Category: Parenting

Posted in DomesticAbuse, Fitness, Journey, Parenting, Singlemum, Women

Preparation, plan, focus!

Posted on by KerryLouise

I’ve only just started writing in my 2018 diary, transferring the stuff over from my old one to my new one. Today hasn’t been as structured as I would have liked. I slept until late and before I knew it it was 2pm. I have applied for an extension on my essays, I’m hoping I have good grounds what with the non-molestation order and everything else. That being said I still need to read the designated reading! Get focused!

My exercise has hit my goal – over 8,000 steps ✅ and no caffeine ✅. I enjoyed a peppermint tea and water!

My book is taking a back seat for a while. I have written 20,000 words and I am now moving on to the chapters about spotting red flags, how to get out and how the process afterwards. I have wrote 3 pages of notes since last night which I will go back to when I feel ready to write again. Today I have had more women reach out to me, oh and including one on New Year’s Eve in my Facebook group. I did a ‘introduce me’ thread and it’s crazy how much is so so similar, especially around the infidelity, love triangles and gaslighting.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is SUCH a big topic. My experiences of being in a relationship with one is never ending, and I also want to write in a way that keeps readers engaged to the end. Shorter blogs are better, I know many of mine are far too long.

I have had an angry day today. Realising I can’t claim on my insurance for the phone he definitely lost or the phone I suspect he stolen. My poor daughter loses out because of him. Luckily her dad has a phone I just need to get the screen fixed so that calmed me down slightly. Let’s remember what is going on here, emotions are crazy anyway after a break up of a relationship, let alone when the break up is with someone who is a narcissist. I am thankful for the no contact, it does make things 1000x easier.

One thing that no contact does do, is give you a big slap of realisation. Realising exactly how much he did, how much he controlled, how evil and vile he really was. This is hard to accept and deal with. I loved this man, I loved him with all my heart and soul. I think back to, or read back on my blogs and in the past his letters too from when he was in jail. Tiny steps .. was fooled, he got me exactly where he wanted me, my judgement was so so wrong and recognising this makes me angry some more. How dare he do all he’s done to me. How dare he. I find myself revisiting points in my life and remember thinking I knew what was going on but now I question every single thing he ever said to me. All the desperate lies, the projection and lack of regard for my feelings at all. All this trauma is stupidly hard to deal with.

Again even the reasons why it’s so hard after is a massive subject so I will do a little bit each day. It will help with my time management too.

Ok I must read a chapter from my EU law book, try for an early night as tomorrow is going to hurt getting up at 7am 😩😩

Posted in DomesticAbuse, Heartbreak, Parenting, Singlemum, Women

Goodbye 2017 ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

I know that New year New me stuff can be seen as a cliche, but for me this year … It is definitely more than that.

I say goodbye to 2017 feeling pretty darn positive. I literally have 6 dresses to decide from, my beautiful daughters by my side, I will be spending the evening with some of my favourite people and of course a drink or two. What more could a girl ask for?

I learnt a lot this year. I am no longer ashamed about what has happened. Disappointed yes, but not ashamed. The past four years of my life haven’t felt like mine, none of it should have happened to a girl like me. I have of course blamed myself for letting it but the truth is anything can happen to anyone and nothing will ever prepare you.

So 2018 is my new journey. Healing and over coming the events I have endured. Using the pain and turning such a big negative into a positive. My mind is filled with positivity and I have so many ideas I may explode! I know I’ll still have bad days, I know this journey isn’t over yet but …

…. 2018 I am so ready!

Posted in baby, Beauty, book, DomesticAbuse, life, Lonely, Mistakes, Parenting, Singlemum, Strength, Women

Too much wasted time

Posted on by KerryLouise

Self development is so important and I realise that more and more everyday. No matter the industry you work in you should always do a bit of personal development. A networking meeting I went to this morning spoke of this and also a few other areas that I really want to apply in my life more.

I already write to do lists but I should do it for my personal tasks too. I have had no iphone since Tuesday yet I still haven’t managed to do the things I really need to get a move on in doing. Luckily I have fixed my laptop so writing my essays won’t be a problem in that sense, but I need to bloody write them. It’s mad how having no phone panicked me when it shut down, but it has been quite nice too. I was mostly concerned about M, he would try and call and wonder where I was. Tonight, being Thursday I swapped my sim to my work phone and he called. He was concerned bless him, but I also had a text message from the police.

I feel sick. It is so mad to think about how much determination I have in making my abuser pay for what he has done, but even then that slight connection I had with him again tonight has chipped away a bit at my strength. I feel sad he is missing out on our beautiful happy bright baby girl but at the same time where the fuck was he when I wanted him there. Often he chose another girls bed over being with us or I don’t know what is worse a trap yard. The times I NEEDED him, when I was recovering from a c-section, or the times I had mastitis and was so poorly but still made sure our baby was fed. A baby could have been the making of him, getting released from jail could have been. I HATE that I want to know what happened between him and the letter writer. Maybe she saw sense? Maybe he showed his true colours quickly? He was never bothered about her, just a new game for him to get at me some more! SICK AND CRUEL!

When I feel like I am doing the wrong thing I must remind my self of everything, the sleepless nights, the feeling that me and this innocent beautiful baby wasn’t enough, the times I begged and cried for him to be a father. What about the times he made me look stupid crazy and pathetic in front of whatever new fling he had. WHAT FUCKING ARSEHOLE! The way that made me feel, the man I had devoted so much of my life too could treat me like that. He deserves nothing. Like nothing.

I wasted enough time with him, I waste too much time thinking about him and I waste far too much time doing things that have absolutely no benefit to me at all.

Focus! Focus! Focus! I wish I didn’t care. I need to do me!

Posted in Abuse, relationships, alone, baby, Birth story, Challenge, DomesticAbuse, Heart, Heartbreak, Mistakes, mother, Parenting, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum

They do more harm than good…

Posted on by KerryLouise

… in some situations.

Like I don’t want to knock the whole service as I completely understand how over stretched and over worked they are but in my case and for my family they have done absolutely nothing. They have been completely no benefit at all.

Social Services!

The scary thing is I spoke up, I was honest, I admitted how unhappy I was. Showed them bruises and was very open to the fact he came and went as he pleased. Yet I still was drowning and being ignored. As much as he and his family (now say) think that his actions were acceptable it completely is not. What kind of stability is that for a child. When he let me down, he let them down too. When he disappeared and was uncontactable, he did that to them too. What kind of man does that let alone a father! One that genuinely believes it is ok and has been taught that it is ok that’s who. Looking back at the 100’s, yes 100’s of times he either came late, or not at all, he literally angers me so much. Who taught him basic human respect because he certainly does not have any. He wasn’t just late, he tormented me with it too. So so cruel, would either sweet talk me and say he would make it up to me (still waiting), shout and scream at me for even daring to question his wear abouts, would simply tell me ‘something came up and to stop over-reacting’, threaten that if I carried on he wouldn’t come home at all. He loved me crying and begging him, loved it! If he promised to come round (more recently) and I said ‘not tonight’ simply because I was not up for his lateness games he screamed some more. Accused me of having someone else, told me that this is why he didn’t treat me good and he isn’t going to bother even trying. Sometimes he would tell me he was on his way and not come at all. If you don’t think that that is emotional abuse then there is something deeply wrong with you too! It’s disgusting, someone so desperate as a new mum like I was and he thought it ok to treat me like that. He’s an animal. I feel angry today. I want to scream at him, scream at his mother too and put that dumb letter writing bitch in her place. All these thoughts still going on in my head, how do I get past it? When do I get closure?

I’m waiting for my social worker. I haven’t seen her in a month. She needs to follow protocols and procedures which when my children are on plan purely because of witnessing his behaviour then what are ad-hoc visits going to achieve? As I said I even utilised my visits by telling her what was going on and STILL nothing moved forward. There has never been any concerns of the welfare of my children other than when it came to him. They can’t see their mummy with bruises on her face, or upset and anxious, or experiencing him not coming when he says he would (this is all in the report). They need peace and love and support. Him dealing drugs and answering drug calls in front of them or telling me stories of him getting beat up. Who will they come after next? Exactly why his mother sent him to Northampton. It’s dangerous for drug dealers and the loved ones too. He didn’t care though, he just thought he was putting in the work ready for a future (whilst shagging about in the process). I literally never thought I could have so much hate for him and I do. But with hate comes love (he used to say that) and it’s true. I loved him SO much. He made me so weak, I would have done anything for him. All I wanted was a good honest future for him. I knew he had a good heart and I repeatedly let him disrespect me in the hope we could be a family. Be in love! Fucking prick, shoved it back in my face all the time. Made me feel worthless, and for that I hate him!

I don’t dislike my social worker I just think she’s pointless. I also find it slightly difficult as right now she is my only connection with my ex. Technically it’s a breach as it is indirect contact. I am itching to know though. He is living in London, that was confirmed. Obviously him and his new ‘partner’ are going strong then! Highlights completely how much I fucking did for him here, without my home he has nothing here. Shame he didn’t ever appreciate it. He asked for contact with his daughter, he has asked to pass on presents. Presents I am ok with, the contact makes me feel nervous. It would be so easy to bump into him, I’ll listen to his sorrys. To me he’ll say what I want to hear and act like he admits the ill treatment. I asked the social worker ‘is he even sorry, or just sorry for himself.’ She confirmed just sorry for himself, still adamant I am making it out to be lot worse than it was.

ADMIT IT YOU ASSHOLE. ADMIT IT!!! No one gets to decide how he made me feel only me!

 

Posted in alone, cheat, Company, Deceit, Detox, Parenting, relationship, relationships, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum, Weight, weightloss, Women

Getting there .. 

Posted on by KerryLouise

Last night I couldn’t believe the difference a week had made. I saw him yesterday but I stayed very strong. The week before I was still waiting on him to move heaven on earth for me after yet another cheating episode. Then when it got to the evening and I knew he went back to hers I felt so angry, betrayed, sick and full of hate. Last night I didn’t even WANT to call him. 

I saw him out Saturday night he was his usual psycho self. One minute telling me how much he’s fucking missed me, needs me, would laugh with me and then the next screaming at me about things I can’t even remember. Strangers even spotted his volatile behaviour. I was worried for his safety, I know how bouncers and things can get but he certainly didn’t want my help so I walked home and buzzer went on private. It took a lot of strength to walk home and leave him, I can’t lie. 

Sunday came and I got my mate to text him for me. I felt angry. How dare he kick off for me talking to some guy yet was ok for him to chat up some fat blonde thing. He contacted me via Facebook he started by being rude, telling me it was me following him around , me not letting him enjoy his night and it was all my fault AGAIN! I implied that I had been with someone else, a stupid game I know but I wanted to get to him. I knew it would. We spoke on the phone and it was pity party him again. How I never loved him, how I killed him when he was in jail, how he had to read a conversation on my iPad between me and a man. Screaming how I should have left him, he fails to see that he had that choice too and equally he can’t love me either. I put a stop to the conversation, this is all so old ground and it won’t ever be resolved and it doesn’t need to be now. It’s over.

I agreed he could pop by and grab some clothes and see Ariana. He got mad about his arrest , called me wicked for stopping him from seeing his great grandma on her birthday. As I expected. I no longer care what he has to say, I need to remind myself it’s only words and all his actions does not put him in any position to kill me with words anymore. I also know he says these things because he’s hurting and he’s angry so that’s ok too. On his head. 

Then he softened, told me I was his. How when he thought I went with someone else he was fuming. I took my pyjama bottoms off ready for my shower and I knew that that would tease him. He tried and I did what I did last time stuck to my guns and did not have sex. I didn’t fancy him when I saw him out the night before, drunk and aggressive. I did today, that needs to go. That’s what’s annoying. I’m sure once I find a new man it will. 

I don’t want to be bitter with him, it eats people up. I want to be able to be his friend. I hope he can sort his life out, but having me allow him to just keep walking all over me will not do that. He needs his own place, he needs a job and he needs to leave the streets. Time will tell . 

Posted in alone, baby, cheat, Company, Diet, DomesticAbuse, Heart, Heartbreak, intimate, life, Lonely, love, Mistakes, mother, Parenting, pregnancy, pregnant, relationship, relationships, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum

A day without crying ? 

Posted on by KerryLouise

I woke up yesterday with a sickness bug. I hate being sick. I hate it even more when I have no one around me to take care of me. It made me feel emotional, I couldn’t believe it was now entering the fourth day without contact with the ex. How was he feeling?! Does he even care? I knew he was probably playing the victim, even in his own head, guaranteed he’s still got it inside him that it’s all my fault. ‘What kind of woman gets his man locked?’ He’ll be asking.  I cast my mind back to the number of times he would just attack me with words about how I bet I would do that too him. I’m that type of girl, I’m low like that. Back then I never would, he just went TOO far. 

I did call him today from my mums phone, I know how his mind works and he’ll just be building up more hate for me if I don’t attempt contact. If I call him and ask when he wants his clothes he can’t blame me for not having them can he? He admitted he had tried to call me, used someone else’s phone and had been to the flat, that made me feel better. I asked him if I should take his clothes to that girls work place, he snapped back ‘why should you?’ He said he wasn’t staying there, last time he admitted he was staying with his new girlfriend so I have no reason to doubt him. Or do I ?! To be honest it is unlikely, unless she really is a desperate needy slag. Alarm bells would certainly ring to me if he was suddenly needing to be there all the time, despite him telling her he lives at his grandmas oh and not to mention the lies he told her even about his name. Anyway who cares, even if she doesn’t know now she’ll work it out herself. 

I asked him if he was happy, he said ‘do I sound happy?!’ I asked him if he’s missed me and he said ‘yeh I have.’ I didn’t tell him I missed him, I wasn’t going to give him that satisfaction. I felt better after the call, and I feel good this morning. 

I felt a bit low when I got in from my dads last night. I told them how I got myself in a cycle where he was the one to make me feel so low and drill me into the ground but I relied on him to bring me back up again. I hate it when I miss him, because I only miss the small amounts of time it was good. I need to remember the times I felt sick when I didn’t know where he was, the anxiousness I would feel when I worry whether he’s going to show up or not. The anger I would get when his phone was off or he wouldn’t answer the calls. The disrespectfulness when he would tell me to get off his line, tell me I was a fucking dickhead, a fucking prick, a slag. He would scream at me how I wasn’t a real woman, how I made him sick to his bones, more recently how I was dead to him and how he could get any girl he wanted, where as I was old with two kids. When I was pregnant he would tell me he feels sorry for his daughter having a mother like me, how I’m constantly stressing out his daughter and I’m a mess. I could go on but it’s not necessary, this stuff is enough. 

He always manipulated everything so it was always some how my fault. We would plan a night out, a meal and some time together. He would cause an argument and tell me this was the reason he never wanted to be around me, how I was boring and I bring it all on my self. I feel sick when I look back at times when he clearly went off with that other girl and realistically god knows how many girls there has been. He’s an animal and he’s vile and I am proud in myself that I can finally see everything he has done to me was never my fault. I justified his actions so many times and I can honestly say even if he shows me change I will never ever get over what he’s done to me. Destroyed me, abused me and trampled all over me during a time when I needed a man. A real man. 

I am out tonight, he said he would show up today to get some clothes. I hope he doesn’t, the buzzer is still on private and I’ll try go out this afternoon. My gorgeous princess slept from 9:30pm – 6am and right now she’s happily sat in her chair talking to herself. I’m the real winner, I have so much love in my daughters and my whole life ahead of me. What the hell does he have?! 

I reckon I can go the whole of today with no tears and I really cannot wait to go out tonight. 

Posted in alone, baby, cheat, Company, Deceit, Diet, DomesticAbuse, Heart, Heartbreak, Journey, life, Lonely, love, Mistakes, mother, Parenting, police, pregnancy, pregnant, prison, Prisoner, prisonwives, relationship, relationships, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum, Strength, Weight, weightloss, Women

How am I feeling? 

Posted on by KerryLouise

The question on all my friends and families lips right now… how do you answer such a question when each hour my feelings change so much ?

I feel weak, then remind myself what he’s put me through and realise weak I am definitely not. My world was falling apart when my baby was just 2 weeks old and I had found out about his other life! But I stayed strong for my newborn and my eldest daughter. Continued to breastfeed although the pain was unreal and developed mastitis twice. Bills were still payed and my babies were happy! That is not weak!

I feel like I miss him. I miss the loving him, the side of him that would look at me like he was absolutely smitten. The way we would joke together and laugh. The way he looked at our baby and we would all just chill in bed together cooing over how gorgeous she is. His touch which would melt me and hands down give me the best sex of my life. Then remind myself relationships isn’t just about good sex (especially when you know he’s been going elsewhere too), relationships require team work. Something he used to always drill in my head, tell me I never work with him. Tell me I’m not on his page I’m in a completely different book to him (That’s rich!) and he needs a woman he can work with. Even when his sister and mother asked him what I don’t do that he needs, he walked out the room saying ‘I can’t think right now.’ Evenings he was never around, even before the cheating again. He would answer my calls though and come home, he isn’t bright to think I would notice when those things changed! I’m lonely right now without him but I was lonely with him… so what’s the difference!

I feel angry, I keep thinking about what his mum said to me over text message. Annoyed that she asked ME to remind myself of the traumatic experience we all had when he was in HMP before. Asked ME to not get him locked again. So mad that I’m once again being the one to blame if he ends up back in jail, yet he has risked his freedom every fucking day since he was released. He doesn’t listen to you ?? So why should I ?

I feel mad that his friend can tell me ‘he really loves his daughter.’ NO!! A man who loves his daughter does not choose to disappear all night when the mother of his child had a caesarean and can’t even get out of bed. A man who loves his daughter is around a lot more than he has been to help when things get a little bit too much for the woman who is caring for her. A man who loves his daughter does not take as long as he did to finally come home and get rid of whatever little fling he had previously. A man who loves his daughter does not stand me up as much as he did when we were seperated which meant he went without seeing her. A man who loves his daughter does not psychologically abuse the mother who is caring for that daughter to the point where they hyperventilate, cut themselves and bang their head against a wall to just get them to SHUT UP!! A man who loves his daughter, and apparently loves the women too DOES not choose to be laid up in another women’s bed knowing full well the psychological impact that would have on said woman caring for daughter. A man who loves his daughter DOES NOT continue dealing drugs or be involved in violence relating to such crime in fear that they’d end up in prison and that daughter then has to grow up without a daddy. DO NOT TELL ME he LOVES his daughter …. I love MY daughter. I show real love !

I feel sad that I gave him that many chances, believed him 100 million times that it was us he wanted, that he would change his ways and now it’s literally got so past breaking point that he’s not allowed near me. He will have to arrange contact for his daughter via a contact centre and that social services are also involved. I gave him many opportunities to do this as just friends, do this seperated but that just wasn’t good enough for him either. He was ok to act single but I wasn’t and he would drill into me how I’ll always be his! Them times I believed him, I didn’t want anyone else, still so sure he’d come good. Even after the cheating this time he made me agree that I would try again in the future, let him prove it to me properly. That didn’t last, since he was back to his old tricks of going between me and another girl AGAIN!

I feel bitter that this new girl has probably believed him. What a low class female she is! Accepting a man you’ve known 2 weeks, told you a fake name and cheated on his missus and baby with you! Well I have certainly more self respect than you my love and I just sleep at night knowing he’ll cause you more shit than he’s really worth!

I feel better! Getting this all out, I feel loads better!

Posted in alone, baby, cheat, Company, Deceit, Detox, exercise, Fitness, Heart, Heartbreak, Ibiza, Journey, life, Lonely, love, Mistakes, mother, Parenting, relationship, relationships, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum, Strength, Uncategorized, Weigh, Weight, weightloss, Women

Day 5

Posted on by KerryLouise

Woke up at my friends house and felt quite strong. I think it surprised her and we spoke about it. I agreed that him not having anyone made it easier but equally I’ve learnt from the last time! 

I went home about midday and I was greeted by the vile character again. Moaning how I had woke him up! Ummm excuse me ? Your lucky you had a bed to sleep in! He began by saying I did push him, shifting the blame AGAIN! Saying some of the words I had said stuck in his head, reminded me of the day we had an argument and he was eating in the cafe she worked in. That’s the day he got her number. That made me sick !! 

I kept asking why so cold? Why so calculated and pre-meditated? Not even trying to cover it up by disappearing completely on me. Like one night he text me at 3am saying ‘baby I’m coming now I only love and want you’ … and never came!! What makes someone click like that?? He doesn’t know! He told me it hadn’t registered yet .. that we were over. Hasn’t hit him. He tried to have sex with me, he was close but I stayed strong. 

My sister wanted to call him last night. She came over for some wine, she helped me a lot. Just the company and the laughs. His phone was off , she then text her … not sure yet if she got a response. I laid awake a lot assuming she’s let him back in. She seemed very sure when she spoke to me, laughing at him in fact, apologising to me. But hey I know how good he is with his words.. ‘this is what I needed to get away’, ‘I’ll prove it to you’ , ‘let me just stay until I get somewhere,’ who knows what he’s said. God his words make me sick. Fake fraudulent person! 

Even if she has had him back, I won’t be fighting for his attention this time. I’ll just be glad that someone else has to put up with his bullshit. His coming and going as he pleases. His lack of support financially. His boyish behaviour!! She can deal with it all… she can fight for his attention because let’s face it. He won’t leave me alone, he never will. 

I’m actually excited. My baby isn’t just 2 weeks old this time. She’s nearly 4 months. I can have a social life and I am going too. I’m going to go to Ibiza this year again, to which he said ‘no fucking way.’ I’m going to date and meet people ! I’m buzzing! We have our holiday booked, told him we would still go. If he doesn’t pay though, I won’t and I’ll see if a friend will come instead. His fucking loss!! 

Under my calorie goal again, although once again drank wine. 

Life will be good! 

Posted in alone, cheat, Deceit, Detox, Diet, exercise, Fitness, Heart, Heartbreak, Journey, life, Lonely, love, Mistakes, Parenting, relationship, relationships

Day 2

Posted on by KerryLouise

Successful day on plan. Amazed that I got on the scales for the first time since before my birthday and I had actually lost a pound. Not going to lie that helped greatly with my mood. 

Calories I consumed today was 1540 which is still under target according to my Fitbit. Exercise needs to be upped though and I need my body to start taking shape. I will show him! 

He was pretty loving today until I saw a girl call his phone who I don’t want calling his phone!! I don’t trust him and my gut doesn’t. A week ago she text him with xxx, now I understand men have female friends just as female friends have male ones BUT he’s broke my trust and he’s broke me in the sense that I just assume it’s all bad. I remind him of the boy who cried wolf! I am no longer afraid to find out the truth and when I saw the xxx I tried to call her , she ignored me. Tonight I text her again, she ignored me. He just tells me that he could never lose me again, why would he bother, he’s so proud to have me blah blah blah !! Well I’m thinking of ways to catch him out so he can no longer tell me I’m weird and it’s all in my head. I have my plan!! 

I will be the winner! 😉

I’m a winner anyway with this amazing little girl!

Posted in baby, Diet, exercise, Fitness, Heart, Heartbreak, life, Lonely, Parenting, relationship, relationships, Weight, weightloss

Day 1

Posted on by KerryLouise

Not blogged in a while, but that doesn’t mean nothing has happened. I’ve had many more failed diet attempts and quite a few more rows in my relationship. Today life has gone semi back to normal after the Christmas and New Year hype and it’s about time I combatted this weight properly and for good! 

I need the old me back! Yes the Mr is a crazy irractic arse but my insecurities do not help! 


Dec 2015 compared to Dec 2016 – What a difference! 

I will weigh myself tomorrow and this time I will stick with it! I just have too.

Crazy behaviour from other half occurred earlier when I wanted to go to the shop. He commented how I need to take the children as he’s going out, then said don’t take out baby as she has a cold. So once I questioned what he expected me to do,he did realise his stupidity but the attitude is just insane. He also got mad when a bottle he was using was leaking, he didn’t enjoy me explaining which head went on each bottle but I managed to not rise to his irrational behaviour and we got through the day without any real arguments. 

Sadly I believe once I get back my confidence I will find the strength to leave and to leave properly. Certainly not due to lack of love but how Jekyll and Hyde he is. Oh and let’s not forget what he actually did to me when pregnant 😢

Calories consumed: 1285                        Steps: 4370                                                           Mood: Fair but motivated