Category: Strength

Posted in dating, Healing from Domestic Abuse, love, Singlemum, Strength

Are strong and independent women unattractive to men?

Posted on by KerryLouise

Facts are facts apparently, and in no time in history has a man desired a woman who is strong and independent.

This is what I was told by the man I have been sleeping with. Despite being told that this wasn’t about me, it’s quite difficult to separate the emotion that that statement brings. I was very direct and asked many times what does he see in me then and rather than getting reassurance and compliments I was just told… that basically ‘majority of women are modern and therefore he is a realist and has to accept it for what it is.’

I explained many times that there are millions of women that are more traditional than me (opposite of modern) but he dismissed that. The conversation went on and I had just about got over what he was saying and maybe even started to understand a little more. Probably tried to deny my own strength and independence and blamed it on the fact I have had to be those things and I’ve had no other choice and that maybe if I had met a different man I wouldn’t be where I am today. However, the next day I woke up to 6 videos from YouTube sent by him about how women like this are unattractive. I mean Jesus!

I picked one video, it was disgusting quite frankly. Ambitious, assertive, competitive women are not attractive was the message. Very antagonist to say the least, I am those things! I shared it with a professional who does this stuff day in day out and he did a Facebook live on it. Whilst he understood the message, he also stated it wasn’t articulated well and of course women like those described in the video would be triggered. The man who shared it with me got passive aggressive with me , told me to shoot the message not the messenger , facts are facts, blah blah. He also told me that ‘I am an adult and should have the emotional intelligence to digest it and not react.’ What crap. It hurt me. A man I’ve grown close too was telling me this stuff and the underlying message is that I’m not attractive. How else should I react ?

This is the same man who told me women are naturally more emotional and wants feminine energy was now trying to suppress my emotions. I even told him straight, that he wasn’t making me feel good. I need reassurance and I would like to know what he does see in me. The positives. I was then accused of playing the victim. I was trapped and was left completely confused as to what he was trying to say to me.

It is only more recently that I have thought about having a man to take care of me, to pay for dates , how nice it would have been if I didn’t need to worry about the mortgage when I was pregnant or how my children were going to eat at times. My rent has gone up considerably and it’s starting to get really tiresome doing it all on my own. I do understand how hard it must be for a masculine man in todays society who want to be the provider and the breadwinner. I really do, but I also do not think for a second that all successful women do not want a provider and all have the same mindset that they want to pay for things and lead.

I watched another video , now this made more sense to me. Women can be all those great things at work but just avoid doing it at home in relationship. Don’t try and lead, don’t be competitive, don’t try and compete. The crucial point being if you want a real masculine man. The professional, I spoke to also explained that actually there are many relationships that work very well with a balance. Some men don’t mind not making all the decisions, and that actually it’s only important for women to get into their feminine energy if they want a more masculine man. Maybe that’s a very dumbed down version but you get the jist.

I know for one I can absolutely step into my feminine energy and enjoy and accept. I’ve had male strangers from the internet buy me things, I’ve asked strangers to fill my car tyres up (hate blue car jobs), my eldest daughters dad has built every single piece of furniture I own, if there is a maintenance job that needs doing I simply just won’t do it. I find a man to do it for me. Just because I have degrees, I have ambition, I compete with myself and my colleagues daily to be the best and have confidence does not mean I need to compete with a man or even want to. A man’s status and earnings were never forefront of what I saw in a man. As I’ve got older this has become more appealing to me and perhaps it’s because of my past I was so avoidant of it but that is for another day.

Thing is I really do wonder what he does see in me. I’ve known him for nearly 2 years, he’s followed my Snapchat. He knows I’m opinionated and have a voice, he knows I’m a huge football fan and drink pints and when I really think about it, I am a natural leader, naturally competitive (sales driven working environment it’s a necessary trait). He knows I rely on no one but myself. I have never been the domesticated type. I hate cleaning, the idea of staying at home looking after the children until they go to school literally gives me genuine fear. So naturally I have to question

… what the hell are we doing here ??

Posted in alone, baby, Challenge, DomesticAbuse, exercise, Fitness, Girltalk, Heart, Heartbreak, Holiday, Journey, Marathon, Recovering from abuse, relationships, Singlemum, Strength, training

Oops I did it again …

Posted on by KerryLouise

…. I signed up to the half marathon in September! This time no one can get in the way of my training. It did actually pop into my head earlier about how unreliable he was.

“Baby I got you, were a team, you are my world. 100% I will be there in the morning so you can go gym. I promise you. On my life. Fully supporting you. Have faith in me man’ , morning came no sign of him. ‘yeh so what, I overslept, I can’t help it when I do the job I do my body just shuts down. I didn’t ask it too. It’s hard work you know.’ Suddenly his promise from the night before does not hold for anything, he turns aggressive and angry that anyone would dare question why he has gone back on his promise. This damages his ego, he is no longer the person he was making out to be the night before! This is a form of abuse, it’s power play, he gets someone fully reliant on him and then has no regard for that person. This complete lack of respect and control made me feel so damaged. He is an asshole. He is an abuser.

Good! Right! Needed to remind myself of them after I had just seen pics of our baby with him on our holiday. Although he was an asshole there too. I’m so tired though so will talk about that tomorrow.

So yes! Half a marathon!! It’s on. I did day 2 of the training programme app and actually hit 16,000 steps on my fit bit for the first time in months!!

I aim for a big walk tomorrow.

Watch this space

Xx

Posted in alone, DomesticAbuse, exercise, Fitness, Recovering from abuse, Singlemum, Strength, Weight, weightloss, Women

Back to reality!

Posted on by KerryLouise

Omg it hurt. It was dark when I woke, and I felt so tired all day. I have won at no caffeine ✅ but my steps are low – less than 5,000 ! Bad! I need to get back to loving the gym. It’s hard when it’s so dark, and so so cold.

I have not eaten any complex carbs either, for the second day but I need to be stricter. I stepped on the scales. 9 bloody pounds! Gross! I have to get focused and look like 2015 me! Although my dude from Saturday night told me he thinks I look better now, more meat apparently. But oh well, I don’t like it. Saying that, and being shocked at 9lbs, I don’t feel that huge and my pics from New Year’s Eve I’ve been told I looked hot soooo it could be worse.

I want my fitness back. Summer 2018 I will feel amazing! 👌🏼

I wanted to talk today about the stigma that is attached to single mums and also when women are judged for using their ‘child as a weapon.’ Someone shared an article today, this individual is a man who is very pro ‘men should see their children,’ his experience has prompted his business to help others. Which is great but sometimes there is a good reason children do not see their fathers and it certainly isn’t because the mother is being an asshole. I saw that exact comment

‘I hate my ex but I’m not an asshole, children are people not possessions to withhold and play with.’ I did write a comment but deleted it, it isn’t worth the confrontation.

I have had a disagreement with this man before over the same thing so he knows my views. I also read how difficult the courts are on men, funny how another group I’m in is highlighting how bad the courts are in supporting men who have been a perpetrator of domestic violence. If only life was so black and white.

I will hold my hands up I encourage my ex to seek legal advice for contact (on recommendations of social services), I would love nothing more than to him to just leave us alone. I have considered a contact centre but with provisions which he can’t stick too.

A father is important yes but an article stating that single parent families children are more likely to end up in prison, pregnant early, low IQ and some other crap is a load of shit. Well with my daughters father in her life she’ll be more damaged than without. He abuses me in front of her, makes promises to her he already can’t keep, carries drugs and weapons, he’s unstable and not well, so tell me what benefit would he be for my beautiful daughter. Also let’s not forget, the chances he’s had to be in her life but chose to cheat, not come home when he said he would and deal drugs. His 2 week paternity leave was a joke! He was barely here and I was recovering from a c-section! What a complete fucking arsehole, I hate him!

It was hard leaving my baby today. She got so used to being with mummy at home she cried hard and put her arms out to come with me. It brought a tear to my eyes. Being a working mum has its challenges. I love and look forward to picking her up each day, and I used to just never understand how her dad could go as long as he did without seeing her even though he COULD! He chose to do those things I mentioned rather than be a family.

He won’t be kicking himself though because narcissists never reflect. They are incapable of looking back over what they have done wrong. They live for the now, and blame everyone else and that’s difficult for someone like me to accept.

All I want is a real sorry, a genuine sorry and him to admit what HE’S done!

Posted in Abuse, relationships, alone, baby, DomesticAbuse, relationship, relationships, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum, Strength

Monday 25th December 2017

Posted on by KerryLouise

It’s only another day really and to be honest I have coped quite well. I am not looking forward to my eldest going to her dads in a bit but I do feel super tired so hopefully I just sleep. M will probably ring me so that does help but I’ve not been feeling good about that situation recently. He’s being nice, a tad erratic at times though and he doesn’t always think before he speaks but his heart is in the right place. He text me earlier too to say merry Christmas and when he knew I was going out Friday he text then too. Other times he just calls. He’s not right for me. I need to break the cycle of falling for emotionally unavailable or just simply unavailable because of where they are men!

My mind has been going over drive again of course! I feel sick about how happy I felt Christmas Day morning, how in love I felt, despite the ill treatment the two evenings prior! I was so under his spell it is scary! Christmas Day evening and he was so nasty, played with my emotions telling me he would just go out as ‘no point being here.’ All because I had been waiting around for him all day and his mum decided it was too late to go by the time HE has finished doing his drug dealing duties. It was all my fault once again. Obviously I later found out he had been cheating on me too so that deceit is hard to get over. I hate him.

I tell you something it is so so hard to even describe his actions this time last year. Nothing I ever said was right, he was moody, he was nasty, cruel and evil at times. He then made me feel amazing and protected and in love at other times, this would be in the space of a few hours. Constant state of confusion. Everything had to be on his terms, he would fight me for my phone, deny till he was blue in the face there was no one else but just turn it all back round on me. It was around this time I self harmed, I took a knife to my own arm to just get him to shut up with his torture. His words were torture. Being called a slag, being told I begged for it when his cousin sexually assaulted me and that I was always the problem.

Promising someone you are coming home and then disappearing is emotional abuse. His mother normalises it and so he has absolutely no idea about respect. He wouldn’t even be sorry! I would have been up all night, I still feel that feeling now. Telling me that I make him sick is emotional abuse. Kicking off because I wouldn’t have sex in his sisters bed in front of my 2 awake children is emotional abuse. Why did I allow this all to happen and it would be me apologising to him! Begging him to come home. He is truly mentally ill. To treat another human being the way he did me is not ok and it is not right and more importantly now it is illegal!

His sister watched on whilst he just kept going on and on and on and on at me whilst I just stared at myself in the mirror crying my eyes out looking at my still slightly plump figure! My baby was only 3 months old, I look back in time at me! I can see me, crying, hurt, broken and so so confused. I want to inject me with self worth, I want to tell me that I was never ever ever the problem, it was always him. A waste of space drug dealing cheating vile human that even comparing him to the devil is mild.

I spent today glad I don’t have him number. I would call him if I could! I’m feeling like this a lot recently, I want to hurt him the way he has me. I feel so bitter, something I never ever wanted, something that actually by not wanting to be, kept me under his nasty spell some more. But I am bitter and I do want to see him hurt. I want to hear him cry, cry out that deafening heart breaking cry that he inflicted on me so many times. Yet could just walk out and go and sleep easily next to some other girl. Doing that to a pregnant woman or one with a newborn is deranged and I will not EVER EVER forget.

However going in to self pity is just what he does. Poor him, dealt drugs because his dad wasn’t around type of person. God the crap he would come out with. I won’t do that, I will turn my bad experience with the lowlife scum into something very very fucking positive.

Watch me look the best I have ever done in 2018, watch me be successful in my job, watch me publish a book, watch me do great at uni and watch me meet a man who treats me better than he ever fucking could.

I won’t forget that when I found out about his 4th and final affair he said ‘she’s just a distraction, she means nothing, I know you, you’ll meet someone and do it properly’ sounding desperate and scared at the thought! YES I FUCKING WILL. No doubt it’ll just send you further into your own pity party and as a defence mechanism be crying out ‘she never loved me anyway.’ Well unfortunately for you. I did, I fucking did!!

Posted in baby, Beauty, book, DomesticAbuse, life, Lonely, Mistakes, Parenting, Singlemum, Strength, Women

Too much wasted time

Posted on by KerryLouise

Self development is so important and I realise that more and more everyday. No matter the industry you work in you should always do a bit of personal development. A networking meeting I went to this morning spoke of this and also a few other areas that I really want to apply in my life more.

I already write to do lists but I should do it for my personal tasks too. I have had no iphone since Tuesday yet I still haven’t managed to do the things I really need to get a move on in doing. Luckily I have fixed my laptop so writing my essays won’t be a problem in that sense, but I need to bloody write them. It’s mad how having no phone panicked me when it shut down, but it has been quite nice too. I was mostly concerned about M, he would try and call and wonder where I was. Tonight, being Thursday I swapped my sim to my work phone and he called. He was concerned bless him, but I also had a text message from the police.

I feel sick. It is so mad to think about how much determination I have in making my abuser pay for what he has done, but even then that slight connection I had with him again tonight has chipped away a bit at my strength. I feel sad he is missing out on our beautiful happy bright baby girl but at the same time where the fuck was he when I wanted him there. Often he chose another girls bed over being with us or I don’t know what is worse a trap yard. The times I NEEDED him, when I was recovering from a c-section, or the times I had mastitis and was so poorly but still made sure our baby was fed. A baby could have been the making of him, getting released from jail could have been. I HATE that I want to know what happened between him and the letter writer. Maybe she saw sense? Maybe he showed his true colours quickly? He was never bothered about her, just a new game for him to get at me some more! SICK AND CRUEL!

When I feel like I am doing the wrong thing I must remind my self of everything, the sleepless nights, the feeling that me and this innocent beautiful baby wasn’t enough, the times I begged and cried for him to be a father. What about the times he made me look stupid crazy and pathetic in front of whatever new fling he had. WHAT FUCKING ARSEHOLE! The way that made me feel, the man I had devoted so much of my life too could treat me like that. He deserves nothing. Like nothing.

I wasted enough time with him, I waste too much time thinking about him and I waste far too much time doing things that have absolutely no benefit to me at all.

Focus! Focus! Focus! I wish I didn’t care. I need to do me!

Posted in DomesticAbuse, Mistakes, mother, relationship, relationships, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum, Strength

She set her boundaries and rebuilt her life

Posted on by KerryLouise

A week on Monday I am presenting my presentation on boundaries to a group of fellow networkers. I’ve distanced myself from reading all about narcissism and abuse for a few days. It got too much, and I felt I was reliving too much of the abuse. He’s an abusive man there are no two ways about it I didn’t need to keep finding proof of that.

I’ve been in a better place recently. Like mentioned before realising more and more how a person should be treated by a sexual partner or even a close friend. It’s mad how much I put up with and how much I justified and considered normal.

I’ve been preparing my presentation and the more I am away and out of the abuse I can literally tick the majority of any lists that are about abuse available. Like the Stuff that is considered as emotional abuse and not just awful vile name calling.

• living in your home, and not contributing to the bills (boy yes. Always promised money but withheld it when I did something wrong)

• damaging your property – punching walls/smashing phones (3 holes in my wall and 3 phones)

• serial cheating and then blaming you for doing so (ALWAYS)

• threatening to cheat when sex is denied (he would tell me ‘you think I need your dead sex anyway’)

• cheating to prove that they are more desired than you are & telling you you will never find better (I can picture him now touching his face , saying how handsome he was and how I was old and ‘past it’)

• attempting to control what you wear – YES I have a voice recording of evidence of this

• Sexual coercion !!

~ making you feel like you owe them

~ continue to pressure you after you say no

~ playing on the fact you’re in a relationship – ‘if I don’t get sex from you I’ll get it elsewhere’ and his favourite ‘what a joke, can’t even get sex from my own woman’ oh and ‘you just can’t keep up with me’

~ trying to normalise their sexual expectations ‘I need it, I’m a man’

~ reacting negatively with sadness, anger or resentment if you say no or don’t immediately agree

This was all taken from an American domestic violence website. There were obviously many more abusive traits I just kept ticking off in my head. An abusive man to the very core, and for so so long I didn’t see it! I remember feeling mad with my old health visitor ‘he’s controlling’, she told me! I got my back up, convinced myself he wasn’t as I was allowed to go about my business. But the truth is ALL these things are about control, controlling the way I feel about myself, respect myself, things I do! I could go on, but I have a lot in this blog already.

I’m so excited about my presentation and I have booked in 5 more slots for next year around the East Midlands area. I will talk about these personal boundaries and then also the boundaries business owners should have. With that it links with my work and what my services are whilst networking.

We have court again next week, I feel petrified. I am also worried I won’t have even sorted legal aid in that time due to the fact I am giving up my mortgage. I shall not worry myself, it isn’t something I can change. However what I can remind myself is that I am now in control. I now have boundaries in place. I’ve evidenced that within new relationships (I use the word relationship loosely) but I know what it is to be respected now and what not to put up with. Lack of consideration for my feelings, ignoring blatant questions I have asked, anything verbally abusive, making me feel anyway other than content … then no! He’s got to go!

Posted in Abuse, relationships, DomesticAbuse, Heartbreak, Journey, life, Mistakes, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum, Strength

A Queen will always turn pain into power

Posted on by KerryLouise

I can’t even explain how good it feels to not have that constant awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. It was wearing me down, wearing me down so bad.

Imagine hearing the bull shit I love you’s whilst still being disrespected and still hoping for the man to step up and be a father. I think about where he might be and I don’t care. Trap yard no doubt or with the ‘partner’ he denied and also disrespected. Having no contact completely was literally the only way. The longer it goes on the clearer I see. He wasn’t letting me go for shit, despite what any bullshit he tells anyone else he was not!! Constantly promising me a dream and should I deny that dream abused me some more.

Reading my old blogs from pregnancy, even BEFORE I found out about ANY infidelity I wrote about how I couldn’t forgive him. This post back in September 2016 9 days to gooooo ! When I didn’t even realise I was being abused. All that nice him is an abusers trait called ‘love bombing’ or ‘hoovering’ . I will do a chapter on that in my book. July 2016 1st July ! Another post where I’m clearly so miserable and so unhappy. All because of him. I don’t want to be bitter but I dislike him to my core. Love pfft, I love the dream he faked, the promises he never kept. I pity his pathetic existence on this earth, so young yet so evil.

It all really shows how unhappy I was. I wasn’t even fully honest, so scared of what people would say! If I ever see him again it will be too soon. I’m so fucking proud of myself. Look at me, look what I’ve achieved! I allowed some low life abusive asshole shadow my life. Treat me so poorly, made me believe I was worthless and deserved it. Wrong mate! Wrong!

My distraction agreed to see me last night after his night out since I wanted to go to my friends instead. After I had to convince him that I would wake up, I began feeling anxious he wouldn’t come. He text saying ‘can’t wait to see you’, I felt uneasy and remembered times my abuser did that and then didn’t show. He didn’t do that though, that’s because he actually respects other people. He isn’t a narcissist sociopath like my ex, he’s sweet, caring and just a shame he’s a little young 🤭

The pain that has been caused by my ex is unmeasurable. I just knew that one day I would find that inner strength from somewhere. I kinda hoped I could get to a stage where I was not affected by his cold unpleasant words and actions. Hoping I could break free naturally without the need of court intervention but like even his mother said, if I waited until he no longer wanted me. No longer wanted to control me, I could be waiting forever. I remember that talk she had with me, ‘I had the strength and I just know you have it too.’ Funny how now she has accused me of ‘making it all up’. There is something VERY wrong with people like her!

Posted in baby, DomesticAbuse, relationships, Singlemum, Strength, Women

A letter to my ex ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

I am so incredibly tired but tonight I have more on my mind that has been on my mind in a while. Well I say a while but that only means longer than I am used too. I am now 9 days clean! Clean of him .. clean of his bullshit and clean of his control.

Problem is, he still has control now, by not allowing me to sleep and be peaceful that is still control. Previous events are popping into my head too much and I’m dealing with post traumatic stress I just know it.

It’s times like this I would ring him, just to shout and swear and tell him how insanely awful he is. It made me feel better, he’d apologise and make empty promises but it was just for a fix, it was still his hook.

He doesn’t realise the damage he has caused, but he will. Oh he will. Why should I ever care how much he is hurting? He never did me! Why should I care that he won’t see his daughter? He was never bothered anyway unless it was about me. That last time I saw him and allowed him to stay over, why did I care at all how sick he was feeling?? I had a fucking caesarean and he didn’t care and disappeared. I should not ever care! So …

To my ex,

I know deep down you know I deserved better, I know deep down you wanted everything you promised to be but there is something so innately toxic and negative about everything you do, that your promises and love was never ever sustainable. You’ll do everything you could to blame me, but I wasn’t to blame I never was. You are a true narcissist, every definition of narcissist describes you down to a T. You are a text book abuser and it’s amazing how a known personality disorder actually makes me feel pretty darn good about myself. It wasn’t me it was you! It was fucking you!!

When things are not going your way you tell the world that I abused you. Funny! You do not know what love is or what a real relationship is. I pity you and feel sorry for you. Your mother, can say what she likes about me but I have evidence she has always told me I deserve better than you and I can sleep well at night knowing she will take this to her grave that she defended a son she can never turn round and say. ‘I am proud of him.’ I understand she should be there for you and blood is thicker than water but calling me a liar and lying about me to social services is ABUSE! She knows the number of times she’s told me I deserve better than you, the hours of conversations where she was supportive of ME, sympathising with ME, she helped me hide my Ibiza trip from you knowing how you would react, was disgusted when she saw how you reacted, she’s felt just as hurt and upset as me knowing you turned back to the very things that put you in prison in the first place. She can visit you in prison in the future because your criminality is only destined for one place and that isn’t the fantasy you tried to sell me with. What was it ‘I’m retiring the streets soon and I’m going to whisk you off your feet’ .. been hearing that for 10 months. At least the time got more realistic, it went from stopping next week to soon. Lost count how many times you said ‘next week’. Breaking promises is ABUSE. Saying one thing and doing another is ABUSE. When I questioned your statements since they never delivered before, I was then emotionally tortured for not ‘trusting you’ or ‘believing you’. ABUSE! Are we understanding better?

I don’t believe you understand exactly how much you put me through. You felt like all your actions were justified and that I was just as bad and you know what, if that really makes you feel better about all this now carry on. By not accepting what you’ve truly done to me you will never ever ever be any good for anyone and I am glad about that.

You will never be truly happy and you don’t deserve to be. You do not deserve our beautiful sweet smart kind innocent little baby. You had endless chances to be a father, I begged with you and pleaded you for support and help. Yes you love her but only when it suited you. Where was you when we needed you? When I was recovering from a c-section, when I had mastitis and when I just wanted to go to the gym! You played the best dad in the world, only when it suited you! I could never rely on you, you even forced me to drive 140 miles just so I could go to work. You made me not put her in nursery but let us down and could never be relied on to watch your OWN daughter. You criticised me for taking her on walks, you told me you felt sorry for her having a mother like me and you told me I didn’t love my own flesh and blood. Are you well?

You slipped up, many hide their true colours from others. You were incapable of that. Social services, our daughters nursery all see you for what you really are. Promising  you ‘will do what it takes to be a family’ but never ever sticking to your word. You couldn’t even do it for your daughter!

I had to hear you say ‘I will tell her what you did when she is old enough’ no sweetheart I will tell her what YOU did. What did I actually do ? Really? The only thing you would say is ‘you don’t work with me’ and you ‘don’t talk to me correctly.’ Once again leaving me to unpuzzle what the hell I was doing wrong.

How is someone like me meant to work with you? You’re a criminal!  Yet you called me lazy, a fat plum who does fuck all. You screamed how respect needed to be earned, wow just wow. Funny how that got to me so much, made me want to explode even when I knew the truth! ABUSE!

I tried to help you change, I believed you were ready for change over 100 times. I believed I was the reason for this abuse, believed I deserved it. You told me once I lost my baby weight ‘you’d have me back’, told me I was too fat for you, told me that I pushed you to it all! Oh I believed you, believed you for so long.

You always promised a fairytale but delivered nothing but nightmares, pain and torture. ABUSE.

You would promise days out, dinners, even a bath time with our baby and either not turn up completely or be insanely late and shout at me for being upset! ABUSE!

Shout at me for buying the wrong bin bags! Shout at me for not washing up right! Shout at me when you noticed a dirty mark on your clothes! Remember that time I got all dressed up ready for my first night out after our baby was born and you promised you would come watch your own baby and just didn’t turn up. How cruel! How vile! Keeping me isolated! ABUSE!

Promise me money and then never give it to me ABUSE! Blame me and my ‘actions’ as to why you are not paying your way or for your daughter ABUSE! You’d scream and shout about how you hated me, I made you sick, I was a joke and you couldn’t stand my voice. Tie me up in knots so bad I could have shot my self in the head just to untangle them ABUSE!

Be sulky or moody because of something that’s happened in your day and that meant you could say ‘I don’t want to talk to you right now’ or ‘get off my fucking line you Dickhead.’ ABUSE! Lying constant is ABUSE. You would lie about things that there was no reason to lie about and when I dug deeper and challenged you you would flip out , ABUSE.

You smashed up my phones – multiple times. Punched 3 holes in my walls. Punched my face!! , ABUSE. How many fat lips did I get? You bit my face, punched my legs, that time you punched me hard in my ribs. Oh no I walked into a door didn’t I ?! ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE!!

Physical abuse you understand, well to a certain extent , what did you say to me most recently ‘baby we had a fight.’ No baby you drove me so far with your degrading emotional torture that I was pushed to retaliate. Knowing that once I retaliated I would get hit harder and then the words would stop. You would be sorry. You think mine was in anger, you’re mistaken, mine was in fear of my mind. I needed to get you to stop and a punch from you usually did the trick. Remember the time I cut my arm? Even that didn’t make you stop.

You live in a world where you think men have automatic rights. Rights to tell me what to wear ‘it’s not control’ you say ‘I’m teaching you.’

Listen I’m not a child for you to teach or punish. How many times did you sit me down to ‘talk’, your idea of ‘talking’ was you telling me what you didn’t like about me.  What you felt that I had done wrong, you did it in intimidating way and got close to my face so I couldn’t move. You were impossible.

You also think you have rights to my body, admit it, you did, if I said no I was abused some more. You’d sulk, you’d swear and you’d say whatever you could to mentally and emotionally hurt me. Remember that time at your mums when you wanted sex in your sisters bed, My daughters were awake!!! I said no and you reacted by telling me I made you sick and that you didn’t want my dead sex anyway. You went mental and when your mother heard the shouting and found out what was going on she told me I could have gone in the bathroom with you, no!! I said no!!! You then continued by saying I wasn’t on your page, screaming shouting at me. Your sister witnessed this all and was disgusted but no you continued! I remember crying so hard just staring at myself in the mirror not having a clue why you was being so mean. ABUSE! Then you almost let us down with winter wonderland and caused issues there because we had to wait for you! CONTROLLING ABUSE! Remember the other time I said No when you had been cheating again. You thought it was ok to just tell me the other girl was lying, you wasn’t at hers and I should believe you. I’m ALLOWED TO SAY NO!!!

Narcissists feel entitled to peoples trust despite how many things they’ve done to lose that trust. That’s you! Me saying no doesn’t make me a slag, remember that! Me saying no doesn’t mean I had someone else! Me saying no does not give you any right to make me feel the way you have done in the past. Your abusive nature that day was enough to get the police called, that’s how far you pushed me! I’m ALLOWED to say NO! When I give you my body BECAUSE I want no more of your abuse , that is wrong and that is ABUSE!!! You need schooling! You need to understand, it’s my body and by me not wanting to share that with you does not mean I don’t love you enough or I am not good enough or gives you a reason to threaten me with other girls! Doing that is SEXUAL ABUSE.

My phone , is my phone! Scrolling through my phone book. Looking at my social media, smashing it up, hiding it, fighting me for it, forcing me to hide it when you came over ABUSE. How many fucking times did you fight me for my phone?? You fucking absolute weirdo psycho mess… asking me who people are because they are a new contact in my phone book. Didn’t matter that you disappeared for 2 days prior, and I was telling you I didn’t want you, you felt the right to go through my phone. What did you say ‘men can do things women cant’ .. that is wrong and you are an ABUSER!!

Telling me I am only good for one thing and that men will only want me for what is between my legs is ABUSE. Laughing how I’ll end up alone is abuse. Telling me I’ll always have these problems with men unless I sort myself out is abuse. To tell me you love me, you can’t ever lose me, that you’ll never find better than me but then show signs of disrespect and that you hate me is ABUSE! To promise and swear I am your world but be cheating and lying is ABUSE!!

The fact you can go to sleep at night knowing the states you get me in to is ABUSE! Knowing I had no clue where you were and would be going out of my mind especially since we had discussed the way it made me feel many times. How many fucking times did you do that? Disappeared !! Told me ‘on my way baby’ and DID NOT FUCKING COME that is vile ABUSE!! The infidelity was fucking chronic, even when I begged you to leave me alone you would just do what you want with whoever would have you, but never ever let me go. ABUSE.

How many other girls were there?? How many times did you run between me and another, begging my forgiveness but making out I was a psycho to whatever new one you had! Abuse! Something very dark and twisted about a man who wants to live a double life. You went out your way to do it, not giving a shit who you hurt in the process as long as your ego was good. It was only ever about you!!

Not only manipulating my mind but others too, ‘I haven’t touched you in months’ you screamed, humiliating me in front of others ‘you need to move on’ GOSH. Do you hear yourself? … yet less than 24 hours prior you was in my bed!! Promising me your world! You’d then get me on my own again and you say ‘sorry about that, let’s go for a drink.’ What is wrong with you? You are not well! You can’t be! A drink, are you crazy?

I’m expected to accept it, accept it was my fault, I pushed you to it you apparently and you think I should just be ok about it. I had flowers and texts from another man whilst we were fucking separated and I was left with a smashed phone, cut up flowers, bruises and a hole in my wall. Do we see the double standards here?? Good!

You would tell me you would kill any man who would touch me but chose to only be around when it suited you to touch me yourself. You are a pathological liar, so convincing, so definite and if I doubted you, you got angry. When I found you out, you got angry again and called me jealous and a snake. Something so cruel and twisted about a person who can cheat on another person then instead of apologising you’d torture them some more. ABUSE.

The sorrys always came later, the sorrys you felt obliged to be accepted and If I didn’t accept them you abused me some more. You had no regard for me at all, with that first one you had me hanging on a bit of string, promising me you was leaving her, that you loved me. I had your newborn baby for god sake and you treated me like a fucking toy. ABUSE.

You think by me saying ‘I want to meet someone else’ was abuse, but no my friend you can’t call something abusive when it is a product of your actions!! Why would I not want too? You made me feel that way. Truth is I was ashamed, ashamed at how badly you treated me, but not now. You wouldn’t treat an animal the way you treated me.

I want a man who would spend time with me and not deal drugs. I want a man who doesn’t use any excuse to go fall in another girls bed. I want a man who makes me feel good, not worthless not alone and not trapped. A man who would never say ‘I will break your fucking jaw’ just because you got angry about me questioning why you wasn’t sticking to your promises. Yes at times you were amazing, we connected, what do you say ‘best sex of your life’ ‘there’s just no emotion with anyone else’ ‘soul mates’ ‘ying and yang’ but that’s all fucking fake. The nice you is fake. The nice you is only when it suits you and when you want to feel good. The hypocrisy when you called me fake, or told me I sold you a dream. Your double standards are rife ! You gaslight, use projection, hoover and other abusive traits that everyone should educate and read up on. Like I said text book abuse!

God I really could go on! Are you even getting the picture yet!? The last time we spoke I heard all the same lies and promises. You miss me, you are broken, alone and can’t lose me. You even mentioned me having another baby with you! ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY???

I actually thank you.

You told me that your most recent ‘mistake’ has fucked up your life. I’m fucking thankful, without your infidelity the best I would have from you is a faithful abuser and funnily enough I don’t want that either.

I thank you for being that damaging. I am thankful for all that this has taught me, I won’t EVER be disrespected again. I know what is acceptable now! I’m thankful you gave me enough hell in a short space of time, stopping me wasting more years of my life.I also thank you for my daughter, my girls kept me going when you made me feel like I no longer wanted to live. She will learn how powerful and strong her mummy is. Whilst dealing with the stuff you called ‘love’, I kept my fucking shit together and was the best mum I could possibly be.

I am better off with out you. Our 14 month old is too. You can carry on your life knowing you destroyed the only woman who will ever love you the way I did. You ruined your own life, and believe me darling it wasn’t just your ‘mistake’ !! But you’ll carry on blaming anyone you can because that’s exactly what narcissists do!

No longer yours,

The girl who finally had enough!

Posted in alone, baby, Beauty, book, Company, Deceit, DomesticAbuse, Heartbreak, single mum, Singlemum, Strength

4 months on!

Posted on by KerryLouise

So it has been 4 months since my last post. I had almost forgot about my blog, maybe I tried to forget everything that was in it. In denial… telling myself ‘that didn’t happen’ kind of situation.

But I am now truly in a place where I want to reach out to other women who may have battled with domestic abuse like me or maybe others who are currently going through it. I know I still am.

My last post wasn’t a lie, it was great. We got on so well and everything finally felt like it was all ‘worth it’… but it didn’t last long. We went away on holiday in May and if I am really honest with myself I noticed that devil in him a few times whilst we were away.

My baby girl is nearly 1 and she truly is amazing. She does have a really good bond with her dad but that is slowly diminishing since she is in nursery full time now and I know longer rely on him for childcare whilst I am at work. Well I couldn’t rely on him.

I started my new job in June and he was adamant he wanted to have her whilst I worked. It caused far more stress than it was worth and now she is in nursery full time.

Let’s get this straight I do not love him, he no longer makes me feel special, I spend most of my time despising him yet I just cannot seem to shake off the fact he still gets under my skin so much.

Take the past 12 hours for example, promised he would come by and ‘spend some time with us’… this is all his doing since I tell him countless times I do not want a relationship like this. I live life as a single mum yet have the stresses of a unsupportive man in a nasty relationship. I had a hint of hope of being able to go to boot camp, and then spin this morning plus who turns down company right? It got to 6pm and I started convincing myself I didn’t want to go to boot camp, much to his happiness. He was all ‘oh thank god baby. I didn’t want to let you down but I’ve got to stay in the spot as my mate has gone to London, but I will come by straight after.’ 10pm came… what a surprise… no where to be seen, he then does this thing where we be on the phone he’ll say ring me back in 5 minutes and doesn’t answer until 40 minutes later. Those 35 minutes I am a woman possessed with constant ringing and abusive text messages. It’s torture and exhausting. We spoke again at 00:45am where he 100% promised to be at mine at 6am to watch my girls whilst I went to a spin class. ‘100%, I got you, I adore you, this is all for our family’ … he needs some new lines he really does.

Did he show?? Did he fuck!!

He’s completely incapable of accepting his faults. ‘I didn’t do it on purpose’… ‘my line of work means I go days without sleep and if my body decides to shut down I can’t help it’… Like I have never heard such a crock of shit in my life… well I have but only ever from him. He then has a habit of turning it all back round on me. Projection!! Accuses me of everything he is fucking guilty of….

I will talk of Projection in my next blog. Right now I am at work and must get on 🙂

Posted in alone, baby, cheat, Company, Deceit, Diet, DomesticAbuse, Heart, Heartbreak, Journey, life, Lonely, love, Mistakes, mother, Parenting, police, pregnancy, pregnant, prison, Prisoner, prisonwives, relationship, relationships, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum, Strength, Weight, weightloss, Women

How am I feeling? 

Posted on by KerryLouise

The question on all my friends and families lips right now… how do you answer such a question when each hour my feelings change so much ?

I feel weak, then remind myself what he’s put me through and realise weak I am definitely not. My world was falling apart when my baby was just 2 weeks old and I had found out about his other life! But I stayed strong for my newborn and my eldest daughter. Continued to breastfeed although the pain was unreal and developed mastitis twice. Bills were still payed and my babies were happy! That is not weak!

I feel like I miss him. I miss the loving him, the side of him that would look at me like he was absolutely smitten. The way we would joke together and laugh. The way he looked at our baby and we would all just chill in bed together cooing over how gorgeous she is. His touch which would melt me and hands down give me the best sex of my life. Then remind myself relationships isn’t just about good sex (especially when you know he’s been going elsewhere too), relationships require team work. Something he used to always drill in my head, tell me I never work with him. Tell me I’m not on his page I’m in a completely different book to him (That’s rich!) and he needs a woman he can work with. Even when his sister and mother asked him what I don’t do that he needs, he walked out the room saying ‘I can’t think right now.’ Evenings he was never around, even before the cheating again. He would answer my calls though and come home, he isn’t bright to think I would notice when those things changed! I’m lonely right now without him but I was lonely with him… so what’s the difference!

I feel angry, I keep thinking about what his mum said to me over text message. Annoyed that she asked ME to remind myself of the traumatic experience we all had when he was in HMP before. Asked ME to not get him locked again. So mad that I’m once again being the one to blame if he ends up back in jail, yet he has risked his freedom every fucking day since he was released. He doesn’t listen to you ?? So why should I ?

I feel mad that his friend can tell me ‘he really loves his daughter.’ NO!! A man who loves his daughter does not choose to disappear all night when the mother of his child had a caesarean and can’t even get out of bed. A man who loves his daughter is around a lot more than he has been to help when things get a little bit too much for the woman who is caring for her. A man who loves his daughter does not take as long as he did to finally come home and get rid of whatever little fling he had previously. A man who loves his daughter does not stand me up as much as he did when we were seperated which meant he went without seeing her. A man who loves his daughter does not psychologically abuse the mother who is caring for that daughter to the point where they hyperventilate, cut themselves and bang their head against a wall to just get them to SHUT UP!! A man who loves his daughter, and apparently loves the women too DOES not choose to be laid up in another women’s bed knowing full well the psychological impact that would have on said woman caring for daughter. A man who loves his daughter DOES NOT continue dealing drugs or be involved in violence relating to such crime in fear that they’d end up in prison and that daughter then has to grow up without a daddy. DO NOT TELL ME he LOVES his daughter …. I love MY daughter. I show real love !

I feel sad that I gave him that many chances, believed him 100 million times that it was us he wanted, that he would change his ways and now it’s literally got so past breaking point that he’s not allowed near me. He will have to arrange contact for his daughter via a contact centre and that social services are also involved. I gave him many opportunities to do this as just friends, do this seperated but that just wasn’t good enough for him either. He was ok to act single but I wasn’t and he would drill into me how I’ll always be his! Them times I believed him, I didn’t want anyone else, still so sure he’d come good. Even after the cheating this time he made me agree that I would try again in the future, let him prove it to me properly. That didn’t last, since he was back to his old tricks of going between me and another girl AGAIN!

I feel bitter that this new girl has probably believed him. What a low class female she is! Accepting a man you’ve known 2 weeks, told you a fake name and cheated on his missus and baby with you! Well I have certainly more self respect than you my love and I just sleep at night knowing he’ll cause you more shit than he’s really worth!

I feel better! Getting this all out, I feel loads better!