Category: Prisoner

Posted in alone, baby, cheat, Company, Deceit, Diet, DomesticAbuse, Heart, Heartbreak, Journey, life, Lonely, love, Mistakes, mother, Parenting, police, pregnancy, pregnant, prison, Prisoner, prisonwives, relationship, relationships, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum, Strength, Weight, weightloss, Women

How am I feeling? 

Posted on by KerryLouise

The question on all my friends and families lips right now… how do you answer such a question when each hour my feelings change so much ?

I feel weak, then remind myself what he’s put me through and realise weak I am definitely not. My world was falling apart when my baby was just 2 weeks old and I had found out about his other life! But I stayed strong for my newborn and my eldest daughter. Continued to breastfeed although the pain was unreal and developed mastitis twice. Bills were still payed and my babies were happy! That is not weak!

I feel like I miss him. I miss the loving him, the side of him that would look at me like he was absolutely smitten. The way we would joke together and laugh. The way he looked at our baby and we would all just chill in bed together cooing over how gorgeous she is. His touch which would melt me and hands down give me the best sex of my life. Then remind myself relationships isn’t just about good sex (especially when you know he’s been going elsewhere too), relationships require team work. Something he used to always drill in my head, tell me I never work with him. Tell me I’m not on his page I’m in a completely different book to him (That’s rich!) and he needs a woman he can work with. Even when his sister and mother asked him what I don’t do that he needs, he walked out the room saying ‘I can’t think right now.’ Evenings he was never around, even before the cheating again. He would answer my calls though and come home, he isn’t bright to think I would notice when those things changed! I’m lonely right now without him but I was lonely with him… so what’s the difference!

I feel angry, I keep thinking about what his mum said to me over text message. Annoyed that she asked ME to remind myself of the traumatic experience we all had when he was in HMP before. Asked ME to not get him locked again. So mad that I’m once again being the one to blame if he ends up back in jail, yet he has risked his freedom every fucking day since he was released. He doesn’t listen to you ?? So why should I ?

I feel mad that his friend can tell me ‘he really loves his daughter.’ NO!! A man who loves his daughter does not choose to disappear all night when the mother of his child had a caesarean and can’t even get out of bed. A man who loves his daughter is around a lot more than he has been to help when things get a little bit too much for the woman who is caring for her. A man who loves his daughter does not take as long as he did to finally come home and get rid of whatever little fling he had previously. A man who loves his daughter does not stand me up as much as he did when we were seperated which meant he went without seeing her. A man who loves his daughter does not psychologically abuse the mother who is caring for that daughter to the point where they hyperventilate, cut themselves and bang their head against a wall to just get them to SHUT UP!! A man who loves his daughter, and apparently loves the women too DOES not choose to be laid up in another women’s bed knowing full well the psychological impact that would have on said woman caring for daughter. A man who loves his daughter DOES NOT continue dealing drugs or be involved in violence relating to such crime in fear that they’d end up in prison and that daughter then has to grow up without a daddy. DO NOT TELL ME he LOVES his daughter …. I love MY daughter. I show real love !

I feel sad that I gave him that many chances, believed him 100 million times that it was us he wanted, that he would change his ways and now it’s literally got so past breaking point that he’s not allowed near me. He will have to arrange contact for his daughter via a contact centre and that social services are also involved. I gave him many opportunities to do this as just friends, do this seperated but that just wasn’t good enough for him either. He was ok to act single but I wasn’t and he would drill into me how I’ll always be his! Them times I believed him, I didn’t want anyone else, still so sure he’d come good. Even after the cheating this time he made me agree that I would try again in the future, let him prove it to me properly. That didn’t last, since he was back to his old tricks of going between me and another girl AGAIN!

I feel bitter that this new girl has probably believed him. What a low class female she is! Accepting a man you’ve known 2 weeks, told you a fake name and cheated on his missus and baby with you! Well I have certainly more self respect than you my love and I just sleep at night knowing he’ll cause you more shit than he’s really worth!

I feel better! Getting this all out, I feel loads better!

Posted in Challenge, cheat, court, Deceit, Girltalk, Heart, Heartbreak, intimate, Journey, life, police, prison, Prisoner, prisonwives, relationship, sex

A new start ?

Posted on by KerryLouise

I failed in waiting for him to call, Sunday blues came and the sadness took over me. I couldn’t understand how someone who was so involved in my life can literally walk away without a second thought. He responded to my text by saying I had told him not to call me but he would ring me soon. He didn’t. He rang me over 24 hours later. 

He began with small talk, what had I been up too, how am I? He even asked what had I bought him whilst shopping. I joked by saying I had bought him a frying pan to hit him over the head with and not what he had suggested that I was finally going to cook for him. He mentioned that he didn’t understand women and why they needed closure. I pointed out that hanging me on a thread wasn’t fair either, again he didn’t make any real sense and said he still wants to be my friend. He was trying to make it easier for me apparently, how he heard that my Dad was giving my man a job and them sort of things and so didn’t want to get in the way. He knew all of this right from the start, I never once even let him believe maybe we could be together. Maybe I was harsh in saying that he really didn’t need to protect me as I’m the one who would be completely fine as soon as I had my man home. I sensed that he knew this was true. He admitted he had a lot going on and really was in no position to be with me properly, I reiterated that that was never my intention. I feel like more was said, he asked when I was back in town, and seemed sure he would see me again. This leads me to believe that there is no one else but some kind of crazy ‘deal’ that is going on, I did hear something quite suspect when I was last there. Again he went by saying he’d call me back. I will leave him now, it is sad to think he’s out my life now but it was always going to have to be like that one day. It’s not like I don’t have my Mr Right anyway and I’ve been through a lot worse before in regards to losing these man friends, I will cope even if my beloved doesn’t get tag. 

Last night I admitted to my beloved regarding the fling I’ve had. It went better than I expected. He was quiet, angry, hurt, disappointed but he understands that this was just his karma after the way he treated me before. Our call ended on a positive, he truly loves me, this has shown me more than ever. To forgive me for this, takes some guts. My gosh I love him. Within 10 days I should find out if I’m getting him home or not. 

Posted in Challenge, Fitness, Girltalk, Heart, Heartbreak, Journey, lawstudent, Lonely, love, Marathon, Mistakes, mother, police, prison, Prisoner, Running, sex, single mum, Singlemum, student, Weight, weightloss

A social media rant 

Posted on by KerryLouise

Snapchat and Instagram, social media sites that when used properly can be fun, light-hearted and enjoyable but once again this evening the cousin has made my blood boil. This time on snapchat, man is doing videos of his cash saying ‘look at all his money’… It probs looks about £300. £400 tops!! Does he not realise in the grand scheme of things that isn’t a great deal?! Like if I didn’t have a mortgage to pay and a flat to run I would be laughing. It’s called being an adult! Having bills to pay and a flat I can call mine is far more important than having a few quid in my pocket. Last I heard he worked at KFC but with no responsibilities (as he doesn’t pay for his kids) I can see why he got a little excited over some paper. Jeez. The man is so stupid. Well I say man, nothing grown up about that boy. I know what he’s doing too, making out like its ‘trap money’, the silly little boy couldn’t run a vegetable patch let alone trap on the streets like life is some rap song. I need him as far away from my man as possible. Embarrassing. Time I removed him! 

Today I worked for a GPS sports watch brand, and now I need one in my life. If I get accepted into the marathon I Defo need to purchase one. At about £140 though they are not cheap but I see it as an investment and as I was once spending that on a PT per month this is well worth it. 

1767 calories today, no run but I did walk over 11,000 steps at work so I have been active. No studying tonight, too tired. There’s still time yet though, maybe something relatively straight forward like Occupiers liability. Must keep up the momentum! 

Posted in Beauty, Challenge, Fitness, Girltalk, Heart, Holiday, Ibiza, Journey, law, lawstudent, life, Lonely, love, mother, prison, Prisoner, prisonwives, Running, sex, single mum, Stretch marks, student, Weight, weightloss

1 Saturday down , 5 to go ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

.. Until I am able to go out and party!! I have my little girl tonight anyway so wouldn’t have gone out tonight but tomorrow could have been a possibility. Craving a good night out so bad!! 

1,818 calories today, had a Chinese with my mini me but counted it correctly. I didn’t snack at all today and that makes such a big difference in your calories, they soon add up. I was under on the fat and sugars content too. I didn’t manage to go for that run this morning, woke up feeling so groggy as I have been doing for a while now. More water, more water a must and back drinking my herbal teas I once got into a good routine with. 

I bought a new cream today and at nearly £10 (and that was half price) it wasn’t cheap. Nip + fab tummy fix it’s called, the reviews look good and after I stood in my underwear in front of the mirror at the sunbed shop I realised how bad the tummy situation is. I took a photo, not brave enough to upload yet but I will do if I get a good picture in a month or so to compare it. Will let you know if it works. I know it’s pretty natural to have stretch marks and excess skin after a pregnancy and especially for someone like me who has lost over 6 stone but to me it just looks weird. Not natural at all. I did get into a good shape last year and it began to look better but I was having a personal trainer then, I am hoping I can do it again without one. 

It’s 1:40am, I did my usual of having a late evening kip to study more effectively. It works yet my body clock is all over the place. Proud of what I have achieved tonight tho. Tomorrow I am working again, cinema date with my daughter then I will pick a different topic to get my teeth into. I’ve got this!!

65 days till Ibiza !! 

Posted in Company, Diet, Fitness, Girltalk, Heart, Heartbreak, Journey, law, lawstudent, life, Lonely, police, Prisoner, relationship, Uncategorized

I feel so sad …

Posted on by KerryLouise

I need to snap out of this. I have already napped for a while. These exams won’t revise themselves! BBC Question Time is just making me angry, and I keep thinking about sweets to make me feel slightly happy. 

I miss him, I miss him so much. A year ago today was when he was arrested. A year ago tonight I had a sleepless night not having a clue what was happening just wanting to hear his voice. Why do I feel so sad? The good news is this time next year he will be here, back with me and probably annoying me lol. 

His brother rang me today. I couldn’t believe it. He’s been gone 8 months and he is only just asking me for his prisoner number and address. He also said he felt he had a duty to see if I’m ok beings I am his brothers missis. Say what??? The last time I even spoke to him was after he was screaming in my street at us both. That being said I do hope he does write to him and they can have a normal relationship now. Family is important, even if they do have some making up to do. 

1,376 calories today, not enough water and I really need sweets to get me through my revision session ! 

Law student life !!! 

Posted in cheat, court, Deceit, Diet, Fitness, Girltalk, Heart, Heartbreak, lawstudent, life, love, Mistakes, prison, Prisoner, Running, student, Weight, weightloss

Foooooood!!!

Posted on by KerryLouise

so 2,500 calories consumed, with a 40 minute continuous run (which I am proud of) and about a 1/4 of the day studying the Human Rights Act! I am getting there, kinda, slowly! Far more calories than I would have liked and most of the extras was sugar that I just do not need in my diet. All my running is making me loads more hungry plus I’m due on next week so this week is the devil week for wanting allll the food. Other girls can relate right?! 

My run is a positive defo, some inconsistencies with the distance, the treadmill and my app both said different but meet in the middle and it was about 6k and I didn’t stop once! Woo! 

Studying, I did well earlier but this evening has been the same routine of wasting time. An hour phone conversation with my sister and what’sapp pinging me with my friends telling me of their dramas. The friend I’ve spoke of previously who also has a man in jail and had been seeing someone else received a letter from him today. He ended it! In a letter!! Like what?! Now I know I do not know the ins and outs but that seems so harsh, especially considering she felt she couldn’t end it whilst he’s banged up in there. Their story is completely different to ours she was his co-defendant, they been together 5 years, split up, had different partners then got back together last year whilst he was inside. She then seemed to me like they were madly in love if anything more so than me at times, and now it’s all over. We were getting through this journey together with the same release dates and now I’ve lost her but hey. I can do this. On my own. 

Posted in Challenge, Diet, Fitness, Girltalk, Heart, Journey, lawstudent, Lonely, prison, Prisoner, prisonwives, student, Weight, weightloss

Day 3 .. 69 days till Ibiza

Posted on by KerryLouise

I woke up feeling shattered, going to bed now feeling shattered and it’s only 8:30pm. I did a 1k run just after the school run thinking it is at least something and means less time wasted in a gym. My legs are still aching from yesterday and it didn’t go well. 

Been really hungry today and eaten 1’530 calories. I can hear the co co pops talking to me from the cupboard too, it’s inevitable that a bowel of those will be consumed. Argh I don’t want to feel this tired, I wanted to do some more revision tonight, it’s hard at the best of times let alone when I am feeling so tired. 

Anyway my boy called me early this morning. That hasn’t happened in months, it’s almost like he knew I needed to speak to him. See soul mates. He said he had had a really vivid dream and he needed to hear my voice, I do still like those unpredictable phone calls. I spoke of my concerns and his response was as I expected, and I now feel a little stupid for getting so irate over a comment his stupid cousin put on social media. He had only 5 minutes this morning but he called back later in the afternoon. He wants a future, proper stability, as I knew. I told him how I just get scared about the future and how I could end up back in the same situation once again. He understood and then admitted he gets scared everyday that I could get taken from him. By someone with more money, more stability, better educated etc. I hear that but I am glad he has some insecurities anyway. 

Anyway co co pops are calling …. 

Posted in Deceit, Journey, law, life, love, Mistakes, police, prison, Prisoner, prisonwives, relationship

I’m so angry !! 

Posted on by KerryLouise

Seriously! So angry! He can tell me what he likes but let’s face it I have absolutely no idea what he tells others. The number of times he assures me he’s cutting people out his life and how shit is going to change, how the events that have previously occurred due to his illegal activity will never happen again. I must be a fool to believe that, a fool. He tells me yesterday that he spoke to his cousin (the one who hasn’t so much wrote him a letter) and his excuse was ‘it hurts too much and he rather wait and give him money to help him on his feet when he’s released.’ MASSIVE LOL, what fucking bullshit. What money? Man don’t have no money for his own kids, and help him on his feet? They are all on drugs I swear. He’s coming home to me, to live with me, what does his cousin ACTUALLY think he will need?!? Why can’t my boyfriend just man up to him and tell him exactly what he tells me? It’s weird! This happened before, I was always competing with his jealous cousin like we are in some playground fighting over a best friend! Guess this is what I get for mixing with 21 year olds! 

Anyway I’m on Instagram doing my usual ‘anything but studying’ routine and his cousin has uploaded a picture of himself and my boy announcing to the world … ‘Cuzzy said look after the trap #hebeback’ with some pointless money emoticons. This translates to English as ‘let’s make more illegal money when he’s out.’ To be honest I don’t even care if he told him this and was lying to him because he’s certainly lying to one of us. Showing off to him like he still wants that life, like I know he doesn’t well THOUGHT I knew! Why can’t they just grow up?! I feel so hurt I just wish I NEVER met him!! 

Posted in Challenge, Girltalk, Heart, Holiday, Ibiza, Journey, lawstudent, life, Lonely, love, Mistakes, prison, Prisoner, prisonwives, relationship, weightloss

I can’t deal with life today ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

The PVB Blues have hit me. I could do with a day in bed, away from the world. I definitely do not feel like I want to go to work. I am sat in McDonald’s with a coffee and have 7 minutes until I need to be in store. The breakfast snack wrap made me feel a bit better but I know tomorrow I will regret the junk I have eaten the past 2 days. I was doing so well! I knew seeing him would make me love him more, and I knew seeing him would make me step back and look at the bigger picture. I still have 8 months on my own and there is nothing I can do about it. I want him. Only him and I couldn’t move on even if I tried. I am grieving, all over again. I got to a point where I felt ok, I could deal with it, granted I was thinking I may be getting fed up of it all but now I feel like I am at square 1. How the hell did I get through the last 8 months?! This should be the easier 8 months. Lord give me strength! 

Now I am in store I am sitting in the staff room trying to find the motivation to go and do what I am being paid to do. I think food and treats will be the on,y way to get through this weekend then from Monday its the 10 week countdown!! Ibiza time!! Not only do I want to look and feel fabulous but having that as a focus will help my mind set, my mood and my tired levels. 

Right lets being do this. I am strong! 

Posted in court, Heart, Journey, lawstudent, life, Lonely, love, Mistakes, police, prison, Prisoner, prisonwives, relationship, Uncategorized

My heart behind bars…

Posted on by KerryLouise

The phone just kept ringing, well that was when I actually managed to get through. The engaged tone was constant and the phone just screamed call failed. 100 attempts and I was starting to think ‘how much, can I really cope with?’ , ‘is this going to be my life moving forward?’ … My brain was pre-writing the email I was going to send, how I would complain that I did not have the time for such a chore just to be able to see my boyfriend. How I had lots of University work to do now, and how once again ‘Life really just isn’t fair’. Then the woman answered… a huge sigh of relief. Its funny how instantly your mood can change, I no longer wanted to scream or shout I just wanted an appointment. A booking visit to see my boyfriend…

..

… yep he’s in prison… 

I often wonder how the hell this has happened to me? A law graduate with 4 years service under her belt as a special constable, a law abiding citizen who doesn’t even have any points on her driving licence and someone who was once so anti-drugs I just could not condone any contact with them at all. Now don’t get me wrong I am not completely innocent, I have debt that I just don’t really care about, more notches on my bedpost than I have cooked hot dinners and my lifestyle has sparked a few interests from gossips in the past. 

 Here I will reveal all, my past, the present and my future will develop under this blogs very eyes. I often joke about how my life could be a best seller, now when I look back I think why the hell did I think my life was so interesting. It is nothing compared to what I am currently dealing with. NOTHING.

I have always loved to write, I even started another blog a couple of years ago and I have a written journal I started earlier on in this year too. Both I failed to keep up, this though, this will be different. I will also pull extracts from my previous entries because the thoughts and feelings I wrote at that time was just madness.

I am 28 I have a 6 year old daughter from a previous relationship who I love more than anything. I am honest with myself and real, I am more maternal now than when she was smaller but that is something I can talk about at a later stage. I don’t have a career, I have had many different jobs since I graduated from university 7 years ago, but nothing that has felt like I wanted for the rest of my life.

April of this year was a life changing month for me, not only did I decide that I wanted to get back to uni but my boyfriend of just 4 months was arrested and subsequently charged with the supply of a Class A drug. I still remember that week like it was yesterday, I was on jury service at the Crown Court surrounded by other members of the community. I had made my decision that law was wear my heart lied and I would go back to university and do whatever I had to do to become a barrister. Little did they all know I had had my home raided that morning and my boyfriend arrested in my bedroom and taken away in a police car. Jury service had ended yet I still found myself in court, it all felt so surreal. This time being completely effected by whatever decision was made. The tears just would not stop as I saw my boyfriend in the dock behind glass and hearing his solicitor talk of the possibility of 2-3 years in jail. His solicitor requested he got bail so he could say ‘goodbye’, I could not believe the words I was hearing. The magistrates broke to discuss whether bail would be granted. I was finally able to speak to him after over 24 hours and we kissed through a gap in the glass. ‘Please do not keep my baby’ my head was pleading, my whole body shaking, just wishing we could rewind and I knew he wouldn’t do no wrong. The magistrates came back and I am sure I stopped breathing for the few seconds it took them to say ‘You are free to go’, bail had been granted. A huge sigh of relief and I was anxious to just get to him as soon as I could. ‘You are free to go’…. just so so surreal.

A

fter 3 and half months on bail, just a little more than the original 20 days that we thought it would be he finally got sentenced. I will talk more of this time later. The judge spoke. 3 years just seemed to keep echoing in my head, 3 YEARS!! How did the judge come to this decision? We had not prepared ourselves for that long. I wanted to crumble on the floor as soon as I left the court, I saw no way out. My heart had sank so far it may as well had stopped beating. He was gone, just like that. Taken from me for at least a year and a half. I questioned myself ‘what do I do now?’ ‘How will I cope?’ .. I had lost a part of me. I had to keep going it was my daughters 6th birthday, it is just something you have to deal with.

It will be 3 weeks on friday, he managed to call me on Monday. He had moved, he told me of a visiting order that has been raised, he also told me there was a letter in the post where he has mentioned my upcoming holiday to Ibiza. This morning I had received that letter, this evening I have booked in to see him using that VO. I am sure when the letters, phone calls and visits become more frequent it will be something I will be able to deal with alot easier.

I am now back at uni, it is just 1 day a week on a part time basis. It will be challenging but that is something I am not shy of. This week and next I have 2 days a week to attend, and I already have reading to do for lecture preparation.

My evenings since he has gone have consisted of a few tears, restless nights and of course my daily email that I am fortunate enough to be able to send to him. It really has been a life saver in helping me come to terms with the fact the love of my life has been taken away from me. I still get to communicate with him.

There is so much more I could write about on this first post, but when your head feels so cloudy it hurts and you are conscious of some uni reading that needs to be done for the next day I feel here is a point to end it.

One thing I feel I should point out is.. ‘I LOVE HIM’… I will stand by him and I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason and this horrible journey we are both on at this moment will END! It will!! And then we can live a very happy life being more (if that is possible) in love than we already are….