like one night he text me at 3am saying ‘baby I’m coming now I only love and want you’ … and never came!! What makes someone click like that?? He doesn’t know! He told me it hadn’t registered yet .. that we were over. Hasn’t hit him. He tried to have sex with me, he was close but I stayed strong. 

My sister wanted to call him last night. She came over for some wine, she helped me a lot. Just the company and the laughs. His phone was off , she then text her … not sure yet if she got a response. I laid awake a lot assuming she’s let him back in. She seemed very sure when she spoke to me, laughing at him in fact, apologising to me. But hey I know how good he is with his words.. ‘this is what I needed to get away’, ‘I’ll prove it to you’ , ‘let me just stay until I get somewhere,’ who knows what he’s said. God his words make me sick. Fake fraudulent person! 

Even if she has had him back, I won’t be fighting for his attention this time. I’ll just be glad that someone else has to put up with his bullshit. His coming and going as he pleases. His lack of support financially. His boyish behaviour!! She can deal with it all… she can fight for his attention because let’s face it. He won’t leave me alone, he never will. 

I’m actually excited. My baby isn’t just 2 weeks old this time. She’s nearly 4 months. I can have a social life and I am going too. I’m going to go to Ibiza this year again, to which he said ‘no fucking way.’ I’m going to date and meet people ! I’m buzzing! We have our holiday booked, told him we would still go. If he doesn’t pay though, I won’t and I’ll see if a friend will come instead. His fucking loss!! 

Under my calorie goal again, although once again drank wine. 

Life will be good! 

Posted in cheat, Deceit, Diet, exercise, Heart, Heartbreak, life, Lonely, love, mother, relationship, relationships, sex, Weigh, Weight, weightloss, Women

Day 3

Posted on by KerryLouise

I was a bit drunk to write this before I went to bed. I skipped dinner and went for the wine instead. 852 calories consumed in total and 7,151 steps. Amazing what stress and anxiety has done for my diet! 


So my gut was correct. The last 2 weeks he was cheating on me again!! The man, sorry boy is an absolute joke of a human being. He thinks I’d fall for it all again, no f’ing way. I suspected it these 2 weeks and he told me I was going crazy, told me I was paranoid. How he understood that trust takes a while!! But I was right!! I was so right and you know what … that feels good! 

I spoke to the girl, she’s 20, luckily she has no emotional attachment to him and so she doesn’t want to know. She apologised for not talking to me before and I apologised for calling her the names I did but she understood why. He lied and told her our baby was 1 ! Told her he was living at his grandmas… the same old shit. Told me the same bullshit stories as to why he wasn’t coming back and I just knew !! He hasn’t even gave it a proper chance … straight back into another girls bed. Just shows how little feelings he had for that last one too. 

He began by trying to deny it to me and then I hear ‘I’ve fucked up can we talk.’ No fucking way!! He also said ‘don’t be gassed we both know what’s going to happen.’ He literally believes I would take him back again! Hahaha no chance in hell. 

Anyway yes I’ve cried, yes I’m gutted but to be honest I needed it. He’s wotless , doesn’t have a hope in hell in succeeding and the sooner he’s back inside the better! 

I do not need him at all!!